Why Setting Boundaries Feels Hard: 3 Beliefs to Unlearn

If you feel like you don't understand boundaries or why it's so hard to set them, this episode is for you. 

Tune in to:

• Get clarity about what boundaries are,
• Learn about 3 common beliefs that might be making boundaries harder for you, and
• Get tips for unlearning those limiting beliefs AND actually use boundaries to create a better life and relationships.

Interested in diving deeper?

• Book a Relationship Coaching Consultation

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Life can sometimes feel like a lot, but you don't have to do it alone. I strongly believe that we're stronger together. Here we're gonna slow down, have real talks, make sense of things together, and explore ways to intentionally grow the life you want. We're going to talk about mental and physical health, relationships, money, work, and community. Welcome to Rooted in Intention with me, Garina Gomez. Hi, welcome back to another episode. And this one I'm gonna be diving into boundaries because boundaries are so important and you might have heard about them, but you might just be a little bit unclear about what they actually are or why it's so hard to set them. I get it, I've been there myself. And if you have ever felt uncomfortable in a situation and you just haven't known how to get out of it, maybe you had a family member that asked questions that felt invasive, or you had a coworker that asked you to do a task, and it's like you almost had this reflex of saying yes, but you actually meant to say no because you were at capacity, or maybe you've had a friend that asked for so many favors that sometimes you wish you could say no. And again, you almost have this reflex response of saying yes, or you've had a conversation that turned into a heated exchange and you no longer felt comfortable and you weren't sure what to do about it. So the exchange just continued to get worse and worse, or maybe you've had the opposite and you've actually wanted to have a conversation about something that made you uncomfortable. But when you attempted to have a conversation with the other person, it's like they were there, but they weren't actually there. And yet it's almost as if they left you hanging. And what each of these examples has in common is that they all made you uncomfortable in some way, and that these were all situations where you could have set some boundaries. And if that's not quite making sense to you yet, I got you because I have also been there. And I actually remember in my early 20s at one of my jobs, my direct supervisor had shared that I was too loyal, but I didn't quite understand what that meant because for me, maybe because I'm a Leo. I'm just kidding. But for me, loyalty was a good thing. It meant that you stood by your family, by your people, by your friends, by your coworkers, by your team, and that you showed up for them. But it didn't really click until years later that the feedback about being too loyal was actually that I was having really weak boundaries. And the reason it took so many years to click is because that's how long it took for me to realize that the way that I was showing up was actually detrimental to me and my well-being. So with time, those weak boundaries ended up leaving me feeling depleted. It ended up leaving me feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful. And eventually I made the connection that I had lost trust in myself to be able to show up for myself. And that's why boundaries are so important, because boundaries are there to protect you and to also protect and preserve your relationships, those relationships that are so important to you. Because without the proper boundaries, it's going to negatively impact how you feel about the other person. But in reality, it actually comes back to you and the things that you are allowing within the relationship. So, with that, let me actually back up a little bit and make sure that we're all thinking about the same thing when I'm talking about boundaries. So at their core, boundaries are the things that you're saying yes or no to in a manner that honors your own needs and capacity. So that's why in the example that I shared where a coworker is asking you to complete something and you actually have other tasks, other projects that you need to prioritize and you're feeling at capacity. That's a situation where you could be practicing a boundary because a boundary in that situation can look like you actually communicating, like, hey, I'm actually at capacity for this. I can't take this on. Can you check in with another team member? And that's the boundary. That's the thing that you're saying no to. So to help you conceptualize boundaries even more, because I know they feel a little bit untangible. Think of boundaries as honoring your emotional world, your time, energy, and resources, as well as your physical world, such as your space. Okay, so with that, that actually brings me to the first belief that you have to let go of. And that is believing that a boundary is simply about saying no. That's a very rigid way of thinking about boundaries. And I want to paint a picture for you. Think of boundaries instead as a door, a door to your home, and you are your home. And you know what's powerful about doors is that you can open and you could close them depending on what you want to allow to enter. That's the purpose of doors, right? So, say for instance, it's a very windy day out and there's a lot of dust that's being kicked into the air. If you leave the door open, what's gonna happen? That same dust is gonna enter your home. It might cause your eyes to feel irritated, it might cause your nose to feel irritated. So you want to keep that dust out. So on that day, what are you gonna want to do? You're gonna want to close the door so you can keep the wind and you can keep the dust out. However, on a beautiful sunny day, what are you gonna want to do? You're probably gonna want to let the fresh air in, let the sunlight in. So on that day, you're gonna want to leave the door open. So I want you to think of boundaries like that because boundaries allow for flexibility and allow the things that you want in and keep the things that you don't want out. And if we keep going with my analogy of you being your own house and the doors being your boundaries, I want you to remember that you are a house with legs. So sometimes it's not about opening or closing the door, but it's about using your legs to move your house to a different location. So going back to one of the situations that I shared at the very start of the episode, say you have a family member that's asking questions that feel very invasive, or maybe they're bringing up a topic that you don't feel comfortable going into, such as your dating life or when you plan to have kids. In that situation, you probably still want to maintain the connection with your family member. You probably want to continue having a conversation with them. You just don't want to have a conversation with them about your dating life or fill in the blank with whatever topic you don't want to talk to them about. So the boundary isn't just about cutting off the conversation and walking away. But in that scenario, it could look like you sharing, like, hey, I don't feel comfortable talking about this right now, and then pivoting the conversation into something that you do want to be talking about. So you could say something like, Oh my God, you know how I've been looking for a house. I found some that might actually be some good fits. Or it can look like, oh my God, it smells so good. Are you cooking something? So with that approach, you're being very clear and direct about the things that you don't want to be talking about, and you're being proactive about shifting the conversation into something that you do want to be talking about or that you are comfortable with. So going back to my analogy of doors being your boundaries in that situation, you closed the door on one particular topic and you actually maintained another door open for a conversation. And that's why boundaries aren't about simply saying no, but it's about what are the things that you are allowing and not allowing and practicing that flexibility. And why is this important? And how does it actually protect your relationship? Because think about it. If you are going to a family member or a friend or whatever person and they continue to bring up topics of conversation that you don't feel comfortable with, you're probably not going to want to continue engaging in conversation with them. And it's going to be a detriment to your relationship because you're probably not going to want to spend a lot of time with them. So if you are able to be proactive and practice those boundaries, you're going to be able to maneuver the conversation into things that you do want to be talking about. And that's going to allow you to enjoy the company of the other person much more rather than dreading having a conversation with them because you continue to engage in those conversations or those topics that you don't actually want to be talking about. And that's why boundaries are about honoring you and honoring the relationship as well. So that's the first belief to let go of that boundaries are simply about saying no. And having that belief might be making boundaries hard because you're trying to implement this really hard no rather than thinking of boundaries as this things that you're saying yes or no to in order to maintain connection, in order to preserve your relationships. Okay, so now the second belief that you might have to unlearn that might be making it hard for you to set boundaries is the belief that you are responsible for other people. And just from things that I've had to uncover for my own healing journey, this belief might be true for you too if you had to grow up fast and help your parents out. But wherever, whenever you may have learned this belief, it's time to let it go. So some ways that this belief might be showing up is you feeling like other people need you in order for them to feel better or to do better. So for instance, if a family member is having financial difficulties or maybe they're in a rough patch right now, and you take that to mean that it is your responsibility to help them find a job, to help them pay off their credit cards, to continuously lend the money because a part of you feels obligated to do so more than you doing it because you actually want to do it, or because you believe that if you aren't the one to help them, then they won't be able to overcome their own challenges. And that's why it is your responsibility. Those are some things that you can begin paying attention to to see if this is a belief that you hold. And deep in your core, you feel like other people are your responsibility. Another way that this might show up is going back to the example of a coworker asking you to complete something. If you do go about communicating that you're at capacity and that you can take on the task and suggest that they go ask another team member, if you then end up noticing that they're frustrated with the situation or that they feel overwhelmed by your response because they have to find someone else to complete the task and you feel bad that they're frustrated or that they're overwhelmed and you want them to feel better. So you then end up going back on what you said and you said, you know what, never mind, I'll do it. That might be this belief playing out because once you see that they are frustrated or overwhelmed, you think that it is your responsibility to make them feel better rather than believing and trusting that they'll be able to navigate their own frustration, their own overwhelm, and that they will be able to problem solve and figure out the next step. So be paying attention to that. Are you doing things because you think other people need you to feel better or that it's on you to make people feel better? Because it's not. Being empathetic and a good human being isn't the same thing as you being responsible for other people. Of course, there's a difference if you are a parent to a child versus if you are dealing with another adult in your life. If you are dealing with another adult in your life, you are responsible for you and the other person is responsible for themselves. So if you notice that you have this belief and you want to begin to unlearn it, first things first, awareness, be aware of when this belief might be kicking in, and then find a new belief to believe. So whether it's the family member or the coworker that you see in distress and you want to jump in and help them, but the reality is that you don't have the capacity and you helping them is actually you overextending yourself. I want you to just pause. Notice that it might be this belief of you believing that other people are your responsibility. And then I want you to think about instead can it be that you can actually trust this person to figure out their own issues? Can it be that you doing things from them is actually withholding them from learning a valuable life lesson? Can it be that it's okay for your coworker to be upset? Can you trust that they'll be able to problem solve it? Do you really believe that there's a 0% chance that if you aren't the one to step in, that the situation, the problem, the issue isn't going to get better? Probably not, because if those adults have gone into where they are right now, they have figured it out until now. So they will continue to figure it out. And it's not solely on you to be responsible for them. Can you still show up for them? Yes. But remember, boundaries are about honoring your own needs and capacity. And that's why boundaries are meant to be flexible so that you can open and close that door accordingly. Okay, so moving us along, the third belief that you might have that might be making it hard for you to set boundaries is the belief that saying no makes you a bad person. And one of the easiest ways to know if this belief is coming up for you is if you feel guilty saying no. So say a family member asks you to pick them up from the airport and then take them to their hotel and then take them to destination A and take them to destination B. But on those same days, you were planning to do a project around the house, you were planning to do a school project, or maybe you were even just planning to rest because you've had a very exhausting week at work. Deep deep down in your core, you want to say no, but you feel guilty saying no. You think you're gonna come off as a bad person. And before you know it, your brain is telling you that your reason isn't good enough, that you're being selfish for saying no, that they are a family member and that you should be showing up for them. So you might see how even this belief connects back to the previous belief of you being responsible for other people, and how that can even connect to this belief that you are a bad person. And that's how these beliefs can actually be layering on each other and really making it hard to set and hold boundaries. So when you are attempting to say no, when you are attempting to set boundaries and you have this guilt come up, I want you to pause and check in. Are you having a hard time saying no? Because if you say no, then that means that you are a bad person. And if that is the case, I then want you to ask yourself, is that really true? Are you really a bad person for saying no? Are you really a bad person for saying no to picking someone up from the airport when you had other plans or don't have the emotional capacity? The most likely scenario is that you're not. People are not entitled to your time and your energy because people are not entitled to your time and your energy. And again, you are not responsible for other people. You have to be able to trust that other people will be able to show up for themselves. Now, of course, this isn't to say that you never show up for people because that's not what boundaries are about. These three beliefs are for you to take into account for when you are wanting to say no, when you are wanting to set a boundary and you're finding it hard to do so. Because again, boundaries are to honor you, your own needs, your own capacity, and to honor the relationship that you have with other people. Because if you are doing things for other people and you're stretching yourself thin, that's gonna be to your own detriment and that's going to negatively impact your own wellness. And if you're doing things for people out of a sense of an obligation or because you feel like you can't say no, then continuously doing the things for other people when the reality was that you didn't want to do it is going to create resentment and it's going to negatively impact the relationship because relationships won't last with built-up resentment. And you know this. But okay, to summarize and wrap things up, the three beliefs to keep an eye out for so that you can begin to unlearn them are one, the belief that a boundary is simply about saying no, because the reality is that boundaries are meant to be a lot more flexible, similar to the doors of a house, and you are your own house with legs. The second belief is the belief that you are responsible for other people and that other people need you to feel better or that they need you to solve their problems. And instead, I want you to trust and to believe that other people are completely capable of solving their own problems and that it's not your responsibility to make other people feel better. Because it's okay for other people to experience negative emotions at the end of the day, that's part of the human experience. The third belief to keep an eye out for is that you are bad for setting boundaries. So if you are noticing guilt when you're trying to say no or when you do say no, I want you to think about are you really a bad person? Are you really a bad daughter, son, sibling, friend, coworker? Is that really true? It's probably not. So something to do instead to counteract this belief that you are bad for saying no is to actually create a list of the ways that you have shown up for other people. In what ways have you shown up as a good daughter or son? In what ways have you shown up as a good sibling? In what ways have you shown up as a good boyfriend or girlfriend? In what ways have you shown up as a good coworker? And in bringing those things up to the forefront, you're actually playing a proactive role in what your brain is paying attention to because it's always being attention to something. So sometimes you have to be very intentional on what your brain is focusing on. So those are the three beliefs to keep an eye out and to start unlearning. And remember that the first step in unlearning is even just becoming aware of the issue. So when you are attempting to set boundaries, but you're finding it hard, pause and check in with yourself about whether one of these beliefs can be playing out for you. And that's how you begin to break the cycle of not honoring yourself and you begin to start a new cycle, a new pattern of actually honoring yourself and honoring your own needs and capacity. And believe me, once you start noticing your beliefs and your thought patterns, there's no going back. You'll be able to catch the BS that your mind is giving you on autopilot. And then those beliefs will start to loosen up. Then that's what's going to allow you to feel a lot more grounded and a lot more confident in setting boundaries so that you can protect again your own peace and the relationships that you care about. And if you do want to dive further into this and you want a guide to help you identify the beliefs that are holding you back and intentionally create new beliefs, you can connect with me through the link in the show notes. And in that way, we can talk a little bit more about what's coming up for you and if it makes sense to work together. Okay, that's it. Bye. Thank you for joining me for another episode of Rooted in Intention. Until next time, and remember to keep showing up for the life, relationships, and community you want. Now go.