A Hero's Pain No One Saw: A Mom's Mission After Son's Suicide

Behind every badge is a son, a daughter, a spouse, a parent, and a family whose lives are forever intertwined with the call to serve.

In this deeply personal and emotional episode, we sit down with the mother of CHP Officer Alexander Guerra, who tragically died by suicide on September 12, 2019. Alexander was more than a law enforcement officer. He was a devoted son, brother, Marine Corps veteran, and public servant who dedicated his life to protecting others.

Before joining the California Highway Patrol, Alexander served in the United States Marine Corps as an intelligence specialist and completed a nine-month deployment to Afghanistan. Following his honorable discharge, he continued his commitment to service by becoming a peace officer, carrying forward a family tradition of public service in law enforcement.

Through the eyes of a loving mother, listeners will learn about the young man behind the uniform, his passion for serving others, the challenges faced by military veterans and first responders, and the devastating impact that suicide has on families left behind. Together, we discuss the hidden wounds that often go unseen, the importance of recognizing warning signs, and the need to break the stigma surrounding mental health within the military and law enforcement communities.

This is not simply a story about loss. It is a story about love, resilience, healing, and the mission to save lives by sharing one family’s journey through unimaginable grief.

Whether you wear a badge, served in the military, support a loved one who does, or simply want to better understand the human side of service, this episode is a powerful reminder that strength is not found in suffering alone—and that asking for help is an act of courage.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out. Help is available. No one should fight their battles alone.

Join us as we honor the life, service, and legacy of CHP Officer Alexander Guerra and continue the conversation that could save a life.

🎯 Whether you're a first responder, military, or someone interested in becoming a law enforcement officer—this conversation will move you, challenge you, and inspire you.

👇 Drop a comment with your favorite takeaway, and remember to subscribe if you want more real conversations like this.

#podcast #resilient ##cops #policeofficer #motivation #lawenforcement #deputy #police #lawenforcementofficer #policechief #policewoman #gangs #prison #mexicanmafia 

Contact Information:
phitpd22@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Most people that are struggling are not gonna call you and say, hey, look, I'm struggling.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

There's no clear cut, you know, you gotta do this cut. No, but it is, like you said, communication. But the person struggling will have a harder time with it. So you have to put in that work to wanna hear it, want to get them to let all that hurt out. Because you know, what first responders see every single day, in order to live that life, you kind of have to start hardening your heart.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Welcome everybody. Thank you for tuning in. I'm Juan Cefas, and this is Lineup with FitPD. Today's episode is dedicated to the military and first responders that are struggling with mental health. We want to raise the awareness and we want people to be proactive in getting healthy. Our guest is Carolyn Guerra. And Carolyn, Carolyn's son was a CHP officer that struggled with mental health. He lost that battle. And she now goes around sharing his story to empower others to be proactive in their mental health. And through his story, we're hoping that we save lives and that people win that struggle. So please help me welcome Carolyn Guerra. Carolyn, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you. Really appreciate you. You know, all the work that you're doing. I saw you at the last conference, and um sharing your story is just so powerful uh because it's uh it's something private. A lot of us stay away from the topic, don't want to talk about it, even if we're struggling, we we struggle in silence. But for you to share your story, it just really, really is so helpful. And I thank you for that.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

Yeah, Carolyn, can you uh tell us a little bit about Alexander early on? Like what kind of child was he? And uh, you know, what was he involved in in high school?

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Oh, yeah. Um, of course, um he was uh the youngest of five siblings that I had. So um his personality was extremely sweet. So he ended up being the favorite of his siblings. They babied him, they loved on him, they took care of him, they just thought he was so special. And um he just grew up very happy and you can almost say so innocent to the world around him. I don't know if without realizing all of us sheltered him from the realities of things that happened, uh, because I came to find out later that he wasn't aware of a lot of the things that the other kids grew up with. You know, you grow up with um there's always family things happening, but yeah, I come to find out as he's an adult that he didn't even realize those things happened. So there was a lot of innocence, even though he was a young adult. Um, but just fun loving, very loving. Um ever since he was little, like he could sense things and just excuse me, he wouldn't leave my side no matter what, and especially if I didn't feel well. I mean, he was little and just would just like stay close. Um so he he just grew up being what we all wish for, basically. Just a young, loving son, brother. People loved him.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

So as a parent, you couldn't be happier.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

That's how uh we should feel as parents.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

There wasn't a lot of discipline having to be put out on him because he pretty much just he wasn't trouble.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

And and we're blessed when that happens.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Very much so. Yes, very much so, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Um, now Carolyn, at some point around high school, uh Alexander decides to join the Marine Corps. Yes. And does he talk to you about this or what happens?

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Um in high school, uh, I believe it was like tenth grade, maybe at some point where the recruiters start coming to the high schools, you know. And one day he comes home with some and with the logo of the Marine Corps, and I'm like, oh no. Um, and I think without realizing, it was always my biggest fear uh that a child of mine would go into the military just because I would, I mean, I mean, the reality is as a mom, you never want your kids to be in war, you know.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

Right. And this was during wartime. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Um, and so uh for the next two years, he kept meeting up with recruiters at school and you know, doing his push-ups, doing everything to get whatever they would give. Uh, and he did he did tell me he wanted to join the Marine Corps, and I was like, No, that's not gonna happen. Um, but it wasn't like deep conversations. I would just be like, no, no, no, no, you're not, I'm sorry, you're not gonna do that. And then um senior year comes around and he kind of says, you know, mom, I know you really don't want me to join. He goes, but it's something I really want to do. And um he was like, uh, I could do it on my own when I turn 18, but I'd like to have your blessing, you know. So at that point, it had been going on for like two years. So I figured, okay, he's serious about it. So now I have to change my gears. And instead of, no, no, no, it's like, okay, how can I help you get through it and get the best out of it? And that was the conversation I had with him as to what job he would take on, something that would help him if he went into the Marine Corps and didn't like it for whatever reason, and he needed to come out. I wanted him to have something he could do once he got out.

SPEAKER_02 6:45

So at least pick up a skill.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

What job did he uh, or MOS they call it in the Marine Corps, did he go into?

SPEAKER_00 6:52

To Intel. He was a uh intelligence specialist.

SPEAKER_02 6:56

All right.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

So um because I told him with that he could come out after the five-year, it requires a five-year enlistment. Um, he could get a great paying job, you know, a good career. So that was kind of the conditions, I guess, that I gave him. Um and he did that.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

So physically he was also getting ready for that.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

He was super fit.

SPEAKER_02 7:21

Super fit.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Super fit. Um during high school, he was not I I say boxing, but he wasn't actually like boxing people, but he was doing the workout every day. He was at uh like um not a boys' club, but just a a local gym? Yeah. Well, but a boxing one.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

A boxing gym.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

And so uh I would take him every day after school, and I think that was for a year prior to him joining. Um, and I watched him work out, and I never saw somebody sweat so much. I'd be like, he's getting in my car and he's soaking wet. But he really and he was a runner. We lived in Utah for uh a few years and we lived on the bench, so it was kind of on a mountain, and he would run that hill every day, ride bike uphill, uphill. So when we got to San Diego, I think he was very conditioned for running and he could run and not break a sweat. So he was very fit, very ready, very physically fit. Physically.

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Now, at that point, uh, anything that you noticed as far as uh was he mentally ready for the Marine Corps?

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Well, that was one of the things that I said. I was like, okay, I've never had to yell at you. I've never and here you're gonna go into the Marine Corps, which is it's boot camp to me was the scariest thing that I could think of at the time, you know. So I couldn't even tell you I I did I had no idea how he would deal with it.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

With all the yelling.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Yeah. Yeah and then he was a homebody. And I thought, wow, and he's gonna leave. Like I I had questions, but never really thinking to the depths of where it took him.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

Sure, sure. Um it's just difficult um coming into the Marine Corps or any service, and now you find yourself in boot camp with uh people from all over the country acting in all kinds of different ways, and now you gotta deal with that.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

And can I tell you a really quick funny story about Please do, please do. Well, lucky my son Alex got to be at MCRD, which is, you know, just minutes from my house. I went every single day that he was in boot camp and I watched him every single day. And it was kind of funny because finally when we were able to exchange letters, um, he knew I was there. He knew. And um he said eventually it became a game between him and his friends that he came to meet um to try to spot me because I wasn't obvious like right there in front of him. Sure, sure, sure, you know, uh, because I did not want drill instructors to realize that, but they did find me. Anyways, um, so it became their game. And uh, but I did ask him, is it harder for you knowing I'm there? You know, because if it is, I I won't. And he said, Yeah, I love knowing that you're you're close by. So that was what I did. And I took pictures of when they were having inspections. I want to say that they changed everything because of me. Because the drone instructors knew I was out there, but I Oh, they found out. Yeah, they came to my car. Oh, but you know, they couldn't legally boot me out because I had my ID.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

And I wasn't interrupting, I wasn't doing anything, but they saw me there every day. So they came to my window and they they were asking me, who's your son? And I was like, Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Oh no, oh no, I don't want to share that information.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Eventually they ended up letting me know. They said, you know, since you have ID, um, they're gonna do the Eagle Globe and anchor ceremony. And um, you're able to go. And they told me where to go. So I went to Camp Pendleton and I saw them all coming down off the crucible, which is, you know, yes, kind of the end of it. And um, I got to see him be pinned a marine, and that doesn't happen very often. We're the only ones there.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Special moment.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Very special.

SPEAKER_02 11:55

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

So that's my story of I guess not letting him go in a way.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Did um Alexander reflect on that moment uh when he was pinned a marine and knowing that you were there?

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Um I he was kind of a jokester. So instead he was like, they thought it was that you guys were somebody else's parents, and and he goes, so they didn't yell at me.

SPEAKER_02 12:23

They yelled at somebody else. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

So that's he was just looking forward to the breakfast that they were gonna get.

SPEAKER_02 12:29

A good breakfast.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

An amazing breakfast. Okay, and he enjoyed that.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Well, as an athlete, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

That was what he was well, he didn't eat for those days. Somebody took his MREs, um, and so he didn't eat for the 50 something hours that they're out there hiking, and but it was just interesting. There's a lot of little things like that while he was at boot camp that um that that he experienced, but kind of I experienced with them. Sure. Because wherever he looked, I was there. So it was good.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

Doesn't happen to every Marine. No. No. No, no, no, that's that's a special time.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Now, uh Carolyn, at some point, um Alexander ends up being deployed.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Six months after completing uh his MOS school in Virginia, um, he gets um the orders to go to Afghanistan and um there everything begins, you know, changes and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

Um can you explain a little bit on some of the changes that you were able to observe?

SPEAKER_00 13:48

Um you know, he goes from this, you know, fun-loving guy and just easy going, um never angry or anything. None of us experienced anger from him or anything like that. Um we pick him up at 29 palms when he comes back from Afghanistan, and uh I I don't really truly realize anything until the next, excuse me, the next morning that he he's in bed and it's really early, and the next door neighbor turns on the lawnmower and Alex bolts. Like you hear the door, he just bolts out of his bedroom. And that kind of heavy breathing and this look that I had never really seen, and it was kind of like like anger.

SPEAKER_03 14:47

Sure, you know?

SPEAKER_00 14:50

And I just remember like wow, you know, not still not really knowing what's happening, but understanding something's different.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

Something's definitely different. Yeah. Did you I'm sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

I'm just saying that was the beginning of little things like that, that you're just like, I've never seen that in him.

SPEAKER_02 15:11

Now, Carolyn, did you ever talk to him about that day?

SPEAKER_00 15:16

About him coming home?

SPEAKER_02 15:18

No, about him with the lawnmower incident.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

No, I didn't talk to him about it, but as I started seeing things, um, like we then went to eat, and you know, when they jump out to cheer, happy birthday people, it's so loud, you know.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Um that brought on that same face, the same reaction, like he wanted to just run. Like that was his first like instinct at the time. And he you could see it was like I I I want to say anger because I think when you get that upset and and I think depression is actually that too. Things that trigger you like that, it brings like anger. Um so that and then the drinking really starts kicking in, where now he's like drinking alcohol, you know, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, and you're just seeing it gradually increase, and it's not out partying, it's just drinking at home. At home.

SPEAKER_02 16:23

Just at home by himself.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

Yeah. I mean, we were home, but do you know what I mean? Like not drinking with him. No, just him.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

See he I ended up talking to him about things that I was noticing about the drinking, about the and um for the first time ever, he pretty much shut me down. And I don't want to talk about it, and I'm fine. And he was never short with me, ever. So that was like whoa, you know, like it's totally different. So there was differences in him for sure. Um, but yeah, I couldn't get him to do anything, you know. Yeah, I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it. Don't want to talk about it. That was a response, don't want to talk about it. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

He didn't want to talk about anything that of the things that you were seeing.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Nothing. No.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

And you know, I just want to go back a little bit to the alcohol issue because uh I want the listeners to understand that um what you're describing is something that is a huge red flag.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

And anyone that's suffered in the past knows that you have found yourself drinking alone, drinking heavily and secluding yourself from everybody else. And that is a scary place to be. So I just want to uh re-emphasize that.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Yeah, it's not normal. That's not enjoying yourself.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

No.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

You know, uh, because people drink and they're partying, and I guess that's a norm, they're having a great time. But you do it alone, away from everybody. You're not drinking because it's amazing. You're you're numbing yourself or trying to. We come to find out obviously later.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

That that was the case.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Now, at any point, did Alexander share with you anything regarding um his experience in Afghanistan?

SPEAKER_00 18:39

That came actually. Um, he got orders um to go to Japan for two years.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

And so he's in Japan, and that's where, and mind you, during all this time, you know, I'm just gathering literal bits and pieces of his behavior, things that are happening, and but you're kind of left on your own trying to figure out what's happening. Because when someone has shut down and they're not sharing, you're kind of like left in the dark too. Like, I don't know what to do. And uh when he goes to Japan, um he doesn't go out much. And I would always tell him, take advantage, you're so close, you know, and you're 96, go to another country, go to Australia, do something, you know.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

Um, and I'm not saying he never enjoyed himself, you know, he did enjoy things, but it wasn't something that I think lasted for him. It was like, okay, they'd go diving, they'd go like swim, you know, but but on 96 when everyone's gone for four days and they're off, he was alone in the barracks. And what was he doing? Drinking, because he'd we now caught FaceTime back then, it was Skype or something. Um and all he did was um I'd he'd call me late at night, which is kind of like he knew I was alone at night because my husband would be at work um and there was nobody else. And so he would like video call me late at night, and of course he was like drunk, but he would do the kind of laughing but kind of crying, and you'd see the bottles of beer, and I don't know what the other bottles were. And the first couple times he was just kind of like trying to be like silly, but I think like the third time is when finally he was really like sobbing and and saying that you know he was so drunk, but he was saying, you know, I'm just pretending. He goes, I'm pretending it's a video game. I'm always pretending it's a video game, and I'm kind of trying to put together what what's happening here. I I come to realize that what he was doing, he was drinking to Nummit because I think when he said that, it then dawned on me what had happened in Afghanistan was he he was seeing these things, and you know, a lot of the games are about killing and stuff like that. Sure. And so he said he was trying to pretend it was a video game. So obviously that was playing in his head all the time. And it wasn't until um well that night ended up I was scared too because he drank so much, and then he just says, Cut me off really, I gotta go, mom. And but I think he was so drunk he didn't cut up, he didn't shut off the computer, okay, the laptop. And then I just see him stumble. to in the back, I guess is the bathroom. And I just hear him throwing up and throwing up and then I hear a thump. And then it's like he fell. And it's like I have no idea if he's okay or not. And it it's just as a mom you're almost stunned and it's hard to believe that something like that is happening and you're so far away and how do you check on your son? How do you know that he's okay? And it was then calls like that that I I know that things weren't okay with him and um yeah it was tough one.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

Um Carolyn were you ever able to get like a point of contact over where he was just in case something like that happened again?

SPEAKER_00 22:59

Um friends of his sure or somebody. Yeah um a couple of friends um and they were good about letting me know he's okay um but you know it was kind of also and this is terrible but it's it's always like in hindsight you realize things but then it was like you don't want to make him look like a baby to sure you know it's it's a really tough spot to be in as a parent you know of course um and it was mostly just me um because he never really opened up like that to his siblings didn't open up to his dad about those things so it was just really really hard but you know he ended up being away for the two years and I didn't see him for a year and a half and that was the longest I'd ever gone without seeing him and I think being away from home was really hard for him too because he was so close to everybody. So I think there a lot of things were just kind of piling up besides the war stuff just not being around his family it's just a lot of things I think that were just really uh coming to a head and he was a single man.

SPEAKER_02 24:20

Yeah um at some point he comes back to San Diego and what's the plan uh post-Marine Corps?

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Um his best friend from childhood um also a Marine um ends up joining the CHP before Alex and I guess in talking it's a great career Alex goes to his graduation from the CHP Academy and then decides you know I I'm gonna do that and excuse me um so he applies but that that process ends up taking almost two years to get the invite to the academy. So in the meantime he's going to school um I think he got his like AA in uh criminal justice things like that so he's going to school and um but the drinking continues and mostly at home he does get a girlfriend somewhere in there and um life goes on um and all he ever wanted was to be married. To be married yeah unlike everybody else who's like they're players and da da da yeah sure he just wanted to be married that's what he always wanted and um he would talk about that and dream about that and um so yeah by far not a player at all um and I think that also led to things that end up coming all to a head at one time.

SPEAKER_03 26:06

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Um but he comes home and we wait for him to get the invite and he finally gets the invite to the academy and then um I think it was a matter of weeks from the invite that we all drive up behind him uh because he has to take his car and but they have to fit everything in their car because there's not a lot of room inside their actual dorm. So we follow him up and um we're there for the couple days um and then we leave him there. We come home and he goes through his academy and he flies home like constantly you know when they get a weekend free okay comes home uh how long's the academy uh seven months seven months okay and so he comes home and he's doing great and he always um was humble and wanted to always his words were always fly under the radar so he did what he needed to do but he never wanted to go above and beyond that because doesn't want the attention you know and but still squad leader at the academy squad leader at his MOS school I think he just sometimes you can't really hide who you are sure um and he always was actually well liked and respected and uh even as a uh corporal his Marines respected him and that's from stories I heard from the Marines. Um if I can give a quick example sure of course um that I guess and this is just what they said because I have no idea military life but I guess he would in their terms he'd get chewed out by his superior for his Marines that didn't do some they were supposed to do and they would hear him getting chewed out I guess or Sam and they would expect to be chewed out as well because supposedly they said that's what happens the superior chews out your corporal the corporal comes and chews the Marines out right and they said but he would just come and talk to them and tell them this is what I need you to do that like and they came to tell me they he just earned their respect um and like they'd have watch you know they do like uh I don't know how many hours now I don't remember but like overnight watches they take turns I don't know but the the point of that is that sometimes one wouldn't feel well whatever and Alex he didn't have to do the watch but he would say go ahead and go I'll I'll take over and he would take their watch and they said in time all those things made his Marines want to do whatever he wanted because he was good to them so that's kind of who I guess he always was in uh leading by example exemplary leader yeah which is really important especially in those type of settings yeah and so how did he do in the CHP academy? He did well of course physically well he studied he he did everything he needed was squad leader there too um but he would always say if I pass if I pass and we're always like you're gonna but he was always I don't think he ever felt like he was good enough you know he didn't really take take compliments like he never fished for compliments and he almost wasn't comfortable with you giving compliments okay yeah so it was very humble very very humble yeah now when he graduates from the academy he ends up getting assigned somewhere um east la East LA not busy not busy right across from or under the bridge from uh what are what's the Salvadorian uh gang's uh Salvatrucha no something 18 uh MS no MS 13 MS 13 yeah yeah right under the bridge from where the East LA station is okay yeah so it's a little bit busy a little bit how does he like it i i think he was good um all his buddies would always say that the first thing he would say out of briefing was where are we gonna eat that was always you know um I think he liked it um he didn't complain about it at all except for the paperwork the paperwork everybody complains about the paperwork yeah yes but everything else I think he enjoyed it um I you know what I think he enjoyed his friends okay his co-workers yeah they were good they were good that's important yeah he always wanted to surround himself with people who I guess thought like him who were respectful who were uh honest um I think that's what he he looked for he was looking for that in friends yeah and uh did he ever share with you any stories about his CHP life uh helping people or what have you not much because uh if you look at it really the time that he spent on his own after what they call break-in which is when you go through your field training officers you go through three stages of it uh it wasn't very long before he ended because from graduation to when he passed was five months. Five months so it wasn't a lot of experiences but I do remember one specific one he called me and um it had to do with the car accident and um I believe it was three teenagers who died in that car wreck and he called me and I felt really bad he was talking to me but at some point I just said you know I think uh dad might be able to help you and understand more than I do because I've never experienced that but dad has and then he was like oh yeah okay and so he called his dad but see normally it's always like first with calls you but yeah I couldn't I I have no idea I've never experienced what he was seeing and um and so yeah I kind of said call dad.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

So he was struggling with that particular um incident.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

Yeah that one and if you go back to what happened when he was in the Marine Corps I don't know if you remember at one time there was this um ferry with a lot of um Asian like teenagers and stuff and the ferry boat was um I guess sinking and the ship he happened to be on during some training assignment they were the first ship to that ferry boat and you know what he emailed me because they were all dying and all those kids he says were calling their parents saying their goodbyes and he called me and he was just like so sad over that. So it just his heart was always for people like it it hurt him you know so yeah you wonder about you know I I kind of equate it to marriage because you don't know what it's like until you're in it.

SPEAKER_02 33:59

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 33:59

You don't know what it's gonna take and how it's gonna affect you the same with war and how do you prepare for something like that? You really can't no so I think I'm I'm sure he didn't I mean who does like who has a clue to what's gonna happen what you're gonna see you're not meant to see those things.

SPEAKER_02 34:21

No and especially not at the volume that military and first responders actually see those things. Yeah now uh part of the reason why his dad was able to help him is because his dad was also in law enforcement yep 26 years. So at least he had some idea his dad has some idea of you know experiencing those type of things.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

Yes um and was Alexander able to get some closure from you know I honestly I didn't speak to him about those things the experiences um but he would come home every every his weekend whatever it was during the week but he would come home every week mom I'm hungry make sure you have food for me food was a big thing and yet he was very thin you know and fit um but yeah have salsa and chips ready for me and oh got it so I'd wait up for him he'd show up like at two in the morning and we would talk till six or seven in the morning and then he goes okay it's time to go to bed mom we have to rest a little bit yep and that's how it'd be on his days off and yeah was he able to rest when he did go to sleep I don't think he ever really slept that was probably one of his biggest struggles and I could see how that affects you mentally too to never truly rest I remember when he filled out the paperwork for CHP and it asked have you ever killed anyone and I mean tears in his eyes and looking at me saying Mom what do I put so I think he had a really hard time with any part of the death that he felt like he played a part in you know innocent lives um he just had a really hard time with that do you know what he ended up putting down I I said you put no because you were doing your job.

SPEAKER_02 36:32

Doing your job absolutely absolutely that's one of the sacrifices that um men and women in law enforcement as well as the military that's one of the sacrifices that they do.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

Yeah and you know it's unfortunate but understandable that people who don't know anyone in the military or don't know anyone in law enforcement don't know anyone who's been to war they have no idea what these people go through no clue whatsoever.

SPEAKER_02 37:03

The sacrifice I mean everybody wants to enjoy freedom. Exactly but we don't realize it's not free. It's not free.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

No and it takes people like my son like all the others that are out there um they are sacrificing their life their family life their kids whatever it is they're sacrificing so you have the right to say whatever you want to say good or bad good or bad you want to say dumb or but it's like but it's um it's ignorance it's um you just don't know you just don't know you just don't sometimes we don't realize nor appreciate right what others are doing for us. Yeah it's kind of like if you never lost a loved one you don't know what that feels like either I mean until you experience something you have no idea and and I'm glad when people don't get it it's like you know what be grateful you don't get it.

SPEAKER_02 38:17

Ignorance is bliss.

SPEAKER_00 38:19

Yeah it is and Alex would say that he even put it in a post ignorance is bliss and writing about his nephew saying on um you know I want to protect him from this world. Yeah and uh I think he worried for him because he got to experience ugliness of the world right firsthand.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

Sometimes feel that um I'll speak for myself that you experience those horrible situations so that perhaps your kids or others don't have to you know yeah yeah um now Carolyn he uh let's talk about this horrific day that you find out what's happening with Alex Yeah I I get a call um that night uh from the ex-girlfriend and she just says to me and mind you I I see her calling me and I'm thinking and I don't want to answer but but I answer and she just says you know Miss Scare I just want to tell you I was talking to Alex and and um he's saying he wants to hurt himself and I said okay I said thanks I literally it was that short and I hang up with her I feel like okay I have nothing to say I just call Alex and surprisingly he answers but you can already tell he's not okay and I'm trying to find out what's happening and I go are you okay and and he's saying things like uh why would somebody hurt me I would never hurt somebody like this um there's a lot of just stuff along those lines saying I don't belong on this earth I don't belong here and in those first few minutes um my husband's getting ready to go to work um this is like 9 30 at night and I just did the signal above my like this you know like let's go and I'm I'm in pajamas and mind you I didn't get a purse I got nothing I'm just like my mind is gotta go all the way to East LA okay and I don't know what my husband did but he must have called off I'm not paying attention obviously and we just go grab the keys get in the car and my husband's driving and we're going and I'm on the phone with Alex and he's just crying and saying things and I'm telling him you know I love you and he's saying I love you mom and and I tell him me and dad are on our way you know just wait for us and um he's just saying he loves us and um like I say in hindsight you you see everything but while we're there it wasn't like literal like oh he's gonna kill himself sure I think because hope keeps you kind of going forward and we're driving up he's on the phone um and literally like 15 minutes I think to getting to where he is and and this whole time he's like where are you now where are you now and so I'm telling him oh I'm passing this and I'll be there and you know and I'll fix this and he's saying you can't fix this mom and I'm I'm gonna be there it's gonna be okay and where are you now and I'm telling him uh about 15 minutes out the call gets lost and I call my oldest and I think she calls him and because she's oh let me call him and she calls he answers her and later I find out I find out that she said that he sounded like he was gonna go to sleep so she said you know I'll talk to you tomorrow she's not thinking she's not aware of everything that's happening.

SPEAKER_00 42:45

Okay then I I don't know I find out later he was making calls to people like trying to find someone to talk to I think yeah but not to family which is interesting didn't call family he was calling friends but one family member a cousin calls my daughter my youngest one and she's in Oklahoma at the time and tells her I'm worried about Alex you should call him so in and this is all in those minutes that I'm telling you Victoria calls him and I guess they're talking and the next thing I get is a call um from Alhambra police department and they um they start asking questions about Alex um does he have guns and I say yes you know how many two you know they're asking me just little questions and then they tell me okay when you exit because they're asking me where I am too and I tell them I'm right about to exit. When you exit and you head to the apartments, you're gonna see a lot of lights, you know. Uh the police are there, da-da-da. And at this point I still don't know what's happening. And uh we exit and uh yeah, uh the apartment complex was on a corner and you see all the flashing lights and the fire department, ambulance, everything. But they were saying, but don't get off. We'll have an officer come to you. And I'm still just kind of like not knowing exactly what's happening. Get off. Of course, my husband, he gets off. Um, he goes and I'm still on the corner because they're keeping me back. He goes and I guess he goes up with the police officers to the door of Alex's apartment. I guess they're banging on the door, and my husband's yelling. He would call him Buddy. He didn't call him Alex, Buddy, it's dad, open the door, no, no answer. Uh, I guess they break down the door. Um, you know, and um yeah, I guess he had already done that, and I find out uh later that my daughter Victoria was on the phone with him when it happened. And um afterwards I gathered that what happened because I if you know Alex, there's no way he would have ever done something like that to his sister, where you know that it's just I think he because I had asked him and he had been drinking, I think it was 14 beers. Um and when I uh I I think he was drinking so much that he obviously was gonna do it, he had the gun to his head, but I think when he was gonna hang up with Victoria instead of hanging up Victoria, I think he pulled the trigger and she was on the phone. She's the one who called 911 from Oklahoma. So that's how that ended up happening, because we didn't know how that had happened, but she called 911, but she never got off the phone. So she heard the breaking in, yeah, the door, and she heard the paramedics start working on him. He was still breathing, she said at the time. Um, but then the paramedics, I guess they shut the phone off, you know.

SPEAKER_03 46:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:41

And then I'm outside, and then I just see Marty, my husband, coming towards me with a police officer, and then I just see in the distance the gurney with um Alex on it. And and of course I want to go, and and Marty just kind of stops me, and and and I'm like, we need to go, you know, with him. And they're like, um, he's telling me no, it's not good. But it's not even registering. I'm like, okay, but I need to go. And um, they just tell us, you know, you need to follow the ambulance. And I mean, it's kind of chaotic, but we get in the car and we follow the ambulance, and um then we're held up because my husband had his um weapon on him, so it's taking forever for them to clear us. There's nobody to let us get in, and but then we finally get in, and then um, yeah, we're in a room and uh social worker starts talking to us about what happened, then CHP, I can't tell you who anymore, came in asking questions, then the doctor finally comes in and gives us the news that they tried everything and he didn't make it. And then that was kind of the but I will tell you that night though, uh they asked me, do you want to see him? And I said, Yeah. And so they said, Okay, give us sometime we're gonna prep him. I was like, okay. So they put him in a room and I go in and and the first thing that I that I said was you're finally sleeping, because he looks so peaceful. He he looked like he was resting like for the first time. So you know, you'd think you'd react a different way, but I um I I think I was at peace with it somehow, you know. Uh and of course I'm a a believer, and and while Alex was in Afghanistan, for me, God gave me a message, and it came to me that moment too, was um that our kids don't belong to us. They're alloan to us from God, they belong to him. And that's that it reminded me that that's what God had told me while Ox was in Afghanistan. So I felt like it was almost like a like he warned me, he let me know this is gonna happen. So when it happened, it sounds weird, but I but I almost understood it. And and yeah, but it definitely changed our lives for sure. You find out who the glue is of the family, for sure. So yeah. But yeah, it's not something that you want anybody to experience, but but but you can learn even from the worst experiences. You can learn something good.

SPEAKER_02 50:03

Of course.

SPEAKER_00 50:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:05

Um thank you for sharing. Uh I know it's difficult.

SPEAKER_03 50:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:12

But uh, I mean if we can help others, it's completely worth it. Yeah. Definitely. Your voice is stronger than you think, than you know. Um now, Carolyn. Uh lessons learned.

SPEAKER_00 50:31

I mean, you know, the ones that you hear all the time, like you learn to appreciate things more. You understand time that we we don't know when the end is gonna happen. So take advantage of everything, your loved ones, time to do things, don't put things off, all those kinds of things. But but at the end of all this, it's um there is help, and it's so sad that that we're still going through this because of that stigma that's attached to the mental health issues where you gotta tough it out, you gotta just suck it up. It does make me angry because it shouldn't have to happen. Yeah, it really shouldn't. It's like we go back, but people don't understand what these kinds of experiences can do to somebody. No, it doesn't happen to everybody, but it does happen to a lot. We lose, I think, 22 a day.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

22 military personnel every single day.

SPEAKER_00 51:41

Every day. There's a reason for that. Because everything, and and that goes for first responders too. It's like the things that you see every single day, it's so much ugliness, so much pain, hurt. You are not meant to see those things every day. You are not meant to just hold all that in, but you can't unlive it.

SPEAKER_03 52:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:09

But if you don't look for the tools to handle it, to how to carry it in a way that it doesn't knock you down, these awful things will keep happening. And and it's all because of this stigma that, you know, you can't even tell people at work. And and you surround yourself with people and laugh and joke about what happens, but it's like you're not gonna get help with your friends because you're all in the same boat. You need to go outside of that. And there are people that can help, but you gotta keep trying. But you have to want it, you know, and you have to believe that there that there is help. And I get it, it's very hard because it seems hopeless for the person who's dealing with it, because you're in a dark hole. I get it 1000%. And but it's like, please, please, please just reach out, keep trying, because we end up carrying that pain, and it's hard to carry. And we have to do it sober every day, you know?

SPEAKER_02 53:14

Yes.

unknown 53:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:17

Well, and at least for the military, the VA is available. And the VA, they have a lot of experience. Yeah. And they do uh they do a good job. Um because of all that experience.

SPEAKER_00 53:35

Um I believe it's getting better.

SPEAKER_02 53:38

It's getting better.

SPEAKER_00 53:39

Taking time.

SPEAKER_02 53:39

It's getting better. Yeah. Uh law enforcement. We just in the last decade or so have been focused on wellness and helping our employees. And uh it's slowly getting better. Yeah. But we're not where we should be.

SPEAKER_00 53:56

Officers to come down a little bit off of the top because they did it.

SPEAKER_02 54:02

To s stop with the uh suck it up mentality. Yes.

unknown 54:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:06

That definitely needs to be.

SPEAKER_00 54:07

It should be an illness like an illness where you go get help and and you don't lose your job over, oh, I need to go get checked out.

SPEAKER_02 54:16

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 54:17

You know?

SPEAKER_02 54:17

You know, if you sprain your ankle, yeah, you're not gonna hide it.

SPEAKER_00 54:21

Right, right. You're you're not gonna be feeling like you're gonna lose your job over a sprain. Yeah, it shouldn't be like that.

SPEAKER_02 54:26

Right. That's where we need to be.

SPEAKER_00 54:28

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 54:30

But we're not there yet.

SPEAKER_00 54:31

No.

SPEAKER_02 54:32

Um, Carolyn, what do you uh what do you say to anyone that's currently struggling?

SPEAKER_00 54:43

You know, you it's hard, but you have to find the strength to just take one little step towards reaching out and getting help. Because when you think about everything down the road that your family will miss, you know, sorry I'm bouncing here, but the depression and stuff, and I had mentioned it to you before, but it it does trick you. It does make you believe that you there's no need to hang on, that the world is better without you, that you're not needed. It's not always about, oh, you're not loved. No, it's the depression, it lies to you and it tells you that people will be okay without you. And it's not true. It's not true. We carry that heartache. It's like Alex said I'd be fine without him. He told Victoria, you'll be fine. It's like, are you kidding me? But you know, they're so deep in their hurt in this hole, they can't even see the light of day. And you it's like, if you hear what I'm saying and and you're struggling, or know someone who is, you gotta just keep pushing, don't give up on them. You know, um you gotta just find a way to reach out. And we really have to work hard on jobs and stuff, not making it so hard for people to say, I am struggling, I need help. I don't know. I wish it was a clear-cut answer, but just hang in there, just hang in there a little bit longer, but reaching out to someone who can help you. And if that person can't, go to the next one. Yes, it's exhausting, it feels hopeless, but it's so worth it in the end if you can hang out and you're gonna be around the people who love you. You're gonna see nieces and nephews be born, you'll see people, you know, your grandparents' birthday. I mean, there's just so much you miss out on, and so much that the people who love you miss out on you.

SPEAKER_03 56:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:50

You know?

SPEAKER_03 56:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 56:53

A lot of good still happens and you miss out. So just hang in there, reach out. Like I mean, I wish we could grab people by the hand and go, here, we're taking you, and there's the help, you know? Because it it's not something anybody should go through. Not the person that is dealing with it, and not the families that are left behind to deal with it.

SPEAKER_02 57:18

There's a lot of scars.

SPEAKER_00 57:19

A lot. A lot. And it's every day.

SPEAKER_02 57:23

Now, Carolyn, what about uh, you know, some people may miss a red flag? They somebody may be reaching out to them, and at that moment they may not have the time, so they're kind of short. Um anything that you would say to people that uh, you know, fall in that category.

SPEAKER_00 57:48

You know, one of the things that I feel like I learned after this whole thing with Alex is um when somebody reaches out, and sometimes it's let's say, for example, an odd hour in the evening, late, they usually don't come, but they're like, hey, how's it going? And you're like, oh, good. And you leave it like that. I've learned to say, I'm good, but are you okay? Is anything going on? You give it back, and that's kind of like an open door for them to kind of start talking. Because if you're like, yeah, I'm good, how's it going? Then, you know, you're not opening any doors for people to talk.

SPEAKER_02 58:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:28

Um, I really most of it is just don't leave it at. If you call someone, how's it going? And they're like, good, don't leave it like that. Take it to the next, you know, another question. Are you sure? You know, I'm thinking about you, is everything going okay? Give a reason for someone to open up to feel like someone's willing to listen. Because most people think nobody wants to listen to me, nobody wants to hear me cry, nobody wants to hear me vent, nobody, you know, kind of open up that door and just kind of like, hey, I'm here, you okay? Or I'm in the middle of something, but are you okay? Like, do you need to talk? You have to know that because I'm sure if you knew that they're struggling, you would put aside what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 59:15

Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:17

So I think it's just kind of be aware. If someone's reaching out, just make sure they're okay by asking, are you okay? And don't go with just, I'm good. Say, are you sure? You know, another question. I'm here, you know.

SPEAKER_02 59:32

Carolyn, I sounds like great advice because most people that are struggling are not gonna call you and say, hey, look, I'm struggling. No, they won't. They it won't be that clear cut.

SPEAKER_00 59:42

No, no, they're kind of looking for someone to just kind of on their own sound like they're willing to hear you.

SPEAKER_03 59:51

Right.

SPEAKER_00 59:51

That's what it is. And it's that little extra, like I said, where you don't go, oh yeah, I'm busy. No, it's like, did you need something? Are you okay? You know, do you need me to call you? Just a little simple line like that can make all the difference in the world.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:08

You should also be able to pick up on when you speak with someone and it's a little bit odd or just out of the ordinary, not their normal selves, not the same conversation that you always have. Take that moment to ask those questions, like you mentioned.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:27

Yeah. And especially too, if you know that they've been going through something. Sometimes they don't say it deeply, like a million things, but you know something's been going on in their life, whether losing a job or what call them up. Hey, how's it going? You know, are you doing okay? Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to talk? It's simple little things that can make such a big difference to the person who's struggling. They just want to know if somebody wants to hear them.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:56

You know, even people going through a breakup.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:00

Exactly. And that is huge.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:02

Huge.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:04

Huge. That and money issues, you know. It is.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:08

Yeah, money. Yeah. Uh Carolyn, anything else that we did not discuss today that you think is important for our listeners to uh understand about uh this topic?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:24

You know, I just my experience with all of this and you know, having a husband and law enforcement, and uh there's changes that happen in those that we love that are in, you know, any first responder, and like we said, military. It's um these changes mean that they're they're actually hurting and and they don't open up. So you kind of have to be aware of of these changes, and they may be kind of subtle, and you know them best. So you know something's different. Talk to them, go in it, say, you know, I may not understand what you're dealing with, but can you share with me? Help me try to understand, don't keep it in because it does nobody any good to keep it in. And maybe in them sharing little by little, they start opening up. Sometimes just being able to get it out can help them too. Because a lot of all this comes from holding it in and thinking nobody wants to hear it, nobody can understand it. Right, you know. Um, it's so much about communication.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:42

Well, you know what, uh, Carolyn, I think it's so important to understand that you have to talk to somebody and understand that you're not alone because there's been many people that have felt what you're feeling. Yeah. And there's power in communication.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:59

Definitely. Definitely. And you know, there's no clear cut, you know, you got to do this, got no, but it is, like you said, communication both ways, you know, but the person struggling will have a harder time with it. So you have to put in that work to want to hear it, want to get them to let all that hurt out. Because, you know, what first responders see every single day, in order to live that life, you kind of have to start hardening your heart. You really do. But that will then take its toll on that person and on the families, because changes happen in order to keep doing what they do every day. Because it it's that's it's a hard thing to see every day.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:51

Now, last thing, Carolyn. Um Alex's legacy lives on at the CHP.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:01

We talked about a workout that they do.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:04

You you want to share a little bit of that story with us, please?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:07

Just really quick. Um, it was just interesting because um, and I wish I had the exact wording for what they do. I think you tried helping me, some kind of a buyout. I don't know, but I didn't realize until later that he uh he would work out at the gym there at the East LA office. And um I guess they would write it on the whiteboard. Whoever was doing workout would write it on the whiteboard. So Alex wrote his workout on the whiteboard, and of course it must have happened right before he passed because they did they sent me a picture of it where it said do not erase because it was Alex's um workout. But um they do it every year on the anniversary of his passing. They all do that workout, but see, I don't know the wording for it, but either put money, I don't know. The thing is they all do that workout, but they all say it makes them throw up. It's that hard. You know, right? But they ended up actually instead of doing the do not erase, um, they ended up making a wooden plaque with the workout on it and his picture engraved in it on wood, and now it hangs in the East LA office there or the gym. Um, so they do that every year, and they always send me pictures and stuff like that. So I think it's it's really awesome. And his picture is in the briefing room along with the American flag. And uh yeah, he's definitely not forgotten. Secretaries have his picture on their desks, and you know, he was there such a short time, but they all said they loved him. Comments after he passed were just um how he impacted their lives, made them better people because of his love of family. Uh loyalty, uh integrity. I mean all the th all the things that you would wish for.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:09

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:11

Um he had those qualities and and it's amazing that in a humble way those came through. And people that's what they remember him for. So it's it's awesome. He was definitely a gift. And I think beyond all that, um he truly showed unconditional love for people. He was unjudgmental. And um it showed that you can love unconditionally, but it requires you to be selfless.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:47

No pride in like, you know, oh I'm this. No. It requires you to yes. And I think that's probably for me the biggest thing is that uh he's like the light of Christ, because you're supposed to be that light and love like that. And he taught us that that's possible because he was that.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:11

Well, Carolyn, thank you for sharing the story. Thank you. Um, it's empowering when people listen to it. Um we can remember Alex and uh thank him for his contributions, and hopefully we can talk to one another and help somebody else so that uh they don't fall victim to uh this mental health uh issue that we're talking about today. Yeah, Carolyn. Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate you. Thank you. And I'm looking forward to uh the conference in uh Palm Springs. Yes, that's gonna be good because a lot of the attendees will get a lot out of it with you there live. I hope so. So thank you. Thank you, thank you, and thank you, everybody. Thank you for tuning in. Really appreciate it. Um, this episode was to honor Alex Guerra, his contributions and sacrifice to his country and his community. His legacy will live on in the CHP and all of law enforcement. His mother continues his legacy by sharing his story. If you're struggling, feeling suicidal, you can contact 988 and get somebody to help you. If you're just struggling with everyday stuff, not necessarily feeling uh suicidal, but you're struggling, and you need to talk to another peace officer, copline. We have trained officers that will help you get through whatever it is that you're struggling with. Want to thank you all for uh listening, and we're gonna end this episode with our brother in Christ, our brother in law enforcement, Greg Adminson, who's gonna share a prayer with all of us so that we all get home safely. Thank you for watching. God bless you.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:25

We come before you with gratitude for the brave men and women who have answered the sacred call to protect and serve. You said in Romans 13, verse 4, that the one in authority is God's servant for your good. Lord, we thank you for every officer who stands the line. We thank you for every officer who runs toward the sound of danger when others run away. We thank you, God, for every officer who brings order out of chaos and who seeks justice with compassion. Father, as warriors in a fallen world, we draw our strength from you. Your word declares in Psalm 144, verse 1, Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for every battle. Train our hands, Lord, not only for the battles of the street, but for the battles within. Give us courage when fear whispers, give us patience when tempers rise. Grant us wisdom when decisions must be made in an instant. Lord, we ask for your divine protection over every officer in the field. Surround them with your angels as a shield, as you promised in Psalm ninety-one, and let your peace guard their heart and mind in Christ Jesus. When they grow weary, remind them that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles. Almighty God, you are our strength, you are our shield, you are our ever-present help in times of trouble. Father, when the day's work is done, bring them home safely. Restore their spirit, renew their joy, and remind them that they do not fight this battle alone. For you go before them, you go beside them, you are with them. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, our commander and king. Amen.