Perimenopause: What if there was nothing to fix?

Welcome to Peri-Normal! In this episode, Steph sits down with the amazing Britt Ballard, creator of The Unsent Show, for a real, unfiltered conversation about perimenopause, creativity, and what it means to be a woman in midlife.

We get into:

• The wild ride of perimenopause—the grief, the superpowers, the chin hairs, the metamorphosis. 
• Britt says, “When I gave birth, the woman I was before then died.” We talk about the life cycles of womanhood and the constant deaths and rebirths along the way. 
• Why “there’s nothing to fix” might be the most freeing mantra for this stage of life. “ I'm just alive. I'm just porous.”
• “Is it Trump or is it hormones?” Untangling the macro-crises from the micro, and discerning what is ours and what belongs to the collective. 
• “My body is finally my own. This is new.” We unpack why midlife is finally the time to get in touch with what we really want. 
• Honest talk about hormones, night sweats, bleeding, and the never-ending search for the right supplement or self-care ritual to solve all your problems. “There’s a tincture for that!” 
• The gamification of perimenopause: On trying everything from pills to acupuncture, and still feeling like you’re “behind,” or “not doing it right.” 
• “Not everything is about estrogen.” Like PMS, perimenopause is not to blame for all our problems or arguments—but it does make it difficult to mask and tolerate problematic behavior. 
• Why Britt is looking forward to certain aspects of aging, and how she envisions women playing a role in her future crone life. 

Join Britt in Denver on Friday, 9/26 for the Unsent Show, and make sure you find Steph in the audience and say hi! Tickets here.

And don't miss "Back to school comedy night" on 9/28 at the Lafayette Arts Hub. Join Steph and other local moms for hilarious storytelling and stand-up comedy. Tickets here.

Britt is a mother, writer, filmmaker, host of Unsent live show and podcast, and co-founder of the new healing arts non profit Three Things with her husband, rap artist Old Man Saxon. She’s a trained End of Life Doula through Peaceful Presence, and she guides older adults through 3rd Act Life Review Interviews as part of her legacy work offerings. She makes music as Baby Luck (she's not a singer but she can sing!) and more music will be pouring out of her soon. She really loves hosting Unsent Show and is expanding the show in exciting ways, so stay tuned! She’s grappling with grief and freedom, so she's currently writing a film about a daughter whose mom asks her to help her die, and a TV series about a barber turned death doula that she pitched at SeriesFest Pitch-a-thon and won, amongst many other short stories and essays! She also writes The Overflow on Substack, which is her happy place. (She doesn't love the word "should" but you should please read it.) She’s going to write a book someday, or maybe she already is? 

Transcript

0:06

Midlife, A DHD can be scary. But it doesn't have to be. Here on paranormal, we are demystifying neurodivergence and perimenopause. Plus, with candid conversations and advice from experts, join me for a no holds barred exploration of what it means to be neurodivergent at midlife. Let's redefine normal together. On today's episode, I speak with Brit Ballard of the Unsent Show, about the good and the bad of perimenopause, the superpowers and the grief. And she asks a really important question, what if there was nothing to fix? Keep listening for our candid conversation about bleeding, aging wisdom, and what happens when we start tuning into our bodies. I'm Steph Springer, and this is paranormal.

Steph: 0:57

hello everybody. This is my very first guest interview for this brand new podcast, and I could not be more excited that my guest is Brit Ballard. If you do not know her, she is a dynamo. She is the founder, the creator of the Unsent Show. I will have her tell you a little bit more about that. It's a beautiful storytelling show. She brings this incredibly diverse, eclectic mix of people, of stories, of styles, of tones, of art, and, and brings people together in community. It's a beautiful thing she does. She's a gifted writer, and she's just one of those people that makes everyone feel special and important and seen. And I think that's a really underrated superpower. So, and Britta is also gonna be in the cast of the Listen to Your Mother Boulder holiday show on November 29th. So she's a storyteller, she's a mom. You can tell us all the, the things that you want our listeners to know about you, and, and then we are gonna have a super candid conversation about perimenopause today. So, um, but gimme the basics. First. Tell, tell our listeners about you, your family, where you live, what you do.

Britt: 2:09

Oh my goodness. Um, you told everybody about unsent, so thank you. Couldn't have sent it better myself. Um, but yeah, I'm the host and producer of the Unsent Show and podcast. And I also do writing and writing workshops for youth, um, around letter writing. I also do that for older adults, like through the Denver Public Library. Um, I am a death doula, end of life doula, focusing on legacy work for older adults. Um, I. Helping them do what I call my third act, life reviews, where I interview people, um, from the third acts of their life, and then the fourth being their future and how they imagine the next phase of their life to go and sort of helping people make sense of their lives through storytelling and. And voice and creativity. Um, I have a nonprofit called Three Things That Encompasses all of these projects with my husband, rapper, old Man Saxon. Um, we do way too much together, but I love him. He's an introvert. I'm an extrovert and he's a rapper, and he does healing Futures music workshops for youth. So we're very into like healing arts, catharsis, entertainment. Story, it's essentially a media production company. Um, my background is in film. I used to work at Sundance and program film festivals and made movies with actors and crazy people in la and I'm on my second and best life right now. Well, I'm on probably the 20th life, but right. Second marriage. Um, and you know, you have to do it more than once to get it right sometimes. And I'm gonna have to do it more than twice to get it right.'cause I've been divorced

Steph: 3:44

twice, so. Mm-hmm.

Britt: 3:45

Good for you girl. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You never know what's coming, coming next. But, um, yeah, we have two children. Um, you know, we have a crazy wild, um, you know, low income, high output, creative. Home. We call it the art house. We make music and books and podcasts together as a family and separately. And I write a sub stack called The Overflow, which is kind of my happy place. And, um, working really hard, this year to do more of my own writing in my own voice. I love hosting, but I also feel like I need to. Um, do more of that. So that's coming more, more writing from me, but I'm also firmly, squarely inside of perimenopause and have been for I think, quite some time.

Steph: 4:31

Right. I think it's hard to identify when you actually walked into that phase and then you're like. Oh my God. I'm standing right in the, like, how long have I been in this room? Right. And I didn't even know, but Right. So one of the reasons I've been so excited to talk to you about this is everything you just said, like storytelling, connection, community. Yeah. Combined with you were very acutely aware of the ebbs and flows of life. Of the cycles of life. All the, like all the powerful work you're doing with youth all the way through your end of life work. Um, yeah. So like cycles of life. Stages of life. And here we are in this newish one of perimenopause. Mm-hmm. And you know, as I. I've been thinking about, you know, like the maiden mother crone thing, right? Yeah. But like there's a missing, there's a missing piece in there, right? Yeah, a big one. A big one. I wrote an essay a few years ago called Maiden Mother. Bitch. That was, yeah, just basically about, I hadn't even realized the resistance I was having from moving out of the maiden mother. Like, we're always gonna be mothers, but I'm like, crone. Yeah. Like I'm in my forties, this isn't right. And so it's like the queen. Queen. Yeah. The era as a queen and the queen era is like super perimenopausal. Yeah. And um, I think that probably most of us don't notice when we get there. And so, yeah. You said you've probably been here for a while. Do you have any idea? Yeah. How long and what tipped you off to the fact that like, this is perimenopause.

Britt: 6:04

Um, well, I had my fir daughter's late. I was 36 with my first 38 with my second, and I, I tandem breastfed. I mean, I did everything. You're, you know, theoretically. So it's a do that your body can do. And I also was probably deeply depressed. And then we moved from LA right during that time. And, um, two things happened with becoming pregnant. I got incredibly creative, like, like I fertile in every way, like it opened that. I guess there's a chara there, but whatever is supposed to be opened, it was a portal and I actually called myself Baby Luck and I have another life where I DJ and do electronic music. But, um, we can talk about that later. But it sort of opened up this birth. It, it real, I realized that a I died when I gave birth, the person I was before. All the iterations of who I was before that this new rite of passage was a death, and it incorporated a ton of loss, a loss of freedom, a loss of self, a loss of understanding. And then I embraced the mother, the mother role, and I then I became confused about. Anything outside of that, right? Yes. So like, oh, I'll let my husband be the artist and I'll just cook and be home. And it felt good for a little while. And then it started not to, um, and then sex started to be a thing where it's like, it hurts, or I'm bleeding, or I'm, and then something might be wrong with me. And then my mom got sick, and so then I think, oh, I'm sick because she's sick. Right?'cause we were very enmeshed. I was an only child and I, I took care of her. Body and herself through, through death. Um, and then I stopped getting my period automatically. I started, I've always had crazy periods. I've been subscribed everything, right? Instead of just being like, your life is crazy, one woman was like, one, OB was like. If you can't change your life, you should start antidepressants. And I'm like, okay, how does one change their life? Right. And so I guess I notice a shift in the cycles not being as regular, the PMs being different. I used to be really horny before my period. And then I now, then it's like, oh, I'm tired and I'm bloated and I'm really farty. This is my new thing. I'm farty. Right, right. And then it's like, okay, so I'm gassy, and then it's like. Then my kids are like, are we gonna have a brother? Because I'm walking around with like a water. Oh no, a water belly. So these are signs both seen by myself and externally where it's like, I am fatigued, I'm foggy. I have all these goals, but I don't wanna get out bed. And I, am I depressed? Is it Trump? Is it me? Is it my body? Is it Trump or is it

Steph: 8:41

me? Is it Trump? Or is it my hormones? Yeah, I mean, what kind of, I think it's both. I think it's both. Like, I

Britt: 8:48

think we're in and both scenario here. Yeah. So I'm, I'm bleeding, my God, I get chin hairs. My chin hair finally turned gray. That was another good fun one there,

Steph: 8:59

there with you.

Britt: 8:59

I'm like, oh my God, I have to leave to, I have to sit in the car and I know I finally put tweezers in the car. I'm like, fuck it. I,

Steph: 9:07

I'm so

Britt: 9:08

there

Steph: 9:08

with you.

Britt: 9:10

Oh my God. It's a good play. It's a good mirror. It's a good light. So. I guess those are little signs like the bleeding with sex, the pain, the shifting in libido, the shifting in, like wanting to sleep with the kids, not him. The the being, freezing, being hot, being, and so I go to ob, she says, just take the hardware out. I'm like, please don't talk to me like I'm a computer. So I go to another person and she gives me an antidepressant. I'm like, I start being suicidal. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go off that. And then it's acupuncture. I did a Feeding Your Demons retreat. I did a silent retreat. We're in couples therapy. I'm in therapy every week. I'm in writing workshops. I'm like, right, I am at the spa. I'm doing durga one year immersion with the goddesses. I am like trying everything to. Essentially what I would feel, I think the, the problem with it all is all of it's beautiful work, but it's coming. I'm coming at it as if I'm broken.

Steph: 10:07

Yes.

Britt: 10:08

And I'm just alive. I'm just porous. I'm feeling everything that everyone is feeling and it's a fucking superpower and it's increasing and my intuition is increasing as I get older.

Steph: 10:22

Yes.

Britt: 10:23

And I fucking love it. I love who I am. I love my tits. I finally have tits, not milk, tits, like actual tits, like should I like, my husband's like, do you think you should start wearing brass? I'm like, oh my God. I guess so. Is it time? Is it time for my first bra? Oh my God. 45. So those are all clues to me that like, okay, we're, we're in a shift. And I'll never forget, I, I wish I could ask my mom about this stuff, right? Because it's like no one told me about this part. But essentially when they were talking about menopause, they were talking about perimenopause. Because menopause is Yes, it's over.

Steph: 11:03

It's a day. Chilling. It's, it's, it's a moment. It's a shift to I will no longer bleed again. Yes. We were completely sold a bill of goods about perimenopause. Menopause is a thing. It just means you're not bleeding it. The shit show is perimenopause. The shit show is now, which is

Britt: 11:21

right when Trump is here. Right. When my kids are gonna hit puberty themselves, I'm reverse. I'm doing a reverse puberty situation right now. Yep. So I'm losing my ability to have children and I've lost, now it's another loss, right? I never really had a funeral for the woman I was before I was, became a mom, and now I feel like I need to have one for her. And the one that was like, that was rooted in male attention and sexuality and now it's kind of like, uh, I think I might wanna stay home, right? Like I am. I'm not just, my body's not just changing. I'm actually allowing my body to lead the way right now, which is new.

Steph: 12:00

Yes. And that metamorphosis, that's the stuff that I think we don't talk about, um, right. I also became very creative with pregnancy. That's when I started writing again. I couldn't stop. It was like, it just kind of possessed me. Yeah, and, and I feel like motherhood is a giant identity crisis. I started writing a book way back then, like one of those books that never. Comes out of your shelf. Yeah, and And I called it, my name is Mommy. Yeah. And what's fascinating is that was when I had a toddler and I was so tired of hearing my own name, which was not my name. Mommy is not my name. I like that whole, who am I thing? Yeah. Now it's a blip and I have a 19-year-old. Right. And a 14-year-old. And, and then, and you hear this, you hear people saying like, oh, just wait. You're gonna, you're gonna get to the other side and you're gonna wish, I never say that shit to people, but what I will say is that identity crisis of becoming mommy and then the unbecoming mommy. I mean, my girls still call me mommy. They're teenagers. Like my little one just slept with me last night. Yeah, it's, it's not like the motherhood ends. Right. But it's like you said, that ability to, to get pregnant, to carry children, and when I wrote that essay. Maiden Mother, bitch, it was because I was eavesdropping on a pregnant woman who was just like, and then you, it rolls across your whole body like a wave, and if you put headphones on your belly, and I was like, Ugh, shut up. Like, I hate you. And then it, it took me longer than I would like to admit to realize that that was because I was jealous. I was mourning something that was ending. And yeah. I just think as mothers and as women, we aren't necessarily prepared for the magnitude of these shifts. And,

Britt: 13:43

um,

Steph: 13:43

yeah. I don't know. I love what you said about sort of the, the nesting dolls within that we have these little funerals for or don't Yeah.

Britt: 13:51

And then

Steph: 13:51

well, yeah.

Britt: 13:52

Or would like to, yeah. I mean, I'm a big

Steph: 13:54

ceremony

Britt: 13:55

ritual person. Mm-hmm. But yeah, this idea of like, we are with the moon. I mean, we have a cycle that's connected to water in the moon, and I believe in all that. And I, you know, I think I've also just gotten more like in tune with my dreams. So there's a lot of stuff that sucks, right? Bloating, exhaustion, wrinkle, I mean, that's aging. Plus losing the ability to give birth plus re reconfiguring your hormones constantly and your skin and what you like. Smells, I mean, people chewing, I mean, ev if it was gross before now. I mean, I'm in this writing group and like I have to leave, like I'm in this room instead, suddenly I,

Steph: 14:33

I had to leave a sound back because someone fell asleep and was snoring and I thought I was gonna murder them. Wake the, I was like the fuck up. I know. Like

Britt: 14:41

you're ruining my experience. I know, I know. So, yeah. And what people talking at the silent spot? I just, and I'm more, I'm more sensitive. Yes. And that's like, it's a superpower and my kids are sensi and that's just the sensitivity that can be really hard for people where the, when the world is this, this harsh Yes. Right. And so, yeah, I, I love it. And I'm also just aware that it requires a deep honesty too. Like today it's like, what do I have energy for? Instead of like, push, push, push. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Yeah. I mean, I still do that too, but, but when I can't do it, I can't do it.

Steph: 15:19

Right. And that honoring, and I really like, I really love that you are presenting the fact that like, yes, there are things that are really frustrating. Like, I wake up scratching my face like a little newborn. Who needs mittens? Yeah. Because my skin is dry. Like, there's nothing fun about night sweats or bloating, but the You are right. The the intuition. Yeah. And the, the leaning into the wisdom, the honoring your body. That's new. That's different. That's new. We've never been able to do that. Haven't our bodies, people haven.

Britt: 15:47

My body was for people to, men to look at and women to, I guess compete about maybe, and then birth to grow your babies and breastfeeding. Yep. And now, and then Now it's, I don't know what it's for, I guess to, to host unsent, right? To walk, to breathe, to smell things, to sleep or not sleep. Right. But it's to dream now more and. It also is just it. It is devastating. I don't know what size I am. I don't know where I should shop. I don't know. I think it's okay for a while to not know who I am. I think I just need to, to rest in that instead of trying again to make everything a problem that I have to fix. Right. It's like, I don't know. Right. What's going on? Why are you crying? I don't know. I feel things, maybe it's from mommy. Maybe my mommy. Maybe your, my maybe ancestor, maybe the people who are being killed every day. Right. Maybe Trump. I don't, yep. Maybe Trump. Maybe it's Trump or hormones or both. Mm-hmm. Every day. And it's just been a wild ride through. I'm terrified. My girls are black. I mean, my husband's black driving. I, I, there's a fear and an anxiety that has been intensified, of course, by this. And there's been an opening and a, a deepening and a desire to like dig in the muck and root. We got bees. I'm digging the weeds out. Like yes, there's something fundamentally more. Alive in me than there ever has been. And being alive is hard.

Steph: 17:18

Well, the word that comes to mind for me is wild, right? Yeah. Like, yeah, there, there's, there's an opening, there's a deepening, and there's, and there's a wildness. And wildness can be beautiful and also terrifying and Right. And I think you're right. I think, I think many of us struggle to sit in the discomfort of, I don't know. I don't know how to solve this. Am I going to take another supplement or change my nutrition? Am I gonna get a different therapist? Am I gonna do a different meditation? Am I gonna try estrogen patches? Like some of this stuff I did all that. I, uh, yeah, no, like, let's talk about everything you threw at the wall and we'll see if anything stuck. So my, my former co-producer of Listen to Your Mother Boulder, Megan Voss, wrote a beautiful essay called, there is Nothing to Fix. And that was her, her mantra for a long time. Um. That I think came from therapy. Like there is nothing to fix. There is nothing to fix. And I think that's such a powerful paradigm shift because we've been trying to fix problems our whole lives.

Britt: 18:12

Mm-hmm.

Steph: 18:12

Right. And um, and there is that fine line between embracing the gifts of this moment, the intuition, the being more in touch with yourself, and also struggling with the things that you do want to fix. Um, so you threw a lot at the wall to see what would stick.

Britt: 18:29

Yeah. I mean, and I won't remember all of it because it's been forever, but one thing I will say is the loss is real though. Like, I don't wanna underestimate the power of like, the loss of sleep. The loss of like moisture in the skin. Yeah. The loss of hair, the loss, the loss, the, the creeping towards the inevitable death mm-hmm. Is as much as I wanna be, as close to death as possible. To understand it and become accustomed to it and accepting of it. I'm still terrified of it. And I do think perimenopause is an internal and external reminder that we are walking. Yes. Mm-hmm. Death and I, I think that's scary. And I think that's why we're like, Ugh, old people. Like I think there's a discuss of. The naturalness of the human body, especially women's body. My mom was Catholic, so I mean, Catholic bodies are just, you know, we're, we are born wrong, right? Like to be ashamed of and cover up. I mean, I don't know if my mom ever was naked like she was. Right? So private and I, so of course I'm walking around the house naked, right? And do I love the way my body looks? No. But you know, so some of the things I do. To, um, and I don't know what has stuck. It's probably a combo. The thing that stuck the most is just being still in the morning for five minutes.

Steph: 19:49

Yep.

Britt: 19:49

Do I do that every day? No, but when I do before everybody else's rhythm catches my orbit, I am happy, I'm, I can respond instead of react. Um, you know, writing really, really does help. Like actual writing, like committing to writing practice. Um, I did the Feeding Your Demons Retreat, which is like at Tara Mandala. It's a lot like internal family systems, but sort of the Buddhist track. Um, you know, you like, you sit in front on a pillow and you talk to your demon and you imagine them and you go back and forth. And I did that in front of a class of people and I don't know, I don't know if that helped. Um, hormones, I've done progesterone and the patches. I just find it to be exhausting, all of it. Like I don't feel like there's any, I have to do it too long. I have to go through everything too long to see if it works and it's hurting me in the process of discovery. It's hurting me too much to continue, so I stop. Um, I'll try. No screen, no wine. Less coffee. I'm never gonna stop coffee. Me either. Um, no. Um. Trying, like, what else have I done? I have a list. Can I look at my list?

Steph: 21:02

Yeah, look at your list. And I, and I will share. So my, my current formula right now, me, so I, oh yeah, please. I am doing the, the lowest dose estrogen patch that made my night sweats go away. And it was pretty instant feedback for me. But then I was having other issues and sleep. So now I'm taking oral progesterone to balance out the estrogen patch. And it has solved a handful of problems for me, not all of them. And one of the biggest things that happened to me when I like opened my eyes and realized that I was in perimenopause, but also had just had like maybe the world's ugliest divorce, right? So for me it was trying to separate again, those Venn diagrams, what's my body, what's my life? What's the micro, what's the macro? How much is political, how much is hormonal? Is this my kids? Is it my divorce? And so it was a really bewildering web to try to, to separate out the individual threads. And I realized after, again, thank you for saying sometimes we walk around naked and don't love the bodies that we see, and we don't have to, we don't have to shame ourselves into gratitude. But I was like, not loving this body. What the fuck is going on? I had developed insulin resistance, um, oh, as part of perimenopause and divorce stress. Now, now I wear a CGM. Um, okay. Where's your

Britt: 22:21

estrogen patch?

Steph: 22:22

It's, it's, I know I've got my CGM up here on my bicep and my estrogen patches down on the, uh, right side of my belly today. Okay. Okay. You move it. I move it from side to side. Okay. I, I, it was supposed to be changed on Wednesday. I'm try it again. Today is Thursday. Did I move it on Wednesday? Well, fuck no, I didn't.

Britt: 22:40

So yeah, I always forgot to take the pill, which also made me suicidal. So that's, I've resisted the patch and progesterone thing, but that's the thing to try again, I guess.

Steph: 22:50

Well, it, it might be, but that's, that's the thing that like. I don't know. You don't wanna walk around and be like, oh my God, you haven't had cottage cheese pancakes every day for two weeks. Well, then you don't know what you're doing. Like you don't wanna be that person that's like, have you tried ashwagandha? Have you tried this? Have you? I know it's the same. Take that every day too. No.'cause I also have all the fucking tinctures in addition to the prescriptions. Yeah. It's a full time job. Creat, did you do the creatine yet? Yes, I did, but then it made my levels too high. I like, oh my god, collagen and my coffee.'cause yeah, I too will never go off coffee. MCT and, and collagen. I know.

Britt: 23:29

This

Steph: 23:29

is,

Britt: 23:29

it's like, it's, it's also gross that it's, so it's just for people who have the disposable income, which by the way, we don't. We don't. So I'm like, we don't, I don't, I don't like, I mean, I'm doing, I'm like, this is how much, like I just. I look at it and I go, this is just a new, it was makeup and working out and now it's this, this part of Whole Foods. Right? And I just am, I'm not, it just still feels there's like a level of shame if I don't know all of the things to do or if I haven't tried it or if I'm behind. And so I just, sometimes it's like. I mean, I'm perimenopausal. The world is crazy. I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to scream. I don't know what's going on, but I know it's temporary. And I don't want it to end because then I'll be older. Well, and

Steph: 24:21

I hear

Britt: 24:21

that, but I know I'm not pregnant anymore when my period's late.

Steph: 24:25

I Right. Exactly. I think, okay. What you said, like, am I behind? Like we've made, like we've, we've gamified perimenopause now. It's like you haven't gotten to the black coho square. Well, oh yeah, I You're not there. No, the, the competitiveness about it, and yes, it is an industry because like, my God, the stuff I'm putting on my face and all the, all the, the collagen, the supplements, the MCT, the tinctures, the Ayurvedic herbs, um, all of it. All of it. But, um, what you said though, like the, the not, you also don't wanna rush through it to the end, right? Because of what that means. It's just

Britt: 25:02

we're, I think I'm stuck and it's a stagnation or it's a beginning of a stagnation that is. But then sometimes I believe, I don't know where you're at with the cycle, but I still, like, I used to know for a fact that I was gonna be getting my period. Yep. But now it's like. No, if I could be bleeding right now and not know,

Steph: 25:22

I, I probably am bleeding right now. And don't know. I literally just called to schedule an appointment with my doctor because I texted her in the portal like, Hey, um, I'm just bleeding and cramping randomly all the time, all the time. And I'm like, is this, I'm like, oh, I think that was, I just ovulated.'cause I know'cause I can feel it. Yeah. I'm like, oh, maybe I had a cyst and that's the bleeding. Oh wait, I'm bleeding again. Yeah. Oh, did, was that my period? Or not like. And I have, oh my God, I've got two teenage daughters. So when the three of us are cycled up. Like, dear God, help us God help. No. Yeah. And so I thought we'd all finished our period and I took one of mine to the art museum the week before school started, went to the bathroom. I had to throw my brand new underwear into the trash can and and commando run out into the hallway. Sophie bring me my purse. There were no tampons in there.'cause I don't need tampons. Right. You know? Right. And so she's like digging for change so I can buy a bathroom tampon, and I'm like, what fresh hell even is this? I know either than like, so I even

Britt: 26:25

tried the cup, the diva cup, right? Because you're supposed to do that. We're supposed to do that. You're supposed to do that. Lots of shoulds and supposed to even here. Great. Even um, even here. And I randomly get my period, the, the morning of the last cent show, which I never get. I always get my period after an event because I hold onto everything, right? I get it like I release after everyone else releases. Um, but this time morning of, and it's a bad one, it's a doozy. And I love bleeding by the way. Like I love free bleeding. I love, I love when the blood comes. That's who I actually am. Like, that's who I am. This sort of calm, relaxed, everything's fine. That's, that actually is my soul. But everything else is just always encircling me. I, I'm always hiding behind that. Um, but I am there and she's in there, you know, and so I bleed and it great. And then I try the diva cup that my acupuncturist, which the acupuncture does help. I will say. Yeah, it does. If you ha, if you have to pick one thing, I would do that.

Steph: 27:30

Apu I think acupuncture is great. It not saying like it's gonna cure your perimenopause symptoms, but it's, it's fantastic for a variety of reasons.

Britt: 27:37

It's, it's just, it's just the thing that settles it all and like gets your body to work for itself. She, that will get, she can give me my period.

Steph: 27:45

Yeah.

Britt: 27:45

Like if I'm like really stagnant, I'll be like, girl, please. And she'll do the points and I'll sleep and I'll bleed. So that is something. Um, but I put the Diva Cup in for the first time and I sit down to do the guest list for the show. You know, the morning of, you know, you know what an event looks like, the day of? Mm-hmm. With two kids on the house. Mm-hmm.

Steph: 28:03

Yes I do. And

Britt: 28:05

oh my God. And it's changing my outfit completely if I'm on my period.'cause I. To be my legs out, my legs are my thing. Uh, but tonight we're gonna have to change the outfit. I put in the Diva Cup and I sit down and I get up to go pee and I bleed and I can't find it. Yep. And I dig in there and I dig around and I don't, I don't fully know anatomy, which is another thing that I'd like to learn more about is like, actually what is. All of that in there because it's cool, but it's actually just the Volvo we're looking at. It's not even the vagina, right? There's a lot going on in the vagina. We have hard ons, et cetera, et cetera. Right. Anyway, I'm up in there and I'm like. Oh my God. And I tell my husband, I call urgent care, but there's only a male doctor. I'm not doing that. Mm-hmm. So I go in the bathtub and I give birth to, to your Diva Cup. My diva cup. I, mm-hmm. Straight up. I've never put my fist like I was fully fisting. I guess you can do quite a, quite a lengthy, mm-hmm. Sure. With like I, the full breath and width of my vagina was, was experience.

Steph: 29:09

And you found it, it and you delivered it. I fucking

Britt: 29:12

found it. Deliverance well takes on a new meaning. Mm-hmm. Put it directly in the trash. I'm like, I can't, I can't not be sure where something is in my body.

Steph: 29:21

No, if it needs a, like does it need a tracking device? Do you need to put your like apple air tag on your Dipa cup? Just

Britt: 29:29

like, yeah, what were, and the guy was gonna, I'm not going to urgent care for that. So anyway, I say that to say like not only is there still the period, but now it's like a different level. It's like back to the freshman period where it was so intense.'cause I have fibroids now. So that's another fun part is I didn't have those before and it's super painful.

Steph: 29:48

And that's where I'm, I'm, I'm having all of this irregular spotting and, and cramping. So of course I've convinced myself that it is some kind of terminal cancer since I'm a single mom and my kids are, I'm their parent, and that's all I got. And so that's, so I'm like, no, I'm just gonna go into my doctor. But yeah, I don't fibrate cysts, I don't, I don't know. Or is it just, this is how it ends with crazy, sporadic. You're just going to have. Inexplicable pain and bleeding. And then it, it interesting. I, you know, you're talking about having daughters who were sensitive and I love that you used the word porous.

Britt: 30:23

Mm. I have

Steph: 30:24

always referred to myself in therapy as a permeable membrane. Um, which again, like there are the gifts. Yeah. There are the gifts and the curses of that. When you go into the world unzipped. You know, empathy. Beautiful. Also really, really painful boundaries. Challenging. Mm-hmm. That poorness, you get to like soak up everything life has to offer, but also it's so painful. And so, you know, when you talked about. Like that sort of, that the puberty, as your girls get there, you're, I have always thought of this as like a second adolescence, right? Midlife is our second adolescence, but I think the experience of having daughters who are in puberty as I'm in perimenopause, and it's almost like this handing of a baton or like a high fiving on your way out. Yeah. Like it's a really rich experience when you're in a house and you've got. Two daughters and a perimenopausal mother. And you know, we would blame things on our periods. Like, oh, everything's gone to shit right now'cause mommy has PMS. Yeah. Well now here's a whole new fresh paradigm, but like, what a messy reality of all of this, like gorgeous female energy. The beginning of bleeding. The ending of bleeding. Mm-hmm. How to separate that out.

Britt: 31:39

Right, and it's just, it's also just really cool that our bodies are like. Doing this like it, it's just a physical, visceral reminder visual too, of our body being alive and working for us and keeping us healthy and cleansing. I mean, it's such a gift, right? Like I would never wanna be a man. No, but I also don't want my PMS to be blamed. Like, I don't wanna be discarded or dismissed because I'm PMSing. Yes. If I'm crying about something I've told you is a problem 20,000 times, that means it's still a problem. And it's a big one because now I can't not see it and the house is messy and it's, yes, you need to clean it'cause I can't physically move'cause I'm in pain, but like Right. Things are like, it's just, I don't want us to blame. It's like an honoring, right? There used to be the red tent or go to the river with the other women. And now it's just this man who's like, we'll just wait till you stop bleeding to like have this talk. Right? Right. And part of me is like, as the truth teller in me is like, no, this is when I'm most clear actually. Right, right now. Mm-hmm.

Steph: 32:44

That okay. That truth telling and that storytelling, and that's like, that's why I think it really is important for us to have these conversations mm-hmm. To tell these stories. And you're right, we don't want, like our, our problems or that are the things that hurt us. It doesn't all trace back to estrogen. Right. Like the source of this argument is not estrogen. No. Right? No. Like, it's just, my response

Britt: 33:07

is I can't hide my disdain anymore.

Steph: 33:10

Ah-huh. There it is. It's like, it's like it's the anti masking agent basically, right? Correct. So it's, it's not the problem, but it's going to mean that you are not able or willing to compensate for what the problem is.

Britt: 33:24

Correct. This is a problem and it's still, it's not all mine to hold. And I hold everything in the world. The whole world is in my belly. That's how I feel. And if I bleed some, I can let some other people hold it for a little while. But for the most part, you just hold, build, build, build, release, then hold, build, build, release. And you know, I look forward to, I think I've secretly desired being an older person for my whole life and rocking on the porch and being retired and talking to other women about. Everything right, because that's the freedom of not being identified as to be cared for or to care for someone else. The third opportunity is to really actually desire what you desire. Be honest about what, who you are now, right? And not, and let go of this need to sort of. Construct and control everything around you because it's a protective measure that's biological. Like, I look forward to that. I'll never forget my best, my best meeting in LA was a producer was like, girl, you need to do your kids and come back in like 20 years when you can work, when you can fucking focus and work because you're just, you want, you want everything else right now as you should. Right? And so I'm trying to, of course do it all. I mean, I start this. Conversation with, I'm doing this and this and this, but I'm exhausted. I'm the same way. I'm way, I'm

Steph: 34:45

exhausted. I'm too No, I know. I'm like, I'm trying to have two books published in one year. I've got podcasts and shows and writing workshops and, and, and this, that's the a DH ADHD in me that I, my attention is all over the place, but I also don't want it to be different because I love the creative projects I'm doing. I don't wanna give up any of those things. But when we add in. Hormones and fatigue and stress and family life and all those creative projects. I mean, you're right, likedo has a lot more potential for creative attention. Yeah. And like you said, connection with other women and yeah. You know, like you said, with your transition to motherhood, I think women who are kind of like us struggle with that because we, we aren't wired to shut off that Dr, that driven, ambitious, creative part of ourselves. Even while we're carrying children and breastfeeding children and raising children, we we're still like, no, I'm not gonna let go of that. I don't wanna let go of that. It doesn't feel natural.

Britt: 35:46

No. And I've toyed with it, not unlike, you know, the night bitch toying. Yeah. Like, maybe I should just give up art. Right. And it is, it does feel exhausting to hold everything all at once. Right. But I think now is, now the girls are a little more independent. They're seven and eight years old. Right. And as much as that's scary, I don't want them to not need me, but I'm not gonna ever tell them that. Right, right. But, but there is a scare. There's a fear of freedom too. Like, okay, I can't blame the kids for not doing it. I just didn't do it. You're right. That's so real. They're completely fine. Like, I spent three nights in Boulder after I auditioned for, listened to Your Mother. I decided to stay in Boulder for three nights in Wright. Oh, and I, by myself, I know, I mean, every woman I've, by the way, every woman I've told that to is like exactly that. I know. Just three glorious nights alone. Mm-hmm. Like they don't care what I did. No one has questions. It's just Ah, yep. Three nights alone. Imagine that. But that's what we respond to for each other. Right. So like, give ourselves that more. That's the thing that really works.'cause then it's a recentering. Like I sat in Asana. I didn't set an alarm. I didn't know what time it was. It was great. Um, but those, those are far and few between things. Yeah. And, but more and more I'm excited for the creativity and I have less and less patience for the tasks that someone else could do. And so I do think it's a, growing up, this is finally maybe just actually growing up is what I think.

Steph: 37:21

That is so beautiful. I almost feel like that is the mic drop end of this conversation, but, but like, yes, this is growing up and this is it and it can be

Britt: 37:31

beautiful like death. Yes. Like birth. It's not the way I planned. I didn't, I hate that I had an epidural, but I love drugs and I don't like pain. And what's the problem? What is the problem? Let myself off

Steph: 37:47

the hook. There is no there, like you said at the very beginning, there is no problem. What if there's just not a problem? I love this conversation because it has been so mired in the holding of opposites. It's like, allow me to not love the way my body looks and feels right now and to be mourning this inevitable march towards death and also allow me to celebrate like the bleeding and the creativity and the honoring of my. Rhythms and the fact that like I love myself more every single year. Like I like myself more every single year. Exactly. This is great. I would, you could not pay me to go back to real adolescence.

Britt: 38:24

Hell no. Mm-hmm. No, we're not going back. Those people are sad. That loved college the most. I'm sorry.

Steph: 38:30

Let's not, I'm not that person. Well, I enjoyed the experience and what I loved about it was living with my friends. Yeah, always being surrounded by my people. I was not comfortable in my skin. Then I don't wanna go back and be 19-year-old Stephanie again.

Britt: 38:44

No. Mm-hmm. I did a lot of things for other people, a lot of things that didn't feel right and that's maybe a personality thing, maybe not, but I don't do that as much. I still do, but not as much. It's lessening. Well,

Steph: 38:55

I think the, I think the older we get one of those gifts is we start to notice the things that we did that maybe we didn't sign up for. Or maybe we did, but we changed our minds and we don't have to do it that way anymore.

Britt: 39:07

Right. And I think my therapist said something, therapy's not so great if it's God. Oh, every week. Every week. Take breaks. Take breaks though Sometimes, but you'll know when the break is required. But she said, I think. That these are changes, not problem. Mm. And so I give us that, right? It's like maybe it's just change. And change is the only constant and here we are and our bodies are living proof of that. And in a world where people wanna stay young forever and go backwards as if that's even a possibility. Like an anti-aging cream doesn't exist. Right? That's impossible. But here we are being sold this like basis or even going backwards and we're just marching forward and showing you that right? That's uncomfortable for a lot of people. It is uncomfortable, but that's not my problem. No, no it's not. Not my problem, not mine. That's easier to say now. I would've held that, all of that before.

Steph: 40:07

It is easier to say now and, and, and to do and to believe.

Britt: 40:12

Correct.

Steph: 40:13

Yeah. Yeah. I I, I have loved this conversation. Me too.

Britt: 40:18

I love, I love talking with you. You're amazing. Um, I'm inspired by you also.

Steph: 40:24

Likewise. Well,

Britt: 40:25

thank you. Yeah. And I see you, I see all you're doing and all you're not doing, which is something else to celebrate.

Steph: 40:31

You can find All the places where you can find Britt in the show notes the Unsent Show. Follow her everywhere. Read her beautiful writing. You need to know Britt and her work if you, if you don't already. And thank you for this gorgeous conversation.

Britt: 40:44

Thank you, hun. It's good to see you. Good to be with you. I'll see you soon.