The Portal of Midlife: Putting the "Pause" in Perimenopause

Show Notes:

• Special guest: Dr. Breanne Hinz, my go-to chiropractor and all-around holistic health guru. She’s all about treating the whole person—body, mind, and spirit.
• The "portal" of midlife—Dr. Bre and I share what this means to us, and how this transitional stage of life is a powerful opportunity for transformation and renewal. 
• We talk about the importance of pausing— it's almost like perimenoPAUSE is giving us an instruction we so frequently miss. Midlife is the perfect time to stop and start listening to your body.
• We dive into guilt, especially the kind that comes with resting, doing things for yourself, or fixating on what you are and aren't "supposed to do." 
• Dr. Bre shares her thoughts on breaking old patterns, letting go of people-pleasing, and learning to trust your own intuition (even when it feels uncomfortable).
• Cycles, rest, and self-compassion are key—not just for women, but for everyone trying to find more ease in life.
• We share our favorite rituals: journaling, meditation, salt baths, and the magic of just sitting still and noticing what’s going on inside.
• Join The Pause: A Creative Portal for Midlife Women. This is a 60-minute virtual writing circle on January 15th at 6:30 pm MST/ 8:30 pm EST. Learn more here. 
• Are you a midlife woman who writes, looking for a supportive, nourishing community to nurture both your spirit and your writing practice? Join MidCircle—details here. 

Dr. Breanne Hinz aka “Dr. Bre” is a founder and lead chiropractor at Aligned Chiropractic and Performance Center, based in Arvada CO, where she practices with her husband, who is also a chiropractor. She’s specializes in nervous system regulation and treating whole families, and is certified in pediatric (and adult) craniosacral therapy.  When not treating patients she enjoys yoga, being outdoors, and playing with her kids. She also has an in depth meditation practice and sees life from a growth mindset. 

Follow Steph on IG @stephsprenger, and on Substack at The Reclamation Era.

Transcript

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I Midlife, A DHD can be scary. But it doesn't have to be. Here on paranormal, we are demystifying neurodivergence and perimenopause. Plus, with candid conversations and advice from experts, join me for a no holds barred exploration of what it means to be neurodivergent at midlife. Let's redefine normal together. I'm Steph Springer, and this is paranormal. Happy New Year. I had a podcast hiatus over break, which was lovely, and I'm excited to finish out a season of the Paranormal Podcast with a handful of dynamic guests and important conversations about midlife hormones, A DHD, perimenopause and more. My first conversation of the new year is actually with my chiropractor, but to me she is so much more than that. Every time I go in for a treatment, we have the juiciest conversations. She is such a holistic practitioner and is so inspired to really treat whole people body, mind, and spirit, which I love, and I love her thoughts on this stage of a woman's life. In today's episode, Dr. Bree and I are not talking about chiropractic adjustments or supplements or exercises or balancing your hormones. This is not, uh, an eat this, do that. Don't ever do that conversation. It is a real beautiful down to earth discussion about listening to our bodies, breaking patterns, and what happens when you move into a stage of life where you are no longer willing to sacrifice yourself to systems that were not built for you, you know, pretty much my favorite thing to talk about. So, without further ado, let me introduce my beloved Dr. B Bri. Dr. Brene Hints AKA. Dr. Bree is a founder and lead chiropractor at Aligned Chiropractic and Performance Center based in Nevada, Colorado, where she practices with her husband, who is also a chiropractor. She specializes in nervous system regulation and treating whole families, and is certified in pediatric and adult craniosacral therapy. When not treating patients, she enjoys yoga, being outdoors and playing with her kids. She also has an in-depth meditation practice and sees life from a growth mindset. So enjoy our conversation today about intuition, listening to your body, um, and putting the pause back into perimenopause. one of the reasons that I wanted to have you as a podcast guest is because of the impact you've had on my health, physical and emotional in this stage of my life, which is, it's perimenopause, it's, a newer midlife, A DHD diagnosis. It's, the same old aches and pains. It's stress. It's, saw us all through the divorce. I mean you, so I always come to Dr. Bree. I just know when it's time to go to Dr. Bree and it's the holistic experience. Like yes, you give me an adjustment, but it's just, it's just different. And she's taught me so much about health. Mm-hmm. And I think she has so much to teach, all of us, especially midlife women.'cause we are in this. Like portal, aren't we? Yes. And I think it's, um, I think a lot of doctors, chiropractors especially maybe see that in their practices. Like you pull in the patients in the stage of life that you're in, like it's just Yes. Yeah. Right. It's just, yes. It's just how it goes. So we, um, which is. I think an amazing experience because of how much I learn and then how much I get to share, um, within that community. Um, so yeah. I'm glad, I'm glad that you're one of my patients, Stephanie. I'm just really thankful for that. First of all, just to talk about like your work. Mm-hmm. You're different than most chiropractors, and I'm trying to find the right way to describe that. And you might be able to describe it. I mean, I used the word holistic already, but your approach to treatment is different and I suspect that's why you are appealing to patients like me. Mm. Yeah. So I, that can be a little hard to describe I think. But, one of the things I found in my own life that I've transferred to practice is this. Illusion of separation between what is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Like the, the yep. Patterns that we have go on and all those things. So that's what I find so fun treating people is when we do unravel some of those physical patterns, how it impacts the emotional patterns behind it, how it's impacting your mental state and um, like I can't speak to other people's spiritual experiences, but I know with my own, like as that grows. All the other parts grow too. So I feel really grateful that I get to have any impact on people's lives in that matter, even if I'm only touching on the physical part of it. Um, just seeing the responses throughout the whole system is one of favorite parts. So. I think one of the things I like about midlife for, for many of us, and not for everyone in the entire world, and it might be like maybe a little bit more of a certain type of person, a little wooey, a little what? Crunchy, I don't know. But when you realize like, oh, the things that are happening in my body are not an accident, you know? Exactly. Like this is not a coincidence. It's not just like, oh, I'm a secretary, so I have repetitive motion injuries. It's not that you are like, you can't outrun your body. No, I mean, the book, like the Body keeps the score. My, my oldest and I, we say it like a, like, it's a joke. Even though it's not a joke. We'll be like, uh, body keeps the score. But like It does, it does it so does, it's amazing to see where those patterns come from and, and how they affect, um, it's not simple, right? Mm-hmm. Um, and that's okay. Like we're allowed to be complex. We're we're allowed to be human. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, but I think. I think one of the things I'm finding is not to be so insulated in my experience, right? Because we're not on this earth alone. Like there's other people here and we're allowed to reach out for help with these things and discover it together, um, right. Yeah, it must be interesting when you see, I mean, I'm sure you see people who have lots of patterns and I mean, I'm like, hi, it's Groundhogs Day, me again. My neck is a disaster and my hips are like, um, you see, and, you're such a compassionate person that I, I wonder if it must be hard to see people like kind of stuck in their ruts. And I, I think many of us have a hard time acknowledging. Are ruts that are unique to maybe our particular system. Yeah, I think we get. A little bit stuck in patterns of hope sometimes where we're not really looking at the reality of a situation. Ooh. So we, um, if you don't look at the reality of it and just see it for what it is, it's gonna stay there. Right? Like, okay. Mm-hmm. Can we acknowledge this so we can like, move through it instead of, instead of just being like. It'll get better somehow. Right. Or like the spiritual bypassing of it. Yeah. Like, I'm not gonna acknowledge what's right in front of my face, but if I just envision, like, and I'm not saying like visualization is so powerful. Yeah. But you can't, the bypassing is, is skipping that step of like, what am I not willing to see? Yes. And I think that's a big thing, and I think that's a midlife thing. Like, oh, it might be time to see the things that I have been unwilling to see until now. And I feel like perimenopause gets a bad rap because of that, because it's such, um, an upheaval of your life and how you've been living it, but it's showing you what doesn't work for you any longer. Oh my gosh. Yes. It, it, it is. Okay. It is, I think, I think of it's like this portal that is showing you this does not work. You. Yes. So we, we were on a family therapy zoom call this morning and our family therapist was talking about the teenage brain. And, um, she was talking about pruning. She was like, everything you're going through is so normal. All the big feelings. Everything being so intense, this urgency, like your brain is pruning these old childhood neural pathways that aren't working and, and you are preparing for your adult brain, like you're in a transition. And I am. And she then she started talking about estrogen and I imagine my. Self and my 14-year-old, like high fiving in the estrogen cosmos, like, I'm like, here, take mine. It's, and she is like, do you know what I mean? It's like a relay race handing the baton. Mm-hmm. And it's, but I think like, okay, if adolescence is, this portal is like shedding things and building things, we don't think about perimenopause as being useful in that sense. That it's like, this doesn't work. Leave it behind. Yes. Like it's. It's showing you where you need to make those changes so you can come back into alignment with yourself. Um, so it's such a beautiful framing of it. I, I have, I have issues with getting stuck on labels of things. Mm-hmm. Because I don't wanna get labeled as perimenopausal. I don't know. I'm 39. I wouldn't even say, I don't know if I have any solid symptoms. I know some, some of the endocrinologists that I've talked to would be like, oh yeah, you definitely are. Like, Hey, 35 year olds, you are, but you, like I, when I was 39, I did not feel like perimenopause has started. I mean, there are a lot of people who were still having babies. Yeah. Yes. So, um, yes. Perimenopause, not midlife, not, I mean, yes, the labels, but like, I don't care for the label'cause I don't wanna get. Stuck in that mindset of like, oh, this is gonna be so hard, like this is gonna be rough. Like, where can I find ease with it? Right? Like, what is it showing me on what changes I need to make? Like, yeah, maybe I do need to rest more. And I definitely have found that like in my own life, like, and giving yourself permission to do that without guilt is the only way you're gonna get the rest and it be effective for you. So. Right. And the guilt. Okay. You're saying so many amazing things. I'm like putting a pin in that on the guilt for a minute. Um, when, uh, when I was on the Mother Plus podcast, one of our mottos was feel the guilt and Do it anyway. Yeah. And I'm like, would love to just get to the, not feel the guilt part. Like can we skip the middleman? Because I think that when we do things like rest or play, and if we're feeling guilty, like yes, it's still do it. Don't let it stop you, but like. That's like driving with your brakes on, isn't it like? The resistance is, yes, it causes so much friction. And that's where we get all those. I mean, you could take that even back to chiropractic work and in the body, like your, your body's gonna feel that friction, like it causes disruption in your whole system. So now we're creating these patterns of tension. Right. And so if we have patterns of tension around like every time we leave the kids at home to go to a yoga class mm-hmm. Again, with the neural pathways, right. Like we're repeating this like every time I go to the, uh, the hot springs with my best friend, I'm gonna feel bad about it. Yeah. Like what? I don't wanna practice that. No. No. Like how can you rewire that? How can we rewire that? Mm-hmm. Right. And then like the other thing that you said that I put a pin in is finding ease in this stage. Like rather than it being like, I have this label that's basically like a list of my obstacles, it's like a good luck with this list. Yeah. But how can instead we find a place of ease. Yeah. And, and pair that with the lack of guilt about Yeah. Pursuing the ease. Yeah. And honestly, like, I think you could take it a step further and be like, where's the gift in this? Um, yeah. Because I think one of those gifts would be like, oh my gosh, I had to work to find a way to do this. Guilt free. That's a huge gift once you Yes. Like change that pattern, right? So. Mm-hmm. Um, so like each step of it, I'm like. Okay, where can we find the ease, but also like what benefit is this bringing to my life? Because now I have a life that I rest more. Like now I have a life that when I have energy, I'm allowed to just go with that flow and get so much stuff done. Um, so. Why do we not respect those rhythms and those cycles? And I feel like when I've, I've spoken with, you know, healthcare people or therapists or, or even even business coaches who talk about womanhood as being so cyclical, right? Like our menstrual cycles, our life cycle from, you know, menopause. All of it is cyclical. And yet we seem to think that we need to put ourselves at a speed that's about 8.5 and we just stay there. We don't cycle. We don't stop. So we're punishing ourselves for not being able to fit into a system that was not set up for that. Correct. Yeah.'cause it's not, and once you realize the reality of the situation, I think you get to step outside of it and build your own pattern. Like of, of course I'm not gonna fit into this patriarchal system that's set up. Like I have to step out of that and see where I can build my own way to flow through life. Yes, that's exactly it. And getting the guilt out of the way, because I think a lot of us are like, okay, okay. Like logically or even intuitively, I know this was not built for me, it's not working for me. It's hurting me. I need to do something different, but I feel bad about it because of all of the people who tell me that I don't know how to work hard or I should get a real job. Or, um, I'm lazy, or I'm a special snowflake, like Right. And yeah. But I think it's like, ooh, they just told you all their patterns. Oh, like they just, they just spillt their own tea. Like, like that's your stuff. That's not mine anymore. Right. Um, but it is, it's hard.'cause there is, I think, a lot of friction in that transition of stepping away from those patterns.'cause the other aspect is like, there's stuff you have to leave behind. Like, you, you can't. Have people stuck in that system be comfortable in yours? Sometimes when you're stepping out of it, and that's where I get a lot of resistance sometimes is like, oh, there's, there is stuff you have to sacrifice in order to be in your own flow. Right. What do you think, what do you think those things are? What do you have to, oh, there's so many, right? I think. I don't, I don't think you necessarily need to leave people behind unless they're not able to grow, um mm-hmm. Like into your changes. Right. That's big though. Exactly. Yes it is. So I think what I have to sacrifice is. Not speaking my truth. Like I can't be, I can't not say the things that I need to change. I can't be, I can't, I have to leave behind dishonesty in order Yes. To do that. Yes. So, ah, this is one of those synchronicities where I, I'm like, I think I've had this conversation three times in the last 24 hours because this is, this is the thing, oh, I've got all my goosebumps, my little spidey senses going off. It is that, like I've described it as. Um, like I'm allergic to performing. Mm. I am no longer able to be in a situation that feels uncomfortable and not acknowledge it. And I'm not saying I can't be uncomfortable. I do hard things every day, all the time, but it's like when you feel that, eh, yes. I can't not acknowledge it anymore because it feels like self abandonment when I do. Yes. Yes, exactly. And it's like, okay, so you have to, I think what we're learning is to drop the masks and the people that are so comfortable with you being in those masks are the ones that give you the most traction, like friction with it.'cause they want you to keep, they benefited from your performance. Yes. Like they, they have to grow with you to mm-hmm. Um, because yeah. Is every time you, every time I self a abandon, I take sex. It's, it's. N immediately noticeable in how I flow through life. Right. It gets really hard. See also the divorce epidemic. No, just kidding. But I mean, but I do think that when you get to this moment and it's like, I can't do that anymore. Are you along for this ride or not? Like you said, you don't have to just like, it's not like cleaning out your closet and you just dump everyone from your past. I mean, no. When I was growing, when I was a, you know, young adult, I felt like I would, I'd move, I'd compartmentalize everything. College is over it. That's in a box. I've moved here, this is the new thing. And I like, I really was deeply uncomfortable about that and it wasn't until, you know, lots of therapy later that I'm like. What was up with that? Like I don't wanna just be like, oh, it's a new face, so I'm just getting rid of all my friends. And there is a time sometimes when there is a person that you're like this, you have to trust your gut. Yeah. Whether it's a person or maybe it's a job, or maybe it's a place you, it could be anything, but to really get honest with yourself. So, yeah. Okay, so goodbye to dishonesty. Yep. That's no longer in the rotation. Yeah. Nope. Self abandonment. We can't do that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, but it, it is interesting to see how uncomfortable things can get in old, in old situations when you change mm-hmm. Your actions in them. Mm-hmm. But also how much energy it opens up as you like, step into that own flow. Think the dishonesty and the, and the self betrayal are kind of two huge patterns. Those Yeah. The mm-hmm. And like absolutely terrible for us, and yet nearly universal for girls and women. Yeah. I mean, I think about raising my teenage daughters and the things that I. Like I can't prevent them from making every single mistake that I made, but I also see a foundation that, for them, that is built more on authenticity and knowing themselves and honoring themselves and recognizing when something is a no and when something is a yes. Like if I could give them one gift, it's that. It's like, trust yourself. Yeah, absolutely. I didn't start doing any internal work until after I had kids. Mm-hmm. Uh, I had a bit of a wake up call and was like, oh, how am I living my life? This is not, this is not working for me. Mm-hmm. Um, so that's, I, it was a couple years ago, I really started doing like a lot of internal work, but I've loved seeing like, like you feel so bad for the patterns that get instilled in your children or like, I'm so sorry. Like, I know that came from a wounded place, like, we're gonna have to work through this, but left like. I feel blessed that I'm doing that work on myself now, so I get to see the benefits of it, like in my kids. Yeah. It's like paying it forward, honestly. Yes. Yeah. You know? Well, yeah, and it's fun'cause every stage with having those kiddos like. I feel like it's a, it's an opportunity to reparent in a way that you want to, for them, but also for your own inner child. Like you are breaking patterns all over the place when you're staying, like present and aware of, of what you're doing. Yes. It's, I think disrupting the patterns. I think that's the thing and, and if you're going to disrupt a pattern, you don't do it accidentally. It is an intentional swimming against the current kind of a thing. Which is such a paradox.'cause the more work you do, the more you realize like. You don't have to swim. It's not a current, you're like, you're not gonna be swimming against a current. Right. Like you, once you like just allow things to flow in the inner stuff to come out. It's like, oh, that was actually like, as soon as I let go, it was really easy. Like to, let's, yes. It's like you, you like gear up for the, and then it's like, oh wait, this is actually flowing. Yes. I don't have to swim at all. It's like the things we. Think Yes. That we're, that are gonna be this struggle. It's like, that's the joke, right? Like once you, once you say, I'm not doing it this way anymore, then you get the gift of being like, your life is gonna flow better. Yes. And it's, yeah. So beautiful. And, and yeah. So I think that goes back to the whole perimenopausal thing and, and labels and me not wanting mm-hmm. Friction with them. I'm like mm-hmm. How do we flow more, Stephanie? Right. And I mean, and that's like, I think that's the question that everyone wants the answer to. Mm-hmm. And, and I think frequently it has to do with getting really, really honest with ourselves. Yeah. You know, I, I think it is like really truly taking an inventory and, and not, and learning to identify which is the voice that tells me what I'm supposed to be doing and what's my real voice. And I think so many of us have. Like, I think in order to function in this patriarchal hustle, culture grind, you know, we have had to abandon our intuition. Hmm. We have had to turn it off our own inner knowing, um, choosing what feels good, because that's just not the way life works. It's supposed to be hard, and I think that's something we all got really wrong. Yes, I agree. And that it's. It's funny as you start to step out of it, like you're saying, like the relationships with certain people that are just not willing to let go of that. It has to be hard. Like you're not working hard enough. I hear my dad's voice in my head, right? We all have that voice in our head that's like, who do you think you are? Yeah. You think you should have what work schedule. Yeah. You think you should enjoy your work? Yeah. It was so funny. He came in the other day and he was like, oh, you're here on time. You weren't early. Like, that's not good enough. And I was like, dad, you're never gonna get anywhere with that conversation. Just come on back and get treated. Right. You're wasting my time. Mm-hmm. So, okay, when we talk about, um. When we talk about perimenopause, whether it's a, a label or not, whether when, when we talk about our hormonal shifts at this stage of life, which are frequently paired with a lot of responsibilities mm-hmm. A lot of us are caregivers. Mm-hmm. Either for children or even aging parents, or the old sandwich generation of both. So if we're at a stage when there are shifts happening in our body and we're looking for that ease. Mm-hmm. What do we do? Where do we go? I read this article that was about, it was basically like the 15 things. Harvard says, these, these micro habits are the things that are terrible. You know, we all know. Not Getting enough. Sleep is bad and, and not exercising is bad, but it's these things, and they were things like starting and ending the day with your phone, not drinking water till you're thirsty. Um, letting micro stressors pile up. Like these little things, right. These little habits, like sitting for more than six hours if they're, because I think so many of us, we like, want that formula, but then it's also like, wait, I have to do what? I'm not supposed to eat this. Yeah. Like, right. Like we're like. What are some little places where we can tune into our bodies and live in a more So for me, I don't know if you're gonna like this answer. I, I know I'm, I'm prepared. I think it's, it's not judging yourself for what you're doing. Wow. Like maybe there's nothing to fix. Stop. I think, I think that's the most unhealthy. Part of it is when you are in your head all the time, I have to do it this way. I need this, I need this. This is what's gonna fix this problem. And just stepping back from that and be like, why am I judging myself so harshly and trying to be perfect when there's nothing wrong, inherently wrong with me? That is just, you're not the first person who has said those words to me before. What if there was nothing to fix? Um. But it's just we feel like we need to fix everything. Yeah. If we don't have a problem in front of us, we'll create one so that we can solve it. Yeah. We'll make a to-do list and set our goals and make a New Year's resolution. And all of that has this undercurrent of you're not doing this right. Yeah. It's also a coping mechanism, so you don't have to sit with yourself. Right, like if I'm busy enough, if I have a problem to solve, I don't have to be in my body. I don't have to feel my feelings in the moment, like I've now given myself something to do, so I have a distraction from that. Totally. So I think pairing that with like stopping judging yourself for that. Like, okay, I just realized the reality of the situation is I am holding a lot of judgment against myself and I'm not letting myself sit in my body and giving, like needing to have coping mechanisms. So I think all of those things are coping mechanisms and if you can, if you can realize why you need it and dig down and be like. Oh, I'm trying to avoid this pattern or this memory or whatever, or just sitting inside of yourself. Embodiment should be like the easiest thing ever. But it's really hard. It's uncomfortable living in a human body. Like there can be a lot of discomfort with it. But, um, but yeah, I think the whole thing comes back to staying present and staying aware in the moment like you're projecting. Into the future with all those problems needing to fix instead of sitting in the moment. And as soon as you get in that space, like that's where there's no problem. So if there's no problem, there's no friction about it, you don't, you're gonna flow instead of railing against. Yeah. Swimming up. Yeah, I think. This just dawned on me like last week. I think perimenopause, menopause, the word pause. P how could we come back to like, it's literally right there. Yes. It's like the rules, it's, it's there like it's in the word pause. Yeah. Like we need to put the P, like maybe that's the gift of this era of our lives is finding the pause. Yeah. Totally like have we missed the point here? This like, this may or may not be about adjusting your diet or putting on an estrogen patch or you know, eating more protein. What if the real thing to focus on is that this is your opportunity to pause. Yeah. Yeah. A couple months ago, I set that. I'm like, I'm an overachiever. I've set my word for 2026. It's October. I am ahead of the game. And the word was pause. And I didn't even think about it in the context of like hormones, like menopause. Hmm. It was just like. The things that I, and I have so much compassion for my, like August self September, me doing her best, I was like, it's time to throw everything at the wall career. I'm just, I mean, I ran myself into the ground, like I bit off more than I could chew. I like grossly overestimated my capacity. Mm-hmm. And by the time I realized it, um. I had to follow through with the things that were already in motion, you know? Yeah. And I was like, okay. Just sitting. I'm not beating myself up about it. Yeah. But what I'm learning for next time is before I decide, but I have so many ideas. This is an A DHD brain thing. I'm an idea machine. I, I wanna do it all. Yes. When I have the idea. Then I pause and I sit for a while. And so that's why I decided to make that my, my word for the new year. Like remember to pause. But I think about it in so many other, um, there's so many other applications of it. And like in perimenopause, like this isn't an invitation to like the first thing you said, pause and evaluate. Like what's not working, what needs to be released. Yeah. And we're not gonna notice, we're not gonna notice what we're maybe avoiding with coping skills if we're not pausing and sitting in the silence of what's really going on. Exactly. I think that's so brilliant how you pair, like, I never thought of how it Right the word po. I was like, oh, yes. That's such a good insight. Um, no, we need to return to the pause. Yes. We need to return to the pause. This isn't necessarily about bleeding or hormone levels. Mm-hmm. It's like this is an invitation. Like it, it it is, it's the portal and, and you should step through it. Yeah. Because you will feel better when you take the time to pause and, and really do that inventory. But you're right. If we had, like, if we had like terrible eating and sleeping and exercising habits or like substance abuse and we paused and first. Got curious about why those things were happening. Like what's the wound here that we're ignoring? Yes. Why do I need so much distraction? Like why, why do I have these patterns in place that are not in my best interest? Uh, and just, yeah, sit with it, which is darn uncomfortable at first. Yeah, because you, you realize like, oh shit, I said yes to a bunch of stuff I should have said no to. Mm-hmm. And who wants to acknowledge that? So again, it's like maybe if I stay busy enough and I, and I keep following the other system that wasn't built for me, but it's what everyone else is doing. So I'll do it too. Then maybe I won't notice. Maybe I can just like. Trick myself. Yeah. The blinders. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And then that creates friction in the system. There's where you get your dis disease and now you have a disease, right? Or you're, you're like coming in to get an adjustment for the exact same thing. Because you're still something that I've learned to do only in the last few months. I'm 47 years old. I sometimes when I'm sitting, I just stop what I'm doing and I notice where I'm holding tension and I'm like, even when I'm doing not stressful things, it's like parts of me are just, and it's like I wonder how long I've been doing that. Mm. 47 years. Yeah. When did that start? And. I get like to go, but like, where's the gift in that?'cause it's like, okay, this is teaching me how to let go.'cause that's one of the things about neck pain, Stephanie, is it's like you want everything to go like such a certain way, right? Like you're not willing to have flex some flexibility in certain things. Mm-hmm. And that I think, can show sometimes a lack of trust in. In yourself or a lack of trust in like the universe or God, whatever. Yeah. Am I safe? Yes. Yeah, exactly. Like, ha, okay, I'll move like this so I can have that sense of safety, right? If I'm always bracing myself. Mm, yes. Um, one of the huge patterns I just unraveled, um, with my mentor like a week or two ago was, uh. That I had linked this sense, like I linked needing, um, acceptance with safety, like I think quite a few people do, because it's like tribal almost, right? Yes. You not accept, you get kicked out of the tribe. And it's like upgrading that pattern to be like, even if I'm not accepted in this area of society or whatever, like even if I'm not accept, like even if people in my life don't accept me for the changes I'm making, like. I've built such a sense of safety within myself. Like that's okay. That's okay. Yes. Like if they don't accept me,'cause I accept myself and I know that I will find a community in which I am accepted. It is just like, I've built it internally first anyways. So. Yes. And I think that's what so many of us are working on or undoing because I think, and I mean, God, it's like my, my poor Speaking of people who are tired of the same patterns, uh, shout out to my therapist. Um, no, we're getting somewhere man. But there was this period of time when it was like, um. I realized how deeply my sense of safety was connected to being chosen by a person, a life partner. It, it's like to be chosen is the opposite of to be abandoned, right? It, it's to, to belong means safety and. As an undiagnosed neurodivergent little girl who, speaking of embodiment, um, I did not do that. I lived up here in my brain. Um, I was not in touch with my body. Like I have had pain in my body since I was a young teenager. Like this is, this is, and it's not debilitating, right? But it's like, I don't believe I spent the majority of my life in my body. And I think like many girls and women, I was just ruled by so much unconscious, like, I need to be approved of, or I'm going to be excommunicated. Yes. So it's the people pleasing. It's the nice girl. It's don't rock the boat. It's the cool girl. It's be easy, be easy for everyone. And meanwhile, you're not in your own body. You know, it's like, yes. Um, things are activated that don't need to be, and things that should be activated aren't. Mm-hmm. You know, and it's like, yeah. And then your, so now your hormones are not in flow.'cause Yeah. So it's all conne. Like, it's all the same thing. You were talking about like in childhood and the patterns and those masks that you build and the people pleasing you do, and that's all self abandonment and it's like, yeah, as soon as you start to take your power back and you're more in your own flow and it's like, I don't, I don't need your acceptance when when it's not a healthy pattern anyways, like, like why do I need you to accept me? Like I just Right. You accept me and as soon as you Yeah, take that back, it's like, okay, things are flowing again. Absolutely. It feels so different and it, and it's so. It's like, I mean, I had like a big before and after of like giant life crisis, right? Mm-hmm. And things were very blurry. Things were very trauma and survival mode around that. And so it's like, slowly over time, I have found my way back to myself. I have put these pieces together. I have learned what happens when I truly become my own compass, my own lighthouse. And that other people's approval really is irrelevant, and that is brand new to me. And, and I think if that's something that we can do, like help be that, that wayfinder for women who are younger than 47, you know, or 39 Yes. And our children. And it's just like, um, this is, this is an ancient art that used to be essential. Yeah, well we used to have, um, like rites of passage, right? And it's such like we don't have that. Like I, I feel like issues with perimenopause and menopause start as a girl because there's so many issues with like the menstrual cycle itself. Like we don't talk about it as openly as we should. I don't think they're led through it quite as maybe in a. Non wounded way, like there's so, mm-hmm. There's shame built around it inherently with the system. So I think the more we can guide that younger generation through it with ease, they can have ease later on too with it.'cause I don't know about you, but like cramps early on where horrendous. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Horrendous. And that's something like, as I woke up and took more awareness and accountability in my life, like, um, it's. It's something that actually healed with me. Like I stopped having any current, like menstrual pain at all, as I like, felt more ease inside me. So I am, I'm interested how, how much more we can expand that. Like does there need to be pain with this or Right. Right. Um, no. I remember vividly like those first few cycles. It was like, not a whole, but I remember the first time it was huge for me and I was terrified. It was terrifying. Scary. Yeah. Um. And we don't really talk about that. Um, we don't talk about that. My, I have hope when I look at my, my 14-year-old, I mean, she was like, last year, she's 13, she's in eighth grade. She's like telling her boyfriend, she has her period. She's like, hang on, I need to go get a tampon. I'm like, I love that. You were just, she like, there's no shame or embarrassment. It's just like, have my period. Oh my God. There was one day when her, her science teacher was like, why do you need to go to the bathroom? I'm like, mm, sir. I wouldn't ask that question of anyone. And she was like, I bled all over my chair. He was like, okay. And I'm just like, you were such a force. I would rather have died. Oh, totally out loud. When I was. You know, good for her way to go, mama, by the way. Good job. Thank you. No, man, I'm, I'm throwing my all at raising these girls to be like in their bodies, in touch with what they want. Don't give yourself away. So, good consent is a revolving door. I mean, there are things that they hear me say over and over and over. Yes. Never send naked pictures of your body to anyone ever. I don't care. So like, it's okay. You're becoming a, a more healthy inner voice for them. Right. Just so, so good. Yeah. I think we're all trying, and I, I do think things, I don't know. I see, I see a shift. I see women. Increasingly being unwilling to subscribe to systems that don't work. Yeah. Unwilling to abandon how they feel in their bodies. Yeah. Um, I see women choosing work schedules that are not oppressive. Love that. These are shifts. Yes. And, and, but I think there's some guilt to overcome because I think so many of us grew up with this archetype of mother as martyr, and so we hear the word selfish in our heads when we want to choose something different. Yep. And there's the friction. Mm-hmm. Mother wounds, father wounds. I did wanna ask you, you've said portal a couple times, and I did listen to a couple of your earlier podcasts, which are brilliant by the way. Um, definitely loving that. But I wanted, I have a, I have a, I. A new version of what a portal is to me. But I wanted to hear first what you mean, like when you say portal, like what is that to you? What are you describing? Oh, I'm so excited to hear what you say. I think of it as a space that's like a very small in between, that's a passage where it's a passage to transformation. Mm-hmm. It's an ushering. Well, and I don't think of it as like a rigid thing. Like I think of it as fluid, right? I think of a portal as being something that guides us into a different state. Mm. And maybe it's a state of creative flow. Or maybe it's a different state of our lives where now we are really embracing our power. Yeah. So I think of it as this like temporary little transitional place, almost like a cocoon, but then we move into something that's different. Yeah. Tell me your, tell me your vision. Okay. My vision of pro, I'm gonna try and explain it. This is, like I said, this is new to me. Like I just came to this. Understanding of it in a different way, like a couple weeks ago. So I haven't really explained it out loud to anybody yet. Um, but to me, a portal, it's like this, this little opening, right, where you get the opportunity to choose new thought patterns, which link into your belief system. So it's like almost you can flow into this upgrade of like. The neural pathways between what your beliefs are and what your thoughts are, because all your thoughts are stemming from those beliefs that you have, like down in the subconscious, right? Mm-hmm. So as you step through like this portal, you have this. Chance to step into these new thought patterns. So it's actually like a neural rewiring of the thoughts that are like trained into your brain, which paired with the beliefs meet in that middle to create new actions. I love this. So that's what a portal is to me, is like combining like these new neural pathways between the beliefs that you have with your values to create new action, which creates new flow in your life. That will be a mic drop Instagram reel, just saying, um, I love that and. I think you used the word upgrade. I was thinking like you get to level up, like this is your opportunity to level up, but it's, it's things coming into alignment. Yes, and it is. It's like oof. Just so many goosebumps that neuroplasticity that like, we can build new neural pathways. Yes, we can rewire things. I think we're so limited by our beliefs about our own capacity and our own worth. Yes. And it's such a radical thing to do and, and I think to me, like my post divorce life where I'm in my little bubble with my beautiful, beloved daughters, and we have the freedom to go, okay, it's safe to believe that I have everything I need. I'm enough, and it's safe to believe that I deserve. Ease. I deserve peace, I deserve happiness. And I think sometimes when people have these big midlife changes, it's because they're looking for a place where they can be safe enough to enter into the portal because it's very unpopular to have those crazy beliefs about deserving something different or this wasn't built for me. Like you have to have a sense of safety. In order to really reflect on those beliefs that you have, that you probably didn't notice that you had. Yes. Which, um, and ignoring them, ignoring that and pushing those beliefs down that you knew was possible for you is what created all that friction and all that pain. Right. And there's a part of you that knew all along that you were doing it and you were just like, well, shit. Yeah. And I guess this is, I think that's what's important about perimenopause is that you aren't, you don't get to push it down anymore. Nope, you're not allowed. It's, it's here. You have to pause. Have to pause and consider whether you'd like to enter the portal. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And how much resistance you're, I mean, I am, I mean, you're gonna be in it regardless, but how long are you gonna be in it, and how much friction are you gonna have with it? And how much pain and suffering are you creating by not allowing, surrendering the changes, surrendering to the changes that need to happen. Mm-hmm. I think of it as just like. Like lying back onto a river that's flowing and just letting everything soften into that flow. Yeah, there's nothing to fix here. There's nothing to fix here. You're not gonna tell us that we It's chia seeds. That was the, it's not chi seeds. Sorry, I didn't have that. It's chia seeds and tree poses. Those are the two, no, those are not the portals. I don't have a list for you of like micro habits to No. To get into. But this is the good stuff though, because that's what we want. We want the quick fix that tells us, drink this, don't drink that, eat this, don't eat that. But really all it is is like, sit. With yourself. Mm-hmm. And it's those moments that I've discovered when I'm like, whoa, look what I'm doing with my ba, what's happening here? Yes. And and it's like, I just think it's like, I didn't even ever stop. I didn't pause, I didn't check in with myself. Yes. We're so unconscious so much of the time. Don't worry. Life built a pause in it for you. It did and it gave you a not very subtle title and you ignored it. So my favorite thing that I do for myself right now. Is I have this magical hour, so I drop my youngest off at high school at like 7 45. And I come home and I don't ever have anything scheduled till nine o'clock. I have this hour, and when it was summer and fall, I would sit in my hammock chair in the back and I get that beautiful east sun and I face the east and, and it's just beautiful. And I'm like, oh God, winter's coming. It's just, I'm not gonna be able to do this. This is awful. And I was like. Oh no, I'm so, I, I don't care how cold it is. I sit there, I wear a bathrobe and a hat and my gloves, and I bring my coffee and I have my outdoor quilt, and I sit. For at least half an hour, but sometimes an entire hour. Mm. And I do this intense meditation session where I let myself focus on one specific sensation for the length of three breaths. And maybe it's, I'm listening to the morning dove, and then, oh, I'm feeling how cold my cheeks are. I'm feeling the weight of my dog on my lap. Um, I like, I open my eyes. I mean, talk about a portal and I am like. It is such a gift, and I'm like, this is one hour out of my day. And then I try to give myself checkpoints. I also wanna end in like this, really, like mm-hmm. I have journaling practices that I do at the very beginning and end, and I just think if I wasn't taking that time, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have been noticing the things that needed to be noticed. Yeah. I wouldn't have been ready for the changes that needed to come, you know? Yeah. I think that's where you build your capacity. Right. It's not by doing more, it's by sitting in yourself more like, that's such a beautiful practice, Stephanie. I love that. I do too. What are, what are, do you have favorite practices or rituals that are the things that make you feel like your best self? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I journal all the time, so I wouldn't say every day as I've stepped more into. Awareness and like being in my body. I found like I don't have to be strict with myself because it's all inflow. So I'm, I journal when I feel called to journal and sometimes it's on my phone in the middle of the day, just like I have like a note section of journal that's like, I don't know, like. Like 800 pages long or something relatable. Um, but it's usually at night. Um, I meditate, but I wouldn't say I'm on a forced schedule with that either. Like I meditate most days, but not every day. Um, I have a mentor and we work through like different things. I have like specific things I'm working on. So Right. Right now I'm actually working through like. What is a spiritual warrior and like all the different parts of that and like you meditate on that and just see like in the inner realms, like what that, what that shows you. So, um, so yeah, so I do that. I just got back into, I've been avoiding something'cause like. Um, and I just got back into like taking Epsom salt baths.'cause I just think the salt is like, so, and it's'cause I,'cause one of my coping mechanisms is definitely too much screen time. Yeah. Um, so that. That helps me.'cause I, it's like 20 minutes, you have to sit in there. There's like no, no distractions, no where to go, nothing to do, nothing to do. You're just there. And, um, sometimes I meditate, but usually I just like see what comes up and let it go and just sit there. So, um, so that's always been really helpful for me. But I just started, it was funny. I actually had a patient, very intuitive patient come in yesterday and she was like, I've heard three times, I can't not tell you this. Are you taking salt baths? And I was like, no, I know I need to. She's like, yeah, well there's the message you needed. Yes. You know what I had, I had like a whole year where every single evening I put my legs up the wall. I did legs up the wall every day like. I love that. Yes. You know, I think we forget, I think that we, I think we are always going to forget and remember and forget and remember. Yep. And fall out of the flow and come back in and we don't need to panic. And I think the, the gaps gets shorter. Yes. And, and the difference is less extreme. Yes. And I think we just need to remember, we will always flow back into ourselves. Yes. Nothing can. Nothing can take yourself away from you. Like you can hide yourself from it, but nothing can take you away. Like, that's, that's the like, like that's eternal, right? Um, and I think, I think that all goes along with like learning balance. I love that. That story about the monk who's like standing on one leg and everybody's like, how do you stay balanced for so long? He's like, oh no, I don't stay balanced. I just get back into balance really quickly. And I think that's with that flow is like finding your own balance and being like, it's okay to go outta balance'cause you're finding where you're. Center is And the more often you like, do like Yeah, sometimes I go out of balance on purpose just to see like, yeah, and just to practice. Like it's, it's a practice. Yeah, exactly. So like how, and yeah, just staying in your own Alignment in that flow. So. This has been like the juiciest, most nourishing conversation. I love it. I just love it. I love everything about it. I am so grateful you created this space to even have these sorts of conversations like. So many kudos to you, Stephanie.'cause I'm sure you face so much resistance in like even getting to this part. Mm-hmm. And I think a good word to describe you would be like, trailblazer, you are blazing a trail and I am so grateful. Thank you. You're making me cry. Um, thank you for being here and for sharing your wisdom. Hmm, my pleasure. Thank you for yours as well. That was, you have a gift. Thank you. Thanks for being here. Together, we're going to make midlife neurodivergence less of a mystery.