Episode 32 - Rest, Focus, and Wellbeing

https://youtu.be/ywGrMtxL2qU

In this episode of Psyched for Sanity, Dr. Doss and Dr. Parker explore the importance of rest and how the way we rest can affect our focus, mental health, and overall wellbeing. They discuss why rest is more than just sleep, different ways to recharge, and practical strategies for staying focused and avoiding burnout.

Follow us:
Website: https://www.psychedforsanity.com/
Facebook: Psyched For Sanity Podcast
instagram:    / psychedforsanity  ​
TikTok:    / psychedforsanitypodcast

***Listener Discretion Advised:
This episode contains discussions about mental health topics and real-life experiences that may not be suitable for all audiences. While the conversation includes humor and personal stories, some content may be sensitive or triggering. Listener discretion is advised.***


#PsychedForSanity #Rest #MentalHealthPodcast #Wellbeing #Focus #Psychology

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Hello and welcome to Psych for Sanity. I am one of your hosts, Dr. Brendel Doss. I'm a licensed psychologist specializing in forensic and clinical psychology with areas of interest in attachment. Nope, that's you. Why do I do that recently? Why do I do that? I don't, that's not my area, guys. That's not accurate. Do no. I focus on assessment, child treatment, trauma, and geriatric psychology in addition to forensic psychology.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

And I am Dr. Terra McKelvey Parker. I'm also a licensed clinical psychologist. I specialize in attachment theory. I know quite a lot about attachment theory, to be fair. I do. But yes, I specialize in assessing and treating complex trauma and attachment wounds from childhood. Yes. And the reason so today's episode is going to be about attention and where we where we place our attention because I read an article that said that for the average person, we're only really paying attention to like the present moment, like less than 50% of the time. Sheesh. Like more than 50% of the time, we're in our heads thinking about completely different things.

SPEAKER_02 1:15

Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

And I was like, that is actually a staggering amount of time. Right. And so I thought, hmm, okay, why? Why? Why are we spending less than 50% of the time in the moment. In the moment. So that was sort of the reason why I wanted to do the episode and why, you know, that I thought I found the article interesting. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. And I can find it too in the in the show notes.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Yeah. I think it's so fascinating that I this had not occurred to me, but I definitely I have an interesting sort of like toggle. I definitely think my history, and you would say that I'm definitely someone that is future focused, right? Yeah. And very goal-oriented. Yes. But I really think in the past six months specifically, I've been much better at staying in the moment. Oh, nice. Good for you. Good for you. It's very hard to do. Thanks, Nick. That's my therapist.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

But but what is what is I'm sure he loves that shout out. I would love a shout-out of uh.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but I think staying in the moment is hard for a lot of people.

unknown 2:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

What do you think makes it hard for folks?

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Well, it's yeah, it's hard because I actually do think evolutionarily, like what the research shows is that like we are our brains are programmed to anticipate the future and problem solve and plan and analyze. Yes. So like if you are having a hard time staying present, it is not because there is anything wrong with you. Right. 50% of the time, folks, on average, it's it's just because that's the way that our our brains were designed.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Um, but there are some more psychological reasons why, too. I think we have a hard time staying focused in the present moment.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Um, you know, and maybe one of the biggest ones to me is that we live in a culture where productivity is highly praised. Right. Um, so Protestant work worth ethic ethic. Protestant work. Oh, yes, Protestant work ethic. So we are constantly busy.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Yeah, like like what is valued in in a lot of Western civilian work, Western culture is like working a lot, being busy, being active, always doing things and not necessarily holding still.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Overly scheduling social functions or being busy at work. Um, you know, it just always feels like there's something to do. And it does, I feel like, take intentional effort to not schedule things. Like even on the weekends, like with my kids, you know, like I that you I want to like keep busy and like schedule things and like do fun things. I'm like, wait a second, you should chill.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Yeah, just hold still, just hold still and chill. But I think we had this conversation also in this similar vein where sometimes folks that stay really, really scheduled and really, really busy, they might be avoiding. Absolutely holding still, holding still. Um, but I think we've also talked about this in the same vein of sometimes folks will even be, and I'm guilty of this, you know, transparently. I'll be like resting, but I'll be watching a TV show and also on my phone.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

That's the thing. Yeah, rest we don't actually.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

So is that really rest?

SPEAKER_00 4:21

I used to be way, I remember, and so my own therapist, speaking of therapist, she gave me um an assignment to go like take five hours to myself and to slow down and like really be in the present moment. And I was like, okay, easy. I want this. I remember being at Target because that's where I picked to go. Of course. It was like, I'm going because I wanted to browse slowly and not like there was a fire being lit under my like because that's what it feels like sometimes for me. I'm like, gotta go fast. Right. So I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna browse.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

I'm gonna leisurely browse.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Oh my God. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

What happened?

SPEAKER_00 4:56

It was so hard to hold filling. So hard. I could feel the tension building up in my body. Like, I want to move fast, I want to do the next thing. I want to like get going. I have a lot of time urgency.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

And so I it was hard. I'm way better at it now, but I definitely could like am guilty of like watching something like scroll in Facebook Marketplace and like designing my as we all do.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Yeah. And then also have something in the background too.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Yes. I am like notorious for having podcasts on in the background, and it's almost like this in-between zone of like totally not being present and being present. Like I don't have to put in a lot of effort and then I'm not alone. Cause when my podcast isn't on or when the TV's not on, I feel more lonely. And maybe that's something you're looking to avoid. Correct. Loneliness is something I am looking to avoid. Um, and having things unfinished is really uncomfortable for me. So I like to like close loops. Sure. That makes sense. That makes sense. Um yeah. So people definitely avoid certain emotional experiences. Right. And so then they want to occupy their attention and stay busy.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Right. So it's not necessarily that you have an attention problem, you have an avoidance problem. Attention.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Well, and this is like a fascinating question to ask and to sort of like tease apart when we're doing ADHD evaluations because there are lots of reasons why people have trouble focusing. And it absolutely can be because you're zoned out, or it could be because you're doing multiple things at once because you don't want to sit with how you feel. Or what your experience is, or you're overly analyzing in your brain constantly all the things. Yes. Um, and you know, that's not necessarily ADHD.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

No, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

As much as an avoidance or a defense or, you know, a coping mechanism for uncomfortable experiences, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

Yeah, and I think um uh rest is really hard, and rest is not valued like we talked about, and it doesn't like there has been some pushback against like burnout culture and things, I think, in the past couple years. That's true, that's true. And I think there's been like a trying to balance that narrative work-life balance. Right. But I think even in that's what I talked about while that's why the example of being on your phone while the TV's on, even that is it really rest.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

No, I don't think so. No, I I would not um it's it's it can be relaxing, right? It can be because it's a way that you're you're coping. So it's nice to have your attention sort of divided and to have things on in the background, and it can feel yeah, definitely relaxing, but rest in terms of like your body being calm.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Yeah. You know, and I thought you brought up a good example when we were kind of talking about or like discussing this episode is how often when you're in line waiting for something, do you look at your phone? Oh my gosh, I'm like so yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

This is and when I feel more anxious in life, this is worse. Okay, makes sense. Definitely on my phone more. I'm just like meh, and like I put your phone down. It can be, it's yes, and so I try to really purpose to like no put it down. Right. Be in line, just like notice what's around you.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Yeah, and I think like I've I thought about this um I think a lot of the time. So, do you know the time period during the day when you're literally are like you kind of have to shift into like actual rest? Yeah, sleep time.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

This is why people have a hard time going.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

This is exactly why people have a hard time. They stay busy all day. They stay busy all day, and they don't allow for actual rest. Yeah. Rest. And so rest is not sleep. No, rest is the precursor to get you to sleep in a way.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Like if you cannot let your mind rest without distraction maybe maps on to like parasympathetic nervous system activation. Like you feel calm and safe and content in your body and you're present and you're noticing what's around you without actively trying to think or do. Yes, which is challenging because our bodies often we like you know are kind of programmed culturally, biologically, yes, to like act and think and and do.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Why is rest and why is this like noticing these moments so important?

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Well, I think like we we did a whole episode, a whole episode on happiness. I did love that episode. Yes, and we talked all about how you know happy is really about being content, calm, comfortable, confident, contentment. Yeah. Particularly like in ordinary moments, like day-to-day moments. Right. So if we're not really focused on the present moment very often, like less than 50% of the time, then we're really robbing ourselves of opportunities to kind of be able to be content just in, you know, while we're drinking coffee in the morning, like appreciating and feeling grateful for those things.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

Yeah, I think those kind of moments of stillness are something that I feel like that's why I thank Nick, because I think I've gotten a way better at holding still in the still moments and noticing that's great. The moments that are that are actually happiness and our happiness episode for those of you that have not checked, watch that, definitely check it out. It's one that we really loved. But it's basically happiness isn't Christmas morning, but it's the small moments of like real stillness and appreciation and and connection with the moment, really. And that is the kind of kind of calm that you're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of a hard, it's like kind of challenging because there is happy in the sense of like happy emotion, Christmas morning. Sure, that's that exists. To be content and quote unquote happy or to have like a happy, healthy life. Yeah. Yeah, you kind of not every day is Christmas morning. Absolutely. And you have to be able to tolerate, you know, the the the ordinary stuff and the hard stuff. And, you know, like when you get to have Christmas morning and you have those moments of like pure happiness and excitement. So you need to be able to like be in the present moment to be able to experience the ordinary moments and then to be because otherwise you'll be like me. And I feel like I often fall into this thing called the I'll be happy wind track. Oh, yeah, been there. I remember telling people before I went to grad school, they're like, why are you even going to grad school? Like, you don't you know it's gonna be like 10 years and you're gonna like have no fun? And I was like, I'll be happy with that. I'll be happy when I'm done with grad school. I'll have fun when I'm done with grad school. When I'm licensed, I'll be happy. When I'm licensed, I'll be happy.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

When I have when I'm like thriving practice, I'll be happy.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

When I buy a house, I'll be happy. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

When I go on that vacation, I'll be happy.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

When I have kids, anything I'll be happy. Any kind of thing, and then I'll be happy. It's a trap, right? Well, yeah, and then you get to that thing and you're like, well, crap. Um I mean, I was happy for a little bit. That was really great. I achieved that thing, but like, not not. Wait a second. Like, I'm still not okay with being in the moment in these ordinary spaces. Like, I feel like this is like life should be more than you know, I start getting really existential.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

Well, to your bigger point, I had a patient um a while back that that mentioned this. They had saved up for a big purchase and they had been able to purchase it, and they they were upset that they didn't experience happiness at the big moment.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

And that's a real awake. They didn't even experience the Christmas morning feeling.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

Exactly, because they were unable to connect to the ordinary moment.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

So I think it's tricky because I yeah. And so I'm not as good. I don't think I think I've gotten a lot better. Um, yeah, at like doing that's something I'm actively working on now. Right. It's harder.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

I don't want anyone to think that I'm like, I got it locked. Well, it's Nick would say I don't.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

It takes mindfulness, you know, like it takes so like my there's a reason why mindfulness is like a really big buzzword right now. Absolutely. Um, and you know, this is not necessarily an episode on mindfulness. We don't do it too. Like impossible to mindfulness, by the way, is being able to be like present in the in in the present moment, like notice what's around you or notice what's happening in your body with your without being dragged away or distracted, like to be kind of in the moment. And so it's a muscle, it takes a lot of work. Yeah, it does. Yeah, you have to really actively practice it unless you know a lot of people get annoyed with that. I think I get annoyed with it. I get annoyed. I have in the past, yeah. I know, because I'm like, it's one of those things like deep breathing. I hear mindfulness, I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Well you are because it feels so you already know how I feel about deep breathing.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

I know I've gotten better, I've learned. Well, and I actually really love deep breathing for me and for people. And I've come, I've done a 180, and mindfulness is one of those things where I'm I'm working on doing it better. So until I can do it better, I'm like, no, not really. I it's really important, but it's really just a few minutes. Like this has helped me get a little bit more on board with the mindful.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

Intellectually, of course, I know it's important, but emotionally, I'm like, that's hard. Right. Uh, and I'm like, I'm not gonna do it. But I am, and it helps when I'm like, okay, just notice and come back to the present for uh just a second. Yeah, just like a minute.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Yeah, like expect the mind to wander, but if you can hold yourself in stillness for a few seconds without punishment.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Build capacity for it. Oh, yeah. Build capacity for laying and doing nothing.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

Not on your phone, not on your phone, not planning your next meal.

SPEAKER_00 14:09

Yeah, not like thinking and worrying and analyzing and like being like two weeks ahead, you know. Like just be in your room and noticing what's happening and you know, enjoy the feeling of relaxation and rest in your body.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

Why what emotions are what things we've talked, we kind of talked about this, but what things are people avoiding in these moments? I mean, I'm thinking anxiety.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

Well, for me, definitely anxiety. Like I feel like, you know, I I don't like I don't like unfinished things. Right. It's kind of yeah, it's like a little bit of an obsessive, compulsive need to close the loop. So I get a little bit like in my anxiety, kind of like wanting to control things and do and organize. Um, so that's definitely something for me that I have to recognize and notice and like try to try to stop that in the moment so I can kind of rest and relax for sure.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

I think the first step is it's like this is what I would always encourage folks, my patience is the first step is awareness. Even if it's awareness that you're not doing what you you're not you're not able to hold still for those few seconds, just start there and then build on that once you have that basic awareness. The next thing is okay, what can I how can I build on that moment to notice how the grass smells when it's freshly cut, if that's your thing. Or notice this cup of coffee, or notice when my kid is XYZ, or just when you're, you know, driving along on a nice day listening to your favorite podcast or favorite song.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Or even like um for me, some somatic mindfulness like is really important. So um it kind of depends on what you focus want to focus your attention on, but it's really about focused attention, you know. Obviously being in the moment helps with the ordinary, you know, be sort of being more in touch with the ordinary stuff, but also like being in touch with your body and what's happening there and being mindful there and present and focused, right, you know, is really helpful and something that I tried hard to do. That one's easier for me than focusing on right what's going on around me. A lot of times I want to be in my body or in my head, but that piece is really being in the moment and in in terms of your environment is really important too.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Yeah, I think you know, you had also talked about with this that it's uh life is spent in the ordinary moments.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

Right. Like that's the majority of our like it's it's not weddings or vacations or Christmas morning. It's too like what do we talk about? Like boring Tuesday behavior. Yeah, and I was like, why is it always Tuesday?

SPEAKER_01 16:39

I mean why it's Tuesday because Monday is like Monday's manic. Right. Friday is woo-hoo. Wednesday's hump day. And Thursday is almost a Friday.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Yeah. So Tuesday is the most boring.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Tuesday's the most boring, but all we have this whole conversation about it. It was a great conversation. We have great conversations.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Why is it Tuesday?

SPEAKER_01 16:54

I'm there I well, I I but I'm telling you, I'm really appreciating Tuesday stuff. Yeah, well, that's great. Like you know, getting a basket of laundry folded or hung up. That's yeah, that does feel really gratifying. You know? Yeah. It's the little things. And then I know that's again not holding still in the moment, but if you can appreciate and develop appreciation and presentness, even in those kind of things, even if you're not holding completely still, yeah, sure. I think that can be moving towards being completely without distraction or like future, future focused, you know?

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Yeah. So if you find yourself, you know, being like a lot of us and having a hard time feeling focused in the present moment, right? Um, then we would encourage you to ask yourself psychologically what could be happening to prevent yourself. Of course, there is just the mechanism biologically, right? And so you need to practice being mindful, but are there psychological things that are occurring that are making it hard for you to just live in the ordinary moment? What am I avoiding? What am I avoiding? What am I rushing towards? Oh, that's a good one, right? Um, what kinds of experiences do I not want to feel? Um, you know, what am I avoiding thinking about? Mm-hmm. Exactly. Like, is productivity part of my identity?

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Oof.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Right? Who else am I? Do I actually value rest? Or, you know, have I been just told that rest isn't important? Like, what do I want? Do I want to be?

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

Um, I don't know. I think these are all really important to tumble around with. Yeah, to think about and in terms of like figuring out why you're having a hard time being mindful and then practicing that muscle, like you're saying, um in small bursts.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

Right, without judgment. Without judgment. If you can. Yeah, if you can. No, I think that's really helpful, and I think um I love this conversation because I think it really it just makes me feel good to to to remind myself of the the joy of ordinary moments and of the stillness. And I think it's it's just really comforting. Yeah, so is that what you're taking away from the episode? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just appreciation for like the little things that add up to the overall enjoyment in life, and the stillness isn't something we have to be afraid of.

SPEAKER_00 19:16

Yeah, we we may be afraid of it, but it's yeah, but you're okay, but you're okay. For me, oftentimes when I do try to like when I'm when I make myself be still, I do tell I have to tell myself you're safe. You're safe, girl. No lion's not chasing you and there's no fire.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Right, but that's okay to say. It's okay to say, and that's important if that helps you especially transition to that place. Do it, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:38

I think that this episode, the article in the episode was very validating for me. When I heard that statistic about more than 50% of the time, I was like, oh, okay, I'm not alone.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

I'm not alone, yes. This is hard for other folks to do it.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

And I kind of knew it, but just seeing the number, like the stat like on the paper, I was like, oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Okay it's not just me that picks up my phone when I'm playing with my kid.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

Yeah, and it was this article too that helped me really start thinking about the ordinary moment and how important it is. And I think I think it even was what in partially inspired some of the happiness episodes. So it kind of goes.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

I think it's yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Well, I mean, again, I'm just appreciative of that and this conversation. And I think um, to our listeners uh at home and and watching and listening, um, try today to find an ordinary moment and see how that goes for you and let us know. This podcast is intended for informational and educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or any kind of professional mental health treatment. We hope that we can share with you our experience authentically and genuinely, and we hope that occasionally we'll make you laugh. Maybe you can relate to our quest and how we're psyched for sanity. The content we share is um our personal opinions and insights. They are not clinical insights to anyone, and they don't represent or reflect any entity that we worked at or have worked for in the past. But if listening to this podcast has made you think, we really encourage you to seek out a mental health professional in your area.