The Bone Zone
The Bone Zone
The Bone Zone
Episode 26: The Three Hour Sex Date
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Within our relationship, we implemented the practice of the 3-hour sex date once a week.
Barring some periods of falling off the wagon, we have more or less stuck to it for almost 2 years.
Sex and intimacy are like anything else. If you don’t make it a priority and plan for it (likegoing to the gym), you’re likely to see it slide further down your list.
However, what do you do if you’ve committed to this time together, but you just don’t feel like it on the day?
In this episode, we talk about:
- The real intention of the sex date (and how hot sex is a byproduct of that)
- What to do when you don’t feel like it.
- Making the sex date your own
- Why this date is even more important in periods of transition and strong emotions
- The solo weekly sex date
We want to hear your thoughts and questions, so if there's anything you would like us to cover on the show, please drop us a line on
info@thebone-zone.com
Welcome to the Bone Zone. I'm Sarah.
SPEAKER_02And I'm Richard.
SPEAKER_00And in this podcast, we excavate sex and relationship myths and uncover the truth of how it all really works. We bridge the esoteric and practical worlds to bring you grounded, sage, and tangible advice and tools, whether you're looking to attract a soulmate relationship or grow and expand within an existing one.
SPEAKER_02Hello and welcome back.
SPEAKER_00Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.
SPEAKER_02And good night.
SPEAKER_00I'm taking your role of like greeting everyone, no matter where they are in the world.
SPEAKER_02Yes. And um oh shout out to all of your support. I see your numbers are forever increasing. Uh which means that we obviously are doing a few things right.
SPEAKER_00Which for which we are very talking about the download numbers, you should probably be specific, darling.
SPEAKER_02Well, what else could I be talking about?
SPEAKER_00I don't know.
SPEAKER_02A bowl of soup or something.
SPEAKER_01No, I mean it could be the number of messages you get from adoring fans.
SPEAKER_02Which I think has been one message. And that was actually actually.
SPEAKER_00There have been messages just not to the email address specifically, apart from one person shout out to that particular person.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so that's my reflection. It's like I set up this fantastic email and no one ever writes to it. Stop, stop rolling your eyes, you look like a fruit machine. Anyway, today in this episode, we are going to go a bit more intimate and um talk about sex dates. More specifically, we hide ourselves, we commit to ourselves to have a non-negotiable one, three-hour sex date once a week.
SPEAKER_00Yes. And I haven't finished. Wait, I want to add something to this. Gosh, you started already.
SPEAKER_02Fuck me.
SPEAKER_00This is something I'm supposed to be working on, which is ironic because the next episode we're going to do is around masculine and feminine. But anyway.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, put my breasts on, shall I?
SPEAKER_00Please don't. This goes if you're solo as well. So we're not just talking about people and couples. If you are solo, you should still be spending dedicated time with your Yoni or Cock.
SPEAKER_02Great. And now I've forgotten what it was I was gonna say. Oh yeah, so and people might say that's a lot. When we first started, the thought of a three-hour sex session was like, oh Christ, I've never done that before. Well, I did, but that was under a whole haze of drugs. So that doesn't count. The whole point of this is without substances. That's where it gets tricky, tough, and like really confusing, and you become resistant.
SPEAKER_00Well, it depends if you've used that as a crutch in your sex life for your whole life or not. But yes, for a lot of people it is a thing.
SPEAKER_02Intuitively speaking, if everyone in the world were to put up a hand if they use some sort of substance to loosen themselves up, alcohol, whatever it is, I think that will be the large majority.
SPEAKER_00Well, actually, what's interesting is people are having less sex and people are also drinking less alcohol. So I don't know if the two are connected. Like probably people don't have these things that take the edge off inhibition, so therefore they have less sex. Which is easier said than done, obviously.
SPEAKER_02Can I get on with the fucking podcast now?
SPEAKER_00Please do.
SPEAKER_02Thank you. So this Sunday we were lying in bed, and I felt a bit weird, and Sarah felt a bit weird.
SPEAKER_01Weirder than usual.
SPEAKER_02Weirder than usual. She's always a bit weird, which is why I love her. It's one of her traits. But anyway, she was feeling we were both, let's just, you know, say it how it was. We were both feeling resistant to having sex. And so while some people out there might say, Oh, you fucking idiots, you know, you you've committed to three hours hot sex and all of this, and why aren't you doing it? Well, it doesn't seem for us in any case, sometimes as easy as one might think.
SPEAKER_00I would also say there would be people that are like, Well, is it a big deal if you don't do it? Kind of, because if you let things slide, they will continue to slide. However, um, you need to think more broadly about what a sex state is and what it entails.
SPEAKER_02Which is what we're going to go into. And just and just excuse me, just before some of you getting triggered, like uh like uh someone I know who used to get triggered by the whole thing. How are you supposed to have sex with three hours?
SPEAKER_00And oh yeah, that was like at the beginning, at the very beginning. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And for those of you who are saying, I haven't got time, I haven't got kids, well or you have got kids, or you haven't. Oh, sorry, you have got kids. Um there are believe me, there are plenty of people out there who have got kids who manage to do this as well.
SPEAKER_00So whilst I will say to you yes, it is more of a challenge to schedule it, it's amazing how people when push comes to shove, find things for the find time for the things that are important to them. And this kind of links into what we were talking about before, how people are talking less and less in relationships. Well, if you show up for your relationship for half an hour a week, you can't ever expect it to be an exceptional relationship because no one would expect to turn up for a job for half an hour a week and be like, oh my god, I'm gonna be so amazing at this job. Like, that's not a thing. So it comes down to really looking at what are your priorities, and look, if it's not three hours, it's two hours, it's still the principle of sticking to something that is the intention of which is well, there's numerous intentions. Number one, to increase your level of intimacy, and number two, it's a way of working through any emotions and blocks that you have, both through talking and through semantic release through the genitals. And three, the pleasure that you get out of that, the actual sex itself, is a byproduct of the first two points. So you can you have hot sex without the first two points? Yeah, at the beginning of a relationship, or if you're high or if you're on some kind of substance, sure. But if we're talking about a longer term relationship, without the first two, you will struggle to have the third, which is the I don't know what that kind of sex is that?
SPEAKER_02I'm not sure I want that kind of sex. Can you start fucking around with a mic boom, please? Because then I have to spend my whole life editing your noises out of the you have to edit out my noises. Yes, your your these noises that you've been making.
SPEAKER_00Okay, right. Focus now.
SPEAKER_02Focus. So we were in bed on Sunday, and the air felt a bit uh off, let's say.
SPEAKER_00So I woke up. So can you no, because it was my thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but I was gonna say something and then pass you over the buttons. I'll uh Then Sarah looked at me and she said, I need to get something off my chest. And I went, oh yeah, okay. Now you can now I don't want to. No, now you're going to.
SPEAKER_00Um yeah, basically I'd woken up feeling resistance and being like, oh god, it's like a three-hour sex date. Ugh, I don't, I can't be arse today. Now, this is not the energy that I particularly want to show up in a sex to a sex date with. I'm not going to take away from the fact that it's important to schedule stuff and do it if it's intuitively the right thing to do it, right? So to follow through on your commitments, even when you're you're like, ugh, I really don't want to, but intuitively you know it's going to be good for you, like going to the gym, right? You might not want to go, but you feel good when you've done it. Versus there's something in the air, there's something off, and we need to talk about it. So in my case, what was off, and we'll probably be going into this more next week, um, was this concept of feeling pressured. So this was something that I felt a lot at the beginning of our relationship, this pressure to have sex, not least because um Richard had come out of a relationship where sex was not that frequent, if at all, um in the last few years of the relationship. So I was like, my god, he can't see me as another person that doesn't want to that doesn't want to have sex. So there was that pressure that I put on myself, which I've stopped doing now, but that existed at the beginning of our relationship. I was feeling this pressure again last Sunday to show up to this date and make it a certain way. So we have to make it all about pleasure and like pumping for like an hour and a half and like all of these things.
SPEAKER_02I would have to make it about the pumping, not you. Yeah, yeah, obviously.
SPEAKER_00Obviously, just to clear yes, thank you for clarifying that.
SPEAKER_02You're welcome.
SPEAKER_00But I had built it up in my head to this vision of what it should be, and I was feeling this immense pressure from that. And so what I did is rather than say I'm not going to do this at all because I'm not going to pressure myself, I said, let's reimagine what this actually looks like, and what it is that we feel is important for us to do during these three hours to work on our intimacy and removing any emotional blocks that are in the way. So that's what we did because talking and getting things off your chest and emotionally connecting and communicating is part of a sex date.
SPEAKER_02It's actually quite hot. It can be quite hot.
SPEAKER_00Yes. So taking that time to connect anyway, even if everything's good, but especially if something is a bit off, was the way that we started the sex day. So we just had a very open and honest conversation about okay, I'm feeling a bit of a resistance. Why do we feel this? I identified the pressure point. And then we said, okay, we're still committing to doing this, but we're going to take any pressure or expectations off it, and we're going to see what happens. Also, I identified, I am going through particular emotional blocks at the moment. So, spoiler alert for next week. I am very, very consciously working on dialing down my masculine programming and dialing up the feminine, which is still a work in progress, as you can probably all tell from me trying to take over this podcast as usual.
SPEAKER_02Yes, the day when I actually get the mic for a full 40 seconds will be the day when you can all say, Oh, Sarah's in her feminine.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so anyway, this may be something weird to say, but for me to relax and just let go is a thing. And because I've been doing it recently, there's been a lot of uncomfortable emotions around it. A lot. Actually, am I gonna say more than I thought? No, probably as much as I thought.
SPEAKER_02I think you pretty much knew what shit sandwich you had to eat when embarking on this.
SPEAKER_00Uh so what we did after we'd talked about what was going on, talked about some of the blocks, is decide to help each other heal and release those blocks. And one effective way of doing that is through massage. So uh I don't mean shoulder massage, but you can do shoulder and breast massage and all of that, but I'm as well. But speaking specifically about yoni massage and/slash or lingam massage, yoni for the woman, lingam for the man, and the intention of that is very much to release suppressed emotion or emotion that you're conscious of and you really want to process through this somatic sexual process. And it was really interesting because I could tell there was like tension and tightness there, and it's the same with the when you go for a massage, you have knots in your shoulders and whatever you also carry that tension in your uh genitals, and it's not surprising that I was carrying a lot as I am trying to you store a lot in your genitals, more than anyone might actually think or believe. And also because I'm actively trying to change my my default programming now as well. So there was a lot that came up through that. So the intention for the sex date was actually to heal, to release, to increase sensitivity, to connect. And that's what we did for actually three hours just flew by, just flew by with all of that. My point is that the sex day was actually that day there was actually a very minimal amount of what people might well intercourse, yes, there was actually relatively little of what people might think of as sex, intercourse, yeah, penetration yes, it was massage, it was releasing shifting energy around, and do you know what it really does fucking work? Yes, and it it really does connect you as a couple as well, because for me it's healing to receive that, and for you, you're actively participating in that process as well. I felt like a bit of a therapist in a nice way, not like I've never seen had a therapist uh do that downstairs, but anyway.
SPEAKER_02I'm glad to hear it, Glenn. But if it okay, God, you do have to bring me up on everything I say sometimes. I felt like I took a a therapist role on that particular day. Yes. To help you shift around because you are going through a number of different things, you've made some decisions in your life which were which we will be going into next week. Which should be going into necessary and uncomfortable at the same time. You're gonna get a lot of blockages surrounding all of that, because that was the umbrella what we'll talk about next week. But anyway, it was uh quite an interesting experience.
SPEAKER_00Yes for me as well, and that kind those kind of sessions are important precursors for what people might think of as what a sex state is, which is the actual penetrative activities. So we're talking about more than the what's just in case you're all thinking like, oh, these two they they bone for three hours. The two pump chump. For two no, so when we're not necessarily I mean, we you could, but we're not necessarily talking about um penetration dick to vagina penetration dick to vagina for three hours, but a good benchmark, I think, is between half an hour to an hour and a half during that period because the point of the sex day is also for the man to build up stamina because it's quite common that man's like I'm done after like five minutes, and the woman's like, What the hell is that?
SPEAKER_01Is it no?
SPEAKER_02I don't know, guys.
SPEAKER_00Is it two pump what no, it has a special special name like two pump chump. No, but in it is common for men to find it easier to reach orgasm, and then once they do, they can be like, right, okay, cool, we're done here, and the woman is just like it's not even warmed up yet.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it just takes me back to a friend I had, and he was infamous for um having sex for like 10 minutes. That probably included the time to eat the pizza and dinner.
SPEAKER_00You know that's your favourite joke, you say that every time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but they don't know that, and now you fucking out to be in front of everyone. So the only joke I know.
SPEAKER_00I've literally no idea who you're talking about.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, after sex, you would literally pick the newspaper up and start reading the sports section of the newspaper. Really? You might want to know who this is now. Oh, it's an old school friend, you have no idea who is. But just to put you in the picture, this is not what it is about.
SPEAKER_00So, yes, ultimately the sex date and each individual sex date can have an intention based on where you are in your relationship and where you are on that specific day, and based on what's going on in your life. And if it's not the I've pumped for an hour and a half and done like foreplay and done this and done that, that's fine because don't forget what the wider purpose of having this sex date is as well.
SPEAKER_02Well, it's to connect in every possible format. Yes, and specifically physically, because it is about physical connection, it is, but um, sometimes it is 100% physical, other times the whole point of it is maybe you shouldn't even call it. Should we call it a sex date? I think it's good to call it a sex date because it gives a principle intention. However, within that, you have to be able to talk about whatever is bugging you.
SPEAKER_00As distinguished from date night, where you might go out and do something.
SPEAKER_02This is literally argue like we do on date night.
SPEAKER_00So this is literally two of you together, no phones, no alcohol, no whatever, just the two of you. And actually that can be really uncomfortable sometimes if, like, you know, one thing it's date night, you're you know, you're out, you're distracted by having dinner and drinks and whatever else you do on date nights, but this is just the two of you with no filter.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and that's what can make it can make things awkward. And you know, that's not such a bad thing. Everyone can spot awkwardness. Yeah, so you can either it's a space for it to come to the cell. It's a space for it to come to the cell. You can spend all day and say, What's wrong?
SPEAKER_01Nothing.
SPEAKER_00The ideal thing is to do it consistently every day, but let's just say something's built up and you didn't particularly realize the gravitas of it until you get to the sex state, great. Yeah, it's just fun.
SPEAKER_02At least one one day of the week and one specific time of the week, you have the opportunity to get it off your chest if that's what you need to do.
SPEAKER_00And I'm just gonna cover briefly the solo sex day, which I'd say like two hours is a good benchmark for that. Again, the intention is the same, right? Is to connect with yourself, to develop intimacy with yourself, to try and feel Within your body, some of the emotions come up coming up to engage in yoni massage to see if there's any tension that you're holding in your genitals and to basically give yourself the dedicated space to do that, and then obviously there's the self-pleasure element as well.
SPEAKER_02It's just one thing that the the massage part of it, be it with yoni or cock massage. Um the in the primary intention is not to achieve orgasm, it's literally to connect with yourself on a physical level.
SPEAKER_00Correct. So it's a if you happen to orgasm whilst you're doing it, that's a byproduct, but it's not the intention of the intention is to heal, to release, to activate, to increase sensitivity, all of those things that are important for you to be able to have the very hot intimate sex and the deep, deeper vaginal orgasms as well. So it's a precursor, and especially if you are going through some kind of transition, you are gonna be holding stuff like that is just a given, and sex and sexual intimacy and activities can be part of your emotional release process, and it's a very effective emotional release, so it's not unusual if I have a particularly uh intense orgasm that I will burst into tears. That's happened before because it's an emotional release, and I'm like, whoa, where did that come from? Then I'm like, I'm glad that came up. In fact, I think I did I cry on Sunday. Probably cried on Sunday as well.
SPEAKER_02Um I think you would have remembered.
SPEAKER_00I think I did. I say that I note this because I'm generally not a crier. Like I actually give myself a pat on the back if I have cried. So I'm like, yeah, it's like the least emotion.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's that's what puts you firmly in your masculine.
SPEAKER_00What? Crying.
SPEAKER_02Not crying.
SPEAKER_00Oh right, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Or uh holding back an emotion or being the strong, independent, silent type, that kind of stuff. That's what you were like when I first met you. If you did release an emotion, it would normally be in the form of a glass aimed at my head. Or some venomous comment.
SPEAKER_01True story. But uh now we have other methods to we have each other's genitals.
SPEAKER_02What fun.
SPEAKER_00And uh just to close off this point, because I feel called to say it, your genitals are sentient beings. Your yoni, you can have a conversation with your yoni. Your cook, you can have a conversation with your cook, and you might be like, What is this crazy bitch talking about?
SPEAKER_02Well, don't knock it till you've tried it.
SPEAKER_00But with your cock gents, for example, I've had um friends say to me, Ig, I don't want to do yoni massage, it's gross in there. I'm like, what kind of message are you sending to your yoni saying? I mean, just think about it. It's like you saying to someone else, Ugh, you're so gross and smelly. I don't I don't want to be near you. It's not going to encourage your yoni to open up and become more sensitive and flower. You in the same way that you want to encourage positive self-talk yourself, you do with your genitals as well.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. Also, there is anecdotal evidence out there that um after properly opening it, it depends on how blocked you are. Some people are uh are very blocked. I was oh well, this mine is a different story altogether, but I was extremely blocked. I still am, but I'm getting there. Um, have once they become unblocked and started to have, and especially in the case of the anecdotal evidence, was uh uh from women, that sort of money started coming their way. Um they reconnected with someone that they'd been angry with in the past and haven't talked to. Things like that started uh sorry.
SPEAKER_00What are we talking about from what uni massage or from opening up? So no, let's get more specific here because opening up is vague. We're talking about consciously and intentionally practicing uh sexual intimacy with yourself and and I say and with other people because even if you're in a couple, it doesn't take away from the fact that you need to connect with yourself. Um consciously and intentionally practicing that and learning how to recycle that sexual energy as well. So through breathing techniques, you are helping that energy to flow through your body, and that's what ultimately opens you up.
SPEAKER_02And obviously, as we know, like releasing emotions is a good thing, it is is also because it uh sometimes you at the same time deal with uh certain beliefs that have been uh holding you back. So, for example, you know, in the old manifestation books from 20, 30, 40 years ago, it was like you just have to sit there and visualize a million dollars, and a million dollars will come your way. That being there, tried it, it's just it's rubbish.
SPEAKER_00Rolling my eyes so hard right now. No, it's side note, when I first met Richard, he believed that that was a thing. I was like, this is not a thing. Like you have to do stuff as well.
SPEAKER_02You have to do stuff, and one one of the ways of doing stuff is to let's just call it change your electromagnetic field. We'll talk about that maybe one day, that you have everyone has residing around them. It's just an electromagnetic field, and if that field holds beliefs like uh okay, I want a million, but then your belief is how the fuck am I gonna pay my gas bill, then your field is concentrated on how am I gonna pay my gas bill? Uh go, no manifestation. So the act of practicing these, do you doing these sexual practices to to open yourself up and also at the same time have these really powerful uh orgasms changes that field around you to allow other stuff to come into your experience, and actually essentially what it comes down to is you're loving, you're loving her, you're loving on yourself.
SPEAKER_00You are right, and people with a sense of high a high sense of self-worth tend to do better because they are more confident. So when you're loving on yourself, when you're loving on your body, you're sending a positive message to yourself, and as we all know, like energy attracts like energy.
SPEAKER_02It's just physics.
SPEAKER_00I'm rolling my eyes around.
SPEAKER_02Don't roll your eyes on me, woman.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Anyway, I hope that um what was my intention for the okay. My intention for today was to broaden your thinking of what you could incorporate within a sex state and to encourage y'all to go out and try it. Not try it, incorporate it into your life, not just try it once and be like, great, I've done that.
SPEAKER_02Just go and do it. You know what? The email line is still open, even though we've only ever had one. Someone please send him. No, no, no, no. If you want to send me an email, but you know what? I challenge you, you go out and do this stuff. Anyone who has something bad to say about it, then you can fucking write to me and give me a right ear for how about that? But none of you will.
SPEAKER_01You just want someone to email you. I just want someone to complain or something. Shall I just send you an email?
SPEAKER_02Oh, go away. Okay, everyone, uh, lots of love, and we will catch you on the next one.
SPEAKER_01Catch you later. Bye.
SPEAKER_02We'd like to thank you for tuning in and listening to this episode today. If you like what you heard, I invite you to follow our show. And if you really liked our show, head over and leave a review on your podcast app of choice. We also want to hear your thoughts and questions. So, if there's anything you would like us to cover on the show, please drop us a line on the email below. Thank you for listening, and until next time.