Episode 34: Daddy Issues... But It's My Wifes Dad!- How We Survived 14 Days Without Committing A Crime

Our family relationships can be some of the most triggering relationships in our lives.

 It can be easy to get caught in a cycle of blame and finger pointing (especially if there is much history to back it up!) but challenging family dynamics are also some of the greatest tools for growth.

We talk about the impact of Sara’s parents two-week visit and why we’d do it again (no, really!)
In this episode, we cover:

•  The range of emotions we experienced during the two weeks
•  Where these emotions came from (i.e. what exactly we felt triggered about)
•  Key learnings that we both had in terms of areas we felt imbalanced.
•  My body the oracle!
•  A simple tool you can use to shift how you feel about the challenging relationships in your life

We want to hear your thoughts and questions, so if there's anything you would like us to cover on the show, please drop us a line on 

info@thebone-zone.com

 
And if you want to check out Sara’s solo podcast, The Mind Body Spirit Accelerator – where she gives you simple neuroscience-based tips (that actually work) to create the life you want, you can check it out on:

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033kZ5sPIbZkkQe6j6xJkH?si=99231cc2e65c4d8a

 or

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mind-body-spirit-accelerator/id1896793868

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to the Bone Zone. I'm Sarah.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

And I'm Richard.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

And in this podcast, we excavate sex and relationship myths and uncover the truth of how it all really works. We bridged the esoteric and practical worlds to bring you grounded, sage, and tangible advice and tools, whether you're looking to attract a soulmate relationship or grow and expand within an existing one.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Hello and uh welcome to the third take of this podcast where I'm in fact going to let Sarah introduce it because for the last two takes I started to ramble because I just cannot get my information out in a structured way. And so, Sarah, please interrupt me. I'm asking you to interrupt me. Interrupt me now, please.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

So, hello everyone. Today we are going to be talking about And I won't interrupt you just like I did. We are going to be talking about learnings from my parents coming to stay for two weeks. We actually have covered this definitely in the last episode, but in the last two episodes, when we talked about ageing and men in their 50s declining, we did do a brief nod to my parents, but we did, yes. We are now going to focus on it more fully. This is a podcast about relationships and obviously parental relationships. Not obviously. Well, I think for a lot of people, parental relationships are triggering, even if it's not actively a bad relationship, they still can be triggering for various reasons, and that can be to do with sweeping things under the carpet, for example.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

If you have a lot of people, we talked about that too, didn't we?

SPEAKER_02 2:03

If you have a parent that never really wants to talk about anything, that's that can be triggering as well. So that's why we're focusing on it today, and the way that we're gonna structure this episode so that it doesn't go into a massive bitch ramble first.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

That's that's that would be me.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Um is to talk about our experiences of having them for two weeks and then to talk about some of the learnings that you can take away from parental relationships that perhaps aren't what you would ideally like. So how you can use them as a tool for growth, use that those relationships.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

They say, some people say, um that you choose your parents before you're born energetically, or something I read somewhere. So um it's quite interesting, really, because I learned a lot off my mother. Uh I learned to do the opposite of what she did, and I came out okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Yes, pretty much that was my technique with my parents as well. Whatever you're doing, do not want any of that.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Um, but yeah, so I mean, depending on your school of thought, whether you're spiritual, non-spiritual. If you're non-spiritual, I'm not going to spend too long on this, but yes, there are some schools of thought whereby we actually choose our parents and we have soul contracts with them in order to learn certain lessons that are going to be for our highest growth and so that we can unlock our potential.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Precisely.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

Okay, so let's begin with the experience bit, which will be where do I start? Yeah. Well, you can start.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

I can ramble now, can I?

SPEAKER_02 3:59

Because now we can ramble.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

You've given some context. That's great. Tell who the podcaster of this family is. Oh, that's so good. So I I have to uh preface this by saying I don't have much of a family left. I have an auntie and two cousins and they're kids. My mother is dead, and my father I have a telephone conversation with because I can't stand to be in the same room as his wife.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

And he has always chosen his wife over you.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

He has, but with that'll be something maybe towards the end, because that has a lot to do with your dad.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

Okay, so that will come in the learning section.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

So let's talk about it in the structured learning part of this podcast.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

The structured learning part of this process, which actually maybe some of you just want rambly bit. So I don't know, no, I don't want to ramble because Richard, fire away with your experience.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Basically, my experience was that I'm Sarah's mum and dad have always welcomed me with open arms. Okay. And we're from a different religion, and it could have gone um, you know, in such a way where I wouldn't be accepted by the family. But they were, they were incredibly accepting of me, and they've always been super nice to me. However, Sarah's dad.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Um, actually, sorry to interrupt there. So I think it's important to know because I've been I was asked this by uh someone I met last week. She was like, are they independent or do they need hand holding?

SPEAKER_00 5:34

No, they need handholding.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

They are the archetypal I need hand holding for everything. And I mean that. I mean they won't even leave the house without someone accompanying.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

We had to throw them out for an hour and give them detailed direction to walk three meters down the road to a fucking coffee shop so they could sit and have a coffee in silence whilst we recorded a podcast.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

You don't know that they were sitting in silence.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Oh, come on, look at my face. Jesus. Anyway. Anyway, anyway. So I find this man incredibly triggering. Um, I try to sit and have conversations, and it's like um I it's just going in through one ear and out the other, and then he comes back ten minutes later and has the same conversation that I was having with him 10 minutes earlier, which I thought he wasn't listening to. He has this lack of awareness, which has always been a problem for me, even back in Spain. The Spanish also for me have a lack of awareness down in the south, where it's basically they just put themselves first, and in the same way, he puts himself first. I mean, literally, in both a selfish way, in every way possible. And this was one of the lessons that I had, which I can talk about now or later, but I mean it was a reflection that I was always the person who never put myself first. So basically, this relationship I had with this man for two weeks was showing me constantly stuff, and I was sitting here getting triggered.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

And let's let's go through what some of your emotions were. What were some of your feelings?

SPEAKER_00 7:16

My feeling was number one, I got very angry towards the end. I know this because I I kind of triggered you a little bit, pissed you off because it was like two or three days, even after that they had left.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

My gosh, he was ranting for two days.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Yeah, I just thought the way that um you know I looked at you and I saw how fucking exhausted you were. You hadn't slept.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Well, I'll go into me in my experience of that.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

And I just basically came to the I was just angry that he'd been a very poor father to you, basically. Which was a big reflection of how my dad was with me, which is something I can get into at the end as well. So I felt this kind of a real anger, almost like a protective um thing for Sarah, where I was angry at him for for being with her the way that he's always been with her. And actually, Sarah reacted actually better this time. Normally, you would have thrown him off the balcony eight times, and this time round you were quite composed, and I was the one who was not composed, and that's probably because I buried my feelings last time, and this time I was actually voicing them a lot and frequently.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

You know, we would um we was we made a deal together to try and have sex and to create a time where he was still in bed, and we would just FYI, he sleeps till about 10 or 11 in the morning and then is in his pajamas until about one or two, which was actually I'm I'm actually gonna go into that when I talk about my trigger point.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

So, yeah, and he would um you know we would sit there and try to have this interrogate boba, and then he would sit around shuffling around the house, making as much fucking noise as possible, and then doing this in the bathroom and sort of hocking up both of his lungs, which is really sexy, by the way. And we just sat in bed laughing, and then after the first week, we kind of ditched the idea of no, so actually the idea of sex.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

No, no, no. So actually, you're remembering it incorrectly. The first week he was quiet. It was only when we got to the second week that this kind of your father was never quiet. He was sleeping.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

Oh, right, yes, yes, yes, yes. The first week actually went well in terms of we we put ourselves first and we carved out this time so we could just be together. Yeah, and the second week kind of all fell apart.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

And that was actually when we tried, but he was shuffling around making as much noise as possible.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Yes, yes, yes. Um, which so basically just to wrap up so I I spent the week on a roller coaster of anger and being triggered wanting to throttle him. I would never throttle him, or would I? I don't know. No. Um, and and even being angry two days after their departure, normally I would have already popped open a bottle of champagne with Sarah to celebrate that they're not coming for and this all sounds really mean. Um, but you know, I actually like spending time with Sarah's mother. I have conversations, uh, a lot of conversations about her husband actually, and and uh how she would like to change him, etc., and how she he irritates her. But um add your dad in, it just kind of sets a cat amongst the pigeons. It just kind of um whips everything up and it whips up my emotions as well. So um I I'm not gonna sit down and not be angry with him because that's what I'm feeling. I'm gonna sit with that emotion. But the real lesson here, which we'll go on to, is what I learned from all of this. Because believe me, no matter how annoying your in-laws or parents are, or anyone from the family, they are for sure there to teach you something. The question is, is are you listening?

SPEAKER_02 11:35

Yes, and uh that lesson can also be um what you don't want, how you sh don't want to be, um how to kind of be your own cheerleader, even if you don't have that parent that is your cheerleader, and in fact, in a lot of cases, sometimes they're the opposite of that. Because you need to cheerlead yourself, yes, and because you're meant to develop resilience, and we all have to develop resilience somehow, or we don't develop it, and then we're a bit fucked anyway. So look, but okay, let me just talk about my my experience from obviously the perspective of them being my parents. Um, so kind of like Richard, when they were here last year, I was totally calm for the first week, and then the second week, I was all over the show. This week, this time round, as soon as they landed at the airport, I was already angry. I was literally already angry, like immediately. Um, and just like Richard said, it's because I'm now more open and inviting to my emotions than I have ever been at any point in the past.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

That's the first positive thing.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

Although it is.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Okay. I'm thinking about it. Obviously, it wasn't easy, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

No, but it's the first positive thing.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

So I was angry mostly with my dad. In fact, I don't think I was angry with my mum the entire time she was here.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Because she behaves when she's here.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

Yeah, she's on her best behavior, even though she definitely has her moments as well. Um was angry the first day, and it really did go in a cycle where I was calm for a bit and then super angry again and then frustrated, and then all the body reflections started. So we've talked about reflections before. When I'm talking about body reflections, your body doesn't lie. So even if you want to rationalize that you're not feeling a certain emotion, you are if your body is telling you you are. Because emotions are felt in the body, and the more that you pay attention to your body, the more your body is giving you stuff to pay attention to. Yay, lucky me.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Anyway, so indeed.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

So my experiences, how was I vis-a-vis my dad? Um, very irritable, very snappy a lot of the time, like literally, like I can't be in the same room with you a lot of the time. That's how I am, and I'm gonna go into some of the reasons why I feel like that in a second. Um, and then at other points I was kind of calm and more chilled as I kind of process through things. But coming back to the body reflections, what showed up in my body? I was unable to sleep. So my ability to sleep or not, as soon as I go through a period of not sleeping, I know there is something off. And this is not to do with perimenopause. I've I've done a whole episode on the topic of perimenopause and my thoughts on it. So feel free to listen to that. When my sleep starts to go awry, I know there is something off. Sometimes it's because I don't feel like I deserve to rest, because I'm not being productive enough. Sometimes it's because I'm going through a phase of being a bit with work or whatever, or not feeling fulfilled enough, or in this case, it was to do with the level of anger that I had for certain reasons around everything to do with my parents, but more particularly my dad in this specific time frame and instance. So that was, I guess, point one, point two stomach issues.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Oh, yeah, you had that thing again, didn't you?

SPEAKER_02 16:14

Yes. Um, cleared up quite quickly when I realized kind of what was going on, and I went to my acupuncturist, who is amazing, quite frankly. Um, but stomach holding on to stuff, being unable to let go of things that happened in the past, and obviously stress, anxiety, etc., because it feels like you have children in the house that you didn't sign up for.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Yeah, we did 76-year-old children, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Um, and so there was that kind of anger and stress element as well, which was also kind of feeding into everything else. There was exhaustion because I was just feeling drained. One of the reasons why I was feeling drained was because in my head I was not putting myself first, I was not saying things that I really wanted to say, I was not chucking people out of the house when I could have been chucking them out the house and being like, go off and have a coffee or go and get a poster or whatever and just well, FY that example is is that yesterday we spent literally the whole day recording a bunch of podcasts because we couldn't, well, we didn't allow ourselves to record them whilst they were here. Well, apart from that one hour of one episode.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

So this turned, frankly, all of that spilled through to this week and made this week into a nightmare because it's suddenly like I'm away for 10 days and I was like, shit, I need to do this whole fucking load of recording this week, and that's that's a whole other thing, but it it's also led to other follow-on reflections as well. So for example, tech issues. Um, but the tech issues in my case was this feeling of um my flow being interrupted or other things or people interrupting my flow, and that's exactly how I felt with my parents because I did hardly any stuff for my business whilst they were over, even though I could have done stuff that wasn't recording, but I was just so exhausted, and I was exhausted because I was fighting well, I wasn't sleeping, that never helps. Um, I was fighting a lot of the emotions that was was going on as well, and also allowing some of my dad's anxiety and stress and my mother's as well to just kind of absorb through into me, forcing myself to do things when I didn't feel like doing them until I think it was one of the Saturdays I was here. I was like, right, that's it. I am not doing anything today, I'm not moving, I'm staying in bed. And Richard very kindly took them out for a boat trip.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

Do you know what? That was actually the best day.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

Ironically, I think this is because you didn't observe the dynamic between my father and my and me. Yeah. And therefore, you didn't have like that kind of Well, I'm even annoyed how your father treats his mother.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

He just uh it's just like total lack of respect for me in my eyes. But when we were out, everything seemed normal. Yes, he still spoke with an amazingly loud voice. Um but um had to put a cap on him a couple of times once to try to get uh a waiter's attention, which is but you know, apart from that, it was actually a very pleasant day.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

Yes. So uh before I and I think I'll just kind of follow on to some of the reasons why I felt the that all that anger and resentment. Before I go into that, it's very normal for people to limit exposure to their parents, and I get it. Like after those two weeks, I was like, I feel like if I don't see you for a year now, that would be great.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

No, no, what you actually said was, I think I'm gonna tell him we've moved to a studio apartment with no bedrooms. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what you said.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

I didn't say that, I did say that. Yes, yes, but also I felt like if I don't see you for another year now, that would be totally great for me. Um and Richard, in his two-day post them leaving, Angry Ran, was like, I'm never doing this for two weeks again, never. And so many people will agree and think that's a good idea. And in fact, even my therapist was like, Why the hell didn't you say to them? Didn't you say to them only one week? So I said, I said to Richard, we're not gonna make this decision from an emotionally triggered and angry place. We're going to think about it con calma when the time comes up. But anyway, my point is it's very easy to distance yourself from these challenges because I mean, and I and I get it, it's almost like you can't see the wood for the trees. You're not even looking at any potential learning opportunities just because that person or person's trigger you so fucking much, and there's also a lot of history as well. So in my case, some of the things that I was feeling as a result of my dad being here is I'm forced. Now, well, in fact, this relates to both parents, but I'm forced now to look after you, hold your hands, and like organize activities for you. Think about what you're gonna eat, think about what you're gonna do, blah blah blah blah. Um, so I'm forced to essentially be your parent when you were never good parents. So that was going through my mind. Like I think that was one of the big things. So it was this sense of like real resentment and frustration around feeling forced to, and obviously, no one forced me to because I agreed. I also could have just said, right, you sit there for two weeks, I don't know, do whatever, like go to the coffee shop around the corner, I don't care. Um, so that was one thing. The point around someone having no awareness. I mean, just imagine a person who literally 100% lives in their own world.

SPEAKER_00 23:06

Yeah, he isn't he's on planet, he's in his own specially fabricated planet. He was born with it, and that was it. I mean, I see him do the most this this this he says like excuse me to your mum, and then still managed to barge her out of the way, and she's nearly falling over. Yeah, he just like has no and I don't think it comes from uh any he's not a fucking arsehole who's full of malice. He is, however, a victim. He turned round in the corridor and said, I'm sorry for being old. That's the victim card and the age narrative.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

Oh, so I put him back in his place quite quickly there. And he didn't say it again for the reason why. I said to him, You just went to an 80-year-old's birthday party a week ago, and everyone there was fitter than you, including the man in his 90s, who looked younger than you as well.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

So here's these people showing them what it could be like to your dad, and there's your dad showing us what we shouldn't do.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

Yes, so sorry, on that point. So there's the victim that really annoys me as well. Why does it really annoy me? Because if I'm not careful, I have a tendency to default to that. So I know that's it, and that's fine, you know. Everyone does it every so often, it just depends how long you stay there. But I suppose I could be more loving about that part of myself, and it really irritates me and him. The whole um sitting around in your pajamas for until one o'clock in the afternoon. Until one o'clock in the afternoon really fucking triggered me. Why? Because if I feel like I'm being lazy or unproductive, again, I don't love that. Like, and because I'm seeing it in someone else, and because sometimes I take a rest and think I shouldn't, or sometimes I think I'm not working hard enough, or not producing enough output. So again, when I see it modelled by someone else, it really triggers me.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

It takes it to the extreme.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

Yeah. And that's that's actually in my case, that's what my parents do. They're one of the few people in my my dad specifically is one of the few people in my life that triggers me to a really extreme extent. Um, but yeah, so I was looking at him and I'm like, yeah, I'm aware that I give myself a hard time if I feel like I'm not being productive enough or whatever. And that can also affect my sleep patterns as well, if I feel like I don't deserve to rest.

SPEAKER_00 25:47

You see, listeners, the whole I don't know how long this has been going on for, but this whole half an hour, whatever of what we're learning from these two weeks, stuff we probably couldn't have learnt in one week, because everyone tends to keep their shit together for a week, and then it's the second week when everything starts to unravel, right?

SPEAKER_02 26:10

But yes, I mean I did get a couple of days where I'm like, I'm just not moving, I need to rest. And I insisted on doing that. So I actually did, apart from work, I did put myself first, otherwise. We did sex, we went to the gym, um, I did my Pilates, we did pretty much most of the stuff that we usually did, but I was having the feeling like I wasn't, because it was like again, going back to being triggered by someone that is very selfish, and I feel like they're not supposed to be like that, right?

SPEAKER_00 26:47

But they are, and for a purpose, you know, it's it's that and the purpose is to show me something. Yes, of course, always. This is these are the reflections, they're there for a reason. Maybe this is a contract if you believe, guys, in in this that you choose your parents. Maybe you were there in the in the fucking pre-life saying, okay.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

I haven't actually looked at the soul contract with my dad. I'm just like, do I want to well why not?

SPEAKER_00 27:18

I mean, maybe it's like that he was put on this earth for you could learn, and you've learned you could have gone one or two ways, mate. You could have become either one of your parents, in which case we probably wouldn't be together, but you didn't. You decided to do the opposite. You've you've been on a massive quest of fucking learning since you were small.

SPEAKER_02 27:40

Yes, and I think that's and you have them to thank for that. I always um I always looked at them and thought, I don't want to be like that. And I one of the other dynamics that I'm growing up that I grew up with, which actually is one of the dynamics I've accepted because I can clearly see the lesson from it. But this feeling of being emotionally put on and emotionally burdened at a very young age, and parents telling you things that you really shouldn't know.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:11

Because they needed to dump emotionally on someone, and that made me make a decision in my early 20s. Really, I'm never gonna be that person. I'm not gonna be the person that gets emotionally dumped on. Obviously, that comes with going to the other extreme. It does, but the way you close down, but that's fine as well. I always think pendulum swings are fine as long as you're like, okay, I was there, now I'm there. Now let's look at what balance looks like, which is letting people in, having an open heart, um, being there for people, but with boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

There's one last I mean, even with other people in your life, like your first serious relationship, and you learn immeasurably from that. Yes. You know, then you get turned up with such a fantastic person like me. Yeah, amazing.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

But I don't know, jokes aside, but that was I'm interested in jokes aside as well. Uh uh jokes aside. What joke was that joke?

SPEAKER_00 29:12

The one joke before you started to try and interrupt me again in my flow. The thing is, the last thing that I feel that we have to probably learn is is the emotional neutrality and all of this. How can we diffuse that trigger before it's even begun to not feel triggered anymore? Well and for that we have to invite them back for another two weeks or something.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Well, here's the thing though. Um they in spending this intense time with them, they make me intensely aware of where I'm imbalanced. Another example is my dad consistently asking me, Why don't you have any calls today? I was like, Are you?

SPEAKER_00 29:51

He does speak like that.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

I was like, I've never done calls every day, like ever.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

He's taking an interest, he thinks he's taking an interest.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

No, no, no, but he just so he'll randomly ask the same question again and again. He never listens to the answer and then asks the same question again. But that makes me think about okay, so what is this pointing to that I'm giving myself a hard time about? And again, like because I'm pivoting the business up at the moment, I am doing less calls because I am doing other things. I'm like, oh, okay, I'm probably giving myself a hard time about.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

Well, you made a conscious decision to stop calls for a couple of months.

SPEAKER_02 30:34

Yes, I did, apart from certain things. I took on like, let's say, new creative projects during that time. Yeah. But um this kind of intense period with them just brings to the surface all of my imbalances. It certainly gave me uh an opportunity to tune into my body more as well, be like, what the hell is going on with you, body? Um, and in doing so, it does tend to have a knock-on impact with the relationship I have with my family. Because actually, actually, believe it or not, sometimes he is more aware than other times, and that is because yeah, not when he's on holiday here. Okay, right.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

When I'm in life, I've yet to experience that.

SPEAKER_02 31:30

Some of the times I'm there, he's in his own world, some of the times he's not. But whether he is or isn't is usually a reflection of what's going on with me or not at the time.

SPEAKER_00 31:41

I understand that.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

So that's why, as annoying as he is, um, because I view the relationship different and I see it more as a learning experience, I feel happier in general. And what it also does, this intense period, is draw my attention to unresolved past traumas.

SPEAKER_01 32:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

So there was a lot to work through, and a lot of a lot of work has gone into doing it, but there are still sore points, and I think one of those is this feeling of I have to look after you when you never looked after me. Yeah, that's still a sore point.

SPEAKER_00 32:26

Yeah, and that's normal. I mean, my final reflection from your dad, because oh, yeah, so you need to talk about your dad, don't you? Yeah, I mean, look, I for two days I I ranted to say I've never done that before. Like I said before, normally as soon as they leave, I would pop open a bottle of champagne, literally. And I just felt super angry for at least a couple of days afterwards until Sarah turned around and said, For fuck's sake, you're really pissing me off now.

SPEAKER_02 32:59

No, I I also said just deal with whatever your shit is.

SPEAKER_00 33:02

Yeah, but I was sitting there going, I don't know what shit I'm trying to deal with here then. So, and then Sarah turned around because she is kind of a master reflections decoder. She said, Well, your dad really wasn't a very good dad, was he? And I went, Fuck me. He he I love my dad. I can pretty much talk to him about everything. He's the coolest dad. However, he abandoned me when I was two years old.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

And he let's face it, he continued that.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

And he continued that his wife, um, of 40 years, and she is a she's uh what I consider to be an alcoholic, and uh whenever she drinks Which is every day increasing. No, no, but I mean it in stop getting triggered by her. Um she can turn really nasty, and last time I said I can't come here anymore because you know I I I know you don't like confrontation. I would have fucking smacked her already, to be honest, metaphorically. I'll never hit a woman unless she hit me first.

SPEAKER_01 34:17

What? That's so me. And you I get a reaction from practice hissing you now just to test that.

SPEAKER_00 34:24

Anyway, um and he said, Okay, um, we'll just continue this telephonically. To which I thought, okay, I understand someone um choosing his spouse first. Okay, I kind of I always try and understand someone's train of thought before getting angry these days. Um I try, it doesn't always work. Um and he's my only kind of parent that I have left as well. And I did think afterwards, you know what, you're a bit of a pussy, you're a coward. You could have come to see me, you could have come to our wedding. He came to the uh the civil service, but he didn't stay in the room. Because you can't you can't just can't let you can't leave her alone for more than a couple of days uh or an hour, apparently. Yeah, or an hour, yeah. You just being yeah, yeah. Um can't leave her alone for any sort of two, three days because it's I don't know what the dynamic is, and I don't much care. But you know, it turns out he wasn't a great dad. And my mother forced him. She said, You want to see your son, you every fucking Saturday. This is when I was tiny or small, I was two, three, you will come and see your son. If you don't, I will take him away from you. You will be your father to your son. I don't care if you've been out on Friday night and got fucked up, drunk. I don't care. You will come and take your son for Saturday, every Saturday without fail. And I thank my mother to this day for that.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

Your mum is worthy of a lot of respect. She is I have a one who drove me crazy. I have a huge amount of respect.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

She she she I'm I miss her dearly.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

Um buttons I miss her too, telling me that my butt's big.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

I fucking know when she first said that. Oh god. Anyway, so um this whole thing about I was ranting, going, Yeah, your dad's just shit, dad. He's looking look as how he's reduced you to a fucking pile of rubble after him being here for two weeks.

SPEAKER_02 36:37

He's you were sitting there sort of like oh yeah, I was in like some kind of coma.

SPEAKER_00 36:41

Yeah, you're in like some kind of coma. So and and you said, Well, how about your dad? And I just made I put two and two together and thought, oh yeah, yeah. Um, my dad. Really? Especially in the last ten years, wasn't a good dad. As much as I love him.

SPEAKER_01 37:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

So basically all of what I think we're going well into 40-45 minutes there, but I think what all of this is really it's really been a a lesson, no matter how difficult, we learn about ourselves so much if we're open to listening to our bodies, listening to or seeing what the reflection is, because everything is a fucking reflection, it's either a good one or a bad one. We are the crazy. Okay, well, let's not get into sort of esoteric subjects now. Um, so yeah, um, and I'm happy, open brackets, not happy, to have him back another couple of weeks because your dad will not travel for less than two weeks. Yes, we're unless you tell him we're living in a studio.

SPEAKER_02 37:56

Yeah, I still might use that. And thank you to any friend that was there for me when I was like bitching constantly about them. Thanks for thanks for listening. Yeah. Um, but again, in it's easy in retrospect to see the lessons. Sometimes you can't see it in this thick of things.

SPEAKER_00 38:18

Well, this is where the emotional neutrality work needs to come in. I mean, we know we've really learned everything we can. If we can take whatever he has to show us, or we resolve these reflections and he doesn't show them to us anymore. And if he does, we're just completely emotionally neutral about them.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

I think uh maybe let's just end with a a way of looking at maybe uh maybe let's just end with a way of looking at it. Um, and this is kind of a uh psychological tool, um, but it's also spiritual in a lot of ways as well. Whatever really irritates you in other people is usually something present within yourself that you don't like, and everything in you, the good inverted commas and the bad, is perfect and lovable, even the selfish parts, even the angry parts, even the malicious parts, it's all part of you. So that that can be one reason why we're super triggered by other people. So you can use that or some variation of that to be like, okay, what is going on? Why is this particular thing bothering me so much? It can also be due to a need not being met. So in my case, feeling like a parent parental role looks different or should look different, and being annoyed that it isn't.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:58

And so again, what can you do about that? It's useless trying to expect my dad to change, all I can do is change myself. So if I feel like um he doesn't look after himself, well, I can make doubly sure to look after myself.

SPEAKER_00 40:18

Exactly. Yeah. Here endeth the lesson.

SPEAKER_02 40:24

Here endeth the lesson. So follow us for part billion of this when they come to stay for two weeks next year. Well, we actually don't know where we'll be in a year from now, anyway. We could be living in a studio in the Amazon, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 40:37

Uh doubtful.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

But the Amazon's very nice.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

A studio.

SPEAKER_02 40:42

Well, no, I mean the Amazon. It would it would be more like a cabin, probably, but well, definitely. It's not like they have studio apartments in the Amazon.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Okay, now you're rambling. Okay, everyone, goodbye. Lots of love. Hope you enjoyed the episode.

SPEAKER_02 40:56

Oh, wait.

SPEAKER_00 40:57

What?

SPEAKER_02 40:58

We should also remind everyone that if you like this show and you get a lot of value from it, please do share with a friend so that we can help the word get out there.

SPEAKER_00 41:10

There you go. So go do it now. Bye.

unknown 41:12

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 41:14

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