Episode 40: Let Me Introduce You To Fandalf

The Body Doesn’t Lie – The Genital Whisperer
 In this last podcast episode before our summer break, we talk about disconnection from your body and your genitals and why pushing through and having sex anyway is a bad idea!
In this episode, we talk about:

•  Using substances as a way to disconnect from your body and “get in the mood”
• The cumulative effect of ignoring the signs that your genitals are giving you –disconnection and desensitization
•  Each time we say yes, when we mean no, we’re compounding the problem.
•  Recognising the signs.
•  Using your genitals to understand your emotional imbalances and blocks.

We want to hear your thoughts and questions, so if there's anything you would like us to cover on the show, please drop us a line on info@thebone-zone.com 
And if you want to check out Sara’s solo podcast, The Mind Body Spirit Accelerator – where she gives you simple neuroscience-based tips (that actually work) to create the life you want, you can check it out on:
Spotify: 

https://open.spotify.com/show/033kZ5sPIbZkkQe6j6xJkH?si=99231cc2e65c4d8a or
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mind-body-spirit-accelerator/id1896793868

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to the Bone Zone. I'm Sarah.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

And I'm Richard.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

And in this podcast, we excavate sex and relationship myths and uncover the truth of how it all really works. We bridge the esoteric and practical worlds to bring you grounded, sage, and tangible advice and tools, whether you're looking to attract a soulmate relationship or grow and expand within an existing one.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Good. Whatever.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

What are you not going to do? No, I can't be bothered. Good afternoon, good evening.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

No, I can't be bothered. Time is of the essence today.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Time is of the essence and it's hot.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Since we are wanting to give you this last uh podcast before we go on holiday.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Well, summer holidays.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Well, what holiday do you think it was going to be?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Well, I mean, like if someone's listening in South America, it's winter.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Okay, but a holiday's a holiday. Anyway, moving on swiftly.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Uh we will probably be back again after the break around probably mid-September-ish, maybe. Maybe before if we're inspired.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

We do have a guest or two. Um, I think we would that would make a really good fit for this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:24

Oh, right, yes. Um, we have a guest coming on to talk about conscious celibacy.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Uh not uh conscious celibacy, then that means um not okay. Now I'm trying to find my words here. Not having sex because of some narrative, but she's because she is actually chosen to experience and to um be celibate for a little while. So she's gonna be coming on to explain.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

It's not like that was implied by conscious celibacy, but okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Well, I don't know. There's some people, you know, all these new uh buzzwords going around. I don't think people know what the fuck to think these days.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Well, actually, it's true. It's true, it's always important to define everything.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

Exactly. Did we not talk about definition last week or the week before? Yes, we did.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Um, but actually, so there is a topic that came to my mind yesterday um as a close-out topic before the summer holidays. And uh let's set the context.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

So we were watching this I don't oh yes, that yes, right.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

We were watching the Spanish comedy series called Alpha Males or Machos Alpha.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

See.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Um basically there's five seasons, it's about the deconstruction of what the programme defines as toxic masculinity, but it's basically pretty much turning men into women. That's a whole other story.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Yeah, it was actually, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

It's a very funny series, I do recommend it. Um, and most of the characters in there are pretty repellent anyway. Yes, they are in but in a funny way, yeah. Anyway, so in the last few episodes of season five, one of the characters who's sworn off women because he's like, I just can't do emotions, so I'm holding myself back from love. He starts basically seeing a prostitute regularly. Whilst being heteroflexible, yes, which basically means that he's having sex with this guy as well.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Uh, but he doesn't count that because he's heteroflexible. Anyway, so I'm zeroing in on something very interesting that happened with the prostitute because basically every time she has sex with him, he's like, Oh, did you enjoy it? She's like, Yeah, honey, it was great. I came like three times, and then they found like this review site of I didn't even know prostitute review sites were. Well, maybe it wasn't invented, but anyway, but anyway, all of her clients were like, Yeah, she's great, she always enjoys it so much and comes at least three times. Um, I'm getting to the point here. The point was one of those uh one of the times he's um about to have sex with her, he goes into the bathroom and she's there snorting what I think was cocaine.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

It was cocaine, yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

And um he's like, but why do you take drugs? I thought you love having sex, and she gets super defensive and is like, stop lecturing me and blah blah blah blah. Um, but she eventually says something that really played on my mind, which was really interesting to me, and that was I have to take drugs, otherwise my body would say no.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Okay, repeat that.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

I have to take drugs to have sex, uh well, I presume with clients, although I don't know if she meant everyone, but I have to take drugs otherwise my body would say no.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

And that that really struck me a lot because I think we've talked about in the past every time you have sex when you don't want to, you are traumatizing your yoni. You're closing her down a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more over time, and that's how women end up with completely desensitized and numb vaginas because of the cumulative effect of shutting down and overriding her and your body in general. And it's also interesting because how many people do that through substances, like whether it's alcohol, whether it's drugs, whether it's I don't, I don't even like mushrooms. I wouldn't even count mushrooms as a substance, any kind of substance. Basically, to get your body to comply to something that it might because there's a reason why you're tense in the first place. Exactly. So to get your body to comply with something that it wouldn't comply with, and that's case in point why most of us have no awareness of our own emotional imbalances or feelings because we are completely disconnected from our body in a lot of cases, very deliberately.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Oh, were you waiting for me to come in this? I didn't even put my hand up this time. Oh, I agree with absolutely a hundred percent with all you just said. I have nothing to add. I don't think that needs any addition. I just agree. People, I mean, I you've heard this story from me before. I was absolutely the definition or the male definition of it, where I would uh think myself to be uh the world's greatest lover because I was doing ecstasy or because I was doing this drug or that drug. Never alcohol in those days, but then when I stopped taking drugs, alcohol took over, and and one day I just realized when I stopped doing all those substances altogether, or at least stopped doing well, I still drink a glass of wine from time to time, I was left galloping up diarrhoea drive without a saddle.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

What? What does that even mean?

SPEAKER_00 8:11

I know it's an expression that I just invented, I'm gonna keep it. Oh, right, because I very like it. I like it a lot. I was I was left like out in the cold. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I felt really did feel a disconnect with my body.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Literally, I did not know what to do anymore.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Well, I mean, that's not entirely true. You did remember how to have sex. Yes, I didn't remember how to say it's like I've forgotten how my penis works without drugs or alcohol.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

Well, um kind of. I came up with all these stories. I'm desensitized because of this, because of circumcision, nothing creating a whole load of excuses as to why looking back now, I wasn't performing, and I don't mean performing as in acting out, and I mean performing as in being intimate, really. I suppose that's that's what I mean by it.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Yes, you you did talk a lot about being desensitized, but I think the truth was you were disconnected.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Yes. And looking back, that's exactly what it felt.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

And now that we will never well, we never have sex in conjunction with any substances at all, it's very obvious what's going on, and it can get quite uncomfortable at times. So we made up this joke the other day, which I think I'll share here because it's quite funny. Um, I don't know if you've seen Lord of the Rings, anyone listening, but um if you have, you'll know this. And if not, there's a wizard in there called Gandalf, who and there's a scene in one of the films where he's facing off against a shadow ancient shadow monster or something like that called the Balrog. And uh he basically just stands in the creature's way and is like, You shall not pass, you shall and he just screams that for like a few minutes.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

Anyway, so it's very much like that now with my Yoni. So we've called my Ioni when she's like, uh-uh no, Fandalf. Again, I need to explain that. Fanny is vagina in the UK, although I know it means but in the US, but that's like the context around that.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Let's just go a bit deeper here, no pun intended. Let me just interrupt you for one second.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

When Fandalf is in operation, nothing passed.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

Yes, I was sitting there and I said, She's not allowing me in, and then I looked at her.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Probably me or her?

SPEAKER_00 11:04

No, I looked at you from I poked my head up from between your legs. I mean, we may as well just tell it the way what what it was, and I looked at you and I said, You shall not pass. And we just laughed for like fucking half an hour in bed.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Yeah, yeah, we literally did.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

And then and then she did let Fandolf pass.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Well, so so this happens from time to time, um, due to something that's blocking me, some emotion I'm ignoring or repressing, something that I have not dealt with, it shows up in my body in general, but very obviously in my vagina because I am actually now connected to it most of the time. I won't say all the time, because I also still very much have a tendency to get up in my head and stay there.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Really? You're shitting me.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

But um, when connected to her, I can feel it, and sometimes I will still try and force it because that's my been my modus operandi for so long. Force, push through, push, just keep pushing. Um, which when I try and do it now, it does generally not lead down a particularly good road, it just draws out whatever challenge I'm facing. And so when faced with a fandal scenario or your body not wanting to have sex, it's far better to ask yourself some questions than it is to try and force it.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Yeah, but no one really wants to do that, or they're too afraid to do that. It's quite you know I can imagine it. Well, I mean, something that would have stressed me out years ago to sort of sit there and have a talk about why either person is resistant to having sex. Let's talk about that. It's like, oh no, I'd rather have a drink, loosen you up, and then fuck you.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

And that's basically Yeah, no, I mean that's by far the easier option.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

And also like the more comfortable option for a loss of people.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

Yes, it was for me for many years, and probably for you as well.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

Oh yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

You know, we we when we first met, we we drank, we did substances, although you never really did them like a m like I did.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

I was never big into it, but I dabbled a bit at Yeah but at the time it was fun.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Until we realized, or you realised it first, I think, that um that it's not the way forward.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

This is the thing with the spiritual path. Sorry, I hate the word spiritual. In fact, I'm not apologizing that word.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Growth path.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

The growth path, sometimes it is sometimes when I'm going through something emotionally, I'm like, wow, I just really like to block this out and not think about it. Because that's how I always survived when I was growing up. I was like, let's just blot this out and not think about it.

unknown 14:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

And then when I hit my twenties, I started to numb it out with my with pretty much mostly alcohol.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Um, so it is something that became familiar and comfortable, far more comfortable than sitting with emotions. And even though now I know the benefits of doing that, I will still sometimes avoid that.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

Yeah, but it doesn't make you know, it doesn't mean it's easier, it gets easier over time. But I mean I think when we first started the this um kind of work together, it was fucking ugh, it was nerve-wracking for me. Like, oh god, we're gonna have to sit and talk about why my dick isn't working tonight. And it's like, no, but seriously, seriously. Okay, this is gonna be too much information for you all, but I really don't give a fuck. So this is for you guys. When how do you think I felt when Sarah would give me a blowjob and my dick would go soft? Okay. How do you think I felt? It felt awful. And furthermore, I had to sit there and talk about why or what I'm feeling, because I would hold myself accountable, and Sarah would also turn around and say, What do you think that's all about? And I'm like going, fuck you. I just want you to go hard, you little fucker. And I was sit there actually insult my dick, which is that's not having a connection with your genital area, which is no no no, that's a bad road getting to criticizing your genital.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

It's like criticizing yourself in general, it's ready every day.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

No, jokes apart, but it it it was so embarrassing for me, and I felt really super uncomfortable. But anyway, um, I'm sorry if that was too much inform. Actually, I'm not sorry. I think it needs to be not sorry. So I'm not sorry at all. Things like this need to be said, and guys, if any guys are listening who um have ever experienced that, then it's because of that, is you're disconnected anyway. Back to the conversation. So, yes, so it can happen also with men, but a lot of the time it does uh actually affect women more, this thing of maybe uh locking up because there's something that's impeding the body to loosen up to have sex.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Well, first of all, like even okay, if you're taking substances or alcohol, whatever, we've talked about that, but if you're not, there's a lot of women that still try and override it as well. Um if you're dry down there, if you're tensed up down there, it's for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

So go there.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Go to that place of discomfort.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Go to that discount.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

It's quite therapeutic actually because it does make the sex so much better.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

And like literally, there is no sort of place to get to here. It's not like, oh right, I'm here now, this is the end, and nothing will ever come up again. Things will always come up. So this is a good process to build into your let's call it itinerary to make sure that you know you're consistently moving forward.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Yeah, I'd absolutely agree with that.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

Right, I think I think actually that's good. It's a good ending for our summer break.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

A short but sweet one. There you go. And um I wish you all an excellent August, wherever you may be, whether it's winter or summer, there you go.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

Indeed, and I hope to see you somewhat more refreshed in September.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

And uh with that being said, big hug to you all, and uh we'll come back in September.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Thank you. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

We'd like to thank you for tuning in and listening to this episode today. If you like what you heard, I invite you to follow our show. And if you really liked our show, head over and leave a review on your podcast app of choice. We also want to hear your thoughts and questions. So if there's anything you would like us to cover on the show, please drop us a line on the email below. Thank you for listening, and until next time.