Doing the Things We Struggle to Do For Ourselves

We've talked together previously about blocks that stop us from doing what we know we need, in all areas of our lives. On this episode, we touch back on some of our struggles and Aliza shares some of the shifts she's experienced recently that have helped her move forward.

We talk about:

• The fear that something we're counting on to help us won't really help
• How do we not lose hope?
• Being gentle with ourselves and not self-blaming
• How emotions, overwhelm, fear all play into our blocks - sometimes we can't handle even one more thing to do
• Blocks are not self-sabotage - there are legitimate and valid reasons for them
• The work that we do on ourselves and our belief systems doesn't always show up immediately with the results we want, but it's the foundation for allowing obstacles to clear - the layers that build on each other are the magic
• Change isn't linear, and we can fluctuate between the different stages of change
• We don't have to beat ourselves up about not making a change sooner...we can be proud of ourselves for the change happening when it did
• The relief that finally comes with acceptance

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Resistance in Self-Care
01:27 Understanding Personal Blocks to Health
04:19 Exploring Emotional Connections to Health Decisions
08:07 The Role of Self-Sabotage in Healing
10:34 The Journey of Letting Go and Moving Forward
13:04 Stages of Change in Personal Growth
15:51 Acceptance and Non-Attachment to Outcomes
19:02 Finding Freedom in Acceptance
26:44 Conclusion and Future Outlook

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Real women.

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Real talk. Real messy. This is Messy Midlife. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to Messy Midlife. Hi, ladies. Hi. So a few weeks ago, we were talking about these blocks that we get to doing things that we know are good for us. Even if it's really easy, really simple. Eliza, it was something that was really on your mind because you shared that there were a couple of different medications that you have access to waiting and that you were dragging around with you to all different parts of Southern California, but still just couldn't get yourself to take. And that conversation took a little bit of a sidestep because we ended up going into a very important and somewhat related conversation about the things that we need to be able to receive from ourselves and from other people about things in our life. And it we ended up going into relationships. So I know that there's been a few shifts in that with you. And I thought maybe we could go back and revisit starting from the place that we started that conversation, which was the resistance that we feel as humans to things that we know we need to do or that have the possibility to help us feel better and yet not doing them, even when it's something as simple as giving yourself an injection of something or taking a medication, something that doesn't even require like blocking out an hour of your day. So Elisa, can you just give us a reminder of where you were at with that before we and then like we'll I think we can share a little bit of our own experiences too before we go through the where you're at now? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

I mean, I think it's been for me a challenge with kind of putting myself first because I haven't for so long. So my needs physically, mentally, emotionally have taken a back seat for the last years, a few years. And so I got to a place where I had the time and energy and space, not necessarily bandwidth, but I had the space to focus on myself and to do things that were helpful for me. But I wasn't doing them. And so there were two things that were specifically in my mind. One was a peptide injection. You know, I have really severe arthritis and a lot of joint pain and have torn both knees multiple times and probably need a replacement in one of my knees. And I have this injectable that can be really helpful with that. It can also be really helpful with inflammation in general. Umce last March. And then I have another one, GLP1 GIP support that can be really helpful for weight, inflammation, pain. And again, I've had that in my fridge for not quite a year, but about four months. And I just wasn't doing it. I don't know why. I was just, I was like in this stuck place. And so what you're referring to, Jen, was you know, I packed everything up and got needles and syringes and the bacteriostatic water to inject into the vials. And I put everything in a box and a bag and a cooler, and I drove it to Palm Springs when I was going to help with my my stepdad in the hospital and sat in the fridge there for a week and a half, and then I rub it back home and it went back into my fridge here and haven't touched it. And I don't know, I was like, why am I not doing this thing that could be potentially helping me? And another friend asked about it, like, Oh, are you? Did you start it? I'm like, no, she said, why? I don't know. Like, there was just like something there. And so I was actually talking to my therapist about it two weeks ago. And I thought, maybe am I scared that this thing that I am really hopeful that this will make a big difference and help with how my body is feeling? Am I scared that it's not going to work? And then I have this kind of hope set aside for it to make my body feel better and to have more ease with movement and less pain. And then if it doesn't work, I don't know what I have to look to. And maybe that's a piece of it, but there was definitely a really big block there. It it wasn't logical, it didn't make sense why I wasn't doing this thing.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

I think it's not completely illogical because you have tried things, many, many, many things in the last four years that should have helped and didn't. Yes. And so let's be gentle with yourself there. There's a lot of things that we get we get let down enough with something, or we're disappointed enough that how much tolerance do we have for one more thing that could possibly disappoint us?

SPEAKER_00 5:01

That I feel like you kind of hit the nail on the head with that one. It's like I feel like the last four years of my life have been being let down in lots of different ways. But initially with the business, one of the first business I had created with a partner in a relationship, it was just a lot of expectations of getting back what I put in and then being hugely disappointed and let down.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

And it's not just that, legitimately, medications that should be helping you have not.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Yeah. Although, you know, I don't feel the emotional sting with the medications like I do with the other stuff. And this was definitely more, I felt like emotional. I mean, I can kind of look at that now. It was definitely more emotional with why I wasn't doing it, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

I feel like I've definitely had some times where I'm finding myself withholding, and it's not always necessarily emotional. Sometimes it's just feeling maybe, maybe overwhelmed, like something as simple as doing 10 minutes of stretching, like that. I used to be so happy to do, but just making myself stretch is just probably the most important thing I can do for preventing some really long-term stuff with like the arthritis that's trying to start in my body, uh, the osteoarthritis side of things, but it's just a really, really hard thing for some reason to make myself do. And I don't know that I can even say that it's disappointment. So it's interesting that it's a disappointment and emotional for you and that it's connected to other things. And I think for me, it's like task. It's like one more thing that I have to do that feels like a check it off. And how quickly can I get through this? Because it's a thing that's preventing me from doing a thing that I want to do. And so it feels like maybe for me, it's a mindset thing. So maybe it is emotional and about how I'm feeling about how little time I have for the things I want to do versus the things I have to do. And maybe that's where the resistance is coming.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

I love that we're talking about this because the phrase that comes to mind that has always been really annoying to me in the medical and even psychological world sometimes is self-sabotage. I hate that phrase because who does that? Who does that on purpose, right? And what we're talking about, and boy, can I relate to both of your stories, is there's always a reason why something isn't flowing and a legitimate, valid reason that needs to be addressed, whether it is coming from a logical, you know, practical, strategic place or an emotional one, it's still an obstacle that our bodies are asking us, our minds are asking us to identify and to spend time with before we can do the next thing. So it's not like we're digging our heels in just because it's fun. You know, that's always that's a pet peeve of mine. I don't believe that self-sabotage exists. It is just our bodies and our minds saying, hey, there's something we need to address before that makes sense for us to do. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

Well, so that's actually, I mean, that's what came up for me this last weekend was like there there was a block. So I was, I was actually at a friend's house and who's older. She's very much like mom energy, mom relationship. And so I was telling her about this, you know, same thing. I've had these in my fridge. I don't know what's keeping me from doing them. And her daughter actually has used both of those things and feels so much better and had a lot of similar kind of joint stuff and has been telling me forever how much better she feels on it. And so we were just talking about it. She's like there's there's a block there. And I was like, I know, I just I don't know what that block is. Like it's very clear there's something there that's keeping me from doing it, but I I don't know what that is. And it was interesting. I was kind of talking about it. We weren't exploring what the block could be. We weren't going into detail. It was just, I have these, I want to do them, I have everything to do it, and and I'm not. And she's my friend's really amazing. She does reflexology and energy work, and she's she's just very, very cool and loving and heart forward and amazing. And so I got home, was at her house for a few hours and got home, and I was like, I'm gonna do these. And I pulled them out of the fridge, and I, of course, couldn't find the whole kit I put together with all of the different size syringes and needles and all of that that I dragged out to Palm Springs and back with me. Have no idea where that is. Um went into the garage and, you know, got the my box of medical stuff and my, you know, things that were in there and reconstituted and did my first injections on Saturday evening. So I texted her after and I said, just thank you for helping me clear whatever that block was. You know, I did just did the injections and and she wrote back and said, I think it was about moving on, which is really interesting. You know, with like life transitions, it's like, okay, this is part of the next step of actually having the time and energy and space to focus on myself. And so there was something there about like moving on from everything that had been keeping me from doing that. So I just thought it was really I thought it was really interesting because that wasn't in all the times I've thought about it and in all the times I've talked about it, um that didn't really come up for me.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

So and it was interesting that you're not even having really to talk about it with her. It was just like, okay, let's we used to go, like, you know, get it out of there, you know. And that's kind of what it felt like.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

Aliza, I'd like to name something that you haven't mentioned, which is you've been really dedicated to doing a lot of work on releasing. And so it sounds like, and I love that you have this friend, and she is clearly magical. And we don't want to take away from the fact that that was a really special conversation and experience that you had, and you've been diligently addressing a lot, and all of that starts to build, and then you have that moment, you know, that magical moment with that special person that just helps to bring it all together. But if you hadn't been doing all of these other things, that magical moment would have been magical in a different way. It wouldn't have landed this way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

I have been doing a lot on all different levels with letting go and moving forward and focusing on myself and clearing out what is not helpful and what I do not want in my world and my life and my being anymore. So thank you for saying that.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

And it's important to address because I oftentimes will hear people come in and say, Oh my gosh, this work, you know, I would have never been able to do this with another provider. And it's like, we wouldn't be able to do this work if you hadn't been doing that work with your other providers. You know, these are layers that we work on little by little, and all of it is meaningful and all of it is important even when you can't, even when it doesn't look like things are moving, one day it's just gonna happen. And you are very dedicated to healing and you're very dedicated to chipping away at your your recovery, you know, which is I think a big part of midlife. It's a big leap recovery. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Well, I think another thing that's really important to point out is that we're getting to see sort of in real time-ish, the stages of change that you talked about so much when we first brought this to the table and our conversation, Karen, that that you talked about, I don't remember all of them. It was like pre-contemplation, contemplation, action, something. I don't remember what they all are. Um I mean, you did pretty well.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

Uh pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and then maintenance. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

So I missed the preparation and the maintenance. I knew we were getting there somewhere. And Aliza, you went through all of those, those first three, like the pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, and then went back to contemplation. And then you were back and forth between these different stages of change. So it's not linear. And we get to see that played out in this scenario, how non-linear it is, the multiple different times you bounced around in those first three stages to consider doing it, to get the supplies, to all of the stuff, right? And then you got to the place that the change happened and the action happened. And you don't, you didn't plan for it. There wasn't like a process to get you there. And you can't even identify even today what it was that made that feel more accessible to you. Yeah. And so I think that's something that is just really important for all of us to remember is that even if we've got like a really clear reason, how many times do people say, I need to change this in my diet, I need to change this in my exercise routine, I need to change this about my sleep, whatever. And we get something that is a concrete indicator, like a red flag, a warning symbol, a warning sign that says, you need to take the steps to do this because things aren't going the way you want them to, and we still can't do it. We still stay stuck in those earlier stages of change. And then something that seems unrelated, unimportant, indefinable happens. And then suddenly we're able to actually make that change that you would think that the warning sirens, red flags, spinning lights, and everything would have made you change three months ago. That we just can't always prepare for it. The thing that we think might give us that that nudge, that final nudge, might not actually give us the final nudge. And it's sometimes just about the right set of circumstances, the right maybe you got enough sleep that night that you were willing to consider it. Maybe we've talked through it enough, like Karen said, the work that you've done has built up to there. And who knows? But it's like undefinable, and that's just the way things work.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

There's something to be said about like a perfect storm in a beneficial way, right? Because how many times you got up really close to that action stage, but a life circumstance completely rerouted everything. And this time maybe it was, you know, better night's sleep and a perfect storm in a beneficial way.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

Well, and it's I think it's interesting because of course, you know, the one of the first things I thought after, oh my god, I'm so glad I did this was why didn't I do this before? And I could have had all the the benefits of this for the last four months. But I actually, you know, where I used to get stuck in that place, where it used to be like very easy for me to sit in that place and get stuck and swirl around there and bounce around there, I didn't. I was like, well, I didn't. So for whatever reason, Saturday was the day. I mean, I don't have any big understanding of it other than that, right? Like it just it happened when it was going to happen. And I didn't beat myself up about it. I didn't sit there and go, like, God, oh, I'm so dumb. Why didn't I? I just I didn't do that, which was actually felt really, really good and really positive to not stay in that place. It was like, it was more like a fleeting thought, which, you know, is not typically how my mind works, unless it's like tasks I have to do, then it's like, well, forgot about that. But yeah, it felt, it felt really good to not get stuck there.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

And that grace and self-compassion is what the work does. It helps to grow that muscle of self-compassion and grace so that we can shift into action stage because that's guilt and rumination often is what keeps us in that spiral of contemplation and drains our energy that we need to be able to jump into the action stage. So that's it's a perfect representation of where the energy you've been investing in your healing showed up.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

I think there's also like a big component with all of it. And I think this is something that when we're younger, we we don't have as much of, and that's like the acceptance of where we are and how things are. You know, I said when I was at this friend's house, we were just talking about life and relationships and past stuff, and I said, This isn't a lesson I needed to learn in my mid-40s. I don't know why it had to happen this big and this crazy. Like, I didn't need this to happen. And then I just sat for a second and I said, but I guess it did because it happened. Yeah, it did. It did have to happen. I wish it didn't, but it happened. So clearly it it had to. And I think that's something that as we get older, we're more accepting of too is well, this didn't need to happen for me to learn this. And now it's like, well, yes, but it did. Because that's exact, that's exactly how it happened.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

I think we can even let go of the whether it needed to happen or not and just leave it at it happened. But that's what I mean.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Like, yeah, it doesn't matter whether we think it needed to or not. It might.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Yeah, but I'm I'm this is me trying to step away from my own toxic positivity and toxic optimism where I try to find meaning in something that was hard or challenging or that I didn't want to have happen. And it having that ability to do that does help me when I'm going through a hard thing and knowing, okay, something good is going to come from this that wouldn't have happened without this other thing. But I think there's also some things in life that just come up that we don't even have to go to that toxic optimist place that instead of this needed to happen, and I had to go through this suffering because I think sometimes that can harm us in the future with how we relate to things too, where we accept things that maybe we don't have to accept because if we are spinning things in our brain, oh, this other thing happened that was that we had to have happen and now because it because it showed up. And that's the only reason I'm bringing up like if I'm trying to let go of that, where I can just say, whether it had to happen or not, it did. Whether I wanted it to happen or not, it did. And now what? So for me, just like removing the emotions and the judgment and trying to have it make sense sometimes actually gives me a lot of relief. But I'm also the one who thinks that, you know, the whole Stardust thing, that if I think that none of this actually matters in the end of the day, that gives me so much relief. So maybe that's not gonna work for everybody. Maybe everybody needs to have meaning for it. For me, meaningless makes things feel better.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

I mean, I certainly don't have any emotional connection to it. Like it had to happen for this other thing too. Like I would have been fine with it not happening. That's what I'm saying. Like it did. I don't have control over it. It's not that, oh, I can see that there was a reason. F that. Sorry. No, don't feel that way at all. I would have been totally fine living my life without that. But it did. So what am I gonna do about it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

I'm curious. You said something earlier about the very brief, thankfully, moment that you had where you were thinking, why didn't I do this earlier? I could have had four months of benefits. And it made me wonder where you're at now in this moment with attachment to the outcome because it's still a question mark of what benefits you're gonna have from it, if any. So where are you at with attachment to the outcome?

SPEAKER_00 21:00

I'm just kind of curious about it right now. I mean, I'm hopeful. I'm definitely hopeful. But like you said, I've done enough things that haven't given me the results I've wanted. And I've moved on from that. So I don't feel like all my eggs are in this basket. And for me, that is a hard, I don't know if it's a mindset or a way of being, but that's a hard thing for me that I've worked through a lot is like everything that works for everyone else doesn't work for me. That's something that I have had in my in my being for like years and years and years, probably lifetimes to be honest. And so I'm really trying to not think that way and just say, Well, I guess I'll see how this works, but not like if it doesn't, I'm ruined. I know that there are still other things out there, and for me right now, just the actual like action step makes me feel so much better than anything else. You chose yourself. Yeah, exactly. And that for me is what I'm feeling really good about right now.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

I think that you not having a strong attachment to it probably also helped you with making that leap from preparation to action because this is probably the first time that I've heard you talk about the stuff that you're dealing with physically from a greater place of acceptance rather than fighting against it. And I wonder how much of the resistance to the problem helped you be able to embrace a possible solution to the problem and to have this loose hold on it that you do rather than it being like an iron grip. This has to work, this has to make this better because I have to get out of this place that I'm in.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

Yeah, you know, it's so funny. I was going to bed last night and I looked in my kitchen. There's a bottle of vinegar on the counter that I throw in the dishwasher when I run a load. It's not in its place in the garage. And there's silverware that's drying on the counter that's not put away. And there's a piece of paper on the other part. These things that in my past lives, or in this life, in my past reiterations, I would have looked at that and been like, I cannot function. I looked on the butcher's block and there's grocery bags that need to be taken out to the car. These things were, I would have not been able to function with things not being in their place and things being kind of messy. I was like, yeah, okay, you know. Um, and I feel like that more looseness with just my life in general is part of that too. The not having to have everything be perfect all the time and looked perfect all the time and feel perfect is very big thing for me. A little bit more acceptance of myself right now, too, where five years ago I would have been losing my mind. And now I'm like, okay, no, this is this is what it is, right? And I think there's a real freedom in that mentally. I was thinking back to, I think I told you guys when I was cleaning out my house and stuff, you know, I found notebooks of for years where I weighed myself in the morning and I had the date and my weight. I don't even know how many hundreds or thousands of weigh-ins. And thinking about how my mind was so occupied every minute waking Renan with that. And like the freedom I feel now with it, where yeah, it's not where I want to be, but I'm also I'm not doing that. I threw those away. I think I might have actually burned some of them. It's that like freedom to exist as we are that I feel like is so different. The kitchen's not perfectly clean. There's something on the dining room table. My supplements are all sitting on the coffee table for when I was putting in their days of the week things. And like, that's okay, and I'm not freaking out about it. And I feel like that is part of the beauty of this part of life and the no fucks to give is the acceptance that comes with that.

SPEAKER_01 25:16

Yeah, I'm hearing you use all sorts of language from acceptance and commitment therapy about not having control over things and accepting what is, and how much relief comes when you stop trying to control all of the things and have things be perfect, but perfect for who? Because are you okay with the amount of effort that goes into making sure everything always looks quote unquote perfect? Uh yeah. And I'm loving this. I'm just seeing it in action that you're letting go of control of things and you're finding so much more peace and seeing how much suffering the attempts at control was causing you.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Yeah. Well, you know, my best friend and I used to jokingly say to each other, and our patients sometimes, how's that working out for you? And so I feel like I kind of had to say that to myself, trying to have all of this control, trying to have everything be quote unquote perfect. How's that working out for me? How'd that work out for me? Well, terribly on all levels. And so I feel like there's just like a lot of release and freedom and letting go of that.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Well, I personally cannot wait to hear what your results are, regardless of whether they're what you want them to be or not. Because as we shared in our last episode about my surgery and the things I'm learning about my body and the way that the medications and surgeries and all that are impacting like other things, and that we can all learn together. I'm looking forward to learning from what your experience is and seeing what life lessons also we get from it too. So I obviously hope very much that it gives you some relief that you very much deserve and that you need at this point to be able to feel like you're the living your best self. And we'll just leave it at that.

SPEAKER_02 27:11

I hope that it is yeah, and recognizing that there's movement here very clearly, regardless of the specific outcomes, which I think is what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

Yeah, that if this isn't the answer, you're in a place that the answer is going to be easier to find. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or that you can receive it. Because it's not always a thing that we're finding, right? It's not a it's not always action that is required to get us to that place that that the solution comes or that the action step even comes from. Sometimes it's such a passive receptive thing that then allows the action that needs to happen to come.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

So that passive receptive place is all about what you were just talking about, Elisa, which is being okay with existing as things are. That acceptance, it just creates the space necessary for the receiving of inspiration.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

Well, on that note, ladies, I'm so happy to hear where you're at with this, and I am very excited to see how things go. Me don't let's wrap for today. Okay. And as always, love you guys. I'll talk soon. Love you. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

If our messy is your kind of messy, we'd love for you to rate, review, and follow or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

We'd also love to know what's on your mind. If you were to join us, what would we be talking about? Email us at messy midlifepodcast at gmail.com or message us on Instagram or TikTok.