All or Something Podcast

We Answered Your Questions (Nothing Was Off Limits)

• Sohee and Ben Carpenter

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You sent in your questions, and we answered them.

In this episode, we're doing something a little different and stepping away from our usual deep dives into nutrition, weight loss, fitness myths, and research. We asked for your questions on Instagram, and we gave no specifications on what they needed to be. This was essentially an "ask us anything".

We received a lot of questions and coincidentally, about 80% of them were to do with our baby (apart from the odd one about whales, trees and sandwiches!).

We didn't expect the Q&A to take that direction, but we're glad it did.

Although this episode was a different change of direction, it was actually really enjoyable for us because we like the idea we can talk to you about personal things, and it is also nice just answering your questions because it feels a little bit more like we are having this conversation in person, rather than over the internet.

So, yes. This is a very different change of pace, but we hope you like it!

P.S., If you want to support us and would like monthly lifting workouts, you can join the Momentum by Sohee fitness app. http://momentumbysohee.com

If you are interested in fat loss science, you can purchase Ben's best-selling comprehensive fat loss book, Everything Fat Loss. http://geni.us/EverythingFatLoss

SPEAKER_00

Let's catch up. It's time for a QA episode. We fielded questions on our stories and we've collected the top 15 questions that we'll be answering today.

SPEAKER_02

So I was excited for this episode. This was my idea originally, and my theory was, which some people have repeated back to me on my Instagram stories, is when you make content for lots and lots of people, sometimes it kind of feels like you're a little bit disconnected because we just pick a research topic that people ask us about. We make a big science episode and then we post it out into the abyss. But I thought it would be nice to feel like there's more back and forth communication in this parasocial relationship rather than people watching us. It's more like we're answering your questions, you can get to know us better. And it feels like the best or closest way that we've actually got two-way communication versus us just talking and then pressing publish.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. We actually had a whole variety of different questions, fitness, health-related, personal ones. For this episode, we decided to keep this one more personal to us regarding parenthood and how it's impacted us as individuals as well as as a couple. And I said we should get really candid about everything.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, so our goal for this episode is hopefully you will listen to this and feel like you get to know us better. But we are obviously answering your questions. Yeah. This might be dog shit. People might not be interested at all, and they might just ask us more fitness questions. If that happens, then it happens, and we know that's the case. But I would love it if this episode went well because it feels more people like us for us rather than liking us for what information we can give them. Yeah. Although I will say, when you said we are we're fielding the most personal questions that people asked, if I didn't feel like we had a good answer, I dismissed that. Sure, right. So someone asked me what my favorite type of whale was and my and my favorite type of tree. And I can't remember, but it was something like who would win between it was like a bacon sandwich and a cheese sandwich or something like that. And I was like, I don't have great answers for those. I would happily talk it out if we met in person, but for a podcast, I was like, pretty niche. I think that's fair.

SPEAKER_00

And then as well, as far as the actual more educational fitness stuff, we've siphoned them off for a potential future episode. That way we have a bit more this is the theme for this one, and that's the theme for that one.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, so if you are here for educational purposes only, just skip this one.

SPEAKER_00

Unless you want education on parenthood from our personal experience. Who knows?

SPEAKER_02

Possibly.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. We've organized these questions so that we're gonna ask them alternating, basically. And the first question is actually fielded for you is how does it feel being a dad?

SPEAKER_02

It feels kind of weird. So when I was a kid, I looked up at my parents, looked up at, look up, looked up to both. I looked up to my parents and thought, oh my god, they're amazing, they're so grown up, adults are so you know. Yeah. And my mum had three kids by the time she's my age. So in my mind, I thought I would feel grown up. Now I'm a parent, and I don't, I just don't I don't feel I don't feel like I thought I would feel as a parent. I don't feel as grown up as I thought I would feel. I don't feel as mature, I don't feel like I'm as good with responsibilities as I thought I would when I was younger. Yeah. But being a dad is uh the most amazing thing I have ever done. And it's hard, but uh having our little daughter brings me so much joy, so much joy. I can't even explain the amount of joy that I have just looking at her and laughing and laughing with you and being like, look at our cute little potato, and laughing at everything she does. She can fart and we can be like, Oh, she's so cute, she's so sweet.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I think I think being a dad is amazing. I I do think it's hard, and I don't think anyone should go into it with rose-tinted goggles that parenthood is right for everyone. I'm sure loads and loads of people go into parenthood and think, holy fuck, this is not what I expected. I'm really struggling, and I think that's important for people to be aware that that is very, very much a possibility. But I I can't explain how much love I have for this tiny squidgy thing that is basically useless and helpless and can't do anything and can't even support her neck.

SPEAKER_00

But she's working on it, she's getting her timey time minutes in every day.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, slowly.

SPEAKER_00

I definitely thought I agree with you. When I was when I was younger, I would look up at my parents or look up as at grown adults in general and think they have they know everything, they have all the answers to to life, and they're so mature, yeah, so mature, right?

SPEAKER_02

And now that I've not mature, I don't think.

SPEAKER_00

I disagree. I think I think uh the emotional mature emotional maturity is there, but I think we're I think we're a lot sillier and goofier than maybe my parents are.

SPEAKER_02

It's hard for me so it's hard for me to think that we're very mature when we talk in like stupid voices to each other for our whole life. Like this podcast is basically the only time we talk in normal voices. Otherwise, we're like, hey baby.

SPEAKER_00

That doesn't mean you're not mature. I disagree. Uh, but I will say, not that I was asked the question. I please chime in and I don't feel like being I don't feel like being a parent is a feeling in and of itself. I think it's more a tremendous amount of responsibility that comes with every waking moment, obviously. But I would say as far as how does it feel, of course it's gonna be different for everyone. It also depends. I would I'm gonna put this in on the amount of support that you have. It's gonna depend how you feel and the amount of rest that you're able to get, how much sleep you're able to get. Anyway, for me, it's more about a sense of fulfillment and wonder and awe. How many times a day do I think to myself, oh my god, I can't believe I'm a mom. Yeah, I can't believe we made this tiny little human being.

SPEAKER_02

You say that to me multiple times a day.

SPEAKER_00

So I'm thinking it way more. Yeah. So to me it's more about that. But it is probably the most incredible experience ever.

SPEAKER_02

My first question for you is what's the best thing about your daughter so far?

SPEAKER_00

I I love watching the changes. The milestones are really cute. For example, this past week she has started smiling that are def definitive smiles, they're not gassy smiles, they're social smiles. And I noticed that she her eyes will lock on a person and follow them if they're moving across a room. She wasn't doing that a few even last week. And I think that's so incredible. Seeing all the changes, even things like she's, I mean, bittersweet, but she's grown out of her newborn onesies as of less than a week and a half ago. But the fact that we're feeding her, actually, I'm feeding her, technically, from my body's producing milk that's giving her the sustenance that she needs, and she's growing from that food. That's so I love it.

SPEAKER_02

Sometimes you're feeding her via my hand. When you say you're feeding her, it makes it sound like I'm not involved in the feed. Like bottle, yeah, via bottle. Providing the milk.

SPEAKER_00

But it's so fun for me to see. There's so much to look forward to.

SPEAKER_02

Speaking of smiling, one of my best friends said to me before she was born that childhood and being a father is the hardest thing he's ever done. And he warned me of all the things that parents tend to warn you of, like the sleep deprivation and the stress and the financial stress and everything else. And he said, then you will see them smile.

SPEAKER_00

And oh I think, okay, I think it was earlier at the beginning of this week. It's when, because right now we're we're I take her the second half of the night, and I was sitting with her when we had both woken up for the morning. So it was only me in bed because you sleep in the guest room uh for most of the night. But I was looking at her, and she that was the first time she had a for sure smile.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I my heart there was a swelling in my heart that I've never felt before. And I'm pretty sure I yell I yelled out for you and I texted you if you're awake, come over right now. She's smiling, she's smiling right now. And since then, she smiled every day, multiple times, usually in the mornings, but it definitely makes you forget everything. You forget all the hard parts when they give you that smile.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like the best way for me to describe it in general is I have so much love for her that just talking about how much I love our daughter could bring me to tears on any given day. Yeah. If it like I went to get my hair cut earlier, and I was hoping the barber was going to ask about what fatherhood was like, just so I could go into a monologue and tell him only because last time he cut my hair, he said he was a dad and we had like a chat. That's right, yeah. So I I was excited to talk to someone else about the joys of fatherhood, and someone else was cutting my hair, and I I didn't get to do that. But you know, there's that stereotype that parents will spam photos of their kids and they'll send you photos, and other people are like, I don't fucking care, stop sending me like a million photos. I know that feeling, but I'm still doing it. I'm still doing I will happily send photos to any of our friends if I think that they are even half a file.

SPEAKER_00

That's how I felt when I was yesterday. I was sending, I had we captured a really good video of her smiling multiple times, and it was so so cute. And I was going through my recent text messages with friends thinking, which of these people would appreciate this video? Ended up sending it to maybe three people.

SPEAKER_02

She's seven weeks old, and we already have I think we have over a thousand photos and videos completely.

SPEAKER_00

Easily. I'm I'm I'm I'm at the point where my phone reminds me every day your iCloud storage is full. Do you want to buy more? And I'm like, do I want to buy more or should I delete old clear up some storage space? And I'm like, but then I have to, I don't know. That's kind of where I am right now.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

What's been the most challenging part about becoming a parent?

SPEAKER_02

That's a big question. So I have already said that being a father is hard, and it is hard. I don't think it's as hard as I thought it might be, but I think that is uh largely attributable to how amazing our system is. So you are an incredible mother, an incredible mother, and you make fatherhood easier because and I I want to be very, very specific with my wording here. I think a lot of women can do more than their fair share of the work when it comes to parenthood. And I think that that is true in our relationship as well. I don't want people to think that that means I'm a lazy father. I think it's important for people to realize that you are hyper-organized. So even with our friends trips, some things, yeah. With our friends' trips, you will have shared notes and spreadsheets and who's doing what food and blah blah blah blah. You are very, very on it. So you will often take charge of things that I won't think of. Yeah. So, like, oh, we've got a shared note. I'm gonna tell you if we've done tum tummy time, I'm gonna tell you if she's had a nap, I'm gonna tell you if she's had her vitamin D that the pediatrician recommended, I'm gonna tell you if she's done all these things. Those aren't things that I would have thought about, and because you are so amazing as a mother, I think it makes it easier for me. Whereas I know that not everyone is that fortunate. I know we've got people around us, like your parents have been amazing as well. Um, so it's hard, but at no point have I thought, holy fuck, I can't do this, which I know a lot of parents go through, so I just wanted to kind of explain how I feel about that. Uh, I don't find the nights as challenging as a lot of people say, but I know that she sleeps better than a lot of kids do. One thing that I will say is I would happily do all of the night feedings for the rest of her life if I know we're gonna come back to that because that's a question. If we never had a period of hearing her screaming tears where we can't quickly fix what's going on. So all parents will know that there will be times where they feed their child, she's they're still fussing, then they'll burp. Are they tired? Are they this? Are they this? And there's like a checklist of things that you have to try. And there will at least be a period where there's an hour or so where she's crying and you can't work out what it is. Yeah, that to me is way more stressful.

SPEAKER_00

Or there's no real reason they're inconsolable, and that's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Looking down at her and seeing the tiny, tiny tears, the tiny, tiny tears she has because she's been wailing, and sometimes it's like she doesn't want her bottle, she is burped, she still doesn't want her bottle, we don't think she's tired, and then 10 minutes later we bounce with her and she's fine, and then she'll have her bottle again, you know. But seeing those tiny, tiny tears from that tiny, tiny, squishy face, it's heartbreaking. Heartbreaking. There's no amount of I haven't experienced an amount of sleep deprivation that holds a candle. I don't know if you know that saying, to the pain that I feel of seeing my daughter upset. We should do episodes like this more often, it's quite nice.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, with that.

SPEAKER_02

We actually part of the reason I think this episode is almost I'm getting emotional. Part of the reason that I think this episode is kind of cathartic for us is we don't talk that much anymore. We're like ships in the night because you will look after the nala part to her.

SPEAKER_00

Obviously, this I think every parent couple can relate to regarding the baby. When did she feel how does she seem? How was her nap?

SPEAKER_02

This is like the longest, deepest conversation that we will have with each other, so it's actually quite nice having.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, with that said, what is your answer to what's the most challenging part?

SPEAKER_02

I said I'm seeing them cry. Oh, it's that. Yeah, that okay. That to me is no, that is one of the most things.

SPEAKER_00

Because I was thinking, I feel like there's more.

SPEAKER_02

No, okay. So another thing, if you are not a parent, I have to make sure you understand the the the gravity of this situation. You have no free time ever. I think that is the hardest thing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_02

So for example, every minute is filled with something now. So I know this sounds silly, we are seven weeks in. I don't know when this episode will come out. When we record this, we're seven weeks in. I scripted a video that I wanted to post to social media nearly two weeks ago, and the number of times where I'm like, Oh, it'd be great if I could record that later, but her sleep schedule changes, or I'm feeding her, and then Sophie wants to do work, and then we swap, and it's amazing how much your time just evaporates. Yeah, and that is really difficult if you feel like there are other things you need to do. I need to earn money, I need to earn money for her, for us, and it's it's hard that you don't get your own time and you also don't get your own peace. We both like at the end of the day, having a bit of quiet time. We're next to each other, but we'll still have quiet time where we're like playing on our phones and reading emails or messaging or whatever. All of that, I feel like, has evaporated. That I think is a lot of it.

SPEAKER_00

I would say we still have some time. Also, um, having help makes a huge difference. Yeah. We have some help. So my mom's been coming over once or twice a week to look after her so that we could come here and record this episode, the podcast episode, come to the gym, uh, to my warehouse gym and do a workout without having to trade off who's looking after her and things like that, which has um actually the first time the first time my mom came to look after her, she was like, Oh, you guys can have a date, date, day, daytime date on a Saturday, go to Mercue. And I was like, I want to go to Costco. Cause you know, it's kind of like you need to take care of your basic needs first before you can go to the fun stuff. And I feel like we haven't gotten really to the fun stuff yet because any t any quote unquote free time we have, it's taking care of our basic needs.

SPEAKER_02

Is that where your Costco story is going to end?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It's we need groceries. Okay. We can't do the fun stuff unless we have our groceries first.

SPEAKER_02

I thought you were gonna say that you found that trip harder than you originally expected.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I mean that was that was hard actually, because uh and I I I talked about this briefly on my on my stories before Baby came, was I'm I'm sad, you know, even though I'm looking forward to meeting her, I'm also sad that because she won't be physically inside my body anymore, there will be some level of physical separation with her at times. And that Costco trip, which is when she was three weeks old and we desperately needed groceries, that put us maybe five or six miles away from her while she was home and I deaf I cried in the parking lot.

SPEAKER_02

That's what I was wondering if you're gonna be.

SPEAKER_00

On the way there, we were halfway there, and I could see the distance, you know, the car was telling us now you're this many miles away, this too many miles away.

SPEAKER_02

We're about three miles from home. I just like left 10 minutes ago. And made a remark about Do you want me to turn around?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I was sad, and he said, Do you want me to go home? And flip around and go home. And I was like, But no, we're we're already this far. I can I can do this. And obviously, I knew we're gonna have to do this at some point. So, but yeah, I definitely cried.

SPEAKER_02

Which is a perfect segue to the next question, actually, which is who is more anxious about the baby?

SPEAKER_00

I think if we had to choose one person overall, I would say me. I'm surprised you even preceded that with a kind of- But I feel like I I feel like you get anxious about different things. I'm anxious. I think there's different types of anxious with baby, right? For example, last week we went to see friends in LA with baby. A friend was visiting from Arizona, we brought her, it was a cute little get-together, and I, you know, she other people were holding the baby, they were kind of passing her around, and my friend remarked, I'm it was something along the lines of, I'm so impressed you're letting everyone hold her. So, in that regard, I'm really chill because I want her to be socialized. I want her to be held by other people. I think it's good for her. I'm not sure what the science says, I haven't looked into it, but in my mind, it's good for her to not be, to hopefully not form, you know, anxious attachment to only her parents or something like that. I don't know. And I also think that if I'm stressing over who's holding her and for how long, and oh my god, let me take her back right now, I think she'll pick up on that over time, especially as she gets older, she'll be like, oh, I should be afraid or not feel good when someone else who's not mom or dad is holding me. That's kind of what I have in my head. So in that regard, I'm really chill. In other ways, you are not chill. I am not chill.

SPEAKER_02

In in if you don't mind me saying, in many other ways, you are not chill. But I I don't even want that to sound negative because I think the word anxiety has a lot of negative connotations to it. I think part of it is you are thinking of all the things that our daughter might need uh uh uh to thrive. Permanently, permanently. The the number of times where even little things like you will ask me for things that have you done this, have you done this, have you done this? And a lot of them are things that I do as a routine, and I'm like, in my head, you don't need to keep asking because a lot of these are things that I would do, like, have you already done the bottles? Have you done this? Have you done this? But I know that that is just your way of making sure our daughter has everything that she needs. So although I think anxiety is obviously a kind of bad word, in some ways I just view it as how much love I know it sounds weird, it's kind of like how much love you have in your heart to make sure that the checklist you have in your head, everything is there.

SPEAKER_00

For example, has she gotten enough tummy time today? Have have we read her enough? Have we done enough story time with her today?

SPEAKER_02

You this is gonna sound like a weird, like a weird comparison, but when you're a kid and you go to the airport and you might have your merm or parent who's like, I need to make sure we've got all the passports, I need to make sure we've got all the the boarding passes, I need to make sure everyone's got their clothes on. There's often like a lead parent, and in some ways it's sounds like anxiety, but they are just doing a lot of the organizing. And I think that you are you're you're so you've set such high standards for what you want for our daughter and the life that she has. I feel like you have a longer, probably a longer checklist than most people. Yeah, for example, I'll be like, Have we read this many minutes a day? Has she had this much tummy time? How's have we done this? Have we done this?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, or we'll be like, hey, it's been it's 2 p.m. and we've only done this many minutes of tummy time. Since you're looking after her right now, can you please do five minutes with her in the next two hours or something like that? I don't feel like that's necessarily anxiety. Although I do feel anxious sometimes. I will say, for example, if someone if my the first several times my mom was looking after a baby and we were out of the house, we were here, for example, I would constantly check the indoor security camera to make sure everything was going okay. Whereas I'm not sure that you even looked once. Did you? Or did you or was it that you knew that I was looking so we were fine?

SPEAKER_02

It's that I I knew that you were looking, but also your mom has two amazing children. I I trust that she knows how to raise children. Yeah. So I think it would be different if we had left her with someone else, but you know, I tr I trust your mom. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I think things like that, I will get more relaxed about it over time.

SPEAKER_02

I've got a story. Okay. It's a really brief story, but I'll wait for you to finish. No, that's it. Okay. Um, I don't want to say who it is because they haven't. Given me permission to share this, although it's not a super personal like thing, they wouldn't be embarrassed. But someone told me yesterday that their daughter is nine years old, their oldest daughter is nine years old. And she said for the first time in nine years, she has only just started sleeping properly. And I said, How do you mean? And she said, I am so anxious as a mother that every single hour I will wake up and I will go and check that they're okay.

SPEAKER_00

I'm not to that level.

SPEAKER_02

No, but it was like when she told me that I know that that's obviously a level of anxiety, but I also thought there's something that to me is so amazing about the fact that a mum has so much love that they can't even sleep without thinking about their daughter's well-being. So the fact that they're nine years old and she said, I'm only just sleeping for the first time. I know that that is a level of anxiety that is in some ways life-destroying because I said, Haven't you felt shit for nine years? And she's like, Yes. Yeah. But there's also something that I think is so kind of heartwarming about that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I mean, to that note, I'm not, I don't check on baby every hour when I sleep, but she does have an ALA dream sock, which for those of you who don't know, tracks her oxygen and her heart rate and it will alert you if something's off. And I know some people some parents have said it makes their anxiety worse. For me, I it makes my anxiety feel better. So I like it for her. She wears it every single night without fail. And the first few days that she was home with us when we came from the hospital, uh, especially the first night, I remember because I had the bassinet right next to up on my side, I felt like every five minutes I was lifting my head to check that she was still breathing. Even with the outlet sock.

SPEAKER_02

I think a lot of parents will resolutely.

SPEAKER_00

So I have, and this is nobody asked me this, I have oh, actually it's related to the anxiety, so pertinent. I have a fear of SIDS with her sudden infant death syndrome. We know that especially within the first year of life, uh I think it's within the first six months actually, is the highest risk of that happening, and it's most likely to happen when they're sleeping. Now, the funny thing is, not actually ha ha funny, but she doesn't actually have any of the risk factors that increases the likelihood of her that happening to her. And yet I still have a fear of it. And someone I was talking about this with their friend last week. I said, ever since I became pregnant, which was we found out last August, my level of stress and worry over her has remained, I would say, the same level, pretty high. But the thing that I'm worried about has changed over time. So first I was worried about a miscarriage. Then I was worried about the anatomy scan and we're finding that something was gonna be off with her health. Then I worry about uh as, you know, her her due date nears, I was worried about a stillbirth. Then I was worried about, you know, there's always gonna be, I feel like I feel like the sooner I accept, I'm probably always going to be the same level of worried, but I'm always gonna be worried about different things as she gets older. I think I should accept it now, you know. That's kind of how I feel. So I have a worry every single night that something's gonna happen to her while she's sleeping, or something's gonna happen to her while someone else is looking after her, or there's gonna be some freak accident, who knows? But I think that's parenthood.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like now you've explained all that, when you go back and say you're the more anxious parent, people be like, What is your do you have a fear with her? I have loads of fears.

SPEAKER_00

Well, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts too.

SPEAKER_02

So one thing that I would say is have you ever been on a car journey and you're lost? This is before the days of satinavs, GPS, whatever, and you're starting to get worried and you're stressed. If the person next to you is very, very stressed and anxious, it can make you feel worse. Whereas sometimes if they're fine, you're fine. So I think the person that you're with can sometimes change the way that you feel about it. I think that in this situation it's kind of different because you are so anxious about so many things, it actually makes me feel more relaxed because you've thought of things before I've thought of things. So I know when I'm driving, I don't have to say how is she doing if your mum's looking after her, because I know you've already looked on on our home camera. Yeah, home camera's not to spy on babies, we had it to look after check on the pets when we were at the house and make sure they hadn't broken into the pantry or whatever. But I know you've already done that. I know that if I am going to need to change her milk bottle or do something with how she had a vitamin D or when does she need to read or something, yeah. Most of the time you've already told me because you're operating on a higher level. So I in in some ways I think that's actually calmed my anxiety. I'm anxious for a lot of things, but not as anxious for her as I thought I would be.

SPEAKER_00

Interesting. Okay. Question for you Is Ben still doing nights and how's it going?

SPEAKER_02

No. This is not going as well as I had hoped, if I'm honest. So this is one thing, you won't mind me saying this. I would say we nearly argued about it, and not argued in a hostile way, but we definitely had opposing opinions. So I was very, very steadfast that I want to do nights exclusively until I said you you you have nine months of sleep deprivation to repair. I wanted to do nights exclusively because I had these delusions of grandeur that you would suddenly sleep nine hours a night, you would uh after a couple of weeks, you would start feeling way better than you have been in nine plus months, you would feel so good for how much you've slept that I feel like I'm repaying my debt for everything that you went through during pregnancy, during childbirth, and all of the breastfeeding you're doing still interrupts nights. And obviously, we butted heads over this because whilst it happened for a few days, so I was like, Okay, I'm gonna do all of the feedings, and we had a couple of days where I did everything. You said I don't like it because I'm worried about how tired you're going to get, and which is valid, is valid, yeah, but I still didn't care. I I was happy. I I view it as let's say that uh there's a hundred percent tiredness, like a pie chart. Sure. I was I wanted to take a hundred percent, I wanted you to be as well well recovered as possible, and you're like, but if we split nights, in my head that's more like we're both 50-50 tired. I would prefer for me to be exhausted and you feel great until we at least get to a point where you're like, okay, let's bring it back. And you said, I don't like the idea of you being really, really tired, and then of course you have to wake up to pump anyway, and you're like, if I'm waking up to pump and I'm awake for half an hour or an hour, it doesn't make sense that you're also awake at the same time feeding her and changing her nappy or diaper. So I will then take her. So we have now we do nights 50-50 where I do a few hours and you do a few hours. Yeah. I still I I still I feel bad because I wanted, you know how strongly I felt about this, and I feel like I feel like you took it from me, but you took it from me not for bad reasons, like in a loving way. It's not like I'm taking this because I want it. It was more like I I don't want you doing just nights I want to share.

SPEAKER_00

Well, there are several reasons for this. One, obviously, it's not good for your health and well-being to be so sleep deprived. I've seen you during the day after you've gotten three, four hours of sleep. You're not really functioning.

SPEAKER_02

You're not, and if you're just But you got nine hours of sleep, and to me, that was like that was my goal.

SPEAKER_00

But guess what? With the way it hasn't it's doing now, I feel fine.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I say that as someone who has a flexible job, who works from home, who's husband, whatever whatever. I have a good support system, I have things going a lot a lot in my favor. But uh there's also the fact that if you're extremely depri sleep deprived and you're looking after our baby in the middle of the night, there's a chance that something could happen to her because you're not fully alert. You're not fully there. There's that as well. And I also think that if you're exhausted during the day, you're not getting the stuff that you want to get done during the day, that's gonna affect how you feel in terms of your own happiness. And it'll make you feel frustrated and grumpy. So I thought I said, if we split nights, we neither of us will be 100% fully rested, but we'll both be will collectively we'll be less tired. And we should share the load, and then we can get our stuff done during the day. We're happier too.

SPEAKER_02

One thing that I quite like about this is it actually means that we were both arguing, but we were arguing for the sake of the other person, which is which is the opposite of how most people argue. Yeah. Because I'm like, no, I want you to sleep as good as possible. Is that chromatically correct? Thank you. Yeah, that's that sounded weird when it came. This is how sleep-deprived I am. I want you to sleep as well as possible, and I don't care if I feel like dog shit for nine months, uh, because I know at some point she'll start sleeping through the night, hopefully. It was just I was prepared to do that and take all of it knowing that you would hopefully start feeling better. And you were like, actually, no, I want to be more sleep deprived because I want you to start feeling better as well. So, yeah, we kind of argued on behalf of the other person. Right.

SPEAKER_00

So right now, he takes the first few hours, a few hours. So she's going down as of now. She's starting to get a bit more regular with her sleep routine. You know, newborns are all all over the place. She goes to bed around nine for the night, and then her first wake-up is usually not until 1.30 or so. So we both can sleep a few hours. She wakes up, you take her, and then when I get up to pump uh at around 4:30 after I'm done, then I will take her. Basically, that's how it's working.

SPEAKER_02

I know it's silly, but I've only just realized that almost all of these are parent questions, which is quite nice because it means that lots of people care about it. Yeah, which makes me feel good. Okay. Next question for you What are the ways you maintain your relationship while navigating sleepless parenthood?

SPEAKER_00

I think one was splitting night shift, as we talked about, has helped a lot where we feel like we have some energy to get through the day. Also, after she goes to bed, I know I've seen posts on social media, they're like, this is how you should split your nights. Mom sleeps from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. or whatever. And I'm like, I'm not going to bed at nine. Like, you know, baby's down, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to sleep. It's not only from a rest standpoint, but also we need to have time for ourselves too. So I feel like when which is in in the evenings, obviously we don't have help in the evenings or anything like that. After she goes to bed is when we get some time together. Yeah. And last night, for example, was spent getting ready for this episode, so that was gone.

SPEAKER_02

But and then tonight we'll be getting ready for tomorrow's episode.

SPEAKER_00

I'm like, but the next is it's kind of like, you know, when they say um when they're like every the adulthood is telling yourself, oh, but next week we'll be less busy. And then you say that every single week until you die. It kind of feels like that. But actually, um, we've been able to one of our favorite pastimes, which sounds so boring when I say it, is to watch shows and movies together.

SPEAKER_02

I like I just like sitting on the couch. I think it's because when you're tired, sometimes you don't want to talk, but I will still happily sit next to you, hold your hand.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And eat snipes. One of my favorite things to do with you is watch a TV, a show together or a movie together. And one thing that I didn't realize this was not normal or not common, we commentate the entire episode or the entire movie. I once did this with a friend when she was we're watching the show Shrinking Together. It was only me and her, and I was again commentating the entire episode and she said zero words, and she was like, Do you normally talk the whole time? And I was like, Oh, am I not supposed to? But that's what makes it fun for us is we guess what who's gonna say what next, we guess the ending, we you know, we make comments.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know if it's an ADHD thing, but I feel like in general, you just talk a lot. I said that you're fluent fluent and yatch.

SPEAKER_00

To me, I'm thinking, what's the fun of watching something with someone else if you're not gonna commentate on it?

SPEAKER_02

This actually reminds me, if I'm allowed to rewind to the earlier question on what are the hardest things about parenthood. Yeah. I actually think one of the hardest things about parenthood is how quickly it creates or amplifies any cracks in how little time you spend together. So we we are very, we're still, you know, six years together or whatever. We are still very, very smitten. We will kiss when we see each other, we will kiss every time we leave the house. You can go for a run and you'll still come and give me a kiss and say love you, like have fun, blah blah blah. Message message each other like miss you because you've gone to the gym. We are very smitten with each other, very tactile with each other physically, and now we're barely even sleeping in the same bed.

SPEAKER_00

We'll have a couple of hours, then I'll in the bed for like three hours and then you're gone to the spare room.

SPEAKER_02

So that is something that is very hard. And I think, especially if our relationship wasn't as strong to begin with, if we weren't physically close, for example, or if we didn't feel so emotionally close, the fact that there is now a kind of bigger chasm in how much time we spend together, yeah, that's hard. Like I miss you a lot.

SPEAKER_00

I I do think you I feel like we have to make intentional effort now to get quality time together versus the quality time comes kind of as default before because now we decide to spend our free time doing a podcast instead.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm like, Oh, my mom's looking after baby for three hours, let's film an episode, versus like, let's go somewhere cute and do something lovey dovey. Whatever. Next question: How do you both manage your training sessions, your workouts now, if you're not sleeping that much?

SPEAKER_02

I think I can do this one really quickly. Uh they I have skipped more workouts since she has been born than I have in the year preceding that, and I don't think that's going to be an ongoing thing. It's just routine has been blown up. So we have adapted by doing shorter workouts. So the longest run that I tend to do at the moment is 24 minutes, and it's because I'll run three miles at a you know, semi-fast pace, or I will cut my weight training down and do a half-hour workout, and I'm fine with that. The thing like it's one thing that isn't ideal many things that aren't ideal, one thing that isn't ideal is because we are adapting to each other's schedules. So sometimes you're like, I need to do a couple of hours worth of work. Can you look after her while I do that? Of course I I would love to. But then if she's sleeping and you're holding her and you know that if you hand her over, she's gonna wake up. So you're like, I'll hold her while she sleeps. Then I'll sometimes your whole schedule just gets blown apart. So sometimes I'm exercising late and then you're eating dinner on your own, then I'm eating dinner on mine, which I don't love. No, but I think we're just you know, we're rolling with the punches.

SPEAKER_00

Also, yeah, because of baby, we can't both exercise at the same time, which we used to do quite often before, because obviously one of the one parent has to be looking after the baby. Uh also I will say we are able to get in our workouts pretty consistently, but a big part of that is we have a home gym. Yeah, we have a treadmill at home. I we live in a nice neighborhood where I can go outside for a quick run and not have to be like, well, now I have to no, I have to drive to this park first or I have to go take the subway to this place first. So if I had a longer commute or if there were more barriers to doing my workout, I probably wouldn't be exercising as much. And they wouldn't look the same.

SPEAKER_02

You're so conscientious of other people. I like that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think it's it's true.

SPEAKER_02

Or if if I had to drive to a gym for all of my workouts, I would have definitely missed way more of my workouts.

SPEAKER_00

I'd be like, I haven't I have 30 minutes to work out and half that time is spent driving to and from the gym, it's not worth it. Or I'd be like, I'm gonna buy or invest in a couple pairs of dumbbells or some other home equipment and I'll make it work at home, even though this is not really the way that I want to do it ideally, you know?

SPEAKER_02

My pro tip, I don't want to be on this question too long because I don't have that much insight. One of my pro tips is scale way back and then feel happy that you're hitting the target, than keeping your targets the same and being pissed off that you're gonna. Lower the bar. Yeah. Yeah. So my average run duration before was probably close to an hour. Like an easy run for me is normally say five, six miles. For marathon prep, it was going up to eight. Yeah. But my runs are typically an hour long. Whereas now I'm like, I will run for 25 minutes. Yeah. And I'm fine doing that because in my head, I would prefer to hit that regularly. It's like a habit checklist in my book. I prefer to hit that regularly and it be small than have a loftier target and then be pissed off that I missed it.

SPEAKER_00

That's true. Also, I would say if I had no gym equipment and I couldn't really leave the house, uh, I would find ways to exercise with the baby. For example, if I'm wearing her in a carrier in front, I would be like, okay, let's do some lunges, let's do some Bulgarian splitsquats, let's do some single-leg hip thrusts, and so on and so forth. And it's not the way that I would want to do it, but it's still better than nothing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Next question for you. I just became an aunt. What's an awesome gift for a newborn girl and her parents, in your opinion?

SPEAKER_00

I think this is the way that I think. I love gifts for baby that supplement her brain, that are good for her brain. I like enrichment activities. I like books for her. I especially love, especially like I'm trying to this season ambitious, but I think it's possible. I would like to raise our baby trilingual because someone asked. Someone said bilingual. I said, no, trilingual. I want her to be able to speak English, Korean, and Spanish. Okay. That means that I would love books for her, children's books for her. We have a lot of English books, but we also now have a English-Spanish children's book in both languages. And I want to also have English-Korean books and then also books that are fully in Spanish and fully in Korean. So I personally I love gifts like that. So get it towards her. And I also want toys for her that help stimulate her brain. So that's kind of where my head is at. Also for the parents, I think you have might have different answers. I think one of two things I find really helpful. One would be freezer-friendly meals that we can eat with one hand. Because how many nights has it already been so far where I'm bouncing her in the evening? Sometimes she gets more fussy in the evening. And then she's only consoled if you're bouncing with her on a stability ball, on an exercise ball, but it's also time for me to eat. So I'm trying to eat with one hand while I'm bouncing her and sitting at the table. I need to be able to get it into my mouth without worrying about slicing a huge steak or spilling the food on top of her. That's really helpful. Also, sometimes you don't have the hands or the time or the energy to want to cook a fill meal from scratch. So that's great. The other thing that I would love is if someone were to come over and say, I'll look after the baby. You need to, you do what you need to do. Now, some people say they prefer it the other way around, where the mom holds the baby and they do the stuff around the house for you. I prefer, to me, it's less work if I can do it myself because it's more it feels more tiring to then have to explain to you how I want things done and where everything is, like where the kitchen cleaning stuff is.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like people are probably getting an insight into your parenthood just by how long this answer is. Right.

SPEAKER_00

So I'm like, if you can hold baby for even one hour, I can do so much around the house real fast. I would love that those are the gifts that I would love. What about you?

SPEAKER_02

So we don't know where she lives. She might not be local, it might be a gift from afar. One thing that I would say yes to food, food has been a huge help for us. Even last night, running a bit late, I ate two frozen breakfast sandwiches that our friend prepared for us and we put in the freezer. Uh, I personally, in some ways, I I'm fairly anti-gift giving to newborns because I think a lot of gifts become overlooked and wasted. I think newborns can collect a lot of things that they often don't tend to use. And I've I've known that from if I bought a present for my niece, nieces when they were tiny, sometimes they'll play with them for a very short period of time and then they'll forget about them. So I'm not huge on gifts. I do like the idea of books and things that you can do with them. I also like the idea of putting a little bit of money in their bank account. If you are really That's actually huge if you're really struggling for a gift and you want to buy a gift for gift's sake, to me, I would prefer I know in some ways I don't like money because it feels so impersonal. But if you're like, hey, I've got $20, I would love to buy them something, I would be very happy for that to just go in a bank account that would slowly, slowly accrue interest.

SPEAKER_00

Uh two more tangible things. If you know that they are formula feeding or pumping and use a lot of bottles, I would get them a bottle washer and sterilizer and dryer, would save them so much time every day. They are pricey, they're pricey, but it will save you, save them a lot of time and energy every single day. We have the mom cozy bottle washer, and to me it's been worth every penny.

SPEAKER_02

Neither of the two brands that you've mentioned are partnerships. No. I just want to clarify that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And the other thing that I think would be really helpful is uh do a grocery shop for them.

SPEAKER_02

That's that's great. We've had that.

SPEAKER_00

If you feel like you're not a good cook or you don't want to cook a meal for them or whatever, run to the grocery store for them. Get a list from them of things that they need staples, eggs, fruit, things like that. I've felt several times it'd be so nice if you could someone could help us with that already. Is that a good answer? Yeah. Quite a thorough answer answer. Quickly, what are some tips or hacks for new dads?

SPEAKER_02

You can't say quickly when this is such an important question and you've just been talking about what food items you buy from a grocery store.

SPEAKER_00

I'm cognizant of how long we've been talking.

SPEAKER_02

I don't feel like you can answer for like 10 minutes and then tell me that my answer has to be quick.

SPEAKER_00

As long as you'd like, or as short as you'd like. What are your tips or hacks?

SPEAKER_02

I'm going to give one super easy tip because this is genuinely a tip and a hack, and then I'm going to give one bigger one. Put down more we call them like puppy pads, but Baby pads or pee pads than you think you'll need because if they have a mess when you're changing their nappy, the ability to just take that off without then having to clean everything else. And same with like bed sheets. Yeah. If she spits up while she's lying in bed, it's very easy to just take that top sheet off and that mattress cover and have another one underneath rather than having to change it at three in the morning. Someone gave me that tip on threads when I asked for it, and it was a great tip, and I think that's been amazing. One more profound tip, which is specifically for new fathers, is be an amazing husband if you can. I think that women rightfully take a lot of the burden, especially when it comes to breastfeeding. I think there's a lot more, in some ways, maternal instinct. You growing a child and giving birth to a child and then feeding a child. I think mothers often take a lot of the the burden, and some of that is just by default, and then some of it is intentional. But I think it's very, very important for husbands to realise that and recognize that and then show up as best they can for their partner because a lot of the time things that I can do for baby are actually doing things for you, or just making sure that you don't need to do them. So if you're feeding her in the morning, you know that I'm going to get up and make sure the bottles are clean and the milk's ready and things like that. So I think if you're if you're still with the mother, I think be a really good husband or partner, I think is more important.

SPEAKER_00

And then the whole house is happier as a result.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_00

Good.

SPEAKER_02

Next question for you is what are some things you will never do as a parent because of childhood trauma?

SPEAKER_00

I thought about this. I want to talk about this from the perspective of someone who grew up with kind of two straddling two cultures where you grow up in a traditional-ish Korean home, but then I I get sent to American or international schools where you're you know at school, there's the American culture, and then you come home and then there's the Korean culture, and they're they don't always gel together. For example, a big one is in in Korean culture, respect for elders is huge. This includes not talking back to them, you're not allowed to argue with them, whatever they say goes. In American culture, it's much more individualistic, speak your mind, right? So I would come home and I'd be like, no, I disagree with you, no, I think you're wrong. Well, actually, this and it didn't always go over very well.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um, but then of course, I'm kind of stubborn, to be honest. And I'd be like, why can't if if I think you're wrong, why can't I say that? If I think you're telling me to do something, and I don't think it makes sense, why do I have to blindly obey?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So that caused some problems. I think I would say between the two of us, we are in a more individualistic home, yeah, right? In that I would want to raise our daughter to speak her mind, even if you disagree with me. Yeah. And I think I would like to have a relationship with her where if let's say I get snappy with her one day in a way that's unfair, I can apologize for that. Yeah. And we can talk about it. I would like to feel like I want to foster a relationship with her where she feels like she can tell me things and I won't make her feel embarrassed for it or judged for it. Um, so I think that'd be really nice to do.

SPEAKER_02

I have one. I I don't know the full definition of the word trauma, and I don't want to overplay how stressful my childhood was because I think that I had a really good childhood. I had two parents that loved me, even if they're they weren't together for most of my childhood. But I've always had two parents that loved me. One thing that I remember, and I'm allowed to say this because I give her so much shit for it, but I remember, and I've made videos on this as well. I remember being a child, and I was never allowed to leave the table unless I had cleaned my plate. And part of that is if you grow up in a household that doesn't have a lot of money, yeah, it's viewed as food waste. Right. Which I totally understand, I respect that. Um the flip side to that is if you are able to store food as leftovers, then it isn't necessary necessarily food waste. And I dislike the psychology that I have grown up with where I feel like I have to clean my plate because I still have that now. You know that if you serve me a huge portion of food, even if it's more than I would normally eat, I will still often almost try and finish it. I find this weird thing of I don't like leaving one mouthful of food or two mouthfuls of food. And I remember being a kid and sitting at the table and there's like an egg in front of me, and I remember crying being like, I I just don't like it. I just I don't like it, I don't want to eat it. But I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I ate it. And I've given my mum so much shit for that. We've got a loving relationship, like friendly shit, and I understand her kind of scarcity mindset around food and money. I totally respect that. I would hopefully maybe not foster that with our children.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I also want to include singular, yeah. For me, disclaimer that I had a very happy childhood. Yeah, yeah. So when we say childhood traumas, we're only repeating back the question the way that it's worded. I would not say at all I've had a traumatic childhood by any means. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Next question.

SPEAKER_00

Question for you. What is your biggest hope for your daughter's future?

SPEAKER_02

I feel like you were brought up with very kind of ambitious Yes. You were in higher education, you went to fancy schools. I think you've always been more ambitious than I was. I grew up with a different mindset where I think my mum, she was never that ambitious in terms of you should do this or you should do this. I don't think she pushed me to do things, but she was kind of the opposite where I feel like she would always ask if I was happy. So if I had a if I wanted to start personal training, she cared more about if I was going to be happy. Yeah. And I when people ask about our goals for our daughter, if you will, I don't really have goals on what she would be like as an adult or what she'd be like as she's older. I love the idea that she would be happy, obviously. To me, that's the most important thing. I can't think of any. Whatever that looks like, yeah. So I have no ambitions for her career as such. I just think that it would be amazing if she turned out to be a really great human. One dream that I have, which isn't about her life as such, but is more for our relationship with her. So I love the idea that we could hopefully foster such a loving relationship that we stay close with her throughout her life. Yeah. I love the idea that I could be the kind of dad that even during adolescent, pubescent uh yeah, adolescent like puberty, where often there's a lot of friction with parents. I love the idea that if she needed something, she knows that she could call me and I would drop everything and go and take care of her. Yeah. To me, that is a bigger goal because that's something that I can do, and it's more about how I treat her and the relationship I build with her, rather than hoping she's going to, you know, be a doctor or bring honor to the family or whatever people say. I I I that just doesn't that's not where my brain is.

SPEAKER_00

I read that, and I fully agree with this, one of the biggest green flags that you had good parents is that you want to hang out with them voluntarily in your free time as an adult. How many times have we spent our Friday evenings with my parents?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Or weekends we invite them over for dinner and I'm cooking for them. I think that's a testament to how how great they've been.

SPEAKER_02

I've heard one of my nieces say that her mum is her best friend, my sister.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, and I love that. That would get me in my in my feels if our daughter ever said that.

SPEAKER_02

It got me in the feels even saying it because I just think that's I just think it's such a testament to what an amazing parent you've been that your child can be that close to you. To me, that's that's uh an honorable God.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Next question is for you, other than baby, because there are other things, what is bringing joy right now?

SPEAKER_00

Well, that's definitely by far and above the biggest source of joy. I feel like there's not really much else going on in our daily lives outside of that.

SPEAKER_02

It's pretty all consuming at the moment.

SPEAKER_00

Everything else feels so much smaller in comparison. I will say, and I talked about this before, before baby came, and I'm happy to be able to say that uh I still really enjoy my career and being able to still put in, even if it's a small f handful of hours during the week every day, into putting out educational content, you know, looking after clients, this and that, checking in on my app, that that makes me happy. Because I really I've always always of course there's hard moments, but I've genuinely enjoyed my career. The other thing that I really enjoy is is exercise. And yes, my recovery's been overall really fast, really good, quite smooth. And I will say ever I I think in my head, every single minute that I can put, any any single minute that I have that I can devote to exercise, I feel so much, this feels so cheesy. I feel so much gratitude for what my body can do, and I have a much greater appreciation for everything that my body does for me.

SPEAKER_02

So I know you said that sounds cheesy, and I want to kind of advocate for you here. So even a couple of days ago, you came back and you're like, I ran three miles, I ran a 5k. Yeah. And it's the first time you've been able to do that in so long. Yeah. But you came in, we would say in England, like grinning like a Cheshire cat, huge, huge grin on your face, and you were so happy.

SPEAKER_00

My body did that, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And it's it's really cute to see. And and I think I think once you've gone through something where your body has been incapable, I do think you can have a greater appreciation for it.

SPEAKER_00

And it's been really cool because obviously, immediately postpartum, I have understandably a lot of fear about even hopping on two feet and putting too much pressure on my pelvic floor and anything that to then being able to now run for a couple miles without stopping and have that be no issue. That's such an incredible feeling. So that definitely makes me happy. It's a very cool, very good for self-confidence, which we know is really good for long-term exercise adherence. Yeah. We've talked about this before, not to get nerdy. Um, but I yeah, I always say my work and uh my workouts are bringing me a lot of joy, to put it simply. Also, uh keeping up my daily sweet treat situation.

SPEAKER_02

We're big snack advocates, tasty snacks.

SPEAKER_00

Anyone who knows me, I don't restrict food groups at all, and especially because I'm breastfeeding, we know your calorie needs are even higher than normal. And I think I mentioned in a previous episode, I'm eating more now than when I was marathon training because my calorie needs are so much higher. And to make sure I'm eating enough calories, I'm eating cookies, I'm eating, you know, those kinds of treats quite quite often, and they are delicious, and I am enjoying them.

SPEAKER_02

Next question is also not about parenthood, as are the next two questions afterwards. What is your best tip for relationships or getting to know people?

SPEAKER_00

This is an interesting question as someone who grew up really, really shy, and I I would say I'm not someone who was really great at at initiating friendships before because of said shyness. Also, I had quite a bit of social anxiety, I would say. But I do know that one thing that works really well is one, and I've done this a few times over the years, which has led to some really close friendships. For example, Kylie, Nutrition by Kylie, she was our first ever podcast guest. Uh, I believe I reached out to her first on Instagram, actually. And yeah, for those of you on video, there's a photo, a Polaroid of her on our wall. But I reached out to her and I would invite her or whoever to come hang out.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Do you want to get coffee sometime? Do you want to go do you want to come over for a workout?

SPEAKER_02

You're actually responsible for almost every friendship I have here. I'm not even I'm not even joking. So you finish what you were saying.

SPEAKER_00

Well, I would say, yeah, I am quite proactive about organizing social events. And now we have, I would say we have a strong core LA-based group, social group. And if there's someone I want to get to know, sometimes I'll be like, oh, and you should come join us too. Like, you know, eight of us are getting together. Do you also want to come join us if I feel like there's a potential friendship there? But also on a more specific level, ask them questions about themselves. I feel like yeah, I think that's really good.

SPEAKER_02

Uh yeah, you so I have three old friends from England, and then we probably have a dozen plus close friends here. Yeah. And every single one that we have can be traced back to either you or social media. So you meet one person via social media, then you're introduced to a friend, we meet someone else. There's someone else. That's why often when we have big friend group gatherings, it's often like a series of tags on social media. It looks like sometimes it looks like an influencer hangout, but that's just how we got to the world. That's how we roll. And I think that's I think it's really cute. We've got a really wholesome friend group here.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I agree. Last two questions are for you. What are things the UK does better than the US, and vice versa?

SPEAKER_02

I feel like I'll just get in trouble if I answer this, won't I? Every time I talk about anything even slightly negative about America, people Well, you're answering from both directions, so I think it's okay. So I think people in England, we are very okay with shitting on our own country, and for whatever reason, I don't think people in America are as okay with that. So if I ever say something slightly negative about America, I get so much shit online. Uh, one thing that England does better in America, I'm I'm gonna do it the other way. I'm just gonna say things that are shit with that country. American tipping culture is obscene, it's absolutely obscene. Yeah, if someone from England, we view tips gratuity as you have done well and you have given extra service. So if we go to a restaurant and the waiter was really good, you would tip. When I was in England, it was 10%. I believe it's gone up to 15 or or 20 sometimes in London. But it was if they have done a good job, it's an optional extra on top. In America, it's expected. And for people outside of America, I need you to understand how expected it is. So, example one, I was going to drop a car at a valet, and the guy, literally, his job is valet. He said, We're really busy, there's no space for your car. And I was like, We're staying in this hotel, like we're supposed to be able to park here as part of the stay. And he said, If you give me a tip, I'll park it for you. Which means there is space, but he's basically So he is he is actually uh prohibiting the thing that he's supposed to do. No, that's insane. That's not what a tip is. That's you are it's kind of like blackmail, you're refusing to give service unless you pay.

SPEAKER_00

I won't do my job unless you pay me extra.

SPEAKER_02

And then another example is in an airport, if we go in and we order food on a tablet. Yeah. So we went You're standing there. Yeah. So I go up to the tablet, I haven't said hi to anyone, there's no one there to say hi to. And when you put in your order, it asks what you want to tip.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, when you order from a kiosk, basically. Right.

SPEAKER_02

So I've ordered our food and then you turn it round, but now it's not, it used to be say, Do you want to tip 10%? But now it's like, do you want to tip? And it's sometimes it's 15, 20, 25, or sometimes 20, 25, 30 percent. Yeah. And I'm like, I literally haven't seen anyone. So there is no one to attribute the good service to. No one has said hello. For all I know, no one's there. It could be robots in the kitchen, but you are expected to tip. That is one thing about American culture that I think is absurd. And most people who come to America, I think, are in for a kind of rude awakening because they don't realize that that's how tips are here. They're kind of expected. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um also, actually, that's why I've heard that when a US-based tourists go to Europe, people love Americans when they're the service workers, like you know, uh weight staff and so on, they love US tourists because they know they're gonna tip really well.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, there's a a much more emotional obligation in America where you are expected to tip for regular service. Yeah. So you can receive very average service, but it would still be perceived as rude if you didn't give them cash. Right. And to me, I think that's that's um that's silly. That is one of my biggest gripes about America, without going into like healthcare and stuff. England has shit weather. There's no there's no two ways about it. It English weather on average is shit. I know we go through periods of sunshine, but sunshine in England is so unpredictable. I'm not saying rare, it does happen, but it's so unpredictable that when the sun comes out, people will have heard about it from a friend. So it's like, have you seen the forecast for Sunday? The sun's gonna be out. Do you want a barbecue? And people in England kind of congregate around when the sun is going to come out, whereas where we are in California, it's sunny a lot of the time. And a lot of people in England, you know, when you go on holiday and the sun is out and you're in a better mood. For me, I feel like that all the time. And then when I go back to England, I feel more tired and I do feel less happy, I think just due to weather.

SPEAKER_00

I actually think that I've been saying this from the beginning of when we were dating. I feel like the weather in England was a big part of your mental health struggles from when you when you were living there.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I think so. And I know it's a I know it's a super privilege to change country like that, but I in yeah, w when I go back to England, I feel worse. I miss my family, I love my family to bits, I'm I miss my friends. I don't feel as good in England on average as I do where we are now.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and obviously living in Southern California, the weather's pretty great year-round.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, one thing I will say actually, because obviously where we live is not typical. There's a running joke that Americans are shit with geography outside of America. So when Americans tend to ask me where I'm from, a lot of the time they get the country wrong. Someone today asked me, are you from Australia or New Zealand?

SPEAKER_00

It wasn't I was like that before I got to know you.

SPEAKER_02

It wasn't like, where are you from? Yeah, he picked two countries and I was neither from Are you from here or here?

SPEAKER_00

Right. Neither. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So a lot of there's a stereotype that a lot of Americans are terrible with geography outside of America. And I think that that stereotype is fair based on I would agree. Based on how people talk to me about where I live. Because when I say I'm from England, most people will say London. Yeah, right. But that's where their knowledge stops. And I think there is a negative stereotype for how Americans know geography outside of America, but to their credit, most people don't realize how big America is. It's huge, yeah. So the whole of England would fit into California with space left over. So just Americans knowing 50 states, that's the equivalent of knowing 50 countries elsewhere in terms of land mass, in terms of demographic, in terms of all the things that that are associated with that. So a lot of Americans don't ever need to leave America because that's true.

SPEAKER_00

There's so much to see here. There's so many places to visit.

SPEAKER_02

Within two hours, we could go skiing, we could go to the desert, we could hit the border and go to Mexico, whereas in England, you're in a different country. So, yeah, America is very, very diverse, has a lot of options and opportunity.

SPEAKER_00

And and one thing I will say is our grocery store food options are much more diverse.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, American food is I think if people aren't sure why obesity rates in America are very high, I think you only need to go around your average grocery store to see some of the snack options. When my niece was here, she took a photo of a blueberry pancake wrapped around a corndog in the frozen section. Yeah. And I remember just her taking a photo, and she's like, I've got to show this to my friends. Like, what the fuck is this? That is how I view American food when I first came here. Um and in some ways it's amazing because you will never run out of snacks. But Americans have Americans' food environment you would think that they had free healthcare.

SPEAKER_00

Yay!

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I'm like, are you gonna open that chemical words? Let's shut it for now.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Last question for you. What is something you would go back and tell a 19 to 22 year old Ben?

SPEAKER_02

That's such a big question. I feel like I should have thought about that first. I feel like it's worth staying alive.

SPEAKER_00

Oh gosh. Is this related to your chronos disease?

SPEAKER_02

That was uh I don't know why someone picked 90 to 20 to 20.

SPEAKER_00

I did think it's a very specific age.

SPEAKER_02

It's a very specific age for them to ask. That was the part the hardest age of my life was I think twenty-one when I first had my worst health scare. And that will have forever changed the trajectory of of my life. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00

This is a great time to say we have a full episode on his Crohn's disease story that's worth, I think, tuning into if you want more.

SPEAKER_02

That's the most emotional podcast episode either of us will ever record, I think. Um that was rough. Uh yeah, I I can't think of there are lots of things that I've learned and I would tell my younger years, myself in my younger years, but I think at that age, yeah, there were there were a lot of times where I wasn't sure that I would live this long. And a lot of times where I wasn't sure that I would want to live this long because life was so hard and I felt so terrible that you just kind of not sure what there was to keep living for. So having that as a final question on the end of a podcast that's about our pri predominantly about our baby, I think is life life can get better, you know.

SPEAKER_00

You would you would also tell your younger Ben, you're gonna be happily married with the cutest little baby.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah. If you had told me when I was younger that I'd be living in California with a Korean wife and a daughter, I didn't even know I didn't I didn't know a single Asian person.

SPEAKER_00

I think you said you're my first Asian friend.

SPEAKER_02

So I was like, that sounds that sounds weirdly specific. I did not say that. You said, have you ever dated an Asian person before me? And I said, I've I haven't known an Asian person before you. So where I grew up, our entire primary school, our first school, was white. Yeah. Was literally white when I when I first went there, and then when I went to secondary school, it was probably 99% white. So um, yeah, of course, as I grew up and went into different communities, you start meeting people of different races and ethnicities, etc. But uh, yeah, if you told me, if you had told Ben, who never moved more than five miles or something like that from his last house, I lived in this tiny bubble in rural Oxfordshire in England. I was very shy, I didn't like going out and doing other things. I got really nervous when I had to push the boat out and try something new. So if you told me that I was living in another country, I wouldn't have believed you. Yeah. And if you told me that I had a Korean wife and uh an amazing daughter, I wouldn't have believed you. And if you told me that I was posting on social media with hundreds of thousands, technically millions across platforms combined, of followers, that I wouldn't have believed you. So sure. Yeah, life life can get better.

SPEAKER_00

Stick with it. Yeah, I think that's good advice.

SPEAKER_02

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you for your answers. No, thank you for your answers. I've enjoyed actually learning some things about you and we should do this period periodically during parenthood just because it's a nice chance for us to catch up.

SPEAKER_02

Sometimes when you were talking, I was like, Oh, that's good to know. Good to know. We should we should talk about it.

SPEAKER_00

I've made uh being a father easier. Kudos to me. I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_02

We should talk more at home. Yeah. If you have enjoyed this episode, please feel free to tell us because this was a bit of a a random one.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I wasn't too sure if this if I want to do this, but I've enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_02

Uh no, I like the idea that people listening, I think especially when you're just talking about science and fitness concepts over and over again, I think it's nice to occasionally check in. And I like the idea that periodically people can ask us questions and we are answering them. And to me, that's the closest to you know two-way communication that we can get. And I I much prefer the idea that we feel like we have this community of people. I really love that idea versus us just being like, let's be. I like the idea there are people out there that care about us and know that we care about them. So I would love to do these periodically only if people care. If they don't care, then you know, fuck it, we won't bother.

SPEAKER_00

But I've had fun though.

SPEAKER_02

I've had fun too.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks for tuning in.

SPEAKER_02

Love you.