The Performance of Authenticity

What happens when being yourself starts to feel like another performance?

In this episode, we're unpacking the tension between hiding and oversharing, and why neither one is actually authenticity.

Some women carefully edit themselves, keeping their opinions, needs, and emotions tucked safely away. 

Others share everything, hoping that vulnerability will create connection. But both behaviors often come from the same place: self-protection.

We explore:
 • Why oversharing and undersharing are emotional response tools, not personality traits
 • The fears that drive each end of the spectrum
 • How workplace experiences, relationships, and past hurts shape how much of ourselves we reveal
 • The difference between seeking connection and seeking relief
 • What genuine authenticity actually looks and feels like

Because authenticity isn't giving everyone unlimited access to you, it's knowing what belongs in the room and choosing to bring it there on purpose.

Thank you for listening to NDA!

If this episode made you think, challenged a perspective, or helped you recognize a pattern in yourself, consider sharing it with someone else who might need the conversation.

You can connect with us on Instagram at @nda_pod, where we continue the discussion between episodes.

Until next time, notice the pattern. Then decide what happens next.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I feel like a lot of women, when we hear the word authenticity, we think it means just be yourself. Would you agree with that? Yes. Well, what if the question is which self it should be? The version of us who says nothing or the version of us that trauma dumps on the stranger in the target checkout line, right? Right. Because most women, I don't think that we are struggling with authenticity in just one direction. We are constantly going back and forth between two extremes. Sometimes we're hiding, other times we're oversharing, sometimes we're doing both in the same conversation. There's this like full spectrum.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

Yes. There's this spectrum in between. And for whatever reason, we tend to navigate toward one end or the other and completely ignore the middle. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

What if I told you that neither one of those is actual authenticity, oversharing or undersharing?

SPEAKER_01 1:02

I'm interested to hear you talk a little bit more throughout the episode about why we do that and where it comes from. Actually, let's do it. Let's talk a little bit about what this behavior looks like. So I think on one end we said we have the undersharer or the self-editor, somebody who downplays their accomplishments, avoids sharing their opinions, doesn't express their needs, keeps their difficult emotions private, monitors constantly how they're being perceived by others. And then on the other end of the spectrum, we have the oversharer who is really quick to share deeply personal information. They process their emotions very publicly, overexplain their decisions, they feel compelled to justify the boundaries, and they confuse transparency with connection.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Said differently, if you are listening to this podcast episode and you recently went on a blind date and then got back home and you're thinking it's great, but then you're replaying the entire conversation, and then you remember that you just told them all about your ex and your therapist and your childhood and your emotional support candle collection and your blood work and your favorite sex position, and now you're considering witness protection. Would that be considered oversharing? No, I don't know what you're talking about. That's totally fine.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Yes, that would be an extreme example of oversharing, and you're probably not gonna hear from that person ever again unless he's an axe murderer.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

Or the extreme flip side. What if you're someone you've worked at the same organization with the same people for 15 years and they still don't know whether or not you're married or have children, or I don't know. I've worked with people like that, and then you're like, are they running this underground resistance movement? If so, is it something I want to be a part of?

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Yeah, that would be perhaps a serial killer, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:55

That would be undersharing, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Yes, those are of course extreme examples, but yes, so it's interesting because as I was reflecting on this topic personally, I am sometimes a little bit of both, depending on where I am. I tend to be more of an undersharer professionally, and sometimes in certain situations, an oversharer personally, more so in the specific vein of oversharing, of explaining my decisions.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

You're not like a TMI oversharer.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

No, but I do frequently feel compelled to justify the decisions that I make in my personal life because I made a decision that I think is gonna disappoint somebody.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Got it. A question for those of you listening, as you're hearing us kind of comically outline over versus undersharing and how each of us tends to lean. Ask yourself where you tend to go. Are you someone who kind of hides away? Do you overshare, or do you bounce between both? At the end of the day, and we're gonna talk about where it comes from. It does boil down to a word that you use, Amanda, and that is how safe you feel in that situation or circumstance or with your audience, with that person. Exactly. Most NDAs keep people quiet. Ours does the opposite. Around here, NDA means no dicks allowed. Not men, the behaviors that keep women small. This is the podcast for women who are done shrinking and ready to rise. I'm Amanda Kachurka. And I'm Elizabeth Cipola. Welcome to NDA.

SPEAKER_01 4:44

You at the beginning of the episode talked a little bit about these far ends of the spectrum not being driven by a desire for authenticity. So where does it actually come from?

SPEAKER_00 4:57

I would like to enlighten our audience to the fact that whether you overshare or undershare, both are emotional response tools. Said differently, when you land somewhere in the middle, that means that you feel safe. If you notice with certain relationships, certain people, you go over the top one direction or the other, that is a clue that it's a strategy you're using to solve a problem. And the question to ask yourself is what problem are you trying to solve? Because if you understand the function of your emotional response of that behavior, then you can stop judging yourself, like, oh shit, I didn't say enough or I didn't talk enough, or oh my God, I'm so humiliated I said too much. And now you can start understanding yourself. Here's an example. A lot of people, a lot of women, you you might think, oh, I'm private. And it's true. And do you mind if I pick on you as an example, Amanda?

SPEAKER_01 5:59

Not at all. Go for it.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Because you described how you tend to undershare in professional settings, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Yes. And so you might just look at that as I don't feel a need. I just want to focus on work. And maybe that's true. But how many times have I said it on this podcast? So much of our behavior and the emotional response tools that we reach for is fear-based. So I'm wondering, I'm curious where that comes from. Did you learn in professional capacities not to say too much because you're worried about conflict or rejection, or I'm just giving examples. I don't know, being misunderstood, or what is your fear?

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Yeah, I think it's I think there's a few different things. One of my very first positions out of college, I worked with somebody who was a chronic oversharer. And I saw how that person was received by my other coworkers. And it was like, oh, I don't ever want to be that person. So let's dial it back. And then I think there's also a lot of vulnerability in sharing aspects of yourself besides who you are sitting at your desk nine to five every day. And there was a position earlier in my career that I was let go from. And I had formed really strong relationships with my coworkers. And so leaving it was really sad. And I struggled a lot with that emotionally and mentally. And so it became this mindset of well, if I don't form the attachment, then there's less to lose.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Okay. So you're protecting yourself, right? And under sharing by undersharing, you're protecting yourself from getting hurt. Yeah. Okay. All right. So I'll share the over because I tend to be an overshare. And oversharing is one of my emotional response tools. And it looks like openness, and it is. I am a very open person, but I'll be very candid and share that it's also a form of me protecting myself. What I'm protecting myself from is being mislabeled or misunderstood or being unseen or ignored or overlooked or completely disconnected from the outcome. For me, it's like if I just lay it all out on the line and tell you everything immediately, and I'm talking about in work-related situations, if I lay it all on the line and tell you everything immediately, then maybe I'll feel connected faster. Maybe that will protect me from being ignored or overlooked or having my contribution misunderstood or misrepresented. And for those of you listening, I don't worry. This is something that I've worked on. I've talked to therapists, I have had coaches of my own. When I'm reporting to somebody else and it's not my business, not my company, and I have to play by someone else's rules. That's when I lean that way.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

I think the question then is what does actual authenticity look like in practice? Or where does it come from, maybe is a better question.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Yeah. I shared my perspective on the earlier question. I'm just curious to hear yours. Where do you think it comes from?

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Honestly, I think this is where I look to how I interact with you, for examples. There are very few situations that I can think of within the past five years that we've worked together where, and we go back to a lot about how you're feeling in your body. And I think anytime you're not being true to yourself, there's some kind of signal that your body's giving you that's like, this doesn't quite feel right. It's like putting on an itchy sweater. It is no, this is not this is not quite it. I think anytime where I'm going into a situation and interacting with someone and uh it feels like a comfy, cozy hug instead of an itchy sweater, right? That's a good signal for me. So just like really paying attention to how I'm feeling and if I'm able to have a free-flowing conversation versus constantly stopping and monitoring, am I about to share too much? Am I not sharing, you know, am I am I holding back? I think that's an area for me where I can just really pay attention to how I feel and how I'm interacting in the moment. And if it's flowing really well and I'm not feeling any tension, that's a good indicator to me that I am being truly authentic and it's not coming from a place of self-protection.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

When I'm oversharing, that is definitely a protective response for the reasons I already just explained previously. I do share a lot of myself as a way to ease the tension for other people so that they feel more comfortable sharing with me. And I think when I'm able to really be truly authentic, and I am able to be truly authentic with you as well, I'd say, it's when I don't feel like I have to protect myself. It's when I feel like I can survive and I can handle being seen by the other person. Because if if I don't believe that I can handle comfortably being seen by the other person, I'm going to do what you've seen me do before in other environments, Amanda, where we used to be together. I will either completely overperform or overexplain or try miserably to become whatever I think is more acceptable, or I'll completely shut down. None of that is a character flaw, but they are. They're protective strategies, I'd say.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Yeah. Can I make an observation? Yes. This is something that I've been thinking about as you've been talking. As I reflect back on our time at our previous employer, I think you were, because you were there for eight years. I was there for five. And as you were talking about overperforming, I think you spent so much of that eight years overperforming because there was such a fundamental difference in approach, personality, all of the things between you and the owner that I wonder if you constantly felt like you had to prove yourself. So you were stuck in this pattern of overperforming constantly. And then it finally reached a boiling point where then the overperforming faucet shut off and it went to shutdown mode.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

I would agree with that. Thank you for sharing that. I think what enabled that for me is what is giving myself permission to become more self-aware. It's amazing how long I allowed myself to respond to everyone else's needs for giving myself permission to ask, what do I actually think? And what do I actually want? I was good about noticing how I felt, but the what I want and what I think, especially the what I want, I didn't give myself permission to do that. What helped me to be able to allow myself to step into this different professional space is I gave myself, well, I forced myself to tell the truth. And not just the parts of my truth that I thought he'd like, right, but I started showing up differently. And I'm just curious if you even noticed that. I was showing all of it the strong parts, the jealous parts, the confident parts, the more insecure parts, the scared parts, all of it. And I wanted to see how it landed because I knew that if I had any chance of being able to truly experience an authentic existence professionally, which translates to your personal life too, I had to be honest about what my reality was. And if it was an environment I could feel safe in, not physically safe, but emotionally psychological safe to be who I am.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I definitely noticed when that shift happened, you modeling that allowed me to be honest with myself about how I was showing up too. And I think how that was received by the owner of the organization was the catalyst we both needed to be like, okay, yep, this is not, this is not a fit. This is not where we belong. So it's time to go out and do our own thing. And I know everything happens when it happens for a reason, but I wonder if we had come to that conclusion sooner, would we have gone out on our own sooner? Or, you know, I think there's exactly I agree. No, I think we probably would have unfortunately gone separate ways and we'd be working somewhere else, and I'd be working somewhere else. So I think we were both just at a point where we were ready to have that honesty and ready to receive the response from the person that we were sharing that honesty with, regardless of whether or not it was received well or not.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

And yeah, it was like, okay, time to go. Yeah, I didn't realize we're both doing this simultaneously because I truly was just worrying about what I can control, which is myself. And and it's almost like I made that choice, that decision of trusting myself enough to tell the truth and show the truth, show my truth who I am, even if someone else didn't like it. I hope I wasn't aggressive or reckless in how I did it. Not from my perspective, no. You shared something that that I just heard for the first time ever, that something in the way that I behaved or I carried myself was a catalyst for you to show up differently. And that is something that we always preach and and and invite our listeners to do, and that is to reveal more of who your true authentic self is in a way that can help other women so we all rise together, right? And I'm just curious, can you share specifically in a way that will help our listeners so they can try to model and do it as well? What is it that helped more specifically?

SPEAKER_01 15:49

Yes, we had sort of just started talking about potentially going out on our own and what that might look like. And you kept saying that you were feeling really guilty about having this conversation. We had all this work in the pipeline, and it felt dishonest to you to continue under the guise of yes, we're gonna continue working here. And I was terrified when you brought this up and you were like, I'm gonna have a conversation with the owner of the firm about not being happy here. And I was like, Oh god, is that a good idea? I was absolutely terrified. So you had the conversation and then you and I talked about it afterward. And I think that was the point where I realized, oh wow, she's really owning how continuing to work here is making her feel, and where there's a lot of misalignment with her being able to be her most authentic self. I don't know that I'd ever had someone model that behavior before. So that was like very new to me. And I was like, wait, you mean you can just sit down and be honest and be like, here's how I'm feeling like it, don't like it. It's just the reality of the situation. That's an option. What? Yeah. So I think that was the first time that I really noticed you standing up for and owning how you were feeling and what you needed, and being really upfront and honest and saying, you know what, I'm not happy. There's part of that that you own, but also as your employer, there's part of that that they own as well. And so not trying to take all of that on to fix yourself, right? Which is what I had historically, it's like, oh, I'm not happy here. Well, that's a me problem, not an employer problem. No, right. There's ownership on both sides of that. I think that was the first time that I'd ever had that modeled for me. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Because otherwise, I probably wouldn't be sitting here right now. Right, right. We've shared a lot about what this looks like and what to do about it. And I think there are so many consequences of living at either one of those extremes, oversharing, undersharing. There's the loneliness when you're hiding some of yourself. It's very isolating. We've talked about that on previous episodes and how important it is, especially for women in work environments and personal environments. We're drawn to having community and being there for each other. And I think the only way we can expect the systems that we live and work within to change is if we band together. So the more you isolate yourself by undersharing and protect yourself, fearing for your safety, the more you're missing out on those opportunities to connect and form community, which is what we're all naturally drawn to as women.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

You just said something that jumped right out at me. You're right. Naturally, by and large, women are meant to be in community with one another. But for those of us who overshare, I think a lot of times people misread that as comfort in being in community. But actually, that is also for me and for others when you grew up in a situation where it wasn't safe to trust being in community. It's almost like you allow yourself to be in control and have the upper hand if you do the majority of the sharing, right? It's not easy for me to bring my walls down, but something that's helping me personally is not not trying to put pressure on myself to be like radically authentic and super comfy cozy with connecting with other women overnight. Because for those of you listening like me who've had awful experiences, whether it be in your family, whether it be socially, whether you are bullied when you're younger, whatever it is, or when you're older, even because workplace bullying is a thing and mean girl club bullying is a thing for grown women. It's terrifying, right? What's helped me is not trying to be radically authentic, like a light switch, but instead I'm asking myself, what would it look like to be even just five percent more authentic here? And the answer for you is different than the answer for me. Whether you're listening to this and you're thinking, well, what would that look like for me? Maybe for you would be asking for help. Maybe for you it would be disagreeing respectfully or sharing an opinion or admitting that you're hurt or allowing yourself to be seen, whatever it is for you, just even five percent more, just a little bit more than you normally would, that's gonna help to bring that wall down.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

I think there's a couple of questions on either end of the spectrum. So on one side, before you withhold something, asking yourself, what am I afraid will happen if I share this? And on the other side, if you tend to be an oversharer, what am I hoping will happen if I share this? So, like what's the result I'm trying to get by sharing this? And is sharing this gonna help me get there? I think that can be a good starting point to understanding the motivation behind why you're withholding or why you're oversharing.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

Absolutely. And then there's also that whole notion of are you sharing because you truly want connection or are you sharing because you want relief? And relief and connection, they're not the same things. If you're in a social situation, you're kind of new to putting yourself out there socially and you're wondering, I don't want to say too much, but I also don't want to not say enough, you can say, Am I sharing this because I want people to truly know me? Well, then that means you're sharing because you want connection. But if you are about to say something and you're wondering if you should, and if the reason is because you need to, I need to get this out of me, well, then that's because you want relief. And if you are sharing because you want connection, that's what creates closeness and bonding and a healthy bonding in a relationship. But if you're sharing because you want relief, that's what creates emotional dumping and codependency and all the things that we know and our listeners know are not healthy dynamics and relationships.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

Right. Very well said. Thanks. I think we can transition to our regular segment shrink this. Yes, let's do it. Do you have a shrinking behavior you'd like to share? I do.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

It was at our photo shoot last Friday. And when it was happening, we're trying to pose for this shot with the photographer. And I was doing it. I was shrinking. And I think I even grabbed you. I'm like, okay, you did. I'm like, this will be my example next week when we record. So for our listeners, just so you know, last Friday we had a photo shoot for our business, which we're super excited about. Shout out Short Street Photography, Main Street, Williamsville, New York. And in fact, we're super excited because later this week we get to go and view all the images. Very excited. But during the photo shoot, I was so hyper aware of my midsection of my belly. And I kept catching myself like just wanting to try to angle myself differently or sit or stand a certain way. Or I she kept wanting me to lean against the wall. I wanted to hold like this big ass prop in front of my midsection. Anything. Or Elizabeth, why are you holding that giant plant? Mind your business. Or like or how to hold my arms. You know what I mean? I was basically all day trying to, I don't know, pull a full CIA operation to conceal my stomach and my back fat and my arms, right? So the shrink was believing that taking up less space would somehow make me more acceptable to the people viewing these photos. And what did we just freaking record an episode about? Body image. Did we not? It's funny because believe me, it's not lost on me, the irony that literally we created this podcast to help women stop shrinking. But there I was, I was shrinking, but just in a different form. I did catch it in that moment. So this podcast even helps us just as much as it helps you who return week after week and are listening. And even if you're just a one-timer, I hope this episode helps you. But I caught it. I caught the shrink. And I hope this shrink this segment helps you to catch your own shrinking. Because I said, okay, instead of hiding it, I asked myself, what if I gave myself permission to not make it mean something about me? It's not realistic to say to our listeners, confidence means that you're never insecure. But what I did choose to do in that moment when I grabbed you and I caught it, I chose not to let my insecurity be in the driver's seat. So that's my shrink this moment.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Mine is actually related. I think this is the first time that we've ever had something like this. I'm sharing a pre-shrink. I'm sharing a shrink that I know is coming. I'm trying to position myself to be more aware of it and to stop it in its tracks when I hear it piping up. So related to the photo shoot.

unknown 24:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

I did not have any issue with the actual photo shoot day. I was totally fine. It was like okay. I used to dance, I did pageants, I've done a million and one photo shoots before. It's an environment that I'm very, very used to. Okay. The part that I always hate is the image review. Okay. Because now, especially when I know I'm going to be seeing unedited images. So I was, it was hot on Friday. It was so damn hot on Friday. And we're like changing outfits multiple times. And we had a lot of things that because we're taking a mixture of different types of pictures. So there were blazers. There was one where I'm wearing essentially it's a sweater. I mean, it's a light sweater, but it's a sweater. And I was melting, actually melting, like makeup melting off of my face. I could feel it. And so I know that I'm going to be viewing these raw images, that I'm going to be sweaty. And I'm going to have similar thoughts to what you just shared about how your body looks in photos. I'm going to have those thoughts about myself. I know that I'm going to because it happens every time. So what I'm going to really try to focus on is to channel how I felt that day, which was this is really cool. I'm so glad we're had we have this opportunity to be able to do this so much earlier than we planned because this is a big expense for a brand new business. And the fact that we were able to do this sooner through you winning the drawing for the photo shoot, that was incredible. And just being really proud of what we've accomplished so far and wanting to continue to leaning into encouraging women to be their true authentic selves, not a performative authenticity. And just channeling that as I'm looking at the images and knowing that that's what this is all about. I'm trying to preemptively stop the shrink if possible.

SPEAKER_00 26:49

My harder part is getting the pictures taken. And I'll be doing some shrinking, I'm sure, when we look at them, but that's not my hardest part of it. So you were strong for me, and I'll be strong for you. Look at it again.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

So that's our shrinking behavior for today. As always, if you have shrinking behavior that you would like to submit, it could be shrinking behavior that you've recognized. It could be a question, is this shrinking behavior? We've had submissions on that before too, which are great because the purpose of these is for us to learn from each other and grow together and aim to do just one percent better tomorrow than we did today. So send us a message on Instagram. We are at NDA underscore pod. We would love to hear from you. Anything you'd like to share, Elizabeth, as we conclude?

SPEAKER_00 27:31

Obviously, the opposite of oversharing or undershare sharing is being in that sweet spot, that middle ground of being authentic. If you think about it, it is all about just being intentional. So, like we said earlier, it's knowing when sharing serves connection and when silence serves wisdom. And it's really recognizing if you are behaving in a certain kind of way to try to protect yourself or when you're performing. And most importantly, it's about having the courage to be seen without feeling obligated to reveal everything. Because, ladies, the goal in this existence for this lifetime that we're living, it's not about giving everyone access to all of us, it's connection, and those are not the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

Yeah, it's knowing what belongs in the room and choosing to bring it there on purpose.