Episode 9: The belief of not being good enough

I hope you got something out of this unedited, unscripted episode. 

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reach me at vevian@vozmediano.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome back to Breaking a Cycle, the podcast about unpacking your roots and rewriting your story. I'm Vivian, your host, and I'm so glad you're here. So I'm going to be really frank with you. When I started this podcast, I really wanted it to be educational. I wanted it to sound put together. I really wanted every episode to give you so much like bang for your buck that I wanted you to leave feeling like you really got something out of such a short clip. My clips are always, my episodes are always really long or really short because I want to make sure that you guys don't get overwhelmed with this information. So everything I feel like needed to be scripted and look a certain, look and feel a certain way. And I want to deliver today's episode in a different format. So this is just me not edited and just talking to you guys. I don't have a script in front of me. I'm just talking. And I'm curious how you guys are gonna be with this episode. Because I mean, social media is a place where I feel like even though people can sometimes still look organic, everything is still very polished, and it can feel really overwhelming as a content creator to present themselves in a certain way where I'm not a type A, I'm a type B. And I feel that when my stuff doesn't look quote unquote good enough, I can't put it out there. And I'm comparing myself to people like I'm sure a lot of you all are out there. Um now I'm just rambling. See, this is why I have a script. Today I want to share something that resonated with me so bad. I was, I'm gonna tell you a little story. So I was at the gym and I've decided to re-watch all the content that I originally got for my year-long course with Dr. Gabor Mate. I took his course back in 2020. Like I said, it was a year long, and there was so many series of videos that came with a course, along with meeting in person or meeting online with a group facilitator, and then maybe meeting with an even smaller group once a week for a whole year. So this little nugget here that I want to share with you was so powerful for me. I was at the gym, I was walking on the treadmill, and I watched these two videos, and I'm gonna put them together, and they just brought me to tears. And I was like, oh my gosh, I need to share this in my episode because it is so powerful. I'm really hoping that you guys get as much out of it as I am. So if you have this belief about yourself that you're not enough or not good enough, which if you're listening to this podcast, I can probably guarantee that you have that belief about yourself. It doesn't have to be extraordinary huge, but there is the belief that I'm not good enough. I just told you a little bit of a nugget in my life that when I just feel like I'm not good enough to post content to deliver a message because I'm comparing myself to others, but essentially I'm looking within myself and also recognizing that putting myself out there in a really authentic, organic form can feel extremely scary and messy, and I don't know how it will land with people. So there was a woman that was sitting down and she was talking and telling a story about her at work and how her co-worker said something to her and she took it very defensively. And Gabo Mate said, at some point, you needed someone to respect you. How far back does that go? And she's like, forever. Obviously, we all need respect in our life. And then he sits down and he's so good at reading quotes from different people. He is a really big fan of this philosopher, um, psychologist named A. H. Elmis. I'm pretty sure this quote is from him. I was trying to research it, but I couldn't find it. So this quote says, so he's sitting down next to this woman and he says, When a child is between the ages of one and three, now I wrote this quote down so I can read it to you guys. When a child is between the ages of one and three years old, being seen is a fundamental necessity. And he says, not just like looked at, but actually being seen for your authenticity, for your real self, between the ages of one and three. He says, when we are not seen by our parents, we can only conclude that they are stupid and blind, or that we're not good enough. And when this happens, those are the two interpretations that you can have. He said this, and then he says, which belief is safer for a child to believe my parents are blind and stupid, or that I'm not good enough for them to recognize me and see really see me. Obviously, I'm not good enough because my parents better be competent and with it to have me, to raise me. And a child between that age of one and three cannot intellectualize that my parents are incompetent to have me or to see me, to see the real me. So that belief of I'm not good enough comes as a defense mechanism to protect you from feeling the pain that your parents are incompetent to give you that attention that you need, and that I'm not good enough becomes that defense mechanism. So this belief that you're not good enough is your defense, otherwise, you will have to admit, like I said, that your parents are blind and stupid, and then Gabor calls this the stupid friend. So the he refers to this as a stupid friend because at one point it came along, this part came along, and it helped you survive, it helped you live in your environment, and now it's interfering in your life, this feeling of I'm not good enough. And he also says something really important. He says, Your parents may have loved you, but love is different than actually seeing. He says that this is so important because you may think that, well, of course, my parents love me, but did they actually see the real you? So when they don't see the real you, and then you have to craft yourself into the version that they needed you to be in order to keep that connection, in order to be loved and liked and acceptable in their eyes. So now you have all of these adaptive patterns, different parts of you that you've made up essentially to keep that relationship. And now you're in relationships where you where you think love is hiding parts of yourself because deep down inside it's terrifying to show the real you. And you think that if you actually see the real me, you won't like me. So instead of being yourself, it's easier to be the characters that you've made up along the way. Like the high achiever, the one that got all the good grades, the one that made sure their bedroom was clean, everything was done, the people pleaser, making sure everyone else is comfortable, not even sure what you need or want. Maybe you were the funny one, maybe you made everyone laugh constantly. That's just your adaptive pattern that you've are still holding on to today that keeps you disconnected from yourself. These are the adaptations or the protective parts that's actually keeping you disconnected from your authenticity. Because, again, if you really show the world your true self, they probably won't like me because my parents didn't like me. They couldn't see the real me. And I want to say this is so important. Like again, I know a lot of people that are listening are saying, well, my parents did the best that they could, but again, I'm sure that they did. However, that doesn't mean that they fully allowed you to express yourself at a young age. So I'm gonna leave you with this very important question. I just want you to sit with this week. What adaptive behavior, personality traits have you taken on at an early age to will to win that connection, that love, that approval, that validation, that connection with a parent, your parents, and how is that still playing a role in your life today? And if you are, sorry, I'm going on with more questions here, if you are able to show more of your authenticity, your real self in your relationships, and I'm not just talking about romantic relationships here, I'm talking about relationships with your friends, relationships at work, relationships out and about. What are you afraid would happen if you don't continue to put on these different roles? Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you found it helpful or insightful, I would love for you to leave me a five star review. You can always reach me on Instagram or Facebook or directly through my email. Thank you again, and I will see you next week.