Ep. 18 - Loneliness After 50: Why So Many Women Feel Alone (And What To Do About It)

Have you ever felt lonely even when you're surrounded by people?

In this deeply personal episode of Tea With Sophie, I'm talking about something very few women feel comfortable admitting out loud:

"I'm lonely."

Loneliness isn't just about being physically alone. Many women experience loneliness in marriage, in friendships, in family relationships, and even in crowded rooms.

As we move through midlife and beyond, loneliness can become even more common as children leave home, relationships change, retirement approaches, and our social circles evolve.

In this episode, I explore:

• Why loneliness has become a modern epidemic
• The surprising difference between being alone and feeling lonely
• Why women over 50 may be especially vulnerable to loneliness
• The three different types of loneliness I see most often
• Practical ways to create deeper connection and belonging
• How contribution can be an antidote to isolation
• The powerful shift from loneliness to oneness

If you've ever felt disconnected, unseen, or alone, I hope this conversation reminds you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You are human.

And you are far less alone than you think.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with a friend who may need to hear it.

For access to an incredible library of free resources, visit SophieUliano.com/podcast.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Can I say something that very few people say out loud? I'm lonely. I am really lonely. It's such a hard thing to say, isn't it? It's such a hard thing to admit. And yet, so many of us experience loneliness, a deep sense of loneliness. It can happen throughout the whole of your life. I speak to women, and in fact, I did a little post on Instagram recently about loneliness, and one woman left a comment saying, I felt lonely in company and crowds my whole life. So some of us have had a deep sense of loneliness and experience that. And there is a reason why. And that is what I am going to be discussing in this episode and to identify the different kinds of loneliness and what to do when you feel really lonely. You are going to feel so much better after listening or watching this episode. And I would encourage you to share it with any of your friends or anyone who you know who you think might be lonely. You know, loneliness is now an epidemic. It has been identified as an epidemic, if you like, that is as deleterious as smoking, or deadly actually, as smoking 20 cigarettes a day. And it is becoming more and more of a problem now, obviously, in an artificial world where people are spending a lot of time behind a screen social media. And now with AI, um, I predict that it's going to even get obviously even worse because we have this deep biological need for deep, deep, authentic human connection. And sadly, the our modern-day environment and technology is making that less and less possible. We oddly, it's paradoxical because in many ways we we can connect more. I can FaceTime with my daughter who lives, you know, the other side of the country. I'm on the West Coast, she lives on the East Coast. I can FaceTime with her every single day, multiple times a day if I want. In that respect, there is a sense of connection, I think, that we have that certainly my parents and I couldn't have had when I was younger. So I think, like most things and most technology, there's an enormous upside to it, but there's also a really big downside because the texting and even the face-timing doesn't take away or negate the need for a deep, deep, deeper kind of connection. What does loneliness feel like? It can feel so incredibly painful because it is it is an aloneness, isn't it? And again, we're not biologically wired. We're biologically wired to to feel a sense of deep belonging, to be in a tribe, to be physically together with others, just to be, to be with other others, where we don't have to perform or do do certain things or be a certain way. You're just being deeply, deeply connected with with your kinship, with your community, with your friends. And so what loneliness, I think the worst kind of loneliness feels like is when you are you're surrounded by people, honestly. You can feel lonely in a marriage, you can feel lonely in a really lonely in a friend group, you can feel lonely at a party or an event or a dinner party. Um, you can feel very, very lonely when you're scrolling through social media because you're looking at everybody else's seemingly beautiful, connected. Oh, look, they're in love, you know, they're a married couple, they're deeply in love, they're traveling, they're connected, they're surrounded by fat, all of that. Obviously, we see each other's best lives. We don't see those empty moments of crushing, crushing aloneness where you feel like you're the only one that is dying inside because you don't have that beautiful sense of you know connection around you. It can be the pain of uh reaching out and trying to connect with others, but feeling maybe ghosted by somebody, or that they don't like me, or they don't want to be with me. And I think the the worst pain of loneliness is very often the shame. It's that shame of they don't like me, she doesn't like me, and there's something wrong with me. And the deeper, deeper piece is that I don't matter. I don't matter enough for people to see me, hear me, want to be with me. And as we get older, we can start to feel really invisible in our life. We can start to feel, I'm not being seen, I'm not being heard, I am not visible. And that can be very, very painful. And then there are circumstantial reasons where so many women that I work with can actually feel deeply lonely because they've lost a partner. They're empty nested nesters, their children have left home. Maybe they've moved geographically to a place where they suddenly are uprooted and they don't have their friends anymore. I've spoken to so worked with so many women that have moved to go look after the grandchildren and suddenly they're feeling incredibly lonely because they thought they were doing the right thing. They thought they were doing a good thing, they moved to a different state, and there they are just being the babysitter. And as much as their heart is in the right place and it's wonderful, and they love their grandchildren, being a babysitter for six hours a day, just being alone with toddlers or babies and not the people around you that make you feel connected and seen and heard and alive, that can also be a deep sense of loneliness. I speak to women who feel very lonely in the workplace, in the job that they're in. Either they're a leader and they they've they're leading a team, but they feel lonely in that leadership position, or there's another reason why they feel lonely. I speak to many women who now work from home because since COVID, a lot of women, their job became they're on Zoom all day. They're literally working from home in a home office. That can be incredibly lonely. That is circumstantial where you are isolated, and that can be incredibly difficult. But really, what I'm getting to is I think within that loneliness, why it's so hard to admit is there's a little bit of shame in there. I should, and shame is I shouldn't feel this way. That's what shame is. I want you to remember in everything that I teach, shame is always there's that part of I shouldn't. I should or I shouldn't. That is where the shame lives. And I think the most painful thing about loneliness is I shouldn't feel this way because I have a lovely family. I am, should be really grateful. I've got um friends or a partner or I've got a lot around me. I shouldn't feel lonely. I sometimes hear my mother saying, who lost my father four years ago. And she does feel lonely. She says it's it's this deadening silence that she comes back to in the house. She she doesn't have pets, she can't have a pet because they won't give her a dog. She's such a dog lover, but she's at an age now where they're not, she's not going to be able to rescue a dog or really honestly take care of one because she's at risk of falling. So, you know, she comes in and she opens the house and she said it, she hasn't really admitted that she's lonely, but it's just she says, I have to say hello, house, because I've got to say hello to something, you know, and it is that that silence. So here's here's if you can identify with any of that, it's a very, very real thing. And let's just admit, shall we, that we all feel lonely at times. I can feel deeply lonely, sometimes in social gatherings where I feel kind of like a bit out of place, like I'm really not connecting with the group that I'm with. And there's all everybody seems to be happy and connected, and you just feel really, you know, alone. And, you know, there's other times that I can I can feel a little bit alone and a little bit lonely. And um, and it's just a real thing. It's it's something that I can just fully admit and almost in an odd way lean into, dare I say, embrace, and I'll get to that in a moment. But the dangerous drift, there is a dangerous drift. So there's a fine line between sadness. So the first piece here is we need to, we need to feel the emotions. We need to allow ourselves to feel them. We need to really process those emotions because the danger is when we try, when we push them down, when we pretend it's not there, where it's too embarrassing to admit, or we don't want to admit it. I think the worst thing is that you don't want to admit it because sometimes others are going to go, oh, that's terrible that you feel lonely. Don't worry, come over to our house, or come and join the book club, or come and do this, or come and do that. And that's lovely, and there's definitely a place for that, but it's not dealing with, or it's not that isn't validating what's really, really going on. The difficulty is that it's very easy to slip into self-pity. That's the danger here. And the danger of slipping into self-pity is self-pity is obviously your feeling sorry for yourself. And the cruel irony is that when you drift into self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself, you then become very needy. And the cruel irony is that when you're needy, then you will probably push other people away because people don't really like to be around needy people. That's the cruel irony. And so there's a very fine line. And we I believe that you are not going to drift into that danger place of self-pity of feeling like you're a victim and nobody wants to be around a victim. You're not going to drift there if you do this thing that I'm about to tell you to do. Otherwise, it's very easy because self-pity is often repressed, it's unprocessed emotions. You push it down and push it down, and then you get a little bit bitter, a little bit angry, a little bit resentful at yourself or others or your situation. And then that can very easily drift into self-pity. And again, as a reminder, the cruel irony is then you're gonna likely really stop pushing the very thing that you want away, which is connection with others. So, what you need to do is really process those emotions. You need to validate those emotions, name it, don't shame it, just name it. Sometimes just even saying out loud, you know what, I'm really lonely. Because can you see there's a really big difference? You might even feel it in my voice. There's a big difference. You're sitting with a friend or somebody that you can trust, that's somebody who's not going to try and fix you or give you unsolicited advice. And there's a real difference, or even just honestly admitting it out loud to yourself, but saying, you know, I'm just, I am feeling very, very lonely right now. Okay, there's a difference between that. Now, as I've said that, would you judge me for that? Would you make does that feel weird? No, it's just like that's how I am. I'm feeling, I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling lonely. I had a friend who said this to me the other day, a good friend, and she processes her emotions beautifully. She's a coach. And she said, Yeah. She said, I'm lonely. I'm lonely right now, Sophie. And I went, Yeah. Yeah. We didn't try and fix it, change it. We just were there for it. We gave space for it. We breathed it in, and it dissipated. So there's a big difference between that and somebody going, Oh my gosh, I'm so lonely. Life's so difficult. You know, there's a there's a difference between that. And and and I hope you heard that piece of my friend just going, I'm lonely. I I'm just really lonely. And and that there wasn't a need to fill that or fix it. It wasn't like, oh my goodness, oh, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Oh, what can I, what can we do? Come for dinner more often. No, she that's not what she needed. She needed to be heard. She needed space to be held for her so that that feeling and and other attendant feelings, because emotions, there's lots of other little mini emotions going on there. There was a sense of sadness as well. Sadness in loss because she's an empty nestor. Her children are living on the other side of the country. She doesn't have her husband. You know, there's a sense of deep sadness in there as well. And some fear, you know, fear about her future. So there's other emotions going on as well to really lean into, allow them in, as you're going to hear on so many of my podcasts, because this is the work that I do with the wonderful women I work with inside of my program. So much of this work is just allowing, allowing these emotions to process and to move. Because when they move and you just allow them to be, the thing that you fear the most, you actually realize, as the saying goes, there's nothing to fear but fear itself. Because just allowing that emotion in, it's beautiful. It then just moves and it dissipates and the shame goes. You're not making it wrong, you're not judging it. So that would be the first thing that I would offer to you is find a safe place, find a group, find a friend, um, a mentor. Um, really, what you want to do is find somebody or a group that is not going to just slap a quick solution on this, a spiritual solution. Oh, don't worry, or this too shall pass, or some kind of platitudes on you. Or the worst thing, the worst thing is somebody who's going to pity you. Pity you. I remember when I've been through certain things in my life. I remember when I went through a divorce, a very difficult divorce from my first husband many, many years ago. And I remember the worst thing was pity. Oh, oh, how awful, how terrible, how, and I know it was coming from well-meaning friends, but that is not what I needed. I didn't need pity. I needed people just to hear me, hold space for me. And ultimately, like I see with the women I work with, and I certainly saw with my beautiful friend that I sat down with, I see the possibility. I see that this is gonna move for her. I see the greatness and magnificence and presence in her. I know it's gonna move. So I'm not only validating her, but I'm really holding space for that. I see her strength, I see her courage, I see her beauty, and I see how things are gonna turn out for her, you know. And so when I say find somebody, you you want to be able to find somebody who's not just gonna slap a quick fix or a platitude. Not always easy to find, granted, um, but that's really what what you what you want to seek. Um, because that's really where the connection is. And and that is the connection right there that ultimately you're seeking. You're seeking a connection with yourself by validating your feelings, and you're seeking a connection with another human being. You're just admitting it, you're saying it out loud, boom, all the power has gone out of that. The sting has gone out of it, the shame has has dissipated. And that is a beautiful thing. You're human, you're normal. Loneliness is a normal, very, very normal human condition that every single person I have ever, ever met experiences at one time or another in their life. Now, the second piece, the second antidote, the first is to feel it, process it, already gone over that. The second piece is the outward. So the first is you want to go within and do the validation and hopefully do it in a safe place. And the second is to turn outward through contribution. So we have these human needs, these these deep, there are six deep human needs, and two of them are love and connection. That sort of goes in in one bucket, and another is contribution. That is a need. It is a human need that you have, that we all have for love and connection. That's when we don't have it, why we feel lonely, and contribution. And it's beautiful that those two sort of go together because when you go out of the out of into the world, out of your front door, and you want to bring something to the party. You want to contribute. What am I gonna bring? Not what are they gonna do for me, not how are they gonna make me feel better or how are they gonna make me feel comfortable, but what am I gonna do? What am I bringing? And you can do this immediately. You can literally go to the grocery store and with that um mindset and that intention of what can I contribute to everybody, anybody to this day? What can I contribute to the woman who's packing or the male, whoever is packing my groceries? What can I give? How can I lift? How can I contribute? How can I in some way leave somebody or something better today than when I found it? And that is a beautiful, beautiful way to open this channel. Um, this is genuine empowered contribution. It's not coming from neediness, it's not coming from fear, it's not coming from should, it's coming from I actually really want to get outside of myself, reach outside of myself, and I want to, I just want to contribute. So that would be something that I found to be the most useful thing. I can dispel loneliness anytime, anywhere, any place. I mean, obviously, if you're living in a very remote place and there are no people around, but there will be something that you can do, some way that you can give. Um, and this is absolutely beautiful. It's connection through meaning. And the third thing before I love you and leave you today from this episode of Tea with Sophie, is there's a deeper connection as well, which is available to all of us. And I believe as we get older and wiser, this is where the real opportunity lies to be comfortable. I think a lot of us are comfortable with our own company. I think we are, but to take this a little bit deeper and to find the oneness within. Because on a deep spiritual and quantum level, it's the separation that makes us feel lonely, a sense of that we're separate. And on a quantum level, we are not separated. We are just all one big energy. We are all connected. There is no, as woo as it sounds, there is no you and I and separation. Everything is just energy, a huge field of energy. And so, in that respect, this is something I learned many, many, many years ago from an incredible mentor, and it just shook my life, it changed my life, it was the most beautiful shift, psychic shift that I had, was really realizing that there is just space, there is just oneness, and my reality is what I'm putting into that space, which is very often a bit of an illusion, my story. But how does this relate to loneliness? Well, this allows me, it allows you the opportunity for a deeper, deeper connection of not feeling alone even when you are physically alone. And one of the ways in, the kind of little gateway in to this sense of connection. Connection, the sense of oneness for me, and it's just an offering, I'm just putting it out there, is actually meditation. Because for me, when I meditate, and I've learned I've done many different kinds of meditation over the years, but when I meditate and the mind gets quiet enough, really, really quiet, the conversation stops, the chatter dies down, the thought waves slow down. Either by the gateway into that could be breath work, it could be listening to binaural beats. These are some many of the practices that I practice inside the Ignite program. But in these practices, I allow myself to get quieter. And in that quietness, I access this connection with God, source, universe, whatever is resonant with you. Maybe it's just presence, maybe it is with the field, the quantum field. But I access this incredible presence, this beautiful, peaceful presence. And I all I hear be still. That's the word that I hear. Be still, be still and know. And when I reach that place, ultimately there is no loneliness, there is just oneness. And it feels so good. And I can take that with me. I can find that, I should say. I can access that anytime, anywhere, anyplace, and anywhere in the world, and have done many, many times through difficult times in my life. Now, easier said than done meditation. And if I did it more, I would be way, I'd be way calmer, more present, more happy much more of the time. I know it's available. It's like one of those things. I just wish that I did more of it. But I've experienced it over and over again. And I know I know how to get there. And that's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing knowing it's there, knowing the peace and the connection is there deep within. So I hope you found this episode um useful or something resonated with you. And all this to say is that I hope after listening to this that you can feel okay with your loneliness. I hope that you can feel that it's not something weird or that you don't matter or there's something wrong with you. There's not. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are just feeling a normal, deep biological feeling of caring. It's because you care and because you want and need to connect. So find that connection through validating your feelings, through going out into your day and into the world and seeing what you can contribute, and by possibly going within through breath work, binaural beats, whatever meditation works for you, and finding that stillness and connection and that instead of aloneness, that all oneness within. Thank you for listening, and I'll see you on the next episode of Tea with Sophie.