Redesigning Life with Sabrina Soto

SPECIAL EDITION: Breaking Money Taboos with Pattie Ehsaei

• Sabrina Soto • Episode 87

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Money—the last standing taboo in our society and the number one cause of divorce—takes center stage in this candid conversation between Sabrina Soto and Pattie Ehsaei, the "Duchess of Decorum" on TikTok. Raw, unedited, and refreshingly honest, this discussion dives deep into why financial independence remains non-negotiable for creating balanced power dynamics in relationships.

The conversation tackles Pattie's viral advice to "never date a broke dude"—clarifying that it's less about someone's bank balance and more about matching "hustle for hustle." Financial compatibility means aligning ambition, responsibility, and mindset rather than dollar amounts. They discuss practical strategies for maintaining financial independence, tactical advice for improving credit scores, and five crucial questions everyone should ask before marriage. 

Ready to break the money taboo in your own life? Listen now and join the conversation about how financial transparency can transform both your relationship with money and your relationships with others.


To watch the segment with Pattie Ehsaei and Sabrina, The Sabrina Soto Show: 

https://www.sabrinasoto.com/the-sabrina-soto-show/

Connect with Sabrina on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/sabrina_soto


Connect with Pattie Ehsaei here:

https://www.pattieehsaei.com/

Pattie Ehsaei on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/duchessofdecorum


Speaker 1:

Welcome to a special edition of Redesigning Life. Many of you know I have a new show called the Sabrina Soto Show Out and I was able to invite amazing experts in their fields just to come in and have a great conversation. But because it's a show, we have to edit it down. Now, these conversations, they were so good that I wanted to publish the raw, unedited version, and that's what this episode is. You're going to hear action and you may hear a crew in the background, but I wanted to publish this so you can really listen to the entire chat. So here you go, All right and set, and action.

Speaker 1:

Hi Hi Patti, I'm so thrilled you're here. Thank you for coming over.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.

Speaker 1:

I hope you're hungry?

Speaker 2:

Yes, I am Absolutely. What is this Caviar?

Speaker 1:

I call it. It's black bean salsa. Yum, how are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm fantastic, you guys? Patty Asai, otherwise known as the Duchess of Decorum, on TikTok yes, if you follow her, you know what she's all about. Why I'm excited about this conversation is because it's something that most people don't talk about. It's a taboo, no-no subject, and it's money. Yes, and even some of my friends don't like to talk to me about money, but my sister and I always talk about our finances because we help each other, we guide each other if somebody finds a good investment, but it is like this sort of thing that makes people really uncomfortable. But it's the most important thing in our lives. I mean, people get divorced over money.

Speaker 2:

Yes, that's the top reason that people get divorced actually is over finances, because we don't talk about it. Yeah, we go into a marriage knowing everything we need to know about the other person, except for their finances. I mean, after the question are you single? What do your finances look like? Is the most important question, and we don't ask it because it's like taboo for some reason.

Speaker 1:

I feel like it's strange that we don't ever talk about it, because money is important, as well as family and community and our health. But we need to have good financial hygiene to live a life, a good life, a well-rounded life. And it's not about the amount of money that you have, but being responsible, I think, is what is important, and I know that a lot of people break up because of money. You were saying that it's one thing that we don't talk about before we get married. Funny enough, I get made fun of when I was dating. I would ask, on the first, second, maybe third date, people's credit scores, because it says a lot about someone. But so tell me a little bit about your background. I mean, you are very successful. You're a vice president of mergers and acquisitions. I mean you are very successful. You're a vice president of mergers and acquisitions. What led you from going to being successful on your own to being more vocal and posting on TikTok about this sort of controversial topic?

Speaker 2:

You know I come from Iran. I was born in Iran and we moved here when I was seven and when I lived in Iran my mother worked. She had a great career. So did my dad. So I saw the power dynamics were very balanced. And when we moved to the US I didn't speak a word of English, I was dyslexic, I had ADHD.

Speaker 2:

But one thing I noticed. So I was really struggling as a kid and I noticed that my mother was struggling because the financial independence that she had in Iran she no longer had here because she couldn't work due to the language barrier. So she became dependent on your dad yes, she became dependent on my dad and slowly I saw the power dynamic shifting to where she just had less and less control over her life and what she wanted to do. And you know, my dad will always control the money and she would take me to the room every time that they would argue. She would say do you see how my life is now, when I don't have any money? Don't ever be this way. I don't care how much money your husband makes. You should always make and control your own money. And that's what I've just been like. That's been in my head this entire time, and that's what's driven me.

Speaker 1:

Okay and I agree. So in my background we were pretty well off and then my parents went through a horrible, horrible financial setback and I saw my mom completely fall apart and when they broke up, my mom was a stay-at-home mom my whole life. So she had no career, she had no money, and I remember being so young and it was embedded into my mind and my soul that that was never going to be me, so it drove me to be ultra independent I think sometimes too independent, yes, but we'll get to that too. But I think that it is important. But I think, what about women who do like a more traditional setup? How can they take control of being independent when they are a stay-at-home mom?

Speaker 2:

I think that's a really good question to ask. And if you're a stay-at-home mom, you still have options of making your own money. I think that every single person even if you're deciding to stay home, you should somehow make your own money and have your own separate bank account that only you control. So if you're a stay-at-home mom, great. There's so many things now we can do on the Internet. You can literally have a side hustle on the Internet, working a couple of hours a day and still make something for yourself, just so you have money to make decisions about your own life and I think stay-at-home moms risk that. To make decisions about your own life, and I think stay-at-home moms risk that. If you don't have money that you can control, you're really putting your life in somebody else's hands and you don't have decision-making power and control over your own destiny.

Speaker 1:

And maybe it's not even. It's also just being aware of being educated on financial hygiene. I think, from what you know a lot of my friends that have gone through breakups. They say they don't even know where their bank, what bank they you know a lot of my friends that have gone through breakups. They say they don't even know where their bank, what bank they, you know have their money in. They don't know passwords, they don't know where any of the information is, and I think even just educating yourself on what you have is important.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. There are so many women whose husbands not just in divorces but pass away, that have no idea about anything because we've been told that he's better at money than we are. So let us just give him all the money and all the control and let him deal with it. Well, what if something happens? We don't have a plan B and, by the way, that's completely false. Women are better investors than men. That's been proven statistically. Why do you think that is Because we don't think we know everything. Men are huge risk takers because they're overly confident in their investing and studies show that when women invest, we're really thoughtful, we really think through things, and part of a good investment strategy is to keep your investments and not trade all the time. And women keep it for the long run and men, they're overly confident, they think they know it all, so they keep trading and their investments don't perform as well as women's.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean I'm very conservative when it comes to finances because I think my background, I mean I think I've been a saver since I was a kid. I do remember in high school some you know how we always in high school had somebody would come in and do a speech. There was a lady talking about how her whole credit got ruined because of a $2 medical bill that she didn't know kept getting sent and it went to collections and I remember her saying that it ruined it and so I was always on top of my finances. But I think what you said earlier is like there's this power dynamic when it comes to money, and I think this is probably, would you say, it's true for even stay-at-home dads, or dads who are just men who stay at home.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. Stay-at-home men have the same gripes as stay-at-home women. It's just because money is power. That's just the bottom line. It's true, it is true, it's true, but we never like to say that. Yep, no one says it. Money is power because we live in a society where you need money to survive. Without money, you can't survive Period, yeah Right. So that is why money has the ultimate power, and he who controls the gold makes the rules. That's an old adage and that is true whether you're a woman, whether you're a man, whoever you are. If someone is making money, they have control, and more say so over what happens. Why do you think that?

Speaker 1:

people get uncomfortable when they talk about money.

Speaker 2:

Because they think that, especially women, that we're being gold diggers if we ask right, oh my God, you just care about my money. No, I want to know how financially secure you are and your financial wellbeing. It's not about I need you to support me, but I need you to be able to support you and support a certain lifestyle that we both want.

Speaker 2:

That's right so it's such a taboo because women think, oh, I'm being a gold digger if I ask. I ask all the time On first dates. I ask what is your credit score? This guy once told me that his credit score was 580. I was like that's an F. No, we're not. We're not. This is it. You know we're done.

Speaker 1:

But I think it's not about the judgment, right? No, I think there's a misconception there. It's not about the judgment, it's about, I feel it shows a level of responsibility, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

So when someone's credit score is low, what that tells you is they've made late payments, they may be have a foreclosure or bankruptcy and also their credit worthiness Right, because the creditors are giving you credit on your word that you're going to pay it back, and if you're not going to pay it back, you're not going good on your word. So what does that mean? That may translate also into the relationship. And without a good credit score, you can't even rent an apartment, get a car loan, you can't have a house because the interest rates are too high. You won't be able to afford it. So it really hinders your ability to live the lifestyle that you want to live.

Speaker 1:

There's a book that I absolutely love called the Four Agreements. I don't know if you've heard it Me too.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I love that book, I love it.

Speaker 1:

So one of the four agreements is being a person of your word. Yes, and I do think there is a connection between being a person of your word and financial hygiene, because if you say that you're going to borrow money and pay it back, you are a person of your word that you keep those promises. Yes, right, so there is a spiritual aspect to this.

Speaker 2:

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Now you went viral for something kind of controversial and pushed a lot of buttons. You know what I'm talking about, absolutely. You said never date a broke.

Speaker 2:

Dude, yes, never date a broke dude, so please tell me about that. So I dated a broke dude, so please tell me about that.

Speaker 1:

So I dated a broke dude.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I dated a broke dude and it really cost me financially. Before I dated him I was pretty financially secure and after two years of dating him I was $30,000 in debt and it was because he was in the industry trying to make it and he wouldn't work and he slowly he was living with his parents. First of all, a person 26 living with your parents, I mean, come on, no judgment. I mean you should, at 26, you should really have your own place.

Speaker 1:

Well, I mean, but what if you're in medical school?

Speaker 2:

Well, okay, so if you're in medical school there are exceptions. There's exceptions, right, I mean, there's always exceptions. He wasn't in medical school, and so he slowly started to move into my apartment and I was willing to pay for everything because I was so desperate to be loved. You know, I felt like if I asked him to do something, he may not love me, he may leave. So I footed the bill for the food, for the rent he never once offered to pay for anything, anything.

Speaker 2:

And we lived like that for two years and eventually it just got to a point where I lost respect for him and he was losing respect for me too. You know, it was Because you were enabling him. I was enabling him. I wasn't demanding anything from this guy, I was allowing him to just be a schlep on my sofa eating Cheetos while I went out and busted my butt. And I think what really came down to it was one day I came home and I had like four bags of groceries. Like six o'clock I'd worked all day and he was sitting on the sofa eating Cheetos watching the Laker game and I'm like, really, is this what I want out of my life? Is this dude? And a lot of women make that mistake.

Speaker 1:

But you said that it was because you were craving the love and the partnership.

Speaker 2:

I didn't feel worthy.

Speaker 1:

So what changed?

Speaker 2:

My breaking point was again that second that I saw him and I realized that his ambition and his drive just didn't match mine. That's why I lost respect. It's really not about making as much money as someone. You don't have to match me dollar for dollar, you just have to match me hustle for hustle.

Speaker 1:

Yes, okay, so I want to make that clear because I think a lot of people watching this will say this is so judgmental, it's so superficial, it's shallow. You know, usually financial conversations are. But it's not because, again to be clear, it's not about you have to match me dollar for dollar. It's about having ambition and having responsibility.

Speaker 2:

It's mindset, mindset. You don't want to have a broke mindset, there you go. That's what it is.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I just want to make that clear. Not dating a broke dude doesn't necessarily mean what's in his wallet. It's about having motivation and having ambition.

Speaker 2:

Yes, equal to yours, right. Right, because you know we've seen one rotten apple spoils the entire crate and eventually that is going to rub off on you, right?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know you. I know you also have the five questions everyone should ask before they get married. Yes, I wish.

Speaker 2:

I had asked these questions before I even started dating, and this is in my book Never Date a Broke Dude. It's coming out later this year. So let's start with the first question. The first question is what are your long-term financial goals? And what you want to learn from this question is if your financial goals align.

Speaker 2:

So if you have a goal to buy a home and he wants to live in an apartment with three dogs and two kids and travel all the time, that's going to be a problem. What does your budget look like If you're a saver and he's a spender, or vice versa? You're going to have huge issues and the way that you overcome that is really trying to compromise on things that are not going to totally betray you. Like, for example, if you are traveling and you want to stay at the Four Seasons and he wants to stay at Motel 6, maybe you stay at the Hyatt, right, those compromises help, but I've also found if you have joint financial goals, that helps you align things. So if you both want to buy a house and you're going to save for a house, you automatically are going to align a lot more in the way that you spend or the way you save.

Speaker 1:

That's right, yeah, okay, so what? Okay, those are two.

Speaker 2:

No, that's one. Oh, that's just one. Okay, one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. So number two is what is your debt to income ratio? Do you know what that is? I do. I used to be a mortgage, so you know, okay. So, for those that don't know, your debt to income ratio is your total debt payments divided by what you bring home gross at the end of the month, and that shouldn't be above. Do you know?

Speaker 1:

Well, back when I was, I think it was 30, right or 40.

Speaker 2:

Okay, there we go 43%. If it's above 43%, creditors are not going to extend you credit and that means you're on the verge of bankruptcy because you're not able to make ends meet. How?

Speaker 1:

I, I just feel like a lot of people these days because I feel like things are so expensive are not at that level. I mean, they're, they're doing their best, but they're not at that level. And so what advice would you give if they're calculating right now at home and they're at 60, 70%, yeah, almost living. Paycheck to paycheck, yes, you have to get a side hustle.

Speaker 2:

A side hustle, yes, and you have to budget. Budgeting is, first and foremost, you have to spend less than you make. That's the bottom line. So you have to budget A but also pay down that debt, because your debt to income ratio is all about how much debt you have. Get a side hustle temporarily until you can pay off that debt. You don't have to do it forever. I worked three jobs while I went to law school full time. I had two waitressing jobs and I had worked at a law firm, no kidding. And then, when I became a prosecutor, I also I thought you said no, a prosecutor, I was a lawyer. I also worked as a waitress at night, right Over the weekends, just to make ends meet, because I was only making thirty thousand dollars a year.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, I think a lot of people think, once they get into an entry level job, they might be done just with that job. Think, once they get into an entry-level job, they might be done just with that job. But it takes almost stacking situations in order to get yourself out of debt.

Speaker 2:

And there's no shame in that game. People used to laugh at me. They'd be like you're a lawyer, you're waiting tables and I'm like, yes, but this is what I need to do in order to be financially responsible.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, people call me a hustler and I consider it a compliment. Absolutely Okay. So what's number three?

Speaker 2:

Okay. So number three we talked about this a little bit. Is your credit score Really important to find out the other person's credit score? If your credit score is not where it needs to be, you can pull your credit score. You get one free one every single year. See if there's any issues in the credit score report. That to the agencies pay on time. Set up auto pay so you can just pay on time. A lot of times people just forget.

Speaker 1:

That's right.

Speaker 2:

Right. They just literally just forget to do that. Pay down your debt, like we talked about. Don't close credit cards. This is something people do.

Speaker 1:

Yes, Right, I remember when I was doing mortgages people would qualify for a house, Then in that 30 days they would open up other credit cards, close credit cards and then it completely screwed their score Completely.

Speaker 2:

Because when you close your credit card, your credit utilization ratio increases, and what this is is that the amount of credit extended to you what percentages of that are you using? So, when you're closing credit cards, you are getting less credit extended to you, which means your utilization goes up Right, and if it's above 30%, you're in trouble. So you don't want that. And, lastly, if you find someone that will be able to help you maybe your parents, if you have bad credit, if you're an authorized user on their credit cards then your credit score will automatically increase very quickly.

Speaker 1:

I want to explain this to everyone. So let's say I have a credit card for 10 years and I've always been on time. If I add an authorized user like my parents or my sister, automatically her name on my credit card makes it look to the credit report the credit bureaus that she's had that credit card for that long, so it will automatically help her credit. But I would only do that to add an authorized user if you add it, but never give the person the credit card.

Speaker 2:

Yes, that's what it is Never give the credit card to the person and you don't, because that person's already proven that they're not good with credit, right, right. They've already proven that to you, or else they wouldn't need you to be authorized signer.

Speaker 1:

I feel like that's such a good tip. Yeah, that is such a good tip, right, so tell people where they can find your book. When is it coming out?

Speaker 2:

It's coming out May 6th and you can find it on Amazon, all book retailers Free orders yeah.

Speaker 1:

And just to also reiterate, like this isn't just not to date, this is not just don't date a broke dude, it's don't date a broke person.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you know, I get a lot of these broke dudes in my comments saying, well, you know, we shouldn't date broke women either. I'm like, yeah, you should not date broke women, absolutely that. Yeah, you shouldn't.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's. It's again, it's about motivation, because I do believe that in partnerships, sometimes somebody is going to be wanting to get another degree and there's an ebb and flow and there are going to be times that you have to financially help somebody during. You know, a temporary situation Right, but as long as you are all on the same page and you have the same goals moving forward, then that's where that's the important thing.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. It's all about mindset, and you just want someone that has the same hustle, mindset and ambition as you do. That's really the bottom line.

Speaker 1:

I could talk about money all day long. Me too. I wish it wasn't.

Speaker 2:

I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject. I know, I know and we really need to make it non-taboo and start talking about it and being open and honest and being naked financially. I say Be naked financially in front of the other person.

Speaker 1:

I love that, and I think the inspiration here is we both came from nothing, right? Absolutely, we're self-made, yes, and so that's why I like to talk about it, because I feel like if I could build this beautiful life for my daughter and I, if I could do it, anybody can do it.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. I look around my house I'm like I can't believe that I'm here, but then I think, yeah, you can, because you bust your butt getting here right. So again, if I can do it I didn't have any language skills, I have dyslexia. Like I said, I had ADHD. If I can get through it, so can anybody else.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I still clip coupons Me too. No shame in that game.

Speaker 2:

I still shop at Zara, are you kidding? What's wrong from?

Speaker 1:

Zara.

Speaker 2:

Zara, zara and that this is cause yeah.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, patty, so much for having this conversation with me, and if you're listening at home, this is your invitation to start talking to your friends about your money and your savings and what your goals are. I feel like we're all in this together and the more vulnerable we are, the more we're going to help each other.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. Thank you for having me. All right, let's eat. All right, perfect.