How to Overcome Feeling Not Good Enough

What if the belief that's quietly shaping your entire life isn't true? The question, "Am I enough?" rarely announces itself out loud. Instead, it hides behind perfectionism, people-pleasing, overworking, comparison, and the constant search for external validation.

In this episode, we uncover where the belief of "not enough" really begins, why it becomes so deeply embedded, and—most importantly—how to free yourself from it. Because once you see how this story is created, you stop living your life as though you're constantly trying to earn your worth.

We explore how childhood experiences can shape a lasting sense of inadequacy, whether through criticism, feeling unseen, rejection, or the meaning we innocently attached to situations as children. From there, we examine how this belief continues to influence our adult lives—through social media comparison, relationship patterns, career success, and the pursuit of achievement as a way of proving our value.

I also share a personal moment involving my own podcast statistics and how easily genuine self-expression can become a search for validation if we're not paying attention.

Drawing on the wisdom of Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, and Michael Singer, we explore practical ways to question limiting beliefs, create space between ourselves and our thoughts, and rediscover the truth that our worth was never something to earn. We also look at the Reticular Activating System and why asking better questions can transform the evidence your mind begins to notice—shifting your confidence, mindset, and daily experience.

This is an invitation to stop chasing your worth and remember what has been true all along:

You were never broken. You were never missing anything. You have always been enough.

Transcript

The Question That Haunts Us

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What if you stopped trying to become enough and realized you already are? This episode is an invitation to rediscover the peace, freedom, and fulfillment that's been with you all along. Enjoy the episode. Most people are plagued by a certain belief that they've bought into. And the belief or thought that they've bought into is am I enough? Hello and welcome back to the James Grant from Podcast Super Sol series. When people start living their life trying to prove themselves with a false premise that I'm not enough. I'm not enough because I don't have enough. I'm not enough because I don't look enough. I'm not enough because of X, you fill in the blanks, it becomes a very, very exhausting experience. But this is actually a false premise. This is what Randy Gage likes to refer to as a mind virus. And I love that term. Because a thought that you keep thinking turns into a belief which shapes your story and shapes your life. And if you live like that, because as a child at some level, you bought into the story that you weren't enough because of maybe you were criticized for not looking enough. You were criticized for not being enough. You were criticized for not having enough. When this is shaped from your early childhood, you buy into that story. But it doesn't mean it's true, because in truth, as Abraham Hicks likes to say, you are worthy beyond what you can imagine. You are worthy beyond what you can think. You are and have always been more than enough. It's just at some level you've bought into a story that isn't actually true. And this is always shaped by childhood because in our child's mind, we can't reason with anything. We just think someone criticized me or put me down or made me feel not enough. So that's who I am, and that's my story. And that could be playing out into your adult years with relationships, with money, with love, with health. And you buy into this story and your mind recreates it. Your mind isn't the enemy, but maybe the stories that you buy into can be. But the good news is, is if you've created a story at any point in your life that isn't serving you, the good news is you can change it. And that is what we're going to do in this episode. We're going to look into the ways that you can begin to change your relationship with yourself so that you only buy into empowering stories, empowering thoughts, so that that begins to forge a new destiny for you. Because you don't want to buy into the illusion that you're not enough. Too many people buy into that illusion. I bought into that illusion. And when you buy into that illusion, it turns out and displays and reveals itself in your life through events and circumstances that feel uncomfortable, unpleasant, and challenging. And then you spend so much energy trying to make yourself feel better in the external world when all you really ever needed to do was change your relationship to yourself and the way you're thinking about yourself. So

How Childhood Writes The Script

SPEAKER_00 3:12

I mentioned briefly where these thoughts come from, I'm not enough, which can reflect in your relationships, reflect in your finances, your health, your confidence. Where does this actually all come from? Well, it comes from childhood, as I mentioned, and the reason being is because our childhood is where we store our first programmes and belief about the world, particularly between about the ages of six and ten, when we're in that slower brainwave activity, we're sponging life. And if we ever have an experience that isn't joyful, that isn't curious, that isn't optimistic, that isn't playful, when we begin to experience the other challenging emotions like in the playground, such as criticism, feeling unseen or feeling unheard, or feeling rejected in one way or another. Maybe a parent isn't present, maybe your parents have gone through divorce and you decide that you think you're not worthy of love because your parents aren't able to demonstrate love to you by being together. So you come up with a thought that you're not good enough so because they're not together. When that's not necessarily true, that's just because their own dynamic is different. Or maybe you were criticized in the playground and you weren't included in a group to play football or play some sort of other game. And because you weren't picked first or second or third, but you were the last picked, that means that you think that you're not good enough. And you take that with you. The child's mind decides that that's who I am, I'm not good enough, so I have to really prove myself to be enough so that I do get picked later in life. And maybe you didn't feel beautiful, maybe you were criticized for looking ugly or something like that. And in that criticism, you have really harsh self-talk, and with that, you think that you're not enough. That's not true at all. That's just what somebody said in a moment of disconnection, and you bought into that. These are really challenging situations that we have, and they hurt us. And when they hurt us, when we were children, we made a conclusion in that theta brainwave, then becomes the story. First they become your personality, and then they become your personal reality, as Joe Despenser likes to say. But you can change a thought and you can change the belief by interrupting that pattern and reshuffling and creating something that's more and powerful. Because you've always been enough, and what if you've always been enough, but you've just not been told until now. And this is what this episode is all about. So

The Many Faces Of Not Enough

SPEAKER_00 5:45

there are many faces of not feeling enough. You could be successful in your work, but you might not feel lovable because you weren't picked in school. You try to always be in this successful, confident business mode, but that doesn't mean that you're personally open and available to wonderful relationships. You might actually have resistance to being in decent relationships and healthy relationships because you've got that program running, you've got that thought running. And many people experience this. They they're really good in their work, they're really good with money, but they're not good with people. And so they try to overgive, and when they overgive, they fall flat. But in truth, I still feel unlovable. And you could see it also with plastic surgery as well. Now, whilst everything has its place, but people who keep getting more and more plastic surgery, at first it feels great, but then after a while, if it keeps happening and you keep doing it over and over again, what's actually happening is you're trying to fill a void, and that void is your own thought and your own belief about yourself. So when you see people who've gone way too far with taking plastic surgery, my heart goes out to them. But initially the first thing they should have done, really ask themselves is where am I believing that I'm not enough? I've seen it in the modeling world, I've seen it in my own experience, and I can't imagine what it's like for women because even as a guy, I noticed that there were comparisons, and it's only if you look like this will you get this type of job. And when I first started modeling, it was like heroin chic. It was like you need to be really skinny, and that wasn't me. Um, I was just a healthy, classic guy. And then later they wanted me to look really edgy. I was like, listen, I'm not really edgy, but it took me about a year of my life to be able to get out of this comparison zone, which was a really challenging, tail spinning headspace to live in. And if that's happening for a guy, I can't imagine what it's like for a girl to be able to go through that or a woman. Because ultimately, as human beings, when we start comparing ourselves, we lose our center. And that is the challenge. That's why Theodore Roosevelt said comparison is the thief of joy. And when we look on social media, as much as it can be entertaining and educational, every time someone shows you something that they have more than somebody else, you're actually sometimes feeling short of yourself that you're not enough. Only if I have more money or more stuff or a better partner or more ex or more this or more that, then I will feel better. But the truth of the matter is that's a false premise. You only want that because you think you'll feel better, but you need to feel better about yourself now. And if you're always coming from the premise, I'm not enough, or there is not enough, or there is a sort of shortage, or I'm falling short because of this, that, or the other, you're beating yourself up mentally over and over again. And so you try so hard to keep proving yourself. And even if you do succeed, it feels empty. I know that there was an Oscar winner who felt like that, and she came back and mentioned it. And I was so surprised when I came across that story and that case study. And the reason being is because you achieve externally, but you fall short internally, and we only ever fall short internally when we're believing false premises about ourselves. And the reason all of this happens more than any other reason is because your brain acts like a filter. Your brain is constantly filtering out to give you more evidence. So that's why when you say things like things never work out or I'm not that lucky, when you hear people say that, the filter goes, Let me show you more of that. But when you say things like, things always work out for me, things always have a way of working out for me, when you actually keep repeating those stories, your brain is looking for evidence to filter out to show you more of that. You know, the problem, if there is one, isn't wanting success. The problem is that success outside of yourself is trying to answer a question or give you evidence on something that it can't, because on the inside you don't feel like that. And when you change the inside, when you shift the internal dialogue, then that's when your reality begins to shift, your life experience begins to shift. That's what Joe Dispenser says. When you change your personality, you change your personal reality, which means when I change the way I look at myself and I see myself, then everything else eventually begins to change. So the belief of I'm not enough, if you've bought into that story, it could be showing up in your life in a host of different ways. It could be showing up as overperfectionism, OCD, as a way to gain control because you're feeling fear. So you're not enough. It's only if things will be okay that I feel enough. So if I'm OCD, then it gives me a sense of control. Overworking, comparison, needing validation, a fear of failure, a feel of getting anything wrong, avoiding opportunities, and of course, needing external validation from a partner all the time. Of course we need validation, but there are healthy amounts of it. But when you are really trying to show off and get validation from the masses, what you're actually trying to say is, I don't feel I'm enough. So only when you give it to me that I'll feel that temporarily. But alas, it's a band-aid that you have to keep putting on again and again, and it's a void that will never get filled. So we don't have beliefs. It's like our beliefs run us until we're able to change the operating system. Now I

When Metrics Trigger The Spiral

SPEAKER_00 11:30

want to share something with you candidly in my own experience that I've noticed. And it's to do with social media and it's to do with the podcast. And I thought to myself, listen, I've been doing this podcast for several years and I absolutely love doing it. And it isn't because I'm trying to do it for more listeners. It isn't trying because I'm trying to do it to be validated externally. I isn't because I'm trying to do it because only then will I feel enough if more people listen. And it isn't I'm doing it because I will receive way more opportunities if I do this and I get a certain amount of numbers that look attractive. That wasn't the reason why I was doing it. I was doing it because it was an expression of myself. However, at some point I started to look at the statistics, and then I started falling into this other avenue of if it's not performing really well, why should I be doing this? And then your mind starts to go on a spiral when I'm thinking, oh, that should be higher, that should be higher, but it isn't, and then start spiraling into the I'm not enough. This then becomes a spiral in the wrong direction, and it wasn't the reason why I started the podcast in the first place. So we all have these things where we need to be watching our mind, what is the reason why I'm doing this? Is it to express myself joyfully and intentionally to uplift and be meaningful? Yes. So whenever I start falling off the wagon, I need to be reminded of why I'm doing it. And you've got to look in your own experience too. You are always enough, and what if you've always been enough, but you just bought into that I'm not enough? And only through validation will you be enough. Incorrect. In fact, when you feel enough, everyone will validate you anyway. Because you're not looking for external validation, you've already got it internally. So when someone pays you a compliment or appreciates you for your work, your creativity, your business, your love or whatever it is that you bring, you'll always be like, of course. And that is because you're already coming from a cup that is overflowing and filled with love for self within. But when you occasionally ask yourself, is it enough yet? It's almost like when you reach that goal, the goals posts shift again and again. And then that becomes dissatisfying. See, we always got to be mindful of where you're paying attention. Are you falling into the trap of feeling like you're not enough because the external world is showing you? Or are you being reminded that you're enough and what you're doing is good enough? So the question then changes from am I doing this because it feels like it I'm expanding and it feels inspiring? Or am I trying to prove myself because I'm coming from a place where I feel incomplete? And that is a place you need to be aware of. Because when you get the balance of that right, you'll always be feeling good. Now, two people can achieve the same things but with a different belief system. And this is really interesting, but one will feel good and one won't. And let me clarify this: two people may be creating content, building an amazing business, creating wonderful relationships, reach amazing goals. One will feel like, I need this to show that I really matter. I need this because I want the world to see who I am and that I'm good enough. And the other will feel like I already matter. I know that. And this is just a way of expressing myself. And one of the best ways you can show that is by how natural you are. Because you can tell when people are forced and you can tell when people are natural. And when things are natural, you just it doesn't feel like you're trying to prove anything. You're not trying to prove a point. The only thing you're trying to do is express yourself in your own natural way. So the goal isn't to stop achieving, the goal is to stop achievement as a way to prove your worth. That's the difference.

Stop Achieving To Prove Worth

SPEAKER_00 15:24

So how do we challenge these beliefs? How do we how do we get rid of them? How do we overcome them? How do we shift these beliefs so that the story begins to empower you rather than disempower you and disconnect you? Well, the first way that we could use is Byron Katie's four phrases. And I had Byron on the show a few episodes ago, and I'll have a link to that. So if we were to use Byron Katie's work, the first question is take the thought or take the belief. Am I enough? Or I'm not good enough? Statement or question, am I enough? And then the question you ask yourself initially is, is that absolutely true? Can I absolutely know it's true? And then the next question is, how do I live when I believe that thought? How do I treat myself? What do I avoid? What conversations do I avoid? What opportunities do I miss? Then the next question is, who would I be without that thought? Not a story, no need to prove. Who would I be without that thought? And that is the process. How do we change the I'm not enough to I'm perfect as I am? Because the mind might go, I don't believe you. Instead, what you want to be able to do is notice the thought. I'm noticing the thought that I'm not enough. Not I am not enough. I'm just noticing the thought that I'm not enough. That's two very different things because then you're being aware of your thought. And this is what Eckhart Tolle says. He says, be aware of your thoughts, because the reason what made him have a traumatic experience that gave him a sense of enlightenment into the mind and to how it behaves is he goes, who is the I behind the I am suffering? He goes, Who is the I? And if you were to really look at that, it separates, there's obviously a thinker of the thought I am suffering. And so when one person thinks I am not enough, who's the person thinking I am? There must be someone behind that observation of thought. And this is what breaks that pattern. Because when you were a little child, you thought to yourself, I'm not enough because I wasn't picked, or I'm not enough because I wasn't good enough in class, or I'm not smart enough, or whatever it might be. And when you bought into that, that pattern became your now personal reality. And you shift it by being aware and going, I'm aware of the thought that's thinking I'm not enough. Okay, it means I'm not enough. I don't have to buy into that, but I can be aware of the thought. That is where change happens. And so you ask the question, where did I learn this from? Was it from the playground? Was it from school? Was it something my parents said or my guardian said? What was the event where I believed that? And even if you can't actually trace it back, there will be some sort of episode where you started to notice it. And then you ask, who would I be without that thought? And that becomes quite liberating. Who would I be without that thought? You probably feel free. And when I've done this in my own experience, I've noticed, wow, I feel free without that thought. Well, I I must be enough then. Or I must have always been enough, but I bought into the illusion that I'm not enough because of this. And then that actually becomes a really sobering moment where there's stillness. And when there's stillness, it means you've actually had a look at your life from a different perspective. And when that is when you can start to insert some new software, some new thoughts, some new beliefs. So you need to begin to act from this new state. And I love asking this question because this has helped me profoundly, which is if I'm already enough, how do I behave? What do I do? What actions do I take? How do I show up? If I knew I was already enough, would I create? Would I ask for that deal? Would I put my prices up? Would I take the opportunity? Would I stop waiting for permission and just go for it and take that trip and do it? Or would I start that business idea that I've been waiting for, but I thought, oh, I can't do that? But you actually go for it. When you ask that question, if I knew I was already enough, how would I behave here? And if you look at the word behave, it's be have together, behave. So that means you have to be that person now to have that experience. And when you start acting like that, that becomes your personality and then it changes your personal reality. So one of the greatest shortcuts you can have to feeling enough and being more than enough when you might not feel like it, when you're starting out, is to ask yourself, what would that version of myself that feels more than enough and amazing, what would they do right here, right now? What food would they ingest? What clothes would they wear? Who and where would they go? And what would they do and what would they not do? And when you start asking those questions and following through, then what happens is you begin to live from this space, and then the whole universe begins to morph and change around you because you're now changing your personal identity. So

You Are The Observer Of Thoughts

SPEAKER_00 20:06

the biggest spiritual truth here is there's three people that whose work I really appreciate. One of them is Michael Singer, the other is Abraham Hicks, and then the other is Eckhart Tolle. And Michael Singer, who wrote the book The Untethered Soul and the Surrender Experiment, said, You are not the voice in your head. So if you're not the voice in your head, who's running the show? You are an observer of the voice in your head. Very different. Abraham Hicks said, All you need to do is move back into alignment again and again every single day. And Eckhart Tolle said, You don't need the future to complete you. All of these ideas, all of these inspirations have a common thread. The answer isn't following something outside of you to finally make you whole, like a partner or a certain amount of money, or a business, or a job, or a relationship, or a certain way of looking. You just have to recognise there was a belief that you bought into that something was missing and there is nothing missing because it boils back down to this. What if you've already always been enough, but you just bought into a false premise? So maybe the question is, well, if I don't believe I'm enough in one area of my life, or maybe a few areas of my life, what do I need to believe or how do I change that in order to become enough? Well, maybe it's not just that. Maybe it's what story do I need to let go of that has been keeping me small? What story or idea or belief have I bought into that is making me feel less than in a certain area of life? And that doesn't make you feel then like you don't need to prove yourself. It doesn't make you less ambitious then. All it does is actually makes you more magnetic and attractive. Because when you already feel full inside, it's almost as if the whole world comes to you. Because when your energy's up, because you're not bought into a desperate need to prove yourself, you become naturally loved. Likable, naturally charismatic, naturally attractive. And people want to be around people who have that beautiful good feeling energy. And when we have that good feeling energy, stuff just comes to us because you attract green lights and great opportunities when you feel light, happy, and free. And anytime we're feeling as though we need force and resistance to attract something in order to prove a certain identity, it's only met with more resistance. As Abraham Hicks says, you can't have a happy result to an unhappy journey. You need to be happy on the way. And when you start to buy into the truth that you've always been enough, when you start to buy into the understanding that you are amazing, you are awesome. You just might have forgotten it. And you might forget it from time to time each day. But it's good to remind yourself that when I start behaving and acting as if I'm more than enough, you will notice that you'll never want to hurt anybody or upset anybody when you're acting from this space. Because this is who you truly are. You're not going against nature. You are nature. And when you work with the patterns of your mind that are actually empowering thoughts, empowering beliefs, you feel fantastic. But when you go against your mind, you feel terrible. And that is the difference. You will know by the way you feel how well you're doing. Because when you're feeling amazing, you want to create. When you feel good about yourself, you want to contribute to the community and other people in beautiful, meaningful ways. Not because you need validation, but because that's who you are. And if you knew you were already good enough, what would you want to create today? I mean, that's a wonderful question. If you knew you were already good today, what would you want to create? How would you want to express yourself? And there are many answers to that, but only you can answer that. So here

Reticular Activating System And Better Questions

SPEAKER_00 23:44

are a few tools to leave you with. If you're feeling like you're not enough, if you're feeling like you're challenged, this is a few good tools that I've noticed that have helped me recalibrate that false premise into an empowering story. Number one, just remember this. Your reticular activating system's job in the base of your skull is to filter out everything you're giving you attention to. So when you buy into the belief you're not enough, it's going to show you evidence of that. But when you start asking the question, well, what if I'm enough? What if I'm already enough? What if life is actually happening for me in a positive way? What if the past doesn't define my future? And what if I'm moving positively forwards? What if life is helping me in ways I can't even see yet? And what if I'm already enough? And what if life shows me I'm already enough? You know, when you start asking that question, things begin to shift inside of you. And the more you ask yourself that question, without necessarily trying to answer it straight away, you set the new frequency, the new dial of how you begin to perceive life. It's almost as if you start to have a new radar and you you tune into a new channel on the radio, so to speak. And when I began to do this, I started, well, what if life is working out? And what if I am good enough? And what if I can do this? And wouldn't it be nice if I did this? And wouldn't it be nice if this happened? As soon as I started asking these questions, my life began to shift. And especially in some of the most challenging moments, because the quality of your life is determined by two things the people you hang around with, the relationships you have, and the quality of the questions you keep asking yourself over and over again. So as soon as you start to be able to shift that dialogue with yourself, asking empowering questions, and what if I've already been enough? What if I've always been enough? And you buy into that, you won't fall into despair, you won't fall into depression. Because as soon as you start to fall into a heavy despair or heavy depression, which I empathize and have so much compassion for people here, I know that at some level of my being, I've felt depressed for sure. I felt all the emotions on the emotional scale. But I was thinking about myself rather than the entire world. I was more self-absorbed at that time. But as soon as I started asking better questions, that's when everything began to shift. When I go back to those modeling days I was talking about when I was feeling that disconnection and that year of self-doubt, and I was feeling that year of like complete disconnection for a moment because of that comparison, I was thinking, I'm not enough. That's why I felt disconnected. But as soon as I start to ask the question, well, what if I'm enough? You know, what if there are clients who are looking for someone like me instead of this edgy whatever, which which I'm not? So as soon as you ask this question, well, what if I'm enough? And what are there people looking for someone just like me? This opens the door in your mind, which shifts everything. And if you've been feeling stuck in love, if you've been feeling stuck in money, if you've been feeling stuck in any area of your life, what if someone is looking for someone just like you? And the answer is if you're asking that question, there is someone looking for someone just like you.

Green Lights And Closing Message

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this episode. I hope it's empowered you. I wish you a wonderful week ahead and green lights all the way. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who may benefit. Thank you for your support.