Soul Joy: Burnout Truths for Brilliant Women

Holding Space Without Losing Yourself: A Guide for Professional Helpers

• Dr. Julie Merriman • Season 2 • Episode 26

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 Helpers—counselors, teachers, nurses, caregivers, pastors—we are often the ones people turn to in their most vulnerable moments. We hold space for them. But here’s the problem: if we aren’t intentional, we end up carrying the weight of their pain, draining ourselves dry in the process.

In this week’s episode of Soul Joy: Ditch Burnout and Fall in Love with Life, Dr. Julie Merriman shares a 5-step framework to help you hold space without losing yourself. You’ll learn simple, actionable practices rooted in neuroscience, counseling theory, and lived wisdom. This episode is your permission slip to show up with compassion and care—while protecting your energy and joy.

You’ll Learn:

  • The true meaning of “holding space” and how it heals
  • The hidden traps helpers fall into (boundary blurring, savior mindset, neglecting recovery)
  • 5 actionable steps you can implement immediately to protect your energy
  • Why daily joy rituals aren’t “optional self-care” but a professional necessity
  • Reflection prompts you can journal through today

Resources:

🌐 Learn more at: juliemerrimanphd.com

Speaker 1:

Hey y'all, I'm Dr Julie Merriman and welcome to SoulJoy. If you're a professional helper whether you're a counselor, nurse, pastor, doctor, teacher or caregiver you know the sacred work of holding space for others. It's holy ground, but it's also heavy ground and if we're not careful, it could drain us dry. Okay, today we're talking about how to hold space for others without losing yourself. My hope today is that you're going to walk away with practical tools you can start using today, this minute, to protect your own energy, so you can stay grounded. And, y'all, I want you to be able to keep showing up with compassion and without burning out. That is the whole reason I have created this podcast. I want you to have resources to protect you from burnout, protect you from compassion fatigue, protect you from all those secondary stressors that we, as professional helpers, are exposed to. Okay, so the first thing we're going to look at, segment one what does it mean to hold space? I know I used to hear that and I'd think, oh, that sounds pretty groovy, but what the hell is it? I really don't understand what that means, and I mean, obviously. I highly encourage you to take a look at my book In Pursuit of Soul Joy. That is my journey through burnout when I didn't know how to hold space. I didn't know a lot of stuff back then and that book outlines my journey back to humanness, to wellness. But what does it mean to hold space? Okay, holding space means being fully present for someone. Yeah, we do this daily. I'm talking to counselors. We do this daily for our clients. I think all professional helpers do this daily. We hold sacred space, being fully present for someone else. We listen without judgment, we allow their stories to unfold and we offer safety without rushing to that fix right. That dishonors our clients. If we start doing problem solving the minute a session starts, we allow a sacred space to be developed where they feel safe and they're able to go and explore those deep, dark places that are always well, really, they're probably never fun to explore, but they're not fun to explore. But through us holding space, there's a safety and we don't rush to fix. That is insulting. We don't get to problem solving until we get to the end of the session. That is insulting. We don't get to problem solving until we get to the end of the session and I think sometimes we do that and it overtaxes us as well as overtaxing our clients. But y'all, holding space in essence is healing. But here's the truth If you're constantly holding space for others and never tending to your own, you're going to end up very depleted. All that stuff I always talk about compassion, fatigue, resentment and exhaustion will sneak in. It's eminently important that we understand what holding space means, we understand the energy we put into it and we take time to assess what we need after we've held such sacred space for others. Okay, so that's what it means to hold space.

Speaker 1:

Next, let's talk about why we lose ourselves, why we lose ourselves in the process. So I believe and you know, like I tell you, I go and do some research each week so I can have, I want to have data, I want to have meat to feed you. That's all I mean to share with you in this podcast. So here's what I believe are the reasons we lose ourselves in the process of holding space. Three common reasons that we professional helpers will lose ourselves. Number one boundary blurring. I've seen it, I've lived it, I know it's real. When your clients, students, family members' emotions start to feel like they're your own emotions, that's a flag that we want to pay attention to.

Speaker 1:

Boundary blurring Save your mindset, believing you're responsible for fixing everyone, and I don't say that insulting the personalities. They get into the professional helping field we often need to be needed without really sitting down and exploring what exactly that means. And how is that serving my client? That save your mindset can sneak in. Yeah, we are not. It is impossible for us to be everything to everyone. We have a certain niche that we really serve well and we do our best to take care of that. But even in that we are merely a journey taker. We walk alongside our clients as they go through the process of healing. We are not God, we're not the Savior. We cannot fix them. Good old Texas term right, going to fix it, we can't fix them. We have to really explore that.

Speaker 1:

If we feel that coming up that save your mindset, that's a flag and, I think, a beautiful opportunity to really explore that in our own counseling sessions with our own therapist. What is coming up here? What is this about? What is it tied to? Third, there's the neglecting of self-recovery, the pouring out without ever refilling. We got to refill that vessel. We cannot continue to pour from that pot and expect it not to go dry, expect us not to be impacted by how that feels we cannot neglect self-recovery.

Speaker 1:

That should happen between every session. You should have some sort of ritual. I don't care if you're a medical doctor, I don't care if you're a nurse going from room to room in the hospital, I don't care if you're a counselor, a school teacher however, you fall into the helping professionals. You need to have a ritual to check that energy, re-energize self-recover between the people you work on. Now I'm thinking about nurses. When my husband and I were living in the hospital due to all his brain cancer stuff, I know nurses are hopping. There's one of you and lots of people pulling at you. But even in that situation you can figure out a real quick ritual. Maybe it's a big rectangle breath, maybe it's a quick visualization, maybe it's some tapping the EFT, tapping stuff. There is something all of us can do to get that self-recovery taken care of between the people we serve. Only then do we provide the best clinical decisions, because we're showing up whole Y'all research shows and this is Figley 2013, salem and that's a big Salem et al 2023,.

Speaker 1:

Their research shows that helpers who lack recovery rituals are more prone to burnout and vicarious trauma and you did not spend all the money and time and energy and effort to get through all your education, to fall out of love with this profession because you're burned out, because you're traumatized. Take the time to take care of you. The payoff is huge. The cost is minimum. Now the cost if you don't do it becomes large. Okay, so that's the three reasons why. Actionable steps for you, protecting your space while holding theirs, your clients, others. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So first step one is for you to anchor yourself before the encounter. You know I would recommend a two-minute grounding breath before sessions, meetings or caregiving moments. But I know the reality of life. You may not have two minutes, maybe you have 30 seconds. Do that, take that, ask yourself, as you're doing that grounding breath before sessions, meetings or caregiving moments, you ask yourself what is mine to hold and what's not? When we work with people with a lot of pain, that can be overwhelming and we might try to take on some of that pain. But that is not yours to hold. It's yours to be present with, it's yours to help that client hold space for and explore, but it's not yours to put in your backpack and take home what is mine to hold and what's not.

Speaker 1:

Step two is to use micro boundaries in the moment. So here y'all, I want you to picture a clear glass wall. I just remodeled my master bathroom and put in this gorgeous glass wall around my shower. So I mean I'm picturing that when I say, picture a clear glass wall, empathy flows through, but emotions don't stick. Hear that again, this imaginary glass wall where empathy can flow through, you can provide that to your client, but emotions do not stick. The client's emotions do not stick on that wall. You want to keep your language supportive but contained. I hear how painful this is. Instead of, please don't say this. I feel your pain, we can't feel. We don't want to insult a client by saying oh, I know how you feel, we don't. Everyone feels different. We are there to be with them, not to feel it for them. We are there to provide a sacred space for them to feel, but it is impossible for us to know exactly how they feel because we are all different and come to that moment from very different experiences.

Speaker 1:

Step three you want to ritualize the release. Ritualize the release After each encounter. Practice closing ritual. After each encounter, you need to practice a closing ritual. I mentioned a couple earlier. Maybe a square breath, or maybe you just tap your feet on the ground, notice the energy in your body. Maybe you do a body scan where am I feeling this? And bring compassionate love to that spot on your body. Maybe it's the EFT tapping plethora of things. You know what will work for you. Another couple of things you could do just shake out your arms right, just release that energy. Maybe you could write down just one sentence about the interaction and then close your notebook. Or perhaps you literally wash your hands as a symbolic release. And nurses, you're having to wash your hands anyway. Maybe you approach that a little differently each time. And physicians, I mean, you know it's the energy you bring to this ritualizing release that is going to help you.

Speaker 1:

And then, step four you want to refill with joy daily. Right, I talk about this a lot. Self-care isn't about removing crap. Self-care is about being so full of things that are joyful for you. You don't have to worry about removing stuff because the room has been taken up with the joy, the things that feel good. So step four refill with joy daily. I invite you to schedule 10 to 15 minutes of something that brings you absolute joy. Maybe walking your dog, maybe singing, journaling, or just sitting on your porch and drinking coffee.

Speaker 1:

My husband and I. When we built this house, we really walked around the property and found the perfect spot. It's on a hill and the view and I really had to think which way is the house going to face. I made sure the backyard faced the view and I've created an outdoor living room out there with a couple of rocking chairs, coffee table plants. He got me one of those big giant swinging bed kind of things. I love it, but the view is majestic. There's all these oak trees and off in the distance there's hills and vistas. It's just a beautiful view. That is a place that I can go to drink my coffee and really experience joy. I really invite you.

Speaker 1:

When you think about what am I going to do to refill my joy daily, you think about what am I going to do to refill my joy daily, think about something that involves the outdoors, simply because outdoors it's so grounding that vitamin D from the sun, which we know helps regulate our emotions, which we can struggle with as professional helpers find. You know. I just invite you and maybe we can't all the time. There's times I plop my butt on the sofa and I like to. I think I just invite you, and maybe we can't all the time. I mean, there's times I plop my butt on the sofa and I like to color. I think I've told you all this. There's a coloring app I have on my phone. I love to color and listen to an audible or a podcast. I love it. We all know what brings us joy.

Speaker 1:

I invite you to take the time so that at the drop of a hat, if someone says, hey, bill, what's something you do that brings you joy, you don't have to think you go, boom, sit on my back porch and drink coffee, boom, know what you're doing to bring joy and do it. And I just you know. I want you to name this joy-filling time as recovery time, not some optional self-indulgence, it's recovery time, which is why I do allow myself to plop on my sofa and I love my sofa. It's this big yellow velvet sofa, big wraparound, sectional. It's a sectional but it takes up most of the living room. I just love it. I used to not allow myself time to sit and just not just. It's self-recovery to self-recover period, let me just put a period there. But through my burnout and recovery process I have learned the value of recovery time. It is not optional self-indulgence, it's recovery time so I show up better for my husband, for my kids, for my clients. It's important, okay.

Speaker 1:

And then step five is for you to build a support circle. Helpers need helpers too. Create peer check-ins, maybe a supervision group or a friend accountability call. What do you do to support yourself right here, right now, if we were sitting together and I said, okay, jane, help me understand what you do to take care of yourself, what circle do you have around you? What would you say Now, maybe some of y'all are going. Easy, jules, I do blah, blah, blah, but maybe some of y'all are going. It's a good one, I don't. So do Find a place to create that circle. You want to, in this circle, be asking each other how are you holding up? What's one thing you're doing just for you this week? Those are important things for us, as professional helpers, to be considering, to be considering, okay. So actionable steps to protect your space while holding space for others.

Speaker 1:

Anchor yourself before the encounter, use micro boundaries in the moment that glass wall. Empathy goes out. Emotions don't stick. Ritualize the release, refill with joy daily and build a support circle which brings us to reflection prompts for you all to think about. Now, right here.

Speaker 1:

I want to just pump the brakes a moment. I highly encourage y'all to sign up to get this email weekly where I send you the podcast and I send you a free, soul nourishing PDF. I believe that's very important and I create a very beautiful PDF to nourish your soul each week. All you have to do is hop over to wwwjuliemerrimanphdcom and sign up and I'll send you these with love each week. I hate to say email is because I'm not trying to sell you anything, I promise. I just want to get this podcast to you in your inbox so it's easy, breezy to listen to and you have that PDF, all right. So I have created three prompts for you to think about. So grab your journal and write. Or, if you're like me, when I'm listening to a podcast I'm probably out in the garden. Or, like I say, coloring on my phone, I'm not where I'm writing, so certainly think about it. But if you can write it down, I think the kinesthetic action of writing things down is so cathartic and therapeutic and important, okay.

Speaker 1:

So, first one who are you holding space for right now? Okay, who are you holding space for right now? Where do you feel yourself getting depleted? Do you feel yourself getting depleted. That's an important one. Where are you getting depleted? Where is that feeling in your body and where is it in your life?

Speaker 1:

Which of the five steps I just talked you through could you start practicing today? Which of those five steps? And let me just remind you, anchor yourself before the encounter. Use micro boundaries in the moment. Ritualize the release, refill with joy daily, build a support circle. Which one of those could you start practicing today? Okay, so that's a lot of good information for you to apply.

Speaker 1:

Friends, I just invite you to understand, to think about, to internalize that holding space is one of the most sacred gifts we give, but your well-being matters too. When you ground yourself, set micro boundaries, release what's not yours, refill daily and lean on your community, you can keep showing up with compassion without losing yourself in the process. Without losing yourself in the process. Okay, if you love today's episode, share it with another helper who might need these reminders. And don't forget to grab your free Soul Joy Starter Guide, and really the only way to grab that in this moment is to get on my list so I can get it emailed to you, because this starter guide is going to kickstart your burnout prevention journey and I have it linked in the show notes, how to sign up to get these emails. So until next time, may you find joy in the work, peace in the pauses and love in your own life.