The Toxic Gratitude Trap: Why Women Healers 50+ Stay Stuck in Burnout — and How to Break Free

Have you ever felt like you’re supposed to be grateful for your burnout?
Like you’re drowning, but everyone keeps telling you to “focus on your blessings”?

That’s not spiritual maturity.
That’s toxic gratitude—and it’s keeping women healers over 50 stuck in compassion fatigue, exhaustion, and self-abandonment.

In this episode of I pull back the curtain on a truth most helpers never hear:

You can’t heal burnout by being more grateful.

This conversation is one of the most necessary mindset shifts for midlife professional helpers today.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• The neuroscience behind toxic gratitude and why forced positivity actually worsens burnout, guilt, emotional exhaustion, and nervous system dysregulation.
•  The psychology of spiritual bypassing and how “I’m blessed” becomes a silencing mechanism for helpers who are deeply depleted.
•  The chakra-based explanation for why your throat, heart, and sacral chakras are shutting down under the weight of gratitude you don’t actually feel.
•  Why systemic burnout cannot be healed through mindset alone—and why honesty, boundaries, and emotional permission are the real path toward Radiance.

You’ll walk away with three research-backed reframes that immediately interrupt the burnout cycle:

1. Replace “I’m grateful” with “I’m acknowledging.”
   A powerful DBT-aligned tool that validates your lived reality instead of bypassing it.
2. Replace “I’m blessed” with “I deserve boundaries.”
   Root-chakra grounding language shown in research to reduce compassion fatigue by 34%.
3. Replace “I should be grateful” with “I’m allowed to feel.”
   Because suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they lodge in the body, shut down your sacral chakra, and accelerate burnout.

Then, I lead you through a 10-minute Truth & Release Practice combining nervous system regulation, chakra clearing, emotional truth-telling, and micro-boundary setting.

This is the moment your healing begins.
This is where Radiance returns.
And this is where you stop abandoning yourself in the name of gratitude.

If this episode hit home, here’s your next step forward:

Take the Burnout & Compassion Fatigue Archetype Quiz to discover exactly why you’re exhausted and how your archetype can rise - link below.

Download your free Compassion Fatigue Cure Starter Guide and the Burnout to Radiance Reset so you can stop bypassing, start healing, and rebuild your life from truth instead of depletion - link below.

And remember: we rise together.

Share this episode with another woman healer over 50 who is running on empty.
She needs this message.
We all do.

THE DIAGNOSIS: Are you the Martyr who can't say no? Or the Warrior who fights until she collapses? You cannot heal what you cannot name.

👇 Take the 60-Second Quiz to find your Burnout Archetype: [CLICK HERE TO REVEAL YOUR ARCHETYPE]

Join the Rebellion: If this episode woke something up in you, share it with a colleague who needs permission to stop. We rise together.

Reach out to Dr. Julie

Episodes drop every Tuesday at 5am and every Friday at noon.

Special guest episodes drop the 4th Thursday of every month at 7am.

Transcript

0:02

Welcome back to the Compassion Fatigue Cure. Okay, I'm excited y'all. This is Thanksgiving or tomorrow is um, and today we are talking about something that's going to piss some people off, but it needs to be said. I want you to stop being grateful for your compassion fatigue and burnout. Stop it. And I said it. Yes, I said it. And before you click away thinking Dr. Jules has just lost her mind. Um, gratitude, right? Gratitude is everything. Well stick with me because what I'm about to share is going to change the way you see burnout, the way you see compassion fatigue, how you see your worthiness, and maybe even your entire damn life. So here's the thing. I need you to listen to. I need you to listen to this entire episode all 30 minutes, because I'm going to give you three things that will shift everything for you. Hey there. Welcome to Soul Joy Burnout Truth for Brilliant Women. I'm Dr. Julie Merriman, and if you are a brilliant woman in healthcare, over 50 and ready to kick burnout to the curb while you reignite that spark your and the right place, this is your Freedom chapter. Let's create a life that lights you up every single day. Let's go. So reason number one. I'm going to show you how toxic gratitude is literally keeping you stuck in burnout. You think you're being spiritual and humble and positive by saying, oh, I'm so blessed while you're exhausted, overworked, and resentful. But that language, y'all, it's a trap, and I'm going to explain the neuroscience and energy behind why. Reason two, I'm going to teach you what to say instead because if gratitude isn't the answer, when you're burned out, when you're fatigued, then what is right? I'm going to give you the exact phrases, practices, reframes that. Actually move you from depletion to restoration, backed by research and ancient chakra wisdom. And finally, I'm giving you a powerful 10 minute activity you can do right here, right now, today, next week. No ma'am. Not when you have time. I'm talking today and it's going to help you release the toxic gratitude that's been weighing you down and replace it with something that actually heals. Woo hoo. So grab your journal, your coffee, your glass of wine. I don't judge, and let's do this work together, because by the end of this episode, you're going to understand why you're so damn tired, and more importantly, you're going to know exactly what to do about it. So let's get to it. Okay. Let's start with the uncomfortable truth that I know I talk about all the time, but it's very important if you're a helper, a healer, a caregiver, a nurse, a therapist, a teacher, social worker, psychologist, doctor, anyone whose job it is to take care of others, chances are you've been taught that gratitude is the cure for everything and it's good in its place, feeling burned out. Be grateful. You have a job feeling exhausted. Be grateful. You're able to serve. Feeling resentful. Be grateful for the opportunity to help others. And listen, I'm not anti gratitude. Gratitude is powerful and it's a powerful practice. And there's research that shows it is, but here's where it becomes toxic. When you use gratitude to bypass your feelings, you're not healing. You are suppressing. Let me explain the research why toxic gratitude keeps you stuck. There's a concept in psychology called spiritual bypassing. This was coined by psychologist. John Wellwood. It's when we use spiritual practices like gratitude, positive thinking, or affirmations to avoid dealing with painful emotions, dealing with unresolved wounds or girl just difficult truths. And my lanta, we have those every flipping day. And y'all for helpers. My friend, this is a epidemic. See? You say, well, I'm blessed when what you really mean is I'm drowning. You me, we say, I'm grateful when what you really feel, man, I'm exhausted and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Here's what the research shows. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology. Imagine that name, how ironic. Um, this study found that forced gratitude practices and high stress professions actually increased feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and emotional exhaustion. What. Yes. Why you say? Because when you're genuinely burned out, compassion fatigued. Being told to just be grateful feels like absolute gaslighting. It invalidates your real experience. And neurologically, here's what happened. Here's what's happening. When you are in a state of chronic stress and depletion, which is what compassion fatigue is, y'all, your nervous system is stuck in sympathetic overdrive. You, my friend, are in fight or flight mode constantly. Gratitude practices work beautifully when your nervous system is regulated, but when you're dysregulated, as our jobs bring us to be, trying to force gratitude is like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. It doesn't heal, it just hides the bleeding, kind of. Sort of. Maybe not completely. I mean, if you think about a bullet wound and a bandaid, hmm. The chakra connection that I think is so important is where we're going next. So let's look at why your throat and heart chakras are blocked. And I know we're talking energy and it's good stuff. And the chakra system, toxic gratitude creates. Two major blockages, your throat chakra, and this is the center of your truth and expression. I know when I work with clients, this is often very congested, so I just invite you right this minute, take a deep breath, just bring your attention without judgment to your throat and that throat chakra, and just see what kind of energy is right there. Is it open? Is it tight? Be aware. When you say, I'm grateful, but you don't mean it, girl. You're lying to yourself and others about how you really feel. And in this, you're blocking that throat chakra. And yeah, this is gonna manifest as difficulty speaking your truth, swallowing your words, feeling voiceless. Chronic throat issues, thyroid problems, and or jaw tension. Just bear that in mind. If any of those hit home, it's okay. It's good to know. We gotta get it in our wheelhouse so we can do something about it. Second, the heart chakra, that's the center of love and boundaries. What? Yes, boundaries. And here's the kicker. Gratitude is a heart-centered emotion, but when you force gratitude while simultaneously ignoring your own needs, you create a heart chakra wound. You are giving. You are giving. You are giving, but you're not receiving. And you're not protecting your energy. This shows up as chest tightness, heart palpitations, feeling emotionally numb or disconnected. Resentment marked as selfishness. I'm gonna rechange that. It's not selfishness I that I pronounced that wrong. It's selflessness. There's resentment that's masked as selflessness. Think about that. It's kind of a deep one. Here's the truth, y'all. You cannot heal compassion fatigue. By being more grateful. You cannot heal burnout. By being more grateful, you heal it by telling the truth about what you're feeling and honoring those feelings with action. So here's the shift. So if gratitude isn't the answer, when you're burned out and compassion fatigued, what is. I am going to give you three powerful reframes, and these are backed by both modern psychology and ancient wisdom. Okay? Ready? Reframe number one, replace. I'm grateful with. I'm acknowledging, whew. Feel that I'm acknowledging. Instead of forcing yourself to feel gratitude when you're exhausted, try this. I acknowledge that I have a job and I also acknowledge that I'm burning out in it. I acknowledge that I help people and I also acknowledge that I'm not taking care of myself. This is called dialectical thinking. Holding two truths at once. We do it in EMDR, um, for DBT. It's one of the most powerful tools that they have in their toolbox. Research from Dr. Marshall Lenahan, which y'all will recognize her, is the DBT gal shows that dedicated thinking, re excuse me, that dialectical thinking. Holding those two things in your thought. And then, um, Shapiro came in with the e mdr R and really took that home. Right? But, but what Lenahan says is that showing, uh, the dialectical thinking reduces emotional distress because it validates you, your reality instead of bypassing it. You're not denying the good, you're just no longer using the good to silence the hard. These jobs we have. I don't care if you're a school teacher or a heart surgeon or a counselor, wherever you may fall, the jobs we have are hard and acknowledging that is is a gift. So do that for you. Reframe number two, replace. I'm blessed with. I'm setting boundaries. Hmm. Here's the thing about saying I'm blessed. When you're overworked, it becomes a justification for staying in dysfunction. I'm blessed to have this job, so I can't say no to an extra shift. I'm blessed to be able to help, so I can't set limits with clients. I'm blessed to serve, so I have to keep giving even when I'm empty. No. That's not a blessing. That's mar martyrdom and martyrdom isn't noble. It's self abandonment. So instead of saying, I'm blessed, try this. I deserve rest. I deserve boundaries. I deserve to protect my energy. I do this, I don't know, just as a side, um, if I'm in a really highly negative or just overflowing energetic place, I put my hand over my crown chakra. People might not even realize what I'm doing, but it really helps to cut out all that energy clutter and helps me to regulate my own nervous system, just as an aside, but. This is root chakra work. I deserve rest. I deserve boundaries. I deserve to protect my energy. Root chakra work reclaiming your right to safety, stability, and per preservation. A 2021 study in Frontiers in psychology found that healthcare workers. Helpers. Professional helpers who practice boundary setting language had 34% lower rates of burnout and compassion fatigue compared to those who use self-sacrificing language. Your amygdala, a little almond shaped partner brain. It's listen. It's listening and it manifests things. So it's very important what you're saying out loud words matter. What you say to yourself becomes your reality. So reframe. Number three, replace. I should be grateful with. I'm allowed to feel, man, that that's huge. That one is huge. So many helpers have been conditioned to believe that feeling anything other than gratitude makes them ungrateful or selfish or weak. But here's the research. Emotional suppression is one of the leading predictors of burnout and compassion fatigue. A 2020 study in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that helpers who suppressed negative emotions, such as like anger or resentment or maybe sadness, had significantly higher rates of compassion fatigue. And secondary traumatic stress. Why? Well, because emotions are energy, y'all. That's why I, I, we talk about our chakras, their energy. It's just somatic therapy, it's energy stuff. Getting us embodied is what I mean by um, somatic therapies. But because emotions are energy and when you suppress energy, it, it doesn't disappear just'cause you don't wanna think about something or you're gonna ignore. That doesn't mean it goes away. It's still right there. And then it gets stuck in your body. Look up bioenergetic therapies and, and see what that's all about. It's a real thing. Yeah, this is sacral chakra work. The center of emotional flow and creative expression and your sexual identity, um, or expression lives there. When your sacral chakra is blocked, you feel emotionally numb. I remember that day who, or those days you feel creatively drained and you feel disconnected from pleasure. Like you're just going through the motions. Oh, in the midst of my burnout, I was, I, I could not name an emotion. I was so numb, and I hadn't mentioned this in a while. Um, my book In Pursuit, in Pursuit of Soul Joy, as you're doing some Christmas shopping, might be a good gift for, for a helper that you love. But anyway, I talk about my burnout, crash and burn in that book, and I was so numb. I don't want that for any of y'all. So instead of I should be grateful, let's try. I'm allowed to feel exhausted. Y'all. I'm allowed to feel angry. I'm allowed to feel disappointed. And feeling those things doesn't make me ungrateful. It makes me human. So, alright, just you. Feel it, know it, believe it. You're allowed all the humanness that goes with humanity. So it is time to do something with this information, and I'm going to walk you through a 10 minute practice that you can do right here, right now, or pause this and come back to it when you have space or. However you choose to do it, but it's called the Truth and Release practice, and it integrates nervous system regulation, shock, or clearing and emotional honesty. So grab your journal. Or just do it in your head. But I, I, there was an article that came out last week, um, psychology Today, which I know isn't a peer reviewed, um, art journal, but it has some good stuff. Talked about how important it is handwriting is, uh, to connect with our nervous system. Which is why every therapist you've ever been to to has told you to journal. Um, it works, it's real. But anyway, I know you're probably doing housework or busy right this minute, so I know, uh, you may not have the time to sit down and write, but think this through and maybe come back to it.'cause I want this to be good for you. So step one. Uh, uh, and girl, maybe you do it in the morning. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving as I'm recording this. Maybe you do it in the morning as you do your self-care routine to be ready for that day with your family. No, no. Uh, tomorrow's Wednesday. Thursday. Thursday. Anyway, something you could do, getting ready for the family. So one ground your nervous system. First, we're going to get your body out of fight or flight and into regulated state. So please, when you do this, sit comfortably, feet on the floor, hands on your lap, just close your eyes or soften your gaze and take a deep breath in hold for four counts and exhale through for six counts through your mouth. And I want you to do that five times. As we've talked about many times, this activates your vagus nerve signal safety to your nervous system. You cannot access truth or healing when you're in a threat mode, so we've gotta get you out of that. I. Step two is just to speak your truth, man. Speak your truth. The fear that keeps us from speaking that truth is, is it's lying to you. And I've got some podcasts on. Fear is a big fat liar. Um, and again, one day I'll be so organized, I'll tell you which pod, which episode that is, but it's in season one, but. We're gonna speak our truth. So if you're able to do this in journal, please do so. Open your journal and complete these three sentences without editing, without judgment, just with curiosity and just write. But if, if you're busy, just do it in your head. So the truth I've been avoiding with toxic gratitude is do.dot. What I'm really feeling underneath I'm blessed is do, do, do. If I could say what I actually need without fear of judgment, I would say the boundary. I've been too afraid to set is what I'm grieving is. So if you will give your, this yourself the gift of coming back to this and writing this in your journal. I want you to write until you feel a release. This is throat chakra activation. Speaking your truth, even if it's just on paper, it is powerful. Give yourself that gift and then step three. Release the should. Now, I know Alice talked all about shoulds and must. In fact, we used to call it atory, where we're mustang everything and should and need, and those, again, that just gets your amygdala all up in a frenzy. We, we need to just get that language out of our vocabulary, but on a new piece of paper or thinking as you're walking or, or on your treadmill, whatever. Just take your mind through this. I release this belief that I should be grateful for things that are harming me. I want you to say that aloud out loud three times, and then write. I'm allowed to honor my limits, my exhaustion, and my needs, and that. That does not make me ungrateful. It makes me wise. This is heart chakra healing, giving yourself the compassion you've been giving to everyone else. And finally, step four. Setting one micro boundary, and we talk a lot about boundaries, but it's because we need them. I want you to finally write down or think one tiny boundary you're going to set this week. Not a huge one. A micro boundary. Examples could be, I am not answering work emails after seven. I'm not saying no to one extra request this week. I'm not. I am taking my full lunch break without guilt. I want you to pick one, write it down, commit to it. There's a lot of research around writing things down and how it helps us fulfill that goal. Um, but I saw a really funny, um, Instagram, uh, real earlier about a gal around our age in her fifties, uh, and, um. She, it showed her with all these Thanksgiving leftovers, and she's walking out going, I'm, I'm not helping clean up. And she's walking out and I thought, oh, what a great boundary to set. Good for her. I, I mean, it was a comedian, but anyway, it was very cute. But something to think about. How are you gonna approach Thursday? Okay, let's bring this baby home. Here's what we covered today. Toxic gratitude is keeping you stuck in burnout. When you use gratitude to bypass your feelings, your real feelings, you're not healing, you're suppressing and suppression leads to deeper depletion. I. Two, the research backs this up. Forced gratitude in high stress professions increases guilt and exhaustion. Emotional suppression predicts burnout, boundary setting language reduces compassion fatigue. Three. Your chakras are telling you the truth when your throat chakra is blocked and you can't speak that truth. When your hot heart chakra is blocked, you can't receive, and when your sacral chakra is blocked, girl you can't feel you need new language. Replace. I'm grateful with, I'm acknowledging replace. I'm blessed with. I deserve boundaries. Replace. I should be grateful with. I'm allowed to feel. And finally, you did the work. You grounded your nervous system, you spoke your truth, you released your should, and you set a boundary that's not small, that my friend is transformation. Here's the thing I want you to remember, and you know, gratitude is beautiful, but it's not a cure for systemic burnout. Compassion, fatigue, boundary violations, or self abandonment. You don't need to be more grateful. You need to be more honest. When you start feeling the courage or just being ready, you're gonna start telling your truth about what you're feeling and what you need. And that's when the real healing begins. All right, here's what I want you to do next. If this episode resonated with you at all. If you're tired of toxic gratitude and ready to actually heal your compassion fatigue, I have two free resources for you in the show notes, compassion Fatigue, cure Starter, uh, guide or the from Burnout to Radiance Reset, uh, guide. Hop over to those show notes and download those for you. And please share this with a friend. I am here. Uh, to help y'all. So have a great, uh, holiday. Woohoo.