Better Me with BodyByBree
Better Me with BodyByBree
How to Find Healing After Sexual Abuse with Sophia Fogt
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TW: Sexual Abuse
This week Bree is talking with Sophia Fogt. Sophie is a sexual abuse survivor whose passion is in healing, creativity, growth and grace. Sophia's healing has helped her to discover how much she loves herself, not in-spite of her abuse but because of who she has become by walking through it. Listen to her talk about her healing and how you can work on healing yourself.
Follow Sophia on Instagram for updates on her upcoming podcast and book.
https://www.instagram.com/sophiafogt_speak/
Learn more about Bree and her programs at www.bodybybree.com or follow her on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/bodybybreefitness/
Book Recommendations:
The Body Keeps Score
No Means No
C is for Consent
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Are you looking for a space where you will learn to improve your mental strength, emotional health, and heal your insecurities from the inside out? Take the first step to living a more meaningful life with the Better Me with Body by Bree podcast. I'm your host, Bree. I'm a certified personal trainer, entrepreneur, and mother of three. I've helped empower thousands of women to take action through fitness, nutrition, meditation, personal development, and aligning thoughts with action. This podcast is for those who are ready to feel inspired and motivated to live a more purposeful life. Let's grow together. Did you know 81% of women have experienced sexual abuse or assault in their lifetime? That number is staggering. My heart hurts for all the women who are suffering and might feel alone or scared or not know how to heal. I thought it would be helpful to bring my friend Sophia Foat on the podcast to share her beautiful story about how she's healing after sexual abuse. We will be talking about the effects of abuse and it can bring up triggers for women. I can't wait for you to hear Sophie's experience and how it can help you. Let's get started. All right, Sophie, welcome to the podcast. Before we get started, I wanted to just introduce my beautiful friend Sophie. We've been friends for what, six years now? Yeah, almost seven years. Sophie is a mother of three. She has a degree in psychology. She's in the process of writing her own book and creating her own podcast, which I'm really excited for you to get a little taste of her knowledge here. And we actually did our meditation and mindfulness training together as well. But I feel her most valuable training is her real life experience and helping others to navigate sexual abuse. Sophie, welcome.
SPEAKER_00Jeez, girl, I'm so good about myself. How are you feeling? I'm good. I'm so excited to be on your podcast. I feel like you're doing amazing things with it. And you are one of my favorite humans and one of the most stop freaking authentic people that I know.
SPEAKER_01So I'm stoked. You're so sweet. I've been telling her, like, I'm gonna have you on the podcast for like a year, right? Yeah, we've been talking about it. We've been talking about it for a long time. And the reason is because, well, number one, Sophie's soul and who she is as a person is so beautiful and she helps so many women around her. And in our community and our group of friends, that I'm like, you know what, we need to share this knowledge with everyone because it is so invaluable and she is so special. And she has such an incredible story. So I would love for you to share with everyone because right now, like I said, with the stat being 81% of women who've experienced sexual abuse or trauma, like this is something that needs to be talked about and it needs to be talked about publicly and openly. And it's really scary. It's scary to share that part of you. So I'm really grateful for your bravery and for your willingness to open up because so many are struggling and it's this private struggle because they feel like they can't open up about it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think the shame surrounding it is just one of the things that keeps people feeling so alone on the road to healing or trying to get help or reaching out for help just because there's just so much shame around um vocalizing it. And that's one of my goals is to shed light on it and to help women feel less alone.
SPEAKER_01I love that. So, can you tell us a little bit about your background and your story?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I grew up um kind of all over um Southern and Northern California. We moved around a ton. We're talking like, I think by the time I was 18, we had like moved residencies 21 times. That's insane, which is crazy. My dad had jobs and then he lost jobs, and it was always like kind of like a financial disaster. I was very aware that we were poor growing up. We did not have much, and if we wanted things, we had to save for them. But the general um feeling growing up in my house, I didn't really know anything besides what I knew. And so the the crazy thing is on the outside, my abuse happened um in my childhood, and my perpetrator was my father. And um, growing up, if someone would have asked me, you know, like, what's your home like life? Home life like, are you safe? Do you, you know, do you need help? Or if anyone were to ask me those questions, I would probably be confused and be like, what are you talking about? Um and because the brain is so amazing and awesome with a coping mechanism called disassociation. And so a lot of those parts of me that had experienced the abuse and those really hard, dark things um had just sort of disconnected. So I was living what I felt was like a normal imaginative childhood. And then on the other side of the coin, there was these really, you know, horrible things that were going on within my home.
SPEAKER_01So that's interesting. I have heard of people disassociating. So they can you explain what disassociating is?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so it's like you kind of separate you the experience from your body, so it's like you're kind of outside of your body during a moment of trauma. And it's actually amazing because it can keep the body functioning, it's like a it's like an incredible coping mechanism that our amazing brains have, and it's really great in times of trauma. But then if you have um if you like grow into adulthood and you have these patterns of kind of pulling outside of the present moment or different things like that, it's it kind of can wreak a little bit of havoc on your life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so if you don't deal with that trauma that happened to you, it can manifest in other ways.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it'll just stay in the present moment whether you're in a trauma memory or not.
SPEAKER_01So that's crazy. So, what kind of feelings when you were young, you felt like it was normal?
SPEAKER_00I felt like my childhood was normal, and any parts of my soul that had experienced the abuse or the hurt, I kind of just turned off. I did not connect with them. So I I started college, and that's when I first started seeing a therapist was um after, so I guess I have to backtrack a little bit. So um the story was we the abuse that happened within my family, it actually caused my father to go to prison. And so that happened my first year up at college. Um, he was convicted and he served um five years in prison, and we have not in been in connection since then, which has been, I feel like a very positive choice for myself, and I feel a lot of peace with that decision. But anyways, I started college and a lot of things just bubbled up. I'd been kind of in like go mode, autopilot mode, and then things started hitting the fan. So that's kind of when my journey of like therapy and seeking help began, was in those years.
SPEAKER_01Do you feel like there was any sort of period of time that like maybe you got triggered or because I've heard of that before, like you get you get triggered, and then it's like brings up all these old feelings, and then you're like, oh, I have to deal with this. Like this is actually really hurtful. Yeah. Did that ever happen to you?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I actually I had a boyfriend in college and he was narcissistic, and um there was some sexual assault there, and so I was super triggered, and that kind of spiraled me into um seeking the help that I needed. So, do you feel like the therapy was helpful for you? Yes, so for I'm not sure how long, at least eight years, I did cognitive behavioral therapy, which is basically like talk therapy, where you're just kind of working things out um in your mind and in your thoughts. And it was really great, but I was kind of avoiding the elephant in the room, which was the issues with my dad. And like you don't want to relive that and bring that like I'd hit every other important thing except that like I actually remember sitting in an appointment when we lived in I lived in Texas for a little while, and my therapist was like, you know, do you want to talk about, you know, like your dad at all, or that? And I would just be like, I just remember like just shine around it or like changing the water. The weather outside is great. It wasn't necessarily like I was like consciously trying to like tiptoe around it, it's just like I wasn't really ready. So, fast forward to about five or six years ago, I am seeing Wait, can I ask you a question? Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01How do you know if you're ready or not? Like, is that okay? Like, some people might go to therapy and take the first step, but they don't actually want to address it. Like, is that a pretty like natural normal thing, or that was just your journey?
SPEAKER_00That's a hard, that's a good question and a hard question because I think that it's never comfortable to like address um trauma, like it's never like a cozy kind of feeling. But I think you know that you're ready to address it on some level when you just see that it it kind of affecting your day-to-day, like your day-to-day life. Um, I think that that's a sign, but um, as far as like affect uh like directly kind of getting to the heart of it for myself, I think I just gotten to the point where it was I was like I'm I'm living with this pain and I'm tired of living with it. Yes. Like I just got tired of it. I just wanted to do whatever it took. And so I just gathered up a lot of bravery and I saw a trauma-informed specialist. So this is would be someone that's um either has um extra training with people that have had trauma or someone that's familiar with EMDR therapy, which is a type of um reprocessing of hard memories to make them so they're not affecting that day-to-day life. You're not like experiencing panic or anxiety, and those things kind of can wreak havoc. And so um, I started seeing this therapist, and I remember being in therapy and just kind of having some flashbacks and memories come up, and it was like if I look at it, if I was think about it visually, it's like I was reaching up for parts of myself. But every every time I touched these parts of myself that I had lost, it's like they were sharp. It's like I was reaching up for glass. And it was like empowering to get these parts of myself back and to like reconnect um my childhood because a lot of my memories are foggy or missing, and so I'm like pulling these parts of myself back together, but it's so painful, yeah. It's so it's so challenging. Um but I had committed and I was I I made the choice and um I was gonna go forward with with uh you know reprocessing these these traumas, and it's it's been it's been such a shift.
SPEAKER_01So do you feel like that second the is it the EMDR therapy that you did? Do you feel like that was helpful for you and helped you be able to navigate those feelings better?
SPEAKER_00Yes, and I totally, I totally feel like EMDR was helpful, but I think something that I look for is I realized that I really, really wanted a path that was pretty laid out and clear. And my path for healing was like some crazy dot to dot. Like it was just not that way. And um, I really had to trust my intuition to lead me to different things that would help to lead me to the right therapist. I remember just praying over finding a good therapist, and I remember just really trying to be guided. I did, I've done energy work, and I think that that was extremely pivotal. Um, also, meditation is insanely helpful for healing, and then finding a good trauma-informed specialist for me, it's really been rather than like a laid forward, laid-out, straightforward path, it's been kind of a lot of things working together to support the healing.
SPEAKER_01Did you tell your husband at like at the time when you were going through it and these feelings were starting to come up? Did he already know? Like, I feel like that's always the scariest part is telling someone that you can trust that won't judge you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. That was something I knew that um I was safe to tell my husband. Um, when we were dating um before we got married, I told him basically, you know, everything that I had known up to that point. And so he was always super supportive. And um, yeah, he was filled in for all the all the process of it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so he could help you while you were going through all of that, which is so helpful. So tell me about your experience working through some of your trauma and what that was like for you.
SPEAKER_00Well, I had lived this life where certain emotions were off limits, and one of those emotions was anger. And I remember just um spirituality is a huge part of my life, and I remember just praying and being like this anger is coming up, and I remember God just telling me so softly, like, I got this, I can handle it, give it to me. And I did not trust that at all. I was like, nope. For some reason, I felt like anger was just like wrong, ungodly, that it was bad, and I just, man, I wanted to avoid it. So um with more time, I eventually kind of like settled into those feelings, and I had some big feelings. I had so much anger, and one of the huge things that came into my mind um was just this big question of why. I kind of felt like, you know, if if God loved me and then he sent me to this family where I was going to be abused at such a young age and for so long, like I must have been just despised. I just must have been like a hated, you know, child of God. I just could not fathom. I could not wrap my brain around it. And a major paradigm shift actually happened. Um, one of my girlfriends, she had a stillborn, and it was her second at like, I guess it's not a stillborn, it was a miscarriage in about 18 weeks. And we went out to lunch together, and in like in my faith, I believe in like a kind of a pre-earth existence, and she does as well. And she relayed to me, like, you know, I bet I was just one of those people that was like, you know, is there any souls out there that need, you know, body? Is there anybody that needs, you know? And and she's like, I bet I just raised my hand. And I just remember looking at this friend, like across me. She was driving in the car and just being like, Yes, you you were that person. Like, I just knew that she was that person that was like, I'll do anything, you know, to help anyone or to progress anyone, you know, along God's path. And her fearlessness and her just like selflessness, it was just it like shone through. And it kind of gave me this breakthrough. I had this almost like imagery in my mind of like me being in this like kind of pre-earth experience and God kind of laying out these plans and being like, listen, you know, we've got this family. There is major generational trauma here. Um, and if you go down to this family, there is a huge chance that you are going to be abused. And I I don't believe that God causes abuse, but I believe on earth that we're allowed to be um subjected to to pains and and heartaches and these hard things. And so I just had this imagery of God being like, you know, who's gonna step in this place in this chain of these generations and uh, you know, take on some of this abuse, but then also heal. And by healing, um changing everything for all the generations past and all the generations. And I just had this like visualization of myself being like, me, like, yes, I've got this, like I can I can do this. And it kind of shifted everything because my question of why was so real. I was like, really, God, why? And it really um helped to soften my heart and then helped me feel empowered in the process that not only like was I like I wasn't despised, I was fearless, I was brave, and um every step I make towards healing is helping my you know ancestors and helping, you know, all my future children and their children.
SPEAKER_01I'm just crying over here, it's funny. I just think that is so beautiful. I'm over here crying because what a beautiful image. Like that you and all of the women that are suffering are not victims. Like they are we are powerful and um and like you said, like you are fearless and you stopped the chain of abuse, and you are this like beautiful, strong warrior. And I just love seeing you in that light, and hopefully other people can see themselves in that light as well. And I love that you shared that, like, especially breaking the chain of abuse for our children. That's something that I always am aware of with those crazy stats. Like, I'm always like, okay, what can I do so that I have open communication with my child so that we can either prevent this from happening or that we can talk about it if it does happen. So, what suggestions do you have for that for our children?
SPEAKER_00A huge thing for me since my kids were little was teaching them like the proper anatomical parts of the body and then also teaching them consent. So consent is a huge thing in our family. So if my nine-year-old's like wrestling my two-year-old, and you know, my two-year-old's like starting to like whine and cry, he doesn't, he doesn't want to play like that. I'm like, hey, you don't have your brother's consent. And so consent is a word that we use in our house, and they're understanding like that they have um kind of that they have the power over their own physical body and they do not have power over anyone else's, and that it should be something that's a very clear line that they um can tell the difference. Like, no one's allowed to have power over my body, or you know. I love that.
SPEAKER_01I love that. I've heard also like don't force your kids to give people hugs if they don't want to. We do that as well. Unwanted touch. Um, like a lot of people are like, go give grandma a hug, go give uncle a hug. Like a lot of times, like uncles are abusing, you know, them and they don't say anything and you might not know, you know, like that could be that might sound extreme, but it's not like most of the time it is family members and people that they know, yeah. And so not forcing them to give hugs to people and let them choose.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like we have a thing where like Santa's lap, like I had my daughter, she's she's sat on Santa's lap before, but then that I remember this one year she was not about that Santa, and I was like, girlfriend, I am not gonna make you sit with Santa. Like teaching our kids, I a huge thing for me is teaching our kids to trust their intuition. If they get like creeped out or they they don't feel comfortable around in a certain situation or around a certain person, like their intuition um has to trump all. And I think that's a really hard thing as a survivor is that like you really feel gaslit at every angle of your life, and you have to learn to, and that's part of my mission is to help women feel empowered in their skin again and to trust themselves again. And so teaching our children, you know, to trust themselves when they get intuitive feelings, I think is a huge part of prevention as well.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I was telling you before the podcast that I would tell my mom, like, oh, I don't, I don't like that that man's energy. Like I already knew energy at a very young age because she would teach me, but I remember I would have certain feelings around people, and my mom would always tell me, trust your gut, because you have that feeling for a reason. Even when I was seven years old, I remember her saying that. And so from even now, I feel like with certain energies, you can feel it. Like you can feel yucky. It's like a feeling and Children can feel that. And so if they tell you, listen to them. Like I love that teaching them to listen to their own intuition.
SPEAKER_00That's such a gift that she gave you. That's amazing. We also don't do sleepovers. I know you guys don't either. No. Like we don't do sleepovers. They just, it's not something that I'm comfortable with as a mom. My kids know, you know.
SPEAKER_01Well, in a lot of my friends' abuse has happened from a sleepover, not even from the person's house or at, but like older brothers that are staying there. Yeah. Cousins that are friends. Yes, friend of a friend that you don't even know is going to be there. So people will be like, Well, I trust my best friend, but you don't trust all the people that are coming in and out of that house. And that's what I it's just like a no-go for us too. We're just like, you will never have a sleepover ever, because I feel like that's just but most of the time it is people that you know. So that's what it is. It's like 80% or something. It's someone you know and trust. And that's what that's what I think is like having that open conversation too with your children, open communication.
SPEAKER_00Ongoing. Yes. That's something I've really learned. It's got to be continual. It can't just be like a one and done conversation. It has to be like we keep having this conversation. Um, it's an open door. They know that, you know, and and the younger you start, honestly, the better. Because then it's not like weird or awkward. It becomes just like this is normal. Yeah. So they're not like, I don't know, trying to trying to engage and not it's never too late, is how I feel. But like I just think it helps when you start at a younger age having those open conversations.
SPEAKER_01Yes. And I'm very frank with my kids. Like, I'm like, listen, anyone ever touches you, like you come straight to me, you yell no. Like, we walk through the scenarios because I want them to be aware. I don't want them to be naive about it. And I'm like, if anyone tells you this is a secret, that's a red flag. Yeah. You know, like we walk through all of it. There's actually a really good book called Um No Means No. Yeah, we have that book. Yeah, that's a really good one.
SPEAKER_00That's a good one. Also, C is for consent. It's like a little board book, I think. It's it's teaches about consent and boundaries. Yeah. That's a really good one. So many, there's so many great children's books out there that help kind of teach safety in this way. So I love that. That that's super cool.
SPEAKER_01So moving forward, I know we talked about even when I was writing this intro, I was like, oh, let's name it like how to heal and how you've healed through your journey. And I love that you were like, no, it's healing through my journey. It's not a destination. Can you talk about that?
SPEAKER_00Oh, for sure. Um, this has been a huge paradigm shift for me. I remember, like, I keep talking about praying, but spirituality is really important to me. Um, I remember just praying, like, God, what do I need to be doing right now? I had all these dreams. I had things I wanted to just manifest and do. And I just remember getting the soft answer of like heal. And I was like, okay, what does that look like? Or what does that mean really? And I think the word heal, it kind of sounds like, I don't know, like soft, like a spa day. Like, I don't know. And oh, friends, it is, it's it's so not that not soft. It's not a spa day. It's not a spa day. It is, it's brutal, but it's also so beautiful. Um, I feel so much more whole than ever than I've ever felt. But it is, it's it's not um an easy path necessarily, but um the huge paradigm, and we're just thinking, I'm walking this path to get to this destination. And the destination is to be healed, and that is like the city, the town, that's where I want to be, is that place. And um, I had this realization that like this is not a destination. Um, that healing to me is it's honestly like a way of it's a state of mind and a way of of thinking so that when a trigger does come up, which they do and they will, um, that I can handle it with that I can be, that I can respond to myself instead of being reactive, that I can respond with love and with compassion, and that I can have tools to comfort myself and find peace within that um within that moment. And I realize like that's what healing looks like, and it's more of a of a way of of being with ourselves um with this deep compassion and grace rather than like this place we need, this finish line that we need to cross. There's no real finish line, at least not for me.
SPEAKER_01I love that. And the I feel like the more that you share with us and our group of friends and people we meet, it's so healing because so many people are going through something similar. And like you're helping so many women that can relate to you and not feel alone and learn from your experience. And I feel like that's something very beautiful that can come out of an awful experience.
SPEAKER_00It's so true, and it's crazy because I remember thinking like, man, like I wouldn't wish this on anybody, I wouldn't wish this on myself, and just all these things of like, you know. But at this point in my life, I feel like so many things that I love about myself come from what I have overcome. Like they're a result of what I've overcome, and they're reasons that I love myself now. I feel like I have a deeper level of empathy. Um, I feel like I can connect. I like I know how to mourn with people. I know how to to be present in those spaces that might be a little dark or hard for others. And I'm like, I'm I'm I can roll up my sleeves and I can, you know, get in there and because I I know those feelings and and I also can sit by someone and say, you know, the the way that you feel right now, it won't last forever. It will pass. This will pass. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What advice would you give someone who is struggling in the darkest spot right now? Like, what would you tell them?
SPEAKER_00All the things that I wished that I could have heard, and that you know, I could have heard these words like hundreds of times. You're not alone. This will end. You're supported, you're left. And just that hang on, the the support, the help that you need is is there and and there's a divine power and universe, God, whatever you believe in, that that is rooting for your healing. I love that.
SPEAKER_01And do you um feel like they should tell someone, or do you feel like that's a very personal experience of like when to tell and if to tell and when to get help?
SPEAKER_00Um, for me, those modalities of energy work, therapy, meditation, those were all very, very important. And I think that those are some pretty key ways that you can kind of step into it yourself if you're if you're ready to take that step. Um there's there's a lot of resources out there to get the help you need.
SPEAKER_01And you're like the one in our group that everybody goes to for advice. You're like, well, what does Sophie think? Oh my gosh. You are you're so wise, and it's really inspiring to see how you've turned your like your knowledge, your experiences into something beautiful, and you're helping so many women. And that's why I'm so excited for your book, for your podcast, your Instagram. Should we tell them where to find you? Yeah. Okay, so um your podcast is Sophie Speaks, right? Uh-huh. Oh, speak.
SPEAKER_00It's just speak. Speak with Sophia Foat.
SPEAKER_01Um, it's not out yet, but it will be soon. Um, your and your Instagram handle, it's Sophia FOT and FOT is F-O-G-T underscore speak. And we'll link both of those. And then when your book's out, we're gonna link your book. I'm so excited for you. Thank you. You are so helpful. I'm so happy you came on the podcast. Thank you so much, Sophie. Oh my gosh, thanks for having me. I love you so much. I love you so much. All right, we'll talk to you next time. Thank you for joining us today. Thank you for joining us in today's episode. If you liked the content and want to hear more, remember to hit that subscribe button and write a review. As a small business owner, I appreciate it more than you know. If you are looking for a program to help with self-confidence, to lose weight, get in shape, and work on your mental, physical, and emotional health, check out my training programs on www.bodyby.com. My team and I help to hold you accountable through the Body Bybrie app, where you log in to see all your workouts, custom meal plan made specifically for you and your needs, and communication through the messenger. You are never alone when you're on the Body by Bree training program. Click the link in the show notes to get more information on how to transform your life from the inside out.
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