Abuse is not for entertainment

With MAFS Australia sparking important conversations, it’s time to shed light on the reality of emotional abuse and why no one deserves to feel trapped.

In this episode, I open up about my personal experience with emotional abuse—what it looked like, how it made me doubt myself, and how I finally got out. We’ll break down the red flags, the subtle ways abuse takes hold, and the steps to reclaiming your power.

If you’ve ever questioned your relationship or your worth, this episode is for you

Here are some resources if you need help:

1800RESPECT

• Website: https://www.1800respect.org.au
• Phone: 1800 737 732 (24/7)
• Services: Confidential support for people experiencing domestic violence, sexual assault, and abuse. They offer counseling, safety planning, and referrals to local services.

2. Lifeline Australia

• Website: https://www.lifeline.org.au
• Phone: 13 11 14 (24/7)

3. Beyond Blue

• Website: https://www.beyondblue.org.au
• Phone: 1300 22 4636 (24/7)

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instagram.com/jaydedelpupcoaching

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https://www.facebook.com/groups/634737754099311

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I felt very controlled and would cry every night and felt stuck in all of this, but I didn't know what to call it. I just thought I had a piece of shit boyfriend. I did, but what's up guys? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. I am your host, Jade, and thank you so much for tuning in this week. Yay! Today I am gonna be talking about a pretty tough topic. I will be giving a trigger warning. I'm gonna be talking about emotional abuse and just, you know, abuse in general in relationships. So if that topic you're going through personally, a loved one's going through it, or it just triggers something for you in general, please be mindful of that, my loves. If you want to skip today's episode, or I will try and link some support in the description for you if you feel like you need to talk to anyone. But yes, I will be chatting about that today just as a little trigger warning for you. I know this is going off on social media at the moment, and it's pretty disappointing that one, it's on the air in the first place that, you know, violence and abuse is apparently a topic of entertainment. The thought of I'm obviously very specifically speaking about the show maps, Married at First Sight in Australia. The thought or lack of thought from producers that this is a good idea to post, whether they do it for awareness, fuck knows. But it obviously is not for awareness because the way that it's handled on the show when there's clearly victims that are going through emotional abuse and very close to violent physical abuse is astonishing to me. I don't know firsthand if they have counselling, but we definitely have heard from contestants previously on the show that they were not offered counseling, they were not offered support, and I know from watching it and from personal experience that even the smaller situation, um, like at fist going through a wall can be traumatic traumatic and something that stays with you for the rest of your life. To ruin these people's lives and their safety and their mental health just for fucking views on a TV show is kind of appalling to me. So I guess I kind of wanted to just jump on and talk about it, just like everybody else. The other side of that is it's disappointing that it takes it being aired on national television for there to be some anger about it, because I guess it happens in our everyday lives for some people, and I know there's a lot of uproar at the moment for women in general and violence against women. I know that there's a lot of businesses and pages and everything that are shining the light and kind of uproaring. I know myself have signed a few petitions about this, and it's just it's fucking chaotic. And I just, my heart goes out to everyone that is experiencing this or has experienced it and are feeling very triggered by this. It's not something that you should watch an entertainment show on TV and then have to relive your own trauma. That is not, it's supposed to be a place of safety, fun, rest for the night. Like it's not something that you flick your TV on and you're fucking triggered. I'm very outraged by the fact that there are no trigger warnings before the episodes come on. I think if they had that, they have to acknowledge that they are airing triggering scenes and they are giving a platform to violence. That's why they're not putting a fucking trigger warning on the screen. But some people who have either freshly got out of it or are 10 years down the track, it doesn't matter, could be so triggered by seeing something like that, and there are no repercussions from that production putting it on our screens. I don't know if it's true or not, but I have seen on TikTok that um police have launched an investigation, and I don't know if that's into one of the cast members or that's into production or what, but it's fucking disgusting and I my heart goes out to everyone. I guess I mostly want to talk about emotional abuse today because I have gone through it myself, and I actually have already done an episode on it, but I don't, I don't think it's fair to do one episode or if you're a if you're a survivor or whatever you feel comfortable saying, it's not you don't just talk about it once and then that's it, you're done. I think, especially if you've gone through it, it's important to continuously keep that conversation going. You know, bring awareness to the topic. What does it look like? What are the signs that it's happening to you? How do you fucking get out? Where's the support? So I think I'm happy to take it upon myself to keep that conversation going because I know for me, it wasn't until I think I had left the relationship and two years went by, and I remember distinctly sitting in my TAFE course classroom at TAFE, and I was doing youth work at the time, and they were describing a case study of a woman that was fleeing like an abusive relationship, and some of the things that they were talking about that she had gone through, it wasn't until that moment that I heard someone else talking about it that I went, oh fuck, like that's what happened to me. Like, I didn't even know it was like an abusive situation. You just say, Oh, he's just a shit person, or you say he just behaves badly. But you know, back in the day, gaslighting was not a term that was thrown around, even like he's a narcissist or narcissistic behavior. That language was not a thing when I was going through that. And it obviously absolutely has always been a thing, but just in my circle and my understanding and my age, they were not terms that were thrown around. So we didn't have the knowledge and education to go, ah, you are showing signs of a narcissist. Stop gaslighting me. Like I knew I felt very controlled and would cry every night and felt stuck in all of this, but I didn't know what to call it. I just thought I had a piece of shit boyfriend. I did, but you know, you don't label things. And I think what's important to talk about with emotional abuse is it's almost like it's how do I word this properly? There's obviously physical violence and then there's emotional violence. And it's very fucking obvious when someone is in a physically abusive relationship. So traumatic. This conversation is not about comparing the two or taking away from. It's shining light on some um signs and warnings and support for emotional abuse as well. A lot of the time, no one knows you're being emotionally abused unless they witness it themselves. Like that's your friends and family or people outside of the relationship. But a lot of the time, the victim does not know they are being emotionally abused, right? Because it happens internally, it happens mentally, and it happens slowly, right? From my personal experience, it always, and this is not the case for everything. I also just want to preface that I'm not a professional by any means, not a professional psychologist or counselor or anything like that. This is based on my own experiences and what I've witnessed and what I've heard and things like that. So don't take what I'm saying as professional advice by any means, but from my own personal experience, going through it, it always starts with them being very nice. King, 10 out of 10 behavior, king behavior, right? And that also includes them being very close to your friends and family, because when they do turn on you and they slowly start peeling that mask off and behaving like a narcissist, behaving like an abuser, behaving like a gaslighter, like you're kind of already in too deep. You're hanging on to two different versions of this person that you love. How can someone that treats me X, Y, and Z positive, also now start treating me X, Y, Z? Like you become so confused and lost and in turmoil of I don't understand how two versions of you can exist in my mind. And because you are so wrapped up in that person and so wrapped up in the relationship and and your idea of that person, keyword, idea of that person, you cling on to hope that, oh, this is just a one-time thing, or you make excuses for every time they abuse you because he's capable of the positive things that I have experienced. So we try not to pay attention or just point blank ignore it or dissociate while they are exhibiting behaviors of negative and an abuser. I think it's also really hard to talk about or hard to be believed. Like, how do you explain that you're being emotionally abused for someone that doesn't for someone that isn't experiencing those abusive patterns every day? You know, it can look like, oh, but you know, he doesn't really believe me when I say this, or because remember, gaslight gaslighting wasn't a thing back then. How do I, how do you explain to your friend or your family that I know I said this, but he he doesn't have any recollection of it, so it must be me. Maybe I'm forgetful. That's fucking gaslighting, but I didn't know it was that, and I couldn't say it was that. So how do you explain that you're being emotionally abused? You know, there's the very obvious ones where they are verbally abusive, like raising their voice, calling you names, um, which I experienced all of, but if no one's around, how do you explain that you're being emotionally abused? A lot of mine, a lot of mine was control. And I think if you experience the positive aversion of them in the first place, they slowly start bringing in that control. And I know for me, because I was young, I was I was like 14 to 14 to no, I would have started when I was 13. I reckon, so for three years. It starts with little things, and you're holding on to this positive version of someone, and they might say, Oh, I don't want you to wear that. So you go, oh okay, like I want to respect his boundaries, I want I don't want to upset him. You know, you make excuses for small comments that they make and small requests, I'll call it, at the time. Um I remember a New Year's Eve thing that we went to. I borrowed my friend's dress, and I was not allowed to wear the dress. I could, but I had to wear jeans underneath, and I did, because it's like, no, you're not wearing that. You will be covering your legs, like small things like that. I knew that we had had an argument and we were about to catch up with friends, and he would kind of say, like, don't you fucking say anything about the fight, like, this is our business, no one's allowed to know. And I remember one time we had had this huge fucking fight, and my eyes were like so puffy, like I had clearly just been crying. And I was going to my friend's house, and my friend's mum was picking me up from this said partner's house, and I got in the car, and she was like, Hey, how are you? So excited to see you. And I was like, Hey. And I think the mum looked in the review mirror and could clearly see that I was distressed, but took me to their house, and then the first thing when I get to my friend's room is, you know, what's going on? Like people can see that you're upset, but you know, how do you explain it other than we just had a fight until it becomes we have a fight every day? Like, what are the patterns here? What's happening? Why are you always crying? What's what's wrong? What do you mean you can't come hang out with us? Oh, I have so many examples. I feel like I just want to list them off because similar to me, if you hear something that someone is explaining is abuse, then you go, fuck, I'm my partner does that. Or I experienced that with an ex. Was that abuse? Like, was that emotional, controlling, coercive abuse? So, yeah, telling me what I can't can and can't wear because of his own insecurities or whatever. I don't even know why, just it was that. Um, a big thing was I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends. I always did. I think I'm very grateful that I am a very assertive person. I still did things, but I got abused for it all the time. So this is down to the point where obviously we were in high school at the time. One of my friends would pull me aside and try to have a conversation with me. They obviously needed help. They were telling me something, and then they would leave. And this person, my boyfriend at the time, would come up to me and demand that I told them, I tell him everything that we said in that conversation. Because how dare I know anything that he's not on top of? In school, he would rock up to my class at the end of each class and he would escort me to my next class. Like I could never be, I was never allowed to be alone. Like he would ask to leave, I'm assuming, his class early, get to my class by the time the bell rang, and escort me to the next class. And it was fucking embarrassing, but apparently I did it every day, no questions asked, to the point where that I'm pretty sure the teachers knew about it. The teachers knew about it because we were always fighting, like always fighting, yelling at each other, like just always. And I remember during class, like he hadn't even waited till the end of class. And he was outside my classroom, it's all windows, and he's like yelling, like, come outside, like, come outside, like waving for me to come outside. And I was pretending not to see him. I kept trying to like shoe him away, like, no, I'm in class, like, leave me alone. And the teacher was like, You better go outside, Jade. Like, what? I just realized that. Like looking back on that now, like, what do you mean you want me to go outside? Tell him to fuck off. Like, I'm trying to learn. So you better go outside so he doesn't interrupt the whole class. You better go get abused. So it would always be go outside, him questioning what's going on in class, who are you sitting next to? And I know, I know a heap of times he would walk past my class and check who I was sitting next to, who I was speaking to. If I was speaking to a male in my class, for whatever reason, who the fuck cares? But if I was speaking to a male and he walked past at that time, ho ho, old boy, you bet, you bet I was in trouble. And I don't mean to add humor to when I explain these stories. It's kind of my coping mechanism and how I deal with it. It's obviously not funny, it's fucked, but yeah, you bet. And I it to the point where my friends would be like, oh, you're in trouble. Like, what do you mean? Like, emotional abuse was it, it's it was funny back then, like, ha ha ha ha, Jade hasn't abused your boyfriend. Like, and I I almost just said it's my own fault for staying. That's what crossed my mind just then. And big adult grown-up therapy Jade is going, what the fuck? Like, it is not your fault that you stayed. That's what control is. You were fucking brainwashed, you were manipulated. So, no, it's not my fault that I chose to stay and continued to be abused, but hey, that was the situation. I didn't know any better. What are some other examples? Because there's lots. There's lots. I would have friends over, like girls' nights. God fucking forbid I had a mail at my house. Girls' nights. And he would constantly call my home phone back when home phones were a thing. Dial my phone number, dial my phone number, dial my phone number. Like, because I wasn't allowed to just do anything without him. Like, who's at the house? What are you guys doing? And then I'd like hang up on him because I'm trying to hang out with my friends and he'd call back. And I would have to leave the phone like off the receiver so he couldn't call back. Thank God we didn't have like mobiles back then. I think it was only like year 10 we started getting them. But yeah, it was home phone, like blowing up my home phone. And just just, I can't even imagine like what I know now and who I am now. Like, if I saw my kid or I saw a younger person in that situation, like of course, your automatic reaction is, what the fuck are you doing? Like, why did you stay so long? And trust me, I'm as frustrated as you are. I'm as frustrated as you are, but you just don't, it's really hard until you've been in those types of relationships to understand like what the control is, what the thought processes are of you know, pros and cons of leaving. Of course I always thought about leaving, but I couldn't. And I think until you've gone through it or you've seen a loved one go through it, it's really difficult to understand that. I know physically, like when we were walking out and about on the weekends or like catching a bus or something, I would have to look at the floor. Like we'd be holding hands, walking down the footpath, and he would go, look at the fucking floor. Like I wasn't allowed to look up and look at anything because God forbid a male would cross my site of vision, and that would be my fault. Because that's that also happened before. A per I would just be walking and a male would be around, and then he would throw my hand down beside me, like, oh, you were looking at that guy, like just riddled with insecurity and control and thinking about it now, just so much anxiety of not wanting to fuck up, like not wanting to get yelled at, not trying to do everything right, um, and that included not looking anywhere other than the floor. And what really triggered me about one of these math episodes, and granted, I haven't actually watched all of them yet. I'm not up to date, and I'm already triggered. The episode where Athena and Adrian do Friends and Family Week. I think it's pretty blowing up right now that Cleo standing up for them and the sisters and that not very nice, not very nice Jasmine person, fucking triggered me because when I was in that abusive relationship, one of the more um more triggering things and unpleasant experiences was his friends were also bullies to me. Like I was the laughing stock of that relationship. And you would think as an adult that liked their partner, like nowadays, if your friends bullied your girlfriend, you'd tell them to shut the fuck up and you'd never hang out with them again. But my ex, not only would he laugh along and call me names in front of them and in like encourage it and participate, he was the one that started all the rumors at my school about when I was being bullied. Like he he used to bully me and with my friends. Like he'd be with his friends and they'd all just be laughing at me and shit. But he has my boyfriend. I know you're listening to this right now and you're like, what do you mean your boyfriend and his friends bullied you every day and you still called him your boyfriend by the end of the day? I know. I know. It's sickening. I can only laugh about it night now, guys. Like, I've fucking done so much therapy on this shit, you don't even know. Like, what? Who does that? I just can't. But it was so triggering to watch that because watching Adrian like not stand up for Athena and almost like laughing at Jasmine attacking Athena and them talking shit about her outside, like them calling her trash and stuff, and Adrian laughing, like that is what used to happen in my relationship. But I would be there, they'd do it to my face. It was just fucking sickening, honestly. Just so much manipulative gains to my mental health as well. Like there were at one point he actually had to move into my house. Long story short, couldn't live with his family, whatever. My mum being the kind-hearted fucking soul that she is, we took him in. I think if she knew what was happening, she would rather him sleep on the street. But she didn't know. Or she did know, and maybe she was like, hey, if you're under my roof, maybe I can control it. Nonetheless, he moved in in a separate room because my mum loves me. Yes, it was my safe space. So there was this rumour going around that he was cheating on me. Turns out it was right. He did it every fucking weekend. That's a whole other story. But one of the girls that would constantly call him and he would cheat on me with, he would like put his alarm on and pretend that that was like his phone going off. And he would pretend that this girl was calling him. And so he was in another room at night. This is like 10 pm onwards, everyone's gone to sleep. He'd put the alarm on, and obviously, I'm in my room hearing this quote unquote phone call. So I'd get up and like run to his room, and he would pretend to talk to her. Like just sick shit, man. Like sickening shit.

unknown 21:59

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

I just can't. Like, I remember one time. How much time you guys got, honestly. I remember one time we went to the movies, just me and him, and we, I think it was the first Sex in the City movie came out. And we watched it. And no, I had never seen this movie before. No, I did not know what was coming in what scenes and what order. I'd never seen it before. But the scene where Samantha's in her beach house and she can see her neighbor showering, and the camera pans down his body and then eventually shows his penis. Apparently that's my fault and is worthy of punishment. So we were holding hands in the movies, and when it panned to his penis, he shot me the dirtiest look, let go of my hand, and like threw my hand down. And me, me now, would just laugh at him and be like, roll up and leave. But me, of course, being in this controlling abusive relationship was like, I'm so sorry, like I didn't know. Please for please forgive me. Question mark, what? Please forgive me. Guys, I'm gonna need therapy after this. But all jokes aside, like, what the fuck, man? What the fuck? I hope so far out of everything I've listed, you haven't gone through because it's fucked. But I think like watching the behavior from Adrian, if any of you are wondering if you're in a controlling abuse, emotionally abusive relationship, he is cut, copy, and paste emotionally abusive, making you think you're fucking crazy, like questioning if you said something or not, questioning how you said it, did I say it wrong, like scared to speak up because you're gonna be yelled at, like everything is her fault, no awareness, no accountability on his end, everything is Athena's fault. He takes no accountability for anything. I don't think accountability or ownership is fucking existent in his brain. Um, it's just so fucking traumatizing. Like actually traumatizing was watching Veronica and Elliot. Funnily enough, I don't know how we ended up on Elliot's team, but the conversation was really hard to watch, and this might be an unpopular opinion, but when Elliot was trying to have a conversation about like how he shared his story, and for whatever reason, that was just not as much as she wanted to get out of it. I understand she's looking for emotion, she's looking for a deeper connection. Just the way that she went about it was very triggering. She was very quickly manipulative and gaslighting and like had walls up. And I think you can have walls up and be resistant, but you don't have to be a bully about it. Like I think she was very, I don't know how to explain it, like it just made me so uncomfortable to watch. And I think he did a great job not raising his voice or saying something out of turn. Like I could see that his brain was spiraling. Like, what is happening right now? Like it changed very quickly. I, as a viewer, was like, what the fuck? Where is this going? Like, where does this come from? I empathize with her in terms of wanting that deeper connection, but I think there's a way to draw that out of your partner, especially when they're trying to be vulnerable for you. And I think it's a good thing to note, as he said, like everyone shows vulnerability in different ways and at different stages. And yes, I know we're watching a cut-edited version of a show, but based on an example, I'll call it an example because they're putting this out there for viewership, right? So I'm calling it an example. Through all of this, what I've learned and what I've witnessed and what I've experienced is it's hard to realize you're being emotionally abused. Because it's such a manipulation to your brain, it's such a manipulation to your thoughts and your feelings and just who you are as a person and how you see yourself. Like, you don't know because you're in too deep and you have this ideology that everything they say is right and you can't fuck up, everything's your fault. So why would you think anything different? Why would you go, oh, I'm being manipulated here? No, that's just how it is. That's just what your relationship dynamic is like. And I know I knew that it wasn't good. My friends fucking hated him. I am very, I've spoken about it before, but I am very lucky and grateful that my friends stuck with me throughout this whole thing. Because one of the biggest things that manipulators and abusers will do is they will isolate you from your friends and family so that they have complete control over you. The more time you spend with friends and family, the more possibilities there are that those friends and family will say to you, hey, wake the fuck up, bitch. Like you're in a strife here. Like, let us take you out. The more opportunity for that happening, the better for the abuser. So they isolate you, they manipulate you into wanting to see, like, they make you feel guilty to wanting to see your friends, wanting to stay at home rather than seeing them wanting to speak to people on the phone. I remember every time my friends would call me, I would have to put it on loudspeaker. Because privacy is not a thing. Privacy is no, there's no such thing as privacy in a manipulative relationship. I'm trying to remember more things to talk about because I think I've, you know, dug it up and threw it out. Locked that the fucker in therapy, but I think it's important to talk about it because one of the first things that I realized like this is what it was was like I keep saying, I heard someone else talking about it. I eventually got out because thank fuck a few of my friends constantly hammered me about, you know, not only lifting me up and saying I deserved better, but they were probably really sick of it as well. Like, how long can I be your friend? Because being your friend means that I also have to be up like put up with this piece of shit and have to be around this. Um, because my friends and I were so close and they stuck around, a lot of the time they were unfortunately dragged into some of his bullying, the friendship group's bullying. And fuck, man, I gotta give my friends a pat on the back because how do you involve yourself in abuse by not wanting to leave your friends' side? Like fuck, just come to that realization my friends deserve a fucking medal. But it was some of those friends where that actually helped me leave that relationship. Um, and I did it via text message, and you know what? No fucking guilt because I had tried in the past like having that conversation and trying to leave, and I'm sure you can imagine where that led. And she was on the phone with me. I was at my dad's house, I was on loudspeaker to my friend, and she's like, we're gonna do it together, okay? Like, send this text message and then turn your phone off. So I did it in a place where I wasn't physically with him, and I was away from home for long enough that he couldn't like come to my house and fucking, you know, change my mind. So I did it, sent this big long message, pretty much, fuck off, don't want to be your fucking girlfriend anymore, don't talk to me. Turned my phone off for the whole weekend. You can imagine the anxiety. Um, don't forget, we were still in school. So um, I can't remember if it was school holidays or what, but there was a big time where I didn't have to see him, but I absolutely had to go to school and see him. And you can imagine what I copped when I got to school. He didn't really care toward the end if people were around a lot. Uh in the beginning stages, it was very private. Like he would put on this facade that everything was okay. And as soon as I was by myself, you just knew that I was getting ringed, like emotionally abused, like verbally abusive, like calling me every name under the sun, yelling at me, telling me what I can and can't do. When other people are around, it's like ha ha ha, everything's good. Oh, you're so funny. Yeah, totally, we'll be there. Um, and then as soon as we left, it's who do you think you are? Like you fucking, like yammering on like a child. Um, so yeah, toward the end, that facade definitely dropped. I guess everyone already knew that he was a piece of shit, so he just did it in public. Like teachers would approach us all the time because we'd be arguing verbally, like loudly, he wouldn't care, trying to grab my arms, like all this shit. Like it just became like that's what I was known for. And I really think I would have had such a different high school experience if I never had that relationship. And it's really sad to think about like um because of that person, I was also bullied a lot because he started a lot of it. So it just my whole experience became an emotionally abusive relationship. So I don't have any. I I am grateful that I have really great memories with my girls. I do. I think I'm very lucky that I had that. Not a lot of people do. A lot of people don't have support systems, whether they don't have one in the first place or they were isolated so much that they didn't have anyone to turn to when they felt it was time to leave. And yeah, I am very lucky that I have a supportive family. Whether they knew about it or not, I felt I always had somewhere safe to be. I still lived at home, so that was my safe space. Um it was tough. I won't speak about like what his family and stuff were like because obviously that's not my place to talk about. But I am very grateful that my mum created such a safe space for me at home, and my mum always picked me up or dropped me off, and you know, I was never, thank God, left in pretty bad situations other than mentally. But yeah, I really don't know how much they knew. They're obviously not stupid, they know everything. You definitely leave with like issues like confidence issues, mental health issues, trust issues. But I definitely did all the work, and I have continued to do the work since I was 18, 19 years old. I started doing personal development. So I am very lucky that I had a very supportive boyfriend after this, who I'm still friends with today. So he witnessed a lot of it because the the abuse carried on. Like when we split, I still had two years in high school with him. So the bullying continued, if not got worse, because you know, you're not my fucking problem anymore. So I'm gonna make it worse, you know, rallying people to bully me and all this shit. So I can't remember if he graduated. Maybe he was only there for year 11. But yeah, I had two more years of having to see him everywhere and was not a fun time. Was not a fun time. Rather just not think about high school or anyone involved. I am still very close to some of my girlfriends I had during that time period, and that's why I feel even more forever grateful for them. But yeah, I'm pretty sure I spoke about most of the stuff I spoke about on my first episode about it. But again, I just want to reiterate like it's talking about it and bringing awareness to it. I think I hope something happens with maths because I just don't think that it's acceptable that that's on TV without counseling, without kicking abusers off the show. I'd like them to take to make a stand and be like, we don't tolerate this and like tell us that they're getting counseling. I want to see that stuff. But again, that puts them in the position to go, we're admitting that we're putting abuse on TV. It's just very triggering. I I like to I don't even know, guys. I just have a fucking shell of people, those producers going, yep, this is great TV. This is great TV. And I haven't seen the episode yet, but apparently Athena, um, the week after Friends and Family is on the couch with Adrian after all of this, and you can see that she's a shell of a person, and they force Athena to tell the judges what she likes about Adrian. Can you imagine feeling like you're in an abusive relationship? You're holding on by a thread fucking mentally, and they go, What do you like? What do you like about your abuser? Let's focus on the positive. Because I'm sure there's something nice about him that you're not telling us. Like, why are you why are you focusing on the negative, Safina? Yuck. Like, shut the fuck up. I don't know, like, if I was ever on a show like that, and I say that you say this now from the outside looking in, if you were on a show like that, I would get up and walk off. I tell him to go fuck himself. But you don't know what what goes on one on the show, but also when you're in it, because drum roll please, I was in my abusive relationship for three years, and it took me three years to leave. So I think it's really important if you have someone that's in an abusive relationship, or you are like judgment-free zone. They, as long as they know that there is support or someone they can turn to, they obviously do it on their own accord. Just reassure them, always be that safe space that they can turn to. There are resources. And I think now more than ever, where there's so much awareness around it, there are more people speaking up. There's more signs and words and language around what does emotional abuse look like? You know, what is a narcissist? What is gaslighting? Um, what is coercive control? What is manipulation? Like that language just was not a thing when we were in high school. Like, you don't know what that's what it is. So I think it's good to understand what those behaviors and characteristics look like, and then go, oh fuck, like, am I going through this? Is my partner a narcissist? And then, yeah, getting the fuck out if you can. So I hope that hasn't been too heavy for anyone. But again, I just really I think it's really important that we talk about this kind of shit, whether you've gone through it or not, or you know someone, talk about it. People need to know what it looks like. People need to know the symptoms, signs, symptoms, like it's a disease, signs that they're going through it. And getting help, I will list to the best of my knowledge some places that you can reach out to for yourself or a friend. If you know people going through it, um, and the best course of action to take to get through that and to eventually leave and to have a support system set up for once you've gone. Because I think a lot of people, not necessarily me, but I have spoken to people in abusive relationships and they've gotten out, is I was too, they were too scared to leave, or they just didn't want to leave because they have that mindset of, oh, well, I have nowhere to go, or I'm not earning my own money, or I don't know what life looks like without this person, which is all very fucking valid. But that's big part of the control, is they isolate you from so much and they make you rely on them. You know, this is a whole other kettle of fish. There's financial abuse as well. Like they trap you in any way they can so that you're fearful to leave. Like, how how do I stand on my own two feet? The idea of being alone for some people is scarier and more uncomfortable than being abused because as fucked up as abuse is, unfortunately, it's so so much of a reality for them, so much of a fucking routine that that the unknown is more scary. How fucked up is that, right? So yeah, I will leave some links. Um, if you want to chat about anything, please hop on over to my Instagram page if you feel like you want to chat about this. I'm always here for you guys. I'm happy to share my story if it helps anyone, if it impacts anyone. I think I really just delve into it uh surface level, obviously, with examples, because I'm not about to go back to that time and get in that mind frame. So I'd rather just talk about some examples of fucked up behavior and fucked up control. And hopefully that led you to some clarity or awareness. Please be safe. Reach out if you need. Thank you so much for listening. Um, give this podcast a follow if you feel like you're getting some value. I post every week, and I love you guys so much, and I'll see you soon.