How to break up with your friend

In this episode, we’re talking about the kind of breakup no one prepares you for—friendship breakups. 

I’m diving into signs you’ve outgrown a friendship, knowing when to decide to work on it vs. walking away and how to part ways with grace (and less guilt). 

It’s not about drama—it’s about growth. If you’ve been feeling the shift in your circle, this one’s for you

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm obviously not the same person I was when I was 10 years old and what we had in common with school camp. Give yourself permission for peace over pleasing. It's okay for people to be chapters in your book versus a main character for the whole fucking book. Who's gotta go? Who we getting off the ship? Who we kicking off the island. What's up, guys? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. I am your host, Jade. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. It's been a great week for me. I feel like I'm kicking goals. I feel super motivated and on track in terms of projects, businesses, programs for you guys. I'm just really excited. And it's very true what they say. Like you feel motivated when you're living in alignment with your values. So check in with those and set goals for yourself depending on what they are, because I promise you you'll feel a lot more motivated. Anyway, today we're diving into something a lot of us struggle with, but actually rarely talk about, which is outgrowing your friends. And yep, I'm gonna be covering today how to break up with them. How to break up with your friends when they are no longer serving you or no longer a part of your life. We're gonna cover it, okay? I want to make sure that I'm always honest with you guys. I'm super empathetic of your situation, but you know, it comes down to having someone in your life that's empowering and honest and having you as their best interest, right? I think for me personally, going through life as a people pleaser, we don't necessarily make the best decisions in terms of what's best for us or for me. It's based off of how everybody else is gonna feel if I make those choices. And we don't want to live like that anymore, guys. We we can still be kind, respectful, and compassionate people, but put ourselves first. And today's topic is gonna be uh based around how to put yourself first and to not be a pee-pa-pilizer when it comes to people in your life. This is something I now being 32 have experienced absolutely in my 20s, but still in your 30s. And I guess now that I've experienced it multiple times, will reassure you and tell you guys that it is something you will probably have to manage throughout your whole life, depending on who's coming, who's going, who you surround yourself with, how long you've had that person in your life. Um, so yeah, I think it's good to learn about it so that when it does happen, if it's already happened or it will continue to happen, you know what to do about it. First part I want to cover is just the reality of growing out of friendships and how normal it is. I think a lot of people have these feelings, which I will get into, of a I guess addressing or having concerns or doubt about a relationship or some conflict, and they perhaps look inwards and go, Well, what have I done? Like, why do I feel so strange about this relationship? Especially if you've had that friend in your life for so many years. But I just want to reassure you, not every friendship is meant to last forever. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you're a bad person, they're a bad person, the relationship is a failure. Just want to reiterate with this notion that just because a friendship ends, it's not because of hate, but it's because of healing. It's about, you know, that friendship hasn't worked because of because of possibly growth, you know, your values and and who you are becoming as a person and we're growing up together. So it's not necessarily that either of you are bad people or the relationship was bad. And don't get me wrong, some situations of breaking up with a friend is absolutely because the other person is an asshole. Um, but you know, there are some times where it's difficult to go, well, why do I feel like I don't want to be this person's friend anymore? Nothing's really happened. We haven't had a fight, we don't, you know, we haven't had a big blow-up, but I don't want to be their friend anymore. And that's when it's difficult to break up with them because how do you start that dialogue? Or how do you start that process if there's nothing to go, clearly you're a piece of shit friend, that's why I want to break up with you. You know, that's that's why this is really important and why it's difficult. I guess the reality of why you might outgrow friendships is definitely as you grow, as you change. For me personally, doing personal development since I was 19 years old, I am just so interested in learning about myself and how the brain works, and in particular how my brain works, and why I say certain things and why I decide certain things and do certain things. And as I do that, and you learn what you do like, what you don't like, you quickly go, huh, like that person no longer serves or is in alignment with those list of things that I've learned about myself. And that's just life, you know, that's why we outgrow people the more we continue to grow ourselves. I just want to validate, I think, a very normal emotion that comes up for people, especially women, when I guess you're confronted with that feeling of not wanting to be friends with someone, and that feeling is guilt or perhaps shame for drifting away. And this is normally associated when you've had a lifelong friend, like you went to school together, you're now in your 20s or 30s, and you're like, I'm obviously not the same person I was when I was 10 years old, and what we had in common was school camp. Like you still respect that person and you still admire and honor and love that person, but that does not mean that they have to be someone in your life moving forward for whatever reason. And established, there's a difference between having people in your life that you're still on good terms with, but it doesn't necessarily mean you go out of your way in terms of time and energy to see that person on a regular basis. We're talking about like the energy it takes to um nurture a friendship and continue nurturing that friendship, and we'll get to that. But I just want to acknowledge like a lot of people will feel that guilt or shame when they feel themselves drifting away from people. Now, the very obvious thing is things to look out for, things to look out for that you go, hmm, okay, I'm outgrowing this person or this friendship. What's that um relationship or that dynamic that you guys have together? So a couple of things you want to look out for, you have either already experienced them, or I'm about to start listing them off, and you're going, yeah, I'm feeling all of these things, that means it's time to take action, okay? Things to look out for, okay. You feel like when you are conversing with them, when you do catch up with them, your conversations and your communication is very surface level. It's like, oh, how's the weather? How's your mum? You know, things like that. There's no really deep and meaningful, life-changing conversations with them anymore. You want friends that kind of challenge you and support you and nurture you and you know, are your biggest cheerleader, not really surface level, like you ran into someone at the grocery store, your house, Jeff? Oh yeah, great, moving on. Like, it's not I don't have time for those kind of friendships in my life anymore. Do you know what I mean? Acquaintance versus friend. So another big red flag is if you leave a conversation with this friend and you feel very drained, very drained emotionally, physically, spiritually. This is actually one of the reasons that I recall for me personally that I let a friend go from high school is every time I caught up with her, it was a sub story, woe is me, like the world was out to get her, always was blaming everybody else, always was very negative about how she spoke about people, how she interacted with people. Every story when I would ask, What have you been up to? Or how are you? How's your week been? Was oh, this effort person and then this bitch I seen and blah blah blah. I'm like, okay. Red flag that is not at all who I want to be surrounding myself with. So, you know, pick up on the conversations and are they surface level or really deep and meaningful with these friends? And also, how are you feeling when you leave that scenario with that said friend? Are you lit are you leaving feeling positive, uplifted, motivated, grateful that you're your friend, like supported, loved, or are you leaving going fucking hell? Like I need a week off from everybody after having a conversation with that person. That leads into my next oh I knocked my pop filter, guys. It leads into my next point was that you don't feel seen, heard, or supported. Every relationship is gonna have their tiffs, that's very normal. We're human beings, we have different opinions, but you know, is this friend very overpowering? Do they criticize you often? Do they not let you even have a say? Do they judge you when you do have a say? Do you feel safe in opening up to them with no judgment? Or do you feel safe even saying anything? Are they a fucking narcissist? Is what I'm getting at. You know, it's important that you have friends and people in your life that you can go to and you feel safe opening up and you feel safe exploring your own thoughts with no judgment. Um, even I think it's really important to a good friend doesn't necessarily have to agree with you, right? It's very normal to have contradicting views or opinions. And I think a really good friend can, it's this beautiful masterpiece of I support you and I have your back 100%. Have you thought about it in this different way? Obviously, it's not going to sound like that when you're talking to them, but they you you both feel safe enough to explore each other's thoughts and opinions in a safe, calm, supportive manner. That's really important. I have definitely experienced people, and this is a huge fucking red flag, that dismiss your growth, your ambitions. Like if you get a promotion at work, for example, they make it all about them, or they start talking about something that completely takes away from your shine. And again, there's a difference between shared experiences and amping each other up, like fuck yeah, so did I, like, oh my god, I'm so happy for you. Versus every single time your growth and your accomplishments are completely unheard, unseen, dismissed, like it's all about them. That gets really, really tiring, right? You don't want to have to fight for attention or fight for praise or love with your friend. These are, it's funny, like the things that I've listed are based off of my own personal experience. And as I'm looking at this list, I'm like, oh, I've broken up with a lot of people. Some of these lists are from all one person, but I think they've definitely had a lot of friendship breakups. And at the beginning, you feel bad about it, but as you get used to it, it's like firing people if you're a manager at work. The first couple of times you feel really bad, and then you just get used to it, and you're like, Yeah, you're no good, move on. It should be the same with our personal relationships. The second thing I was gonna mention on that point is if they don't respect your boundaries or your choices. So I actually had a friend, I met her when I was single, so obviously a lot of our time spent together was us going out to parties and pubs and clubs, and like you know, being single at those events and hanging out with men and all this stuff, right? And then I got a boyfriend, and she still expected that the relationship dynamic would continue the same. Now I'm all for going to get dinner with you, girlfriend, let's go have a glass of wine. But I have no interest in going with you to a club to chat to men, because I promise you, you have a hundred other people you could go do that with. Like, I'm just not your girl for that anymore. There's a very different dynamic, and the more that I try to set that boundary and say, I know this is how our friendship started, but it now either has to shift in terms of I'm still who I am in this relationship with you, I'm still supportive, I still love you, I still want to hang out with you, but I just don't want to hang out with you in that nature or that environment. That's one boundary crossed, right? If you set a boundary with a friend where she calls you every single night with the same issues, or calls you every time that you're hanging out with, let's say you get a boyfriend and she constantly interrupts that time, and you set that boundary and say, babe, I want to be here for you, but let's pick this up tomorrow, or can you stop calling me at this time? It's when I have dinner with my partner, or especially if you are friends with people that have kids, right? A lot of new boundaries will be set in that relationship. And if you don't have if your friends aren't respecting where you're at in your life and the boundaries that you're setting, they're just no good to you anymore. Like it is what it is. So, yeah, another thing to look out for. Are they not respecting the boundaries that you're putting in place? You don't want to feel like you're constantly fighting for that boundary. You set it and it's either adhered to and respected, or what are we doing here? Like, I shouldn't have to fight tooth and nail for to be heard, seen, respected in my boundaries. Something huge to look out for, and this was a lot of my experience, probably with most friends that I broke up with. Do you feel anxious or almost obligated to go see this person? Um, let's say, for example, they organize a catch-up. Do you feel dread? Are you not excited to go see them? You're like, oh, I guess so. Like, I haven't seen her for a while. I guess I should go see her. That's a huge red flag. Like, you should be happy and excited to see people. That's probably a reflection. If you're already at that feeling of, you know, I'm not excited to see this person. I'm almost trying to think of ways to get out of it already. It's a huge indication that all of the above that I've just mentioned has already started happening, right? Because I think if a lot of the other things that are listed have not been met, it leads you to that place of uh I'm not looking forward to this person. A friendship shouldn't be, yep, I'm just gonna tick off that I've seen her for the month. Like, that's my quota. And I've felt like that with a friend before. That's why I'm speaking from personal experience. Is like, oh, she'll be happy if I just see her once a month. Hopefully, she doesn't call me again. Like, that is not a good feeling. And you know what? If you're feeling like this, ownership, if you're feeling like that, your friend should know about that. Like, your friends should know that you're in that place because it's not fair to them if they don't think there's any problem and they might start feeling rejected or not seen and heard because you're already in that place, your actions and your energy and how you speak to them might start changing. I've I definitely didn't address it soon enough, and I started to resent this friend and how I treated her. Like, no, I didn't I didn't go out of my way to be a piece of shit, but I knew that she could felt feel me slipping away. I knew that she could feel me like less excited, less connected, less we were spending less and less time together because I was just dreading seeing her. I just wanted nothing to do with her. And instead of putting my big girl pants on and having these tough conversations, which we'll get into, you know, those friendships end up in a really bad place or too far gone because we just couldn't have those adult conversations of like, hey, I don't feel seen, or I feel like every time I talk about my accomplishments, you fucking make it about you, you know what I mean? So have the little conversations along the way before it gets to that feeling of like, I don't fucking want to see this person, okay. Another thing, just a little tip that you can relate to or think about, is you know, do you have anything in common anymore beyond shared history? This is a lot to do with like your long-term friendships. This is something I actually have come up very often with my clients. They are going through this phase of, you know, I I feel like I've outgrown my friends. I've been friends with them since high school, but we don't fucking have anything in common anymore. And I'm like, okay, what's the problem then? Like, she goes, I feel like I have to be their friend because I've known them since school. How many of you have had that thought where you're like, I feel like I owe it? I feel like I have to be friends with this person still, because I've known them for 10 plus years, right? Ah, just here to let you know, guys, you don't fucking owe anyone anything. You don't have to be friends with people. Have to, the words have to is not language that should be in your vocabulary in a sentence. Shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do. So that's why we're moving to the next important phase of do you make the decision to work on it or to walk away? Assess the situation, assess this person individually, and assess the relationship with this person. Go through all of the signs, all of the red flags, which stage are you at? If it's too fucking far gone and it's just they're not serving you anymore, probably walk away. Or is it little conversations that can probably you can probably work on that therefore you're choosing to nurture it? Here are some questions that you can reflect on. If you if if you're listening to this episode and you've already got someone in mind, it's time. It's time. Are you picturing a whole relationship and memories with someone in particular? It's time, babe. It's time. Here are some questions that you can reflect on, whether you work on the relationship or whether you're were ready to walk away. So can you be honest with this friend about how you're feeling? Like if you were going through a crisis, can you rely on them to support you, to love you unconditionally with no judgment, not making about themselves, things like that. If you were to set a boundary right now with them, one, are you even confident having a boundary conversation? But two, would they respect it? Would they honor that? Would they be, yeah, of course, no worries, babe, thanks for letting me know? Or or are they like, well, that doesn't suit me? And third question Do you feel emotionally safe and supported? Pretty similar to my first question, but when you're catching up with these friends and you've you've gone through a tough time and you're talking, are your emotions cared for and respected? Do you feel safe even expressing emotion or what's gone on? Do you do you feel like you can be honest with them? And are you supported when you express? Or is it kind of dismissed or they don't take it seriously? Or is it surface level conversations and you can't have those deep conversations anymore? So questions, you know, when is the friendship worth rebuilding and nurturing? And when is it time for you to let them go? Alright, for the sake of this podcast, let's say that you've decided to let them go. It's by it's time for baba. You've made that brave and courageous decision, not easy, but a courageous decision to end it. So how do we end this friendship with grace? Because we still want to be respectful. We're kind human beings, we're not a piece of shit. How are we gonna do this with grace? And it doesn't always end with a dramatic conversation, doesn't require a huge fucking DM where you go, I am breaking up with you. Okay? If you want to do that, go for gold. You know, for me personally, it it's always just a slow fade. A slow fade. Withdraw yourself. I just want to reassure you that that's okay. We're not all fucking perfect, we're not all Tony Robbins out there trying to have difficult conversations with people. We're human beings, we've held on to these people for sometimes longer than 10 years. We do not need to have an abrupt, dramatic conversation of we're done, you're done. Okay? Slow fades are okay. Then it begs the question of when should you have quote unquote the talk, you know, and what do you say if you decide to have that talk? It's important to value what you guys have had together and shared together up until that point. Just acknowledge that I'm I'm very grateful and I value the time we have had together and what we've experienced together and shared together, and what you've brought to my life up until this point. But I want to acknowledge that I feel like we're going in different directions. We're growing in different directions. And these, again, you may not be in the position where you can have an honest conversation like this because you don't feel supported, you don't have deep level conversations, they don't appreciate your boundaries. If that's the case with this person, a slow fade is probably best. But for whatever reason, if you do feel comfortable having these conversations, you know, you definitely want to acknowledge what you've had together. And you I think it's important to note for me personally, I realize that you know, people bring different things to your life at different times for a reason. Like it's okay for people to be chapters in your book versus a main character for the whole fucking

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Book.

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So before you have that conversation, get clear on that yourself. What have you valued about this friendship? What have they brought to your life in a positive way? And still be grateful for that and respect that, but honor yourself enough that that is no longer what you need, what serves you. They no longer continue to contribute positive stuff to your life, but they did at one point, and that's okay. Be grateful for that. But acknowledge we're now growing in different directions, okay? Give yourself permission to choose peace over people pleasing. Give yourself permission to choose peace over people pleasing. And I think this is why it's so difficult for people to break up with their friends because we know how we feel. We know we don't want them in our life anymore, but they're gonna be upset if I say this, or you know, what are they gonna feel like if I'm not around? All this stuff starts going on in your head because it's easier for us to be people pleasers and hurt ourselves in the process than it is putting ourselves first and potentially hurting the other person, right? So it starts with giving your permission for that piece. What are the positives of not having them around anymore? We've established everything positive they brought to our life up until this point, but we're no longer getting that. We've outgrown each other. So, what are the positive reasons that letting them go? How will that impact my life in a positive way moving forward? It's good to also establish that because that's the whole fucking point. Breaking up with your friend is they're no longer serving you. Um, I don't need you in my life, and again, that's okay, that's not a bad thing. That's not that doesn't mean you're a bad person. You're just not serving me anymore, Del. Love and appreciate you up until this point, but that's where it ends, you know. One thing I will say when you're ending a friendship, remember it's with grace. You want to avoid ghosting. I'm sure we've all been ghosted before, but remember it it may not be because they're a shit person. So we don't want to disrespect them, we don't want to be rude, we don't want to be mean about it. You know, it's unnecessary for your mental health and their mental health to just ghost someone, even though that may be an easy choice. We're we're more we're better than that, Del. We're more mature than that, you know. So if you decide to have the chat, have the chat. That's how you have the chat. Add a little bit of cleanup. Okay, I talk about this so much in my podcast, and it's actually a main module in my program that I teach my girls is auditing your friend circle. Auditing your circle in general, in terms of who you hang out with, like your romantic life, your work relationships, your friendships, family. But for this particular episode, it's auditing your friendship circle. My fa one of my favorite quotes is you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So if you were to list off right now who are the five people you spend most of your time with, are they a true reflection of your values, your goals, your self-worth, what you believe in, what you think is positive, what's right, you know, are they a true reflection of that, or that are they the complete opposite and quite a conflict for you? It's it's okay to give yourself permission that you want to and should be able to surround yourself with people that inspire you, energize you, uplift you, support you. You want to leave spending time with people feeling better than you did going in versus the opposite, going backwards, going down, feeling shit, feeling demotivated, depressed, right? Feeling bad about yourself, that's a big fucking red flag. And if you're looking to look in the future in terms of auditing your circle and who's gotta go, who we getting off the ship, who we kicking off the island, does this friendship or does this person feel aligned with one, who am I currently? But two, more importantly, are they aligned with who I'm becoming? Because we're constantly growing, we're constantly wanting to be better people, I would think. That's why you're listening to this podcast. So is this person also growing in their own way, but in conjunction with where your growth is going? If so, go back, choose to nurture the friendship. If not, that's okay. Give yourself permission for peace over pleasing. Okay, is this friendship aligned with where I'm going and who I'm becoming? Ask yourself that. Audit your fucking circle right now. Who are you spending time with? Who are your besties? Who's your partner? Are you unsure about your partner right now? Ask yourself, is this person aligned with who I'm becoming or who I want to be, who I'm striving to be? If not, off the island, babe, off the island. I don't know where an island came from, it just popped in my head. We're going with it. We're rolling with it. So, I think a little reframe for you guys to think about is ending a friendship isn't rejection for them and for you. It's actually a redirection. Like I was going on this path with you, and then I started growing. I'm now taking a right-hand turn on a little squiggle, my life journey map, and we're on different squiggles. Your life's going that way, mine's going this way. It's we're at the T junction of your life. You shake hands. Thanks so much for being such an important part of my life up until this point at the T junction. I'm gonna go right, you're gonna go left. Love, appreciate you, I wish you all the best. See you later. Go different ways, and that's okay. Ending a friendship isn't rejection, it's redirection. And remind them if you feel fucking empowered, or at least this is how you can think to yourself in your mind so you don't feel guilty. Because again, that may come up for you. Remind them that you're allowed to grow. Like you personally, listening to this, you're allowed to grow, and not everyone is gonna grow with you, and that's okay. I think a lot of the times I have felt like I'm fucking excelling in life. I'm on this path, I'm so interested in personal growth, personal development, doing things to be a better person. And at times, especially in my 20s, my friends were not doing the same. They couldn't give a fuck about who they were or where they were going in life. And at times I felt like I was pulling back in my personal development journey. I was like slowing down to meet them at their level. Fuck that. You know, you're growing, and that's okay. You're allowed to grow, you're allowed to want to be a different person, you're allowed to want to be a better version of yourself. And if you feel bad about doing that because of the people that you surround yourself with, honey, they are not your people. They are not your people, get them off the island. I swear to God. I think this whole thing is giving you permission to find your peace, to stop being a people pleaser. I think if we could just wave a magic wand and no longer be a people pleaser, imagine how far we would be. Who would we be surrounding ourselves with right now? Ask yourself that. If you could wage them wave a magic wand and people pleasing wasn't a tendency for you, where would you be? Who would you be hanging out with? Oh shit. Mic drop. So a little question I'll leave you with, because you I still want you to order and really think about is you know, which friendships in your life are currently nourishing? Nourishing your soul and your life, and which ones feel like an obligation. Which ones make you cringe, which ones make you sweat with anxiety? Think about that. And a reminder to yourself, because you're doing the work, and if you weren't doing the work, you would not be interested in breaking up with your friends. I just want to reassure you, you care about auditing your circle because you care about who you are, who you spend your time with, and where you're going in life. So take the time to do this uncomfortable process because I promise you'll be better off for it. Some friendships end not because of hate, but because of healing. Boom, mic drop. You're so welcome. Alright, guys, we'll leave it there. I think it's important to talk about this. I'm gonna put some questions up. So if you're not following me already, head over to Instagram, Jade Delpupcoaching. The links will all be in the description. Uh, wherever you're listening to this. But please, if you've enjoyed it, like, follow, give it a five stars, hit that little bell so you know when I post. Thank you so much for listening. Love you guys so much, and I'll see you next week.

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Bye.