Stop shrinking yourself to fit in

Are you dimming your light just to be liked? 

In this episode, we’re talking about the quiet ways women shrink themselves—whether it’s downplaying success, apologizing too much or holding back to avoid being “too much.” 

It’s time to let that go. You’ll learn how to spot the subtle signs of self-shrinking, understand why we do it and get real, practical ways to start owning your space with confidence. Because being palatable isn’t the goal—being powerfully you is.

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Transcript

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It's like, girl, shut up. Like, just take my compliment. I wish I literally just had a magic wand and go, bam, like, see yourself how I see you. Be your true self out in the world, despite the very real possibility that you will be judged. Have you molded yourself to feel accepted by people around you? What's up, guys? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. I am your host, Jade. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. This week, we are talking about why you need to stop shrinking to fit in. Firstly, I have a really exciting update that I want to share with you guys. I went to the pet store the other day, just Pet Barn, to buy biscuits for my two cats. So I have two ragdolls, Miko and Nala. Um, and obviously I went there and Pet Barn works with Cat Haven in Perth to help adopt out cats. Pet Barn had a little window and this cat was in there, and I just melt. Like I feel so bad, I can't help it. I ended up standing at this little window thing that she was in and played with her for like 20 minutes. I had already bought my cat food. I was like, I'm just gonna hang out because I feel fucking awful leaving. So um I had a little moment, I was a little teary-eyed, and I went and sat in my car and I messaged my partner and was obviously just devastated for her. And I was like, oh my god, there's a cat in the window. It's so sad. You know, just thinking nothing of it. I was just gonna express how I was feeling. And he said, Oh, okay, like what are you, what's going on? Like, what are you hoping for? And I was like, uh, is this an open discussion? Like, where is this going? And I said, I don't know. Dot dot dot. She's really cute and I feel bad. And he goes, Okay, well, how much is she? I was like, I begg your pardon. Is this possible? Because don't fuck with me. I will walk inside right now and I will get her and bring her home. So, long story short, I adopted a new cat. I have three cats. Everyone thought I was the crazy cat lady. Now I am definitely, but like, how I'm not the type of person, how selfish of a person would I be if I just left her there. Like, I'm not that kind of gal. So I brought her home with me, and she is just perfection. She is called Lulu. I don't know what breed she is. I they say it's domestic, but she's got a bit of something in her. It caught my eye because I think she has a little bit of ragdoll in her. Um, but apparently she was homeless, and it did say like she was found on the streets, and it did say her own her people never came to collect her. So I don't know if she already had owners and they just fucking abandon her. And I don't like to think about it because I did the first week I had her home and I just bored my eyes out because I'm like, why would anyone do that? I hate it when people get animals and if it's an inconvenience, they just take them to a shelter. Like you took on the responsibility of that animal when you brought it. Do better as a fucking human. Anyway, so I have three cats now: Lulu, Miko, and Nala, and we're one big happy family. So integration is going very slow. It's been a week and they haven't met yet. They're in separate rooms, smelling each other through doors and things like that. I've been swapping out all of their blankies, just picking up scents for each other. So slow and steady wins the race because one of my cats is blind. I'm hoping that my male house cat, Miko, becomes best of friends with Lula so that he finally has someone to play with because the blind cat is just not having it. She likes her peace. So hopefully he's got a friend now. Exciting! Okay, so let's go into the episode Stop Shrinking to Fit In. Do you identify with that? Are you the kind of girl that you laugh quieter because you don't want to be seen or you don't want the attention? You dress quote unquote safer, you don't want the attention, and God forbid a woman wears what she wants without being harassed, or do you tend to hold back your opinion just so you won't be seen as too much? Or perhaps you're holding back because you don't want to put yourself in a vulnerable state to be judged or not to be taken seriously or to be laughed at, things like that. You know, that is how you are shrinking yourself to fit in. I want to dive into this because many women are actually doing this to be more palatable, I guess. And I want to make sure you know how to break this habit so that you can start owning your space, feeling more comfortable with who you are and putting yourself out there. Because no one, no one deserves to shrink to fit in. Because there's a reason that we are all so different, because we are supposed to stand out. I'm gonna talk about a few different ways that you possibly are already shrinking. Uh if I list any of these and you go, oh fuck, I've been doing this, like I've got you, babe. I've got you. Make sure you're following this pod because I've got you. I'm your girl, okay? It might look like downplaying your achievements. Now I do want to distinguish there's a difference between being humble and there's a difference between just never being proud out loud. You know, you're you feel like you're not able to talk about things that you're proud of in fear of judgment, in fear of criticism or being laughed at, things like that. There's there's a really big difference between being humble and being afraid or not comfortable to talk about your achievements. You apologize constantly. This was me, okay? I'm still working on it, but it is a huge people-pleasing tendency to apologize. Like you have nothing to be fucking sorry for. Okay, nothing. And I think it's become such a norm for our language to just go, okay, sorry. But we're not actually sorry. Like, does what does that mean? What is the word I apologize? Like, what weight does that hold anymore when it's just we actually don't think we've done anything wrong, yet we feel like we're obligated to apologize. And in this, in the depth, comes ownership, obviously, in how we perhaps impact people, how we how our behavior impacts people, how our thoughts and language and words actually can impact people. Then we can feel sorry and want to apologize and take ownership. But are you apologizing constantly from a place of being a people pleaser? Too scared to rock the boat, I'm sorry that you know I had an opinion, I'm sorry that I disagreed with you, I'm sorry that I used my words, like that is the big difference. You it could look like um you staying quiet in rooms where you actually have value. You were scared to speak up, you were scared to hold conversations with people, you were scared to have light shone on you in fear of rejection, criticism, things like that. A big one, and this is something that I resonate with, is dressing to blend in instead of standing out. There's a big example I have, and I relate it to festivals because that is my absolute passion is dressing up fun and creative and out there. And where else in the world can you get away with bear being half naked wearing glitter? Do you know what I mean? So, you know, there were definitely moments where I went to one of these big festivals in Europe called Let It Roll. It's a drama-based festival. And I, it was probably one of my favorite festival outfits I have ever worn. And I remember, like my friend and I that were going, we were looking at outfits on the website or just their Instagram page, like trying to gauge what people were wearing. Because it it goes without saying that different events have like different styles and themes, right? Different festivals, especially. So I was like, I don't know, like I feel like I really want to wear this, despite what the theme might be. And I tell you, I was definitely dressed way less than everyone there. The theme was definitely wear black to this festival. Um, but everyone was very well closed. And I actually did not give a fuck. Like I it was fucking cold. I was cold, but I didn't care because I felt good. I wanted to express myself creatively through my costume. Um, and I was like, when else am I ever gonna be able to wear something like this? I wear pajamas or gym clothes in general. Like, when do I ever get to wear stuff like that? And that was my way of creatively expressing myself. And if I had not been able to do that, if I let my fear of what people have thought about me or fear of judgment or feeling insecure, if I let that take over, then I'm not honoring my needs to express myself creatively. So I said, fuck it, I'm gonna take my clothes off and go out in public. Um, and one last one that you might resonate with, guys, is you're avoiding leadership opportunities or visibility in fear of judgment. So if this is um present for you in the workplace, how often are you not putting your hand up for opportunities? Are you not speaking in meetings when they're asking for people's input or opinions because you're embarrassed or you're scared to speak your mind? If you resonate with any of those, you're you're shrinking yourself. I want to talk about why we do it. Why are we shrinking ourselves to fit in? Why do we think that we need to be duller, smaller, quieter? Why are we doing it? You know, I think we're conditioned to be quote unquote likable or easygoing or not too much. And this comes from either personal experiences. Have you been in a relationship where you were told you're too loud or you're being too much, you're embarrassing me, or like people have made fun of what you've said when you have said something on your mind or stood your ground or set a boundary? Is it coming from belief systems that are deep rooted in childhood? You know, we be seen, not heard, or we don't cry around here, or things like that, okay? It can also be coming from a place of fear of rejection. Definitely that's why a lot of people shrink themselves. They don't speak up, they don't apply for things, they don't put themselves out there. It's that fear of rejection or being labeled as you're in you're too intimidating or you're too loud or you're too bossy. Like fuck that. Put yourself out there. So it's either experiences that we've had in our childhood or even just as an adult. Have you had something happen where you go, oh, okay, I now know that there's a consequence or a negative feeling associated with putting myself out there, therefore I'm not gonna do it anymore. And it just continues to build and build and build, and you continue to build this wall of doubt and fear. And that becomes higher than your ability or your want to be yourself and put yourself out there and be your true self out in the world, despite the very real possibility that you will be judged or you will be criticized. And confidence means doing it despite the fear, despite the opportunity to be criticized, because it doesn't matter what other people say or think about you, as long as you value yourself, that is all that matters. Fuck what people think, is what I have to say about that. I want to talk about what it looks like to take up space, what reclaiming that space looks like, what it looks like to be your true self unapologetically. It means speaking up for yourself, speaking clearly, speaking what's on your mind, regardless of fear of what other people think about you. Dressing how you want, not how you're expected to. Okay, that's a big one. Is it relationships? Is it culture? Is it societal norms? Like wear whatever the fuck you want. It's sharing your opinions, being brave to and courageous to. Speak what's on your mind and share your opinions, even if it's not what everyone else thinks or everyone else is saying. You know, if your opinion is unpopular, it takes a certain amount of courage to go against the grain of what everyone else in society thinks, right? That that takes confidence and courage. It can be like a physical aspect as well. How do you walk into a room when it's uncomfortable or a new opportunity or a new space? Are you walking, you know, um, hands across your belly, um, hold shoulders hunched over, chest closed? Are you hiding in a corner? Um, or are you walking in fucking confidently strutting, confidently strutten, chest open, shoulders back, head high. I am here, I am taking up space, I am loud, I exist, everyone look at me. Or are you kind of creeping in in the corner, hiding? Okay, there's a big difference. Celebrate yourself out loud. What needs to happen for a lot of us in order to not shrink ourselves is you need to let go of the need to be liked or likable. Because if you operate in the world and constantly show up with the ideology of I hope I fit in, or I hope that I'm accepted, or I hope that I am societ, I am what society deems as cool or acceptable or quote unquote a good person. The confidence to be happy and confident and content with who you are, and then stepping out into the world, think and the the mindset behind that should be like I am who I am. If you don't like me, that's on you. Not how can I mold myself? What parts of me can I dull? What parts of me can I hold back and keep quiet to fit in? That's the difference. Your fullness will repel the wrong people and attract the right ones. I always say, especially like in datings or when you're trying to make friends, why would you not go about it being yourself? Because that person is meeting you for the first time and they're deciding if they like you or not. If they are meeting a version of you that it is not there, it doesn't exist, you're not being who you are, you then have to keep up that facade for the rest of the relationship. I would rather be my absolute true authentic self and have those people decide, I don't vibe with that, or you're not what we need, blah, blah, blah, and then go, yeah, no worries, that's okay. Let's part ways. Because I don't want someone to accept me for the fake version of myself or this different persona that I'm putting on. Why do we pretend to be things that we're not to suit other people when we should be behaving and showing up as our true selves so that when people do accept us, they're accepting you for who you truly are. Not a fake version of yourself. I would rather surround myself with people that like me for me, not the fake version of myself. I definitely have had experiences in relationships where I pretended to like certain things or do certain things or behave a certain way just so I could get that person to like me. Obviously, I was young and naive and immature, but you you just feel so inauthentic and fake. It's like it's fucking tiring being someone that you're not. Because then you're actually not supposed to be with that person. You're not you're not their person, you're not a match because you don't like the same things. You want they like a different version of you that doesn't exist. It's disgusting looking back on, honestly. Just want to hug my younger self sometimes, like you silly bitch. Um, so yeah. Uh a good example is my current partner. I have always been someone when like dating or meeting people is I go 110% in. Like, I want to talk to you all the time, I want to see you all the time. But have you ever kind of done that and felt, oh, I'm not gonna text back straight away, or um, I'll wait for them to reach out to me. Like I hated dating because I hated all the rules. I hated all the guidelines. Like, I'm gonna full speed ahead. And if you don't like that, then that's fine, but I'm not your person. So the person I am with now, we matched straight away because we both went fucking 110% in. And I loved it. I knew he was my person because I never had doubt of where it was going or if he was my person because he was always chatting to me, always wanted to see me. You know, the the grand old saying of if he wanted to, he would, right? So why would you pretend to be someone that oh casually text you twice a week? No, I am the type of person, well, I'll text you multiple times a day because I want to talk to you. I want to know how your day's going. And if that's too much for you, I respect that. You're just not my person. So don't ever change yourself and your mannerisms and your values and your personality to fit in or pretend to be something you're not, because you're not attracting the right people. This is friendships, job opportunities, love life, it can be anything, okay? You shouldn't be watering yourself down to be more lovable, to be less you. You should just be your true authentic self and you will attract the right people in your life. If you look around and do a quick audit of who you surround yourself with right now, are those people in your life because they like a different version of you that's fake? Or do they are they surrounded and you're close with them because they've seen the real you and they like the real you? Do a quick audit. It's mostly when we're younger and we're naive and we're molding ourselves to quote unquote fit in. Are the people that you have around you right now seeing the fake version of you? I guess in the long term as well, you have to think, what is the cost of being liked, quote unquote liked, versus being real? Being real is true authentic connections and relationships. Um being the real you is less, less heavy on your your mental stability, how you feel about yourself energetically, because you're showing up fake is tiring. You know, the cost of being liked when you show up fake. Cool, what what is that ticking off? Likes and follows on Instagrams or you know, people saying, I don't even know. I don't even know what to list the pros of being liked is because you're attracting people around you, yeah, but it's fucking fake relationships because you're not being your true self. How do you even hold conversations in those friendships because this person that you've drummed up in your mind that you feel like you need to be to get their attention? That's not you. So how do you have things in common? What do you talk about? What is that person's values? I don't fucking know. Because you're not your true self. Really check in with yourself. How have you been showing up so far in relationships, at work, wherever you connect with people and yourself? How have you been showing up? Have you been your true self or have you been putting on a show and a facade? Have you molded yourself to feel accepted by people around you? If so, it's time to do some changing because we have to be showing up as our true selves. I'm gonna give you a few tips on how you can maybe one gain awareness on that question, are you being your true self? And then how to change it. The first one, you I say journal prompt, but if you don't like writing, um you can voice note it. It's just about like thinking about it, right? We're getting it out of our mind, we're making sense of it. But a question is where am I dimming myself to be accepted? Which relationships at work, in my hobbies, with my friends, with my family, where are you dimming yourself or shrinking yourself to feel accepted? Go out and wear that outfit you've been scared to wear. Wear it unapologetically, girl. Get it the fuck on and get out of your house. Because the only real person that you're hurting by not doing that is yourself. Like you're not honoring who you could be wearing that fabulous outfit. Get it on, get out the house. Practice saying thank you instead of downplaying compliments. This is a big one that a lot of people do. When someone compliments them, they feel like it automatically needs to be met with. Oh, don't say that, like, or you're just lying, or you're, yeah, good joke, I'm ugly. Um, and people just get so weird and uncomfortable with compliments instead of going, oh, thank you, that's so kind of you. I hate it. I'm I'm very complimentary to people, and I genuinely mean it. I do it all the time because it makes people so happy in the moment. I'll always say a compliment, and it pisses me off when people turn it into like a negative thing or an attention thing. Because I know that you know you agree with me, but don't make it weird, like just say thank you. It doesn't have to be like, oh my god, you know, don't be stupid. I can't believe you would say that about me. It's like, girl, shut up. Like, just take my compliment. It's so sad because I'm like, do you really not see what I see? That that's what hurts me the most being a confidence coach. I wish I literally just had a magic wand and go bam, like see yourself how I see you. Do you know? It's so sad when people don't see themselves the way that others do. Um, so yeah, big one practice saying thank you when you get a compliment, guys. And try to see yourself how others see you. It's just it's it takes a big step. I know. I get it. But you are capable of seeing yourself that way. It just takes practice, it takes taking action. Alright. Let's wrap it up with a bit of encouragement. Because I feel like in those moments where we're not able to see ourselves the way we do, or maybe you've just realized that shit, I am shrinking myself to fit in. What do I do? Okay. You don't this doesn't mean that you need to be louder. You don't you don't need to be this fucking vibrant, outgoing, bubbly person that walks into a room screaming and yelling and dancing? You don't need to dress naked at festivals like I do. What this means is you just need to stop hiding. The world needs your version of confidence, not a filtered one. So what does stopping hiding look like for you? So think about everything that you're doing in your life right now where you're shrinking. What is the opposite of that look like? That doesn't mean being naked at a festival. It's like, what how do I dress that suits me and makes me comfortable and confident? And as soon as a thought enters your mind where it's like, oh, I might not fit in, or that person said it looks like this, uh scratch that, get rid of it, come back to your center, come back to yourself. What do I want to wear that makes me feel good, me feel confident, me feel like myself? Okay, it's not about being loud, it's just about stopping hiding or stopping shrinking. So what does that look like for you? Okay, what does a non-filtered version of you look like? Literally draw a fucking human on a piece of paper. What are your values? What's your personality? What are you proud of about yourself physically and mentally, spiritually? Who are you as a person that you love? Where are you actually hiding right now? Which aspect that you would love to get out there and tell people about? I want you guys to start taking up space because where we weren't meant to fit in, we're meant to stand out. Okay, there's a there's a reason that unless you are an identical twin, that you look different to everyone else. Even identical twins are different personality-wise and values-wise, okay? There's a reason for that. I I realized the other day I was watching all these different movies and watching like TV shows and movies back in the day, everyone looks so different. And it's beautiful because we are, we are not the same people or the same person. We are supposed to look and behave differently. That's what makes life so interesting. Imagine having a conversation in a group or a circle of people. They all look the same and they all talk the same, they all behave the same. It's like I might as well have just cloned one person and lived with the same fucking person in the whole world. There's a reason we all think differently, behave differently. It makes life interesting, it makes connections interesting and different. Like life experiences with people come from people being different. Otherwise, it's just fucking boring. So you know, I'm starting to see everyone look the same, agree the same, be the same person, have the same opinions. Like it's okay to agree to disagree. It's okay to have different opinions, it's okay to have different values. So let's start being fuller, taking up more space because you were meant to stand out. Okay. Thank you so much for tuning in this week, guys. I hope you loved this session. If you'd like to follow for more, you can hit the follow button wherever you're listening to this episode or in the show notes. You know where to find me. My Instagram and everything is connected there. And I will see you guys next week.

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Bye.