Plot twist: I choose me

In this episode, we’re diving into the truth that everything is a choice. 

From staying in toxic relationships and draining jobs to people-pleasing friendships that don’t serve you—we often convince ourselves we’re stuck. 

But the reality? We’re choosing to stay. 

Together, we’ll uncover why we make these choices, how fear and self-doubt keep us stuck, and the mindset shifts that help you finally choose you. It’s time to reclaim your power, make bold decisions, and stop settling for less than you deserve.

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Transcript

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Have you ever stayed in a job that you hate, a relationship that's draining you, or a friendship that no longer feels good because leaving is too scary or too hard? Here's the thing: staying's a choice, but so is leaving. In today's episode, we're talking about the mindset behind why we stay stuck, the fears that keep us there, and the powerful shifts that help you finally choose you. Well, babes, it's time to stop settling, reclaim your power, and make choices that actually feel like freedom. Let's get into it. I am your host, Jade. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. The topic of everything is a choice. Now you might say, Jade, why the fuck are we talking about that? Well, this whole theme and realization that everything in our life is a choice comes from reflecting on my own life, my own journey, my own life experience. Because the amount of shit situations I've been in by choice. Like not looking for them, but once in them, choosing to stay in them, right? And that's what I mean. The choice to stay in a shit situation and then complain about it before you decide to get yourself out, or before you decide, hey, this is it. I need help. Kind of vibe. Every single day we are making choices. Whether that's life-changing choices, um, like life journey altering choices, even if it's just what am I wearing today? Where do I, what do I want to do on the weekend? Things like that. I guess the most painful thing in those decisions is having to admit, you know, I'm actually stuck in a pretty shit situation. Stuck, especially because a lot of us are emotional creatures. We either want to see the best in someone or we have a lot of hope for how the situation will pan out or the outcome of that situation. That's where that general sense of being stuck in a shitty situation comes from. Now, I do want to preface this this podcast episode is not to shame anyone, it's not to blame anyone, it's not to say, you know, cut the shit, stop the whole world is me. Because I get it. I've been there. I stayed in shitty relationships for years. I stayed in a very toxic workplace for years. I come from experience. So this is not a, you know, get your shit together, shaming episode. This is I've been where you have and I've come on the other side. Therefore, listen to what I have to say. Let me share your wisdom from the other side of the grave kind of vibe. Okay, it's empowerment. It's it's putting some oomph and some courage and some hope. The hope from me is okay, not from not from yourself. You know, I just kind of trying to drive that point home that staying where you are, staying in whatever crappy situation you're in, whether it's a relationship, a job, a a living situation, you know, what else could it be? A friendship, it's not the be-all and end all. You you have a choice to leave. Okay? That is that is the general consensus. For a lot of you, um, if you reflect back on how you got to these situations and and everything you've done in your life as a person, because I think a lot of the time when we doubt, how'd how the fuck did we get here? I think I'm a good person. Why do I have such a shitty boyfriend? Or, you know, I've learnt a lot, studied real hard. Why is the job that I'm in ruining my life? You know, you've done everything right on paper. Good job. You're a good friend, you work really hard, you're in a workplace where you are working your ass off and they probably don't value you, you know, but you are feeling that anxiety. You're feeling exhausted, and you're wondering what else is there to give. Is this it? Are you settling in this shitty relationship because you're scared that nothing better will come? Maybe you don't feel like you deserve any better. Getting deep in the intro. This episode is honestly just for you. To let you know that there is deep down a part of you that wants more, that knows that you are worthy of more. Even if you're scared to want it or acknowledge it, or perhaps you're at the point of knowing you want it, but you're like, how the fuck do I get out of this, right? This is for you. There's a big mindset behind the word choice. You know, why we stay, why we choose to stay. It's all well and good that we list, we can actually fundamentally list all the reasons why this is no good for us. But why the fuck do we choose the one reason we should stay over the hundreds? Right. It's fear of the unknown is one of them. It's better the devil that you know. It's the comfortability. You're in your comfort zone because it's predictable, right? I know it's shit. You know what's coming, but the feeling of predictability, the comfort from knowing what's in store for you, even though it's not great, is more comforting than the fear of the unknown. Like, what's on the other side of that? And I have been in those relationships where you go, Well, I'm scared to leave. Like, what if I can't find someone else? What if I can't, what if I never connect with someone else, like I connect with this family? And you know, my friends and family at the time would say, You're a fucking idiot. Of course there's other people out there. Of course you're gonna be happy later on in life. Mind you, I was like 15, 16 in this relationship, right? I'm now in my 30s. But why is our human brain designed? It is literally a fact, fundamentally designed for comfort, comfort zone, um, protection, safety. That is literally how we are hardwired, right? So, why do we distort that image that the current shitty situation I'm in is way more safe and comfortable than the fear of uncertainty and the fear of not knowing what's gonna happen. The thing with a comfort zone, now we say this about how we grow in general. Like if you're learning, if you're taking um opportunities and chances and like taking risks, things like that, that is where we grow. That is where we learn. That is that is called getting outside your comfort zone. But in relationships and like shitty jobs and shitty friendships, the comfort zone feels safe because it's something you know, even if that comfort zone is actually hurting you, it's holding you back, preventing you from feeling happy or even progressing further. I know for me, um, the job that I was in, the shitty job that I was in, uh, was actually doing so much damage to my physical and mental health for five years. It took me going on stress leave. Took me going on stress leave and going to the doctors and then putting heart rate things on my chest because I felt like I was having panic attacks every day, throwing up and crying in the bathroom at work over the slightest inconveniences because that's how stressed I was. There's a full episode about this on my podcast. Why why was I making excuses for that every day when the only logical answer would be to just get a different job? Right? Why does our brain think of all the possible reasons why we should stay in this fucked up situation? Another one, which is what my biggest driver was in the shitty workplace, was people pleasing. People pleasing. Afraid of letting others down or being judged, right? I can't leave this job. So many people are depending on me. I'm the only person in my region that's hitting fucking budget. Like if I leave, they won't, they won't hit any budget. Well, you're no use to anyone, babe, if you're crying and throwing up in the bathroom. You know what I mean? Like, my brain, if I saw anyone in the state that I was in and I was their manager, like I would be like, bro, calm down. Like, you are of no use to the company like this. We'll have to pay for your medical records if you stay. Right? But the people pleasing, the ability to set boundaries in the first place. This is obviously to do with like friendships and workplace, but also relationships, like romantic ones, if you need to. The ability to not set boundaries and then stick to them, because you're a people pleaser, the the concern or worry that you might let someone down or they might think differently of you because you say no to something, or you disagree, you put that first over how you are genuinely feeling mentally and physically. So the people peel, the people pleasing is bubbling up inside you, and that is your driver. You are driving and making decisions and going about your life from a place of people pleasing rather than what's best for yourself. And of course, a lot of it, which is in conjunction to the fear of the unknown, the comfort zone, the people pleasing, is low self-worth. Low self-worth. You truly, truly feel and know deep down, and this may be a subconscious thing if you don't have awareness of what it is, but if you have those limiting beliefs of I'm not worthy of love, I'm not worthy of anything, I'm not worthy of success. Just low self-worth in general, low, low confidence, believing that you don't actually deserve better. And that is the underlying belief and thought pattern you tell yourself as to why you're not going to make the effort or bother leaving this relationship or quitting this job. If you have that underlying belief, of course, you will make all of your decisions around that belief system. Whether you have awareness of it or not, you truly believe deep down, you know you're in a shitty relationship because you feel shit. But there is no motivation and no strength to leave because deep down you're like, well, who else would want me? Maybe this is what I deserve. And the longer you stay in that relationship, the lower your expectations get of what you deserve, the less you accept in terms of what you deserve. And it's this constant fucking vicious cycle of you beating yourself, beating yourself up and going further and further down. Because the more you tolerate at work in friendships, in romantic relationships, that's like re-redesigning your brain, reminding your brain, hey, look, we're still here, so it must mean that this is what's in store for us. This is our life now. Your brain's like, I don't feel good. Like, should we leave? Question mark, and you're like, here's all the reasons we should stay. And your brain's like, okay, I guess. But what about the reasons we should leave? And you go, mm-mm. That's scary out there. That's the unknown. We don't want to leave that comfort zone. Like, what about all the people we'll let down if we leave? And your brain goes, Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's stay in this shitty situation. Because the only person we're hurting is ourselves. So that can't be that bad, right? Handball that the fuck out of your brain, like ASAP. That's all like the fundamental underlying mindset things, right? And then obviously, from that mindset, you're creating those habits and routines. It's just easier to stay at this point. You know, there are genuine risks and concerns with um people that are caught in like financially abusive relationships, people that have children, a single parent, like domestic abuse. They're not the kind of situations I'm talking about. Like if it's safe to leave, you're just Amananarin and making excuses, that's like the kind of situations I'm talking about, right? Is it the fact that it's like I can't be bothered taking a risk? I can't be bothered even thinking about what it's like to be on my own. Because like, we're human beings, we're designed to like fucking survive. We are literally designed to survive. You will figure it out, you will be okay. So, like, why do we put up with what we're putting up with? I'm actually asking, because I don't know. No, I'm just kidding. Like, it's it's insane to me that we've let this go on for so long. So, let's establish that you've identified with all of those points. You've gone, oh yeah, it is fucking scary to leave. Oh yeah, I don't like things that are uncomfortable, and yeah, I have a pretty low self-worth, and yes, I'm a people pleaser. How do we fucking shift it? How do we go from acknowledging it and having awareness to actually choosing to leave or make the change? You have the utmost, highest responsibility for yourself. Remember, now that we've acknowledged people pleasing is a thing, I'm not going to talk about anyone else except for you. Your radical responsibility for your own choices, even if they're hard and uncomfortable, the choices, you have a responsibility to make them and then action. Take action on those responsibilities. Okay? And because we went so in depth with the mindset behind why we choose to stay, here's some ways that you can kind of flip that mindset. Okay, they're called reframes. It's all about changing how you think about something, how you change your view and map of the world. You actually have control over that. We just choose not to. And if for some of you that don't have a really big mindset skill, it's like a small opportunity when it comes up. When this thought comes up of, is there something better out there for me? I don't like how I'm being treated. This friend is shit. In that moment, you have responsibility and an opportunity to choose to think and do things differently. If we start, remember, there's you and your brain. Once your brain feeds all this information to you and you start pondering on your situation and you decide that it's bad and it's not good for you. How are you going to train your brain to think to make actions differently? So when that feeling of, oh, I just can't leave, I want you to tell yourself, I'm choosing not to leave. How would that feel? How would that genuinely feel for you if you were telling yourself, actually, if you can, you can leave, you're choosing to stay. And then you start to go, oh, fuck, yeah, that's embarrassing. Right? And again, this isn't about shame, this isn't about blame. There's small little changes in the way that you think about yourself and your opportunities and your actions. If the thought of like, I'm stuck comes up, you just haven't chosen to do something differently yet. Keyword, yet. Add yet onto every single one of your problems. It literally opens up so much optimism because you're going, oh, it means it's possible in the future. Right? I haven't left this relationship yet. I haven't left this shitty job yet. Or so far, depending on the context. So far. I don't know what it's like to live on my own yet. It's such a powerful small thing that you can add on to every sentence. And watch, watch your mind go, ooh, possibility. Who is she? Right? This is these small little reframes and adding words and like changing the way that you see your problems or challenges. This is building self-trust. This is building self-polief. Your confidence is growing and your positive brain is changing and improving every time you shift it, every time you choose to see something in a positive, optimistic outlook, every time you take risks, every time you step outside that comfort zone, every time you set a boundary and stick to it. You choose to believe in yourself, you choose to believe that it will all be okay because I believe that I will take care of myself. I've got this. It'll be fucking hard and it's risky, but you'll be fine, girl. You've got this. Keep those promises to yourself. You literally owe it to yourself and your happiness. As well as reframes and adding the word yet onto your sentences. I want you guys to think about like how are you actually putting yourself worth first? In if you reflect on every excuse you've ever said or any thought that comes up or any decision, and at any time you've decided to stay in the situation you're in. Like, how are you showing up for yourself? You're probably not, right? Because when you start teaching your brain that, yes, brain, thank you for giving me these um opportunities and different outlooks. You're right. I'm actually gonna think about that further instead of shutting that thought down. Because when you believe that you deserve more, when you start seeing things in a positive, optimistic mindset, more opportunities will show up for you. When you start believing that you deserve more, you will actually stop settling. Instead of you getting that bar getting lower and lower and lower, it's going higher and higher and higher. And you stop accepting so much bullshit. You start catching yourself more in the moment when you're making excuses. Instead of, oh, it's too hard, you go, oh, that's actually possible. Yeah, like maybe I could do that. And it's that habit over and over again for your brain. Choose courage over comfort. Like, growth is not about feeling comfortable. Growth is not about having all the answers. It's about finding them and doing what is like possible for you. Like get out there and fucking do it and try. Back yourself. And it doesn't mean that you're quitting overnight, right? It doesn't mean that you have to up and leave your job right now. It doesn't mean you're walking out the door tomorrow. It doesn't mean you're calling that friend right now and going, fuck you, I'm out. It's small steps. It starts with your mindset though. It starts with your mindset. So catching yourself when those thoughts come up, changing them, and start building up that self-belief. Start building up that tolerance for the bullshit in your life. Sorry, break down the tolerance for the bullshit in your life. We don't want a higher tolerance. We want it lower, so you decide to leave. Take those small risks, small steps towards change. It doesn't have to be dramatic overnight. We're not going cold turkey here. Okay, especially if it's you've been stuck in this situation for so long. It's realistic to think that it's not going to happen overnight. The first step is just believing that there is something different out there and that it is okay. Believing that yes, there's better out there for you because you deserve it, because you are worth it. A few little cues that you guys can pick up on if you consider like the situation that you've been pondering on, whether it's work, friendships, romantic, whatever. So if you are feeling like constant dread, you don't feel like yourself anymore, you resent the person or the workplace that you're in, you're tired all the time, just those thoughts that are constantly coming in, they're just overwhelmingly negative, they're really big signs. It's not realistic that you're happy every single day of your life, but you should be happy most days of your life. Do you dread going to work? And when you're at work, you fucking just hate the world, you resent it, you're crying, you're stressed, you're tired, it's bleeding into other aspects of your life, right? You're too tired to go to the gym, you don't have a social life because all you want to do on the weekend is sleep, right? Cues. Red fucking flags. Relationships, whether it's friendship or romantic, like are you leaving, catching up with that person feeling better or worse? Do you avoid hanging out with them? Are they constantly walking over your boundaries, right? Little things that I want you guys to start noticing that are actually red flags that your brain is going, oh, this not for us, you know? And if you do get to the point of starting to change your mindset and you're starting to make hard, challenging choices, self-compassion and patience for yourself is going to come in huge here. Because we're choosing not to be people pleasers anymore. That also means that we are choosing not to rely on anyone else to validate our decisions. I've done heaps of episodes around validation. So feel free to listen to those as well. But you are your biggest cheerleader. I want you to make sure that the driving force and celebration and self-compassion and motivation to all of your decisions comes from you, not someone else. And the self-compassion is also like, as just as much as I'm not shaming you or blaming you, it doesn't mean that you're weak for staying in these situations either. Like be compassionate towards yourself. It's fucking hard. Like, and I can say that because I've been in these choice, I've been in these situations. The worst thing you can do is start criticizing yourself. You dumb bitch, how long are you gonna put up with this? Right? This company doesn't fucking respect you. Why are we here? Right? Like, be compassionate. But that power and that self belief and confidence comes through so strong. When you choose what's better for you. You just have to do scary things sometimes. And when you do make those challenging actions or even changing your thoughts, as well as training your brain to rethink, we have to train our brain to celebrate small wins. You know, every time you say no to someone, yes, I love myself. Every time you're stepping away from chaos, yes, this is good for me. Your brain doesn't know the difference between like celebrating fucking coming first in an ultra marathon versus kicking something off your to-do list. It just knows that you're like proud of yourself and you're grateful. So celebrate small wins. Like, yes. It's okay that I had a day off work today because I need rest. I don't care who I let down or who needs me. I need a break today. And that's okay. Right? Celebrate when you do courageous things because it's teaching your brain that, hey, look, I'm trying. Remember that conversation we had last time, brain? Look at me listening to you. And your brain goes, Woo! You got it, girl. Here's some other reasons why you're in this mood. Here's some other reasons why you should leave. Do you want some more? Yes, you get a thought and you get a thought and a thought. Right. That's all it is. It's this cycle. Are you choosing the cycle of self-belief and courage and assertiveness? Or are you choosing the cycle of um telling yourself why you should stay? Choosing the cycle of misery. Which person do you want to be for yourself? In theme, staying is a choice. But change and leaving and taking action is also a choice. Choosing yourself is the biggest choice you can make and should be the first option. Any decision you make, you can say, is this serving me? Is this in the best interest of myself or someone else? So really think. And I'm sure you've already had heaps of images since listening to this, but what is one area of your life right now that is really not serving you and you've been thinking about leaving for fucking ages? Is it serving you? Is it is it helping you, babe? The moment you realize that you have a choice is the moment that you are deciding to take your power back. And that's how you should lead your life. I just want to leave you with those words of wisdom. God, it's so good having coffee before an episode. It's great. My energy is wild. But I hope you got so much out of that episode. There are absolutely heaps of themes and topics that I touched on in there that have their own separate episodes. So feel free to go through and browse some episodes if you haven't heard them already. Or with this new enthusiasm for making choice and not being a people pleaser. Go through and re-listen to some episodes. What's going to like re-spark those thoughts? Remember, we want to train our brain and remind our brain what we're worthy of, what we're capable of. So go back, feed your brain with all of that empowering information to make better choices. Because you have a choice. Oh, what a full-blown circle moment. Okay, I'm gonna stop talking, or this will keep going. Thank you so much for listening. I will see you for the next episode. If you want more from me, don't forget to follow my Instagram. It is all in the description below. And I'll see you next time.