Your Confidence Isn’t a Compromise

Babe, let’s get real for a sec- if he wanted to, he would.
In this episode of Woke Up Worthy, we’re unpacking what that really means when it comes to love, effort and standards. It’s time to stop explaining away the bare minimum and start remembering who the hell you are.

I’m sharing the honest truth about why we stay stuck hoping they’ll change, how to catch yourself making excuses for their lack of effort and what it looks like when you finally choose you instead.

Because the moment you stop waiting to be chosen? You become magnetic. Confident. Untouchable- so let’s talk about it!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

What's up, guys? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. I am your host, Jade. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. I have been a full household lately. I actually adopted another cat. So I now have three cats. I am not mad about it. Her name is Lulu. I actually went down to Pet Barn to buy cat biscuits for my already two existing house cats. And Pet Barn does this uh arrangement where they work with, I think it's Cathaven, the shelter, and they help them like adopt out all of their cats because they're at capacity a lot. So I literally walked in one evening to buy biscuits and I saw Lulu sitting in this little pet barn shop window. And I was like, Are you coming home with me? So random. So I am now not allowed to go to pet barn by myself. Um no, in all seriousness, my partner's of course totally on board. So we are very happy to have a third little kitty cat in our family. We, however, may need to upgrade our living situation because we live in an apartment and um running out of room in the bed, we're running out of room in the apartment, but that's fine. We have to upgrade to a king bed real soon. So I'm not mad about that either. Anyway, this week we're gonna talk about the ideology. If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to, he would. I know a lot of you have heard that. There seems to be uh, I'm I'm assuming like a 50-50 split on this saying. I am actually a very big believer in this ideology. If he wanted to, he would. And the reason that I want to talk about it today is I think because of the 50-50 split, some people are, in my opinion, making excuses as to why their partner or the person they're seeing may not be showing up for them, may not be doing the things that you have expressed that you need or just like coming to the plate. And I don't want us to get comfortable making excuses for that behavior. Like it's okay to have standards, it's okay for people to show up for you. And when they don't, we I don't want us to get comfortable filling that gap with excuses. I know we've said it to a friend. You know, if he wanted to, he would. I know we say it to a stranger at a party. If we wanted to, he would, right? We all say it. But what happens when we start making excuses for people's lack of effort? What happens when we start to make that the pattern? When people stop showing up for us, when people stop doing what they say they're gonna do, and we become very quick to make an excuse for their shitty behavior. This isn't about, I guess, criticizing your partner or criticizing the person that you're seeing. This is about possibly helping you recognize some signs or helping you recognize maybe when you're settling. Are you settling? And are you settling for the bare minimum? The bare minimum. And I'm gonna talk about my own personal experiences in relationships where I have experienced both, and the stark fucking difference and contrast between someone that just unapologetically shows up for you without even asking because they want to, because you deserve it, and someone that just does the complete opposite and what that looks like as well. So this episode is going to be about shifting from waiting to be chosen. This is really big because we we often talk about people-pleasing tendencies and how if we don't value ourselves and we don't have a lot of respect for ourselves, how that can come across in relationships, right? We start making excuses for shitty behavior, we start um losing sight of ourselves and our standards, and we keep lowering our standards and and settling for less and less because they make us feel like that's all that we deserve. So a couple of stark differences, but my current uh partner, love of my life, he is the definition of if he wanted to, he would. Now, one of the first times that I've experienced this with him is I was working in Midland in a gym. And for those of you who are not from Perth, Western Australia, it's just a suburb. A suburb in Perth. Now, he was living in Bustelton, which is about a three or four hour drive down south, down southwestern Australia. I was really unwell, but I was at work, as you do. I was like starting to get a cold, I was starting to feel a bit fluy. And, you know, I was just texting him during the day, letting him know how my day is going. And without being prompt, no prompt from me, this man drove from Bustleton, three hours away, probably more, drove from Bustleton to my work and had gone to the chemist along the way and had delivered me like Pandadol, Lemsip, Powerade, Gatorades, like the the whole works. Just to see me, had lunch with me on my lunch break, and then drove home. If he wanted to, he would. Now, obviously, that's a grand gesture, but a fucking gesture nonetheless, right? Now, little things like um when we were seeing each other, just there was absolutely no resistance or tension in terms of when he wanted to see me, he made it happen. No excuses, right? If he wanted to, he would. And the reason that I'm portraying this is if you're fighting for someone's attention, if you're fighting for someone's attention, you're you're fighting, you're wondering when they're gonna message you next or why haven't they called you back, or I'm waiting on them, and things like that. There's no other logical reason. And yes, uh, of course, they're at work. That's fine. We're not talking about the day-to-day stuff, right? I'm talking about like they have a free time, they have free time, they have nothing planned, and they are not racing to your door to see you. It's because they don't want to see you, right? But unfortunately, us as women, and I can say this because my other stark experience, I was this woman and I was this person that made excuses for it. And instead of the only logical answer being he's just not that into you, or he just, you're not his priority, right? We come up with every other possible reason as to why, why he's just not, you know, messaging you back, why you don't wake up to a text message, you know, why you have to follow him to all these places, but he's not actually inviting you. Do you know what I mean? Like, whereas the stark contrast to my experiences and now my partner is come meet my friends, like straight away, come meet my family. Um, I want to meet your friends. Like just the stark difference where you can tell and feel and understand the difference between someone is going out of their way to see you, to speak to you, to spend time with you, to be a part of your life and you be a part of theirs, versus you chasing that validation from someone, which is why I live by that sentence. If he wanted to, he would. Because think about yourself. What situations have you been in where you're like, I really want to do this, I'm gonna make it happen? Versus, I don't really want to do that, so I'm gonna lie or make an excuse or do anything but, right? So yeah, if he wanted to, he would. So stop making excuses as to why he's not showing off for you or why you feel like you're chasing his attention or their attention. Another example, and I've seen this actually as a trend on TikTok lately, and it does come back to if he wanted to, he would. People are timing, they get their timer out and they call someone, or they even voice note someone or text someone and say, hey babe, just checking in. I'm flat out at work. I'm so sorry I haven't replied. Um, I'll get back to you on my lunch break, or I'll get back to you as soon as I can, just to check in with that person because I wouldn't want my partner thinking that I'm ghosting them, or I'm thinking that you know I don't have time for them, or they're not on my mind. Like that is just respect and compassion and consideration. So many people are so inconsiderate. And this is the qualities that you want to look for in a partner. I would rather someone take two seconds out of their day to be like, hey, super swamped, thinking of you, not ignoring you, we'll touch base later. Because I guarantee the woman on the other side is like, why is he not texting me back? He hates me, blah, blah, blah. So a fucking good quality partner is like, I know she's probably stressed and I'm gonna put her mind at ease, right? And some of you, if if you're sitting here going, that's ridiculous, they shouldn't have to check in. Babes, this is what I'm talking about. This is us lowering the standard. That it's okay for you to have these feelings and like, why is he not checking in, right? Like, I'm stressed and I'm worried, blah, blah, blah. Like, it's okay to have a good quality partner or someone that you're dating that is considerate and goes, I'm gonna make two minutes somewhere, not even 10 seconds out of my day to just check in with her and like calm her and make sure that she's she knows she's on my mind. If he wanted to, he would. That's what I'm saying. We don't want to get in the habit of making excuses for poor communication. And this is something that I have always tried to stay really strong on. If you are the type of person who likes a quick reply, who wants to wake up to a morning message, or you're tired of playing those games where you go, oh, I don't want to be the first one to text, or um, I don't want to reply too quickly and seem too eager. Like, fuck that shit, man. Like, if you're someone that wants the quick replies, if you're someone that wants someone that checks in all the time, then stand by that's what you want. Don't make excuses in terms of like if they only message you every other couple of days. If you can see that they've been online on Instagram, but they haven't messaged you. They haven't watched your story. If you wanted to, we would. That's not your person. Don't make excuses. Because I know a lot of us will sit there and go, oh, like I can see that he's online, but maybe he was just really busy online, or maybe he was just quickly replying to someone. Yeah, but babe, if you wanted to, he would have messaged you. He, if you were on his mind, he the first thing he would have done is check your story. Right? Where how did we get to the point of making excuses for shitty behavior and poor communication? This is why I would prefer to live by the motto that if he wanted to, he would. If they wanted to, they would. Okay? Because it doesn't leave any room for shitty behavior. And that doesn't go without saying that I am obviously also considerate. Like, if I know you're in a fucking really important five-hour meeting, I'm not, I'm not like, well, why didn't you message me? Like, obviously, right? But if I know that they're available and you say you're interested in me, you're either messaging me or you're not. Because also, what is that grand old saying of actions speak louder than words? Actions speak louder than words. So, like, show me that you're into me. Show me that I'm your priority, show me that you care, right? I also want to remind you guys, again, on the topic of actions speak louder than words. If someone consistently shows you that they can't meet your needs, believe their actions, not the hope that you have of the person you want them to be or their potential. Believe their actions. And this also comes down to people that have like a start-stop relationship or a touch and go, like they'll have a really big fight, and she's ready to leave. And then the partner will say what they need to in the moment. Make all these promises, give her all this hope. I'm gonna change, I'm sorry for my behavior. But then they consistently show you the same behavior, yet we continue to stretch out that patience or that hope. At what point do you stop that? So if someone is consistent consistently showing you that they can't meet your needs, and if you're someone, like this is why it's really important to get to know yourself. This is why it's really important to do personal development. Because do you know what you want in a partner? Do you like someone that's like a bit distant? You don't like a lot of attention, that's fine. If you are someone that lacks a lot of validation, a lot of attention, emotional maturity, good communication, you know, if you know that you like those things, then that is your expectation of your partner. And if they're not like that, that's okay. We don't want to change people. They're just not your person. Because what you don't want to do in that moment is lower your standards to meet where they're at. You don't want to lower your standards to meet them where they're at. These are your standards. They either are just not that type of person, they don't want that type of relationship, so they're not your person. Rather than you going, I like them and I could possibly change them to meet me up here. For now, I'm going to accept this. That's not what we want to do. Now that does go, that does say that people do grow and people change. So the only thing that you should be patient for is this. Right? People are capable of growing and working on themselves. So that is the only change that you would wait for is them to meet your expectations and your growth if they are that person and they are your person. Right? But the more that we wait for change and hope, but they consistently show you the behaviors are the same. This happens. We have a fight, he's pissed me off. Oh, baby, I promise I'm gonna change. I'm sorry. No worries. I'm gonna hope that you're gonna change. Another fucking fight happens. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm gonna change. All right, I'm gonna wait for it to happen. Another fight happens, and you can see this pattern where you just keep lowering your standards the more that you wait for it to happen. Because what you're doing is you are constantly being shown that that is who they are to their core. And maybe they might change fucking 10 years from now. But of the last six months, where they've shown you consistent behavior and who they are, you need to believe their actions because actions speak louder than words. And that comes back to if he wanted to, he would. I want to touch on how we got here. Like, how did we start settling? How did we stowering our standards? And I guess it's how society taught us to make excuses. I really think it comes down to this the cool girl trope. I want to be seen as the cool girlfriend that doesn't care. I don't care that my boyfriend does that. Or I'm not, I don't care that my boyfriend doesn't message me back straight away. Fuck that. Be assertive. There is nothing wrong with being a confident person who is assertive and has such strong values and expectations of the partner that they deserve, key word deserve, that you should just know what you want and ask for it. And this is not about like demanding someone to change to fit your narrative or to fit your life. I'm a big believer that the right person will come along and you shouldn't have to hope that they change or hope that they will eventually fit the mold of what you need. They're either your person or they're not. We don't want to be low maintenance and never ask for too much. A confident person with a lot of worth will say, no, I've done the work. I've done the personal growth to get here. Like you're down here. I'm not gonna lower my standards to meet where you're at. Like, you either got to do a bit of work and work with me here, um, or you're just not my person. I'm not gonna lower my standards to suit your behavior. Okay. I think movies, I think we are dramatized or desensitized because of a lot of like rom-coms and romantic movies and drama where the female characters always chasing unavailable men, or they're chasing the player, and then they eventually, you know, have this realization and they turn out to be the good guy and realize that she was the one all along, you know, all that shit. How many movies do that? Where they are attracted to the unattainable guy who's just a player and a piece of shit, and he actually hurts her multiple times in the movie, and then at the end he has this big revelation. Oh my god, it was you all along. So we've grown up watching this, going, yeah, if I just hold out a little bit longer, he's gonna realize I'm gonna change his life. I'm gonna be the one that nearly got away. I honestly think we have grown up with that drilled into us. Like this false fucking hope. Now, speaking of false hope, if you are a parent to a child, it is more important than if you are not a parent. Because you are setting an example for your kids. They learn everything. Whether you think so or not. They learn everything. Subconsciously, they're picking up patterns that it's okay to stay with someone that treats you like shit. It's okay to stay with someone that argues with you, it's okay to have multiple partners in and out who just fucking devastate you every time. Do you know what I mean? You are teaching them to settle for less. And the heartbreak of giving up on someone and losing hope and going, okay, they're just not my person, and then being single for a little bit. Yes, that sucks and it's gonna hurt. But it also is teaching your kids that pattern, the hurt of going through that continuously and the damage long term that will do, not only for your kid, but for yourself. Because of that pattern I said, every time you do that, you are lowering and lowering that bar for yourself. And then you just keep accepting less and less. Because you're teaching yourself, cool, like this is like the fifth time we've let this person come back. Of course, I'm gonna accept their behavior now because now I'm the one that's allowing it to happen. I don't want us to condition ourselves to have false hope. And we're humans, I get it. There's a difference between someone being compassionate and patient, but that requires seeing change. That requires paying attention to behaviors. Are they improving their behaviors? Are they changing? Are they staying true to their word? Have they apologized and then behaved differently? Or they keep apologizing but doing the same things? Very different. We can have hope and patience for people that are improving, people that are doing the right thing and getting better and growth, self-growth. Okay, we don't want to have hope for people that just keep fucking kicking you down and telling you what you want to hear in the moment because that's getting you nowhere. It's a problem because it keeps us keeps us waiting, keeps us explaining. It reinforces your ability to make excuses. It's almost like you're you're coming up with a story in your own mind every time he lets you down. Every time he disappoints you or goes against his word, you have to think of another reason to continue that hope. What else can I tell myself to make me feel like it's okay to wait it out a little bit longer? What are you waiting for? How many times are you going to allow them to show you their same behavior before you go, okay, like this is not really changing and this is not what I want. So what are we doing about it? When we talk about um making sure that you know yourself and what your standards are, it really comes back down to values and compatibility. And I did do a whole episode on this, and it's so fucking important values in a relationship. Values for you personally and values for you and your partner, like the dynamic, okay? I think it's really important to agree on the big things like values. You can work on communication, like bare minimum things that you should have is like. Effort. Effort. Desire to want to grow together. Communication needs to be tip top and respect. Everything I just listed is not a desired extra or a bonus that you can have in your relationships. It's the bare fucking minimum of a functioning relationship. It's the bare fucking minimum of a partner that you deserve. Respect, good communication, honesty, love, compassion, right? And good communication. Like that's that's bare minimum. And if you are fighting every day, or more often than not, if you are fighting to get the those bare minimums, that is not a relationship you want. Now, granted, communication might be one that you work on because everyone communicates differently, and not everyone has great communication skills. It is a skill that you can improve. But respect, effort, love, compassion, respect's a big one. If you are fighting currently with your partner or someone you're dating to get that as a bare minimum, I can be patient with someone who's improving their communication. But I will not be patient for someone that doesn't respect me. Like that's a bare minimum, not even of my partner, but a human fucking being. Right? You wouldn't put up with a friend who disrespects you. So why are you putting up with it in your relationship? You wouldn't put up with it in a workplace if your boss disrespected you constantly. So why do we put up with it in our romantic relationships? If you don't have similar values or all of your values are in conflict, it doesn't matter how much you guys fit or how much chemist chemistry or potential you have, that won't fix anything. But I love him so much. Love, unfortunately, is not the be all and end all because you can love multiple people and you probably will love more people. Right? I know that might sound harsh in the moment, but if your values don't align, you are going to struggle for the remainder of your relationship. Because they are the core of what makes you you and how you see the map of the world. So if that is in like misalignment with your partner who you're trying to start a life with, you don't want to start a life with someone that doesn't see the world that you do. Your values are misaligned, right? I want to talk about your responsibility that you have to yourself. The only person that you have control over that is responsible for your life and how you feel is you. So what you allow into your life and what you allow to continuously happen is up to you. No one can do anything about it except for you. What is your self-worth and what is your emotional responsibility to yourself? I acknowledge that some people are afraid to walk away. I acknowledge that some people are very emotionally tied to their current person. And I understand it's hard walking away from current feelings. I understand. Been there multiple times, okay? But we've just talked about the more you stay, the more you put up with, you're lowering your standards every single time. You are lowering the bar and allowing more disrespect to come in, more shitty excuses, more shitty behavior, okay? And it's that constant low self-worth cycle. And then the lower that bar gets, and I know a lot of you listening are probably already in this situation or you've come out of it, right? The longer you stay, the lower that bar gets. Then what happens is it's so low that that becomes your normal. So every time they feed you with the smallest positive change or the smallest bit of effort, you become desperate and hopeful for a glimpse of this person that you want them to be, or you're desperate for love, you're desperate for respect, you're desperate for attention because they've lowered that bar so much. So when they trickle it in a little tiny bit to keep you going, to keep you on the hook, you go, oh, I knew he was a good person. Like, see, this is what I've been waiting for. Like I knew I believed in you. But what you don't realize is you're down here. You were up here. You're down here. And the feeling that you are getting is not what you hoped for up here. It's little trickles of the bare minimum. You don't think it's the bare minimum, you think it's the fucking grand gesture they've changed. Oh my God, I knew they were capable of being this person. Okay, I'll stay. Because they drip feed you shit, which is the bare minimum when you are at your lowest. And you think because you've conditioned yourself, you've conditioned yourself to receive the bare minimum. And you're now grateful for a little bit of effort. Imagine being at a point in your life, in your relationship, where you are grateful when you receive respect. Imagine feeling grateful that they texted you back finally. That's damaging, guys. And if any of you are listening and you go, shit, think I'm there. I just want to be real with you that I've been there. I was in a relationship like that. My first one, I was 13 years old up until I was 16. Very damaging. I've been there. And then I had it again at the end of high school for like a year. I don't even remember how much. But been there, done that multiple times. So I can say this from experience, and I can now say it from the other side, where I have a partner who, without me even asking, I wake up in the morning and I have coffee and my favorite breakfast avocado on toast on my bedside table ready for me when I wake up. I go to my brow appointment and he's delivered a dozen roses to my brow lady's house. Just cause, just on a Wednesday. And it's not about spending the money, it's the thoughtfulness. It's I want her to be happy, I want to spoil her. It's walking past him with no pants on while he's playing Call of Duty, and he stops and grabs me. Right? It's it that's what I deserve. And that's what everyone deserves is that much love and respect and quality of a man. People say to me, Jade, you're so lucky. I it's not luck, guys. I didn't just pull him out of a hat in a magic trick. I worked on myself to attract someone like this because I value myself and I'm confident. I have been a less confident version of myself and and valued myself way lower, hence why I was in relationships. I attracted people that treated me like shit because that's what I thought I deserved. Right? And once you get out of those relationships and you work on building yourself back up, let's build back your armor. Let's build back that warrior suit of I, this is what I deserve. This is how I feel about myself. I feel confident. Every time a piece of shit, man approaches, like it ricochets off you. Nope, sorry. Not what I need. You can't sit with me, right? You become this more confident person with that armor around you because you're like, not gonna settle for that bullshit. And you smell the red flags a lot earlier. But you have to firstly walk away from the shit, separate yourself. And my biggest advice is spend time by yourself for a really long time. Do the work, go to personal development seminars, get a fucking coach, go to therapy. Because jumping back into a relationship when you already have low self-worth, like they're not gonna fix it for you. You can't sit there and wait for a better person to come along. A new partner is not the answer to your self-worth and low confidence. You are responsible for making it better. So stop quickly jumping into relationships in the hope that they're gonna be better next time because you're attracting people that are feeding into your insecurities because you don't know how to pep yourself up. You don't know how to validate yourself, you don't look in the mirror and feel confident. So you keep looking for someone to validate that for you. So unless you do the work to feel better yourself and then attracting higher quality partners because you see yourself as more valuable, you're just gonna continue this pattern of people validating this low bar for yourself. Owning your standards does not make you demanding. It makes you respect yourself and feel worthy of what you know you fucking deserve. And what you deserve is not down here, not low standards, not the bare minimum. That's not what you deserve. You deserve to feel fucking worthy every day. And it's a bonus when your partner makes you feel like that. But you need to feel that for yourself first. I want to remind you guys that it's not asking for too much. You're just asking the wrong person as well. If you feel like you're too much, or I don't know how to communicate what I need, or I don't want to tell him that that made me feel that way. You're just talking to the wrong person. Because even in my fucking 10 out of 10 relationship now, we're still vulnerable with each other. Fuck, there's moments where I might feel a little jealous, and I'll just tell him that. And he is like, what can I do to reassure you in this moment right now? Versus criticizing me for, you know, oh, why don't you trust me and blah, blah, blah? Like emotionally immature that I've had before. Okay. So you're not asking for too much. It's just respecting yourself, building yourself up. I want you to rebuild your idea of what a good partner is. Because remember, if you've gotten to the bottom of that low standard and they're feeding you bare minimum, you think that that is a high standard because you don't see it very often, you don't feel it very often, so it becomes um rare. So then you go, oh, that must be a great quality. Like he's such a good man because once this week he didn't yell at me. Right? Clear communication, emotional availability, consistent action, key word, consistent action. Action after you've had a fight just because they're telling you what you want to hear is not consistent action. Okay, what are your standards and what do you expect to change? My cat's pulling on my legs. Stop it. What do you expect to change? And are they meeting that need? Yes or no? Learn to validate yourself instead of waiting for them to do it. And here's a more empowering thing to listen to. I know the title of this episode is If he wanted to, he would. But if he doesn't, I will. Say that to yourself. If he doesn't, I will. If he's not going to respect you, it means you need to respect yourself. And that means leaving. Well, that means no longer seeing this person. Moving on. That means maybe I should be single for a while and work on myself. Do some personal development. I've realized my last three partners aren't making me feel good. Maybe I should make myself feel good. So have a think. Where are you currently accepting the bare minimum? What are you afraid will happen if you stop making excuses? Stop making excuses. Stop waiting. Stop hoping. What will happen? What's the worst thing that will happen? Right? And what's it gonna look like if you choose yourself? I'll leave you guys with some wisdom. Remember, you can't force effort, you can't inspire consistency. You can only choose how long you're gonna stay where your needs are not being met. So, how long are you gonna put up with things that are not for you? Stop waiting to be someone's priority and start being your own. Remember, you are the only person in your life who is responsible for how your life turns out. So stop waiting for someone to choose you and choose yourself. Is this serving you or not? Very simple fucking question. No. You know, you know what to do. You know the answer. If he wanted to, he would. But if he doesn't, you will. Back yourself. Okay? Start putting yourself first. All right. I'm gonna leave it there. That was that was empowering. Felt like I was talking to my younger self who's been in those shitty relationships. I obviously have friends in those relationships. Um I'm probably, as you're listening to this, you probably are thinking of someone in your in your life, maybe, that's going through this if it's not you. It might be your best friend, right? So have a chat with them. Send them this episode and go, bitch, you need to listen to this. It's like she's speaking to you. Right? I know who I'm gonna send this to. I hope you guys got some free little empowering goodies from there. If you would like to get some more value from me, let's have a chit chat. Jump in the description. All of my links are there, including my Instagram and my free Facebook page for some for some Gauda Gal empowerment. But thank you so much for tuning in this week. I will see you guys next time. Bye!