How to stop pretending you're fine

In this episode, we unpack the power of vulnerability and why being open can actually be one of the strongest things you do. 

We covering:

✨Why so many people are afraid to be vulnerable 

✨Where those fears come from 

✨What we think might happen when we let our guard down. 

You’ll also hear about the lessons, growth and deeper connections that come from allowing yourself to be seen for who you truly are.

If you’ve ever struggled with opening up, feared judgment or felt like you needed to hide parts of yourself, this conversation will help you reframe vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness.

- - - - -

Follow me & connect!
instagram.com/jaydedelpupcoaching

Join the Gal's in the Facebook group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/634737754099311

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Wake Up Worthy, the podcast that feels like the friend who hyped you up and tells you the truth. I'm your host, Jay, and this is your one-stop shop for confidence, empowerment, relationships, and all things us gals are secretly overthinking at 2am. So grab your coffee, girl, get comfy, and let's yap our way into the most confident worthy version of you. Because, babe, you didn't just wake up. You woke up worthy. What's up everyone? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. So excited to be back on track. Here we are, second episode of the year. How has everyone's week been? I actually had a fantastic week last week. It was actually my birthday. Um, little old me turned 33. I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but if the shoe fits, turned 33. I got absolutely spoilt by my loved ones. And this year I just wanted to chill. Like I don't have anything planned. All I wanted to do, which I got to do, my partner took me, um, was go to get chunky, which is like a cookie place. We went to get chunky and I got some cookie and ice cream. And my partner brought two candles, like two number three candles, and I put them in the cookies and we lit it in the store. Um, and sung happy birthday, which was so cute. And I was like, that's perfect, that's all I need. Um, he also he also filled my entire car with balloons, and I got in and I was like panicking because I hate balloons and they're scary when they pop. So I don't know, like the thought it's the thought that counts. And I was like, holy shit, I had to put like my noise cancelling loop, like airpod things in because I was like so scared they were gonna pop. But it was so cute, like such a nice gesture for my birthday, and it was like so exciting. And last week as well, far out, talk about a good week. I went to the Kesha concert with my best friend. My God, when I tell you that my millennial soul was on fire, like what a throwback. And I'd obviously been following her story or like what happened to her and everything since like she last released music, which was years ago. And obviously, she was an absolute banger back in the day. Like, she is obviously like my high school, straight out of high school, like vibes. But we were obsessed with her. And she was just so amazing, she had such good songs, and then they just completely stopped. But for anyone that doesn't know um the record label that she was attached to, she was actually very sadly being abused, and she tried to leave, and they're like, nope, you have a contract. In like a really short summary. She was they were like, no, you're in contract. You can't break contract, you have to stay with them. And obviously, if you're in contract, you can't make music with anyone else. Um, but she also didn't want to make music with these people. Like, fucking oath, rightfully so. She's like, fine, I'm just not gonna produce any music for you then. Oh good. Which unfortunately meant that she didn't own, also didn't own the rights to her music that she had at the time, which she actually wrote all the songs by herself. So at this concert, she's obviously touring again, because she's free, she's out of contract, completely out of contract, and she started her own record label and she reproduced all of her old songs so like um she could make royalties from them and she owned them again. I was a very emotional being there, as I'm sure the whole audience was. Just like it's almost like a proud mum moment. Like we were watching her do her thing on stage, and she just kept um talking in between the songs, and she had these really beauti beautiful messages, and we were all just so proud and happy for her that she was like free and able to own the rights to her own fucking voice again. That was just such a special night to be part of. Um, then I sent her this really long message that night. You know how celebrities, they just obviously never are gonna see your messages. But what did happen at the Keshaw concert is she had a standing ovation and applause and clap and cheer for I reckon good four minutes straight. And I'm not exaggerating because I have the whole thing on video. It's time stamped on my phone. Uh, but we were just like cheering for her after a song, and then it didn't stop. Didn't stop, we just kept going, and then she was like crying on stage. Oh, I'm getting emotional thinking about it. Such a sook. But I was so proud of her. Like, I have tears in my eyes if you could see the video anywhere. Um, but yeah, we're all just so proud of her. It's like all the millennials that she grew up with as teens are now full adults, and we're like, yes, Queen, like we've got you. Take my money. I bought merch, got a ticket, I'm like playing her fucking new album and shit on repeat on Spotify. You get that bad, Queen. Oh my god, so proud. So um, going with your best friend to concerts like that, by the way. We've also got tickets to Hillary Duff, of course. There's just something about girlhood. Something about girlhood that just tickles my soul. Some of my memories with my best friend is like the happiest times of my life. I'm so emotional today. I'm also gonna cry about that. What is going on? Maybe I'm it's that time of the month, guys, or maybe I'm just really grateful. Fucking hell. Someone get a tissue. That's not where I thought this episode was going, but here we are. So the moral of the story is if you've got a bestie, do shit with them. Make memories, make core mems. Anyway. So, thanks for listening to my TED Talk. In today's episode, I actually want to talk about the power of vulnerability. One of my older episodes on vulnerability is actually one of the most downloaded. And I think there's something about the word or the feeling or that sense of kind of giving it all up and feeling exposed. And people like hesitant to go there, right? They're like, oh, I'm not gonna be vulnerable. I think like it's either you enjoy being vulnerable and you're really good at it, or you've you've never done it, you're hesitant, you back away. There's like two stark contrasts there. And I think like confidence isn't always gonna be portrayed as having your shit together. That's not what confidence is. Confidence is not a resemblance of how well put together your life is. We know that confidence is a mindset, right? I guess there's some truth in the fact that some of the most powerful growth in my life has come from the moments that I've allowed myself to be vulnerable. We know that, like I said last week, nothing will change if you just keep doing the same shit. And growth comes from outside your comfort zone. So you have to be willing to do the uncomfortable things, the scary things, taking risks in order to grow and to see new opportunities and be exposed to new opportunities, new people, new conversations, whatever it is. Because if we're staying inside what makes us comfortable, then there's no growth. It's important to say that being vulnerable isn't a weakness, does not mean you're weak. Vulnerability is more about being honest with yourself and others. Keyword yourself, though, for sure. So I'm gonna take you through a few I can't speak this morning. I'm gonna take you through a few things today in the episode. Okay, we're gonna cover possibly why vulnerable feels so scary for you, where we've possibly picked up these patterns and who's taught us that, you know, it's it's good to hide parts of ourselves, what happens when we finally let our guard down, and why vulnerability is actually one of the strongest things that you can do, especially for your confidence and your growth. Okay. Some of the biggest breakthroughs in my confidence definitely didn't happen when I pretended to have it together. Um, that's like like showing up in the world every day as someone that you're not does nothing for you, trust me. Spent most of my life like that. Um, where the shift started to happen is when I allowed myself to be seen for who I truly am. Okay. And it takes a lot of vulnerability and courage and confidence to do that. So, why are people afraid of vulnerability? I think a lot of people associate being vulnerable as like a loss of control. If I'm too vulnerable or I say the wrong thing or I behave the wrong way, um, put myself out there, then you know, I'm being left wide open to be judged, be rejected. I look weak. I I may be misunderstood. If I put myself out there, I'll be hurt again. And obviously, a lot of validation can be tied in this as well, right? Am I gonna lose people's approval if I show them who I really am or if I show up vulnerable? Okay. And this is definitely prevalent for women. Vulnerability is confusing because society gives us mixed messages. On one hand, we have, you know, be open, emotional, expressive, like be who you are, which is obviously what we want to do. That's what, that's what we're aiming for. That's what I want the confidence, that's what I want to give you guys the confidence to do. But then we have society and people labeling us for women as don't, you're too emotional, you're too needy, you're too sensitive. So obviously, when we hear things like that, you know, that probably triggers our already there belief systems of oh, yeah, I'm too, I'm too much, I'm too needy, too sensitive. And then we get back in our box, get back in our box, and we retreat. And it's like, fuck, well, look what happened last time I was vulnerable. I was labeled as too sensitive or too needy. And in order to adapt in a world that criticizes us for that, we learn to edit ourselves. We learn to change, we learn to adapt, we learn to fit a certain mold anywhere that we are, right? Especially when people have been hurt in the past, your brain actually learns to protect you. It's building that emotional armor for you. Okay, so much like the fight or flight response in your brain, like if a if a leopard is running towards you, it's not gonna go, oh yeah, cool, like I know how to handle this. I've got this, I'm gonna win this. It goes, fuck, I'm terrified. Run away, protect yourself, stay safe. And then again, if your brain sees a leopard the next day, or a tiger or a lion, it's it's gonna relate to how it felt the first time, like a warning sign. Like, remember last time you saw this or you were in this situation, it was scary, and we need to be safe. Exactly the same thing in unfortunately everyday life as an adult in relationships, at work, whatever it is, right? That's why being vulnerable can sometimes be so scary and so uncomfortable because you're you're naturally going against what your brain's trying to protect you from. And bless our brains, little socks. The that doesn't understand the difference between fear, like running from a lion to save our life, versus having a confident conversation to set a boundary or to, you know, be vulnerable and be honest with people and approach someone about cheating on them and it bless it's little socks. It doesn't know the difference. It just goes, oh my god, that's scary. I need to protect myself from any judgment, criticism, rejection, things like that. The problem is that the armor doesn't just block the pain for you, right? That's one thing that the brain is meant to do, block pain. But it also blocks connection. Okay, so it's actually holding you back from potential if you allow it to. Now, the brain, although it's designed to protect us, is very fucking smart in terms of its abilities to regenerate new neural pathways, new belief systems, new emotions, right? And all you have to do is take control of it and purposely retrain your brain. Okay. And it starts with doing the first thing that's uncomfortable, doing the first thing that feels scary. Okay, especially in business, right? How many people have thought about doing a business, but they're terrified? They're like, well, you know, what if people laugh at me? What if people don't take me seriously? What if I fail? Blah, blah, blah. And then never try. Never try. Or they do it once, they fail, they're like, oh my God, I'm a failure. I'm never doing that again, right? But the difference is doing it anyway, like feeling the fear and doing it anyway. That's teaching your brain that, oh, okay, I'm learning something. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Awesome. What can I take from this and use it for the next attempt, right? It's the same as relationships. Imagine if we we had a partner and they cheated on us. And because they cheated on us and we felt hurt, we felt criticized, we felt judged, whatever you felt in the moment, we never dated again. And we died single and alone for our whole life because of that one pain point, that one hurt, right? So don't allow it to hold you back from connection and possibilities. What I really want to dive into is, you know, who taught us to hide ourselves? Who told us to get back in that box? Where do these patterns come from? And this is where we explore what we call conditioning. Okay. So some commonplaces that we actually pick up on this is childhood. Possibly emotions weren't welcomed in your house. You know, that horrible saying of like children are meant to be seen and not heard. You know, you were told stop crying all the time or you're being dramatic. We have to give our parents credit. Right. At the time, like things like this, I'm assuming, weren't really talked about back in the day. And re-remember that patterns are generational. So however they were raised from their parents, they're now raising us. And if we don't make the change or interrupt the pattern, we then carry those ideologies and those patterns and those lessons and belief systems onto our children and it just becomes a generational thing. Okay. Anyway, where else? Maybe in school? Social dynamics. How many of you were bullied in school and it fucked up your confidence? How many of you were bullied because you, you know, tried to say something or tried to fit in and you were absolutely hammered and made fun of? So you just retreat back into your shell. Definitely, this is a big one. Past relationships. How many of us have experienced people holding stuff against us in relationships, holding your words against you? They've used your honesty against you, or they've broken your trust. We carry those patterns. Our brain goes, our brain, in whatever moment you're, you're list you're hearing me list off, and you go, yeah, it was childhood, yeah, it was school, yeah, it was in a relationship. Your brain takes that scenario and goes, cool, every time I speak my mind, I'm criticized, rejected, abused. Let's not do that again. It's a pattern that it's teaching itself. The other one's social media, especially nowadays. Thank fuck when I was in high school, social media was like only just becoming a thing. Like Facebook. Instagram wasn't a thing until much later that um we were using MySpace. MySpace. And then Facebook started when I was in high school. And it was so old that we were like, like, sorry, so new at the time. Social media was not a thing. It was so new to us that we were like, oh, Facebook's for old people. Like we literally thought only our parents were using Facebook. That's how fucking foreign it was to us. But I can't imagine being an adolescent or a teen in today's society where you're bullied in school. I was bullied in school, but then I would go home and I was safe. I can't imagine being bullied in school and then continuously being bullied when you get home because it's online. And the relentless bullying online because there's no consequence. Half the people that say shit online would not say that to people's faces because there would be more of a consequence, more of a reaction, more of an opportunity for the other person to defend themselves. It's just fucking awful. And thank God Australia implemented the 16-year-old rule with social media. Otherwise, yeah, it's gone down a really messy path. Anyway, little sidetracked there, but this all of those things lead to new beliefs. Any of those scenarios that you've been placed in where you tried to be vulnerable and it backfires leads to your brain developing these beliefs along the way. Like if people see if people see the real me, they won't like me. If I really say how I'm feeling, people will criticize it and judge me, reject me, leave me. I want to give you guys lessons that you can actually take from being vulnerable. So we've understood like how it happens, why it happens, what we're afraid of. But now let's start moving into that space of why it's good for you, what you can take away from it if you take that first leap. Okay. Because vulnerability is going to show you who your safe people are. There's no better way to do an audit on the people around you. Am I hanging out with the right friends? Do I have the right um uh partner? Is by being vulnerable with them. And if they completely judge you, criticize you, reject you, make fun of you, gotta go. See you later. That's a whole other episode. But it's a really good learning point. These are lessons from being vulnerable. Okay, so auditing your friend circle, it will build deeper relationships for you. Definitely in my personal relationships, we've just been getting more and more vulnerable in the last year. And it takes your trust in people to a whole nother level when you're not only being vulnerable and they reciprocate it, but if you can hold space for someone that is being vulnerable with you, your connection, your trust, everything just is so much more stronger and powerful. Um, which is why I really encourage you to just like head first into it because it really does have so many benefits to being vulnerable. And it's going to help you process your emotions instead of suppressing them. So being vulnerable obviously gives you the opportunity to constantly say what's on your mind and constantly be in alignment and in tune with it rather than constantly having this fear of I really feel deeply about this or this has triggered me or this has crossed my boundary or whatever it is, but I can't say anything in fear of being judged, in fear of being rejected, right? And in that, it'll teach you self-acceptance, being vulnerable with yourself and winning those little battles within yourself and growing more comfortable saying what's on your mind and putting yourself out there. That is growing your confidence every time you're doing that as well. Okay. And the biggest lesson is that what you fear the most probably hasn't happened or won't happen, right? It's all in our head. Yes, it may be both based on one scenario that possibly has happened, but it's not like a rule of life where just because it's happened, one just gonna happen continuously. What it's actually gonna do the opposite of is is build the empathy for you, how to be more of a compassionate person, an empathetic person, that connection and understanding not only other people but yourself as well. Okay. And definitely for me, the the more I allowed myself to be honest about what I was going through, the more I realized I wasn't alone. And that's how people connect over like a shared, not shared trauma, but you know, shared experiences. And that's that's what deep friendship is. That's what deep relationships are. It's like, hey, you get me, or hey, I feel like I belong. I feel like this person understands me. And there's so much strength in that. The strength in being vulnerable, like I want you guys to reframe your thoughts about it. So instead of going, oh, vulnerability's bad, vulnerability is not doing much for me. It's it's only gonna make me worse. I want you to reframe it as like a power. Like it's it's such a good thing to be vulnerable. There's strength in being vulnerable. Okay. And remind yourself that the true confidence isn't pretending that you have no struggles. A very confident person can be having a hard time. They're not connected, right? Your true confidence is saying, I'm human, like I'm gonna have these emotions, I'm gonna have these thoughts, I'm gonna ask for these boundaries, but that doesn't make me any less worthy. Like I'm still worthy and I'm human. And being vulnerable requires courage because you're choosing honesty over protection, right? You're choosing to step outside that box and take off all the armor and be exposed and go, this is me, versus, oh, I'm safe in my armor in my box. Okay. It it requires that courage, it requires that first step to put yourself first. And the difference between performing who you think people want, like are you molding yourself to adapt your environment and people around you in fear of being jobbed, judged, or are you actually stepping out into the world with as who you actually are? Because when you're comfortable with vulnerability, you will actually have stronger boundaries and stronger self-awareness and eventually stronger emotional management, emotional awareness, and communication. Because the more often that you're vulnerable, it feels less scary every time. And then eventually that's not even a word in your vocabulary because you're like, oh, I don't feel vulnerable. I feel good, I feel strong, I feel assertive, I feel confident. And this is all building on. Your growth. So we can talk about the growth that comes from vulnerability. Being vulnerable is going to lead to those deeper relationships, that stronger confidence. And freedom from pretending. The the exhaustion mentally of trying to like adapt to how people behave around you, how they speak, even what their like likes and dislikes are. Like you're pretending to enjoy things just so you feel like you can fit in and you're you're trying to make sense of yourself, especially if you're younger, like in your 20s, and sometimes even people in their 30s, but mostly in their 20s, um, that's when you're you're finding yourself, right? Who am I in this world? Who, what's my personality? What's my identity? Where do I fit into this? And you want to truly understand who you are before you try and fit in. Otherwise, you're trying to make sense of yourself by testing who likes what. Like, oh, if I say it this way, am I liked? Cool, I'll be that person. Or if I behave this way, or that that got more positivity, I'll behave that way then, rather than just being yourself. Okay, because you don't want to, you don't want to try and understand yourself based on other people's validation either. We touched on how vulnerability obviously allows you to process your emotions better, better understanding of them, better management of them. And obviously the opposite of that is bottling them up, right? And suppressed emotions don't disappear. They will continue to build and show up later as anxiety, burnout, resentment, disconnection, right? Sometimes depression, because we have no outlet for it. Because we're not we're not safe being vulnerable, we're not safe talking about it. So we just let it sit in our head and it spirals and spirals and spirals and gets heavier and heavier. And vulnerability can, for a lot of you, be the first step toward healing. So take take the leap. And for you guys to understand that there's a difference between being vulnerable and oversharing. Like me, I'm an oversharer. But I'm comfortable being an oversharer because I don't care what people think. Um, but for some of you that are just like, how do I dip my toe into being vulnerable? Vulnerability doesn't mean that you're telling everyone everything all at once. It just means sharing your truth with safe people in safe spaces. And what do you feel like you need to say that day? It doesn't even require a backstory. Find someone that you feel safe with and be vulnerable. And then in saying that, there's a difference between safe people and unsafe people. Part of being vulnerable is learning who deserves access to your honesty. And not everyone does deserve that, and not everyone will earn it. And this is important to note because if you do finally have that courage and you take that step and you're like, I'm gonna be vulnerable, and someone throws it back in your face, that's not an indication of I shouldn't have been vulnerable step back. That's an indication and a lesson to go, that's not the right person. One, to be vulnerable with, but two, to have in my life, right? So be mindful of that as well, especially vulnerability in your relationships, like friendships, romantic relationships, workplace, whatever it is. Healthy relationships do require emotional honesty. Without that vulnerability, relationships will stay surface level. Like I talked about before. It opens the box on so much more opportunity to people once you're vulnerable together. Okay. And more importantly, be vulnerable with yourself, right? Sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is actually yourself. And it takes a lot of courage and a lot of vulnerability to admit things like, I'm I'm actually not happy here, not happy in this relationship. I actually deserve better. I'm actually really struggling mentally, I need some help, right? And often those simple acknowledgements with yourself, whether you're saying it to yourself and acknowledging it or you're saying it to someone, is always the beginning of change. It doesn't have to happen straight away, but it's always the first sign and first step in the right direction to changing something. So as we wrap up, I want to leave you with this. So vulnerability isn't about being weak or fragile. It's about being brave enough to show up as your real self, even when that feels uncomfortable. And I want you guys to reflect. Always leave you guys with some little thinkers and some questions. So, where in your life are you currently holding back because you're afraid of being seen? In the workplace, your relationship, friendships. Just remember that the right people aren't going to reject your vulnerability. They'll respect it. And that is all, my loves. I will see you guys next week. Okay, gorgeous. That's a wrap on today's episode of Woke Up Worthy. If this spoke to you, don't forget to follow the pod, hit that bell, and drop a five-star review so more gals can find this space too. If you're needing some extra support, confidence tools, and maybe some behind the scenes goodies. Tap the link in the description to connect with me and join the community. Until next time, babe, don't forget to choose yourself, back yourself, and more importantly, remember you woke up worthy.