Finding yourself again

Have you ever felt like you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way? 

In this episode, we’re talking about identity; who you are beneath expectations, roles and other people’s opinions. 

We dive into:

-What shapes your identity

-The things that can slowly take it away (hello people-pleasing and comparison)

-How reconnecting with your values can help you step back into your most confident and authentic self. 

Because the more you know yourself, the more aligned your life becomes.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Wake Up Worthy, the podcast that feels like the friend who hyped you up and tells you the truth. I'm your host, Jay, and this is your one-stop shop for confidence, empowerment, relationships, and all things us gals are secretly overthinking at 2am. So grab your coffee, girl, get comfy, and let's yap our way into the most confident worthy version of you. Because, babe, you didn't just wake up. You woke up worthy. What's up, my little love buckets? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. I am excited for today's episode. It's something that I've actually been speaking to a couple of people about this week. You know when the universe just starts showing you signs that people are struggling. People need some help. And this is a topic that's come up quite a bit this week. And it has to do with your identity. Who are you? Who the fuck are you, really? What's going on in that little brain of ours? How do we make sense of the world? How do we show up in the world if we don't know who we are? And how do we make sense of it all, right? I guess if you've ever kind of stopped yourself and asked, who am I? Have you ever doubted who you are? Have you felt lost along the way? Right? You're trying to navigate your way through life. And unless you are truly aligned and have clarity on who you are, life feels a little bit more challenging. And there's a difference between knowing who you are and feeling aligned with your identity versus going about life as who you think people want you to be or who people expect you to be. And identity is it's not about the roles that you play, right? You're not a daughter, or you're not a mother, or you're not an employee, you're not a friend. It's who you are to your core. Because we all know if those hats or those identities are taken away from us, um, then we lose sight of ourselves and our lives. You know, we often hear about motherhood. They lose their identity because they feel like who they are as a person is just a mother. And they're like, well, who am I outside of this box that people put me in? Right. And I know for some of you, you're like, I love that my whole identity is being a mother. And good for you guys. But in general, you know, identity comes from who you are as a person, as your core, right? Your values, your personality, your belief systems, right? How do you show up in the world as you? Knowing your identity and who you are, it's the foundation for you to make decisions, build relationships, set those boundaries, go for your goals. And ultimately just how you show up and how you live your life. When you know who you are, it feels more aligned and intentional, right? You're living life on purpose rather than practicing, morphing yourself to fit in certain places, right? And when you don't have clarity on who you are and you don't feel aligned with your identity, it that's when you start to feel lost. That's when you're easily influenced by other people, other situations or people pleasing comes up, right? We're constantly seeking approval or we're constantly seeking guidance, even as an adult. Like, I don't know who I am. I need you to tell me what I should do, what I should say, how I should behave. In today's episode, we are going to explore why your identity matters, what actually contributes or shapes your identity, how it's created, and what can weaken or distort your identity, and then how we can reconnect with ourselves and how that can actually change everything for you. So, why is it important to know ourselves, Jade? For those of you really interested in personal development, I know for myself, I started personal development when I was like 18, 19 years old. Spring chicken, which is really important because I believe that in your 20s, it's all about the failures, it's all about the lessons, right? That's where you learn so much about yourself by making mistakes, failing. So, to be so involved in personal development from such a young age, I have always just been so interested in myself, like learning about myself. Why do I feel the way I do? Why do I think the way that I do? Why do I act the way that I do? So, you know, from a very young age to even now, like I'm always constantly learning. Like I have questions about myself and I want to be able to show up in the world more confidently and more assertively and just, you know, live life to the fullest, but by being my true self. Okay. Because when you know yourself, that's when you're making more decisions confidently. And you're able to choose and navigate relationships confidently that actually align with your values and who you are. Right? We're not trying to morph to suit someone else's idea of what they think we should be, you know, and we start setting boundaries without guilt and we're we're feeling less pressure to please everyone. That was a big one, uh, especially for myself. Like I reckon it was only until a couple of years ago that I was still a very big people pleaser. And that's why it's really important to constantly work on yourself, constantly gain the skills and knowledge to show up in the world. Assertively is a really good word to use, right? You're showing up on purpose. Because without a strong sense of this identity, you guys will you'll notice if you haven't already been, you're probably following a path that others expect of you. Because if you're not drawing your own path, others will draw it for you and you'll just follow wherever they tell you to go. Right? You're probably comparing yourselves constantly, constantly. Because if you're not comfortable and confident with who you are, and you have so much doubt within yourself, anyone that comes along, anyone that walks past, anything you see online, you're going, oh, why don't I look like that? Why can't I have that success? Why don't I sound like that? Because you're not sure of yourself. Everything about you, your whole makeup, is questioned. Like you're questioning it, right? And that's where you're relying on that external validation and praise and reassurance and guidance because you, it's not coming from you. That strong sense of identity is not relying on other people to tell you who you are or what you should do or say, right? And then you often feel really disconnected from your purpose if you even know what your purpose is. And knowing that there's a difference, I just want to clarify that with your identity, knowing who you are doesn't mean that you have everything figured out. It just means that you understand your values, your priorities, what matters most to you, what you believe in and what you strive for. And are you are you proud of the person that you are as you're learning it, as you're discovering how you operate? Can can you wake up in the morning and go, I'm really proud of who I am, the type of person I am, what do you contribute to society? So let's talk about what contributes to our identity. Okay, because it's not something that you're actually born with or fully formed. It will develop over time. You know, we often talk about on this podcast and in my programs, children, especially. So the the years of zero to five, what they see around them develops their identity. You will notice this, obviously. That's why we say, you know, what was your upbringing like? Because that forms your beliefs, that forms your behaviors, right? Not only your environment and what you're seeing and what you're hearing, but obviously the guidance that you had when you were younger will contribute to your identity. Now, that's not saying that that is forever. If you do nothing about it, that is your belief systems. That's how your brain is wired. But like I said in last week's episode, you have the ability to take back control and rewire your identity. Make sense of it, change it. Like, who do I want to be? This kind of belief system or identity was thrust upon me in my childhood, but I don't want to show up in the world like this anymore. I want to change it. And you have the ability to do so. But to do that, you have to understand some of the biggest influences of your identity. So let's rattle off a couple here. And as I'm saying them, see if any memories come to mind. Now, this is obviously not to trigger anyone. It's just, oh yeah, I can see how I make decisions in my adulthood based on what I was taught when I was younger. Or yeah, I saw this is how adults communicate when I was younger. That's why I speak to people now like this in my adulthood. So experiences. Do you have any major life events, uh, relationships, whether they were good or bad? What challenges did you face? You know, were you spoon-fed as a child? Or did you grow up in an environment where it's okay to fail? Like, yeah, give it a go, practice. There's lessons in failure, right? Or were you really sheltered and held back from trying and experiencing that kind of thing? Achievements will shape how you view yourself and your confidence as well. So were you involved in a lot of community events? Sports, did you have hobbies as a kid? You know, did you win awards at school? All of those kind of things are shaping your identity and how you see yourself and your confidence. A really big one, this is how humans navigate life, is your values, right? Your core beliefs about what matters most in your life. So do you value honesty, kindness, growth? What is important to you? That is your true identity. Okay. And then I slightly touched on this with events, but your environment, obviously. What kind of uh culture or religion did you grow up in? What kind of education did you receive? What kind of family dynamics did you grow up in? A very loving home that encouraged emotion and compassion and love and warmth? Or unfortunately for some of us, did we grow up in a turmoil kind of environment where there was lots of yelling or conflict or be seen, not heard? You know, all of this matters. All of this contributes to your identity. Also, what social circles did you hang out in and impact, right? I I fortunately grew up in a great environment, thanks to my mama bear. But some people I hung out with in high school in my early years definitely made an impact. And I've talked about it on my podcast before. It's one of my very early episodes, if you want to go take a listen. But you know, that obviously contributes to your self-worth, which is your identity. How do you view yourself? If you're in an environment like a relationship or a family dynamic or a friendship, even for long enough that is saying you're unworthy, you're not worth it, you're fat, you're stupid, you're this. You grow up believing that. You're like, oh yeah, cool. Like I was told growing up that I was stupid and not capable of anything. So that's what I believe about myself now. That's that's who I am. I'm just not worthy. I'm not capable of good things. So I'm not even gonna try taking risks in adulthood. I'm gonna stay at the job that I hate because I absolutely don't deserve anything more than this. Like you could see how the patterns just continue throughout your life. And a really big thing that will contribute to your identity, and this is where you start to have control to shift, is your own personal reflection. So the more that you reflect on your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, the more clarity you will have with your identity. Because one of the biggest things I always talk about is awareness precedes change. So are you aware of, first of all, how are you currently showing up in the world? What do you believe? What do you think about, feel, belief systems, yada yada? Do you like them? Yes, no. Is there anything you want to change? Yes, no. And then taking action on it. Okay. The really important thing to understand is identity does evolve. I'm absolutely not the same person I was, thank God, when I was 20 years old, when I was 15 years old, even. It evolves. If you, if you want more for yourself, if you want more out of life, you have to reflect, you have to take action. And it starts with believing that you are worth more as well. Right? Who you were five years ago doesn't have to be who you are now. And who you are right now doesn't have to be who you want to be in five years' time. So, what can disconnect us from our identity? A lot of people are losing touch with who they are because of societal pressure or external pressure. Okay. And if you don't have a lot of confidence or assertiveness, it's very easy to be moldable or to be persuaded or um, what's the word? Like peer pressured in another direction. Okay, so this is where like the big people pleasing comes in. You're constantly prioritizing other people's expectations over what you actually want or need, right? You don't have that assertiveness to go, well, I appreciate the offer, but not my jam. I really want to make friends, but I can see that you're doing things and involving yourself in things that I just don't really align with. So I'm just gonna say no and hope that the right friends come along. Like there's a difference, yeah? And that like the seeking approval, you're letting that validation from others define your worth. Like if you're someone that has so much self-doubt and you just feel lost with yourself, which is it can feel normal in your early 20s, by the way. Can feel very normal because you're just experiencing so much more. Like you're in high school, or possibly not in your 20s. Thank I hope not. Um, but like you're you're officially an adult, right? And you're you've you've come from having all of this guidance. You have structure in your home, you have structure in school, and now it's almost like be free, go into adulthood, and you're fucking stumbling around. Like, what do you mean I gotta make decisions for myself? I have to call the doctor myself now. Like my mum's not gonna make my appointments. What do you mean I can't be on my mum's fucking Medicare card? Big decisions for a big girl, right? So um, it's a bit of a tangent. I don't even know where I'm going. But seeking that approval and people pleasing comes from not knowing who you are and being assertive in those decisions, like that feeling and that security of I've got this. I'm someone that has got this versus sheer fucking panic. What am I doing with my life? Who am I? And you just spiral. Roles and labels are a really big one as well, right? We we we tend to become really attached to a role or a title that can be um like a job position, a relationship status. Like, how many of you have been really proud in the workplace, in the role that you're currently in or were in? You were doing fucking well, you are really proud when someone says, What do you do for work? You're like, This is what I do, I love my job. You wake up every morning with purpose and then you're made redundant. Or you're fired. If your identity is wrapped up in a job role and it's taken away from you, do you have the ability to go, that's okay, I value myself enough, I'll get the next one. It's not tied up in that specific role, or does your whole fucking world crumble because that identity is taken away from you? That's why it's really important to have purpose or identity outside of something that you attach yourself to. Relationships, for example, huge. The I know so many people that have been in really long-term relationships and they become accustomed to not necessarily relying on the other person, but you know what it's like when you share your life with someone, you, you know, it's different than being on your own and independent. So if your whole identity is girlfriend or I'm a partner, I'm in a relationship, and then you guys break up, but especially if it comes out of nowhere, it's like I I don't actually know who I am on my own. Like single version of Jade is different to in a relationship. Like you just look at the world so differently. And that's because your identity shifts, it changes, right? Who are you without that status? And like I mentioned before, this comes uh really big and impactful for mums, right? Even if you've been dying to be a mum your whole life, but you're not known as anything outside of motherhood. Like, who am I? I'm just a mum, just a milk machine, right? I'm just a housemaid, I'm just an ATM. Respect for mums. Uh, but who are you outside of that? Do you have purpose outside of that? Right. This is where people can feel that disconnect or that shift in identity. And especially with comparison culture, this is where a lot of it can impact our identity and our self-worth. Social media and societal standards and norms can, I was gonna say often, but most of the time, unfortunately, now, makes us question who we are or who we should be to be liked. Right? You could feel really good about yourself, really confident, a lot of self-worth. And then you start seeing trends on social media that are being praised, and you go, well, I don't look like that, I don't behave like that, I don't own that. Am I not worthy now? And then you start questioning your whole fucking existence and identity, right? That's what can feel disconnected for you. And when your identity is built around what others think of you, that's when it becomes fragile. When it's built around core values and self-awareness, that's when your identity is strong. Because if you have that core foundation, you are able to adapt in different environments because you're coming from a place of like, no matter what job title I have, no matter if I'm single in a relationship, right? I know who I am because I'm making decisions and leading my life from my core beliefs and owning and being assertive with what I want and need out of life. So if you're feeling a little bit lost and you want to reconnect with your identity, you can learn who you are again. It is possible and it can be incredibly empowering. Okay. And here's some ways that you can reconnect with yourself or realign with your identity. Like I said, reflecting on your values, top five values. The probably one of the most important things you can do with identity and self-awareness and self-worth is what are my top five values? And when I say values, do you value love, honesty, respect? Uh I've gone blank, uh, compassion. Do you value growth? Do you value security? What do you value? Because every decision you make, every action you take, whether you have a conscious awareness of it or conscious awareness of it or not, your brain is making decisions based on those values. Okay. I encourage you to spend time alone. Some of you were like, ooh, scary. But for me, I'm like, love 95% of the time, I love being by myself, right? And listening to your own thoughts. What's coming up for you? What are those thoughts telling you? What are those feelings telling you? That's that when we talk about reflecting on yourself, self-awareness needs to be done alone. Can have conversations with other people, obviously, but the biggest impacts, the biggest awareness will come from spending time alone and being in tune with your thoughts and feelings. What I want you to start paying attention to around you is noticing what kind of lights you up, what energizes you versus what drains your energy. Is it certain people you're around and you're buzzing or you're around certain people and you feel drained? Is it an activity you're doing? Is it a certain place you're spending time in? Like what is it that lights you up versus drains you? And then I want to make sure that you're setting boundaries that align with your priorities and your needs and wants. We've talked about setting boundaries before. There's some episodes if you need a little rejig. Okay, now that we know how to set boundaries, are they aligning with your priorities and what you need? And one of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you with reconnecting with your identity is just allowing yourself to grow and change. You know, part of learning about who you are, some of it is really sad. Like it's a mourning process for me through all of these learnings and self-awareness. Like I just I still to this day get so upset for my younger self. The shit that I went through in relationships when I was younger. And like I just want to like reach back in time and fucking give her a hug and be like, why are you dealing with this? But unfortunately, you know, all lessons, huge lessons. Now I have a lot to talk about in my business and my podcast. But, you know, it's I just feel so sad. But she was doing the best she could with what she had at the time. What self worth she had at the time, what confidence and assertiveness she had at the time. But be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some grace. You don't have to have all of the answers. And you won't. You won't straight away. That's why you keep doing personal development and self-awareness. Learning about yourself and the right support will give you that, uh, that, the answers and the guidance. And an identity isn't about becoming someone new. Okay. It's often about remembering who you already are underneath the noise, underneath the bad habits, the bad behaviors, the bad, bad people around you. Okay. Everybody is worthy. We just have to shed all of the bullshit that isn't serving us anymore. And it's, I guess it's having the confidence to actually do that. Now that we know identity is the foundation of how you're going to live your life or how you've already been living your life. When you know yourself, your choices will become clearer. Okay. Your boundaries will become stronger and your confidence will become just a natural thing. It's not something you want to learn or adapt. You just show up. Every decision, every action, behavior will lead with confidence because you know who the fuck you are and what you want and what you need. You don't fix your identity. Okay. There's no fixing it. It's just going to continue to evolve and grow. And to do that, self-awareness and experience. Learn to be uncomfortable. Learn to take risks. Immerse yourself in self-development. All right. Get a coach. Do whatever it is to learn about yourself. Because if you are aligned with your true self, what is that true identity? Without external approval, without people pleasing, without, you know, reassurance from other people or other people leading you, who is that version of you? And then practice every day showing up as them. Every time you have a thought or an opinion or take action, just check in with yourself. Am I making this decision because I think it's what other people want? Or is it what I actually want and I believe? Right? Am I saying this because I think it'll get me props and popularity and purpose, whatever? Or is it like this is what I actually want to say? I'm saying it with my chest. What is it? I want you to like think of the word identity and who you truly are as something that you can actively explore and shape. Like if you were to pull your identity out of your body and have it sitting on your hand, how are you gonna mold them? How are you gonna talk to them? Like, what do you believe in? Like deep down, because the person, the version of you sitting on your hand is your true self, right? Remove it, put it on your hand, have an honest fucking conversation with them. I totally understand our upbringing. I totally understand what happened at school and I totally understand what happened in that relationship, but that is not who you are. Not your fault, right? But take my hand. Take my hand. Little old you on your hand. Here's what we're gonna do differently. I want to learn all about you. You tell me, because you yourself talking to your hand, you don't know the answers, right? Because you've got that cloak of bullshit on from your environment, society, all of it, social media, right? Have that honest conversation with little old you on your hand and let them lead you. Okay, it's not something that you're stuck with. You have the ability to change it as long as you want to. Okay, you can change anything. I want to leave you with some reflective, little splassy questions. Just like always. We need to consider who are you when you're not trying to meet anyone else's expectations. So consider what situations have you been in the last week or the last month, whether it's at work, maybe you went for coffee with a friend, something that happened in your relationship. What is it? Think of that example, think of that scenario. How did you respond to something or what decision did you make in that scenario? And was that based on your true identity or what you actually want? Or did you say what you said and take the action you did because you thought it was what the other person wanted or what you thought that they wanted you to say? Okay, second question. If you are aware of your top five values, if not, explore them. You know, what values matter most to you right now in this current place of your life? You know, whatever age you are, whatever journey or chapter, however you want to look at it, in your life, what values actually matter most to you? And are you living in alignment with them? Yeah. Last question Where in your life are you living according to other people's identities of you instead of your own? That's a big one. Right? Because that comes down to being led in your life rather than you taking charge of your life. Okay? Where in your life are you living according to other people's identity for you instead of your own? Are you in a job that you fucking hate because people keep telling you that you're doing a great job and they need you and they're relying on you, but you fucking wake up miserable every day. Right? Are you in a relationship that you hate? You're living in a country that you hate? Are you putting up with shitty friends because you think that you should or make other people happy? But it's not what you want or who you are. Like you don't align with that friend anymore because they have horrible values. They treat people like shit. You know, where are you living in your life, according to others, where they think you should be? Think about it. All right, my loves. Thank you so much for tuning in. I will see you guys next week. Bye. Okay, gorgeous. That's a wrap on today's episode of Woke Up Worthy. If this spoke to you, don't forget to follow the pod, hit that bell, and drop a five-star review so more gals can find this space too. If you're needing some extra support, confidence tools, and maybe some behind the scenes goodies. Tap the link in the description to connect with me and join the community. Until next time, babe, don't forget to choose yourself, back yourself, and more importantly, remember you woke up worthy.