Why you keep dating the same men

Ever feel like you keep ending up in the same relationship… just with a different person? 

In this episode, we’re breaking down;

• Why your dating patterns keep repeating  and why it’s not just “bad luck.”
• The difference between attraction and alignment
• How your beliefs about love are shaping who you choose
• And why emotional chaos can feel more familiar than healthy love. 

If you’ve ever found yourself asking “why does this keep happening to me?” - this episode will help you understand your patterns and start choosing differently.

Because it’s not about finding someone new, it’s about becoming someone who chooses better. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Wake Up Worthy, the podcast that feels like the friend who hyped you up and tells you the truth. I'm your host, Jay, and this is your one-stop shop for confidence, empowerment, relationships, and all things us gals are secretly overthinking at 2 a.m. So grab your coffee, girl, get comfy, and let's yap our way into the most confident worthy version of you. Because, babe, you didn't just wake up. You woke up worthy. What's up, my little love buckets? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. Happy Tuesday, everyone. Happy Tuesday if you are listening to this on Tuesday. I hope your week is going well. I officially had my six-week touch-up for my eyebrow tattoo. Woo! I'm just so pleased with how they've been and how they look. I'm just so happy that that is done. It's one less thing I have to worry about. My eyebrows go in, grow in like really weird directions, and it makes me look like I have slits in my eyebrows. Um, I have very bushy eyebrows, like full eyebrows. I'm thankfully very naturally hairy. But just the direction that they grow always made me look like I had slits and I was trying to join a gang or something. So I was like, that needs to be filled in ASAPs. Glad that's done. Um I've actually got quite a few messages from my episode last week. I'm really glad that you guys are, you know, starting to listen consistently if you haven't already. But I absolutely encourage questions, engagement. Like I put this information out there so that you guys feel supported and helped. And if you have questions that come from that, I'm my my inbox is always open for you. So feel free to send me some questions. Or if it brings up anything for you and you and you need support, obviously my DMs open as well. So if you haven't already, don't forget there's a link in the description of all of the episodes to join the Facebook group. It's completely free. Um, there's a community of gals in there, very supportive. I post extra content and stuff in there. So if you need support or you just need a community around you right now, then absolutely go for gold. It is in there. So, today's episode. Have you guys ever looked back at your dating history and thought, I'm sensing a pattern. I'm sensing a pattern. Why does this keep happening to me? You know, different person every time, but kind of the same story, same problems, and unfortunately the same outcome, right? That this is what we call a pattern. You're dating the same type of guy, therefore it's giving you the same ending and unfortunately like the same middle part as well. Like it's it may seem like really great in the beginning, and then it just kind of falls to shit. And I guess like you're always wondering or being left feeling confused, drained, not enough. And I I know for a lot of you I was the same. Like you just you're so hopeful because all you want is to feel loved, like you want your person, you you know deep down, like surely I deserve more than this. Why does this keep happening to me? Where did I go wrong? Right. And I just want to normalize it and take that pressure off you. This isn't because you're unlucky in love. It's because there is a pattern, babe. And today I'm gonna help you unpack it, unpack why it's happening to you. And just to reiterate like this episode is not to blame you. Um, it's not to shame you. It's about helping you understand that pattern so that we can finally help you break free of it. Because we're just done with trash men, right? Like, where are the good ones? I'm here to help you see that and to help you find that because there are good men out there. So obviously I've called it a pattern, okay? And I know it feels like you feel crazy. And I know like you're questioning yourself at this point. You're not crazy, it is just the pattern. So we don't just end up with people. It's not by chance. We're drawn to what feels familiar for us. Like your brain is literally wired to familiar familiar. I couldn't say this word in another episode. Familiarity. No, familiar already. Your brain's wired to feel familiar. Over safety. What the hell? I need you guys to send me a DM on my Instagram page with a voice note saying that word because I don't know what it is. I just, my brain's like, nah, I don't like those letters. Get them out of here. So please send me a voice note because I feel like I'm going crazy. I must not be the only person in the world that can't say this. So your brain is wired to feel a sense of familiar. I know that's not the right word, to feel a sense of familiar around them over safety. Okay. We are drawn to what feels comfortable. And this is not just in relationships. This is in any area of life, like the comfort zone. We talk about this in business, in success, in your workplace. Like you, you grow from doing things outside your comfort zone. And unfortunately, the same applies for relationships. Sometimes staying with what feels comfortable and familiar for you is what's keeping you in this less than ideal situation, emotionally, physically, spiritually. So, because if you have this pattern, if you look back on all of your relationships, all of your ex-partners, right? Are you, do you have this consistent pattern of emotionally unavailable partners? Are there, is there a pattern of like inconsistent or poor communication in your partners? Do you normally attract people where you feel like you need to earn their love and even attention and at times respect? Right. And again, these might not be conscious awareness up until times like now when someone calls it out and says, hey, have a think about what pattern you've been doing. Are you constantly, unfortunately, drawing people to you that cheat on you or are not nice to you? Like it's a pattern that you're teaching your brain. And I've spoken about this before, but we're gonna go into it in depth today. You're not attracting the same guy, okay? You're choosing what feels familiar, which is why a lot of the time when we possibly meet someone new and they're probably great. How many of us have sabotaged that relationship? Like, oh, this uh this feels scary. What do you mean you want to treat me with respect? I don't trust that. I don't trust you, Mr. Nice Guy. I'm going back to what I know, which is I know for sure you're gonna cheat on me. That feels familiar. I'll choose that option, right? So, what I want to bring to the forefront of your attention is there's a difference between attraction and alignment. Okay, so attraction is the chemistry, the intensity, the excitement, you know, that initial spark that people talk about. I have butterflies in my tummy. Like that's what attracts you to someone initially. And that's okay, that's normal in human behavior. We are attracted to someone's aura, their chemistry, the spark, whatever it is. But after that, in order to stay, we need alignment. So there should be shared values, emotional availability, consistency, good communication, respect, respect in capital letters, respect. So I think a lot of us, especially if you're conditioned to feel comfortable in a chaotic environment or a chaotic relationship, a lot of a lot of women confuse that emotional chaos for chemistry because they don't know any different. And just because something feels strong, it doesn't mean that it's right or it doesn't mean that it's okay. So a lot of us have unresolved beliefs about love or what a relationship dynamic looks like. So we know that relationship patterns are rooted in beliefs. And then we know even further that our belief systems, most of the time, 99% of the time, are formed from when we are younger. What did we witness when we were growing up? Did you have parents that were fighting all the time? Did you have parents that um didn't speak to each other at all? Did you have parents that were like, stay together for the kids, right? Which type of environment did you grow up in? And even for myself, I can look back and analyze and have awareness of the patterns of men that I was dating. No fault of my parents' own. But how do you say this without like not blaming your parents, but obviously they're like they're conditioned from something as well, right? So having if you have parents where maybe the mum was not in a great relationship, but she chose to stay for the kids, very common. What that teaches, not that we're aware of it, but what it does teach your kids because they're watching it happen, they grow up with it, is I have to stay in this relationship for something else, for another reason, for someone else, for someone else's benefit. Even though I'm miserable, even though I'm not being treated right, I have to stay in this relationship. And that was evident throughout most of my life until I was like 21 when I met my first like very serious relationship. Was I stayed with people that treated me like shit, cheated on me, disrespected me, like terrible relationships, stayed because I'm like subconsciously, I wasn't aware of it, but subconsciously, like your condition because of your belief systems, because of those patterns, like I have to stay in this relationship. I don't have the assertiveness or the self-belief to just go, I'm I deserve better. I'm out. And that is not not to take away from anyone's position or experience. Like we know, and I know firsthand, like it's not as easy as just leaving. Okay. We know. I'm not taking that for granted. I'm saying just bringing a heightened awareness to where these patterns and belief systems come from. Some of your belief systems for relationships might be, I have to earn love. Like, and this is where a lot of external validation stuff comes from as well. Did you grow up in an environment with your parents or a partner or friends, even siblings, where you had to fight for attention, especially if you grew up in a big family? Did you have to fight for attention, fight for love? Or did you just have parents that weren't very affectionate or um verbally loving, like I love you or I'm so proud of you? Like if you didn't grow up around that, it feeds into adult relationships where you're like, I have to like go above and beyond just to feel love. Like I need to hear that you love and see me. Did you have a belief system that love is inconsistent? A belief system that I'm not enough to be fully chosen, right? Or I need to prove my worth. So these are coming from childhood. They're coming from past relationships as well and early experiences of love. And if I'm listing all of this off and you're thinking back about your relationships and you go, yep, there's a pattern there, and it can look, it can look slightly different each time, but I guarantee that if you have this feeling or awareness that you date the same people every time, there is an underlying pattern. And if you can identify what the belief is that you're telling yourself, so belief systems normally like the story that we tell ourselves. It's like a rule, a rule that we abide by subconsciously. I need to earn love. I'm not enough to be fully chosen. I'm not worthy, is a really big, deep one, right? I'm not worth it. So, in order to break those patterns of the people that we're ending up with, the relationships we continuously find ourselves in, we need to have awareness and identify what is the belief we have about ourselves, or what is the belief that we have about relationships that I currently have that is not serving me. Need to change that belief system in order to attract and be drawn to new possibilities in relationships. Because as an overarching insight for you, is you're not dating people, you're dating the belief system you have about relationships or about love. That's a big one. What belief system do you have? And if you don't have awareness of it consciously, that's okay. But really start it, you normally have awareness of a belief system because it becomes true in your thoughts. Have you ever had like those really limiting, criticizing, nasty self-talk thoughts that are like, oh, I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of love, uh, I'm no one, no one loves me, uh, I'm never gonna find someone, uh, like all that really heavy stuff. That's a belief system, okay? Another thing to touch on being familiar with your emotions and your partner's emotions versus like a really healthy love. So did you grow up in the environment where, when I say grow up in, it can either be like childhood conditioning or previous relationships. Okay. So did you grow up with the emotions where um you go from zero to a hundred really quickly, like sparks arguments? So you therefore were conditioned that cool, it's better to just not say anything at all. I'm gonna subside my emotions, subside my feelings and thoughts, keep my mouth shut. Therefore, you carry that rule, that rule book into relationships. You just seen and not heard, keep your mouth shut, your feelings don't matter, your voice doesn't matter, you can't advocate for yourself. And then eventually, obviously, when you when you know that you're being treated like shit, how the fuck do you leave if you are conditioned to not use your voice, right? Or emotional maturity, right? How many, unfortunately, the stigma of like young men that grew up that can't talk about their feelings or they don't even understand their emotions because they're taught to just bury them. And you can imagine as an adult male, not all of them, but some of them, adult males in relationships, how do they come across when something's not okay, when they're feeling whatever the opposite of happy is for them? And they don't know, they don't actually have the skills or awareness in communicating how they're feeling. Some of them just ghost, some of them argue, some of them just completely shut down, some of them cheat. And not saying there's an excuse for any of this, but we can understand how we're conditioned in a certain way is how we behave in adult relationships. So, you know, if you have experienced healthy love before, it feels calm, consistent. Like there's no surprises, there's no doubt, right? You know what to expect, you know how to handle it, there's safety. Sometimes, like if you're conditioned to not experience healthy love and you experience it, it can even feel boring at first. Because you're like, where's the chaos? Why am I so calm? I'm bored because you're so used to just like either arguing or fighting or there being drama in your relationship. And now all of a sudden it's calm and peaceful. You're like, the fuck it's boring, right? So that's not a bad thing, by the way. At first, it might be boring, and then you're conditioning yourself to the calm. Okay. So obviously, the opposite of that healthy love and healthy emotions for you would obviously be like really intense relationships, the uncertainty, anxiety inducing so much self-doubt. Like your healthy relationship should never make you experience self-doubt. Like doubt if the relationship is even stronger going forward, but also doubt in yourself. They are huge red flags. You should never experience doubt if you're meant to be together, obviously. So you're mistaking this chaos. If you're used to drama, if you're used to fighting all the time, if you're used to this back and forth, you're mistaking that for connection. Like this is a good relationship, right? You feel more drawn to what is actually hurting you because that is what you're conditioned to experience. That's what your belief system about yourself and relationships is telling you is this is normal. This is our next partner because they're they're showing us subconsciously all of these patterns that we're used to. Therefore, this feels like the next step. So your nervous system is choosing what it knows, what it's familiar with, not what's good for you. So once you have that awareness of a pattern, therefore an awareness of a belief system, you then have awareness of signals like this and red flags where you go, hang on, it feels a bit chaotic. We're fighting already, like I'm experiencing self-doubt, I'm ex I'm experiencing anxiety. This is probably not good for me. Pay attention to those signs. Pay attention to it. Because that's what it's gonna bring up for you. It's it's it's almost like this inner version of you that absolutely feels confident and worthy, is like screaming out for you to go, are we sure we want to do this again? Like another one question mark. So honestly, the best thing you can do, like when you surround yourself with this kind of information and it hits that light bulb in your brain, and you've always been wondering to yourself, why do I keep attracting the same people? Why does this feel so, so constant all the time? Like I can't catch a break. What am I doing wrong? You are not doing anything wrong. Okay. Obviously, all of us can improve all the time, growth, whatever, but you're not doing anything wrong. There's just you, there's patterns there and belief systems there that you are not aware of yet. One of the most powerful things anyone can do is have awareness of their limiting beliefs. I actually do this in my programs and in my coaching, my one-on-one coaching with my girls. So I take you through a whole program and in that you uncover belief systems about yourself. Like one of the biggest, biggest things I preach is awareness precedes change. How can you expect to change anything if you don't know what's holding you back? Because how long have we been dating? How many like fucked up relationships have you had where you just carry the same question through each relationship? Why do I always end up with these people? Why am I not good enough? When will I find someone that like treats me right? But yet the next person will always be the same type, and again and again and again. So it's okay like that you're at that point where you go, I'm wondering and I want something different for myself. The next step is actually taking action on that because you all deserve better. We all deserve to be treated with respect and loved and kindness. So, how do we take you from what you're currently experiencing to that next level of what you deserve? And that just starts with one awareness. Cool, I'm aware that there's some conditioning that's been going on and I want to change it. You have the ability to change the narrative. I always say this on the podcast: you can retrain your brain. Retrain your brain, retrain your belief systems, retrain your thought patterns to what you want. What you want is not out of reach. What you want is not out of reach, and you deserve it. You deserve to feel loved. So let's get you there. So just a reminder, you're not stuck in this cycle. You just you just haven't been shown how to break it yet. Okay. So awareness will be your first step, and then you have the ability to choose differently, right? Rewire what you're attracted to. So the goal for you right now is not to find some someone different, it's to become someone who chooses differently. This is really big, and I experienced it with a couple of people in my life ongoing. This narrative that they tell themselves, like, I just need to find someone better. And I struggle to say this without coming across harsh, but some people need to hear it, is you need to work on yourself first. And what I mean by that statement is who you are currently attracting, you are attracting because that's what you believe you deserve deep down because you're carrying those patterns, you're carrying those belief systems. Like I said, if you don't interrupt that pattern, unfortunately, babe, the next person you find will be the same because you do not have a different awareness or approach or belief system of what you think that you deserve deep down, truly. And I know that sounds fucking harsh, but it's true, right? So you need to. I always say this and I know it's hard, but just be by yourself for a little bit. Do some work, do some growing, some personal development, fuck get a coach, join my program, whatever you need to do. Because unless you have awareness of your current patterns up until now that have not been serving you, the next person you find, unfortunately, will be the same. So what a beautiful goal and purpose to have that I want to be someone who chooses differently. Key word there is choose. Because I know for a lot of us, have we ever dated and then liked someone and stood back and assessed? Is this person great for me? Are they really in alignment with what I need? Do they make me feel good? Are they actually looking after me? Do I feel safe with them? No, none of us do that. That's not normal. We just fucking throw ourselves into it and fuck around and find out. So now that you have awareness of this, it would be so nice to give yourself the chance to step out of the feelings, step out of those butterflies, out of that spark, out of that chemistry, so that we can actually go, is this the same pattern of behavior? Or do I need something better? Do I want something better? Okay, give yourself that chance to choose. So I'm gonna leave you with two questions that I want you to really think about. What patterns keep showing up in your relationships? And what are they actually saying about what you believe you deserve? Second question: Am I choosing what feels familiar or what actually aligns with the love and life that I want? Right? Are you choosing to stay in that comfort zone because it's all you've ever known? Or are you actually going against the grain, challenging it a little bit, getting outside your comfort zone, feeling vulnerable because you know that that side of the fence is scary, but what you deserve. If you want to ponder on those questions, I would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to join the Facebook group. It's in my thing. But also, like, I'm here, babe. Send me a DM. Because I leave you with these questions not to not to be your fucking teacher, but awareness precedes change. So if you're thinking about this kind of stuff, I hope that even just by hearing this episode, like the next person you interact with when you go on a date, or if you're in a shitty relationship and you go home and you look at your partner and go, hmm, okay, like I'm here to make an impact for you. Even just that smallest subtle shift in your thought can make such a big difference for you. And like if that's all it is, you just think differently and you approach differently, great. But you know that there's deeper work there available for you if you need it, okay? All right. That is it, my loves. I'll see you next week. Bye. Okay, gorgeous. That's a wrap on today's episode of Woke Up Worthy. If this spoke to you, don't forget to follow the pod, hit that bell, and drop a five-star review so more gals can find this space too. If you're needing some extra support, confidence tools, and maybe some behind the scenes goodies. Tap the link in the description to connect with me and join the community. Until next time, babe, don't forget, choose yourself. Back yourself. And more importantly, remember you woke up worthy.