How to Let Go of Someone You Love Ft. Tess Milton

Most women don’t realise how their beliefs about love and self-worth are keeping them stuck in relationships that don’t feel good. 

In this episode, I sit down with Tess Milton, who shares her journey from a challenging, emotionally draining marriage to completely rebuilding her life through mindset, boundaries and self-belief. 

After navigating her own divorce, Tess realised that separation isn’t just something to heal from, but rather an opportunity to rebuild from. Not just a life, but an identity. One that is no longer shaped by survival, people-pleasing or outdated roles but by clarity, self-trust and conscious creation.

We talk about the patterns that keep women stuck, the moment everything shifted for her and the simple but powerful mindset changes that helped her choose herself.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, unworthy, or unsure how to leave what’s no longer serving you- this episode will feel like the permission slip you didn’t know you needed

Follow Tess

@tessmiltoncoach

www.unearthher.com.au

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Wake Up Worthy, the podcast that feels like a friend who cuts you up and tells you the truth. I'm your host, Jay, and this is your one-stop shop for confidence, empowerment, relationships, and all things us gals are secretly overthinking at 2am. So grab your coffee, girl, get comfy, and let's yap our way into the most confident, worthy version of you. Because, babe, you didn't just wake up. You woke up worthy.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Welcome to the beautiful Tess. How are you, my darling? I am so good, Jade. Thank you for catching up with me today. It's a pleasure to connect with you.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Yeah, I'm so excited to have you on the pod today. Um, I've known Tess for a little while now, and I've been looking at your just your Instagram and how beautifully your business has been going. And I think just your message and the idea of how you help women is so, so important, especially to the gals that are wanting to work on their self-worth. So for anyone that doesn't know you, you're happy to introduce yourself and tell them a little bit about what you do.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Absolutely. Well, my name is Tess. I live on the Gold Coast in Australia, which is a beautiful part of the world.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Life is full for me. So I have five boys. Um, we have a blended bunch, my husband and I. So when we came together, he had two, I had two. We thought that's not chaos enough. Let's have another baby, and we had a fifth boy. Why not? Our boys range from four to 19. So life is very full. But it didn't always look like that. So um, rewinding 10 years, I had one of the hardest chapters of my life. I navigated a very messy relationship breakdown. So that was the father of my first two boys. And I'm sure we will unpack this a little bit more, but it's what sent me into all the work I do today. It's why I coach women. Um, I specialize in women that are navigating that chapter after a marriage breakdown. And because I didn't have it back then. It just, you know, was adrift for so long. And what I have learned in the decade that passed, if I could go back to Tess 10 years ago and teach her that, I could have saved a lot of suffering. So that's this is what I do today.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Yeah, that's beautiful. And it's interesting you say that, right? Because I think as much as we hurt in those moments and in that past experience, like we wish we didn't have to hurt that much, but I'm sure you're gonna tell us all about the beautiful lessons and the triumphs and everything that came from it because it is so important. But like you said, back then people just didn't really speak about it, or there wasn't directly like how to come out of a traumatic marriage, like type of support and coaches. So I'm I'm glad that people have you in that space now. You must be really proud to support people.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Yeah, I am so proud. And I think back then, you know, I tried to do the things, like the right things that people told me I was supposed to do. I saw counselors, I saw psychologists, I went to the gym, right? I did this stuff that was very tangible. It was like a to-do list that I was checking off. But so much of it was like living in the chapter that had just closed. There wasn't a lot of focus on how do I grow through this? How how do I look at this as though it's happening for me and not to me? And I think that mindset shift is a huge one because yeah, I just I didn't need to relive the trauma more. I wasn't getting any growth from that. I needed to use it 100%, but the models that were set up that I had access to weren't allowing me to do that.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Yep. And Tess and I both work obviously in the NLP space and mindset is so important to us. But I guess the a line that you said there that I love that I always preach is how can I see this working for me, not to me? And I'm assuming when you're in the thick of it, it's really hard to kind of pull yourself out of it because you're just in such despair. You're like, well, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Why is why am I going through this? So for anyone listening, if you're comfortable to take us back to kind of what was going on for you at the time, what were you experiencing? Like, what did that situation look like?

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Yeah, you know, I think back to who I was before that marriage, and I I thought love was all you needed. Like I really had this, and I and I still do to this day. I'm still a massive advocate for, you know, being a lover, not a hater. But there was something in I'd never been taught to have to overcome adversity. I'd had a relatively safe life. I had a good family, good parents. I'd never really come up against anyone I needed to set boundaries around. And so when I went into that marriage, I knew early on that there were issues, right? So my ex, and I don't want this to be too much about his journey, right? He's still on a journey. And for a long time after that relationship broke down, I was in that space of he did this, he did this, he did this. It's not about that, right? But he's had a struggle for most of his life with alcoholism. Okay. And so when I was in that space, I was having to deal with situations that were unsafe, that were very stressful, that I couldn't control. And for a long time, whilst in it, if I just keep loving on him, I thought if I just keep loving on him, if I keep trying to help him and save him and show him the way, then we will get through this. And that was a massive learning curve for me that you can't save someone that doesn't want to save themselves. And so, you know, and I I think as well that the universe gives us lessons to learn the stuff we haven't learned yet. And that was a massive lesson for me was that if I don't put myself first and love myself and save myself, no one is coming to do that for me. And so I was put in situation after situation after situation where I was just like, why is this happening to me? Um, until I finally developed the strength to go enough. And that's when it all started to shift. Yeah, beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

You said something really interesting, which I've never actually thought about before, in terms of, you know, if we grow up in this beautiful environment with in childhood, with our parents, like quite a not a sheltered life, but a good quality life, right? We're not really faced with adversity or what is like trauma at a young age because we we lived a great life, right? And then you go into your first experience older, like an adult. So you've already formed as a child beautiful beliefs about the world and about yourself, but then you in adulthood, in your gut, you probably knew this is not normal behavior. I've never seen this before, right? So, how did you not being prepared for that in childhood, then navigate through as an adult and talk to us about kind of how you came out of that for yourself? What were you saying to yourself? What were you doing for yourself to get out of it specifically?

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Look, in the beginning, it was very much two steps forward, one step back. And like this is why I would love to just go back to Tess of back then because there's things that as much as it had to happen for me to learn those lessons, I could have looked at it in a different way earlier, right? To learn them quicker. And so, um, look, I lent on my family a lot. I had a lot of conversations with my dad back then. And, you know, he was like me, he'd lived a pretty sheltered life. So we used to sit together and try to figure out what's the psychology behind how he's showing up? Why is he doing this? Like, you know. Um, and then I think humans can only take so much, right? You get to a point where I couldn't think my way out of it, Jade, like a day at a time, a week at a time. And I started this one question that really reframed it all for me was if I stay, how is life gonna look in five years from now? And if I leave, how could it possibly look instead? And because I couldn't think about how I was gonna get out of it, that allowed me to go, well, yeah, it might be messy, it might be clumsy for a few weeks, months, years, but in five years, you can do a lot. And when I started to realize what my life was gonna look like if I stayed, that was an that was a certainty. I knew it was gonna get worse. But if I left, there was hope, there was opportunity. So that was the question I asked myself to break the pattern. And then it was slowly rebuilding myself from there, very slowly.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Yeah, yeah, that's powerful. And it it's probably um, it's great. It sounds like you had a lot of support around you, and there would have been that added pressure because you guys would have had one child at the time. Two, one, two, yeah, two, two, yeah. So there's that added strength of not only thinking of yourself, but like your family dynamic. And I think where a lot of girls in traumatic relationship, especially if there's kids involved, is we're staying together for the kids. But what we're actually teaching them is this is okay to put up with, this is this is a this is an okay environment to be around. So it's like that added strength that you have to carry of, well, I feel like I'm doing the right thing by supporting my husband that I love, but maybe that's not the right decision. Maybe that's not a good thing, right? I need to shift the dial to maybe be a good example for my kids as well. Did any of those thoughts kind of come ahead for you?

SPEAKER_00 9:35

Honestly, that was the catalyst. Like when I started to see them get older, when I left, my eldest was six and my youngest was three, and my six-year-old was getting to that point where he was, I couldn't hide him from it anymore. He was starting to see stuff that I knew was gonna have a flow-on effect for him. And, you know, as a mum, you're like, I can take a lot of stuff, but my kids aren't gonna fucking take that. Like, let's draw a line there. Um, so that's when that mama bear comes out. Um, but interestingly, what you were saying before about living this really sheltered life, not sheltered, but beautiful life, right? Yeah. Where you didn't have to face a lot of adversity. It's interesting because through that experience, I can now look back and go, there actually were self-limiting beliefs that I had carried from childhood that only got triggered when I was in that situation. And interesting. You know, there are things like I'm only lovable if I'm being loved. That was a huge one. And that was something I didn't identify until probably the last couple of years. Because I'd always been in a space where I'd been loved. Like it gave me worth to be loved by people because I had so much of it around. So when I was in this, it's so complicated, we're fucked either way.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Right. We're fucked in a good upbringing, we had a bad one. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

But this is the thing, right? This is what I keep seeing, and I'm sure you see this with women you work with, is that doesn't matter what upbringing you have, women especially seem to carry some level of self-limiting belief that we're not good enough, we're not lovable, we're not worthy, we're too much. We're you like, and when it gets triggered by someone outside of us, it is so easy in that moment to say, they are doing this to me, like they are making me feel this. When they're not, like they're triggering something that's already sitting within us that just wants to be healed. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

Especially if you grew up, like you said, you're a big lover, not a hater or a fighter, right? So your coping mechanism or your fixing tool is if I just love you more, things will get better. And then when it doesn't, the only thing left to do is just self-blame. Well, what am I doing wrong for him? Like, why hasn't he changed yet? Um I thought I was being a good partner, right? And it just spirals out of control. Like I can't even imagine.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

And if you've got no experience setting boundaries, if you've never had to, in that moment, it's really easy to go, okay, this isn't working. The only other option option I have is to get really like to really step up the conflict and be really sort of assertive and bold. And in that moment, I didn't realize there was all these in-between spaces where you can actually advocate for yourself without having to scream and yell about it. But it's hard to do that if you've never had experience. So there's all this gray in the middle.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

And that your situation is not an easy situation, like dealing with that as well as trying to parent, like we have to give ourselves grace in the fact that, you know, emotions will come forward. And sometimes we might want to scream and pull our hair out. But at the end of the day, having that control over your thoughts, like, are these thoughts serving me or are they making my situation worse? And you just have to kind of put a line in the sand and go, all right, what am I going to do about it? And like you said, seeing the future kind of helped pull you out of it, seeing a different perspective as well.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Yeah, absolutely. And then, you know, even when I took that step and I came out of it, like this is this is why I'm so passionate about working with that woman who's taken that step out. Because in that moment, I still didn't have the awareness for how to address those things within me that were causing the pain. In my mind, it was still him that had done this to me. And so because I didn't know what to do to feel the feels and move through them, I just tried to numb them, right? So I drank too much wine, I partied, I started dating before I should. I did stuff that didn't serve me. It actually kept me stuck for a lot longer. Not because I wasn't ready to grow, but I just didn't know how. And I was going to counselors, I was going to psychologists, and they have an absolute place in this world, don't get me wrong. But in terms of like, I didn't have a mental illness, I didn't have anything that needed to be diagnosed. I didn't have, like, what I needed in that moment was someone to go, what now? Like, let's start to look into the future. What do you want to build? Because I think by doing that, in that space when you're really unhappy, by just looking forward, you naturally bring up the things that are blocking your path anyway. As opposed to just sitting in the past and kind of rehashing all the conflict and the pain. Really, the only thing that matters is what do I need to heal to move forward easily? Like that's ultimately what it came down to in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Pull yourself out of it, I guess, or have someone help you get out of the sticks of it so you can assess the situation better. And I know you um you had a beautiful awareness of your limiting belief. I think um correct me if I'm wrong, I can only feel loved if others love me. What was it? Yeah, I'm only lovable if I'm being loved. So at what point in that journey did you realize you had that belief? Because I think that's probably when it switched for you that you were blaming him versus, oh, I'm contributing to this because of that belief. Like when was that an awareness for you?

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Honestly, it was years. Like, and this is like I stayed in that space for a long time. And I got to a point before that where I started to not play the victim so much and allow him his journey and allow me mine. But I still had this, and it it probably wasn't until I I'm with my husband now, I'm remarried. When we started to date, I kind of felt that trigger again, right? Because I hadn't healed it. So, you know, I was in a space again. And I think this is what happens when people come out of marriages and then they repartner. Often two people are bringing a little bit of trauma to the table because it's very hard to process and manage all of that straight away. So he had his own, I had my own. And and again, I'm a big believer that we needed to come together to actually heal those parts of ourselves as well. So we had to almost trigger them a little bit in each other for us to go. That's very true. There's something here to look closer at.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Yeah. And no one's gonna be perfect. And sometimes it doesn't even need to be this huge traumatic thing. But we as humans, we're designed by picking up patterns, picking up behaviors and thought patterns and all of that. But we sometimes aren't even aware of it. So all that can happen or change is if you have a really supportive partner that's vulnerable and open to speak about their, I don't like the word faults, but how are they feeling restricted or held back? If you're open with each other, you can put it out on all out on the table and work through it together and become better together, like you evolve. As long as you're open to say, yeah, I've got some shit. Here it is. Let's unpack it together and like be better together. That's probably the best way forward as well.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah, I I love that. And I I think though, the first step before even that, which is where I was stuck, is actually being able to admit it, to look myself in the mirror and go, what are the things here that I need to be able to speak, that I need to be able to move through? Because I think that, well, I know the pattern for me anyway. A lot of times in my life, I looked to somebody else to try to fix these things in me that I didn't understand, that I couldn't process. Um, it's almost like that little girl that just wants mum and dad to come in and go, like, tell me what's wrong so I can move through this. Yeah. And again, that's probably because I had a childhood where mum and dad were always there to catch me when I fell. I never really had to catch myself.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Yeah, which is beautiful in itself. But yeah, how dare you be a great parent? Like, thanks, so selfish. It's I love that you're saying that though.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Like, whatever experience we've had, there's something there to process.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

Yeah, I'm racking my brain because I'm like, um, my partner and I'm gonna start trying for kids soon. And I'm like, I feel like I haven't nailed at one point, and then I'm like, fuck, now I can't be like too supportive, and where's the line? Like, you can't create perfect human beings. But you've got to give them something to work through, right? Yeah. I might dash some trauma in there just so they have some coping skills. I don't know. Um, that's amazing. I love that you were talking about the self-belief stuff though, because I think your situation is so unique in a way, like you had a beautiful upbringing and then you were faced with this really challenging scenario. And I think it's beautiful that straight away you're not trying to go, it was all him, he was the issue, I was perfect. Because for someone like you, and I'm very similar, if not the same to you, that you just lead with love, you fix everything with love, right? And unfortunately, I think a lot of the times that comes with people pleasing and am I doing the right thing? Like, tell me if this is what you want to hear, how can I fix everything? And in doing that, it's never a priority to ask ourselves how we're feeling, to ask ourselves if this situation's good for us. Like in the movies, we always see the main character go, no, you're not good for me, see you later. And it's so easy. But in real life, we put ourselves last. We go through so much shit and we put up with so much stuff because we care about the other person, even though they're hurting us, right? Yeah. How did you, how did you go through all of that type of feelings?

SPEAKER_00 19:16

Do you know? I probably still feel it. Like he's still not in a great space. Like, this is a decade on. And yeah. I mean, I think right now he's actually doing okay, but it's it's a up and down, right? And so again, it's like another opportunity to practice those boundaries where you're like, if loving someone and caring about them is hurting you, it's actually okay to say, I can't go into that space. Because caring about somebody should never hurt you, right? And I think this is the thing that we have permission to decide who we allow into our lives, and it doesn't have to be that we just put a wall up to the cruel, horrible, nasty ones. Sometimes we need to put a wall up to the ones that actually mean well, but just in them being whatever they're being is affecting us, then like we have to love ourselves more. And that's a really tricky space to be.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

Yeah. Yeah, that's harder than that's almost harder than leaving someone that treats you like shit. It's so much easier to leave someone that's cheated on you because you're like, you actually are a piece of shit, versus someone that's really struggling and you love them so much, but you how do you put yourself first in a situation where the the person you love is hurting, right? But that's what I mean. People get stuck in these cycles for so many years because they don't think that themselves matter. Like you are just as important as a person you love that's hurting. And sometimes staying probably makes it worse, right?

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Absolutely. And you know, often like there are those beliefs underneath, right? That if I'm not being of service, those people pleasing, overgiving tendencies that we have, which all stem from some kind of limiting belief underneath it all, that if I pull away and stop trying to save this person, stop trying to pour love on them and I actually set a wall up, then I'm letting them suffer on their own and that's a reflection of me. Yeah. And so I think whatever it is we're struggling with, it's always a mirror of what am I making this mean? Like, what is it that I think about myself if I do this action that's making this so hard?

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Yeah. What are you hoping to see change just by staying? Like, is anything actually going to change? I've tried being supportive for this long and nothing changed. So what else is possible? What else can I do differently?

SPEAKER_00 21:40

And is it just that doing that gives you a sense of worth and a sense of purpose? Right? Like, and I see that in a lot of women that I coach, that they really struggle to stop trying to aid and help and hold space for someone that they've actually called it a day with because. 'Cause if they do that, they think they're an arsehole, right? If I leave him while he's struggling, I'm an arsehole. And it's like Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Really? Guilt you carry.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Yeah. Yeah. And how would you how do you normally give advice for people that feel that? Because that's very natural for people that are nurturers or compassionate people. Like now, okay, the f I've done the first step, which is acknowledging that I should probably put myself first. But what the fuck does that mean about me if I'm about to abandon my loved one? Like, how do you coach people through that?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

I always like to get people to think about what's the cost of your action? So whatever it is that you do next, if that's going back and trying to save him and holding space for him, what is that costing you long term? In terms of your energy, your relationships, your sense of self, your happiness, your peace. Because there's a flow-on effect from every action we take, as opposed to what if I do the hard thing now? What if I don't reply to the text? What if I hold my space? What if I keep my boundaries? Yeah, it's gonna feel uncomfortable. I might feel guilty, I might feel shameful, right? We've got tools we can we can use to move through those emotions and manage them. But what's the flow-on effect of actually not engaging in that behavior? How do you eventually feel about yourself? How does your life start to open up and expand and allow more space for people that aren't going to milk your energy? Right. So it's it's like that five-year thing again where I'm like, okay, if I stay or if I go, what do the next five years look like? It's thinking bigger than right now. Because right now is really hard to think your way out of when it's catastrophic.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Yeah. And it's that balance between, okay, do you want to at the end of the, at the end of every day, tick a box saying, I'm still here supporting my partner and nothing else matters about yourself? Or the opposite side of that is, you know, you want to feel loved, you want to feel safe, you want to feel happy, you want to feel fulfilled. Like there's two ends here. Which one do you want to go to bed at night saying you've done? Like, and leaving doesn't say that you're a bad person. It just means that you're currently not living the life you want to live and feeling the version of yourself that you want to feel. Like you make that choice at the end of the day. And it is hard for people to to abandon. I totally get it. But yeah, I love that you're you're helping people see the way forward, pulling them out of that, the sticks of it.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Yeah. And I think that another big part is when we let some part of our life drop away, there's this fear that it's going to be empty. Right. Like this takes up such a massive part of my life. I live in a house with them, they're there every day. As much as it's not great, there's conversations that are had, there's help that's been given for the kids, right? There's all that stuff. If I let that fall away, there's just going to be this big open space in my life. But then we actually allow something better to come in because whilst there's no space, nothing else can come into it, right? Like we're at capacity at that point. And as much as I thought about this, where could I be in five years? We really underestimate what we can do in a year because it was not even five years. Like, literally, if I go a year from that date, my life looked completely different. I was living in a different home. I had different friends, I had a different network. I felt different in my days. And within only two years, like I'd met my now husband, right? Life was like it changed dramatically. And if I had waited two years longer, that could have all not eventuated. None of that would have come to you.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

We don't know that stuff, right? We've got to make the space first of all.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

You have to take the leap. And did any of those fears that you had or what was holding you back during that relationship? Because obviously you would have had hesitations on leaving whilst you were deciding. Do you still feel some of those feels, or actually taking that leap and leaving calmed everything and you felt in your gut this was the right choice? I'm so much better now.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Yeah, I knew the moment I made the decision that there was never going to be any going back from it, as hard as it was, and it was a messy path. But before I made that very final decision, I did what a lot of women do, where we we make a soft decision. I need you to move out for a bit. We need a break, we need a this, we need a that. But then the thing that's actually right. The thing that actually was like, okay, I'm done. This is a deal breaker, ended up being something quite small. You know, it's like we get worn down. We have all these big situations. And I think what can happen to women in relationships is that, you know, and this isn't always even in really traumatic times, but the men can be left going, I didn't even see this coming. Because women slowly check out emotionally. The trust breaks down and they're they're just pulling away inch by inch by inch, waiting for him to step forward and do the things they need. So when the time comes, that one little thing, it was never that little thing. Yeah. It was all that stuff, and it's like, I'm done, I'm out.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Lots of little things.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

That's so true. That's so true. And for your situation, right? Because your support system is staying and loving him through his challenges. One day you decide I'm no longer gonna stay and support this. So he's like, What the fuck? I thought you there's no consequences to my actions because you've stayed here the whole time and now you're randomly leaving. Like, what's up with that? So yeah, it's why it's important that we put ourselves first for sure.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Yeah. And look, he probably didn't know that that very final time where I said I'm done actually meant I'm done. I knew in my head something flicked. But to him, he's like, ah, she's done this before.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

But yes, which is um unfortunate in it's that's a whole other subject. But um, you mentioned earlier that you had to learn to set boundaries because you've never been through adversity. So talk me through someone that might might not have experience setting boundaries because we say how important it is all the time. What do they look like for you? How did you set them? And what are what are some of your boundaries now that you're strong on moving forward?

SPEAKER_00 28:06

So it took me years to learn how to create those boundaries well. In the very beginning, I still tried to do what I thought was the right thing, right? He should see his kids, I'll accommodate this, I'll forgive that, I'll do that. So even as separated parents, I tolerated too much. Um, my husband now is very good with boundaries. Like he is just one of those black and white people. Um, so that was a massive learning curve for me. Because he came into the scene and was like, why are you letting this guy get away with this? Like he did this, mm-mm, this is done, right? Um, so I learned a lot from watching someone who was very fierce with boundaries. And I think today it's so easy for me. A big reason is because I now know who I am. And I didn't really know who I was back then, not to the extent that I know now, where I was still looking back then for what the world wanted me to be. Trying to be a bit of a chameleon, trying to make people like me, be a people pleaser. And whether that's the experience I've been through, whether it's age, whether it's the work that, you know, we've had the privilege of doing within NLP and life coaching and all of that stuff, I now know my values. I now know what matters to me. And that just gives you a space where knowing what to say yes and no to becomes effortless. Because it's like if it doesn't fit into these boxes, I know I've only got so much energy a day. Like it's a no. So yeah, I I know I I think just really getting that sense of self, really standing in who you are and feeling strong about it is the easiest way to advocate for your boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

Yeah, I love that. That's so powerful. And I think it's important to know, like, just because we do all this work and we are growing as people and we might, you know, definitely feel like we have our shit together more than we used to, you're still gonna have those days where maybe something happens, it triggers something, you might feel a little bit of self-doubt, or um you're still a little bit unsure or maybe hesitant to set a boundary. How do you manage things that stop you in your place, like a trigger or something that comes up for you? How do you manage it differently now than you used to with we'll say old, like younger Tess in those situations?

SPEAKER_00 30:27

I have something that is called my I am document, right? It's something I actually do with the women that I coach. And it's it's it's a document that it's me advocating for who I am. So when I feel as though I'm getting caught up or I'm unsure of my next move or I'm doubting myself, I will go back and I will read this. And I've read it so many times that it's become the narrative in my mind. So it's become the words that I naturally say to myself. And I think this is what is so powerful is that we can train ourselves to believe whatever we want to believe about ourselves, but only once we first shine some awareness on what are we already thinking. You know, when we start to think I'm too much, I'm not enough, I'm whatever. We can start to go, okay, let's choose again. How would you like to feel about yourself? I'm powerful, I'm strong, I'm capable of, you know, greatness. I can, I'm two feet in on everything I do, right? Like whatever it is. And you create that document and you anchor into that every single day, it sort of becomes that lifeline when doubt and fear and worry and questioning yourself comes in. You can go, nope, let's just drown the world out for a while. Who do I decide that I am? And let's get back in alignment with that.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Yes. I feel so motivated. We need to do some workshops or something together. I'm like, yes. This woman gets set. Let's go. Um, yeah, I I call that in my programs like your inner critic or your self-talk, right? And your, I always say, and we got this from Calvin obviously was awareness precedes change. And until you're aware of how you're currently thinking or behaving or feeling, you can't change it. So once you acknowledge that, hey, I'm actually telling myself every day that I'm a pizza shit, or I'm telling myself that I'm not capable or worthy, change it. Flip the script. And like you said, you can rewrite, rewire everything. It's like writing your own little rule book or who am I every day. And like you said, you reference it every day. That has actually naturally now, through hard work, become your normal go-to inner dialogue. Whereas if you haven't done the work, your go-to inner dialogue is self-doubt and self-criticism. Whereas if you work on it daily and build that neural pathway in your brain, it becomes your go-to is self-belief. And that's your power.

SPEAKER_00 32:54

And then you stop getting so reactive, right? When the world has an opinion on you because it doesn't hit. Someone tells you that you're ricochets. Yeah. You're useless. You're not going to be able to do that. You haven't got what it takes. You're like, I'll show you, mate. I'm strong. I'm powerful.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

Yeah, you're like, I'm sorry you feel that way. Yeah. Who hurt you? Are we okay?

SPEAKER_00 33:13

Grab the popcorn, watch the show's about to begin.

SPEAKER_01 33:17

Yes. That's what I always say. I'm like, there'll be a point in time where you do so much work on you that when people bully you or put you down, you feel sorry for them rather than taking what they say as face value. You're like, oh, I don't I don't agree, but are you okay? Like, would you like some help? Do you want to hug? Yeah. Yeah. Like, here's my card. That's such a beautiful place to be in. Um, what would you say you're most proud of that you've done for yourself after all of this? That's a good question.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

Do you know? I think starting my business because I look back on the last 10 years and I was edging towards that without even realizing I was doing it. I wanted to step into a space where I could help women to not suffer the way that I had suffered, but I didn't have the belief yet. I hadn't done the work myself around challenging that, you know, I had that imposter syndrome. Who the hell do you think you are to be able to show anyone what to do? You haven't got your own life worked out. Like I had that was my narrative. And so, you know, I wrote books, I did blogs, I did a few podcasts, but then I would stop. Like I'd start something and then I would kind of pull back. Um and I had a moment um a little over a year ago where I said, okay, I'm gonna get serious about this. Like what I want to do is step up and really help women step into their power, understand how strong they are, actually come through this better than they were before, right? More aligned, happier. What would need to happen in order for me to believe in myself to do this? And my answer was I need to lean in to other people that are doing this. I need to build some accreditations that will help me build my belief. And that's when I found Calvin. Um, and that all happened really in a beautiful, like synchronistic way. I reached out to a friend of mine who was a coach and I was like, I'm thinking about doing some work. I don't know what I should do. What have you done? And she's like, I did NLP, right? And she talked to me about it and I was like, this is fascinating. She did it with a whole different company. I happened to that night was on my emails and I was looking through my junk folder for something. You know, when you like do something and a code gets sent and it goes to the wrong one. I was looking through my junk and I was like, What success? And it said something about NLP, and I was like, what's this? And I clicked on it and the universe. Google girl. Obviously, I'd interacted like previously, and for this whole time the emails were going to my junk folder. I opened one up. There was the NLP like certification starting like the next week. And I'm like, all right, let's do this, baby. Oh, I have shifted.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

So I you just have to be ready. That's exactly what you were talking about with if all of your doors and windows are closed, and and until you step out of that space and open them for new opportunities, like you were already in that space, ready to receive support, receive guidance, like just to be connected with like-minded people as well. And I feel like if you weren't in that space, somehow the universe would not have let you gone through your junk mail because you probably would have just deleted it or skimmed through it. So divine timing.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

Absolutely. It's amazing. And it's always that thing within ourselves, though, that needs to be tweaked, right? Like for me, it was just that belief. And even with all the work that I've been able to do with like with you guys and all the amazing coaches, so much of what I do today, I actually knew before I stepped into that space, but I didn't have the belief in myself to really teach it. So I think people are so much more powerful and so much more capable of greatness than they give themselves credit for. But it's about doing that work and stepping into a space where you wholeheartedly believe that.

SPEAKER_01 37:07

100%. 100%. And I think we, between the two of us and every other female coach, like I think it's just about reminding women that it's not selfish to put yourself first. Like the exact same reason if you were on an airplane and you had a child, there's a reason you put your mask on first. Like you can't help others if you're not at your best. And that goes in relationships, in friendships, workplace, whatever it is. How can you, like, if you thrive on serving others and you thrive on loving and supporting others, just remind yourself that how can you do what you enjoy doing best if you don't feel aligned with yourself and you don't feel your best. So if that helps you get across the line and I feel bad, like leaving, well, you don't feel great. So how are you being a good support system anyway, right?

SPEAKER_00 37:51

I think it comes even on the other side of it, Jade, where I speak to women who have left, right? They've done that hard step. And then they're in a space where they're like, okay, like I'll talk to them about my program, what I do. It's like, yeah, I'd love that, but I just need to get through this, this, and this first. And the this, this, and this is get make sure the kids are okay and sort the legal processes and work out what's happening with finances and find somewhere to live and all this stuff. And it's like, it's a lot. I get it. I've been in that space. It is a lot to manage. But when you are trying to manage that from a place where you feel heavy and sad and broken, and your belief in yourself is really low and you're angry, and you like you are not showing up as the best mom, as the best advocate for yourself. Like it actually, as much as taking on something else can feel big when you're overwhelmed, it actually calms the overwhelm because you start to get that awareness and that clarity. So that doing the stuff that feels so big suddenly becomes easier. It's not another thing to do, it's something that makes the things you're doing not as hard.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

Yeah, because you're so overwhelmed in the position that you're in. A lot of people don't know this, but the part of your brain, when you're actually really emotional, your decision-making part of your brain actually turns off. So that's why we say to a lot of people like, don't make big decisions when you're super emotional. It's not that you're making the wrong decision, maybe. It's just you have the capacity to think clearer, to have more awareness and make better educated decisions if you're not caught in the emotion. So I always encourage people, like, step out of the space, take a breather, take a minute before you make those decisions. And it's not just in one fight I'm talking about. In your case, if you stay for years and every day you you feel that turmoil, you feel that heaviness, that weight, like you said. How can you be a really great parent? How can you manage a household? How can you run a business if you have that heaviness and that weight on your shoulders, right?

SPEAKER_00 39:53

So Yeah. You start to just fall into a reactive state, don't you? Where your your emotional state every day is determined by what's coming at you. It's not the other way around. You're not coming into an alignment and going, what energy do I want to create today? What space do I want to move from? It's like, how am I reacting to all this stuff that's coming towards me? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:16

You're already at the end of your tether every day. If not, when you wake up in the morning, you're already so stressed that when when the kids have a mental breakdown, you're already at your wit's end when you wake up in the morning. So you're like, oh, just frustrated all the time versus the beautiful energy leaving. I'm sure you've been through all of that. Oh, that's so beautiful. I'm really proud of you. It sounds like um you've been through some adversity, which you can now put on your resume for life. You should be really proud of yourself. And I think it's really important that we keep talking about this stuff. Um, for the listeners, is there anything you want to leave them? I normally leave listeners with like a power question to think about, but you can either do that or you can leave them with some some words of wisdom.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

In terms of what you just said then about like that, you're really proud of me and I should be proud of myself. And I am proud of myself, right? And that is such a an amazing euphoric feeling to have. So, what question I would put to anyone listening is what are the things that you would need to do in the next week, the next month, that when you look back on, you would say, I'm so proud of myself.

SPEAKER_01 41:27

That's huge.

SPEAKER_00 41:29

And that goes back to four months a month. Right. Yeah, it hasn't happened yet. You get to decide how that pans out. So why not do it in a way that you're gonna be proud of yourself? And that doesn't mean that it's gonna work. That doesn't mean that whatever you try is necessarily going to, you know, go smoothly. But it's not about the outcome. I think it's about the intention, it's about the action, right? And what is the way that you go, I did it. I tried that thing, I made that move, I lent into that energy, and I'm proud of myself for doing it. What is that? And then go do it. Yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 42:06

I'm gonna go write that down. That's amazing. Um, all right, my love. Well, tell people where they can find you, where they can follow you, some inspiration. Plug yourself.

SPEAKER_00 42:17

Absolutely. Well, I'm on Instagram and Facebook, Tess Milton Coach. Come along, join in. My website is unearthher.com.au. So if you are navigating a relationship breakdown, you know, you're going through a divorce, and this can be early on. Like I've got women I work with who are still in the same house as the partner that they've had to leave, like very early. And then I've got women who are one woman I'm working with is 10 years post-divorce, and she just never did the work. And her message is never too late is yeah, don't wait as long as I did. Okay. Because she's felt like the last 10 years have almost been paused. So yeah, if you go to the website, there's heaps of resources, lots of free stuff. You can read about my program. Um, it's a five-week program. I'm super passionate about it. And, you know, women that go through the program and show up for themselves and do the work and are ready. They come out saying things like, I've fallen in love with myself. Like I feel stronger than I have in my whole life. I'm excited about my future. Like, and that's in five weeks. And it's just because we're starting to do these little shifts, all this subconscious stuff that's is just it's like this little cap that's just you've got all this potential underneath. There's just a few little things that are keeping it down. And once you start to awareness proceeds change, once you start to have that awareness, you can start to reprogram and shift, and then and then life just gets fucking good from there.

SPEAKER_01 43:47

I love that. That's so powerful.

SPEAKER_00 43:54

This is a probably a controversial thing to say, but I love to look at it as an opportunity of a lifetime because a lot of times women have spent their life being what they think the world wants them to be. Like if I show up this way, I'm gonna be a good wife. If I do this, I'm gonna be seen as a good mom. Like if I keep him happy, then the family stays together and it's happy days. And then suddenly, when it falls apart, it's like for the last however long, might have been decades, I haven't really been showing up in a way that's been a hundred percent true to myself. It's been a little bit, what does I think he needs? What do I think the kids need? And it's fallen apart anyway. So, what was the fucking point of that? And that's when you have this opportunity to do that. What did that do? There's yeah, this opportunity to go, okay, what is life that's in full alignment with who you are look like? And let's go out there and build that. Because some women don't ever get that opportunity. So if you're going through it and it feels hard and it feels sticky and you feel stark, just look at it as something that you will one day be grateful that you went through because it will turn you into something phenomenal.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

I always say that with my friends, like when one of us is going through a bad time, the thing that gets us through, we always look at each other and go, one day we're gonna look back and laugh at this. That that's the intention that we are gonna get through this. And it's not funny right now, but it will be later. So I love that.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

I'll make sure I'm sure you take that moment where you do look back and laugh, Jake.

SPEAKER_01 45:20

I'm gonna have to like video us in the moment so we can be like, ha. Remember how traumatic that was? Ha ha. No, it's great. I love it. I'll make sure I plug all of your stuff in the description. So if you do want to go check Tess out, which I highly recommend, maybe we'll do some stuff together in the future because I just feel so fired right now. Sounds like I love it. Thank you so much for your time today, my love. And hopefully we can speak to you soon.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Pleasure. Thank you, everybody. Bye. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 45:53

Okay, gorgeous. That's a wrap on today's episode of Woke Up With. It's okay. Don't forget to follow the pod, hit that bell, and drop a five-star review for more galaxy find this place too. If you're needing some extra support, confidence tools, and maybe some behind the scenes goodies. Top the link in the description to connect with me and join the community. Until next time, babe, don't forget to shoot yourself, back yourself, and more importantly, remember to wake up worthy.