Your Attachment Style Is Showing

If you’ve ever wondered “why do I keep reacting like this in relationships?” — this episode will help you understand your patterns with more compassion, self-awareness, and clarity.

Why do you overthink texts, get attached so quickly, struggle to let go or constantly find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people?

In this episode, we’re diving into attachment styles and how they shape the way you experience love, relationships, conflict, reassurance and connection.

We unpack anxious, avoidant,and secure attachment styles, where these patterns come from and why healthy love can sometimes feel unfamiliar when chaos is what you’re used to. 

Because you’re not crazy, needy or “too much”… your nervous system is just responding to what it learned

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:29

What's up, my little love buckets? Welcome back to another episode of Wake Up Weddy. How are we going? How has your week been? I hope you guys uh need to work on my introductions. Um, I recently had a friend listen to my podcast and she's like, you know what, Jade? I really just feel like I'm sitting down with you at coffee and we're having a chat. And I'm like, babes, did you not hear my introduction? Like, I subconsciously programmed you to think that. Just kidding. I'm glad. That is like the perfect feedback. That's exactly how I want you gals to feel. Now, in saying that, I'm like, what do I say in my intro? Because my intro songs so good. Like, what do I say? Hey girl, how you been? What's been going on? How do you greet a friend at coffee? That's what I'll work on for you guys. Anyway, had lots of really good feedback from last week's episode. And some people sent me like different mantras or sayings that they actually grew up with, which I didn't even think about. So maybe I'll do a part two of that. And if you guys thought of any that I didn't list, let me know and I will add it in for you. Very cool. So in today's episode, I really want to delve into the theme or the problem challenge, whatever you want to call it, of why we stay in relationships longer than we should. Now, should the word should is a loaded question or a loaded word, sorry, in the coaching world. Because should implies that you don't want to. And ding ding, uh, I don't. That's why that's why I'm listening to this episode. Because I know I should leave, but I don't know how, or I don't want to, or oh, I'm just confused. Help. Okay. So hopefully you're listening to this and you're like, fuck, this is this is what I need right now. If you're if you're the girl that's sitting there, like, and you really are just full of doubt, and maybe you've been thinking about leaving for a really long time, you don't know if it's the right decision, you don't know how, you don't know like if you should, like, you're scared of what's on the other side of this decision. This is for you. And if you have been there, done that like me, this is also for you. Because, you know, we're all about reflecting, and you might want to take all of this advice and give it to someone else in your life that is currently trapped with a fuckboy. No, in all seriousness, let's all listen to this episode. So, honestly, sometimes the hardest relationships to leave aren't the worst ones, they're the ones where you keep hoping things will change. So, two different scenarios here. Are you in like a really bad relationship and you've got some shit going on and you are scared to leave? You don't know if you should leave. I also today though, want to touch on the other side of that where he's not really cheating on you, you know, there's no violence, no yelling, nothing like that. You're like, it just doesn't feel right. I like, is this it? Maybe you're asking yourself that, is is this it? Like, is this a is this it for me? I'm not like miserable, but I'm not fucking ecstatic every day either. Okay. If you're constantly overthinking, you're making excuses, you're waiting for something more, you're waiting for potential. Maybe you're feeling really emotionally drained and you're just terrified to let go. Okay. I want to give you guys permission. You're not weak for staying. Doesn't make you a bad person for staying. You are only human. And I'm assuming, like me, you're compassionate, you're empathetic, and unfortunately, it's gonna sting. You put everyone else before you. Put everyone else before you. And that's why you're in this position, girl. You're not weak for staying, though. Absolutely normal. A lot of people go through it. I just wanted to give you that permission and that context that you're not alone in this. Okay, so today we're gonna unpack why we stay longer than we should, why we ignore what we probably know deep down inside of us, the psychology behind attachment and how to start choosing yourself without guilt. Let's unpack some of the good shit. So, first up, everyone's favorite. We're ignoring red flags and we're romanticizing potential. Okay. Now, red flags is a fancy fun lingo that was made up that actually is referring to what we call our intuition or our gut feeling. Okay? Red flag. My gut said something's off. I just feel icky, it's not right. That little voice in your head that's like, I don't know, babe, I don't know. We see the warning signs early on. We're not stupid creatures. We know from experience. And if not experience, your gut is telling you something's off. But for some reason, we constantly convince ourselves. It's like this, it's like a challenge with our inner self. I'm gonna go to the end of the earth to prove to myself that I'm wrong. You start convincing yourself he's probably just really stressed out. Oh, he's been hurt before, like he's just not himself. He'll change, like he's growing, he's evolving, and then it's like all the good times outweigh the bad times. As women and compassionate human beings, we fall in love with someone's potential, right? We fall in love with the idea of like hope and holding on, like something's gonna change any day now, any day, she says, rocking back and forth, 80 years old on her porch. Any day now. We fall in love with the moments, so maybe you work yourself up to the point where you're like, this is it, I've made my decision, that's it. And he just does something to pull you back into doubt. Well, maybe I should hang around. Like, see, he just showed me a little sign of what I was hoping for. He laid that breadcrumb, right? That's called showing glimpses of who they could be. Now, granted, sometimes this is genuine. People change, people grow. The only way to measure that is by seeing someone's action and behavior. Are they doing the same shit over and over or are they actually getting better? They're growing. In that case, great, hold on, work with them through it. But sometimes this is like a manipulation tactic, whether they do it on purpose or they're a fucking psychopath, manipulation, right? They're they feel like they're losing you, they can see that you're gaining that confidence to make a decision and they go, oh, reel it back in, hook that fish, reel it back in. Here's a sprinkle of like the dream man that you want me to be. And then you go, oh, okay. You've been in such a shit experience and time for such a long time that when they sprinkle a little bit of what you want, to you, that feels like times 10. Times 10. You're like, fuck, he's never bought me flowers before. He must be changing. Hell yeah, I'm gonna stick around. So if you are falling in love with that potential, those small moments, those glimpses of what they could be or what you want them to be, right? You're not dating their potential. You're not dating the version of someone that you really deserve. You're actually dating their patterns, their problems. You don't need inconsistency. That is such a big killer in relationships is inconsistency. Because the need for safety and certainty in a relationship, like, we're not in a movie, I'm not dating an actress or an actor, right? Like, I don't, I don't want to guess how my fucking day is gonna go tomorrow with you. Are we gonna fight? Are we not gonna fight? Am I gonna be disappointed or not? You should know how your life is going to look every day with this person. I want you to take note of the effort or lack thereof, respect or lack thereof, communication or lack thereof. Something that's really important. Are they emotionally available or unavailable? Right? That is the only way to grow together, is emotional availability. You talk through things together, you be honest about your feelings. And I want you to recognize these patterns because you should be saying to yourself, are you normalizing the bare minimum behavior? See, you're setting yourself up for accepting bare minimum so that when they sprinkle it, it keeps you on the hook. You should be in the sprinkle land a hundred percent of the time. It's not something that they show you when you're at your wit's end or when you're ready to leave. Right? They're conditioning you whether they realize it or not. Actually, let's take blame off of the partner, right? Because we can't control how other people think, behave, act, whatever. We are responsible for how we show up in situations and what we choose to do about it. Okay. So you are normalizing their shitty behavior by staying, okay? Let's just reverse that. The second thing I want to talk about. Let us deep dive into the psychology behind why we stay. I absolutely love psychology, the brain, how everything is hardwired, how and why we think, why we do what we do. It's a passion. So, a couple of things that's going on in our brain when we actually make the decision to stay every single time. Some of you might have a fear of abandonment. Okay. What happens if I leave and then I'm on my own? I have nobody. And that's a really real question. But have you actually thought about it? Or do you just ask yourself the question and then that's it? We don't explore it, we don't try it. Like the fear of that alone, your comfort and your idea of a better life is staying in a relationship that does not serve you and you're miserable over the fear of being on your own and being abandoned and being without this person or just anyone in general, right? Some of us have different attachment styles. Okay. So sometimes the reason we stay isn't because the relationship's healthy. Who is the priority in your life? So the way that we learn to experience love, connection, safety, like I've mentioned, this is all developed through childhood. Any big major emotional experience you've had past relationships. Maybe you have inconsistency in love and care. And without realizing it, you're actually carrying those patterns into your adult relationships. So some of them might be anxious attachment styles. Okay. So what that looks like in a relationship is you're overthinking texts and behavior. Maybe he, maybe you say, How's your day going? And he just replies, good. And you're like, fuck, what have I done? He's mad at me. Like, is he with someone else? Why did he just message me back like that? That's that overthinking, right? Why were we holding hands in public? And then a girl walked past and he let go of my hand. I know everyone's listening, like, well, yeah, something's wrong with that. No, babes had an itchy nose, right? But that's the anxiety coming through. Like you just fear the worst in every single situation. Okay. That fear of abandonment will start coming up in an anxious attachment style. Maybe you need constant reassurance because you're not getting it from yourself. Okay. This is why self-confidence is so important in relationships, because if you feed, if your validation is fed from someone else, and unfortunately that someone else can be the person that you're in a shitty relationship with, you then become attached to the need and the desire to be fed reassurance from that awful person. Right? Maybe you really struggle with the idea of when someone starts pulling away, or your interpretation of someone pulling away. Maybe it's easier for you, that pain ratio. I would rather be in a relationship that is hurting me because losing this person feels unbearable. It's like that catastrophizing sense of a mindset. It's like, which pain would I rather? Both of those situations to me seem awful, but this one's less awful in your mind, in your mind, okay? You are confusing inconsistency with passion. That is what I was talking about before. Okay. They're up, they're down, they're up, they're down, they're up, they're down. Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. And you're like, some days when it's good, he's just so passionate, he's so thoughtful. I'm like, no, that's just, you should be like that all the time, right? If you have an anxious attachment style, you will often become hyper-focused on being chosen. So you do everything you can to be picked, to be loved, to be needed, to be chosen. It's like I will do everything I can just to feel accepted. Okay. You become hyper-focused on keeping the relationship together. Like I have to make this work. Because what does it mean to you if it doesn't? What would that mean to you if he didn't choose you, if the relationship fell apart? What would that say? And a lot of us have really deep core belief systems that that would bring forward that you don't even know about, all subconscious. Like, I'm unlovable, I'm not worthy of love, um, everyone I love abandons me, like all this yucky shit will come up, right? That's why we choose to stay in shitty situations, because if I lose all that and I'm not loved or chosen, fuck, all these heavy limiting beliefs will come up and I will think that they are true. Yeah. Even when you know something isn't right, you're staying. Why? Because leaving feels emotionally unsafe. Leaving feels vulnerable and like you're going to be exposed to the worst possible scenario. Okay. Sometimes you're not attracted to that person. You're actually attracted to the hope, the validation, and the emotional relief that that person is giving you. The fear of what's on the other side of that is just that's more compelling being exposed to that than staying with someone. It's not at this point, it's not even about I love this person with my whole life, they're my person. I'm I need to make it work. It's like fuck, being on my own is scary. Right. And whether you consciously say that or have awareness of you, I pumice deep down, like somewhere, that's what's happening, right? We we mask it by saying, I love them. Like they are the love of my life. I was saying this shit when I was 15, 14, 15 years old. I was in a fucking awful relationship. I've spoken about it on my podcast. I'll link it in the description if you want to hear it. But 14 years old, the fucking love of my life was at the time. But I was like, yeah, I'll stay with someone that fucking abuses me because I love that. No, babe. And that's not to take away from anyone that truly feels the emotion of love at the time. But I want you to consider is it easier for your brain to say, I love them with everything I have. That's why I want to make this work, than actually acknowledging I'm fucking terrified of what it means to leave. It means I can't keep a relationship. I'm not being chosen, I'll be rejected. Like, what is actually there that you're covering? Something really important to note if you if you feel like you have this uh anxious attachment style. It can feel like in relationship that those breadcrumbs feel exciting, that they lead you on every now and then with those how exciting moments. The bare minimum, absolute bare minimum, will feel really meaningful for you in that relationship because you're making the bare minimum your normal, and inconsistency will start to feel addictive. Your brain is actually starting to chase relief, reassurance, and emotional highs and lows because you are all over the place. You don't have consistency, you don't have safety, you don't have normalcy in your relationship. So your brain is starved for reassurance, starved for relief. That's why toxic relationships feel so intense, they feel so emotionally draining, right? You are starved of respect and attention, right? And that's not a place you want to be in in a relationship, is where you're like fighting for any sign of love, any sign of comfort. You don't want to be in that place. So, aside from anxious attachment, you have avoidant attachment. This is really important because a lot of you guys are actually going to recognize partners like this. So I'm gonna list what it probably looks like. And if you go, fuck, I haven't been there, or oh my god, I'm currently in this relationship, right? Follow along. So avoidant attachment can look like being emotionally unavailable. Maybe you are struggling with closeness or whatever closeness means to you. You start pulling away when things get really serious. Maybe you shut down emotionally. Like, what's your fight style? Do you just the first sign of like an argument or a disagreement, you're like, oh, I'm out, slam the door, see you later. You value independence over vulnerability. I've got this, I don't need no man, I'll do everything myself. I don't want to rely on someone else, right? Because then I'm exposed and vulnerable. So if you're experiencing all of that, then it probably means you're in avoidant attachment style. And avoidant attachment people in relationships often fear. Fear is a big word, fear dependence, fear vulnerability, fear losing control. So when intimacy in your relationship grow, that connection gets bigger, you meet someone that's like, let me take care of you, you're like, hell no, I'm gonna rely on you. When that intimacy gets deeper, you distance yourself. You're like, absolutely not. And a lot of people um have this belief system that they're gonna be rejected, they're going to be abandoned. So as soon as they start getting close with someone, they pull the plug themselves and they take off running for the hills. Because if I break up with you first, even though I didn't want to, if I break up with you first, then I'm still in control and I'm not hurt. I'm not gonna put myself in a vulnerable open position where you can hurt me. I'm gonna hurt myself. And this creates such a toxic chemistry. Okay. The anxious and avoidant dynamics are very common. So imagine if one of you in the relationship has an anxious attachment and the other one has an avoidant attachment together. One person is chasing connection, like fuck, I need validation. I'm craving love. Like, please tell me that you love me. Please tell me you'll never leave me. Please tell me I'm worth it. And the other is like, oh my God, pulling away. I can't get this deep. Like my wall's up, yuck, need a run for the hills. And this creates like obsession, this really toxic circle of obsession, anxiety, confusion, emotional instability. Like one of you is like, What? I'm trying to get through to them. Like I just want to have a deep conversation. The other person's like, feels so overwhelming for me. I can't, I can't give myself to this person. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? So the relationship probably feels passionate, but really, you're actually just very emotionally unpredictable. It is so unpredictable. Okay. Now there is good news. There is a third attachment style, and this Be the goal for you guys, and it's not even an attachment style, it's just a healthy relationship. Okay, this is what healthy love should and can look like. Okay, secure attachment should feel calm, consistent, emotionally safe, communicative, stable, like you know what's coming. There's no drama, there's no blood pressure issues, there's no heart racing, there's no trust issues. But here's the twist sometimes healthy love feels boring, especially to people that are used to chaos. If you're like used to being in a relationship that feels like a fucking roller coaster, and then you meet someone that's so chill and predictable. You're like, well, where's the drama? And unfortunately, without realizing it, that's when people just fuck shit off on purpose. Have you ever been in a relationship where, like, you're either the really good one in the relationship, your secure attachment, and maybe the other your partner has anxious or avoidant, and everything's going great. You've done nothing to deserve this, and they drop a bomb, they go fucking psycho. It's almost like their subconscious is like, this is too calm. I'm not used to this. That means something bad's coming. I'm gonna do it first, drop the bomb, act weird. Like they're just not used to it, right? Why does it feel boring? There's no chasing, there's no guessing games, no emotional roller coaster. Your fucking nervous system is so used to just absolute chaos. Your brain's like, what what do you what do you mean? What do you mean I'm calm? What do you mean I'm loved? I don't have to fight for your attention, should I? Are you bored? Do you are you sure you love me? Like, I I haven't like chased you. Is this a test? Right? Oh my god. And then it just spirals. But peace can feel unfamiliar when you've been conditioned to mistake chaos for love. Peace should be the goal, not chaos. So if you're picking up on these signs, right, I want you to really consider have I conditioned myself to have chaos as my normal in relationships. And then further to that, have you actually conditioned yourself to look subconsciously for chaotic partners? Chaotic dating history. Right? You meet someone on a date who's charming, super calm, super chill, communicative, emotionally vulnerable, and you're like, what a weirdo. And then you meet some other guy who's a drop kick, treats you like shit, doesn't pay for dinner, calls you a hoe. You're like, ooh, batty. I'm gonna give this one a go. I don't know where that reference came from. It just popped into my head. But you get where I'm going. So it's important to understand attachment styles because they are going to influence and shape what you tolerate, how you communicate, even what actually feels attractive to you, right? Are you attracted to like that bad boy type? You're addicted to the chaos space. Like you're not conditioned for anything else. And are you actually influenced by whether you abandon yourself to keep someone else? Is that how you've been conditioning yourself? Attachment styles are not forever. They you can change them. You can heal, you become more self-aware, even just by listening to this episode. You're being your attention is being brought to your patterns. And again, awareness precedes change. So you can always change things if you know about them. Okay. You'll then be, once you're self-aware, be able to build secure relationships, learn emotional safety. Maybe you might want to ask yourself, are you actually chasing people who pull away? Do you feel addicted to inconsistency? Do you fear being alone more than being unhappy? That's a big one. So back to psychology. We went on a little side tangent. Psychology behind why we stay. So you guys know by now, your nervous system will choose what's familiar before it chooses what's healthy. People stay because leaving for them actually means grieving the future that they imagined. As part of your brain hardwired for what feels good at the time, you have already thought about staying with this person and what that future with them looks like, especially if you've met their family and friends. You're like, well, then there's this whole other layer of things that you have to consider that you're leaving behind if you leave, right? You are always the last fucking person that you consider. People stay also because they fear starting over. Huge task in itself, right? Or you face uncertainty. And then it means admitting reality. So there's a lot of layers and a lot of things that you have to come to terms with if you make the decision to leave. But I promise you that the weight or the emotion with all of those steps is not going to feel as heavy as continuing to put up with or going through what you're going through. Okay. So I want to go more into the fear of leaving and what it actually means. Because obviously, this is probably the biggest one. Whether you get to the actual point in this relationship where you go, this is not for me. I've made the choice, but then you're like stuck in fear. What happens now? Can someone just make the choice for me and like whisk me away? What the fuck is the fear of leaving? So the fear of leaving actually means fear of regret. Am I actually going to regret leaving? Like, what if I actually finally make the choice? I take action and then I change my mind, but he doesn't want me back. Right? I know we've all pondered that. The fear of loneliness. What if I never find someone else? What if I'm alone forever? That's worse than staying in a shitty relationship for this person. Fear of making the wrong choice. Now, I believe as a I am a big believer that there's no right or wrong choice, right? And you never know if it's right or wrong until you fucking make the choice. But I'm also a big believer that you will just make anything work if you really want to. You will figure it out. Like we're adults here. You will figure it out. Everything will be okay. Possibly this fear that if you leave, they'll probably move on. And after time, when you're stuck in this environment, you're stuck in this relationship, yeah. I get it. I ain't gonna take away from that that well, I don't want them to meet anybody else. I probably don't want them, but I don't want them to have anyone else, right? What if I never find any better? This is big for people, and this is a huge indication of low self-worth. Low self-worth. If we're in a shitty relationship, we're not happy, we're miserable. Instead of going, I deserve more than this, we go, what if I don't find better than this? Like, what? Why is the question or statement for ourselves not, I deserve better than this? There is definitely better out there for me, right? It's because we don't value ourselves high enough. We don't have that self-confidence or high image of ourselves where we're like, there'll be no problem that I'll find somewhere else. This fear of being alone, or you won't find anything better than the bare minimum. God forbid. But also sometimes staying feels easier because leaving requires that action. And the opposite of that is like staying requires tolerance. Now remember, if you've been in this relationship, hypothetical or real for a while now, this is already a learned behavior. This is already a condition in your brain that this is what we tolerate. We accept bare minimum, we accept being treated like shit. It's easier to just tolerate than completely change your environment, how you feel about yourself, how you feel about this person, where are you gonna live, how you're gonna get there, how you're gonna pack, all of it. Like that seems chaotic to me, saying that right now, versus tolerance. But you're not just leaving a person, you're leaving comfort, familiar hours. I can never say this word. You're leaving something that's familiar, you're leaving routine and hope. Now we're hardwired for comfort, safety, connection. Now you're telling me I have to just completely abandon that? Yes, because there's something better on the other side, and it starts with loving yourself. So you have to ask yourself which consequence is greater? What costs more to you leaving and being temporarily uncomfortable? Key fucking word here, and this is what people don't realize: temporarily uncomfortable or staying and slowly abandoning yourself and feeling long-term pain. And people don't see that side of things when they're trying to make this decision. Yes, leaving is going to be awful. Yes, leaving is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But so is staying. And the staying option is actually a longer period of pain and uncomfortability versus leaving. You are telling me you don't value yourself enough for temporary pain and uncomfortability. Is that what you are telling me? Is that what you're telling yourself? The pain of staying long term is better and the better choice, the easier choice than being temporarily in pain and uncomfortable. You are going through emotional exhaustion by staying, the constant anxiety. The longer you say stay, the more confidence you are losing. You're becoming smaller, but you're also just delaying your healing. The amount of times you have this conversation with yourself in your head. Should I leave? I'm not happy. Like, how many more times do you want to have the same conversation with yourself? Sometimes the pain, sometimes the pain of leaving is temporary, but the pain of staying is gonna actually become your lifestyle if it hasn't already. So we went through a lot. I do want to wrap up being gentle with you guys. And I I feel like, and it might come across harsh if this is your first episode with me, I apologize, but um, I say it in the assertiveness I do because I have been there. I have been there. I've actually been in a two or three relationships like this, but a huge, huge, huge, huge one when I was in high school. I say it with experience. And every time I quote things or explain how someone feels in this example and then what's on the other side, it's because I'm speaking from my own personal experience. I it's almost like I have permission to say this in an assertive tone because I'm on the other side of it. And I don't know what age you are or what your situation is, but all I can say to you is work on your self-worth and confidence because the more that grows, the easier these decisions will get. Then you don't have to consider what's on the other side of that and how am I gonna get through this? Because you just have this deep knowing in your fucking bones, in your gut, like everything will be okay because I fucking got myself. Like I know it will be okay because I deserve more and more will come to me. And I want to remind you guys that you're not failing because a relationship didn't work, it's not a reflection of you, and you're not weak because it's hard to leave. Okay. I know a lot of a lot of women these positions, they self-blame. Right? Because it's just it's easier to do that, but it's not about self-blame. It doesn't make you a bad person. Love is not meant to cost you your identity, okay? And if it already has or it's starting to, and you feel lost in a relationship, red flag. I know we went through red flags. Healthy love should not constantly confuse you. You shouldn't constantly feel let down or anxious or distrustful. Okay, it should feel calm and peaceful. And the biggest driver is like choosing yourself is not selfish. And I know for a lot of us, again, speaking from experience, when we put ourselves last to everyone else, even in shitty situations, it's like, well, I'd be a horrible person if I abandoned this person. No, choosing yourself is not selfish. But here's the flip side of that. If this helps you decide, staying longer than you should doesn't make you a loyal person. Sometimes it just means that you're actually afraid to choose yourself. Okay, staying does not make you loyal, doesn't make you a better person for putting up with it. Just means that you're actually afraid to choose yourself. And if you want to start choosing yourself, you have to be uncomfortable for a little bit. That's all it is. Which conditioning do you want to go down? Conditioning to put up with the bare minimum, conditioning to be treated like shit, or not loving yourself, or do you want to go through temporary pain and recondition yourself to fucking choose you every time and love yourself? So I'm going to leave you with a power question. I want you to really ask you, are you staying in this relationship because it's healthy? Or are you choosing to stay in this relationship because leaving feels scary? And it's okay if the answer is because it's scary. Like the I think the first step here is just being honest. Stop trying to fucking sugarcoat it with, oh, he needs me, oh, he'll change, I'm waiting. Let's just be honest. I do want to leave. It's just fucking scary. Cool. Step one, be honest with yourself. And then we can work out the rest. That's it. Just be honest with yourself. Alrighty, my loves. Thank you so much for tuning in, and I'll see you next week. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

Okay, gorgeous. That's the wrap on today's episode of Work Up Work. Don't forget to follow the code, hit that bell, and drop the five-star review.