Why you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop

You finally have something good — and it's terrifying you.

Maybe things have been calm, loving, even beautiful lately and instead of enjoying it, you're on edge. Scanning for signs. Picking fights. Pulling away. Waiting for it all to fall apart.

If you've ever felt more anxious during the good times than the hard ones, this episode is for you.

This week we're diving deep into one of the most misunderstood relationship patterns — the anxiety that shows up not when things are going wrong, but when things are going right. We're unpacking where this comes from, what it actually looks like in your day-to-day relationship and why left unchecked, it can quietly destroy the very thing you're desperate to hold onto.

Because here's the truth nobody tells you — learning to let love feel safe is some of the hardest and most important work you'll ever do.

In this episode we cover:

• Why your past has trained your nervous system to distrust happiness
• The sneaky ways this anxiety shows up without you even realising
• How it impacts your partner and the connection between you
• Practical ways to start interrupting the pattern and choosing presence over fear

This one might hit close to home. That means it's exactly what you need to hear.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Wake Up Worthy, the podcast that feels like the friend who hypes you up and tells you the truth. I'm your host, Jade, and this is your one-stop shop for confidence, empowerment, relationships, and all things us girls are secretly overthinking at 2 a.m. So grab your coffee, girl, get comfy, and let's yap our way into the most confident, worthy version of you. Because babe, you didn't just wake up, you woke up worthy. What's up, my little love buckets? Welcome back to another episode of Wok Up Worthy. I hope you guys are having a great week so far. I got up this morning to go to Pilates and it was so cold that my face was hurting. You know, when it just feels like needles are like stabbing in your face, it's so cold. We are definitely in winter here in Australia. Good chance to get all your puffer jackets and everything else. Your beanies, everything that makes you nice and snug. Lucky for me, uh, my partner is a walking heater. So I literally just have to touch him. And I feel like incubated is great. Not great in summer, great in winter. So I'm nice and snug. So this week I want to go through the topic of anxiety when things are going too well in a relationship. We all have those moments where we're kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is too good to be true. Something is wrong. I'm assuming a lot of us have had that feeling, right? We're in this moment, it's a really good moment, and instead of just enjoying it, you're in a critic or that inner voice, and your brain's whispering, this is not gonna last, Jade. Maybe things have been calm for a few weeks, and instead of feeling grateful, you're feeling on edge, like something's about to happen, something is on the verge of happening. We're waiting, we're embracing. It's almost like happiness itself is a warning sign. You know, normally, if we're not wired this way, happiness and feeling content, that's a good feeling, right? But for some of us where we have these ang this anxious feeling and these patterns, which I'll go through in this episode, to us it's kind of like red flag, like things are going too well, right? If that sounds familiar for you. Lou, oh Baba. Come here. Hi, do you want to call me on your episode? Sure thing. Sorry about that. My cat has decided she wants to be on this episode. So she's just forced the door open, and you might hear her eating her biscuits in the background, but it is what it is. So yeah, if that situation kind of sounds familiar for you, I want to reassure you, you're not broken. But there are some patterns going on for you that have been robbing you of the love that you actually deserve to feel, and the happiness, the peace, the calm that you deserve to feel. So today I'm gonna talk about what it means to wait for the other shoe to drop in a relationship, why women have actually been through pain, find it almost impossible to trust when things are going well, and what it's actually costing you. So we can get rid of it and carry on happy as Larry. So, firstly, I want to cover where does this come from? You know, why is it actually happening to me? I'm noticing this pattern. The first point is maybe you grew up in an unpredictable household, right? You grew up where love or safety was inconsistent, and it actually taught you that good moments are temporary. Like you're learning that just because something's good and something's peaceful, something's about to change. Like that never lasts, right? So you learn to stay alert. You don't settle in that moment and you don't kind of slow down and enjoy the moment. If anything, because those moments are so short and rare, it puts you in this vital flight mode where you go, this isn't gonna last long. This is normally like a prerequisite to some tumultuous event going down in the household. If you're in a constant state of the roller coaster up and down, good moments are normally followed by absolute chaos, then yes, you carry that pattern subconsciously in any positive, happy moment in your life, especially in relationships. It also comes from the possibility of having relationships that absolutely destroyed us. You know, you've probably been burnt before. So maybe you had a partner who was really loving one day and cold and probably mean to you the next day. So your body remembers even when your mind is trying to move on, your body is kind of like this armor for you that holds all of the subtle signs. Because remember, we're hardwired to feel safe and something to protect us. So every time you're put in this position where just because he's nice, don't forget he also has a nasty side, right? So your body's almost like adapting and writing notes. Your body, it is like it's creating its own manual for you, for life, for your mindset. Take note. When they are nice to us, it is then followed by throwing it back in our face. So even if you meet someone in the future that's not like that, your body is taking out that written manual and going, okay, this person's being nice to us. Don't you forget this is the rule that we've set for ourselves, or this is what we've been taught based on our past in that other relationship. This person's probably going to do the same because it's just going off of the manual that was written for you. Another possibility of where this may have come from for you is that sense of hypervigilance, right? As a survival skill. Hypervigilance is a heightened state of psychological and sensory awareness. So it's actually your nervous system that's constantly scanning for dangers, threats. It's always on edge, even if you're not in danger. It's often a symptom of like trauma, PTSD, and a lot of people with anxiety are most of the time hyper-vigilant, right? Because they're just on edge. They're like something's gonna happen to me. Something bad is gonna happen. So if you've ever been through trauma or PTSD or something in your past that happened where your body and your brain now feel like they have to be on alert all the time. I need to be hyper aware of my surroundings and who I'm talking to and what's being said to survive. Okay. It kept you safe in the moment that you needed it. But the problem is that it now doesn't know how to turn that off. Like we spoke with the analogy of your brain writing a manual for how you survive and how you operate. It just carries that manual since that event into every other event in your life. So even if you're in a positive, happy relationship, your brain's like, where is the danger? Like, when's it coming? How's it gonna happen? Something like that. So another place where this could have come from you is if you have a pattern of being blindsided. We all know that word. If you've been cheated on, if the breakups come out of nowhere, you had someone leave you without warning. So for some of us, that might be in childhood. Like, did any of your parents take off? Did any of your relationships, the person just kind of out of nowhere was like adios and took off or broke up with you? That the point is, like, you didn't see it coming. You didn't have a warning, right? So your brain, remember that manual analogy, your brain makes a vow to you in that moment that you were first blindsided. Because like shock and the feeling of being blindsided, it's probably not a positive feeling or reaction to your brain. So it goes, whoa, like I don't want to feel like this anymore. So it makes a vow and adds to that manual in your brain, we're never gonna be caught off guard again. So when you do end up in those positive situations in a relationship, like you meet someone that's probably super reliable, trustworthy, like they make you really happy. Your brain's like, mm-mm, this is a sign. Like we felt like this before and they left, right? I loved my parents and they left. I loved that person and he fucking ditched me and left. So your brain doesn't go like it's not wired to go, oh, that was a one-time thing. It's wired to pick up patterns, right? It likes consistency that it's it's wiring you in how you develop and how you form. So if you had those experiences in younger years, it goes, cool, this is now my manual. This is my rule, this is my Bible that I'm going to follow. So happiness starts to feel like danger to your brain. The last point I'll probably make in terms of where this may have come from for you is you may have grown up without having a safe love model, right? So did you grow up with parents that were constantly fighting, on and off, like dangerous situations, just unloving. So if you never saw a stable, loving relationship growing up, you genuinely don't have a reference point for what quote unquote normal and good feels like. What you do have a reference point for is chaos. Chaos, fighting, arguing, on and off, abandonment, blindsided, whatever you, whatever you experience. So your brain is writing that manual and goes, chaos is normal, right? Chaos is normal. Unpredictable is normal. So the opposite of that, when you enter a relationship that is peaceful, your brain is hyper alert. It goes, this is suspicious. This is not what I was taught that a good relationship is. So something's up. Who are you? Like you're a serial killer if you're trying to make me happy, right? So that's how the brain works. If you grew up watching not great love, not happy, healthy relationships, then yes, happy, healthy relationships will feel suspicious to your brain. And obviously, then we react differently. We have defense mechanisms that we put up and we kind of withdraw and we make excuses to leave. That's how it can eventually mold itself in relationships in your adulthood. So the second point I want to make is I want to talk you through what it can actually look like day to day. Um, because remember, we have these moments that happen to us in childhood or when we're younger that some of them can go subconscious. Like you're not aware that these are your patterns. You're not aware that these are your rule books for your brain, right? So, unless we have absolute awareness of them, they show up in different aspects in our adulthood stemming from those core subconscious beliefs and rules. Okay. So, what does it look like as an adult in your day-to-day life? So you may find yourself mentally spiraling during good moments. You're on a really lovely date, you're being really cared for, he's complimenting you, uh, you're having a really good time, right? And your brain goes into fucking overdrive. I love um watching cartoons or even what's that movie? The movie Inside Out. Fucking love it. And it's so smart, right? So I picture when when you're like calm on the outside, but your mind is going a million miles an hour. I picture those little cartoon things running around your head, like alarms going off. Emergency, alert, alert, alert, something's wrong, something's wrong. This is not a drill. That is exactly what's happening. Okay. So your brain starts catastrophizing, it's running through the worst possible scenarios. But you on the outside, you're like smiling, you're like, yeah, this is great. But your brain's already finding an exit, it's already deciding all the things you don't like about this person, and you're like, fuck, how do I get out of here? Right. So it'll always try and find the bad in those good moments, and it's not doing it to purposely sabotage you. It's its defense mechanisms based on your subconscious patterns and rules. Okay. What you may find yourself doing day to day at the moment is picking fights out of nowhere. Right. So subconsciously, we are creating conflict to release the tension of waiting, like waiting for that shoe to drop, waiting for that person to hurt me first. I'm gonna do it first. And it's obviously not consciously intentional. You don't wake up and go, how can I fuck my partner's day up today? Right. Your brain, because it's full of chaotic thoughts and you're probably spiraling without even realizing you're like, I'm gonna pick a fight, because then, you know, I've kind I have the upper hand here. I'm remaining in control. I know where this is going, right? My brain pulls out that manual and goes, mm-mm, this is not gonna end well. We might as well fuck it up now. And it's almost a relief for your subconscious and your mind when something goes wrong, because at least the uncertainty is over. And remember, I said previously that your brain, it likes knowing, it likes that pattern recognition, it likes a sense of like familiar being, I can't say this word. It likes the sense of familiarity. It likes it when things are familiar. So when it ends because you've picked the fight, you're like, yeah, see, saw that coming. Saw that one coming. Of course, you left. That happened to me when I was younger, right? Another point where you may find yourself day to day is you're pulling away right when things get close, right when things are like perfect, they're smooth sailing. The moment when real intimacy starts to build, something in your brain clicks and you retreat, right? You're always busy, you start withdrawing, maybe you're ghosting, maybe you start finding yourself making excuses. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you don't like this person or you don't want to hang out with them. But subconsciously, your brain's probably trickling all these little thoughts in there, like, babe, you know, he's gonna leave you, you know, he's gonna blindside you, like he's definitely about to cheat on you. This is this is too risky. Something feels off here and it starts filling your mind with doubt where you go, okay, maybe I should pull back. Like, I feel like I'm gonna get hurt, I don't want to risk this. So you start making all those excuses and reasons to pull back, right? Because closeness feels like the most dangerous place to be. It's like you're about to fucking jump off a cliff into happiness. Do you know what I mean? But it doesn't feel happy in your brain. The other point, so what you may be doing day to day is you're looking for proof that something is wrong. You're analyzing every single text reply, you're reading into a tone of voice, scanning their face for signs. You know, essentially you're building a case against your own happiness. Like conscious, physical being you has this beautiful potential relationship in front of them. The guy treats you really well, you're really happy, you're really peaceful, but your brain's like, this is not, I don't understand. Like, this is not the rules. This is not what a good relationship is, remember? Because it's going off of those previous patterns. Yeah. So your brain can't comprehend the two. It's not what the brain is used to. So your brain is like, okay, get the get the fucking manual out. There must be a sign here that I'm right. There must be a sign that he's gonna leave us. There might be a sign that he's already cheating on us, there might be a sign that he's lying or whatever it is. So your brain starts looking for those things, right? And that's where the spiraling and stuff happens as well. Because especially if it's not happening and it's not there, we're literally driving ourselves insane, trying to look for this proof that something is wrong. Instead of the probably obvious, easy choice is to just actually relax and be at peace. You're finally in this loving, peaceful relationship, but we can't enjoy it. We can't be in the moment because our brain alarm bells in our head are going off. Like this feels weird. I've never experienced this before. It must mean I'm not safe, I'm not happy, I'm not okay. So let's like find the one bit of proof we need to go, aha, I was right, I'm out of here. Last point in terms of what you may be experiencing is maybe you're not able to celebrate relationship milestones. So anniversaries, moving in together, meeting the family, moments that should feel joyful. You should feel closer and more connected to your partner every time you hit a really important milestone in your relationship. But instead of feeling happy and joyful, it's triggering in your mind anxiety. The closer you get to this person, the closer you are to that edge. Right? So you're unable to be in the moment and actually appreciate how much your relationship is progressing in a positive way. Because every time you get closer in your head, you're pulling away further and further because you're like, eep, happiness, and a strong relationship is not the right choice based on what I was taught growing up. So let's get out of here. So my third point, I'm gonna shine some light if you haven't picked up on it already, is how this is actually damaging the relationship or the possibility of even being in one, right? So your partner will probably start to feel like they can never win with you. In their mind, they're all good. They're like, I don't understand, I'm being nothing but supportive and protective of you and happy and healthy, and I feel like I'm a good partner. I don't understand why you're treating me like walking on eggshells around me, right? So no matter what they do, it's never quite good enough for you. And that's not saying that it has to be in your face, you're never good enough for me. It's not an ego thing, right? In your mind, you're like, I just don't trust that this is safe. I don't trust that this is good. So over time, the exhaustion from them of trying to reassure you everything is okay, it starts creating resentment from for them, but also for you, right? And neither of you can fully understand or explain why. There's two parts of both of you. Both of you are like, well, nothing's actually happened yet, right? But I just I'm anxious, like I'm waiting for something to happen because that's the rule that's in my book, in my head. Something's about to happen. It's been three years, but it's still coming, right? It's still coming. And then obviously your partner's like, I can't, I can't keep up with this. I don't have to convince you that I love you and I'm I'm happy and you know, I'll look after you. So that's how we're fucking shit up. Maybe intimacy has a ceiling in your relationship. There's only so close that you'll allow things to get before the walls go up, right? Especially if you've been through trauma or anything similar. Your partner senses it even if they don't quite understand that it's happening, right? Like physically, we're withdrawing, pulling away, mentally. The relationship will always stay surface level. Even if deep down you probably want more, doesn't feel safe to explore further, to become more intimate and connected. Because remember, it's like that cliff analogy. The closer you get, the more closer you are to jumping off the edge or falling off the edge, right? It's not safe. I don't want to put myself out there and risk that you abandon me or risk that you cheat on me. You may have this sense of self-fulfilling prophecy. So a powerful one. A pushing away, the testing, the emotional distance. All of that can actually cause the very outcome that you feared, right? Remember, in our heads, we're probably trying to self-sabotage it so that some part of our brain can go, see, I was right. But we never actually have awareness that we actually caused that. And if we dealt with everything and got out of our own fucking way, they probably wouldn't leave, right? But our brain can't comprehend that. So because we push them away, because they feel like they're not good enough or they can never win, or we just don't get it, they leave. And everything that you feared happened. And the relationship ends not because it was bad, but because the anxiety and our subconscious slowly broke it down, slowly dismantled what was and could have been a really beautiful, strong, happy connection. And then, if that happens, especially over and over again with different relationships, not only is that not great for you, but you're you're actually building on that rule in your head. You're building on that rule book. You're going, yep, knew it. He left. Yep, of course he shaded on me. And because it keeps happening constantly, it reinforces that doubt for you. It reinforces that fear. It reinforces that that is the norm for you. And you keep settling for less and less and less because in a fucked up way, you're showing yourself, I was right, this is what I expect now. And all of these self-sabotaging behaviors probably get worse because you're like, I can predict this now. This is just normal for me. I knew this is what a relationship was supposed to be like. You might probably never be present as well. So if you manage to stay in your relationship, your partner's sharing their life with you because you're there physically, but emotionally, you're somewhere else. And especially if you've got a life. Alarm bells going off, you're spiraling, you're catastrophizing, you're looking for signs that this is too good to be true. Where's the proof? You're just absent, absent-minded there physically, but not willing to like give yourself to them, right? Because it's risky. So that absence is felt definitely from your partner, but probably for yourself as well. And a lot of this stuff that we're doing is subconscious. So we just don't get it. We're like, I don't understand. Why do I not, why do I feel you pulling back when in fact you're the one pushing them away? Right. And then last point for how it's damaging your relationship is that conflict becomes the main language of connection. When you've unconsciously learnt that tension is normal and calm, peace, happiness is suspicious closer to the edge, arguments are going to start feeling more intimate than peace and tenderness. And you can imagine what kind of toxic cycle that creates. And that's really hard to break without awareness. Awareness is the first step to everything. So obviously more work after that. But if you're not aware that you're doing all of these self-sabotaging behaviors, it's just gonna become a huge toxic cycle for you. Okay. So now I told you, great, I'm aware that I'm a fucking piece of shit and I'm ruining my life. I'm just kidding. But here's how you can actually start interrupting those patterns. So, number one, you're gonna name it in the moment. And I'm not saying like saying it out loud, but perhaps just a thought, having the awareness or writing it down. Obviously, communication and saying things out loud is the golden standard, okay? It's a simple but powerful practice of saying to yourself, I am waiting for something to go wrong right now. Huge. Saying it out loud, writing it down, saying it to your partner. Awareness is the first interruption. It's the first interruption to that pattern. And unless you actually say that to your brain, it's it's like your brain based on the past is running the show. But adult you, who's no longer in a scary, sad, traumatic relationship, deserves to have a different rule book written, right? You can't change what you're not acknowledging. I just want to say that again. Unless you have awareness or and you acknowledge what you're thinking and what you're doing, it's not going to change. The pattern will just keep reinforcing itself. So another point is you need to regulate your nervous system first and then reframe second. So you can't logic your way out of a body-based response. So when you're reacting to something physically, yelling, behaving in a certain way, whatever it is, that's a body-based response, you can't talk your way out of that. You can't think and reason with yourself when you are feeling the fear, feeling the anger, feeling the chaos. So practical tools like literally deep breaths. Anytime you're anxious, anytime you're overwhelmed or going through body-based responses, breathing, it sounds so simple, is huge. So grounding yourself in that moment. So bring the nervous system down before trying to challenge the thought. Okay. The other, it's similar to if you've ever had a friend that's like super pissed off and you just go calm down and they lose it, right? It's the same thing. It's like telling your brain at the point of fucking jumping off that cliff to go like trying to interrupt that, right? We gotta calm down so that it's able to receive new thoughts, able to have that pattern and thought process challenged in the first place. Okay. Another good point. Have a really honest conversation with your partner. And I know this sounds scary and probably really hard, especially if one of your patterns is like having stuff thrown in your face when you say it, or you can't trust anyone. I get it. Having a conversation with your partner honestly, to reiterate is not an excuse to reinforce the patterns, to accuse them of anything, or have all those old patterns behaviorally. Okay. It's an act of being vulnerable and again, bringing awareness to those patterns. So you might say something like, Sometimes when things are really good between us, I feel anxious and I can sense myself pulling away. I just want you to know that I'm working on it, right? Something as simple and a single conversation like that can change the dynamic entirely. Because remember, your partner is in this state of like, I don't get it. I'm trying everything I possibly can to reassure her that she keeps fucking yelling at me or keeps ghosting me or whatever it is. So you saying that, they then have awareness of what's going on in your head as well. So they can change how they approach things. Another point. I call it a proof folder, right? Or build new evidence for yourself or start writing that new manual in your brain. Today you need a different set of rules for life. Today you have different opportunities, different exposure, different experiences, right? And you deserve to have a different rule book that you're following. So intentionally start collecting proof that contradicts those patterns. Start finding new proof that contradicts the old manual. So every time something good happens and nothing bad follows, write it down. Every time something good happens and nothing bad happens after, write it down. So instead of sitting in this state of anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop, it's like you're cutting off that thought and going, something good's just happened. Whereas normally you would refer to, fuck, that means something terrible's about to happen. You go, yep, on purpose, something good just happened. I feel good. This is what they did. I feel positive. I'm excited for the next good thing that's about to come. So your brain goes, What do you mean there's a possibility that good comes after good, comes after good, comes after good? Right? You're interrupting that pattern and you're building evidence that that's possible. Literally rewiring the narrative to your brain's default, interrupting it. So I know for a lot of us, this might be hard, especially if that pattern is super strong in our head, but we need to learn to tolerate joy and happiness in small doses. We're not going to wake up tomorrow and forget all those patterns and go, everything is awesome. Everything is cool when you're part of a team. No, it's you don't just wake up like that the next day because you decide to. You have to practice. Practice being okay with small moments of peace and happiness. Okay. A nice morning, a good conversation. Practice being present in those moments instead of turning it to catastrophe, instead of turning it to chaos. Even just instead of assuming that chaos is on the horizon, learn to appreciate that, you know what, this is a good thing and everything's going to be okay. Expand your capacity for good. And gradually, the same way that you built any other muscle, this becomes your new norm. Interrupting that pattern is all about learning to recognize the triggers in real time, right? And the ability to sit with discomfort of good rather than just running from it or trying to sabotage it. Intentionally practice present in the safe moments and the happy moments and understanding that choosing to trust, trust the moment and trust yourself is not naivety. It's courage. Okay. You can't change things unless you get outside your comfort zone and accept that there's more for you out there. So to summarize, waiting for the shoe to drop is probably one of the quietest and most misunderstood forms of relationship anxiety. A lot of you probably didn't even realize that you were doing this until hearing this today. And it doesn't always look like panic or fear. Sometimes it looks like distance, arguments, and they can come out of nowhere. Or maybe it's just never quite letting yourself be happy. It's almost like a wound from the past that's showing up constantly in your present moment. Most important thing for you guys to understand is that your nervous system has learned to do this to keep you safe. It's just trying to keep you safe based on what it thought it was supposed to do. You did what you had to do in those moments in the past, but now you are allowed to teach yourself something new. You are allowed to kind of be vulnerable and allow yourself to see that things get better. Good things can come. And good things come often. Okay. You just have to have that awareness. So here's a little power question for you guys. Where in your relationship are you secretly bracing for something to go wrong? Where in your relationship are you secretly bracing for something to go wrong? And is it possible that what you're most afraid of losing is something you haven't yet allowed yourself to fully have? Again, is it possible that what you're most afraid of losing is something that you're not even giving yourself the chance to have or embrace or to have already and be grateful for it. Right? That is it, my loves. I will see you guys next week. Bye. Okay, gorgeous. That's a wrap on today's episode of Woke Up Worthy. If this spoke to you, don't forget to follow the pod, hit that bell, and drop a five-star review so more gals can find this space too. If you're needing some extra support, confidence tools, and maybe some behind the scenes goodies, tap the link in the description to connect with me and join the community. Until next time, babe, don't forget, choose yourself, back yourself, and more importantly, remember you woke up worthy.