The conversation you're avoiding

Ever found yourself saying, "That's not what I meant" or expecting someone to know you're upset without actually telling them?

In this episode, we're unpacking one of the biggest reasons relationships, friendships and even family dynamics break down: communication. 

We dive into why assumptions create conflict, how unspoken expectations turn into resentment, the importance of timing and active listening and why taking ownership of the way we communicate can completely transform our relationships.

Because healthy communication isn't about winning arguments, it's about creating understanding

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Wake Up Worthy, the podcast that feels like the friend who hypes you up and tells you the truth. I'm your host, Jade, and this is your one-stop shop for confidence, empowerment, relationships, and all things us gals are secretly overthinking at 2 a.m. So grab your coffee, girl, get comfy, and let's yap our way into the most confident worthy version of you. Because, babe, you wake up. You woke up worthy. What's up, my little love buckets? Welcome back to another episode of Woke Up Worthy. I hope you guys are having a fantastic week. Apologies again for my absence. I have been very sick. I had tonsillitis and had to go on antibiotics for 10 days, and I was fine for one day. And then I picked up a bug from my partner and I was sick again for a week. And I did attempt to sit down and record, but my throat or my tonsils, whatever happens when you have tonsillitis, was so swollen that I sounded like Daffy Duck. Just wasn't a good time. So in saying that, I do want to mention some thoughts that I had around this time. That obviously people value different things, right? And people are inspired and motivated by different things and especially whatever goals they've got going on at the time. And for me, I really value my health above anything. So that means I prioritize rest. Now, sometimes I wouldn't go as far as saying guilt, but you do I do have those thoughts where I'm working toward a deadline at the moment, like with my program launching and everything. And, you know, it's frustrating that I was sick for two weeks, where, you know, you're kind of laying in bed and I chose to rest, right? I chose to rest, but then it's just frustrates me where I'm like, oh, I had so much to do. Like, should I get up? Should I do it? And I didn't. I chose to rest. And I wanted to just say that because I know a lot of like entrepreneurs or other people that maybe you look up to have their own philosophy of like, you know, you just grind, you hustle, doesn't matter how sick you are, like you get it done, you prioritize it. And that works for some people. And they're probably get there sooner than I would because I prioritize rest. But I just wanted to say there's no right or wrong way about approaching your goals or your week or whatever you're working toward. Like, have a have a big think about like what's really important to you and be okay with doing it that way. And I just have been really wanting to say that because I've kind of gone through it the last couple of weeks. I was like, fuck. Like I had so much to do. But I was like, I also just want to lay down and rest. So I chose to do that. So sorry you missed me. But I'm back. I'm good. Still very like tired and out of breath. So if I sound like I'm dying, I'm not, I promise. I'm just just recovering, you know? So today I wanted to go a little bit deeper and more detailed into communication. I have done a couple of episodes on the pod before regarding communication. It is one of my highest valued things in a relationship and just life in general. If you have the ability to have good communication skills, you'll get far. Do you know what I mean? So it's just such an important thing, especially with relationships. So for me, or for you guys perhaps, like have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, shit, like that's not what I meant. I feel like it came across the wrong way, or I didn't quite land what I wanted to say. Or do you find yourself thinking, well, how do they not get it? Like, why are they not listening to what I'm saying? I've made it quite clear, right? Or have you been frustrated because someone didn't change a behavior? But then you realize maybe actually, if I think about it, I didn't really tell them that it annoyed me.

unknown 4:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

And I guess the big theme in today's episode is like communication isn't about mind reading. We need to be so literal, right? I think communication is one of the biggest reasons that relationships struggle. Not because people don't care, but because we're expecting people to understand things that we've never actually communicated. Or maybe we did try and communicate them, but just not to the best of our ability. Okay, so today's episode is all about becoming better at talking. Right? It's about becoming better at being understood because communication isn't about what you say, it's what the other person understands. Let that one sit with you. When I did my when I did my coaching certifications over a couple of years, and when I was doing my own personal development workshops, like for myself in my younger 20s, they touched on a lot of communication stuff. And the biggest thing with communication that I teach my clients as well is ownership. How did you communicate your feelings? How did you communicate your boundaries? No one unfortunately can read your mind. So we have to take ownership in terms of how we deliver things to give people the best opportunity to understand us, right? I've said it before on this podcast in terms of handing people a manual that is you. Communication is the language in that manual, right? So speaking of communication manuals, let's let's dive into this a little bit more, okay? Every single person communicates differently. It doesn't matter, well, it does kind of matter, but it doesn't to a certain extent matter how much training, experience, skill set someone has in the art of communication, because emotion is normally tied to communication, timing, environment, all those kind of things, which we will go into later. Some people, and you might hear about this when people talk about like their fight style. Communication styles are a thing as well, right? Some people need time before discussing conflict. Other people need it to be solved immediately. Some people are looking for reassurance or validation in the moment. Other people just want space to be left the hell alone, right? Some people communicate directly. They say what they need, say what they feel directly in the moment. Others kind of tiptoe around it, others hint, others tell a story, others are like one-sentence people, right? None of them are wrong. They're just different styles of communication. Okay. And imagine if every single person that you came across had an instruction manual. How much quicker and easier would it be to build relationships with people if we could just have a quick read of their manual first, right? And the the manual could include questions like, how do you prefer to receive feedback? What makes you feel heard? How do you communicate when you're upset? Or what do you need after an argument? What makes you feel safe during conflict? What's your apology language? Ooh. What's your fight style? Like, what do you need after we argue? And we spend years learning someone's coffee order. Your best friend or your partner, if you went down to the cafe right now, you could order it for them before you messaged what they wanted. But I bet you you couldn't answer the above questions. If you can, great. You're halfway there to great communication, right? Because you're you're spending the time asking these things, right? And what the worst thing you can do in communication is assume that people communicate and receive information the same way you do. Okay. So the second thing I want to go through that's really important in your communication training. Okay. Timing changes everything. So it's one thing to take into account people's different styles of communication. Okay. And then you have to consider the timing. It's such an underrated communication skill, right? Because sometimes it isn't what you say, it's when. Right. An example is your mid-fight. They have already brought something up, right? They're the one with the qualms. They're like, well, this is what you did and it pissed me off. But you've been holding on to something that they did months ago, right? You never said anything and you're like, all right, well, now that we're on the topic, this is what you did two months ago and it pissed me off, right? Not great timing. So uh try not to have a hard conversation during like mid-heated point in an argument. And possibly when someone's just got home from work, when someone's overwhelmed, when their emotions are clearly already at capacity, like 100%, right? There's this thing called emotional flooding, which is why we take timing so seriously, is we don't want to just keep piling shit on when someone's already at their capacity or breaking point. Because they're probably not receiving anything you're saying. They're not able to rationalize what you're saying. Like they're shut off from it, right? It's actually a scientific thing that when you're when you are emotional, like that part, your decision, logical thinking part of your brain kind of switches off because it draws all its attention and energy to fuck, fight or flight. Like I'm feeling emotions right now. So it's probably the same with communication. You can't expect them to give you the space to deeply listen to what you're saying, kind of like take it in, interpret it. What do I think about the information I just received, and then respond accordingly if you bring something up when they are just losing their mind. Some things like I'd love to talk about this later when we've both had the time to think. So you're kind of acknowledging that you want to talk about it further. You're acknowledging it's not the right time, but you're not putting it under the, what's it called, shoving it under the carpet, right? You're not throwing it in the cupboard and locking the key. You're saying, I do want to talk about this, but I'm recognizing that this is not the right time. I do this um or have done this in leadership positions before at work, right? When you do need to have like an assertive, kind of semi-serious conversation with someone, always ask how they are. There's been multiple times where I've had to have like a pretty serious discussion with people at work, and I'm like, how are you going? What's going on? How are you feeling? They tell me that something personal is going on and that's why they've been off and they're just like in tears in my office. I'm like, I'm probably not gonna fire you right now. Like, give it a day, right? It's just not the right time. Like, you have to be mindful of that kind of stuff, right? They're not able to hear my feedback, they're not able to discuss their side of things. They've already got shit going on, it's not the right time. Tonality, my god, tonality. All these things like flood back to me in terms of people with attitude, even as far as like resting bitch face. Like we we always make assumptions based on our interpretation of like body language and their tonality, right? Which is why it's really tricky to have serious discussions over written communication, so like texting, emails, whatever, because you cannot pick up on their tone. If you're just reading wording, you're interpreting and kind of making an assumption on how they have verbally said what you're reading and making up the tone. So they could be super calm and like messaging you about something and you read it as them having a bit of an attitude or something, not a fact, you're filling in the gaps and the blanks yourself, right? So tonality is really important when choosing do I have a verbal conversation about this topic or written. One of the really good things when we talk about sales, right? One of the most important things in rapport building is matching people's tonality. So if I have someone on the phone who is super quick, excitable, loud, I'm gonna match that tone to build rapport. If someone speaks really slowly, maybe they're soft, they're timid, you know, the complete opposite of the first example, then I'm gonna match their tonality. Like they just feel comfortable, they feel reassured, they feel safe with me. That's not just in sales, that's the people that you're speaking to in front of you as well. Okay, that's why tonality is really important. But when we go back to the timing of things, tonality is normally a trigger that either escalates or de-escalates an argument. How many of us have been having like a civil discussion with our partner? You're like, I can tell it's getting a bit, it's getting further toward the heated zone. And it just takes one person to change their tone, and it's almost like they're opening the door. The tonality opens the door to K cool game on. Like, you're the first person to raise your voice. I'm now gonna match your fucking voice, and it just keeps going up and up and up, right? Tonality, super important in timing and how you read people and how you communicate with people. So the exact same sentence can land completely differently depending on the delivery, right? This is why, if we're able to, right? This is why we don't discuss important things like in the heat of the moment, is if you're already very emotional, you could say the exact same thing in a calmer setting, exact same words, but it lands differently and triggers the person you're talking to in a different manner. It could escalate or de-escalate, right? The exact same sentence, wording, it's just a tonality shift really dictates, obviously, based on assumption as well, but it primarily dictates your intentions in the conversation, your energy, your focus, like just by reading someone's tonality. The next one, this is huge for me. And I always kind of not in like a coachy way, but I always challenge my friends when they're really upset about something and they say this is stop filling in the blanks. Assumptions will kill communication, right? Assumptions kill communication. So it's it's kind of like a combination of assumption and then having active listening skills. I just want to reiterate what active listening is. Active listening is the intent to understand, not respond. I'm gonna say it again. I preach this from the mountaintops. Active listening is the intent to understand, not respond. So, what that means as an example, if you are in a conversation with someone, more or less it's when you're arguing with someone, you're not listening to what they're saying if you're already thinking about what you want to say next. If they say a sentence and you're already thinking of all the ways that you can prove that sentence wrong or defense or combatitive, like whatever it is, you're not actively listening. Good communication skills have good active listening. A good conversation and outcome require active listening because the whole purpose of communicating back and forth is to understand each other's perspectives, right? Hear each other out. And you can't do that if you're away with the fairies already thinking of like, how can I defend this moment, right? Interrupting, huge sign that someone's not actively listening. Interrupting is my fucking pet peeve. And it's really hard for me because I'm ADHD. So I have to say things sometimes in the moment, otherwise I forget. Like by the time that I really try and listen to their full sentence, and I'm like, I can I just write down what I want to say because if I have to listen to you finish, I'm not gonna remember what I have to say. Like, I know that goes against everything I just said, but like it's a struggle. But going through all the training I did and being a professional coach, my active listening skills are on point. On point. Because if you interrupt, if people keep interrupting you, clear-cut sign, you haven't just listened to what I've fucking said, because you've clearly just been spending this time thinking about what you're gonna say next, to the point where you can't even wait for me to finish my sentence. It's so rude and it's my biggest pet peeve, honestly. I hate it. So let's go back to assumptions for a little bit, right? With filling in the blanks. Is what you're thinking about or what you want to say or what they've said, is it based on a fact? Has it actually happened? Have they actually said this? Have you seen it with your own eyes, right? Or is this a story that you're telling yourself? This is huge. How many times are we really pissed off by something? Because we've probably come up with a story in our own head, or we've exaggerated it in our own head and be really careful with this when you're arguing. When someone says something, they're trying to communicate how they're feeling. A lot of the time we either change the word they've used or we kind of move it in a different direction, not on purpose, but we go, oh, well, you said this and you said that and you use this word. And it's like, well, I actually didn't. If you're listening, or if you scroll back up and read my messages, I have not used that word. So we are assuming that this person feels this way. Because one, we haven't listened or we haven't read the wording that they've actually used to describe their situation and their feeling, because we've just assumed we've applied our own assumption of their feeling, our own assumption of how they've shown up in this situation and and what they need from us, right? So try to use their own language. This is huge in the coaching world. We are taught to not suggest anything, just absolutely silence and listening to their own language. Because if you, if a client, for example, came to me and told me about a situation with their partner and they haven't said how they felt about it yet, and I go, that sounds really frustrating. I can assume that you felt XYZ about it. And they go, Whoa, I don't know if I can say that. And you've just broke rapport straight away, right? They don't feel heard because you've just kind of put your own spin on things. It's exactly the same in non-working relationships. And I always get caught up with this with my partner, right? Because I'm not perfect all the time, right? I'm a very emotive human being. I generalize sometimes with the language that he uses in his messages. I'll look back and go, um, well, in the heat of the moment, I'm replying. And I'm like, okay, well, you told me that this hasn't happened, but you told me I wasn't good enough. And he goes, I've literally never said that, Jade. And I'm like, shit, you haven't actually. Like, it's okay that like I can interpret a conversation, but you don't reply to someone and say, well, you said this, because they haven't. It's like, when you said X, Y, Z, their own language, I interpret it as this, or it made me feel like that. Is that fair? Right? Like that's the difference between actually listening and replying with how something's made you feel, rather than telling that person, no, you said this. Because then it just pisses them off more. They're like, you're not fucking listening, I never said that. So here's another example that you've probably experienced. The fact is they haven't replied, right? So what you would actually say if someone asks you, what's going on? Oh, they haven't replied. That's a fact, right? But how many of us go when a friend goes, Well, what's going on? Like, why are you so upset? And they go, Oh, he's just ignoring me. He doesn't care about me. He's not choosing me, he's losing interest, right? They are their feelings that we're interpreting from a situation, but the fact is they just haven't replied. You don't know the reason why. And how much less of an escalation, or how much less would your emotions build if you just stuck to the facts and tried to kind of calm yourself in the moment and not exaggerate it if you went, okay, he hasn't replied full stop. Now, completely different fucking story and probably episode where your brain and your thoughts go, well, why isn't he replying? He must hate me, he must ignore me. Completely separate. Let's not focus on that right now. I'm trying to teach you good communication skills. And in that, is not assuming based off of something you don't know. You haven't seen it, you haven't heard it, you haven't read it, right? They haven't replied. Full stop. When information's missing, your brain is naturally going to fill in the blanks. And it's usually with fear, it's usually with something negative. A big challenge for you guys. Next time you're in this position, I want you to what I always say awareness proceeds change. So stop yourself in. Your tracks, if you find yourself assuming, are you filling in the gaps? If your thoughts start spiraling, go okay, stop. What do I know to be a fact from this situation? Okay, he hasn't replied. That's it. Has he said out loud that he's going to start replying because he doesn't want to talk to me? No. Has he told me he doesn't want to talk to me? No. Has he like whatever it is, right? Talk yourself through it. So uh awareness precedes change. So the first step, just acknowledge that your thoughts may be spiraling because you're assuming or filling in your own gaps. Okay. So the next step I want to challenge you on is encourage curiosity instead. So instead of assuming in this moment, ask. Ask. Right? This thing drives me nuts when I hear my friends, my clients, they don't have an answer to something. So they fill it with their own head and their own thoughts. And that's why they're having a fucking shit time. The the mystique on their face when I go, well, did you just ask what he meant by that? Or did you just ask why he wasn't replying? No. Oh my God. It's almost like you would have the answer if you asked, right? It's so frustrating. So ask if you don't have the answer to something, right? If you don't have the answer and there is a gap of missing information, instead of assuming or allowing your brain to fill it with fear and negative and not encouraging thoughts, ask the question to get factual answers, factual responses. And in that is your active listening. Listening isn't waiting for your turn. The whole idea of communication is to get to an outcome, right? So you're trying to understand their experience. You're trying to understand their emotions, hopefully. If not, and you're just trying to be right all the time, terrible communicator. I'm assuming by listening to this episode, you want to be better, you want to reduce the fights with your partner, you want to communicate with your loved ones better, you want to advocate for yourself better, right? Communication is a two-way street. Both people's experiences, even if they're different, are allowed to be true at the same time. And the only way that we'll come to that realization is by hearing each other's experiences. So the next step toward becoming fantastic communicators is silence creates stories. Silence, as we know, creates opportunities for gaps for the other person to fill their own information. Okay. People think avoiding conflict protects relationships. Now that's different if your fight style is I need 10 minutes. In fact, fuck, I need, I need an hour. And then when I'm less heated, I'm going to come back and we're going to talk about this. That's not silence. That's respecting your communication style and what you need in the moment, right? I'm talking about where people have huge fights, they do not reflect on it, they don't talk about it, they don't hear each other out. The next day, everything's peaches and cream, and you carry on. And you know what happens is you both haven't been able to be heard. Nothing is able to be changed because no one said how what that action did made them feel. Fuck, was that sentence? Okay. Did my brain just leave the building? Oh my god. The behaviors will probably still continue because nothing has been highlighted, right? It's just like, I have no idea why we even fought just then because we haven't fucking talked about it, right? So usually silence is destroying your relationship. So here's a really real example. Your partner leaves the dishes dirty in the sink. Kryptonite. You say nothing. And this continues to happen week after week, month after month. You know, it's not about the dishes. We know that. We know it's not about the dishes. There's so much more to this, right? It's about feeling unseen. You might build a little bit of resentment, like just fucking pull your weight around the house. How hard is it to put a dish in the dishwasher? It's empty. Little things start building. And us being dramatic human beings that we are, instead of just putting the dish in the dishwasher ourselves, we go, no, I'm gonna leave it there. See how long it takes him to put the dish away. It's a test, right? And the weeks that it goes on, the mold's growing, like the flies are in the environment. I'm dramatizing, obviously. Hopefully he doesn't get to that point. But at this point, you're like, I'm breaking up with him tomorrow if he doesn't put the damn dish away. So resentment is often unspoken expectations over time. I'll say that again. Resentment is unspoken expectations over time. And you can't expect someone to fix a problem that they don't know exists. Oh my God. The amount of conversations I've had with clients and friends about this, where they will come to me. Even my friends. Clients, I understand, they're paying me for it. But friends come to me to have an event about their partner. Great. I'm here to support you. But one question is he aware that this pissed you off? No, I haven't told him about it. Oh my, oh my god. Like each to their own. But I am always a big believer that that person deserves to know how something they have done has impacted you. Now, what that partner chooses to do about you telling them that, whole different story. But you can't be mad at someone if you haven't communicated how their behavior impacted you or made you feel. Because you need to give them the opportunity to realize what they did. Because you can't assume that their intentions were bad, right? This is another big thing. Assumption. And their intentions. How many times have we done something in a relationship? No ill intention, but your partner has like it's pissed them off or it like was received the wrong way and they didn't tell you and blew up about it later. And you were like, what are you talking about? I didn't say that or I didn't do that because you're just so in such disbelief that anything you would do would hurt them, right? But it becomes a bigger thing because it wasn't said in the moment. So going back to the dishes, in the moment, a conversation between then and later is hey babe, how was your lunch? Oh yeah, it was good. Yum, do you mind if it's okay? This is my people please are coming out of me. I'm like, um, is it okay if you pop your dishes in the dishwasher after you've eaten? Even if you want to sit down and enjoy your food first, all good, but just like when you're finished, is it okay if you pop it in the dishwasher? Because it just looks messy hanging around. Now, hopefully they either go, oh yeah, no stress, babe. Like I normally just wanted to sit down and eat. I can absolutely do that. Or they'll go, Yep, I actually went to do it. The dishwasher was full, so I was just gonna let my food digest. And then I was actually gonna empty the dishwasher and then reload it for you. So you didn't even know that they were gonna go an extra step because you assumed, right? What a calm conversation to have. Versus you start building resentment, you start getting more and more pissed off, and then you drop that little thing in in an argument that you're already having months later, has nothing to do with the dishes. You're already pissed off, and you go, Oh, yeah, of course you'd say that. You're someone that doesn't put the dishes away. And he goes, What? How long you been holding on to that one for? Do you know what I mean? So please, please, please, please communicate how something made you feel. Now you go, Jade, that's fucking easier said than done. I'm literally listening to a podcast about how to communicate better. And you want me to just say how I'm feeling in the moment? Yes. Communication will take practice. It's not going to be perfect, but take into consideration, I've already taught you, timing, tonality, active listening. It'll get better, I promise. It's not even me. I still struggle sometimes because we're all humans, we're not perfect. I'm a very emotional creature, very reactive, unless I'm medicated. So we get it, right? But if you can take anything from this little chapter about silence creating havoc in your communication and relationship, is please just don't expect the other person to change a behavior if you have not told them how it's made you feel. I had another example. I had a friend. Their partner was just not purposely like selfish, but liked things the way he liked things. Now my friend, bless her socks, not confrontational at all, is the most super chill, easygoing person you'll ever meet, and just really happy to put others first. Great qualities to have, but just not good when you need to advocate for yourself, right? So she's come to me, frustrated, you know, I feel like I don't have a say in the relationship and blah, blah, blah. This has been going on for a few weeks. So if we learn and acknowledge everything I just taught you, was that an assumption? Was that an assumption? I don't have a say in this relationship. Yes. And how did she get to that point? She swept it under the rug for weeks. Right? Went, oh well, whatever. I'll get over it, moving on. And it kept happening, kept happening. She kept sweeping it under the rug. But like, subconsciously or consciously, she kept building resentment to the fact that it led to the point of going, I feel like I don't have a say in this relationship. He doesn't let me have a say. Well, that's not a fact, babe. That's your assumption based on, and here's the kicker, she hadn't had the conversation with her partner. So I'm like, give your partner the chance to know that him, he's kind of coming across selfish, right? And maybe he doesn't mean to be. Maybe he thinks, and I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but maybe in his world, his interpretation is like, I'm trying to be really assertive, I want to make decisions for her. Maybe that's him feeling masculine, he's taking care of you. If he doesn't know that you are feeling like you're taking, he's taking your voice away, you guys are living two separate versions of your relationship and life. And in the moment, versus later down the track when you've already built resentment, if you can go, hey babe, I love that you're someone that loves what they love. You've been single for this amount of time. I also have some preferences. Is there somewhere we can meet in the middle? What do you think about this one? Blah, blah, blah. Again, separate conversation if he completely shut her down and was like, no, my way or the highway. But, you know, you have to give them the opportunity to hear how what they said and did made you feel. Because if they're not aware, they will keep doing it because they don't think anything's wrong. But again, their intention may not be harmful or negative intentionally. They don't know how something lands with you until you tell them. So silence is a killer. Please fucking speak up in the moment. And it doesn't have to, it's not like starting an argument. You're allowed to say, hey, can I just reflect on something? Like what you said made me feel like this. Just wanted to bring it to your attention and then see what they say. If they're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry that was not my intention. Great. Then it won't happen again. Because you've already said how it made you feel, and now it's in the forefront of their mind. Right? So here's a big one. And this is tricky when you're just starting out or when you're just trying to work on your communication. Because I think in the beginning, your goal with improving your communication is advocating for yourself, right? And that is a huge part of it. How can I get my partner to understand me better, see how it's impacted me, yada yada? Then it might be improving your communication, might mean improving understanding the other person, right? Maybe you're working on your active listening skills. I wasn't aware. I made you feel like that. I'm sorry. So what I want to talk about now is the next thing that's like a little bit harder to work on. May or may not be there, depending on your personality type and what you value, and it's ownership. Communication or great communication requires ownership or accountability. Instead of you always do this, try. When this happened, I felt. How much of a difference would that sentence land if it's going from like blaming and characterizing and summarizing, you always do this versus when this happened? So one instant, and you put it back on you to go, this was your behavior and I felt versus you always make me feel like this, right? So it's intent versus impact. You may not have intended to hurt someone, but they felt hurt because of how you delivered it, how it landed, your tonality. Great communicators always ask, what could I have done differently? Or how would you like me to respond to that in future? How can I support you differently? Something my partner does great after we reflect on an argument is he goes, What do you need from me? Because fuck I know we're building a communication manual right now, but I don't have one to give him. So he's like, tell me the answers. He's asking. He's not filling in the blanks. He's literally wants it from the horse's mouth. What do you need? Tell me. I'm like, cool, here's my manual. Great question, right? So great communicators have the intention to reflect and grow and change and improve. So they say, what could I have done differently? Instead of who's right in this argument, or how can I prove that I was right? That's a that's the difference in a growth mindset. The people that sweep shit under the rug, maybe because it's scary to reflect and have those conversations, is uncomfortable, right? I get it. But how can you expect to improve, or how can you give your partner or your relationship the opportunity to be better if you don't have that growth mindset of reflecting and improving, asking the conversations? And a huge part of accountability and ownership is apologizing when you need to. Fuck, how many conversations have you had with people or arguments where even after you told them how you felt, they didn't give a fuck. That's what I mean. The other, the next part is like, well, how do they respond when you're honest, right? So with active listening, and the whole point of a conversation is trying to understand the other person, they may very well communicate your behavior made me feel like this. And you go, Oh my god, that was not my intention. I'm so sorry. Step two, how can I do that differently next time? What do you need from me? What would you like to see differently? That's it, right? Healthy communication is not about winning arguments. It's about protecting the relationship, it's about supporting the other person. Because if they feel hurt and supported, in return, they will give it back to you. And that is communication. It's back and forth, like I see you, I hear you, what do you need from me? At the bare fucking minimum. It's like, give you have a safe space right now. Tell me how what I did impacted you. If it wasn't my intention, I apologize. How can we do this differently? Like you feel seen and heard, and like that feeling, if you've ever, if you've ever had a beautiful conversation, especially after an argument, and you leave the conversation going, I like I feel like I've got that off my chest. And he got it. Like he really heard me. He held space for me. And a big distinction in what I just said is like sometimes you don't always have to agree. It's just about being heard. So you don't always have to like understand it in the moment. And and still to that point. Good communication is being honest and going, look, I've heard everything that you've said. I would, I'm gonna take some time to really consider and think about what you've said. Because like I want it holds weight. I want to treat this seriously. Your words have an impact. Like I want, I don't want you to feel like this. So if it's okay with you, I can't give you an answer right now. I'm gonna go away and think about it. Great. Active listening times a thousand. Do you know what I mean? So you don't have to have an answer in the moment. You don't have to agree on the spot. The amount of times that if you have an argument and you have this conversation and then you still need some time apart to then come back, it's like that's okay too. Communication doesn't mean that you have an answer, it's just hearing each other out. Okay. So communication isn't about being perfect, it's about creating that clarity instead of confusion. So replacing assumptions with curiosity, replacing silence with honesty and speaking up in the moment, and then replacing blame with ownership. Because every healthy relationship, whether it's romantic, family, friends, workplace, it's built on good quality conversations and reflection and growth, not mind reading, not filling in the gaps, not assuming, right? Here's a couple of power questions for you. Feel free to DM me the answers or write your answers in the Facebook group. Where in your life are you expecting someone to understand you without actually helping them to understand you? And another one. Are you communicating to be understood? Or are you expecting people to interpret what you never actually said? Tricky one. Let me say that again. Are you communicating to be understood? Like you're giving the other person an opportunity to actually hear and understand you. Or are you keeping it blase and simple, dancing around, expecting people to interpret what you actually haven't said. Like you're expecting them to read your mind, put the puzzle pieces together. Again, you can, I think this is a really important note because you might take all this away and try it, and the person does not receive it well and is a piece of shit. So give them a couple of tries. Everyone's trying to communicate better. It can take years. I've been working on my communication in programs since I was 19 years old, and I'm now 32. Takes some practice, okay? I'm also a professional coach, so it's there. But give your partner some grace as well. Is it your gut feeling that they are also learning how to communicate? It's brand new for both of you, or are they genuinely just like, don't give a shit about you, okay? Something to take away is you can communicate perfectly and someone still won't like it, right? It's such an important lesson for you guys because sometimes you might think, if I just explain myself better, or if I find the perfect words, or I'll say it differently next time, or they'll finally understand if, when, blah, blah, blah. Communication is not about controlling someone's response. I want you to really think about that. Being a good communicator is not swaying someone's opinion, right? That's not the goal because you remember I said it's a two-way street. Both people are entitled to their own response and opinion. It's about expressing yourself clearly and respectfully. Okay, people are still going to disagree with you. People still might be disappointed by your actions or your words, and they can still choose something different. That's okay. Your responsibility is to communicate clearly, not to control how someone receives it. I'm looking forward to hearing your power question answers. I will see you next week.

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Bye.

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Okay, gorgeous. That's a wrap on today's episode of Woke Up Worthy. If this spoke to you, don't forget to follow the pod, hit that bell, and drop a five-star review so more gals can find this space too. If you're needing some extra support, confidence tools, and maybe some behind the scenes goodies. Tap the link in the description to connect with me and join the community. Until next time, babe, don't forget, choose yourself, back yourself, and more importantly, remember you wake up worthy.