LOTE:Humor and Honesty in the Pursuit of Personal Accountability

Episode 166: LOTE: Humor and Honesty in the Pursuit of Personal Accountability

That's a WRAP on Season Four. Thank you for listening. We will be back for Season Five sometime in 2024. 

In episode 166 of the Sober Vibes podcast, the LOTE series closes out season four, and the Elledge sisters, Kimberly and Courtney, talk about when self-awareness is exhausting. Both sisters share their experiences with it and, of course, how humor and honesty always help.

Strap in for a candid journey through our latest chapter, where Kimberly and Courtney exchange virtual high-fives with you over the DMs that keep our spirits up. They are all about finding that sweet spot between a good chuckle and the sensitivity of the times.

Make sure to tune in for the last Stories from the Streets of Season.

Click here to fill out the Trova Trip Group Travel Questionnaire

Thank you for listening, and we hope this episode helps.

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Transcript

Courtney : 0:02

This is Courtney. This is Kimberly. You are listening to the show within the show. Living on the L Ledge.

Kim: 0:09

Come live with us. We're talking about the road to recovery and sobriety and how to vibe and maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle.

Courtney : 0:22

Hey, welcome to the Silver Vives podcast and this is Living on the L Ledge. You're listening to episode 166. If you are new here and you're like, what in the hell is Living on the L Ledge? L-o-t-l-o-t-e, l-o-t-e it is the show within the show that my sister and I do. We usually like to do every third episode if we fall in line on that. So if you're new here, welcome. We highly recommend you go back to listen from the get to understand us more and why we sometimes are pick people.

Kim: 1:01

L-Yo. Sometimes it just is like that Whatever L-Right Kim welcome Welcome. Kim-thank you, Courtney. I'm happy to be here.

Courtney : 1:12

L-I'm happy to be here. When was it what? There was one episode where you're like, oh, because I called you sister Kim, and you're like I'm a fucking sister wife Made me sound like a Mormon.

Kim: 1:23

No, no shade to the Mormons, L-So what's?

Courtney : 1:25

been going on, sister, it is. We're now in 2024. The last time we talked, we closed out the year with a little recap in 2023. How are you feeling so far in 2020?, kim-i feel like I'm in the.

Kim: 1:40

Twilight Zone. You guys are in Detroit, michigan. We're in the middle of a polar vortex, as the whole country is. So we've been cooped up for a week and I have only left the house to go to work. Courtney has left to go to the gym and it's cold out here in these streets. So 2024, happy to be here, like a new year, but, if I can be honest, it hasn't started off strong.

Courtney : 2:11

You know what I mean, kim-yeah, for you, it has not started off strong, absolutely L-You guys.

Kim: 2:16

My insomnia, like this shit, is on full blast. It's crazy. It has been I don't know what happened. I think the fallout of working from Thanksgiving to New Year's up until New Year's Eve and the nonprofit and the restaurant and go, go, go, go go. And then I sat my whole ass down for a minute and I think my body was having a trauma response and my insomnia kicked in. So last week I think I slept six hours and I don't know if anyone out there struggles with insomnia. My sister finally got a taste when she brought CJ home and those first four months and she was like I feel for you, because when you don't have sleep, you seriously feel like you're in an alternate universe.

Courtney : 3:01

It's fucked up Kim-That was five months to be exact, l-oh, I'm so sorry.

Kim: 3:07

Five months, yeah, I mean, it's nuts. So I've been having just a little around with my insomnia. So, oh, and I got to get a fucking root canal on the same tooth. I already got a root canal, so I'm mildly annoyed, but you know what Fuck it. We're handling it and last night I actually got some sleep, so I feel like I'm coming off of this insomnia bender. So I'm happy to be here back to the land of the living and I'm doing my best.

Courtney : 3:37

Kim-You're doing your best. You're taking care of business. L-tissue B. The start of your 2024 was wah, wah, wah.

Kim: 3:46

Kim-Yeah, I hate to be a buzzkill but, like I said, if I could be honest, it's not all fucking rainbows and butterflies out here all the time. This is life. So, and since, for all those years of residing on Pig Mountain, I probably broke some things in my brain, and this is like at three in the morning, my body says it's go time because that was really my hour to shine. So it's just retraining my body after years and years of abuse. But also when I was a kid, I didn't sleep well. I've always had this fucking problem.

Courtney : 4:18

Kim-Yeah.

Kim: 4:19

L-But if anybody wants to give me a shout out on any like like I'm talking like true insomniacs, because the people who don't sleep and they don't understand it. It's like, well, why don't you just stop these fucks, why don't you just put on a? Have you gotten a sound machine? I'm like what? That is not, yeah. So I tried the sound machine, I tried guided meditation. I try fucking taking like six melatonins one night and that didn't even put my ass down. I am like a wild rhinoceros. It takes a lot. And then I can't do any of those sleep medications because they're like habit forming, and the one time I took an Ambien I woke up with peanut butter in my hair. I was eating in my sleep and I can't afford eating calories when I'm not sleeping. I already have to watch what I eat anyway. So like we're not doing that. And so if any true insomniacs out there holler at your girl, let's talk about it, and I'm open to suggestions.

Courtney : 5:14

Yeah, that Ambien. There was a person I worked for and she had shown me a video because she used to take Ambien and she had shown me a video of her doing like a massage on her face, like with a wand, like a massager on her face in the middle of the night, and she fucking had no clue and she showed me the next day.

Kim: 5:43

Well, at least she was doing something positive. I woke up with peanut butter everywhere. According to this, I thought I shit the bed. I know To be honest, I'm right, I'm sure.

Courtney : 5:53

But that's like those sleeping medications Really for that with the Ambien I'm sure it works for some people. Right, some things work for some people. Some things work for some people, other things do not. But I have heard more when I went in the pain clinic and like the patients would be like dude, that fucked me up. I mean, they wouldn't say it like that. But when this woman, my boss, showed me that I was laughing so hard because I was like God, what else did you do? You weren't even in your right mind. That's what I'm saying. You don't even remember fucking eating peanut butter. She didn't remember giving herself a fucking facial at 3 AM.

Courtney : 6:35

Recruiting it on her camera.

Kim: 6:38

I thought it was the beginning of the end for me, like when I tell you I thought I shit in the bed. I'm not kidding, that was horrifying.

Courtney : 6:44

Could you imagine if you had like the Colesies at 3 AM on some Ambien or like the Textis.

Kim: 6:51

No, and I can't even imagine dude, because I've had the Textis on some benders and some Colesies and those were I don't even. There's times where people are like and I'm like, no, we're not, I don't want to know, I don't want to know nothing. I think on one of these podcasts I divulged my brilliant idea on a Facebook message one night to just post to the world, and that was the last time I ever did that. That was fucking nuts. So no, I can't imagine a case of the Colesies on a fucking Ambien. Give me a break, that would be nuts.

Courtney : 7:24

Well, and then here's on the flip side of that. You get to a place with your insomnia where it's just a part of you and right, and it's something that you like. Maybe you were just now, at this point, just a night person.

Kim: 7:41

Since I'm a kid, like I've embraced it, I get it. I wish everyone else would like at some point get on board, which I pretty much think that they have, except when fucking dad starts blowing up my phone at eight AM and I want to drop, kick him like if he were in front of me. But other than that, pretty much everyone knows and I have the most unconventional sleep pattern. It's always bothered like boyfriends of mine. They're like I don't you just come to bed. I'm like what and do what? Stare at the wall while you're snoring in my ear. Absolutely not Leave me alone. Like it's just that. Like night versus day, people in the day who get up just think there's so much better than people who are up at night and work nights.

Courtney : 8:22

I've gotten a lot of shade over the years for it, I know, but well, yeah, you have, you have, but I mean it's, that's the whole thing. I mean, people work nights and then they're on that night schedule and that's what they like, and there's just some people who like the fucking, the dark of the night.

Kim: 8:40

I love it. It's my favorite time. No one talks with you, nobody really calls you or bothers you, and you have the whole world at your fingertips. I mean, yeah, I do my best walks at night with Drexel. We go out there and on those streets, probably not the safest, but I'm in a gated community now. People, it's okay Moving on up.

Courtney : 9:00

But CJ did want to call you this morning at like 830. I said no, buddy, it's too early for TT.

Kim: 9:06

But I called you guys at like nine. What time did I call you this morning? I was up in Adam.

Courtney : 9:11

You were, but I still have. I have to tell him that that's too early for TT.

Kim: 9:16

Yeah, we got to get him. We need to teach him young what's up with this TT Cause, you know. And then when my body goes down, like sometimes in the day, like I'll have to because I work at night and if I didn't get good sleep I mean, I've been known to take a little snooze from 12 to one If my body wants to go down and sleep, I don't care. Time actually means nothing to me, it's. It doesn't like. If my body wants to go to sleep, I'm like, oh God, I better if it's telling me like I'll just go for it, I don't care what time it is. Yeah, exactly.

Kim: 9:50

I do have a funny story real quick real quick.

Courtney : 9:53

Is it going to be about? Is the stories from the streets.

Kim: 9:59

No, but we can hit one of those at the end of this podcast. The other day with my insomnia, I fell asleep at like four just to take a little nap and then I woke up. I think it was on Sunday. I woke up at eight o'clock and I thought it was eight in the morning, because my sleep so full is fucked up. So I wasn't really. I was like oh good, I got a whole night's rest. Like I just slept for 14 hours. I feel great.

Kim: 10:25

So, like the first thing I did because I didn't have coffee in the house, I fucking ordered Dunkin Donuts and I ordered coffee and I got a bagel with cream cheese and I got an orange juice. So then the Uber says that he's here and I'm like why is this so fucking dark out? This storm is outrageous. It was the nighttime, it was not morning. Like we were supposed to record that day. I almost text you. It was like, hey, if you want to record earlier, you would have thought I was nuts. And then I was like, oh, it's nighttime. I just ordered breakfast at night when have you become an orange juice connoisseur?

Courtney : 11:01

You were talking about orange juice this morning.

Kim: 11:05

I don't know it's good and it's cold season, because here in Dearborn everyone does fresh squeeze orange juice, dude, and it's delightful. I don't fuck drop canner or any of that shit from the store. You got to get the fresh squeeze, like the Euros do, like it is the bomb. So I'm really like guzzling it down. It's expensive, but it's worth every sip.

Courtney : 11:27

Yeah, I just. You've just been talking about orange juice a lot lately this last week. I didn't know when this tasty treat made it come back in your life, like the other day when you were talking about football. I'm like dude, when did you get a football dick?

Kim: 11:47

I did only because it's U of M football and I loved Jim Harbaugh and I just like you know whatever my sister was like going into stats on the coach.

Courtney : 11:57

I'm like what?

Kim: 11:58

is going on. I did. I sounded like a dude, but inspirational the coach I love, so I love a good story. So it inspired me and that's like my ADD, like I hyper fixate on it, so I really like that week really honed in on my football. You know neuro divergent stuff, sister.

Courtney : 12:22

Oh man. So this is before we get into the episode today and what we came here to talk about besides juice, football and Kinsonsamnia, this is this last episode of season four. I just want to say this. So at the end, we I just want to say this now I want to thank everybody for listening to season four. It was a great, great, great season. We consistently put out an episode since since January, I believe. So we, we really did it. We really did this and pretty proud of how season four panned out, and I just want to say thank you all to everyone who was supportive of getting my first published book. So thank you for supporting me and thank you for supporting the sponsors for the whole year.

Kim: 13:12

Snap, snap snap.

Courtney : 13:13

Snap, snap. We really appreciate it and we are just so grateful for all of the DMs. We got a lovely DM from a dude the other day. Kim, don't say any names but, I was so nice and like I messaged him back, I'm like well, I'm glad our humor is received, because on 2024 you don't you got to be, you got to watch your words sometimes.

Kim: 13:35

So that's how we I'm not watching shit Like excuse us, this is like full transparency and we're not like terrible people. So if it's not full, if it's not for certain people, that's okay. We're not disrespectful, we're not ass. Well, we are assholes, but we're not. We love everybody All walks of life. So like this does so politically correct. We're even in like a Sprite community. You can't say certain things like fuck that. You're more responsible than me. I'm a little more reckless with my mouth, but I'm unapologetically. We're talking the talk man and I feel like that's why we translate with our fellow animal listeners.

Courtney : 14:17

Right, I know, but you just never know nowadays who could come along and listen to this and fucking, you just never know. And that's where, to be honest, that's where, sometimes, talking a lot and expressing your way of what has worked for you and your story, you just don't know how it's going to land. So that man's message was very nice because, again, I'm glad that we are received well, not only because our listeners are majority of women, but I love these men who are sliding in here, because there's been a couple who listen and love the show and they can relate to us and find us funny.

Kim: 15:01

Yeah, Welcome dudes. Welcome to the LH sisters. L-o-t-e Welcome.

Courtney : 15:06

And if you guys are into football, anyone into football slide into Kim's DMs and stuff.

Kim: 15:11

No, I don't want to, I'm over. But the season has ended. U of M won the national champions and Harbaugh is probably not going to be the coach anymore, so we're done. That was last week, yeah, okay.

Courtney : 15:23

We are, we we're done with that, so we're done.

Kim: 15:27

Again, if you want to talk basketball, though, I'm here all day, right?

Courtney : 15:32

So thank you so much for listening and we really appreciate you and we will be back for season five. I don't know when we are going to be back, but we will be back. I don't want to say a day because, to be honest, I'm taking this time of to have a little break and to just shut the fuck up for a while and continue to work on my healing path, as I have explained in this the last time you and I talked. So because I'm doing it, I'm doing it, you're doing it, I'm doing it, but with that before again, before we get into this conversation, we have the opportunity, my sister and I, to shoot again for another trip to travel with my sister and I. It's a group travel. I need you if you are interested and even if you filled out the survey, like a year and a half ago, because, if remember, we were, we were trying to go for a trip on Maine and you had to have a minimum amount of people and we did not make that. But we are going to try it again. The travel company travel trip wants to try for another one. I am all for it.

Courtney : 16:36

So the link if you want to travel with my sister and I. You have to fill out the survey. That way we can collect the information of where you want to go, what time of year, how much money you're willing to spend. All of that, and it should not take you this. This survey should take about five minutes, so the link is in the show notes. Please fill it out as soon as possible, because we hope to have a trip planned in like February, and of course, I will share that on my email list and on social media once it's announced. All right, so fill out the link in the show notes below. Sister, what are we going to talk about today?

Kim: 17:19

We're going to talk about the self-awareness and sometimes how is fucking exhausting.

Courtney : 17:27

Right. So then that goes back to my whole thing of being very self-aware of what we say.

Kim: 17:35

Yeah, I get it. I'm not going to get us canceled, don't worry, sister, don't worry.

Courtney : 17:40

I don't think we would get canceled. It's just the fact of just because I've been in this quote unquote, let's just say been in the game for a long time, it takes one fucking person to write, I mean, a shitty fucking review. It takes one person just to. It just takes that one person and yeah, fuck them at some point. But it's just, I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't. It's exhausting.

Kim: 18:05

I get it. Hey, I get it. I've seen your trolls that you've sent me privately and we don't engage with the haters.

Courtney : 18:12

No, and like I would love to this last one. I got on an email, though. This person told me to fuck off. It's like motherfucker, you opted into this.

Kim: 18:22

That's right, tell them, sister.

Courtney : 18:27

I know, but it's just like that's what I want to just say to people. It's like you opted into this, you opted into get whatever freebie I had going on, and like you're here and that is your response Like suck a dick S-A-D. So the self-awareness yes, how the self-awareness sometimes gets too fucking much.

Kim: 18:55

Yeah, it sure does. Man Like I am constantly testing my own boundaries and self-awareness and making sure I approach situations correctly, with emotional intelligence and not allowing old toxic ways to come out. I'm always like on here I speak very freely, but like out in those streets when you're engaging in real life and the real world. It is tough to be a civilized human being, sometimes like Jesus Christ, and then it's like you watch people just be toxic assholes and sometimes like the lever in me, like the balance of it, drives me fucking nuts, because it's like you sometimes just want to fight fire with fire, but you can't do that. It's not good for yourself. So it's like being self-aware and from the time as addicts we all know like from the time you wake up that fucking brain starts thinking. Till the time for me, whenever the hell I go to sleep, it just you constantly are thinking like, okay, did I portray myself in the best version of myself that I could today? Did I show up for myself? Did I show up for the people I love? Did I represent myself professionally at work? In some situations you just it's just, it's exhausting. So you're always just thinking, thinking, thinking and it gets a little tiring sometimes.

Kim: 20:15

That's why the art of disassociation, when we say like my sister and I I think we just have a say for it where it's like, we'll send like the like. Okay, for instance, if we're like both like on our period, it's like day one, we send that red face like devil emoji and that means don't talk to me because I am busy doing nothing and disassociating, and or we'll just write either that like angry double face, or just we say housewives, Because that means we're like into our show and watching housewives and just like taking a little mind time out for a minute. That means do not disturb, Leave me alone. I love you, I'll talk to you tomorrow and Courtney and I have done a real good job. It's just one emoji, people and one word like, and we just I know that's her having to like shut it off and doesn't have the emotional capacity to even get on the phone and stare at each other on FaceTime like we so often do.

Courtney : 21:12

Well, yeah, because it's a lot like. I mean, I really do think that a lot of people who are have had problems with drugs and alcohol. We're very empathic people, yeah, and very sensitive people, and so, after some time, all the talking, and that's why I believe in taking breaks, and that's why I take breaks with this podcast. Some other podcasters can go forever. That is not my style, nor do I want to. So there's power in a break, there's power in a pause and that is, too, with your life of just like the healthy disassociation which we have said disassociation a lot, but there is power in that of just like not going on social media, not responding for text messages for a day, like not even looking at emails, right, like not even talking to your best friend or your parents for a day, and just like leave me the fuck alone, especially in this road, because there is.

Courtney : 22:22

You have to, especially those first couple of years. You really have to prove to yourself and then you have to prove to others, and there is a proving to others when you get sober or you get clean, because you have to, you have to show a different part of you. You have to show the sober, clean, you right, because you did fuck up in those days of people not taking, not taking your words serious. So when you try to get back into the graces of other people you have hurt because of your addicted self that's a lot of self awareness. You get to a point where then you hit a wall and I hit a wall, my five year and my five year for sure, and it's just normal just to.

Courtney : 23:23

It's normal. It's normal and it's a part of you, especially to with the sensitive side, the empathetic side. It's normal just to be like fuck it. I'm not saying fuck it to go drink or use, but just say fuck it to disassociate, even if you need a couple days. But you at least have to say that to a person who you're close with, if they're used to talking to you every day or not. Because, like, even when Kim went off last week, I was like what is going on with you? She did, she was checking in. I was checking in because people are used to your actions every day and how you move and patterns yeah, your patterns. So, but there just is a point in the process of sobriety where the self awareness there's a dance you do and the self awareness gets exhausting sometimes.

Kim: 24:21

Yeah, it is exhausting and then like we're extreme people, so it's like when you show up you really want to show up, and then it's like you're just like over-exerting yourself and maybe sometimes it's like making up for a lost time or like over-explaining and trying to let people know you're doing good and like my thing with that. It's like you don't I don't like the word prove, like you don't need to prove anything to anyone, but if you want relationships with people, you do have to show up and be accountable and like do what you say you're going to do, because people aren't used to that version of accountability from you. So you just it's a different way of being and you're just not used to it because you're so used to fucking living like a pig person for so many years.

Courtney : 25:05

Yeah. So let me take back proof because I agree with you on that road. It's owning and showing right and being accountable to your word. If you go into the book, read the book, the four agreements being impeccable with your word, so actually saying what you're going to fucking do. And for a lot of us that is really hard to do in the period of getting sober, because nobody quits drinking alcohol that one time and they're like I'm sober. It is a process. There is a process to getting to the point of where you are alcohol free and go on a consistent thing, and then two in that process you do have to then realize like, oh okay, I'm still saying I'm going to do this and I'm not doing it, I'm not owning up to my word right On other things. So showing and owning, showing own Right and being impeccable with your word.

Courtney : 26:11

So, and it's a practice, but yeah, but the self awareness again. That is why.

Kim: 26:16

Part of it exhaust you like what goes through your head that makes you like just like God plus America. Why it's always something of myself awareness. Yeah, like what tires you out.

Courtney : 26:34

Good one sister.

Courtney : 26:35

I mean, I think, this, that what currently tires me out is that little dick shaker. He tired me out today by 8 30 am in the morning, all those ones who have toddlers you know what I'm talking about. It's one of those days I don't know if it's actually something, but it's a feeling right Like today. I have that feeling because I had to take an awareness of how I was being as a, how I reacted as a mother, and so then that feeling comes in me where it's just like I feel exhausted already, right, but I knew then that we were recording this, so I needed to fucking deregulate my system.

Courtney : 27:20

And I sat there and watched part two of the Southern charm reunion and was like, okay, I can, I am feeling better, I'm going to go and do this because I said this is what I was going to do. It would have been real easy for me just to text you and be like no, fuck it, let's do this another day. But I'm like nope, I'm working on this to do this. So I don't know. It's really hard for me to answer that now as a mom, compared to when I was and I think at the point before I was a mother. The self awareness what exhausted me about it.

Courtney : 27:55

God, I don't know. Do you have an answer for this?

Kim: 28:00

For the question I asked you. No, Dick, had I asked you the question I know.

Courtney : 28:04

But let's say I asked you the question now, so do you have an answer. What exhausts you about it?

Kim: 28:12

My brain constantly thinking and making sure I'm not out here wiling out and being the best healed version of myself, and because this is all still new territory to me and I had so many years of learned behavior from when I was at like I'm not even talking teenager, fucking 20s, 30s, from when I was a kid, how we were conditioned and conditioned to react and it's just like it's in your fucking DNA so you like really have to like purge all of that and rewiring and retraining your brain is exhausting because there's just like it's like a knee jerk reaction sometimes to just like react a certain way, so like to constantly be thinking and surveying your surroundings and like realizing what kind of personalities is I mean, this is how D by going to realize and what kind of personalities I'm around and what kind of conflicts are going to happen, to make sure like I am in the mind frame to handle conflict, to handle stress, to handle anxiety, to handle fucking chaos because of my profession to handle so I'm not, I don't fucking lose it and then I look like God damn, so sweet we're out to like is that.

Courtney : 29:29

That almost sounds like your protective brain coming out.

Kim: 29:33

A little bit. So I'm trying to rewire that too and not be so like fight or flighty, like that kind of like trauma response, but also like I'm not like surveying the situation like as much as I used to. But I like I have to make sure like I'm the best version of myself, because it's really easy to fucking go back to just being a dick and getting slick with people and that toxic side of me Because you know how my mouth was before I would like right off the rip like I'm an animal, so it's just my brain like. And before I wouldn't think that was like first instinct, like that was. And now I actually like I'm like I think about things and probably because I never did in the past and I just did whatever the fuck I wanted and I didn't care about. It's not that I didn't care, but I wasn't in the right mindset to like think about how my version of myself would make other people feel and I don't want to be that way, I don't ever want to be.

Kim: 30:41

A person walks in the room and they're like oh fuck, here she is. Like when you have that one coworker that you just can't stand their ass. And when they walk in the room you're like, oh, like I got to deal with this dick lick today, like I don't ever want to be that person, and that is like being able to handle situations and I always say loving, caring, empathetic manner to where I would want someone to deal with me, and so I really try to lead by example with that. And there are some times where a motherfucker deserves to get their ass lit up, but it's not my job. Like that's their own behavior and that's for them to figure out in life. I'm not here giving out, fucking letting somebody know what they should be doing, like I'm just going to worry about what I should be doing, but it's like retraining a fucking baby, you know. So my answer is I exhaust myself by just like thinking sometimes yeah, but does that, too, also go down to the ADH brain?

Courtney : 31:48

Honestly? Yes, it's a fucking nightmare, I know, I know, but that's where there's so many avenues to this right, like there's just so much behind all of this.

Kim: 32:02

Yeah, there's a lot of psychology, so like I shouldn't like hyperfixate on like certain situations as much as I do, but it's like literally the way my brain's wired and then I have to realize that that part of my brain is kicking in and then I have to like do some exercises to like snap myself out of it. So there's a lot happening. I mean, really fucked myself up over all those years. So it's just like. That's why I always say, with healing and getting better, there is layers to this shit, because right when you think you have something figured out, another something pops up from like childhood or trauma or fucking past relationship, a part of you that wasn't healed or like. So you just kind of got to like go with the flow and I always tell you like you got to give yourself grace and you are doing your fucking best. But I realized too, I need to tell myself that too, because, like I really am trying my best. I'm not perfect, mistakes will be made, but I'm self aware and I'm trying.

Courtney : 33:06

And that's all I got.

Kim: 33:07

It's. All I can do is like I cannot be much more honest than that, and if there's a situation where I didn't show the best version of myself, I need to make an apology. If I need to do whatever I need to do. If I need to apologize to myself and be like, okay, you handled that wrong, how about the next time you don't do that and handle it this way? It's a learning curve, so whatever.

Courtney : 33:32

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Courtney : 36:27

Number three this is a good one, yeah, I do have to say the self-awareness I have had this will answer your question, Hello, the self-awareness that I have had in the past. How old is CJ? Almost two and a half Since the dictator's been born which I just recently opened up and shared with my sister Seeing this new therapist, I had found out that I had postpartum OCD, which I never even knew was a fucking thing. If you're listening to this and you're like I didn't know it was a thing or if it was a thing, I had such an awareness with the postpartum OCD. It's a lot of intrusive thoughts. I knew I had these thoughts and then seeing this starting to see this new therapist when she explained it to me about how, what are you laughing about, Kim?

Kim: 37:26

I don't know what. It's not funny. I'm so sorry.

Courtney : 37:30

I'm laughing, but just one of your intrusive thoughts that you told me the other day was like holy fuck me man, I know, but that's what I was going through for like two years and not being able to share these thoughts.

Kim: 37:41

I had no fucking clue.

Courtney : 37:45

It's crazy what this therapist has told me. Other women have thought I was like, oh my God, everyone is fine, the dictator is fine, no one's in harm's way. When she explained this to me and explained the part of the brain of where it is the mom's protective brain coming out and that's where these intrusive thoughts. Now I have to do these exercises when these intrusive thoughts come. So there is another level of now self-awareness that I have to now like, stop myself when these intrusive thoughts come in and say my little script for me. And she even said, if I want to name these intrusive thoughts, I was like I don't, I don't, I'll probably forget, but like there's just that awareness that it was there.

Courtney : 38:38

And after a session I told her this last session I was like I've really thought about this, and the more I thought about this is that I'm not placing something in my brain that wasn't there.

Courtney : 38:47

I was like, but this has been going on for a solid two years, I go there was no breaks, it just quieted down until recent that it came back right. So but I think that's where it is good when you have an awareness, because in situations like you were just talking about, or me, or whoever that you can acknowledge that there's. You were, you were part, you could be part of the problem and to check yourself whether you need to get help or not, or just to be like I know what personalities I'm dealing with. Like you were saying, right, like, and that is the power of it, but to be exhausted by it, I think that's where you do have to find something that keeps your focus off of it. Like, right, that's why I love the Bravo Universe, because of the day of watching stories. Like I still have Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I was like I'm going to save that till tonight and I'm just going to focus on that tonight.

Kim: 39:51

Yeah, it's like a little treat.

Courtney : 39:53

Right. Those stories for us have become a little treat, whether that's like. Even two Yesterday, when I was working out, I had the moment where I'm like I'm kind of starting to remember who the fuck. I am right, you're a baddie, but that but in that sense too, remembering who you are it's going back to and I need to give myself some grace. But I also think of how we were conditioned and many people were conditioned in our generation of where it wasn't about them Never.

Kim: 40:28

Never was, still isn't Continue.

Courtney : 40:40

That you have to when you are going through a struggle and a time period of, like my sister said, you got to give yourself some more grace and not be so fucking hard on yourself or be expected to keep performing when you're like there's something not right here.

Kim: 41:00

Uh huh.

Courtney : 41:05

Yeah.

Kim: 41:09

I had to tell my boss last week I couldn't fucking come in. I was like, bro, I am like hanging on by a thread, like, and I knew if I went in it would have just been chaos, because I would have said fuck the world. And I was like I think it's for the best that I don't come to work today and I'm going to take the cut. And he's like, but you always work. And I said I know, but like I can't. I need to like sleep and lay down, like because I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth, like it's feeling very like reckless right now. So I'm going to stay inside indoors and just not deal with humans. Yeah.

Courtney : 41:44

But that was a smart thing to do and that's where I, that's smart to know that about yourself right, like where you have to listen to your body and your mind of just like, or if you're even like you know what I need to rearrange my schedule. I am not going to do anything this weekend Like listen to that.

Kim: 42:04

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's like the nonprofit. Like I told her I was like I am not coming back till February because it was such like a long stretch and I over exerted myself and for next holiday season I can't do that again because and it weighs on me emotionally because I'm like get so sad, like by people's situations that it like it really did deplete me this year, becoming more sensitive in my old age. Y'all Fuck me.

Courtney : 42:31

You've always been sensitive.

Kim: 42:33

I know, but like now it's like I like actually like, like such like deep feeling. I'm like, oh my God.

Courtney : 42:41

Mm-hmm.

Kim: 42:42

Where you're just like it's too much. So yes, I have always been sensitive you were right Just a little sensitive piece of shit. So self-awareness, y'all Like it's when it's like, and not taking yourself so serious because there is fun to be had and like you don't, it doesn't always have to be work, work, work, work on yourself. Like sometimes you get burnt out on that shit and that's kind of what we're talking about, like a little bit of burnt out. So like take a pause, find the joy in life. Whatever you're into, like do that. And like I started collecting vinyl again and listened to a lot of music and doesn't always have to be guided meditation and self-improvement. I mean self-improvement is great, but like you just don't have to like drill it Like again so hard where you're just like sick of yourself. Have a little fun.

Courtney : 43:34

Yeah, right, that's exactly. I mean, burnout is real. I experienced burnout this past fall and leading probably until November and it's fucking. It's real, yeah, and it's not a good time and you don't realize it when you don't realize it, until you're to a point in it and you're like dude, like everything is so fucking exhausting, yeah, so saying saying good morning, yeah.

Kim: 44:07

That's what I really fuck. Sometimes I just don't even. I think I'm coming out of burnout too and that's why that insomnia went so hard, like this last round, and just burnt out. So, just coming out of that, because even in recovery you go into like fight or flight and like certain situations whatever. Like because like and fuck, I don't give a fuck if you're in recovery or not or whatever. Like, life is hard, life is great, but sometimes you go through seasons and life is tough, so but it's also awesome.

Kim: 44:37

So, when you're failing yourself, getting a little burnt out and too much, just like, take a pause, because you're all. You're always going to be there with your like thoughts and there's always going to be issues, there's always going to be room for growth and it just doesn't have to be like. You don't have to make yourself miserable trying to like fix it all in like one shot. There's layers to this shit, man. So like if you got to put a pause on something you're working on, like with yourself or past trauma or whatever, that's okay, dude, take pause. And because it gets overwhelming, it's like a lot of feelings that you haven't felt in years because you were fucking nominum out with drugs or alcohol or whatever the fuck it is that you were into.

Kim: 45:19

So it's okay just to chill for a second. That's what I'm doing, guys. I am chilling Straight, straight vibes over here. Chill vibes during the polar vortex the polar vortex.

Courtney : 45:34

Well, at least the sun's coming out today. But yeah, I agree on that. And the thing with if you are experienced burnout, you got to look at your life and be like what is working, what is not, because even sometime with that burnout, if you're pushing for something so hard, that could actually be the problem that is causing a lot of burnout. If you're holding on to something a little too tightly, yeah, loosen the grip.

Courtney : 46:02

Loosen the grip and just see where the wind takes you and start taking care of yourself again. That's what I've been doing. Yeah, I will practice what I preach on that and, again, that is why I believe in the power of pause in the breaks of the podcast, because you're talking a lot, like, as I said before, talking and putting it out energetically like this it can. It's not exhausting in a bad way, but it's just. There's a lot of energy into it and producing these episodes and talking with other guests and listening to what they have to say and producing these episodes. So there's just a lot of work that goes into podcasting.

Kim: 46:48

Yeah, I get it, I get it bro.

Courtney : 46:52

What stories from the streets did you have this week?

Kim: 47:01

Like what was happening out there on the streets.

Courtney : 47:03

No, just like from anything Did we ever share? I think we did share about your studio 54 days.

Kim: 47:10

We did. Oh, I, here's a good one. So the service industry is fucking wild. Right, it is wild. My sister had the joy of coming out to Denver and she was sober on her last trip out. But she got to meet this fine gentleman who I was having a little office romance with.

Courtney : 47:35

My God. I was like where's the story going? Oh my God.

Kim: 47:40

And I loved him. I didn't love him, but he was fun. But we were both so bad for each other because he was in the middle of his own bullshit and you have like 20 children and a lot of kids, didn't he?

Courtney : 47:53

No?

Kim: 47:54

we had two. Oh, I thought that was more. Yeah, just two. So, whatever, we would hang out. He loved tequila and cocaine as much as I did at the time and he we were bad for each other at the time. He was my boss, I was working in a restaurant and one Sunday during brunch, I just kind of got ahead of us and we took brunch and started partying and then went into dinner service, continuing partying and then we closed the restaurant and our restaurant had cameras everywhere and but for some reason in our brains, on this fucking bender particular day, we weren't paying any attention to that. So, whatever, we're running wild in the restaurant like it's a goddamn McDonald's playscape for adults and having the best time. Well, whatever happened happened.

Kim: 48:50

So the next day I'm extremely hungover and have to go into work and I walk into work and this piece of shit is just like sitting there and like gives me the eyes, like he's just riddled with anxiety and I was like what is wrong with you? And he's like my boss at the time, the GM, and he's like he wants to talk to you over there and we had gotten a new chef who flew in from Hawaii, from the four seasons, and so I go in the back room and they're both sitting there. Well, it was kind of like a little bit of a corporate structure, but not really. But when you're getting like written up and talking to a witness states to be had. So I go in the back and sit down and my boss is like just looks at me and he kind of gave me free reign because I made them a lot of fucking money. It's like how you were at your last bar when at the end of using like everyone knew like you were an animal and knew I was an animal, but like the rules did not apply because of how good we were at our jobs and how much money we made them. Same thing with this spot. I was at like it was lawless. So so many shenanigans.

Kim: 49:53

But this one really pissed him off and he wanted to let me know that he saw the drug use on camera and I was like oof. And then wanted to let me know that he also had to get rid of the footage because of all the sex that was happening on camera in the middle of the restaurant. And I have never been so embarrassed. I was like oh, like, okay, and he's like so I need you to sign this. And I was like what am I sign? Okay, like I'm getting written up. And I was like so I'm like not fired. And he was like no, and I was like okay. I was like well, can I have my tape? And he was like too soon, can't really keep it moving and go get to fucking work. But I really wanted that tape because I bet it was amazing.

Courtney : 50:42

What did he get fired?

Kim: 50:46

Yeah, yeah, 100%. I never got fired from that job. I don't know how. I don't know there's so many jobs, I don't know how. But yeah, I did not.

Kim: 50:55

But he was not impressed and he was like but that was like one moment where I was like actually like ashamed of my behavior. I was like I am so sorry, like I'll lock it up, and then I was like on my best behavior for like two weeks and then I just was an animal again, like no problem, no problem, it was fun. You guys, it wasn't all terrible. Oh, that one popped in my head the other day. I don't know why I thought of that, but yeah, because then I think about like the place that I work at now and I just would never behave like that, just never. The behavior just would not happen. It would like kill me, like riddle me with anxiety where I would just want to go crawl in a hole and die. And like I wasn't even that, I just kind of took my bare ass spanking from my boss and just like kept it moving, didn't even. He kind of looked me in the eyes for like a week and then everything was fine.

Courtney : 51:52

But I was fine Because he probably watched that tape. But yeah, when I went back to bartending at the same spot, I like, oh my god, I couldn't. There was a couple times where I would have like legit, like flashbacks. Yeah, that moment of like, oh my god, I cannot believe that. I used to do this here. And also then, like I mean, when I went back and was sober, I was like I didn't use this as a power trip, but it was like it really was like nope, you're cut off, you've had too much. Like I was concerned for people and then in my active drinking days I was like didn't give a fuck because I was hammered with them, but like the sober doing that shit, sober, you're like no, no, no, you've had too much.

Kim: 52:36

Yeah, like you're like concerned, like I'm still like to, if I know like you're ubering and stuff I probably like whatever but now I like keep it like an active eye, like a watch on people, whereas before like I didn't give a shit like and some customers like definitely from sitting up at my bar in the past, like 20 years ago, those like younger days they definitely like like marriages were ruined because they'd probably go home and weren't allowed to be drinking and just go home and just be a pig person like lose their minds.

Courtney : 53:07

That's so funny because I have a friend who she was telling me that she lives out in Colorado and that there's a place near their house where she was like I don't know what is in this. She was like, but this is the type of place where you leave, she goes in me. My husband always had a fight after this. She was like it's like almost PTSD because we would get so drunk. Okay, and it made me laugh because I was like, oh, that used to be the place I worked with, like we were, we were that place right, but it is it's. It's crazy, though, about that, like how those places exist, but it's mainly because of the pig people behind the bar getting you fucked up.

Kim: 53:50

Fucked up. You know, not seriously fucked up like I've had grown men pass out at my bar and just like, like it's been a wild, like oops, sorry, you had too much, and just like me not even giving the shit because I was right there with them getting the party started.

Courtney : 54:07

Yeah, right there with them getting the party started and then being tipped like a hundred dollars.

Kim: 54:14

Yeah to give them another shot, not even just off their bill. Yes, yes.

Courtney : 54:23

I mean, I have watched grown men like pee at the bar thinking that it was the and thinking that it was the toilet. These, these bartender stories are real like it is. It is insanity when you see it from that set of eyes.

Kim: 54:43

Oh the good old days. I mean, it was wild, it really was like a different universe. But yeah, I can't work in those places anymore.

Courtney : 54:51

To trigger no, not at all. That's why I never like I could not do nights, I couldn't be back on the night shift of that. So well, this is. This is something my sister has a sex tape I do guys and I want it.

Kim: 55:10

I got moves. I think it was so hideous because the hell fucked up.

Courtney : 55:14

I was. Well, that boss was probably traumatized. The one I banged Not the one, you banged the owner of the place and was probably like what is happening here? Yeah, because, again, when you have fucked up individuals working for you, like honestly and this is like going back to the place the second time and that's why I always gave my flowers to my owner, because it's like I acknowledged the fact that he kept me there. I believe him keeping me there for the first time was also too for him like to help me, like honestly to help me. So, but if you are not a fucked up person whoever has substance abuse problem or ever had substance abuse you don't understand it. So if this person was normal watching it I shouldn't say normal, but didn't have an issue watching it they were probably like oh my, what is happening here? Like they're doing cocaine, probably like I would like pay to see this video on the spot.

Kim: 56:16

And here, like cocaine everywhere, I used to fucking, like rip lines off of the fucking bar, like just selling it, doing it, fucking, throwing it around like it's goddamn, like giving it out like it's hotcakes, like it was rowdy.

Courtney : 56:31

Right. So like the person watching this probably was like a little bit traumatized if there was some like what? And this is happening underneath me and in my, in my, in my building, like all of that stuff, so not on my watch?

Kim: 56:49

yes, sir, most definitely on your watch. I cannot at that time, I cannot be tamed. No no, you cannot so but yeah. But I do still think about that little hot little number that I used to jam. He was a babe he was. I was proud of myself for pulling that one Poof hot, well, just taking a trip down memory lane. But he was a disaster, a pig person, the worst thing we were just like. It was like fucking matches and gasoline, just it would set off.

Courtney : 57:23

There are so many wild nights that I did I can't even believe I'm alive, to be quite honest, Well, yeah, and then that's also too part of this conversation, of the self-awareness that you have on reflecting back of like poof.

Kim: 57:43

Yeah, that's what it does to me. I'm like poof. Sometimes I'll get like a flash of a memory and I don't know it's just popping up from, like my subconscious and I'm like poof, holy shit that was insane, yeah, and that happens, but that happens a lot.

Courtney : 57:58

I mean, that happened and I think that's also something I want to share with people. It's like just because you quit drinking alcohol, it doesn't mean that that all went away. You will have flashbacks throughout the years. Should hit me different at year three and the more you become sober and continue to live a life without drugs and alcohol, sober, whatever, like, you will start having flashbacks of your drinking days or remembering stuff, yeah, and you just have to say you don't, don't let it take you down a hole, but just say like god, I'm glad I'm not there anymore, like I'm grateful, I'm grateful to be alive and here and not living that life anymore. Yeah, totally.

Courtney : 58:45

Well, on that note, sister, great talk.

Kim: 58:48

Great talk and great season. Thanks for having me, sis. That was another fun, fun year, and I say it every time we wrap a season the best project I've ever engaged in. I fucking love it and I look forward to more after we do a little break in. Whatever is next to come for us. I leave it to the universe and open anything, so it really is our greatest collab that we've ever done.

Courtney : 59:16

A great collab. Well, I love you sister.

Kim: 59:18

I love you too.

Courtney : 59:20

Yes, again, the season has been awesome. Thank you everyone who has listened, who has supported us, and just the messages. So keep them coming and don't fuck your boss. Don't fuck your boss.

Kim: 59:36

So keep it moving.

Courtney : 59:41

Oh my god. On that note again to any of my resources, look at the show notes. The links are all in the show notes below. Make sure, too, if you want to travel with the LH sisters in 2024, or fill out that link as soon as you listen to this so we can get more information on where you want to go, what time of year, all that jazz. Okay, we are signing off on season four and we will be back sometime in 2024 for season five. Thank you all so very much. Stay healthy out there and keep on truckin.

Kim: 1:00:19

Much love Peace.