From People Pleasing To Creative Power with Mare Anatolevna

Something shifts when you stop waiting to be saved and start using your voice. We’re joined by artist and YouTube creator Mara Anatolevna, whose story stretches from growing up in Estonia with deep limiting beliefs to building a creative life across Arkansas, Japan, Hawaii, and Canada. Along the way, she unpacks people-pleasing, fear of rejection, and what it feels like to live with a nervous system that’s always scanning for danger.

We talk about motherhood as a catalyst for creative healing: songs that arrive before you “know” you can write, the reality of postpartum life, and why baby steps are not a metaphor but a method. Mara shares how voice embodiment and vocal work helped her reclaim expression, release repression, and treat her sound as medicine. The conversation moves into discipline and self-trust through 30 day songwriting and 100 days of practice, plus how consistency beats intensity when you’re raising kids and rebuilding yourself.

Parenting is woven through everything: compassion for big emotions in small bodies, boundaries that don’t rely on fear, and the power of repair after you react. We also dig into nervous system regulation with practical, micro-sized resets that fit into busy days, and Mara’s next creative chapter with her YouTube mini-series and upcoming blog.

If you’re navigating creativity and motherhood, healing trauma, or learning how to stop playing small, press play, then subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review. 

What would change if you treated your voice like it matters?

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Transcript

Letting Life Unfold

Mare Anatolevna 0:00

When we moved to Hawaii, I was like, I know there is something blooming inside of me as in like, you know, I want to do something different with my life. Like, yes, I love being a mom, I love being a wife, but I also want to be moder, you know, just mode who creates and does things. But what is it? At the time I didn't know, yeah. You know, I didn't know, yeah. And so finally I discovered Laura Rose's workshop, and that was definitely very transformational for me. Because she helped me understand how much I need to use my voice, you know, all them repressed, no one like that, no, don't do that, you know, all of that. But at the same time, also use my voice for creations like songs, or even you know, talking here now, sharing my story, like all those things, right? And uh yeah, so it's been kind of like right now, it feels like a compound effect is starting to really take place, and it's super exciting and at times also scary because I'm like, why everything is moving so fast? I have two kids at home, right? Because I've became mob six months ago now again, and um yeah, it's a lot, but at the same time, I'm like, hey, it's pretty cool.

Osha Rose 1:19

Yeah, like this is to me everything. But now with this this relaunch and what this episode is part of, it's this reminder that it really is okay to just let life unfold and to just do what feels right in the moment. But somebody like Laura Rose really woke up in me, my voice as well. Like she just she just created the space for me to finally find my art, my voice, my sound. Yay! Welcome back to Superbloom, where we explore what it means to live a life on purpose and bring to the surface what already lies within us. So today I am so excited to be joined by the artist and YouTube creator Mara Ntolevna. Mara and I first connected in a vocal embodiment training online, and I was deeply moved by her openness and her creative spirit. And on her channel, Mare's music diary and her life in motion, she shares her journey of healing the fear of being seen, reclaiming her voice, and expressing herself through music and authenticity. So this is Superbloom. Welcome, welcome, Mare. Yay!

Mare Anatolevna 2:33

Hi, Osheros. Um, I'm gonna start by saying thank you so much for having me here. Yeah, my first ever podcast, and I'm very excited to share my story and hopefully inspire someone else with it.

Osha Rose 2:48

Yeah, this is beautiful. Well, tell me first about your name. Like where does your name come from?

Mare Anatolevna 2:54

So, my first name, Mare, it's my actual name that was given to me by my parents. It's actually two names, Mare Edla, but I've been mostly going by my just the first part of it, Mare. And then Anatolovna is actually a name that comes from my dad. His name was Anatoly, it's a Russian name, my Russian roots. And at one point, when things were starting to come together for me a little bit better, like where is it that I'm going? I was thinking about like what is the name I want to go by. And I was like, you know what? I want to take my dad's name, and I want to consciously almost like change the tune around it. Because when I think about my history and how the relationship was and how I remember him, then it's mostly negative. And so this is me like rewriting it and taking him on a journey with me, and just I guess making it more positive in that sense, and really like grounding for myself that hey, even though I have this history, I'm able to rewrite it and have him with me. So in Russian

The Story Behind Her Name

Mare Anatolevna 4:10

culture, it's very common to use your dad's name, kind of like not really as a last name, but like something that you know the way I do. So it's not yeah.

Osha Rose 4:23

Beautiful. So I'm just so excited to have you here. Were you living in Canada when we met? I think it was was it the Voice of Creatrix 2022?

Mare Anatolevna 4:31

I think it was um it was in Hawaii. It was before we moved to Canada.

Osha Rose 4:36

Yeah, so you were which island were you on? Oahu. Ah, beautiful. Oh, I loved it there. Yeah, yes. Oh, well, that must have been the weather, like to shift from that to Canada.

Mare Anatolevna 4:48

Yes, I uh I love Canada and I love Canada's, especially here in BC. Nature is just amazing. But when it comes to weather, I would, of course, I would go back to Hawaii in a heartbeat. Just having the scenery, having the sunshine most of the time of the year. I'm like, hey, I'm a sun person, you know, like I need and when we go to Canada the first two weeks, I was like, I guess I'm gonna go and get me some vitamin D because I could feel the shift. Yeah.

Osha Rose 5:17

I've been to Oahu once, and it was just amazing to just ride around that whole island and see the surfers at the pipeline and eat a fresh pineapple, um, eat the shrimp that they grow, like the farms of like the sides of the road. Yeah, so wonderful. So, as far as just travel and like what's brought you to Canada, you you were born in Estonia.

Mare Anatolevna 5:44

Yeah. So my my life is pretty interesting. Yeah. So I was born in Estonia to a big family, um, more on the poor side. So like the way I grew up was very, you know, limiting beliefs and like very like you can't really do this or you can't do that, you know. Like, and when you look into the history of Estonia, and then you know, I was born in '91, and that's when we regained the independency from USSR as it collapsed, right? So there's like a lot of history of like when it comes to using your voice and your opinion, you know, you can only get so far with it when you're under this regime, right? And so I know that it's not just like, oh, my parents were this way. Like there's way more to it than just like, you know, let me go and start blaming someone, even though I used to do that for sure. When you first set out on this journey of self-discovery. But in 2014, the summer of 2014, I decided to move because I fell in love, right? So uh I met my husband, he was stationed in Estonia, and then I always knew I was gonna marry either Estonian or Russian, because that's the two languages I know. But you know the way life works, it's mysterious sometimes. And in 2014, I was like, okay, now is the time. And he's uh US Marine, so we rotate every few years, so we move every few years, and all the travel and everything has definitely helped me expand my consciousness and expand myself in ways of like, hey, these people live this way. And you know how they say America is like a dream land and there's an American dream. And maybe now it's different for Americans themselves, because that's what I've heard. But for me, when I think about how I grew up and kind of living in a bubble of like very limiting like beliefs about life altogether, and now me being able to see the world and me being able to access so much information, then to me, American Dream is a very like, I guess, beautiful dream. Like I can feel it happening for myself, and so I'm like very excited about that. And uh yeah, it started out. I lived in Arkansas for the first three years. From there, we moved to Japan for four years. From Japan, we moved to Hawaii for two and a half years, and now we've been here for a year and a half so far. And so, what comes after Canada? That depends where my husband's orders take us. But it's gonna be exciting no matter what, because I do love to travel. And as I said, everything that I've gained throughout all this, all these years, you know, it's been 11 years now that I've moved from Estonia, I do feel like what's happening up here inside of me is such a big shift from what I used to be and how I used to see the world. Like totally like different, you know, night and day different.

Osha Rose 8:43

Oh, I love this. I'm so I'm thinking about you've traveled all of this time and it's for your husband's work. I'm thinking about you and what what keeps you busy. And I I don't know if the audience knows yet, but there were children born through these travels and I write.

Mare Anatolevna 9:00

So what's interesting is that when I first moved, like I didn't know myself that well, even though I already had started, you know, I had discovered Louis Lhey and her affirmations, and for the first time in my life, I was like, wow, I can love myself. That's a pretty cool thing, right? But I didn't know what I liked, I didn't know what I wanted. Because even when I looked throughout the school years, it's like, oh, so what do you want to do when you're big, you know, a big person, right? And I'm like, oh, I'll be this and I'll be that. Like, I was like kind of chameleon, changing, but it was also because I was an extreme people pleaser. In many situations, I wouldn't say what I wanted to say, I wouldn't do what I wanted to do because I didn't want to upset people around me. Like the their emotion of rejection or their emotion of I'm not happy with you terrified me. Like terrified me. I was like, okay, I'll do whatever, you know, like that's how scary it was. And so when I moved, honestly, for the first few years, I think I was just trying to understand who it is that I am, and not very consciously. It was like I wasn't even planning anything big for myself. It's kind of like I had moved, I'm starting something new, and I'm just seeing what's unfolding, you know, like I'm gonna live my life. Like when we lived in Arkansas, I worked at a hotel as a housekeeper for a little bit, then I didn't like it. And then I worked on a farm where what was it? So pretty much like a fiberglass, and then you use resin and you make these little hunting houses or like hunting stands. Yeah, that was totally like, but it was a really cool experience, and the people I met, I loved it. Like really warm people. They when it was time for us to leave, they were like, hey, let's have a you know, goodbye party for you. Like that was super awesome. But all together, I didn't know myself. Like, I didn't know that I was gonna unlock my voice at one point and I was gonna start writing songs, and I was gonna start my YouTube channel. Like, I had no idea that was gonna happen. So from Arkansas, we moved to Japan, and I remember I came to I came home back to Estonia, I think it was like 2018 for a few months, you know, or a month or something, you know, to visit. And me and my sister, we went to a little trip to Hungary together before I go back to Japan. And that was to me like, hey, I want to go to university, you know, like we connected on a deeper level, and we she she started being a friend to me that was so accepting of me and my mistakes that that started something, you know, that had this um effect that now I see it like really blooming that I I didn't know was gonna happen. So I was like, I'm gonna come back to Japan, I'm gonna look online colleges and everything and everything, right? Totally, like I'm ready. And I was thinking about psychology or something like that, because I was like so interested in like why am I doing things the way I am? Am I really just born wrong? And it's

Leaving Estonia And Learning Freedom

Mare Anatolevna 12:05

just like inside of me, all this like the programs that I'm doing things wrong, or is it something else? Right, like I've always was fascinated with it once I discovered Lewis L. Hey, and I was like, something must be. There's must be something else. And so when I got back from the trip, I told my husband that hey, I'm gonna do the college, and I already started looking up, and I was I was about to go like on a base, I was gonna go to like education center and talk to people about it. And next thing you know, I'm pregnant, you know. And that was so interesting because I was like, college didn't matter at all anymore. I was ready to, I always knew I was gonna be a mom, so I was ready to just be like, you know, come on, I'm ready for you. I want you and I want to hold you and I want to take care of you. And so when our first son was born six years ago now, I loved it. Like, even though I had problems with breastfeeding, because I experienced something dimer, I don't know if you're aware of it, it's called dysphoric milk ejection reflex. And pretty much before milk comes in, you know how hormones work all the time to make the milk and everything. So when I read about it back in 2019, the theory behind it was that dopamine falls too much, and what you would feel when the milk comes in like extremely depressive mood, even though it's for a short amount of time because you know it happens, milk comes in and it goes away. But you experience it like 20 times a day each time some milk comes in. And I was like, what is this thing? So it helped me a lot when I like discovered it for myself, but it was too hard at first, but then I pushed through and I was like, you know, breastfeeding is important to me and I'm gonna keep doing it. But with becoming mom and just going through the motherhood, I just knew that this is gonna be, I guess, like a next step, understanding who it is that I am and what's going on. Because before, you know, I started doing Laura Rose's Voice of Creatrix and other workshops she offers, I started singing songs to my son, which I had never done before. I remember wanting to write a song when I first picked up guitar when I was like 16 or something, and I approached to it like a math formula. I was literally like like logically trying to think my way through it, and I couldn't. And here I didn't even have to think about it. I just pick up my son and I start singing to him. And now and now when I'm looking back, I can you know reflect it and I'm like, oh, I see what was happening, right? Because with the kids, we're we're so much so much more free, you know. We don't have to pretend that this is me or this is not me or what it is, and you know, like we just mirror back to them that oh, are we doing this? Okay, we'll we're doing this, you know. And so becoming mom to me was definitely a very big shift in consciousness where I was like, my kid is teaching me so much right now about life, and reminding me how baby steps is like sometimes all it is that you need to get to somewhere. Because when they start crawling and when they start walking, they how many times do they fall? Right? They keep they get up and they keep going. And now I try and apply this to my like guitar practice or whatever new I'm starting, right? When I first started editing my YouTube videos, I was like, oh my god, this is so hard. But then it's like baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, right? And so after Japan, we moved to Hawaii, and that's when I discovered Laura Rose, right? Because I was like in a background, I've been working on myself for at least a few years now. You know, I'll see, like, oh, there's something about how our minds work, you know, let me do this. Or I've purchased Jody Spenza's, you know, work to try and help me understand myself better, or you know, read the books. Like I've I've done many things now, and so now I see how one thing really leads to another. So when we moved to Hawaii, I was like, I know there is something blooming inside of me as I'm like, you know, I want to do something different with my life. Like, yes, I love being a mom, I love being a wife, but I also want to be moder, you know, just mode who creates and does things. But what is it? At the time I didn't know, yeah. You know, I didn't know, yeah. And so finally I discovered Laura Rose's workshop, and that was definitely very transformational for me because she helped me understand how much I need to use my voice, you know, all them repressed, no one like that, no, don't do that, you know, all of that. But at the same time, also use my voice for creations like songs, or even you know, talking here now, sharing my story, like all those things, right? And uh yeah, so it's been kind of like right now, it feels like a compound effect is starting to really take place, and it's super exciting and at times also scary because I'm like, why everything is moving so fast? I have two kids at home, right? Because I've became mob six months ago now again, and um yeah, it's a lot, but at the same time, I'm like, hey, it's pretty cool.

Osha Rose 17:39

Yeah, like this is to me everything. Like when I met when I met Lara, I think Mila was six months, or she, it might have even been like three months after she came, and I did kind of one of the short voice of the creatrix programs. And then I realized I wanted to work with Lara, and she's actually how this podcast got launched. I worked with her in a small cohort called Voice of the Influencer, and she I had I made this choice. She said, You gotta pick one project and we're gonna see it through to the end. And it was either a musical album or the podcast, and something in me was more scared about the podcast, like like taking this on and knowing that that it's a bigger commitment, you know, it's a weekly thing or a monthly thing, or but when I let go of all of that and just trusted that I'm gonna work on this with Lara because of who she is and how she helps you see everything's already within you, but then she's so nurturing and like gives you all the things, like my brain and your brain are are are very like there's just I want to know it all. And she gave it all to me. Like she gave me every way that I could I could do it. And so that November of 2021 was when I launched this podcast, but then I kind of went back into this whatever, this mode of doubting. But now with this this relaunch and what this episode is part of, it's this reminder that it really is okay to just let life unfold and to just do what feels right in the moment. But somebody like Laura Rose really woke up in me, my voice as well. Like she just she just created the space for me to finally find my art, my voice, my sound, where I had been studying music and like you like logically wanting to like what's the theory of music? How do I do this? What am I doing? What are the notes? What notes go together? Like all this, this, the stuff that was blocking me. And I did find some other really great teachers that inspired me to just do it, like play the keyboards and and sing at the same time and kind of, but that still was like this coordination, like just trying to learn rhythm. And like, but with Lara, it was all about connecting to the sound in my body, moving through me. And the healing part of my voice came through for sure in the time with her. Like I just the the realization that my sound, call it ugly, call it scary, call it beautiful, call it, you know, whatever you want to call it, my sound is my my medicine, my voice is my my gift, and just letting that come through. And I also love how you said the song started coming through with your first child. Because when I was pregnant with Mila, these songs were coming through. And then when she was here and screaming and crying, like these songs would come through to kind of calm my nervous system, but also hers. Like, I don't know, it was just this. I don't even, I was like questioning as I said it because I don't even really know what was happening, but I just know these sounds were coming out of me. I it wasn't pre-thought, it wasn't logical, it was just emotion with sound. Um, but one thing about you that is so wonderful, and you'll always be this, I mean, you're you'll always be someone that I met through Lara's program. But beyond that, this past year, when you did your second round of, or I think you did your first round of your 100 days of practicing the guitar, like when I saw you doing that every day, I probably saw it like every few days, the way the algorithms are, but that was last year. Um, and then this year when you started it again and challenged me to join you, like just in a gentle little message of like, hey, you should do it. Just pick, you know, pick a set amount of time a day and just commit to it, you know, for a hundred days. And so I did that, but then I also told myself I would post about it like somewhere online every day. And that to me was like the part that kept me honest. And because there were nights where I'd be like, it's 11 o'clock at night, and I'd say, Oh, I didn't, I didn't play the ukulele today. And so maybe those nights I didn't feel like filming myself playing, but I would at least take a picture and I would at least post a little thought about what, and I would do it, even if it was for. 15 minutes. I get, you know, but some days it would be an hour of practice. I I'm at a place now where I just wrote my first song on the ukulele, which was my goal, you know, with that whole challenge. I was like, what's my goal here? Is it to learn a bunch of covers? No. Anyway, I just I just wanted to share that that that the inspiration from you, just doing what you were called to do and then inviting someone to join you brought through all this music and and me. So thank you for that challenge.

People Pleasing And Fear Of Rejection

Mare Anatolevna 22:30

Yeah, you're welcome. And honestly, it was very um interesting, even for myself. Like, am I really able to commit to hundred days? But before I share more about it, when I was in because yeah, we were in Hawaii, and I was like, I want to be a better parent. So there is this um it's called All About Parenting. It's a course, and they even send you two workbooks, which are like thick books. And every day you watch a video, which is like from five to eight minutes, and it breaks down how the brain develops empathy and sympathy and motivation and like all the different ways that kids can be motivated. So I was like, I want to understand it better because I want to be a better parent. And I didn't finish it all, but I did finish like the first workbook, and I remember one exercise specifically that stayed with me. And it was like, How do you want to see your kid in 30 years? You know, they come knocking on your door, you open the door, what do you see? And I remember writing down how I would see my firstborn, right? And one of the things that I was like, discipline, and the but then I realized through watching the videos and being on my own self-discovery journey that am I disciplined? Have I been able to see things through, do the things I say I would do, right? And up to that point, I wasn't very disciplined, you know. I was like, I would start something, but then I wouldn't finish it. But I know now that that was tied into the limiting self-belief that what is the point in starting if it's gonna end up crap, right? Because if you feel like you were born wrong, there's nothing really you can do about it because it's already the foundation of it. So once I started rewriting that, that's when it opened up to me that I'm capable and I'm able. So the word discipline has been important to me the last few years. And it started out with doing the 30 days of songwriting challenge that I randomly stumbled upon on Instagram, like somehow, I can't even remember how I discovered Petra. She is I don't want to say it wrong now. It's either Slovenia or Slovakia, so one of those countries. And uh I can't remember which one, but I stumbled upon her, you know, challenge that hey, do you want to write songs for 30 days? I was like, I've never done it, but there's been a few songs that I've done with voice of the voice of creatrix. Let me try. And when I completed all 30 days, I was like, Wow, I've wrote 30 songs, and it wasn't like you know, from start to finish, three minutes long. They were mostly like a minute and a half. But the commitment itself, I was like, wow, this is amazing. And then I did the second round a few months later, and I was like, hey, I could start and finish things, like how amazing is that? And so a whole year and a half later, right? I mean Canada and Petra is the one again that shared that, hey, 100 days of practice, you know, you choose your own instrument if you want to do it. And I was like, Oh, I can't do it right now because I was pregnant still. I had pregnancy-related anemia. I was tired most of the time, like I barely had any energy to do anything. So I was like, Martin, think about it 100 days of showing up with the way you're feeling right now. But then a few days went by, and I don't know what it was, but I was like, I'm doing this, and I'm glad I did because I hadn't been posting on YouTube because we so we moved, there was a big shift, you know. And so getting the house in order with all the stuff, because I mean it takes time to make the house feel house again, uh, home again, and so all things put together. I was like, I need something creative and musical in my life right now because yes, I'm not feeling too great with this pregnancy, it's very different from my first one, but I want to create, and so I was like, you know, let me just start with this hundred days, and honestly, it was going way better than I thought. And another thing I noticed through it is that yes, discipline was the first thing, but the other thing was I'm gonna honor my own timeline in a sense that you know how there's like, oh, become this really fast guitar player or whatever. And I mean, we have different goals, but my goal was like, it's not about, you know, after 100 days, it's not about being the greatest guitar player. It really was like, How do you feel every day that I come and play? You know, it wasn't about me being this maestro of like guitar, it was about showing up and really taking the time to understand what's even going on with me throughout this whole experience. And another thing I noticed is that if before maybe I was scared to sing a certain song, because I was like, I don't know if I get the chords right or whatever, it's like I had unlocked something in between the moves and everything, because all of a sudden I can play this something that six months ago or even a year ago, I was like really struggling with. And so through all of this hundred days and everything, I guess what I'm coming to is that first I have to honor where I'm at. Sometimes we really want to push through something, right? And yes, sometimes it helps, but I realize the more gentle I am with myself in many situations, the better I do in the long run. And so when I finished the first round, I was like, oh my god, this was so amazing. I should totally keep going, right? But then I'm like, Well, you're about to give birth. You need to think about that. My plan was I'm gonna give birth. I I even took the first time I went to the hospital, I even took my guitar with me. I was like, keep going. But then I was like, hey, you need rest, so take like at least a month, okay? So I did take a month off so that you know I can get used to this new rhythm and new everything because we have this brand new baby, right, with us. But after a month, I was like, Yeah, I'm ready to finish it. So I kept going and it was really, really good experience. And when I also uploaded the video that, hey, do you want to join me? That was also like expansion because I was like, hey, I don't know if anyone's gonna join, right? But even if no one's gonna join, I'm still gonna do it because I really felt, you know, like called to do it. So when you joined the challenge, I was so happy. I was like, hey, there's one person join, like she joined with me. And that's why I was also very like proud. I was like, hey, you know, let me share how hey, Osha Rose, she uh is doing the challenge with me. And it was super awesome to watch you, you know, like yeah, like at first, like starting out, I'm not sure what I'm doing, but by the end of 100 days, like such a big transformation, like, isn't it?

Osha Rose 29:16

Yeah, and just the confidence boost of like, like you said, I did this, like I stayed true to the commitment to me, like the promise I made myself. I kept it.

Mare Anatolevna 29:25

Yeah, yeah. It was it was really awesome, yeah.

Osha Rose 29:29

I love that you I could just picture you walking into the hospital, huge belly, like fully pregnant with a guitar on your back, a child in your hand, your husband on your arm, just like, okay, I'm ready to birth this child and get back to my music.

Mare Anatolevna 29:43

Yeah, it was though it's really so what I realized, what's been going on is that the more I allow myself to be moder, even though I am a wife and I am a mom and I'm a friend and a sister and all those other things. But the more I allow myself to be moder, the more I grab onto this little, let's go write something, let's go do something, like right, like the little nudges that we get throughout the day. And at first, maybe I don't know what exactly it is, but let me go and be curious about it. And so the more I do it, the more I'm like, wow, look at all these ideas that are coming through. And they get m bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And so when I was, you know, getting really close to giving birth, I was like, I want this to stay with me, you know. Yes, I love being a mom, but I don't want it to take over me. Because when I became mom the first time, I didn't have Mare almost like at all. It was wife and a mom, right? And so the more I started uncovering Mare, the more I was like, wow, she's pretty cool. Like, I like her, you know, let me keep her in my life. And so when he was born, I was like, just this fire inside of me. Like, I need to keep going, I need to keep doing. But at the same time, I was like, we also have to be smart about it and balanced about it, even though it's hard. And so I was like, okay, let's just, you know, I'll take a break and I'll get back to it.

Osha Rose 31:08

I love that you did a training on how to be a better parent. Um, just I just to me, that's so such a beautiful, like it just tells me that you not only are expanding in yourself and who you are, but you're still, you know, I mean you're balanced, like you just said, in how you're approaching all of this. And I bet there's moments where, like, if your husband travels, right? He does he travel and you have like chunks of time where it's just you with the two. Yeah, it's gotta be like so. The balance shifts, right? During that time, probably of how much Mara fits into the children and the baby and the yeah.

Mare Anatolevna 31:47

Yeah, you know, it's actually interesting is that I realize that whenever my husband leaves for something, there's actually more space to be just Mara, because you know, I'm not being a wife right now at all, right? So that goes away. And yes, I am being mom way more, but through that, you know, my six-year-old, he's such a smart kid. Like he he's also so curious about the things that I do, and honestly, most of the time I share all of it. I might like change a little bit the wording so that it fits his brain better, right? Because he is six, but he's so curious about the things that I do, and seeing him ask me questions and this and that, he is very like just his curiosity and the way he approaches my things. And I'm like, I guess it makes me really like this is so awesome

Motherhood Sparks Unexpected Songs

Mare Anatolevna 32:40

and so sweet of him to come and like look at my things in that way, right? Because it's this pure curiosity of like, what is it that you're doing? And from the start, I've been very, very patient with him. Now that he's older, yes, I have new things that are like coming up inside of me too. Like, wow, he talks back a lot. Wow, he this and he that, right? But doing the parenting course, like it helped me a lot in realizing that hey, I can't expect, like when he's three, I can't expect him to regulate himself the way we do, right? Like, I feel like there is such a big pressure on kids to behave in a certain way at a very young age where it's like they're three, like their brain is just simply not there, like we can't expect that of them, right? And I've actually had a lot of people, especially the first three years of like me being a mom, I had a lot of people who are like, How are you so patient with him? Which is interesting, right? But I realize there's two things because one would be the way I grew up, and uh one of the themes for me that has been coming up is that I haven't felt seen the way that I needed to be seen, right? And being the people pleaser throughout the years, it also has its positive sides. I'm able to hold space, especially when it's a kid. Like I'm able to just see the kid, not that oh, they're throwing a tantrum and whatever, but he's really having a hard time right now. Like, am I really gonna get bad about it? No, I've like I automatically have this compassion and this, okay, let's understand what's going on, right? And the other thing is definitely doing the parenting course, you know, it helps me understand that what you've been like what you've been feeling about this situation, you know, with your two-year-old or a three-year-old, you've been on the right track with it, you know, not to just like jump into it and like, okay, let's start fixing it. Like, there was this one phase where he went from biting. My six-year-old, when he went from biting, you know, he was like a year and a half to hitting, like really hitting. And for a minute there, I was like, wow, that's getting really big. But then I realized that with everything else that I've seen, I haven't tried and fixed it. I see him grow out of things. You allow them space and time, and yes, you know, I redirect him if necessary and all that, but the main thing is to give space and time and so much love. Because I had this moment where I was like, Wow, he hits me a lot. Like, what could that be? But then I realized one, you know, remember the training you did, his brain, how far is it? Like, how much has it developed? And two, I am his safe person. So when he doesn't feel good about himself or the situation or like whatever it is, right? He is gonna take it out on who? Not just some random person, me, because I'm his safe space, right? And so when I kept reminding it to myself, I was like, I know he's gonna grow out of it, which he has done, like you know, he's six now, and very rarely he gets so very upset that he feels like you know, I need to go and like hurt my mom. And now he instead he either goes and plays with Legos or he'll go and like yell, which I'm also like, you know, go let it out, whatever needs to happen. And then later, usually what we end up doing is talking about it, you know, and I'll help him explain what's going on. It's like, yes, it's a big emotion. It was hard for you to, you know, contain it. And so it's been honestly for me, being a mom, it's more than just like, let me turn you into this person and you do this, and you know, like it's very, I guess, like spiritual for me. Like, very, like, there's so much soul, there's so much love, there's so much space, you know. He's gonna be his own person, and of course, I want to do a great job with like discipline. Like, I do want him to be disciplined because I realize how important it is. Plus, he's gonna be a man, right? But but yeah, like I try and take my time with him and the way he's growing.

Osha Rose 36:49

Sometimes I totally fail at it, but well, you never fail, I believe, unless you give up completely. So in the moment, it feels yeah. But I I just want to reflect back some of what you said because there's just so much just like really profound things that that I that I felt that you were saying, like about his curiosity and wanting to do everything with you. And then I was thinking about the only times I get really frustrated are when I'm editing my music or trying to record something and she wants to be on my lap, and I'm afraid she's gonna, you know, usually with even my phone, I'll just let it be, I'll let her play, you know, I'm watching her, but I feel like, oh well, if she texts somebody accidentally, like I could just let go of some of the stressors there, but I still feel the tension kick in when like I was just um editing a song the other day, and I just I spend so much time and energy, like with the automation and just like getting everything perfect that I'm like, oh, and sometimes I have had to go and undo what she's done. So but it's just it's but I still like you want to foster her curiosity. I just keep thinking, like I'm watching my life with her, and I keep thinking, how cool is this that she's seeing this from her mom, you know, that she gets to learn about expressing herself and technology and music. Um so I just I just love that you're fostering that. And then I was also thinking when you were talking about growing out of things and being able to be compassionate and that connection you made about the positive side of being a people pleaser, or in other ways to look at it, it's it's fawning, like the nervous system is doing this thing where it tries to make everybody feel good. But then beyond that, I think it's this deep empathic, um, like like you're able to truly feel into his vibration and be compassionate about that.

Mare Anatolevna 38:44

Yeah.

Osha Rose 38:44

And that was, yeah, that was one of the biggest things I learned with myself. And um, oh, but I wanted to say about emotions and how music and like learning about music, learning about emotions, bringing them through into you know, my vocals, into my the music I'm creating has actually helped me with my child because there are just emotions moving through her body, right? Like the anger that comes through and they hit. And I had a really hard experience recently where she threw a rock at me, two rocks. One of them didn't hit me, and one of them hit me right in the temple. And when I looked back at what built up to that moment, it was building anger. And there were things that I had done and said in haste that I didn't notice until after. But I could hear other people in my head in the moment, like when it was happening, like you could have died. That's really not good. You need to teach her, that's bad. Like, I don't know, just all these different voices. Like I was afraid. I was afraid. I was scared. I kept thinking what could have happened. But what I realized quickly was there was an escalation of emotion that she had gone through. She had asked me to play with her, but I was playing my ukulele on the beach, and I thought she was fine with her toys, but there were no other kids, and she was starting to get frustrated that I wasn't done yet. It was probably 30 seconds that I was asking her to wait, but in her four-year-old world, that was forever, Mom. So then she threw sand at me. And then I was like, oh, right, when she threw the sand, I shut down because I don't like sand. It's gotten in my eyes from her before and it really hurt. So I like got kind of hyper-vigilant. I was like, nope, we're not playing with the sand and we're leaving. It's time to go. And I just quickly shifted my tone. And that was when she started throwing more sand, and I started getting more frustrated and I started packing things up, and I almost like walked away from her because I was so angry I needed a minute. And that was when she had cultivated the rocks and was following me to the car. It was just to me, it was like scary and premeditated, and I was like, this is not good. But then I thought about it, you know, what is she feeling? And that was when I let go of what everybody else would think, and I just looked her in the eye and I said, you know, what's going on right now? That was that was very scary what you did, and that really hurt me. Are you angry? And she was like, Yeah, because you wouldn't play with me. And so it was like she got to express her anger. I still felt scared and it hurt for a few days, so I just kept thinking of it. And so I I read a few things and I got this idea to tell a story about the rock that doesn't like to be thrown at people. And I said a couple other things gently to her. A day later, she was freestyling. Sometimes she'll just pick up her ukulele or she'll pick up something and start playing an instrument and just start singing a song, like making up a whole song. It's so beautiful. And a lot of the time it's her processing new words she's learned or experiences she's had in the day. And she was singing a song about throwing rocks and not gonna hurt you. And it was just this beautiful moment where I realized, yes, mom, you did the right thing by being choosing compassion over. Um I don't know what the word is. I think it's like you want to instill respect in your child. You don't want to be afraid of your child. I deserve respect. Yes, it's like, yeah, but I feel like yeah. And anyway, the the bottom of the the end of the story is in that moment that she was singing, I realized I I trust your intuition, mama. You did the right thing by choosing compassion, and she is learning something. She is

Voice Embodiment And Creative Healing

Osha Rose 42:15

processing, you know, the emotion she went through. Maybe she'll do it in a different way next time. You know, like you said, she'll grow out of it, she'll keep learning, and that's that's my hope. I feel like um they're so little and they're so precious. And the more we can help them work through these emotions, these big emotions that are just bigger than their bodies, you know, yeah, the the better it will be, the less harm we'll be in.

Mare Anatolevna 42:40

Yeah, no, totally. I I feel the same way about raising my kids because in in like the way I grew up, we weren't allowed to have, you know, big emotions. You know, what are you upset about? You know, there's nothing to be upset about. Or like, because so what I've realized through my own journey is that when I was a kid and you know, my sisters and all of us, our problems weren't really problems. Oh, you're a kid, it doesn't matter, right? But it does matter in a four-year-old's world that my mom is not playing with me right now, it's the end of the world. And so when we take that, hey, if my problem matters as an adult and I need to take care of it, like what can I do about it? Then that's how I look at it. Then my six-year-old needs the same energy from me because I'm gonna teach him from early on that okay, we have a if you have a problem with something, what can we do about it? Like, what is the solution to it, right? And sometimes he gets so upset about something he just starts shutting down, and he'll be like, No, I can't do this and this and that and whatever. And I remind him that, well, but what is the solution? How do we like how do you get done that something you wanted to get done? And sometimes I also have to just wait, just wait until he's done crying. And then with all these big, you know, big, big moments of like, this is too hard. Like with homeschooling that we just started, give him a few minutes of break, but then I bring him back and we're like, okay, let's do it together. And we'll see through together. Like sometimes, like I totally try and see, like, okay, now I can push him a little bit more. Right now he needs me. Like I try and see those things. And um the more I like tune into with his like rhythm and how he is, the more I see growth. Like he will mirror to me, you know, that respect, but I'm not talking, like I don't use the word respect like at all. Right. But he sees because when I take the time to see my son, to see that he is upset about something, and I'm like, hey, I've son, I've I've said too many no's today, haven't I? It's like, yes. You know, and he's being very honest with me. And I like honesty is super important to me. Like, I'm not gonna say I'm gonna call, you know, maybe cops on you or whatever. You know, those little things where we try and like you know, make them listen to us. Like, I'm not perfect, and sometimes I I might like come up with something, but I try not to use like really scary things. I might say that, hey, you don't get your game or something, you know. But altogether, I try not to use this kind of like manipulative way of like you know, this and that. I know we all instilling the fear, yeah. Like I totally try and be honest that this just doesn't work right now, and that's just what it is. But tuning into his rhythm and seeing that okay, I pushed too hard this time. Like clearly, you can see he's having the biggest emotion right now, right? So it's a feedback to be that okay, how can I do better? And I've seen him to me, I've seen him grow beautifully, right? We all have things that are oh, we have these weird sides of us or this and that, you know, everything, everything there. I'm like, hey, it's all cool. Like that's just who he is. But when I think about like the development, the growth, and all that, beautiful, really. Like, I think he's an amazing kid, and just the way he mirrors be back me back, what I put into him. And it's the same when when I'm, you know, when I start getting overwhelmed with my own projects, because I am sometimes I'm like, Mara, you're six months postpartum. Okay, you have a little one, you just started homeschooling, and all of a sudden you also want to do these things. So, yes, I do get overwhelmed, and sometimes with this last episode for my YouTube, that editing was way smoother because I'm better at it, and I was like, no more than two hours at a time and different days, right? But the first few ones, I was like, pretty much get away from it right now because I'm in this bubble and I really need to finish this. Like, I still try and be very nice about it, but at the same time, I also need him to understand that hey, it's very important for me. Yeah, and another thing actually, what I've been started doing is that I don't I used to always say mommy this and mommy that, but now when I'm working on my own thing, I say Mara, Mara needs to do this, so that he understands that yes, there's she is my mommy, but she also is sometimes just Mara who needs to work on her own stuff. So that's something new, and I'm trying it out, but I feel like something I want to do. And so, yeah, like it's been very like the last few years have been very interesting in a sense of how I've been growing, and now all of a sudden I'm out of this big egg of like protection and everything, and at the same time, I see with my son too, you know. Like yesterday we were at the restaurant, he's like, excuse me, could I get more napkins and I would like this drink? And when I saw him do that, I was like, You're six and you're asking for your own things, you know? And I'm when did I do the voice of Catrix? When was it? It was 2000 and was it 22?

Osha Rose 48:06

Yeah, March 2022, yeah.

Mare Anatolevna 48:09

I I can't remember, it was something like that. And I was like, look at me, I'm here like pretty much almost 30 years old, and I'm like, Laura Rose, hold my hand because I need to do things, right? Because I'm scared to use my voice, I'm scared to use this. But here's my six-year-old at the restaurant. Hey, excuse me, this is that, and to me, it's so beautiful to see that hey, he's using his voice, he's not scared to use it, and that to me is so important, and of course it is because you know my story is so very different.

Osha Rose 48:35

Yeah, and so you became a mom just at the end of your 20s.

Mare Anatolevna 48:44

Yeah, I was 28 when he was born, and then I turned 29 the same year.

Osha Rose 48:49

Wow. Yeah. And now having your second child, you're you're in your 30s, you're in the beginning, and you found all this creativity. To me, that the creativity came through, like it was there as a child. It would trickle through in my life, but it it came through with a with a force as soon as I became pregnant. Like I started doing all these things online, like storytelling and singing was coming through in my stories, and then songs were coming through, walking pregnant with her once I moved back east. I was living in California when when the pandemic started and then got pregnant and then moved back east. So it was like this adventure already when when she had come in through. But I I just she was born on my 39th birthday. So I had all this this time in my 20s and 30s without being a mom. Um I guess my point of the story is I look back and I think, I could have done so much with that time I had before I became a mom, but I just don't know if like timing, but then also this ability to like the desire, the the the motive, like everything's different now. It's like I want to be all of me so my child sees and understands that she can do that. She can do that too. But one thing you had also said before about respect. I think it's beautiful. I think that compassion you have for your your children and your ability to really feel into them and how big their moments are, like like the fact that you can understand that my daughter her m her mother not playing with her on the beach was everything. You know, that was a big deal for her. I don't know if every parent can see it that way because of their own experiences, like you were saying you had, but sometimes, like with you, I think it does shape us to to want something different, you know, for our children. Somehow, some way along the way, you were able to get to a place where you could see that that wasn't how you want to, you don't want to carry that on. You don't want to keep doing that. I think sometimes that happens. I know that happened with my with my family. It's like this is better than it was for them, but it still isn't quite where I want to, you know, I want to be with my children or my child. But something else you had said um reminded me to just share that when the rock first hit my head, I didn't handle it as compassionately or as well as I had hoped. My fear kicked in, my nervous system kicked on, and all I could think was, I'm a single mom. If she just killed me or hurt me so badly, like how would I take care of her? And how would I get her to the hospital? Like, how would I get to the hospital? Like I just I felt alone and just so scared in that moment. So the first thing I said to her wasn't what I really wanted to say to her, but it was out of fear. And I I put her in a car seat and I said, You just hit me in the head, and that could break my bones or cause harm to my body. And what would you do if you didn't have your mom? Like, I just I said the thing that was like fear, and she started crying, and it just like wrecked me. I was like, Oh shit, what are you doing? Like, this isn't how her brain is gonna understand. All she knows is you're scared, and now she's scared. And so I like had her in the car seat so I could like shut the door and just like take a minute. Cause it's like when they're when they're in the car seat, it's like safe space for me to just be able to like, even if she's screaming,

Discipline Through 30 And 100 Days

Osha Rose 52:20

I know she's okay. But I had, I needed, I just wanted to make sure I made it clear that it was not easy to shift in that moment because your nervous system, you're under attack. Like your body is like, wait, am I okay? And I didn't do anything back to her. Like, I think kids might like throw rocks back at each other or something like immediately. So I at least had that going for me where I was like able to stay present in that moment where I was like, I'm not under attack. But the fear on the of being unable to care for her of harm came to me is something I realized I wanted to do um a little work on like later that night. And I think that was why it was a I was able to kind of step out of because I reacted the way I did and saw her reaction, felt my reaction to her reaction. I think that's when I came back down from that elevated state, a fight or flight. And I realized, how can I communicate this to her without scaring her so that she hears it? And I think the biggest thing is respect, like respecting where she's at, what words are actually gonna really compute to her. Like the things you're saying right now are just reminding me, like, yeah, these are the these are the steps so that like help us be the better parent. Is like, this is where I'm at, this is where she's at. I respect the difference. I'm gonna teach her and model for her how we can talk about things to understand how the other one's feeling. But it's it's amazing with with her. It's like when I do take the time to ask her a question about what she's feeling, like, oh, you just threw that across the room, and that's something you really love. You must be angry right now. Are you upset? Yeah, because blah, blah, blah. And it's like you just, you know that they have, you know, you're you're doing the thing that's gonna help them move through this, you know, big moment and big emotion. And, you know, at the in that moment, I was like, oh, it must be nice when people have a partner that's there for them. Cause I could have like gone home and like shared the story, had someone be like, It's okay, you did exactly what I would have done or better. Like, don't beat yourself up. Are you okay? Do you need some ice? Oh, but I did that too. I had her help me ice my wound. And I said, you know, mama got mama got hurt and she loves being a doctor, and so that helped, like teaching her how to care for me, and yeah. But I anyway, I'm going back and forth between like feeling bad for myself, but then realizing like it's all good. Like I'm just I'm teaching her, yeah.

Mare Anatolevna 54:51

Like having a kid, you know, it opens up this whole new world, right? Yeah. If you notice that, hey, I want to do better, you're gonna have moments where you're like, wow, I way overreacted, right? But the fact that you notice it and then you're like, How can I better it? That to me already is like honestly amazing. Because I mean, are you gonna have more moments like this? Of course you are. Am I gonna have more moments where I'm like, not today, or whatever? Or I say something that you know I can't write now, like just get away from me. And I know I'm gonna have those moments, but what really matters is that how what do we do after that? Do we just leave it and hey, I'm the you know, I wasn't right and I'm not gonna do anything about it? That's where I believe it would go south in that sense. But when we take the time to go back and be like, okay, let's talk about what happened, or you know, and bring it down to their level, where like, you know, make a song about a rock or however else, something, you know, something creative, something that a kid would understand, that to me is like everything. Because like if you think about your own journey of like being a kid and all those things that you maybe got upset about here and there and how it was handled, like I feel like when we tune into our kids, and even though there might be something where we, you know, we didn't behave the way we wanted to, or we didn't react in a way that we wanted to as a parent, but when we tune into them, we know how to get back to this, you know, that middle where he feels good and I feel good. And that I think matters the most because at the end of the day, I'm a human, right? I'm gonna have so many more moments where my nervous system is gonna kick off and be like, this is freaking danger, even though it's my own kid. And so, what do we do after? If I can't handle it in a moment, what can I do after? So, to me, that's already like amazing that you even, you know, how can I fix it? Yeah, so yeah, and and it's also something that I notice with myself that sometimes I do get overwhelmed, and I'm gonna have moments like this. And so another thing that I'm also learning are boundaries, because now he's bigger, and I'm like, it's you know, we need to start separating because you are Byron and I'm Mare, and yes, I'm also mommy, but sometimes we do different things, and that's you know, a part of it life, also, right? Because one day he's gonna leave, even though right now he's like, No, mommy, I'm staying with you forever. But like, even that, and it's it can be uncomfortable, right? Because it's almost like severing this cord. But of course, I try and be like um, I guess more soft about it, but at the same time, I'm like, well, sometimes help doesn't work, you know? It's all about like about this certain, you know, person you have, like who is your kid? Like, what do they like, what I don't like? So it's gonna be different for everyone, right? But yeah, learning to be like, hey, this is the limit and this is the boundary, and you can't go over it. If you do, there's gonna be consequences, and that to me is new too. But the consequences are not like extreme consequences, they're consequences of like, you know, as they get bigger, the consequence will be bigger because there's more responsibility on you. But that six-year-old, it's still not. I say it's not big, but for him in his world, it's like, whoa, I don't get to play my spores game. It's like an evolution game where you start with being this one cell and then you turn into creature, herbivore or something, right? To him, it's a big thing. But yeah, doing the nervous system work is definitely one of the foundations, I would say, when it comes to motherhood and even creativity. Like, I would not have my creativity, I would not have my YouTube channel right now. I wouldn't have any of it, you know, sharing my trauma, sharing what happened to me, right? If I hadn't done the work that was like, you know, through um Laura Rose's uh workshop or some other things that I've done. And now I realize that throughout the day, when I start feeling overwhelmed, I totally try and like, you know, embody it. I try and actually live the way that I'm like sharing it right now. I try and take little like little micro moments. I don't have like a whole hour to dedicate right now. Let me just, you know, we'll be doing homeschool, but I'll put some music on. Nothing super crazy or loud because he's doing his studies right there. And the little guy, you know, the baby, he's on the floor, like crawling and doing his things, and I'll just go take one of the bowls and you know, help my like fascia with it, you know, like body, or I'll do some breathing exercise. But even if it's like two minutes, I'm like, it's better to do two minutes throughout the day a few times than like this one big session. That's like something I also learned through the guitar, 100 days of guitar, is that consistency, but like micro is way more powerful than showing up this one time and being like, Oh, you know, I got it all. Like that, yeah. And so, yeah, nervous system is you know the way to go if you want to start healing and if you want to start bringing more creativity or being a better mom, you know, being the mom that maybe you wanted to have, right? Or yeah, nervous system definitely needs to brought back to safety and be like, okay, I actually feel safe. I don't have to like I don't have to scan everything and everywhere wherever I go. Because that's what I used to do, yeah.

Osha Rose 1:00:29

And it it serves me too. Like it in that moment after the rock, like it served me. I I took that moment, I stepped out and I said, Is this do I need to be activated right now? Is this you know, and I could sense no, I'm in safety. She's you know, she's in her car seat, everything's okay. Yeah. So what I want to do is get you back so we can talk more about what we're saying right now with the nervous system because there's so much here, and it's really the essence of the first season of our podcast, Super Bloom, where, you know, if there's breathing exercises that you are looking for, um, some guided meditations, also just this understanding of what we're saying, like what's going on in the body, what this nervous system is. Um, I share a little bit about brain waves too, like how you can kind of notice through the amount of activity in your head, whether you're in like a high active state or whether you're in a relaxed state. And breathing can help you get there. Music can help you get there if you want to, you know, calm down the activity and the waves. But yeah, I definitely want to talk more about that. I love everything we've you've shared about parenting and weaving in your creativity and and finding, you know, time to take care of yourself, your your children, um, you know, packing and unpacking homes and just, you know, all of all of the ways that you've um shared with us today. I think it's really inspiring, especially to moms that are wondering how they can find more time to be creative in a way that that feels really good. I mean, problem solving to me is creativity, like when you're, you know, how can I get a solution to this or picking out dinner? Like there's just creativity to me. There's more of it in our days than than we realize. But I think when I say creativity, it's like picking up a guitar.

Mare Anatolevna 1:02:31

Yeah, it's like super like drawing and like getting more and all that, right?

Osha Rose 1:02:35

Yeah. I want to talk more about the background of how you are creating this this YouTube channel of your mini-series. And you were saying how it got easier the second time with the editing, but to me, it's still mystifying what you're doing, like the crumpling and uncrumpling of paper and putting like things behind you, and just your timing is so beautiful and the way you change your coloring. And like, so for me, from a because I love I'm learning all of this and teaching myself this stuff too. And so I love to see what you're doing because it's it's inspiring and so creative.

Mare Anatolevna 1:03:06

Thank you.

Osha Rose 1:03:07

Um, but yeah, I don't know, like what comes next? Like,

Parenting Big Emotions With Compassion

Osha Rose 1:03:10

these are my my thoughts as we close out this episode. You know, what's next for Mada? Like, what what's on your mind first?

Mare Anatolevna 1:03:17

Actually, I uh what's what's interesting is that you know how you mentioned earlier, like, why couldn't I have done something in my 20s or 30s, right? Like, where was this stuff? But I truly believe that we need to honor our timelines, the things are gonna come through when they're gonna come through. Because I was thinking the same. Hey, I moved from Estonia when I was like 23 or something, and I didn't have my first kid until I was almost 29, right? I was like, why didn't I do all this soul work and everything right then? I wasn't ready, like I had to do the things that I did, even though sometimes at first I was looking back to it and I was like, Did I waste it? But I was like, you didn't waste it, like you were just trying to come back to safety, and that took you time. Like that's how much unraveling I had to do. And now when I'm thinking about where am I going, it's it's very exciting because as I said, everything happens and it's you know when the time is right, and I guess right now is the time for me, even though I just started homeschooling and I have a six-month-old baby, and I'm like, oh, how about I do this and I do that? So the other day I had um I did a Zoom call with two of my sisters. I was like, would you like to be my um like someone that I can practice on pretty much? And I did a workshop about womb and how we're connected to the cycles of life itself, right? The rhythm of Mother Earth. And when I finished it, I was on fire in the best sense of it. I was like, this is one of the things where I want to expand into, right? And it was so eye-opening to me that my voice is my gift, right? I have to use it more, and so yes, I'm expanding my YouTube channel. I'm gonna do my there's a 10 or 11 mini-series because there's a lot of work that I've done over the years to help myself get over the fear of being seen, like a lot, and I really want to share that. And then there's you know, the cover songs that I do. That's just my playful side of me that hey, I would like to cover this song. And I just started vlogging because there's also another part of my life itself where I can share the bigger moments or shifts in my life that happened within a month, because the plan is to post once a month, you know, how the month of October was. And uh I'm also working on my website slash blog because my YouTube channel is Mare's Music Diary and her life in motion, and then my website is gonna be Her life and story. So pretty much if YouTube is all videos and motion and you can all see all of it, then blog is gonna be through the words and you know, stories and articles. And I'm very excited about that too, because I used to write a lot. The difference now is that I go from writing in Estonian to writing in English. So there's this shift of uh since I'm already thinking in English over the 11 years that I've you know lived abroad, then I'm like, hey, I'm quite English-speaking person by now, so that shouldn't be a problem. And so yeah, and there's of course lots more ideas and things that I'm doing in the background, but I'm just not ready to share those yet. But to think about where I was, simply surviving, right? Always scanning for danger, always scanning, oh God, something's about to happen. I have to protect myself, to picking up guitar, making songs, sharing, you know, my story on YouTube, putting myself out there. To me, it's absolutely amazing. And I'm like so proud of the work that I've done. And I truly wish, I think my mission in life has really become to inspire people. And I think mostly women and moms who feel like they're stuck in this something, right? There's this block of or fear or whatever it is, and to inspire them and show them that there is a way back home to yourself, and that's where really the magic happens. Like we're all magic, like all of us, but there's just so many layers of all of it that am I able to see through it, right? So, yes, I it was it really is inspiring, even for myself, to go through all of it and put it into this, you know, it's coming together as a package in a sense, it's coming together for me, and I'm just so happy to be alive again and not just survive and be like, well, this is just what it is, right? Yeah, and I'm I'm grateful for all the teachers I've had, all the you know, other inspirational people that I've met or I've listened to. Like, if it wasn't for Louis Lhe after my surgery, I wouldn't be here, you know. I'd be probably still surviving somewhere.

Osha Rose 1:08:25

So yeah, I feel that way. Like people you've mentioned have helped me too, but Abraham Hicks was somebody else who brought me to this other spiritual level of like, oh, right. There's a source that we're tapping into when we when we connect with this creative flow, when we like this healing. It's like getting back to this like source energy. And when I was pregnant and it was COVID and it was with somebody that I had just met, there was just all this fear and anxiety that that listening to, you know, there's certain people that just help you in these really hard times. So yeah, I'm I'm grateful too, but I think it's kind of wonderful that our paths, like Joe Dispenza, was really important for me too, like in my journey of just connecting with um the mind and reprogramming it. So the things that I want to talk about with you for next time are like, you know, what's what's currently, you know, coming through for you creatively, um, how the nervous system ties in with your days of managing it all, because I think we could all learn from you as far as like those two-minute pockets. And you know, that was just such a great little chest um example of how we can fit it in. And then um, yeah, reprogramming the mind and just the ways that you've been able to help with that. So we'll definitely do another another interview with you. And I'm just grateful, yes.

Mare Anatolevna 1:09:49

Yeah, there is there's of course there's just so much because I mean, it's been 10 years of doing things, really like you know, going into my closet right here and like bawling my eyes out, and then like, okay, now that you've done the crying and you've done all that, I've heard you now, what are we gonna do about it? And that's something new that I've started when I was pregnant. And you know, another really key thing I've realized over this whole journey is like, yes, I take the tools that other give me, but over time, my intuition has kicked in so much. Like when I did the voice of creatrix the second time, each session, the Zoom session with it, I would start by what they're saying, follow it, and next thing you know, I'm doing my own thing. And to me, that is like wow, like the source that I have inside of me. I can like it will turn on like itself almost when the conditions are right. And to me, that's been so beautiful. Where I'm like, like I said, I go to my closet, I'm like, this is something I have to do for myself. Like, yeah, there's other tools that have been given to me and they worked until you know my own blueprint, I guess, comes and takes it over, and like, thanks for starting it, but I I got it from here, like I got myself from here, and that to me is something I didn't expect at all. I was like, wow, look at this! Like, there's some intelligence just taking me over and doing it for me, and that to me is like absolutely mind-blowing. That's why I'm like, oh, there's so much more to share, and so much more to like the things that I've uncovered throughout this journey. It's beautiful, it's just so beautiful, and I mean, sometimes it's a little woo-woo, and sometimes um, I'm not ready to share all the details about it yet, but I definitely had what is it called? Like spiritual, I don't know if breakdown, I don't know if it's like that would be the right word to what I experienced, but I definitely had this moment of like, wow, I've been definitely giving away my power for this to this someone. And then comes to find out it was my trauma of my father not being there for me because I was like, this someone's gonna come and save me, right? And I remember as a kid, I would imagine, you know, when there was like something hard going on. I would imagine how as a kid it would be an actor, like either Chuck Norris or Jackie Jan or someone who's like martial arts, they're strong and they can protect you. And in my head, they would come and save me from so many things. And I know that it was my nervous system doing what it needs to do, so that I feel somewhat that this uh situation was like you know, riveted, right? And so when I was it was I was in Hawaii, so like three years ago, I came to that realization where I was like, What am I doing? I've been waiting for someone to come and save me. And when that hit me, like when I did the exercise and I realized that it's like a curtain full of like lies and distortion, just full filled down. And guess what? I started doing next. I went to take voice lessons and I started posting my music because I was like, I'm my own savior, I'm gonna come and save me, right? But it was it's recent, it's only a few years ago, right? So yeah, it's the beginning. Yes, yes, it's only the beginning. That's why I'm like I'm I'm doing like uh you know courses in the background where I'm like I'm done playing small, I'm done making myself smaller because sometimes that was another thing of people pleasing. I have to make myself smaller so others don't get uncomfortable, right? Yeah, and now I'm like I'm done with all of that, like I'm ready to really shine. You know, the last YouTube episode that I did, and I have this um the thumbnail where if you look in the video, you can see that um you can see the drum a little bit, and the way I said it, it was like it's moon, it's a moon, because I realized that me flown with the moon, like cycles of it is very important. You know, us as a woman, we bleed with it. And when I did the thumbnail for it, I was like, I'm gonna put a sticker of moon on top of it, and maybe to have slight witchy feeling, or maybe to have slight this mis mysticism, because I realized that's what I want, that's what I crave. I want my life to be like fairy tale, full of like blooming flowers and you know, uh lullabies

YouTube Artistry And What Comes Next

Mare Anatolevna 1:14:25

and and butterflies, but also you know, there's dragons that you need to slay sometimes, and there's you know, my own working with my nervous system because there's in fight and flight, but using very different words to bring my world together, and when I'm really starting to let it shine and come out, I'm like, oh my god, I I was excited that hey, I finished and edited this six-minute video, right? It took about seven or eight hours, but I liked my thumbnail way more, even though you know, when you look at it from the perspective of strategy, like how is it gonna work and perform on YouTube? It might not be the best options because you don't really see it when it's like tiny thumbnail. I didn't care about that. I was like, I was so excited about that. I put the moon on that drum, I put the cats in the corners, I put some shine and sparkles on it because I was like, this is me, this is what I wanna I wanna share and inspire. And that to me was like, there you go, next level unlocked. Let's keep going. What's what's next, right? Yeah, so it's been amazing, it truly has been, and I would love to share more because I truly hope to inspire and remind people that you are so much magic, like it's just inside of you. It truly is.

Osha Rose 1:15:43

So beautiful. Yeah, thank you so much for this. I'm so excited to share this. Mate, thank you so much for such a beautiful and open conversation today. I'm just so grateful that you are the courageous woman that you are, and that we are here today because of it. And your courage to be seen and share your voice is such an inspiration. So just know that you are you are inspiring. I look at my ukulele every day thinking, I didn't pick it up today. I better do it tomorrow, you know, thanks to that challenge. And then for those of you listening, I hope this reminds you that healing and creativity aren't separate, they grow together. And every time that you express yourself honestly, you bring a little more light into the world. So you can connect with Made on YouTube at Made's Music Diary and her life in motion. More coming soon from her. And thank you all for being with us here on Superbloom. May you keep creating, keep feeling, and keep blooming into who you really are. Yeah. Woohoo! Good job. Oh