Safety vs Control: What You Really Need to Stop Binge Eating

Many of us believe we need more control over our eating habits, more willpower, more discipline. But what if control is actually the problem, not the solution?

In this episode, I share my personal journey of realizing that my binge eating wasn't about lacking control—it was about desperately seeking safety in the wrong ways.

I explain why the more we try to control our eating, the more out of control we ultimately feel, and why creating internal safety is the missing piece for healing your relationship with food.

Previous episode referenced: The Restriction You Don’t Know You’re Doing

If you're tired of fighting against yourself and ready for a different approach that actually works, this episode offers both the insights and practical shifts to move from control to genuine safety with food. 

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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You've been told you need more willpower, more discipline, more control over your eating. But what if control is actually the problem and not the solution? Today works for my safety. Control just might be a missing piece in your bitch eating. And here to help you see bitch eating in a new way so you can finally break free. Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body. More breakthrough starts. Hello, trusted listener. I call you a trusted listener because I trust that something in today's episode will illuminate a path forward on your journey with food. I trust that you're here because deep down you know there's a different way to relate to food in your body, one that doesn't involve constant struggle and control. And I hope that you trust that I'm offering perspectives rooted in compassion, neuroscience, and years of both personal experience and professional work with clients. So last week we talked about hidden forms of restriction, those subtle ways we limit ourselves with food that we might not even recognize. So if you haven't listened to that episode yet, I will put it in the show notes so you can find it easily. And I really recommend listening to that episode because understanding the hidden ways that we're restricting really lays important groundwork for what we're talking about today. Now, today we are diving into something that is at the core of binge eating and disordered relationships with food. We're talking about the difference between safety and control. Now, this distinction sounds simple, but really it is everything when we apply it to your relationship with food. So many people believe that they need to control themselves, control what they eat, control how much they eat and when they eat. And our culture reinforces this belief constantly. We're told that if we're struggling with food, we simply need more willpower, more discipline, more rules. And when we inevitably fail at maintaining this rigid control, we conclude that we need even more control. If I can't control myself, something must be missing. I must need more control. But here is what I have observed, both in myself and countless clients. The more you try to control yourself around food, the more out of control you ultimately feel. It becomes a vicious cycle that feels impossible to break. You create rigid rules about food. You follow them perfectly for a while, and then inevitably you break them because they are unsustainable. And when you break these rules, you feel like a failure. You conclude you just need more control, more rules, more willpower. And so you create even stricter rules, setting yourself up for an even bigger rebound effect. And all the while, these rules, they feel threatening to your brain. So we go into the survival response. And this literally, this is the myth of control. It is the false belief that more control is the solution to feeling out of control with food. So I want to share my own story about this, about this topic. I remember when I first told my parents about my eating disorder. I was terrified to have this conversation. I'm not really sure why I chose to tell them out at a restaurant. We went out to eat and I told them. And I'm not sure why I did that. I probably thought that maybe it was safer to be in a place where they might have to control their own response. I'm not sure. It's interesting for me to think about that. Um, but my stomach was in knots. My heart was racing. And I was so afraid they were going to judge me and they were going to be disappointed in me. And I will never forget my mom's response. She said, I thought eating disorders were about control. And at the time that she said that, I didn't think she knew what she was talking about. I remember thinking, she has no idea. It's not about control. But honestly, I couldn't have told you what I thought it was about back then, because I still very much believed that I was broken and I needed to be fixed. And I also believed she had no idea. But over time and through my own journey of healing, I've come to realize my mom was right. My binge eating absolutely was about control. It was an attempt to control myself, my body, and often my emotions. I was trying desperately to control things that simply couldn't be controlled. So if control isn't the answer, then what it is. Through years of working with clients, I've discovered that what we are seeking, really seeking, it isn't control. It's safety. When we try to exert control over our eating, our bodies, our emotions, we're really trying to create safety for ourselves. When food has been our source of comfort, of course we would turn to it when things feel hard or unsafe or out of control. It's a pattern we've repeated for years, if not decades. But there is such a crucial difference between control and safety. Control is about restriction, rigidity, and rules. It's about forcing yourself to behave in certain ways, even when every cell in your body is resisting. Control is exhausting. Control is about fighting against yourself. Think about the energy behind control. It is very tight. Safety, on the other hand, is about nurturing flexibility and trust. It's about creating an environment, both externally and internally, where you feel secure enough to listen to your body's wisdom. Safety is energizing. Safety is about working with yourself. Think about the energy behind safety. It's open, it's expansive. So when you're operating from a place of control, here's some things you might do. You might create rigid food rules that make you feel deprived. You might push yourself to exercise even when your body is exhausted. You might ignore your body's hunger signals because they don't fit your plan. You might feel immense shame when you break your rules. You might think in all or nothing terms about food and eating. But when you're operating from a place of safety, here's what it might look like. You might create flexible guidelines that honor your body's needs. You might move your body in ways that feel good and energizing. You might listen to and honor your hunger and fullness cues. You might approach yourself with compassion when things don't go as planned. And you might see the nuance and complexity in your relationship with food. This dynamic of seeking control is especially present right now with everything that is happening in our world. There is a lot of uncertainty right now, and things are changing at a rapid pace. For many of us, everything feels out of control. And so it makes sense that we might find ourselves turning to food to try to control what feels uncontrollable. When the world feels chaotic, our instinct is often to tighten our grip on the things we think we can control. And for many people, food and body they seem like obvious candidates. But here's what happens: this approach backfires, leading to more anxiety, more disconnection, and ultimately more chaotic eating. The thing we are trying to do to create safety is actually creating more of a threat. So let's talk about safety and the different types of safety. I want to be really clear before we go any further. Physical safety is paramount. If you are not physically safe for any reason, if you're in an abusive relationship or you truly don't have access to the food and the financial resources you need to survive, this has to come first. Maslow's hierarchy of needs tells us we need to take care of our physical needs before we can even address our emotional needs. So if you are listening to this and you are in a situation where your basic needs are not being met, please reach out for help. There are resources available and you deserve to be safe. But when your basic needs are met, then we move on to the important topic of emotional safety. And this is where so many of us struggle. So many people are trying to use food to create emotional safety. The problem is it doesn't work. At least not in the long term. It might help you tune out. It might help you not feel for a brief time. But here's what happens when you come back to yourself. And you also have the emotional pain of doing the thing you said you wouldn't do again. And there's also those other emotions that you were trying to stuff down, they're still there, waiting to be acknowledged. But here is the beautiful truth. I want you to know you can learn to create safety on the inside. Safety doesn't come from a job. It doesn't come from the size of your body. It doesn't come from the status of your relationship. It comes from your relationship with yourself, the way you speak to yourself, the way you respond to your needs and honor your boundaries. When you can create internal safety, you no longer need external control mechanisms like rigid food rules or binge eating. You can trust yourself to navigate your relationship with food and your body from a place of connection rather than control. Okay, so how do we do this? Let's make this practical. How do we shift from control to safety? Right, here's a few approaches for you. Number one, notice when you're seeking control. Yes, we're going back to awareness. The first step is always awareness. Start to notice when you're in control mode with food. What situations or emotions trigger this? Are there times when you feel like you're trying to control more than others? If so, what's different? What are you afraid might happen if you weren't in control? Just notice these things without judging yourself for any of the answers. Number two, identify the underlying need. This is where we start to look under the hood. When you notice you're seeking control, ask yourself, what am I really needing right now? What would help me feel safe in this moment? Often the answer isn't more control. It's connection, comfort, or clarity. And it makes sense that if we're looking for comfort, we turn to food. It is called comfort food for a reason. But it's not the long-term comfort. It doesn't provide that long-term comfort that we're really looking for. So if I can understand the need is for comfort, is there another source I can go to for comfort? Number three, create a safety toolkit. What helps you feel safe that doesn't involve food? What helps you feel comforted that doesn't involve food? Maybe this is calling a friend, sending a text, journaling, taking a warm shower, practicing gentle movement, listening to some of your favorite songs, getting outside in nature, placing a hand on your heart, taking some deep breaths, build a diverse toolkit so you have different options in different situations. Different tools work at different times. And you want that toolkit handy, you want it accessible, you want to practice going to that toolkit in times where you do feel safe. So it's something that you already have experience going to. Don't expect yourself to go to your toolkit for the first time ever in the moment you really want to check out. That is not gonna work out. Number four, practice self-compassion. When you notice you're in control mode, when you've engaged in behaviors you didn't want to, respond to yourself with kindness rather than criticism. This doesn't mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It means you're creating the emotional safety necessary for growth and change. I always talk about shame and judgment are that 50-pound weight we put on the hood of the car that prevents us from getting underneath the hood to see what is going on. What is the underlying need? If we are in shame or judgment, we can't do any of that. We can't see the need. So shifting to kindness will allow us to get under the hood and see what's really going on. Number five, experiment with flexible structure. Remember, the opposite of rigid control isn't chaos, it's flexible structure. Work with your body rather than against it by creating gentle rhythms and routines around eating that support your well-being without strict rules. So I want to share a story about a client. And really, this is a story about a lot of clients. I'm just going to call this client Sarah, but this is the story that many, many of my clients experience. So Sarah came to me after years of cycling between strict dieting and binge eating. And she was exhausted by the constant battle, the constant battle with food, but she was terrified of what might happen if she loosened her control. But what she actually noticed was she didn't have the amount of control that she thought that she used to be able to have. The rules and the extremes that she used to be able to follow, she couldn't even do anymore. So she felt even more out of control. But she was so afraid to loosen control anymore. So we started by identifying all the ways she was trying to control her eating. The rules, the restrictions, the punishments. And then we began to focus, control, focus, to shift the focus from control to safety. She learned to check in with her body throughout the day, to respond to her hunger and fullness cues, to actually reconnect with her hunger and fullness cues, and to meet her emotional needs directly rather than meeting them through food. And the most powerful shift happened when she finally realized that her binge eating wasn't a sign that she needed more control. She realized it was her body's way of seeking safety in the only way it knew how. And once she began to create genuine emotional safety for herself, the binges gradually decreased. And her relationship with food transformed. Now, does this mean every day is perfect for her? No, of course not. But when she has challenges now, she approaches them from a place of safety and trust rather than control and fear. And that is what makes all the difference. This shift from control to safety is at the absolute heart of the work that I do with my clients. I teach them how to cultivate safety and trust with themselves. Because here is the truth: it's not about control, it's about safety. You can feel safe inside no matter what is going on outside of you. You can trust yourself to take care of yourself. And if you want to learn how to create the safety for yourself so that you no longer need to turn to food when life feels out of control, I invite you to reach out. This is the work I do with my clients. It's not about control, it's about safety. You can visit my website or send me a message to learn more about working together because you deserve to feel safe in your body and in your relationship with food. That's what I have for you this week. I want you to remember your healing, this journey, it is not about finding more control. It's about creating more safety. I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to Binge Breakthrough. You can find the show notes and any resources mentioned at binge breakthrough.com. If you like this episode, subscribe to have future episodes delivered to you each Wednesday. And remember, you have a five star rating and review to help others discover these life changing places. See you next week.