Why Letting Go of All Food Rules Isn't Working

Have you thrown out all your food rules only to find yourself still binging and obsessing over food?

In this episode, I reveal why simply "eating intuitively" or "eating whatever you want" may not be working for you - and what's actually missing from your approach. I share why your brain might panic when you suddenly abandon all structure around food, how this triggers the very behaviors you're trying to overcome, and a more effective approach that creates true freedom without the all-or-nothing cycle.

If you're caught between rigid food rules and feeling completely out of control, this episode offers the understanding and practical guidance you've been searching for.

Previous episode referenced:

Expanding Your Capacity

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Transcript

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Have you thrown out all your food rules only to find yourself still obsessing over food? If intuitive eating hasn't given you the freedom you hoped for, today's episode reveals why and what's actually missing from your approach to healing your relationship with food. Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body. If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone. I've been there too. I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free. Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body. Your breakthrough starts now. Hello, trusted listener. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are here for a reason. Because something in your relationship with food isn't working and you're seeking answers. And I deeply value that trust that you place in me by listening to this podcast each week. Or if today is your first time listening, I trust that you are going to find something, you are going to hear something that is insightful and impactful on your journey with food. And in fact, trust is actually at the heart of today's topic. The trust you are trying to build with yourself around food. The trust that feels so elusive when you are caught between rigid food rules and feeling completely out of control. So today we're talking about something that might feel counterintuitive. Why simply just letting go of all food rules might not be working for you. Now, if you've been on this journey for a while, you have probably heard advice along the lines of just eat intuitively or let go of the diet mentality. And there is absolutely wisdom in that approach. But if you've tried to release all of your food rules and found yourself feeling more anxious, more out of control, or even binging more frequently, you're not alone and you are not doing it wrong. Today, I want to offer a perspective that might help you understand what's happening in your brain and in your body when you try to let go of food rules and why sometimes that backfires. And more importantly, I want to share a different approach that acknowledges where you are right now and creates a bridge to where you want to be. So let's start by talking about the paradox of food rules. I want to acknowledge this. Food rules feel safe. They really do. When you've experienced the chaos and the shame of binge eating, having clear boundaries around food can feel like putting up protective walls. So this might sound like see if you see if you can hear yourself in any of these rules. This might sound like I don't eat after 8 p.m. I only have dessert on the weekends. I never keep trigger foods in the house. Now, these these rules, they may feel like they're helping you to maintain control. And in some moments, they might. But as most of my clients discover, these same rules often become the very thing that triggers their venges. So here's what happens. You follow your rules perfectly for a while. You're feeling pretty good. This is great. I feel so good. I've caught this. Then something happens. Maybe you're at a social event. Maybe you're especially stressed. Maybe somebody brings in homemade cookies to the break room. Maybe you're just really hungry one day, and you break one of your rules. That moment of breaking the rule triggers shame because you've done it wrong. I did this wrong. I broke the rules. We trigger shame. And shame activates your amygdala. Your amygdala is that survival part of your brain that we talked about in the last week's episode about expanding your capacity. If you haven't had a chance to listen to last week's podcast episode, I highly recommend after you're done with this one, go back and check out that episode. There's powerful information there for you. So this amygdala, the survival part of your brain, it's activated. When it is activated, your prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking, reasoning part of your brain, it goes offline. This is the part that can actually think through what might happen with a binge. Think through how you might feel later. You know how sometimes after a binge, you're you're just miserable. You're so full, you feel awful, you're full of shame, all of the physical distress, and you think, I'm gonna remember this. I'm gonna remember this next time so that this doesn't happen again. You remembering that requires your prefrontal cortex to be online. But when the survival response is activated, it's not online, which is why then we go into the full-blown binge. And you're convinced that since you've already broken your rule, you might as well keep going. You know what this sounds like? I'll do better tomorrow. Any one of us who has been involved in binge eating for any period of time has repeated those words to ourselves so many times. I've already blown it. I might as well keep going. I'll do better tomorrow. Let me get rid of, let me get this out of my system today because I'm gonna be perfect tomorrow. I won't get to eat this tomorrow, so I better eat it now. I've got to finish it all today because I'm not gonna be allowed to eat this stuff tomorrow. The very rule that was meant to protect you has become the trigger for the behavior you were trying to avoid. This is the paradox of having food rules. But simply abandoning our food rules isn't always the answer. If food rules are problematic, why not just throw them all out? That's what intuitive eating and anti-diet approaches often suggest. And for some people, it works beautifully. But for many of my clients, especially those who have been binge eating for years or decades, simply abandoning all structure around food feels terrifying. And there's a neurobiological reason for that. When you've been living with rigid food rules for a long time, your brain has adapted to those boundaries. They've become part of how you navigate food choices. So suddenly removing all of those guidelines can feel like stepping off a cliff without a parachute. Your amygdala, which remember, your amygdala is that part that is constantly scanning for danger. It is always asking one question: Am I safe? So what happens is that your amygdala perceives this lack of structure as a threat. Danger, danger. We don't know how to eat without rules. We'll lose control completely. And ironically, this fear response can actually trigger the very behaviors you're trying to overcome. Again, your amygdala, when it gets activated, that prefrontal cortex, it goes offline. And so you can find yourself in a binge, despite your best intentions, to eat intuitively. So I see this scenario play out so consistently with clients. They hear advice like this. They hear just eat the cookies whenever you want them. And eventually you won't want them anymore. So they go all in on eating whatever they want whenever they want it. They're told that if they just honor every food, thought, and craving, their body will naturally find balance. But here's what happens: they keep wanting cookies and chips and pasta. The initial binges might lessen somewhat, but they still think about food constantly. They still feel like they're eating all the time. They're eating significantly more than before, often gaining weight that makes them uncomfortable in their bodies. And it feels like there is only one alternative, which is to go back to the old food rules. But here's what happens. When they try to impose, re-impose those rules, they discover they can't even stick to them like they used to. Their willpower seems completely depleted. They think, why? I used to be able to follow these rules for weeks before I would binge. Now I can't even think about a rule. Or maybe I can only do it for half a day before all of a sudden the binges come back. And it feels like a never-ending cycle with no way out. And the reason is because everything feels like a threat. It feels like a threat to go back to these rules. It is a threat to the nervous system. If I'm going back to previous restriction, previous starvation. If I've got no rules, this feels like a threat too. It feels like a threat when I'm when my body is getting bigger and bigger, and now my clothes don't fit. It all feels like a threat. I saw this recently with a client I will call Sarah. She had been following strict keto rules for years. And after learning about intuitive eating, she decided to throw out all of her food rules overnight. And what followed was three weeks of almost constant eating and weight gain that triggered intense body anxiety, and ultimately a return to even stricter rules than before, which she couldn't maintain. The things she was doing before she eliminated all of her rules, she wasn't even able to go back to those. And this isn't because intuitive eating is wrong. There are a lot of amazing things about intuitive eating. But her brain and her body weren't prepared for such an abrupt transition without the right support and understanding. So what's missing here? What's the missing piece? If strict food rules trigger binges, but abandoning all structure also triggers binges, what is the solution? So the answer lies in understanding what your brain actually needs to feel safe. What we know from neuroscience is that your brain forms neural pathways based on repeated experiences. If you've repeatedly experienced that breaking food rules leads to binges and shame, that is a well-worn neural pathway in your brain. And similarly, if you've experienced that having no boundaries around food leads to feeling out of control, that's another established pathway. So we need to create new neural pathways. And this creation of new neural pathways, it's so possible, but it takes time and it takes consistent, repeated experiences of safety. You can't just decide intellectually to change these patterns. You need to give your brain new experiences to learn from. And this is where most approaches fall short. They focus on changing behaviors without addressing the underlying need for safety that your brain is desperately trying to meet. So instead of focusing on rules, which trigger shame when they are broken, or trying to abandon all structure altogether, which can trigger fear, I encourage my clients to think in terms of rhythms and experiments. Both of these approaches cultivate safety within your nervous system, which is key to helping keep that pre-frontal cortex online. Rhythms are flexible patterns that support your well-being, not rigid rules that punish you when you deviate from them. They acknowledge your body's natural needs while creating enough structure that your brain doesn't panic. So for example, instead of I never eat after 8 p.m., a rhythm might be, I usually feel better when I give my body time to digest before sleeping. Do you see the difference? One is a rigid rule that can trigger shame when broken. The other is an observation about what generally supports your well-being, with room for exceptions when needed. Now, another powerful tool is approaching changes as experiments rather than permanent commitments. This shifts your brain from a state of fear. What if this doesn't work and I spiral out of control? What if I can't do this for the rest of my life? We shift it from fear to curiosity. And curiosity sounds like: let's see what happens when I try this. I can always change my mind. I can always go back to other patterns. Let's just see. Let's get curious and see what happens. So let me share an example from another client. I'll call her Susan. Susan had a strict rule about never keeping chocolate in her house because she was sure that she would binge on it. And instead of simply throwing out this rule, we designed a small experiment. She would buy her favorite chocolate, something that she loved, not just a safer version, not just a we can only have this tiny amount. We can only have a little bit or only this item. Something that she really, really enjoyed. She could eat it whenever and however much she wanted. But the only invitation was to pause briefly before eating it to notice what she was feeling. Was she excited to enjoy the chocolate? Was she eating from hunger or from pleasure? Was she using it to soothe an emotion? There were absolutely no right or wrong answers, just curious observation, checking in, noticing what was happening. And the first time she did this experiment, Emma enjoyed the chocolate the same day she bought it. But instead of seeing this as problematic, we viewed it as perfectly natural and as valuable information. Her brain had been so conditioned to see chocolate as forbidden that of course she was excited to have it. And of course, her brain thought, I may not get this tomorrow. We better eat everything that's here today because it might be gone tomorrow. I may not get to eat this again. This is a food that has always been taken away from me. So I think it might happen again. But we continued the experiment and gradually something shifted. By the fourth week, she reported that there were days she'd have a little chocolate, and there were days when she didn't think about it at all. The chocolate began to lose its power. It was becoming just another food in her home. It was no longer a fear food. And each experiment, each time she got curious about the chocolate, being around it more often, noticing what was happening for herself, physically, emotionally, through all of it with this, it created a new experience of safety for her brain. And each time she ate chocolate without spiraling into a full-blown binge, she created a new neural pathway. Now, I want to be really clear about something that is so important. This process isn't linear. You don't just bring a food that you have never allowed yourself to have in the house. You don't just bring it in the house and then all of a sudden you feel safe around it. There will be times when you eat in ways that don't align with what you intended. There will be binges. There will be moments when old patterns emerge. And how you respond in those moments is perhaps the most important part of this entire journey. When your amygdala perceives danger, which includes the danger of having broken a food rule or eaten in a way you didn't intend, it needs reassurance and safety to calm down. This is where self-kindness becomes not just a nice idea, something for somebody else, but it is a neurobiological necessity. When you respond to these moments, when you binge, when you eat in ways that you don't prefer, when you respond with self-criticism and shame, you are essentially confirming to your amygdala that yes, this is indeed a dangerous situation. You're reinforcing the neural pathway that leads from breaking a food rule to binging. But when you respond to yourself, to your amygdala with warmth and understanding, huh? I see that I'm eating differently than I intended. I wonder what I really need right now. You begin to create a new pathway. You're teaching your brain that deviating from your intentions isn't a catastrophe that requires an emergency response. And this is what I mean when I talk about wrapping your amygdala in a warm blanket. You're creating safety, not through rigid control, but through consistent compassion. So, how do you put this into practice? How do you create a bridge from where you are now, perhaps still reliant on some food rules, to where you want to be with a peaceful, intuitive relationship with food? First, take inventory of your current food rules. Write them all down. The ones you consciously follow, and the ones that might be operating under the surface. And for each rule, ask yourself Is this serving me? Is this creating more peace or more stress in my relationship with food? Next, choose one rule to experiment with. Eliminate completely, but soften and explore. Turn it from a rigid rule into a flexible rhythm. So, for example, if your rule is no carbs at dinner, you might soften it to I'll experiment with different amounts of carbs at dinner and notice how my body feels. Approach this as a genuine experiment with curiosity rather than judgment. We aren't looking for good or bad or right or wrong. Just notice what happens in your body and in your mind as you explore this new flexibility. And most importantly, when things don't go as planned, when you find yourself eating in ways that don't align with your intentions, practice responding to yourself with warmth and understanding. This doesn't mean you don't care about your health or your goals. It means you understand that sustainable change comes from creating safety, not from perfect adherence to rules. All right. The goal is not to have either perfect food rules or no food rules at all. Can you see we're actually on two sides of a pendulum here? The goal is to develop a relationship with food that feels peaceful and supportive of your overall well-being. And for most of my clients, this looks like having some flexible guidelines that support their health while maintaining enough room for joy, connection, and spontaneity. It looks like being able to deviate from those guidelines without spiraling into shame and binging. And most importantly, it looks like responding to themselves with consistent kindness, no matter what or how much they eat. Now, if you're struggling to find this balance on your own, I want you to know this is not easy work to do. There are so many conflicting messages out there. You might, and it depends on which podcast you listen to. You could tune into one podcast who will tell you you need to count macros. You need to do this, you need to have these rules. Don't eat after this period of time. Uh, make sure you do intermittent fasting, whatever it is, you might hear that. Then you might listen to another podcast that says no food rules. Throw out all the food rules, go all in, have whatever you want, whenever you want. Eventually it will all balance out. There are so many different messages out there. It makes sense that it would be super confusing to know what to do. And if you listen to one and you listen to another, of course, then we're literally confused. And the brain doesn't like uncertainty. It also then feels unsafe. So find a supportive community. Find support. Sometimes we can't do this on our own. Whether we might even just have blind spots, I can't, sometimes we can't even see the thing that is keeping us stuck. So I have a couple of things I can offer to you. Number one, if you have recently had a binge, if you are looking for some support, some quick support, like SOS, I need help. I have a Swift support sessions that will give you two targeted sessions to help you in those moments where you need the most. I can typically help somebody see blind spots they can't see on their own. So a Swift support session, two Swift support sessions for you is an incredible opportunity. I will put a link to that in the show notes. I also want to let you know, I have a workshop. If you are listening to this live in March of 2025, I have a workshop coming up to address exactly what we are talking about here with how do I do this? How do I stop binge eating without going to extremes? I feel like I am either completely trying to follow the most perfect rules or I am eating everything. I'm either restrict, I'm in restriction or I'm in rebellion. But I how do I do this without going to either extreme? That's what we're going to be doing in my upcoming workshop. The details will be out on this next week if you are listening live. I will be sure to include it in next week's podcast. And speaking of next week's podcast, I'm excited to be participating in Podcast Thon with all bodies on bikes. So I am excited to introduce you to this incredible organization, uh, really combining two of my favorite topics. So it's going to be a really unique episode that I am very excited to share with you. All right, until then, I invite you to experiment with just one small shift from rigid rules to flexible rhythms and to practice responding to yourself with warmth when things don't go as planned. Thank you for listening. I want you to know your journey with food, it's one part of your magnificent, amazing life. You are so much more than your eating patterns, and healing is always possible. By listening to this podcast episode, you have taken one more step towards your healing. I'll see you next week. If you like what you're hearing on the podcast, you will love my new book, The Binge Eating Breakthrough. Why food isn't the problem and what really is. Discover why willpower isn't the answer, why restricting certain foods often backfires, and why understanding your brain and body is the key to lasting change. Learn to shift from shame and self blame to curiosity and compassion. Get it today at janepilger.com forward slash book.