A Nervous System Approach to Goal Setting

Most goal-setting advice completely ignores your nervous system - and that's why most goals fail. 

When you understand how your nervous system responds to different types of goals, you can set yourself up for sustainable success instead of constant struggle. 

This episode reveals why traditional goal-setting often backfires and offers a completely different approach that works with your body instead of against it.

What You'll Discover:

• Why most goals trigger your nervous system's threat response
• The difference between "away from" and "toward" goals and why it matters
• How to set True Goals that work with your nervous system
• Why willpower isn't the answer (and what actually creates sustainable change)

If you've ever felt like you were fighting against yourself to achieve your goals, this episode will help you understand why - and show you what to do instead.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Previous Episode: What Does the Nervous System Have to Do with Binge Eating?
• Cultivate: Jane's signature group program for creating sustainable change with food (opens in April - get on the waitlist to be notified)

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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Last week, we talked about what the nervous system has to do with binge eating. This week, we're taking that understanding and applying it to one of the biggest things people do in January: goal setting. If you've ever set a goal and felt like you were fighting against yourself to achieve it, or found yourself setting the same goals year after year, this episode is going to show you why and what to do instead. Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body. If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone. I've been there too. I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free. Each week you'll give the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body. Your breakthrough starts next. Hello, trusted listener. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you're here not just to set goals, but to understand why some goals feel easy and natural while others feel like an uphill battle against yourself. Today, we're talking about goal setting from a nervous system perspective. And here's why this matters. It assumes willpower and discipline are enough. But when you understand the nervous system, like we talked about in last week's episode, you start to see why that approach fails so often. Now, before we go into this, if you have not yet listened to last week's episode about what the nervous system has to do with binge eating, and you don't have much familiarity with the nervous system, I recommend that you hit pause right now, go back and listen to last week's episode, and then come and listen to this episode. Now, if you do know about the nervous system, then this episode, it will be fine for you to listen to. You'll just hear a couple of terms that I use that are unique for the way that I simplify talking about the nervous system, and I'll point those out to you. So back to goals. If your goal triggers your nervous system into a threat response, you are going to struggle. And it's not because you're not disciplined enough, but because your nervous system is designed to keep you safe. And sometimes it does that by keeping you exactly where you are, especially if it perceives that the changes required to reach your goals will be threatening or dangerous. So let me talk about why most goals fail, especially around food and your body. So we talked last week on the episode that when you're in home base, home base is what I describe as the window of tolerance, that place in your nervous system where you are grounded. When you are there in home base, you have access to your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain, your ability to make aligned decisions. However, when your nervous system perceives threats, you go into survival mode. You flip your lid. That prefrontal cortex is no longer the one making the decisions. You don't have access to it anymore. Your brain is now run by the amygdala, the survival part of your brain. So just knowing that and understanding that, now let's think about the goals that you've set in the past around food. Maybe they sound something like this: I'm gonna stop binge eating. I'm gonna lose weight. I'm gonna eat perfectly healthy. I'm gonna overhaul my diet. I'm gonna never eat sugar again. I'm gonna get all of these bad foods out of the house. What do all of these things have in common? They're focused on fixing a problem, getting away from something you don't want. And here's what your nervous system hears: there's a problem. There is something wrong. There is a threat, and we need to get away from it. When you set a goal rooted in the belief that something is wrong with you, that something needs to be fixed, you are activating your threat response. You're moving yourself out of home base. And from that place, you don't have access to your best thinking or your ability to make aligned decisions. You are in survival mode. And this is why goals around food and body often feel like a battle. Because they are. You are fighting against your own nervous system. Now, there's another reason goals fail from a nervous system perspective. Familiarity equals safety. Your nervous system knows how to keep you safe where you are right now. It knows the patterns, the routines, and what to expect. But when you set a goal requiring significant change, your nervous system doesn't know how to keep you safe in that new version. So it keeps pulling you back to what's familiar. Not because you're sabotaging yourself, but because your nervous system is doing its job. This is why big, crazy, big, significant changes are often very threatening to the nervous system. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't change. It means you need to approach goal setting in a way that works with your nervous system instead of against it. So I'm going to share with you a completely different approach to goal setting. This is what I teach inside Cultivate, and it's based on something called true goals. We just did in Cultivate, we did a 90-minute workshop on January 1st all about true goals. It has been so powerful. All of the members are setting their goals. We're writing them down. And what's been so fun is the members are like, wow, I have never seen this type of approach before. This feels so different. I can feel the difference in my body. And I wanted to share at least some of it. I can't get into all of the details with you, but I'm going to give you the basics so that you can practice, try this on for yourself. True goal. A true goal is not about fixing a problem. A true goal is not about getting away from something you don't want. A true goal is about moving forward, moving toward something that you would love, something that lights you up, something that you want for no other reason, other than you would love to have it. A true goal is like an end result, what you really want to create for yourself. And the format is simple. I choose dot dot dot. And that dot dot dot is the end result you want to create in your life. So for example, I choose to feel calm, connected, and confident with food. Or I choose to trust myself. I choose inner peace. I choose to experience freedom and ease around food. I choose to be a peaceful eater. Notice the difference in energy. When you say I choose to feel calm, connected, and confident with food, how does that land in your body? Now compare that to I'm gonna stop binge eating. The first one feels like expansion, like possibility, like something you're moving toward. The second feels like constriction, like something you're trying to get away from. This isn't just about positive thinking. This is about working with your nervous system. When you set a goal that's about creating something you want, about moving toward something that feels good, your nervous system doesn't hear threat. It hears possibility, it hears invitation, and it can stay in home base. Now, even when you set a true goal, you will probably encounter some resistance. Change, even positive change, can feel threatening to your nervous system because it's unfamiliar. I see this with clients all the time. Someone sets a true goal, like I choose to feel calm and confident with food. They love how it feels when they say it. But then a few days in, or even shortly after saying it, they notice resistance. A part of them saying, Yeah, yeah, right, this isn't gonna work. Or who are you kidding? Or they just notice this subtle pull back towards old patterns. And understanding this changes everything. That resistance isn't a sign you're doing something wrong or that this isn't the right goal. It's your nervous system doing its job, trying to keep you safe by keeping you in familiar territory. And when you can recognize it for what it is, a protective response, rather than seeing it as evidence you can't change, you can have compassion for it instead of fighting it. You can acknowledge it. I notice there's some resistance here. That makes sense. This is new territory. What do I need to help my nervous system feel safe with this change? And inside Cultivate, we go deeper. We go and we talk to the parts that put up the resistance, the parts that are like, yeah, I'm not sure. We haven't done that before. The parts that make it feel like I'm not so sure. We go and we do work to connect with those parts. We don't just push them off to the side. We don't just willpower our way through it. We work with the resistance. We understand it, we work with it, and it softens. Now, the other important thing here is to understand the difference between true goals and specific goals. So a true goal is the big picture. It's the end result you want to create with that format of I choose dot dot dot. And your dot dot is the outcome. It's the end result that you want. So, for example, I choose to feel calm, connected, and confident with food. Now, your specific goal goals are the action steps that help you get there. So this might sound like I practice checking in with my nervous system before I eat. I ask myself the three powerful questions. What do I notice? What do I need? What's next? I want to have an urge. I eat one meal this week in home base without rushing. I practice responding to myself with kindness after a binge. You need both. You need the true goal. The true goal gives you direction, it pulls you forward, it reminds you what you're creating and why it matters. And the specific goals give you concrete practices that help your nervous system feel safe with the change you're creating. They are the how that makes the true goal achievable. So the mistake that people make is either setting only specific goals, which just feels like tasks without purpose, a to-do list you're supposed to follow, or only having a true goal without action steps, which just kind of feels unclear, maybe even a little overwhelming. You know you want it, but you have no idea how to get there. When you have both, the specific goals don't feel like obligations. They feel like choices you are making towards something you actually want. And choice is the key in all of this. That's why we start the sentence with, I choose for your true goal. And then the specific goals, we choose what specific goals we want to take, knowing that if I do these things consistently, I will be closer toward that end result than I am right now. So let me give you a concrete example. Let's say your true goal is I choose to experience freedom and ease around food. If you approach this with rigid rules, no eating after seven, no sugar, track everything. Your nervous system will eventually rebel because restriction signals threat. But if your specific goals are supportive practices, noticing your nervous system state before eating, asking yourself the three powerful questions, eating your meal in home base, they don't feel like restriction. They feel like care. Maybe it's getting curious, becoming, and we have uh somebody inside Cultivate who's becoming a scientist of their hunger. You're really getting curious. What does it feel like? What is hunger like for me? Then your nervous system can stay regulated while you build toward that true goal. And over time, through consistency and self-compassion, these new patterns become more automatic. And that is sustainable change. Not through force or willpower, but by working with your nervous system. We're also working with the parts, with the resistance that comes up along the way. We're not forcing ourselves through it. Now, one more thing. True goals should feel good when you say them out loud. They should feel expansive, like something you want to lean into. And if a goal feels heavy or like I have to, I should, that's information. Look at how you can reframe it from an away from goal. I'm trying to get away from this thing I don't want. Move it into a toward goal. I'm moving towards this thing I really want to have. So I want to stop binge eating is something I'm trying to get away from. It becomes I choose to be a peaceful eater or I choose to trust myself around food. Feel the difference? That is your nervous system responding. And when you set goals that work with your nervous system, when you build from creating rather than fixing, you don't just achieve your goals, you become someone different. You expand your capacity, you build trust with yourself. And that trust is what sustainable change is actually built on. And this is the work we do inside Cultivate. We set true goals that light you up, that pull you forward, that work with your nervous system instead of against it. And then we break them down into specific goals, concrete practices that help you build toward that bigger vision. We create a framework for sustainable change so you're not fighting against yourself, but building something you actually want, one small practice at a time. If you've set goals this year and you're already feeling that familiar pattern of resistance, of struggle, of fighting against yourself, I want you to pause and ask yourself, is this goal working with my nervous system or against it? Is it a true goal? Is it something you're moving toward, something you're creating, or is it focused on fixing a problem, getting away from something you don't want? And do you have specific goals, concrete action steps that feel supportive and doable? Or are you either overwhelmed by a big vision with no clear steps, or stuck in a list of have-tos with no bigger purpose? But these questions matter. These questions can shift everything. Now, next week, we're gonna build on this whole conversation even more by talking about the importance of rhythm and routine for your body. Because it turns out your nervous system loves predictability. When you have rhythms and routines that support you, your nervous system can relax. And when your nervous system is relaxed, everything else becomes easier. Because that's when you're in home base. When you're in home base, you have access to your thinking brain, the part of you that wants, that can set goals, that can make progress toward your goals. So until next week, I invite you to think about one true goal you want to create this year. Or if you would like, you can think about a true goal in each category of your life. So you could think about it around food, you could think about it around your body, you could think about it overall in health, you could think about it, you could think about a true goal around relationships, around your overall sense of happiness. You could take different categories of your life and create true goals. Now, I don't encourage you to set too many because that can become a little bit overwhelming. So you decide: do I want just one to really be my guiding compass, or do I want to create one for the key areas of my life? But be sure as you created whatever you want to create this year, it is not something you are trying to fix or get away from, but it's something you would genuinely love to create. Something that feels expansive when you say it out loud. And write it down in this format. I choose dot dot dot dot dot is your end result. Put it somewhere that you will see it. Say it out loud. Notice how it feels in your body. Does it feel like expansion or constriction? Does it feel like invitation or obligation? Does it feel like you're creating something or you're solving a problem? And once you have a true goal that feels expansive, that feels like you're creating something, it's like, yes, this is what I want for myself. Then think about one or two specific goals, small concrete practices that would support you in building toward that true goal. Not a whole list of rules or requirements, just one or two practices you could experiment with this week that if you do consistently, you will get closer to that end result true goal than you are right now. The key is starting small. Don't try to overhaul everything at once. Your nervous system needs time to adjust to change, even positive change. Pick one practice that feels doable and supportive and start there. Remember, you are not forcing change. You're creating it one choice at a time with your nervous system as your ally and not your enemy. That's what I have for you today. I'll see you next week. If you know you want to rebuild self-trust, if you know you want to stop looking outside yourself for answers and start listening to the part of you that already knows what you need, but you can't seem to do it on your own, I want to invite you to join me in the gathering. It's a monthly space where you can reconnect with yourself and rebuild trust from the inside out. Learn more at janepilger.com forward slash gather.