The Part of You That Hides

Does it ever feel like you are living a double life? Where you eat one way around other people but a completely different way in secret? Do you have a part of you that wants to hide your eating behaviors but don't understand why you do it or how to stop?

In this episode, I share from my own experience of hiding my binge eating for years, including a memory of sneaking food as a young child, and explore why secret eating and hiding food make complete sense as a protective strategy, and what it actually takes to begin stepping out of it.

What You'll Discover:

• Why secret eating and hiding food aren't character flaws and what the part doing the hiding is actually trying to do
• Why the hiding tends to increase the shame over time and what living a double life around food costs over time
• What the part that hides actually needs and why forced accountability tends to backfire
• Why the first step out of hiding has nothing to do with telling anyone and everything to do with how you see yourself

If you've been carrying this alone, whether no one knows at all or the people in your life only know part of it, this episode is for you.

Previous episodes referenced:

How to Talk to Your Loved Ones About Your Secret Eating

Understanding the Part of You That Wants to Binge (Part 1)

If you would like to explore getting support with your eating challenges, schedule a Breakthrough Call today.

Want to know why you struggle with food and what to do next? Start watching The Food Freedom Mini Series today. 

Transcript

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Does it ever feel like you're living two different lives? The one everyone sees and the one that happens when nobody is looking. The way you eat around other people and the way you eat behind closed doors is completely different. And underneath all of it is this constant exhausting fear. What would they think if they knew? Today, we're getting to know the part of you that hides, where it came from, what it's been trying to do for you, and what it might actually need. Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body. If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone. I've been there too. I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free. Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body. Your breakthrough starts now. Hello, trusted listener. I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you are here because some part of you is ready to understand yourself and your behaviors around food a little more deeply. And today's episode invites you to get curious about a part of yourself that you may have spent a long time trying to push away or outrun. So for a long time, I hid my binge eating from everyone. I can remember so clearly after my first binge, sitting on the floor of my dorm room surrounded by rappers. And my very first thought was, what have I done? I had eaten the entire care package of candy. But my second thought that came almost immediately was nobody can know. I was so ashamed of how much I had eaten. I felt so broken. I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. And I had so much shame and judgment for myself and what I was doing and what I was eating that I just naturally assumed that everyone else would have that exact same judgment towards me, also. So I kept it hidden through my friendships, relationships, even into the first year or so of my marriage. I've shared in previous episodes, I was married before I ever told my husband about my binge eating. It was a secret that I kept from the time that we met until it got so bad that my therapist finally convinced me to tell him. And I don't know if I ever would have told him without her. I was so convinced he would not love me if he knew what and how much I was eating. And I know I am not alone in that secrecy. I hear from so many people who have never told anyone about their struggle. Not their partner, not their best friend, not a single person. They have been carrying this completely alone, sometimes for decades. There are times where I am the very first person that somebody talks to openly about their struggle. And what's fascinating to me about it is when that conversation happens, there is often relief. It's like, oh, it feels so good for me to be able to talk about this and not be met with shame and judgment, which is the only thing I've ever been met with from myself over all of this time. Now, there are also others who's maybe their family or friends know a little bit about their food struggles, but not the full extent of it. This is super common when I ask people, do you have, do your loved ones know? They say, Yeah, they they know a little bit. They know I struggle. I've told them a little, but they don't know everything. They don't know about the late night trips to the kitchen or the real reason why they decided to cancel a planned get-together. There are many levels and many aspects of hiding, and it isn't just the food. That part of you that doesn't want to be seen, that doesn't want anyone to know about your food struggles. That's the part we're going to take a closer look at today, in a way you may never have looked at it before. So I recently had a call inside my Cultivate Group coaching program. And during that call, we were talking about hiding food and when it actually started. And it turns out for most of us, it started a long time ago, even before the binge eating began. So I have a very distinct memory of sneaking into the pantry when I was five or six years old and eating brown sugar straight out of the jar. I knew I was not supposed to be eating that sugar out of the jar. I knew it was wrong, but I also knew how good it felt when that sugar dissolved on my tongue. So I hid what I was doing, hoping that nobody would ever find me in there. And within the Cultivate group, and within so many clients that I have worked with, there are so many vivid memories of eating, hiding food as a child. So I want you to get curious. As you're listening right now, just get curious and ask yourself, when did I first start hiding food or what I was eating? When did I first start hiding? What is my earliest memory of sneaking food, hiding food, not wanting to get caught, not wanting to be seen eating? You might have an image come to your mind right away. And you might not. If you don't have an answer, totally fine. Just let this question sit with you as you listen today. And if you do have a very distinct memory, I want you to just bring it to mind and take this image with you as you continue to listen to what we have to say about kind of this part that wants to hide. For so many people, this pattern of hiding food goes back to childhood. And the nervous system learned very early that hiding was necessary. And what happens is that it is still running that same program today. Even though for so many of us, we actually don't need to hide anymore. So this is going to be the first episode in a short series on parts. And if you're new to the idea of parts or don't really understand what I'm talking about, or you want to go deeper on what they are and why they develop, I'm going to encourage you to go back and listen to episode number 156, where I introduce this framework. I'll put a link to it in the show notes so you can easily find it. It's understanding the part of you that binges. And I'm going to start this little series here with the part that hides, because I think it's one of the least understood parts of the binge eating struggle, but something that it's very universal. Something that so many, if not everybody, struggles with. And we spend so much time trying to get people to come out of hiding or thinking that we should come out of hiding. We are bad or wrong because we are hiding, but we never really stop to ask why we are hiding in the first place. So if you have heard me talk about parts before, you know I'm drawing on the idea we are not one single unified self. It's kind of, you can think of it as almost like a community of inner voices, each with their own perspective, their own fears, their own way of trying to help. Some parts are loud, some are frantic. Some of them are really good at staying invisible. And this part that hides, it's the last kind. It's the part that learned at some point keeping this hidden was safer than letting it be seen. It operates quietly in the background, organizing a lot of your behavior without you fully realizing it's there. Now, the thing to remember about parts is they are always trying to protect us. Even when what comes out on the other side doesn't feel protective at all, our parts are always trying to protect us. So this part that hides is trying to protect us. Sometimes it's from an actual danger, and sometimes it's from something perceived. It could even be something that was dangerous a long time ago that is no longer dangerous, but it still feels dangerous. So here's what this could look like in real life. Maybe you eat normally at dinner. You're with your family, you're with friends, you kind of uh eat eat what you would consider normal, which that could be a whole nother podcast episode. Then later, after everybody's gone to bed, you go back into the kitchen and you start eating out of the pantry, out of the fridge when nobody's there, when nobody's looking, where nobody can know. Or maybe you keep food somewhere else. You hide food, you kind of have a secret stash where nobody else would think to look. Or maybe you've gotten really good at eating out and about, and you make sure there's no evidence of what you have eaten before you get home. Maybe you stop at the drive-thru or multiple drive-throughs before you even get home, and you toss all that trash before you even get home. So let me tell you about my own experience. Here's what I would do: I would drive to multiple places on the same trip. This is when I was kind of at a period in my binge eating where I was mostly eating in the car. So I would drive from gas station to gas station. Maybe I'd go to a bakery, maybe I'd go somewhere else. Sometimes I would go to the store. But at each stop, I would only buy just enough so that it seemed reasonable. Not so much that anyone would look twice or think, oh wow, is she gonna eat all of that? I didn't want anyone to know how much food I would eat. And I would make sure that all of it was gone before I got home. No wrappers, no evidence, nothing to explain. I can remember one time I stopped at a uh, it was a donut store and it was on, it was along a pretty well-traveled road. And I can remember walking into that store and out of the store, I was so terrified that somebody was going to see me like recognize my car or see me walking in or walking out because the parking lot was, it was right on the road. And I was just sure somebody was gonna drive by and be like, oh my gosh, there's Jane. I can't believe she's at the you know donut store in the middle of the day. I was just convinced this was going to happen. It's so interesting for me to kind of just think back and like look at that shame around what I was doing. And then when I when I did work in an office around the holidays, when there would be gift baskets and food everywhere, I would find ways to bring things back to my desk, or I would slip them into my bag to eat in the car when nobody was watching, or I would even stay late so that I could eat this food after everyone else had gone home. None of it, of course, was planned at the time. It just felt like what I had to do. Kind of this compulsion to hide. And that's how it works. The part that hides builds a system carefully over time because it believes that system is keeping you safe. And it makes sense, right? Because the part that hides, it didn't just decide one day to be secretive. It learned that hiding was necessary. So this is where you can get curious for yourself, huh? How did that part, when did that part part learn that hiding was necessary? So maybe it learned that when people saw how you were eating, there were comments or looks or concerned conversations that felt more like interrogations. This happens a lot for people who feel like their parents were kind of policing their eating choices. Maybe it learned your eating was a source of tension or judgment or control by somebody else. Maybe it learned the only time eating felt free was when you were alone. So alone became the only place that felt safe. Or maybe it started even earlier than that, the way it did for me. A child learns very quickly what is allowed and what isn't, what gets attention, what needs to stay hidden. And the nervous system files that away. Maybe it's not about the eating at all. Maybe the whole struggle has always felt like too much to explain, too heavy to put on somebody else. And so the part that hides decided we're gonna keep this in here. No one gets to see this. For me, there was a lot of fear. It was fear of judgment, fear that people would think as poorly of me as I thought of myself. There was a lot of black and white and right and wrong. There was a wrong way to eat, and I was eating the wrong way. So if we think about that decision to hide, whenever it happened, it made sense. And at the time, it could have even been the right call. But the problem is this parts don't automatically update when circumstances change. So the part that hides is still running the same protective strategy it developed years ago, even if the original threat is long gone. Now, we also really need to look at the cost of hiding. So if you have been listening to this podcast, you have heard me say before that the number one thing, the number one reason why people binge, feel out of control around food is shame and judgment. And hiding is fueled by shame, by the deep belief that we are broken, that there is something wrong with us, that we are unlovable because of what we've eaten, what we weigh, what we look like. So the hiding feels like protection, but actually, it is the thing that keeps the shame alive. Because when it stays secret, it stays in the dark. And things in the dark tend to grow. Shame that's in the darkness. There is a particular exhaustion that comes with living a double life around food. And I'm gonna guess if you are listening to this podcast, you know what that feels like. There's the version of you that exists in public, composed, eating normally, fine, maybe even praised for your eating choices. This was me. And then there's the version that exists when nobody else is watching. You become kind of fluent in both languages, both versions of you. That composed, normal, perfect eater, and the version that's eating everything behind closed doors. You know how to move between them, what to say, what to hide, and how to make sure that those two versions really stay separate from each other. My husband was shocked when he found out all of this, was just like, wow. But that fluency between the two versions of you, it is not freedom. It is a full-time job. And your nervous system is paying the cost of it, whether you are consciously aware of it or not. I have worked with people who have been maintaining that double life for 20, 30 years or longer. And when I ask what it's been carrying like to carry it that long, the answer is almost always the same word. Exhausting. Now, here's what I want you to consider around this hiding part. The part of you that hides is not the enemy. It is not broken, it is not a problem, it is not the thing that has to be defeated before you can heal. It is a part that took on a very hard job and has been doing it faithfully, often for a really long time. And here's what I want you to consider that hiding feels safe, but it isn't. It is very likely the thing keeping you stuck. It is hard to move through this while staying in the energy of shame and judgment, because shame and judgment are exactly what the hiding is made of. You can't outrun the thing you are hiding inside of. So the key is a shift from shame to understanding, from judgment to compassion, from trying to eliminate that part of you to actually working with it. And when you can start to have a different relationship with the part that hides, something loosens. Doesn't happen immediately, it doesn't happen all at once, it doesn't happen overnight. It's gradual. And you may find that as it loosens, you start to feel ready for something that you couldn't have imagined before, which is finding a safe person to talk to. Someone who can hold what you've been carrying alone and help you see from a different perspective. Help you see what you couldn't see on your own. But that is not where you have to start. The first step isn't just telling somebody, it's letting yourself know. It's turning the lights on inside just a little bit. So the part that has been operating in the dark starts to feel like it doesn't have to hide and do this alone anymore. What that part needs is not forced exposure or accountability before it's ready. Those approaches tend to make it dig in harder because they confirm the original fear that being seen is dangerous. What it needs to learn is that you can be the one who sees it with understanding and with compassion, without that judgment that has been trying to protect you from all along. So I want to give you a few ways to start working with this part rather than against it this week. All right, number one, notice the hiding without making it mean something. So the next time you catch yourself eating in a way that you would prefer that nobody saw, I want you to just notice. Not judging yourself, not, oh, here I go again. But you might even say, you know what, that part that wants to hide is here right now. That small shift from self-judgment to observation begins to change the relationship. Here's a second thing you can do. Ask what the hiding is protecting you from. So get genuinely curious. If this part weren't hiding, would it feel exposed? What would feel exposed? Judgment? Conflict? Having to explain yourself? The answer to that question is huge. What is it protecting me from? What would happen if it wasn't hiding? Number three, you can practice separating yourself from the part. There is a huge difference between I am someone who hides food and there is a part of me that hides food. One is an identity that I am. The other is something you can get curious about. That distance, even a small amount, is where the work begins. Now, here's another shift. You can try acknowledging the part before you try to change it. So this part that hides has been working for a long time. If you know how long, you know it's been years, decades, and it developed for a reason. So just acknowledging it really can lower its defenses more than any amount of willpower or resolve. Let it be seen. And lastly, when you feel ready, consider finding one safe person that you can talk to about this. Now, this isn't like a confession. This is not to hold you accountable, but it's so that you are not alone with this anymore. And if you're not sure how to have that conversation or what to say, or even do I want to have this conversation, I did an episode on this. I'm going to put a link in the show notes. It's called How to Talk to Your Loved Ones About Your Secret Eating. So I'll make sure to link that in the show notes as well. And in the meantime, I want you to get curious about that part that wants to hide and just see if you can bring in some curiosity, some compassion to that part of you. And just notice what changes when you do. When you bring in curiosity and compassion versus shame and judgment for yourself. Now, if you have been carrying this in secret for a long time, hiding your food, what you're doing behind closed doors or at night when everybody else is asleep. I want you to hear this. You are not hiding because something is wrong with you. You are hiding because a part of you decided it was the safest thing to do. And that part was trying to take care of you. But the hiding is not going to get you where you want to go. The hiding will only make it worse. But the path forward is not about forcing yourself into the open before you're ready. That will backfire. It's about shifting the relationship from shame to understanding, from judgment to compassion. So the hiding gradually becomes less necessary. This isn't easy to do on your own, especially if it's something that you have been doing for years. So if you want support, how do I do this? How do I overcome my need to eat like this in secret? I would love to invite you to schedule a breakthrough call with me. It's a space you don't have to hide. You can be met with compassion without judgment by someone who has been there and who can help you see what might be hard to see on your own and to help you figure out your next step. So you can find that information at janepilger.com/slash breakthrough, and I'll have a link in the show notes. Now, next week we're going to continue this series on parts and we're going to talk about the part of you that checks out, the one that goes numb, zones out, and just disappears when things get hard. And if you've ever found yourself eating almost on autopilot and not quite knowing how you got there, that one is going to be for you. That's what I have for you today. I'll see you next week. If you've been trying to stop binge eating and nothing has worked, there's a reason. I created the binge breakthrough mini-series to help you finally understand what's driving your binge eating beneath the surface so that you can actually start to change it. Each video is short and they're designed to give you the clarity and direction you've been missing so you can stop feeling stuck and start finding your way out. Start watching now at janehilger.com forward slash mini. That's janepilger.com forward slash mini. M I M I