Learning to Tell Yourself "No"

We naturally want WHAT we want, WHEN we want it. But most of us also know that to get everything we want when we want it is not the best thing for us in the long run. 

Learning to say "no" to yourself is vital to changing a long-term habit, a current behavior, or achieving a goal. Heidi shares examples and a four part process to saying "no" to yourself.

Take Aways

• Saying "no" to yourself is a useful skill to develop.
• It leads to greater self confidence and peace.
• Example 1: Long term habit of nail-biting. 
• Example 2: Current behavior of throwing dishes away instead of washing and reusing them.
• Example 3: Achieving a goal of being healthier by losing five pounds in the next two months.
• 4 part process: Desire. Recognize. Decide. Practice.
• Applying the process to the examples above.
• Heidi shares about her realizing she made conversations really awkward by how she answered the question, "How are you?" during her husband's first deployment. 
• She went on to change her response and it made life better overall. 

Want to feel better? I'd love to help. Book a 30 minute call with me (Heidi) here. 

Heidi's links:

• Heidi's website
• Heidi's Instagram

Are you here for pmdd support? I've got you.

• 5 Ways To Feeling Better with PMDD: I created this free download to help women with pmdd feel better. I wish it had been around when I first learned I had pmdd. 
• Semaine PMS and Period Support Supplements: These supplements have reduced cramps and helped level emotional downs that I (and my teen daughter) experience. Book a one off support call Just need some friendly advice about your pmdd journey? A support call is Free support call with me. 

Music 

• Music- Island Breeze by Surf House Productions |...

Transcript

Episode 77: Learning to Tell Yourself "No"

[00:00:00] Hello, this is the Living Well with PMDD podcast. I'm your host, Heidi Bradford, certified life coach, mom of five and PMDD Survivor. Happy to have you here. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only, and should not be considered health advice.

Hello and welcome. So happy to have you here today. I would like to share today a method for learning to tell yourself no, I'm gonna share some examples . I've identified, four steps in this process. Before I jump in, I hope you're having a lovely fall and was it two days ago, our two youngest kids carved jack of lanterns and their faces were so precious when we lit the candles and , my 8-year-old said.[00:01:00] 

Wow. It really looks how I thought it would. And anyway, just the wonder, you know, of that age. It's such a beautiful thing. Let's get right to this. When I say learning to tell yourself no, what comes up for you? Is it very obvious and obvious like, well, yeah, I do that all the time, or I hate doing that, but I've learned to do that, or, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Wherever you are, um, this is a skill that can help you overcome long-term habits. It can help you overcome a habit that right now, you realize it's not serving you well, and so you wanna change it and it can also help you to achieve a goal. I think [00:02:00] I have an example for , each of those ways that learning to tell yourself no benefits you.

Here's an example, someone I'm very close to chewed their fingernails. That was one of their habits. They've had this for a long time. Biting your fingernails, that's what it's called.

They have at times, broken the habit. You know how it is with those long-term habits. You can sometimes break the cycle for a while and sometimes, the habit will come back and you'll, need to address it again.

Well, that was kind of how this had been dealt with for years and years. And then one day this person came to me and said, I chipped my tooth, biting my nail, and I am never going to bite my nails again. . I was so surprised. I was like, are you [00:03:00] serious? And sure enough, they had chipped their tooth. It was just a little chip, but it's enough that their tongue feels it.

And this person highly values good hygiene, and especially tooth care. They've taken care of their teeth since they were young. And this was just so mortifying and so startling that they were like, never again. I do not wanna risk that happening again. And it sounds really random too. I dunno.

To me, I'm like, that's crazy. And that person has kept that commitment , since that time. So that's one example of a long-term habit, but that had a catalyst. The chipped tooth was a catalyst and it, led them to being like, no more, never again.

, A second example. , A friend of mine shared that [00:04:00] when she was in college, , if she got backed up on her dishes, she would just throw them away and the garbage. And then she would go and buy new plates, new, new dishes, whatever she threw at, she'd just buy new ones. When she got married she did not wanna do that anymore. she , decided, she just, she told herself, no, I'm not gonna do that anymore. And that is the first step. 

We've had two examples.

The next one is, um, achieving a goal. For achieving a goal , I wanna use it an example of being healthier and doing that by eating less. Let's say I have a goal of losing five pounds in the next two months, and I wanna achieve that by [00:05:00] eating less. Right now I currently often have seconds on dessert, let's say.

When you're achieving a goal, the pain point doesn't matter as much. It can be really general or it can be more specific. , You know, people set goals for all sorts of reasons, just to be more of the person they want to be. That's okay. Or to be healthier and or to have better financial freedom through spending less.

 for learning to tell yourself, no, there's four steps. The first one is identifying the behavior or the habit that you currently have that you wanna change. Then you're gonna recognize. Why it's bad or why you want to change. There needs to be a reason. Then you decide what you're [00:06:00] going to do and you're also gonna commit to not doing the behavior anymore.

, And then you're going to practice saying no, which includes some follow through behaviors as well. So let's take each of these examples and go through the four steps just so that you can see how this works.

The first example, the desire was to never bite their nails again. Second they recognized I could hurt my mouth again. I already chipped my tooth. I do not wanna do that again. Third, they decided no more. and then fourth, they practiced. When their hands went to their mouth they thought of that chipped tooth. That happened over and over closer to the time of when, [00:07:00] um, they tipped the tooth. But after a while, that desire that even inclination to lift your, their hand and bite the nails, it went away. It did take time. And it took practicing the hand, going up and reminding themself, Nope, not doing that, and putting the hand down.

Okay. Example two: she still wanted to throw out her dishes. When they piled up, that was the first urge. Like, let's get rid of all of that. Let's have a clean slate.. And she recognized that that's not going to be helpful in the long run.

I want to wash the dishes. Then she would practice. Inevitably the dishes sometime are going to get stacked up. [00:08:00] And she would want to throw them all away. That had worked before that had solved the problem. It gave her a clean slate, but she doesn't wanna do it anymore. So when the urge comes to throw them away, she has to remind herself, I'm not doing that anymore.

Let's wash the dishes now. Or decide on a time, I'm gonna do that tonight with hubby 'cause I don't wanna do it myself and I'm unwilling to throw away the dishes anymore. In the beginning it's harder. So for her, the urge to throw away those dishes and solve the problem that way was stronger in the beginning.

Okay, and with the third example.

They go through the [00:09:00] process, desire, I wanna eat less because I wanna lose a little bit of weight. I recognize that eating seconds that's one area that I could easily trim off some of this weight. Let's try it.

Then they decide I'm not gonna do it anymore. And it might have a default. When they go to get that second dessert, they instead get a glass of water. You don't need to have a default if you don't want to. Then practicing. This is where the rubber meets the road. You won't know the effects until you try. For this person, I go to get that second, uh, piece of cake at a wedding reception.

I'm walking back to the table, I set the cake down, and I think, oh, shoot, I'm [00:10:00] not doing this anymore. And I pick up the piece of cake and I go and I put it back on the table.

The same thing's gonna happen when I get, a second dish of ice cream. Oh, shoot, I am not doing that anymore and I'm going to put the ice cream back. If you're using your, like, used spoon, if that's still in the bowl when you dish it, then you need to, you know, dispose of the ice cream, or I guess you can offer it to someone else.

That is a necessary piece though. The practice, the follow through. Over time that really, really, really strong urge and desire to get that second dessert. It's gonna go away, it's gonna dissipate, and in a year you'll, you will be like, I can't believe that was such a big deal to [00:11:00] me a year ago.

I wanna give you one more example. This is a personal example. When my husband first deployed, I chose to go and live at home again, and some of that time was spent at my sister's house as well. I had three kids at the time. I would see people from my growing up years and some of my high school classmates and people like that.

And I got the question, how are you doing? Or how are you? Quite a lot. And for the first month that he was gone, I would become a basket case. I would start crying either right at the onset, like trying to answer and be like, oh my gosh, I'm really struggling, or my husband's gone and I just can't seem to get everything done and my kids don't listen to me. I would complain and complain, . Often there was a real issue. , I can't remember during that deployment, [00:12:00] the specific ones that came up. I can think of the ones during his second deployment. As an example, like the washing machine breaks or the dishwasher stops working, like these things that they're just so annoying.

If you've ever talked to a woman whose husband has deployed bad things happen, like cars break down suddenly your insurance stops just crazy things.

You can talk to somebody whose husband is deployed and you'll hear some of the weirdest stories. But that was my habit. That was my habit because in my head I needed to be honest. If they're gonna ask me, how are you. I need to be honest with them. Well, about a month in, I realized that it made the conversation very awkward, and there wasn't really anywhere for it to go, except sometimes the person would give me a hug.

And [00:13:00] that would help. And then we're able to move on. But a lot of times these are people I haven't seen for 10 years, or if I have, it's been very sporadically. I realized that they were just being polite. And I decided I didn't like the, the awkwardness.

Then if we take step two, I recognized it. I recognized one it didn't seem to help me feel better. Two, it left us in an awkward situation and. Three, I guess just along with that, there was nowhere for it to go. We couldn't recover from it.

So I decided not to do that anymore, and I did at the time, come up with an auto response. My auto response was, I'm [00:14:00] good, how are you? Or, I'm okay. Thanks for asking.

Then I put it into practice.

In the beginning of doing this, of shifting to this behavior. When I responded to their, how are you, after my response, I would feel very tense. It was like I was holding my breath and somehow I thought that something would go wrong.

Every single time, the conversation would just move on. My body would relax and I could breathe and we would then talk about other topics. I went through that experience of the tenseness and the holding my breath and being afraid something was gonna go wrong at least three [00:15:00] times before that, lessened before my body didn't get quite as tense and I wasn't quite as apprehensive.

I came to really, really appreciate that I learned to tell myself no. We're not going to unload our emotions on an unsuspecting person. And yes, we will take the time to share our emotions at appropriate times and with appropriate people.

I felt better. I had better long-term results from this behavior than from, sharing my very tender emotions and worries with almost strangers at random times.

This also gave some other long-term benefits in terms of relationships with my kids. I feel like it contributed to me being able to be more [00:16:00] present , in the moment with them instead of experiencing so much self pity.

Because I was not bringing up the negative things and the hard things as much it wasn't as much on my mind. It wasn't on the tip of my tongue. It wasn't just right ready to like come out.

I actually enjoyed them more. I could also see beauty in the world around me more than I had before. The world seemed a little bit dark, and it seemed pretty unfair, and I felt like so many things were stupid. But I think instead of it being that that's how the world was it was me just reveling in that self pity and sharing that with everyone. Everyone.

The results will come with practice. I think of the scripture in Matthew, by their fruits, he shall know them. If [00:17:00] you put this into practice, if you decide, this is something I do wanna change, and you put it into practice, you'll see the fruits and you can decide if they're good or bad and go from there.

Self-discipline. It is something we really, really, really need. And sometimes we think we have it when we don't. If you are not telling yourself no at least once a day to something you want to do, either you have really, really, really good routines and good habits already. Or you're not exercising self-discipline and it's a muscle that needs to be developed for your overall wellbeing.

It will contribute to your self-confidence and your peace. That's all I have for you today. Have a great week.

Thanks so much for listening to the Living Well with PMDD [00:18:00] podcast. To learn more about life coaching with me, visit my website Heidi, H-E-I-D-I, bradford coaching.com. Until next time, keep hoping, keep loving, and remember that you are not alone.