Why Clients Resist Your Best Advice | EP 109

Ever give a client advice they asked for, only to watch them push back, get defensive, or quietly stop responding to you altogether? Kasey breaks down the psychology behind why this happens and what it actually means for how you coach.

In this episode, she covers:

• What psychological reactance is and why it shows up in coaching relationships
• Why clients resist advice they directly asked for, even when they trust you
• The research on trait reactance and which clients are more prone to it
• How directive language like "you need to do this" can backfire
• A simple shift in how to deliver recommendations so clients actually follow through
  
  

If you've ever wondered why a client keeps circling back to the exact habit you're helping them change, or why they've gone quiet on check-ins after agreeing with your advice, this episode is for you.

Tune into the episode to learn how a small shift in delivery can change whether your advice lands or gets resisted.

Sign up for the Client Follow Through Formula Boot Camp [STARTS AUG 10]

Connect with me on Instagram!
 

LEAVE A REVIEW, WIN A WORKSHOP! After you leave your review, take a screenshot and upload it to this form to be entered to win

Want me to answer your questions on my next Q&A episode? Send a voice note or drop your questions here

Sources:

• Brehm, J. W. (1966). A theory of psychological reactance. Academic Press.
• Hong, S. M., & Faedda, S. (1996). Refinement of the Hong Psychological Reactance Scale. Educational and Psychological Measurement, 56(1), 173–182.
• Shen, L., & Dillard, J. P. (2005). Psychometric properties of the Hong Psychological Reactance Scale. Journal of Personality Assessment, 85(1), 74–81.

Transcript

0:00

the most most well-formed coaching advice is the exact thing that is getting in the way of your clients taking that advice, actually following through And getting results. Hello my friends, and welcome back to not another Mindset show. I'm your host, Dr. Casey Joe. My goal with this podcast is to take the science of mindset and behavior change and distill it down into actionable takeaways for you. Together we're gonna unpack research around motivations, self-sabotage, willpower, and so much more, and we're going to take all of that and translate it into strategies you can immediately apply to your health. Fitness, relationships, business, marketing clients, all of the things. But just to be clear, it's not all serious and sciencey around here. We're gonna have a ton of fun too, and I'm so excited to share all of this with you. All right, let's go ahead and get into the episode. Welcome back to Not Another Mindset Show. What do we do? What do we do when your client asks for advice, you give them advice, they don't take the advice, and you're like, "Why are you even asking me in the first place?" Or worse, which is kind of what we're gonna talk about today, in this episode specifically, they push back on your advice, even if they maybe asked you for it. They could have asked you directly, and they were still like, "Yeah, but I don't know if that'll work because… But I don't really wanna do it that way." They push back. Maybe they get defensive. They could even then dig in harder into the behavior that they're wanting to change to either not do that or to stick with what they're currently doing and try to convince you that what they're currently doing is actually the better option. And you're like, "What is, what is actually going on here? Did you not hire me to be your coach?" I think we've all been there at some point. In fact, it's not even… Uh, This could go in so many directions, like, not even just in the coach to client relationship. But if we're talking about other relationships in our lives, be it for those of you who are parents with children or your significant others, And me being like, yeah, I feel like that that would be a really big one, your spouse, your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend. And this is coming from the person who's been basically single for the last three and a half years. Hey, I do have a date tonight. The dress is cute, right? For those of you on YouTube, people are listening like, "Kacie, get back on track." with that said, this goes into every relationship where you offer advice even if someone asks you for it directly, and then it seems like they just immediately push back on it, and you're like, "Okay, why, why am I here then?" Right? So the instinct in a coaching relationship is to think, "Okay, well, maybe they're just not ready for this. Maybe they don't really trust my advice after all. Maybe they just don't understand. They need more education. They don't get it yet." Or, or maybe, just maybe, it's not actually the advice itself. Maybe they already know plenty, and they can hear your advice and go, "Yeah, that is supposed to work," but then they still push back, they still get defensive. It's not the content, but it actually, stick with me please, it might be the delivery, yes, your delivery of said advice. It triggered some sort of response that made them resist it, and I doubt it was the, "Oh, you're trying to get more steps in? Maybe you should park your car at the back of the lot every time you go to the store, you go to work, you go wherever," and they push back on that. I don't, I don't think it's that they don't know that that would work, or they don't understand the importance of steps because that's why they're asking you about it. I don't think it's that they're simply not ready to increase their step count, right? It was, it was probably the delivery, and that triggered a response that just made their resistance feel like the go-to in that moment, seem like the most logical thing to do is, "That's what, that's what we have to do." It was like a reaction in that moment. Truly, truly, truly, truly, my friends, the most well-intentioned, most well-formed coaching advice is the exact thing that is getting in the way of your clients taking that advice, actually following through And getting results. And that is what we're talking about today. That's what this entire episode is about. What is actually going on here, there is something called psychological reactance likely at play, and this concept has been around forever, like 1960s forever. And it's been around forever and continues to show up for a good reason. It is something that our brains do, your clients' brains are doing, that we need to pay attention to. When people perceive that their, their freedom of choice, their agency, their autonomy, I talk about autonomy a lot here, if they feel like it's being threatened, they experience a, a sort of discomfort that is driving them to get rid of that discomfort by restoring their autonomy, restoring the freedom that they feel like is being taken away. And I know that sounds, like, aggressive and doesn't necessarily, like, fit what we're talking about. Like, what do you mean my clients feel like their freedom is being threatened because I gave them advice that they asked for? That seems crazy. That's what's happening at least a lot of the time. This kind of attempt to then restore that freedom, it could look like literally doing the opposite of what they were told. Again, I don't, I don't have kids. I don't have a spouse or a partner or anything. I just have my dog. A lot of you know all about Letty. and Letty and I have a fine relationship. This isn't something we have to worry about . But wow, my brain is really just, like, trying to take you guys all over today. Log it up, Casey. This is why we have an outline. for those of you who do have kids, like, you probably do see this a lot, though. I've been around kids a lot, my friends' kids a lot, that you tell them to do something and so they do the opposite. That's them trying to restore their freedom and their autonomy and their choice. Yes, we're talking a- about kids, but this, this is the same kind of mechanism. Or your clients may then, like, double down on the thing that they were trying to do before that wasn't working and why they were asking for your advice even if it wasn't working before. It's like, "I'm just gonna go back to trying that again." The psychological reactance at play. So you guys know this. It's the classic, "I want what I can't have." Feels like it's being taken away from you, and so therefore, you want it even more. That is kind of the, the underlying statement. It's like the, the tagline for psychological reactance, is,"I want what I can't have." So in the case of coaching clients, this can show up as like, "My coach told me I have to do this," or, "I can't do that, so I feel the need to push back." I mean, nobody's actually probably saying that or even thinking that directly. It's just like that's what's, that's what's going on. So if you were to say to a client, this is just to give you guys a more tangible example, that they really need to cut back on drinking, for example. That phrase, like, "You really need to do this," can be enough to make the drinking even more appealing than it was before, not less. Because it's not that the client is being difficult, that they're saying, you know, "I'm just, I'm so sick of my weight loss progress stalls," or like,"Feeling like I have low energy," and you're like, "Hmm, well you are drinking almost every single day, so like maybe I'm thinking at this point you really need to cut back on the drinking." Now they're like, "You wanna take something away from me? You … I t- I, I didn't say that I, I wanted to stop drinking entirely. I didn't even say that I wanted to stop." That is where their brain goes. Even though yes, yes, yes, yes, they did hire you for this advice, okay? Their brain is just trying to hold on to the autonomy, their freedom of choice. They're not being difficult on purpose. And an important note here is that because you, in this moment, like as you're listening to this podcast right now, if you're reacting in some way, that you're pushing back on the things that I'm saying, like, "No, that's not the situation with this client," or,"It wouldn't make sense for this one. Like this other one, like, yeah, they push back on me, my advice, but I don't think it has anything to do with their freedom of choice. Like that seems like so far-fetched." If you are pushing back right now on the advice that I am providing you on this podcast episode that you selected, you wanted to learn from me, you wanted to understand the situation better, and you find yourself pushing back That's your own psychological reactance probably, okay? But here's the thing, once we just, like, know that that's what's happening, you can catch yourself and be like, "Whoa, why am I pushing back on this? Especially because I was looking for a solution to this thing, and now I'm pushing back on the answer from a person that I trust?" Hopefully you trust me, otherwise you wouldn't be listening. or maybe you're learning to trust me. Hello, thanks for being here. Hopefully I'm trustworthy. really, like, you can start to notice it in yourself, and you can see it all of the time, and that's, that's so powerful for you in your coaching, in your relationships with yourself, to notice when you are pushing back, honestly, kinda just for the sake of pushing back to, like, protect yourself. I notice this self …in my, in myself all of the time, where I'm getting ideas or advice from, like, a business mentor, or someone on my team has, like, a direction that we could go, and I quickly in my brain wanna go, "That's not, that's not g- gonna work. Here's why that won't work. Here's why I know this won't work." It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe there is something here. Like, j- turn that off just for a second and really see it for what it is, and have a real conversation with this person. Okay, so something to note, and because of the pushback that you might be giving me about, like, "Well, my, my, this client's not like this." Like, that's… Okay, listen, reactance varies by person and by context, okay? Some clients, and people just in general, are more reactance prone than others. And you may be even thinking now, like, "Yeah, my brother-in-law- He just challenges every single thing I say all the time, even when he is asking me for specific advice. He might be more reactance prone. The research is actually really interesting here, and I went and pulled some. I'm not, like, an expert on psychological reactance. I'm very aware of what it is. I understand how it plays a role in mindset and behavior change, and health behavior change specifically, because that is what I spent all my time doing and where my research was. But I spent some time looking into this, and I found it so interesting. I actually, I fully got lost in the sauce, guys. Like, if there's rabbit holes that I fall deep into, it's when I'm creating these podcast outlines. The truth is, the easiest and the quickest part of the podcast production process is me sitting here right now speaking, and it's my favorite part. I could do this all day long. But what takes forever is me outlining things, because I, I often find myself in rabbit holes looking at different things and different pieces of research and following other researchers and seeing what they did and, oh my goodness. But it's so fun. It's so fun. I love that this is what I get to do. So the research is interesting here. People can be higher in trait reactance, so they have a stronger resistance to rules and regulations. They have a high, high, high desire for autonomy and to feel autonomous. We all do, but some people can be higher in this. They also are prone to high defensiveness. And what's interesting is a low concern for social norms. So it's almost like, and this is me kind of extrapolating from this research, that it is more important for some of these people who are higher in reactance, it's more important to them to maintain their autonomy and their freedom and their choices, things that they decide, than it is to even go by the social norms of maybe just sometimes you gotta agree with the person make them feel good about it. Like, they could not care less about that, right? So research suggests that individuals who have high trait reactance experience more greater freedom threats, and therefore are more resistant to persuasive attempts. So not saying, and I hope you guys aren't, if you've been listening to me at all on this podcast, if you're a student of mine, you definitely, you better, you better know better, that we're not trying to persuade or convince our clients literally ever, and this is actually a big part of the reason why. Because in convincing and persuading, it, it kind of feels to them like you are taking away their own autonomy and their understanding of themselves, and you are just placing that on them and saying like, "This is what I think you need to do based on like what I think," even though, yes, you are the expert in probably the stuff that you're talking about, right? And again, this is not everybody, but some people higher in trait reactance than others, and this is what can show up. It's not like a death sentence. It's not… Like, don't get all fixed mindset on me and assume that you're thinking about some clients right now who, are like, yeah, they're really quick to get defensive or push back on things that I share with them, ideas that I have, like that's probably them, and now they're stuck that way and now I can't do anything about it. Like, please don't, please don't catastrophize on me and go all the way there. But it is something to pay attention to. And people, your clients who are already feeling maybe controlled in other areas of their lives, this is kind of the context piece that can make a difference, they may be more prone to reactance as well. So you could be just more prone based on your having a higher trait reactance, which obviously could come from past experiences, life, social circles, lots of things, right? And also, if they're feeling controlled in other areas of their lives, that could lead to this as well. So thinking about those clients who already experience a sense of maybe low control in their lives or high pressure from other people, other situations, they m- may be more prone to pushback in client situations. Now, what I want you to, to really take from this, again, is not that it's just now go slap a label on those clients and say that they're just high trait reactants or they're in a lot of controlled environments so they're never gonna listen to you. That's not what I'm saying here. But instead, to just keep this in mind and pay attention, and especially with some of these high control, high pressure contexts that your clients might be in. If you're noticing that that could, that could be something going on, spend some time talking through with them on, like, how does that feel for them? What is that making them feel? How does it affect other things in their life? Oh, that could be so good. That could be such a good conversation. Okay. Not every client will push back directly, right? And just, like, tell you that you're wrong and you don't know what you're talking about. Some instead may actually agree with you, but then they kinda just, like, go quiet and they say, "Yeah, makes sense," and then you don't hear very much else. And then you also notice that in general they start responding to you less, sharing less with you, or maybe they start to ghost you on check in days. Do you see how this could be like a domino effect? So psychological reactants, the pushback to your advice, to what you're telling them to do, can then slowly turn into a client that has been ghosting you for weeks So whether it is, like, a direct pushback, pushback, which honestly I think you would probably prefer to have because you can actually continue to talk to them about it, figure out what's going on there, versus them just agreeing and then slowly backing away from you, that's harder to catch, right? I need you to know it, either way, the, whether it's direct or this quiet backing away type of situation, they both are reactants responses. And I do need you to know, what I wanna get at here, especially if you are listening to this podcast, yes, you may as a coach be triggering your client's psychological reactants. That's the truth. But it is not something that I want you to feel bad about or guilty about or don't you dare turn off this podcast episode 'cause you're like, "This is not something that I wanna hear, that I'm doing something wrong." Y'all have a much stronger growth mindset than that, I would hope, if you're here. You were trained to be the expert, right? The entire, The entire, the entire model of most health and fitness coaching education, it is you know what the client needs So go tell them to do it. Like, that's, that's what it is. And that model with that idea, it's that more information, more specific instruction, that is what leads to better coaching, more effective coaching. That's how you get client results. So when a client doesn't follow through, the instinct is to get more directive, provide more information, get more specific, tell them what to do even more granularly, give them step-by-step instructions. You try to tighten the plan. You try to get clearer. You try to provide more information as to why this is a good thing for them to be doing, a beneficial thing for them to be doing. And this relates actually a lot to what I've talked about in previous episodes, just the urge that we have as coaches to fix, to direct, to correct, and all that's coming from a good place, and that's also kind of how you were taught to coach. And you do, we all do, we make the assumption that people are hiring us because they want to be told what to do. They want this advice that they're asking for. you wanna help, but this psychological reactance piece is what can make your help, in quotations, can make your help actually backfire So honestly, thinking about all of this and, like, what's coming up for me as I'm speaking this out loud, I would argue that most, most of the time, this is actually pretty hard to catch. Like, I'm kind of feeling that if you're listening to this right now, you might be like, "How do I know if that's what it actually is or it could be something else?" Or like, I have this whole story of a client in my head right now, and I'm just like,"I'm not sure," 'cause there's so many other, like, pieces to this puzzle. it's hard to catch because it doesn't always look like direct resistance, and I, again, would argue that that's, most of the time, the case, that it's not, like, direct pushback and telling you that you're incorrect, because most clients do trust you and they respect you. That's why they hired you. They literally paid to learn from you, right? So they may not push back hard. They may just say, "Yeah, I know," then nothing changes, and like I said, could be a domino effect. Or, you know those clients who are like, they somehow just, like, keep forgetting the thing that you told them to do or told them to try, even though it's the one thing that you keep bringing up to them? You're like, "What? How is this happening?" That could also be psychological reactance. The problem really is that most coaches see this as, like, a motivation, a discipline issue, that I'm telling them what to do, they're hearing me, they're saying yes, they're not doing it, so they just don't want it bad enough. I don't know I don't know what to do. But the reality is, and this might be a tough pill to swallow The way that you're communicating with your clients, the way that you're delivering this information, this advice, even if it seems obviously helpful to you and maybe even obviously helpful to them, it's in the delivery, it's in the communication, it is how it's being presented that is causing the psychological reactance, causing any resistance that comes from that. That's usually where it's coming from. So at this point, if you hear me on all of this, because I, I, I may have lost some of you at this point where you're like, "I don't wanna hear this." You really wanna hold onto the fact that some clients just won't listen or they're just not ready for coaching. May have lost some coaches at this point, and that's okay. If you're still here, you are my people. I wanna leave you with something tangible for your coaching, 'cause as long as you're like, "Okay, I'm in. I hear you. I see how this happens. What do I do about it?" It's honestly not even a huge or difficult shift to make either. Like, let me give a, give you a layup here, okay? The goal here is not to be vague or to just, like, let clients do whatever they want. Like, that's the other extreme of the spectrum. It's about how you introduce the recommendations that you have for them. So rather than, "You need to do this," or, "You should do this," or, "I think you- next you should try this," that is really, like, autonomy threatening. And I know you're kind of like,"Really? Oh my gosh." No, but it is. It is. Instead, something like, "What would feel manageable to you?" Or, "I have a thought. This is something that has worked well for other clients. Would you be up for hearing it?" Or, "You mentioned XYZ. XYZ. What do you think about trying ABC? Could be totally wrong about ABC, because you know yourself best, but what are your thoughts on it?" Do you see how that is just more autonomy supportive, all of that? So the core of this is just try presenting your recommendations as an option. Don't make assumptions about what's going to be best for them. Let them tell you that So even just something as simple as, " Here's what I'd suggest that you try and why." Now, does that sound like something you'd actually do? Something that would actually work for you? It's okay if not. See how that is different than just saying, "Let's try this this week"? That one difference can really change the dynamic from it feeling directive to it feeling more collaborative, and can quite literally change everything and stop that domino effect of clients not following through, slowly not responding to you, potentially ghosting you, not getting results, and everyone just ending up frustrated. Such a small shift can make a huge difference. And research does suggest that this type of communication can res- reduce the resistance that you're seeing, or what you might just be seeing as lack of follow-through And listen, my friends, you are still the expert, okay? The idea here is that you're just delivering your expertise in a way that your client's brain can really receive without feeling threatened by it. Okay, if this landed for you, if you're still here , if you recognize clients in what I just described, you, you should come hang out with me some more. I have a brand-new client follow-through boot camp that I'm hosting. I'm hosting a boot camp, and it's, like I said, it's brand new. It's called The Client Follow-Through Formula, and by formula, yes, I mean, like, a step-by-step formula for how to determine what is actually keeping your clients from sticking to the plan, from following through, rather than just, like, continuing to change the plan and hope that that does something. Yeah, doesn't work all the time. So again, if you are here, if you are listening to this, if you are with me, I know that your advice, the advice that you're giving your clients, that's not the problem. It's not. But you might just be missing what's going on underneath the surface, like some, like, psychological reactance, this resistance to what you are telling them, the advice that you're giving them, again, even if they ask for it. That is a, that is a clear symptom of something else that's going on beneath the surface, and just by changing the plan, you're not gonna really get anywhere. We gotta figure out what the root cause is, and that is what the Client Follow-Through Formula Boot Camp is all about. So if you can uncover that, if you can work with that, changes everything about how you coach, how effectively you coach, and honestly, how much you enjoy your coaching. It is so much more fun, so much more fun to kinda turn on your own researcher brain and try to figure out what's going on with this client and accept those challenges rather than just write them off as like this client isn't ready or I don't know what else to do. I already told them. They asked me for advice and I gave it to them. If they wanna keep not doing it, then whatever. That is boring to me, at least. It's way more fun if you're like, ooh, they kind of resisted that or they only gave me like a one word response when I gave them advice after they asked for it. There's something else going on here. Let's find out what it is. That's, That's the place that I want all coaches to operate from because it is so much more fun, especially when you have the tools to like then do something with the thing that you uncover, which we will talk about. So I'd love to see you in the boot camp. it is literally built for coaches like you who care and want to not e- not just do more. Like you already do so much. not asking you to do more. Just asking you to do differently. And honestly, it ends up making everything so much easier and saves you so much time in the long run. And everybody is so much happier. It's great. It's great. It's great. Okay. So I know you wanna improve because if you're at the end of this episode, you definitely do. You definitely care about this stuff. You're not here to just blame your clients and walk away. You care. And if you care, then I really, really, really want you to be there 'cause that's the type of coaches who will be inside the client follow through bootcamp. And we're gonna spend three full days together. And I have a whole new framework for you that I'm excited to share. I I could go on and on about how much fun we're gonna have. And you will absolutely leave the boot camp feeling so much more powerful as a coach, so much more confident in what you can do in these client situations. You'll… Honestly, if you've been feeling kinda deflated, defeated with a lot of your client check-ins lately, the point of this boot camp is to lift you back up and get you excited to go sit down and work with even these most challenging clients who are getting in their own way, struggling with follow-through, consistency. That's what you're gonna get out of this. So really hope you consider it. Make sure you check out the link in the show notes below. Come hang out. It's gonna be a great time. It's brand new. I've never taught it before and I can't wait. Okay. That's all I have for you today. See you next time. And that's a wrap for today's episode of Not another Mindset show. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you get notified of the next one. Because if you're anything like me, if the episodes aren't popping up for you automatically, you'll keep forgetting to come back to the show even if you really, really enjoyed it. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button and make it super easy for you and of course. If you wanna see more episodes just like this one, I'd love for you to let me know by leaving a review. I know, I know it's super annoying to do, but the few seconds that it takes means the world to me and also ensures that I can keep providing free education and value to you. And just to sweeten the deal, I am going to be picking a random reviewer every single month to receive a free workshop or product from me. If you're looking for more free resources or just wanna connect, hang out, chat a little bit, come find me on Instagram. I'm Coach Casey, Joe over there. That is where I hang out the most in the land of social media. Alright, my friends, that is all I have for you this time. I so appreciate you being here and love to see you prioritizing your growth. I'll see you next time.