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The Motherhood Mentor
Welcome to The Motherhood Mentor Podcast your go-to resource for moms seeking holistic healing and transformation. Hosted by mind-body somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach Becca Dollard.
Join us as we explore the transformative power of somatic healing, offering practical tools and strategies to help you navigate overwhelm, burnout, and stress. Through insightful conversations, empowering stories, and expert guidance, you'll discover how to cultivate resilience, reclaim balance, and thrive in every aspect of your life while still feeling permission to be a human. Are you a woman who is building a business while raising babies who refuses to burnout? These are conversations and support for you.
We believe in the power of vulnerability, connection, and self-discovery, and our goal is to create a space where you feel seen, heard, and valued.
Whether you're juggling career, family, or personal growth, this podcast is your sanctuary for holistic healing and growth all while normalizing the ups and downs, the messy and the magic, and the wild ride of this season of motherhood.
Your host:
Becca is a mom of two, married for 14years to her husband Jay living in Colorado. She is a certified somatic healing practitioner and holistic life coach to high functioning moms. She works with women who are navigating raising babies, building businesses, and prioritizing their own wellbeing and healing. She understands the unique challenges of navigating being fully present in motherhood while also wanting to be wildly creative and ambitious in her work. The Motherhood Mentor serves and supports moms through 1:1 coaching, in person community, and weekend retreats.
Follow on IG: @themotherhoodmentor , send me a dm and let me know you found me through the podcast!
Website: https://www.the-motherhood-mentor.com/
Want to join the email fam for free workshops and more support: https://themotherhoodmentor.myflodesk.com/ujaud8t4x9
The Motherhood Mentor
Parenting Teens and Tweens with Jaime Carden-O’Brien
On this week's episode of The Motherhood Mentor Podcast I am joined by my co-host Jaime to talk all things parenting tweens and teens. Jaime is not only a mom of teens but also a therapist working with this age group who can give us the real tea of what our kids are really needing from us, and what they really DON'T need from us. We speak vulnerably to the weight and reality of helping ourselves and our kids walk through this season of our lives.
We dive into the topics of:
Embracing and normalizing emotions
Supporting teen emotional and communication development
Parenting with mindfulness and empathy
And Jaime shares the most effective parenting strategies that she’s learned through her experience as a teen therapist and herself as a mom.
Tween and teen parenting has it’s own struggles and experience and we know this episode will not only encourage you and your experience but give you simple practical ways to show up to this season.
Jaime is the founder of Free to Be and a Licensed Professional Counselor who has been working to help people live their best lives for 29 years. She has specialized in working with children and adolescents for the majority of her career and noticed consistent themes occurring with the teen girls she saw in her practice. Young women are getting caught up in the comparison game, just as so many women before them, feeling like they are not enough, don’t measure up, and feeling like they don’t belong. Through her own personal development work, Jaime realized how wonderful it would be for girls to start working on themselves at a younger age rather than waiting till they were in their 30’s or 40’s. When girls are able to realize they can be themselves, they will be more confident to find their people, the ones who accept them for who they are. Free to Be is all about teaching girls how to love and accept themselves and to be strong in their voices. Jaime believes that when we are accepting of ourselves, we are able to be more accepting of others which leads to making those meaningful connections we all need in our lives.
You can find out more about Jaime and free to be here:
@Free.to.be.movement
Join us next time as we continue to explore the multifaceted journey of motherhood.
Thank you for tuning in to The Motherhood Mentor. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review us.
Stay connected with us on social media and share your thoughts and experiences tagging @themotherhoodmentor
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast. I'm Becca, a holistic life coach, mom of two wife and business owner. This is a podcast where we will have conversations and coaching around all things strategy and healing that supports both who you are and what you do. So grab your iced coffee or whatever weird health beverage you are currently into and let's do the damn thing. Welcome to today's episode of the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
Speaker 1:Today I have an incredible co-host with me, jamie.
Speaker 1:She is a therapist, but she's also someone I've come to call a friend and someone who I'm doing some local events with, and I'm just so excited we're going to talk today about tween and teen parenting.
Speaker 1:I have a lot of friends in the similar life season and we're like all of the parenting resources are for toddlers and we're like those are great, but when you're in the tweens and teens it just doesn't feel like there's as many resources when you're trying to be so intentional.
Speaker 1:So Jamie is the founder of free to be and a licensed professional counselor who has been working to help people live their best lives for 29 years. She has specialized in working with children and adolescents for the majority of her career and noticed consistent themes occurring with the teen girls she saw in her practice. Young women are getting caught, just as so many women before them, in the comparison game, feeling like they are not enough or don't measure up and like they don't belong. Through her own development work, jamie realized how wonderful it'd be for girls to start working on themselves at a younger age, rather than waiting until they were in their 30s or 40s. So I'm just so excited to have you here, jamie. I would love for you to introduce what you do with Free to Be and just your experience as a therapist and kind of our introduction to tween and teen parenting.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, thank you so much for having me. And just like you said in the introduction, I'm a licensed professional counselor and for a majority of my career I've worked with all. Most of my clients are under the age of 18. And I like to say, specialize in adolescence, in between and teen years. They're my favorite. They're my favorite to work with. So free to be is more personal growth work. So obviously, who I am as a therapist influenced that program and continues to influence those programs helping um girls and we do have some things for boys Now. We do family events and parent child events really helping people connect to their best selves, um, so that they can have the best um relationships just with themselves and and each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I'm so curious is there a reason they're your favorite? Like what makes teens and tweens your favorite?
Speaker 2:if you had to like, pick a couple things very unseen by a lot of adults in their life, and so to be able to provide space for them to be listened to and really seen for who they are. I just appreciate that so much and I remember being a teenager in junior high and high school and the different things that I, the different areas in my life where I felt really misunderstood or like things were being projected on to me of you are this, this person, Jamie and where it really didn't feel like that was who I was, and so really being able to help tweens and teens figure out who they are and who they and how they want to show up in their life so that hopefully people can really see them for who they are and you know, if people don't see them for who they are, just kind of how they can manage that or cut people out of their life if they need to, that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow. So would you say that like one of the biggest things that adolescents especially like? When we're looking at this from a parenting perspective of tweens and teens, would you say that one of the top things that kids need from us but they aren't getting? Is this being understood? Or you know one way we're getting it wrong is misunderstanding them or projecting them. Is that like the top thing?
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely Absolutely. Where they don't feel listened to and I think adults tend to, because we've lived, we have so much lived experience that oftentimes we assume we know what they're going to say, or we assume we know what they need before they've even been able to communicate that to us, or they get cut off with the answer or the solution. And so where teenagers oftentimes are feeling cut off, like they're just being told what to do, they're not being understood or there's no attempts at trying to understand them, and not that parents are doing this intentionally, I think for a lot of parents they feel like oh, I know, I know what's going to help this, or I know what's going to fix this, or they just need to do this. And so it comes with really good intention of thinking that they're going to help their child, when really what it's doing is it's it's shutting their child down or or putting their child in a position of feeling like mom or dad don't even listen or they don't understand.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So let's say, a kid comes to us with something, what do you feel like is more helpful if we're someone? I can speak very personally to this because I'm very aware that I have the tendency you know me and you both love Enneagram I have the tendency to over-parent. I'm an Enneagram too. I have the tendency to be overly helpful, and there's nothing I love more than coaching and giving advice, and one of the hardest things is the older my kids get witnessing. When is that actually not helpful and loving? When is that actually dismissive of them? And I'm worse with my kids than I am with my clients.
Speaker 1:I'm way better with my clients at like, trusting them to know and not offering my feedback or impact unless it's asked for. So, when it comes to our kids, what is helpful for us? If we're a parent who we know we tend to do this? What are some ways that we can kind of show up differently?
Speaker 2:Yes, well, and first I want to. I want to raise my hand and say that I am much better with clients than my own kids, also in in recognizing that that when it's your child you feel this need to rescue. You just want them to be okay, and so I oftentimes have to catch myself in this, too, of they are going to feel their feelings, and it's okay if they're sad. They need to be able to feel that, or angry, whatever that is. And so you know the key to do this, to answer your question as far as what do we do? We have to shut up and just listen, you know. So if they are coming to us with something that happened at school or something that they're upset about, we have to really just give them that space and hear them Validating their feelings, even if we in our adult minds know that this, in the grand scheme of life, is not a big deal.
Speaker 2:Recognizing and trying to tap into our own experience when we were younger, it is a big deal to them now. So this oh, it doesn't matter, or even saying that's not a big deal, is incredibly dismissive. And again, parents are trying to like, oh, I don't want them to feel upset and I want them to be okay, and so it comes with good intent. But it is incredibly dismissive to tell anybody that something they're experiencing big emotions around isn't a big deal, because it is a big deal to them. So, really being able to validate their feelings, and then the magic question and this is I mean this is something I tell parents that I work with to use with their kids, but it's everywhere the magic question of what are you needing from me?
Speaker 2:Do you need me to just listen? Do you want advice? Want advice? So, before we just jump in there with solutions, is that even what they want? Or did that feel good? Is that what they needed to just be able to vent and for us to listen? And that can save so many, so many conversations of just asking that simple question of what is it that they're needing in that moment and then being able to do that. Because, again, when we just jump in with this advice, or this is what you need to do, or that person is awful, you need to cut them out of your life where kids just feel defeated or like why did I even talk to mom or dad about this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's so. It seems like such a simple concept, like just shut up and listen, but it can be so hard and yet when we listen, we're getting so much more information and even connection. I know I love that you shared that, like tapping into what it felt like even as an adult. Like when you're having a hard day and you just and you go to a friend or your spouse or someone and you're venting and they immediately try to fix it, when you're just trying to connect and be understood or even just wanting comfort, like even just this understanding. You know, I can think of a million times where I'm just like, hey, I'm like crying or I need support and someone tries to fix it and it just doesn't. It doesn't feel good and it usually shuts us down or it becomes a bigger thing than it needed to because we're not connecting over it. So I love that piece, that piece of wisdom from you.
Speaker 1:One of the things I heard and you didn't say this, but this is one of the things that I have to work on a lot as a parent is not needing my kids to be okay, for me to be okay, and even teaching my kids that it's okay to not be okay. There's something different about trying to help our kids become healthy than always being happy. Trying to help our kids become healthy than always being happy. What? What would you say? You see, both with your tweens and teens, but also parents, when it comes to like our roles of making our kids happy.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think that there's, uh, you know, a disservice in some ways for this. You know, positive thinking, uh, movement that you know has become so huge in the past couple years or past decade, um, and you know, and and truly we're free to be is, you know, shifting mindset and positive thinking, all of the all of the things. So it's in no way am I saying that this is a bad thing, but where it can become toxic is this belief that we always have to feel good or any kind of discomfort is is bad and that there needs to be some kind of a solution around that. Or, oh, I feel really nervous for this thing that I'm going to do for the first time, so that must mean that I shouldn't do it because I don't feel 100% good about it, and that really is a disservice or is not a helpful way of thinking, because we are human beings with normal emotions and the reality of life is we are going to have things happen that make us sad, that make us angry, that we feel nervous about. We're going to have things that we try that we fail at, and this is all. These are all normal emotions that we experience.
Speaker 2:So trying to protect our kids from feeling those things actually is setting them up with this belief of that they always have to be okay, that they always have to be happy and fine, and so then they're going to avoid anything that doesn't either make them happy or they're going to think there's something wrong with them if they have any emotions besides being happy. And so, as hard as it is to see our child cry and be sad, being able to just sit there with them in that and you know I'm sorry and this really sucks, you know, and that and that's another question asking you know that I've asked my kids, like do you want to do something? Do you want to get your mind off of it, or do you want to like sit here and cry? And so being able to give them that choice and also letting them know that that's okay, it's okay to cry, because this is really hurtful, whatever that is that happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so there's this permission that we can give our kids, our tweens, our teens, and I really think it comes from the permission we give ourselves. I see this a ton in moms that when they start healing their relationship to being able to see anger or rage or disappointment or resentment or fear, they start having capacity for their kids to feel that thing without them having like an over or under reaction to it. They we start realizing like we can have normal, healthy responses to uncomfortable or hard emotions, like but so many of us didn't learn that anger can be felt and processed and held space for without yelling at someone, without punching someone or even just repressing that anger. And I think the more we do that work as parents, the more we can do it for our kids. But I really think that our culture is very alarmed by anything uncomfy, unhappy, in a very kind of sad way, because it's made these things repressed instead of us being able to tend to them. When my kids are struggling, I remind myself like my job isn't to help them not feel this because them feeling this isn't bad. My job is to help them work through feeling this Instead of eliminating it or preventing it or repressing it?
Speaker 1:How do we get through this? Do we need to be in this, sit in this? Do we need to go for a walk Teaching our kids how to resource and care for themselves? Well, when they're feeling hard things? Because I really think a lot of this generation we grew up thinking there is some shiny Disney story. And then we got here and we're still like a little like wait, where's the? Disillusioned. And then we're still trying to teach our kids the same thing and it's like, wait, no, that system doesn't work. So, when it comes to our kids and their feelings, what would you say our job is when we're parenting them? How do you approach that with parents? What is our job for our teens and tweens?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think you hit the nail on the head as far as we need to model that we experience these emotions and what are we doing in response to those emotions? And to your point of what happens when somebody is angry if a parent is yelling and screaming at their kid and then, you know, taking their kid's phone away because their kid yelled and screamed at them when they were feeling angry, really, a parent needs to look at how are they modeling? We can't expect our kids to do something that we're not doing, which touches on another thing that I am a broken record about, where I will tell parents the best gift that they can get their kids is to do their own work and to do their own healing so that they can be the best person and show up as the person that they want to be and their kids see that. And so really helping you know, helping our kids manage their emotion, being able to look at what are we doing to manage our own. And then again, going back to what we've said in regards to just letting them feel their feelings that they're experiencing, and so not trying to cheer them up out of any sadness that they might be experiencing Again, we can ask them you know, what are you needing in this moment?
Speaker 2:Do you need to just cry? Do you want to go for a walk? Giving them different options and if they're like I just want to cry, then letting them do that. And obviously we're not talking about major depressive episodes where, if a child is completely isolating and just in their room by themselves for days on end, but you know they come home from a rough day at school, a fight with a friend or, you know, for those that are dating, say they broke up, whatever that is that happened, allow them the space to feel those to be expected and very valid feelings that they are. We don't have to jump in and cheer them up right away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I wonder if you see this a lot too. I think one of the hardest things that this generation of parenting is learning is how to let our kids have experiences and not taking that on emotionally. It's so I'm very hypocritical of this, of the whole like attitude or being grumpy or snarky. And then I realized, like that's how I'm talking and I'm expecting this out of a child whose brain is not fully developed. And I'm in my 30irties and I've done therapy and coaching for years and yet here I am still fundamentally still human.
Speaker 1:What is the hill to die on? Like is this actually? Is this them experiencing an emotion that I don't like and I'm uncomfortable? Or is this like outside our boundaries, of like respectful behavior, like there's a big difference between problematic behavior and what I would consider just like emotional behavior? I love that. Our culture I feel like there's a lot recently in our culture around toddlers, like it's starting to like be normalized about toddlers. It's starting to be normalized about toddlers and I'm entering the teen era and I'm saying like wait, but this feels the same and as soon as I witnessed, I'm taking this personally. When it's not personal, I'm taking this to be a behavioral issue. When it's not, it's literally just humanity, and I don't want to die on that hill. I don't know if you can speak to that at all, but well, and you funny that you bring up that.
Speaker 2:It's reminding you of toddlerhood, because for adolescents, their brains are undergoing the exact same rapid like tearing down connections and building new connections. It's the same growth and development that's happening right now in their brains, that happens during toddlerhood, and so the part of their brain that's able to think rationally and logically is almost completely under construction right now. So a majority of their reactions are coming from emotional brain. So that is, you know, choosing your battles.
Speaker 2:You don't have to get on every eye roll or what. What you're perceiving to be a snarky tone or whatever it is like. It's just coming like. That's just what's coming out. So it's not oftentimes it's not personal against you. It's maybe they had a bad day or maybe they're exhausted or they're hungry or whatever it is. And so then these reactions that are just coming out of emotional brain can feel, we'll say, not good, but truly being able to let most of those slide. And I do, and I talked to my um, my adolescent clients about this and parents I'm not talking about blatant disrespectful, mean behavior that that's something to be addressed but parents who are getting on their kids for every eye roll.
Speaker 1:it's hilarious because it's so funny, because I can see myself getting on my kids, and then I'm like where?
Speaker 1:do you think they learned it Like it's me. They learned it from me and also it's just giving them permission to be wildly human and still okay, still good, still knowing that they're good inside, that there's nothing bad about them, even when there's uncomfy parts about all of us. So you mentioned the emotional brain. There's all of these strategies for toddlers when they're having kids, when your teen is being super emotional and you can tell they're in that emotional brain. Are there any like tools or ways you would encourage parents to approach their kid or to like actively parent in that moment? So your kids in that emotional place, how do you parent in that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you know, just like with toddlers, parents go through all of the different tools that are available and find the best fit for their child, being able to do the same thing with their team. You know, it's really interesting what happens when we give our kids education around what is going on for them, because they don't get it either. So they recognize that they're, you know, they're experiencing all of these feelings or these emotions, or they're in a bad mood, and you know all of the things and they don't understand it either. And so then to have an adult being like why are you in such a bad mood? Or why are you, you know, check the attitude and these things that are said to them, you know, then they're responding to that emotionally because I don't know why I'm acting this way, I don't know why I'm in a bad mood, and now it's being pointed out to me and that's going to make them more upset. So I think even just letting kids know this is something that's happening, this is going on in your brain right now and it does make it harder not impossible, but it does make it harder to respond in a way that feels good.
Speaker 2:And, of course, we're having this conversation not in the heat of the moment, not when they're acting that way, right, but just being able to say, when I, when I noticed that you're seeming to need a break, or if it feels like tensions are high, like what are some things that I can do to help you in that moment?
Speaker 2:And sometimes it's even, you know, having like a code word. So your teen starts to get snippy with you, where they're, you know, spiraling, and all of a sudden, mom saying banana, and it kind of snaps them out of that, like okay, you know, what do I need to do? Do I just need to go take some deep breaths in my room? Do we just need to walk away from this conversation and we can pick it up at another time? What is it that they're needing? And coming up with those strategies in a calm time, and providing them with that education so they have that understanding like there's nothing wrong with them, they're not a bad kid, all of these things. It's their brains are going through crazy development right now, which is causing them to have all of these emotions. So how can we help you through?
Speaker 1:Yeah, when we first started entering this era, I was really struggling as a parent. I was not responding well. And as soon as I correlated it with the toddler years and I realized in those heated moments, these are those moments where the toddler asked for a sandwich and I cut the crust off because they always want the crust off and then I cut it in half and then I give them the sandwich and they're like it's broken and they're crying and they're throwing a fit. This is not the time for me to convince them logically that this is nothing to be upset about. That doesn't mean that I like start crying and freaking out with them. I just witnessed they're having an emotional reaction to something that doesn't feel big to me but it does feel big to them. But, like me trying to fix them being upset doesn't actually help. And so in the teen years I've started like in my head like oh, this is a crust situation and this is not the time for me to teach them about like it's okay that your sandwich is cut in half. This is the time for me to just be with them.
Speaker 1:Like who was it? I want to say it was like Glennon Doyle's podcast where someone mentioned like being a house, a house plant, like you're just kind of there. That was really good permission to me as someone who tends to try to like, fix everything of like, it's okay for me to just be there and not always have perfect advice or a way to fix something. What, what would you say? Like they need to be educated on? Like, if there was just a couple things? Is it just these emotional things that are happening? Is it like the biology of like? What hormones are happening? What are the things that kids aren't really being taught?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it is. It's just that by you know what's going on inside their bodies. So going through puberty obviously is a huge one that I think gets talked about more but really helping them to understand what's happening in their brain, that that you know where all of their decision making you know, or you know where teenagers will make these very impulsive decisions, or where parents are saying like what were you thinking? They weren't it was. You know this. And this moment this is being presented to me and it sounds really fun. Or I, you know they're not thinking of consequences, and I think that's what can also feel so scary as a parent of a teenager and again, it's not saying that it's impossible, you know, but it's helping kids understand that they've got to be able to give themselves that time to make a decision or choose how they want to make a decision or choose how they want to react, and so helping them have that knowledge of what makes it feel more difficult to do that because of the development that their brain's going through, but also them being able to pay attention to cues of what is their body telling them, you know. So I'm feeling really tense right now. I noticed my fists are are bunched up. Does you know, am? Do I need to step away from this decision or from this situation because I'm about to react in a really aggressive, angry way? Um, and so them just being more in tune with what their body is telling them so that they can make a different choice, you know, allowing themselves in any given moment to really, you know, friends are doing this and they have that twinge of if it's anxiety or just something that's telling them this isn't a good idea, like, ok, why am I feeling this way? Is this something I really want to do? So, again, they can make really smart and good choices, and teenagers do all the time.
Speaker 2:I think they get a really bad rep for some of these smaller you know what would be considered attitude things, but it's. They're not oftentimes doing that intentionally. That's actually something that I had shared with you when you came to do the Enneagram talk for the sleepover with the free to be girls and anyone who comes to share their wisdom with our middle schoolers at free to be. If they don't work with kids, I always say they're going to have looks on their faces and it's going to look like they hate you, but they don't, and you know how they talk about, how they talk about things after somebody presents or gives them their information. They are really listening, they are really absorbing that. They just look like they're. You know they want to be anywhere else but where they are. But that's just not, that's not true and I think adults can take that really personally when they don't need to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it sounds like that's another thing we can do as parents of tweens or teens is not take things so personally, so that we can be a little bit more objective in helping them. And one of the things, at least to me this is what I heard you describing is teaching our children, by the way that we're acting, how to listen to their emotions and make really good decisions based off of them, even if they're erratic. I mean, and I think what's wild is these are the concepts that I'm working with mothers actively like very, very healthy mothers who are thriving and who are really good, intentional parents. They're still learning how to trust their own decision-making, because a lot of at least this is my experience a lot of the women I work with they were raised in a parenting where the parent told them what to do and they obeyed. They were never taught how to trust their own decision-making skills. They were never taught how to think logically and make decisions based off of their own self-appraisal, and so they're put in these situations, even as adults, where they don't trust themselves to choose very simple things, thinking they're going to learn this now.
Speaker 1:So do you have any specific questions or ways that we can help kids, these tweens and teens, to be able. I mean, you mentioned a couple of like feeling their body and noticing, and like slowing down and paying attention to, like do I want to do this? Even like listening to that internal yes or no. How do we teach them that?
Speaker 2:like listening to that internal yes or no. How do we teach them that? And, you know, mindfulness is huge and that is something that I will have with my client, or I'll walk my clients through and then with my own kids, of and again, not in the moment, and usually with clients. Obviously we're processing things after the fact, but really being able to go through of you know, what was leading up to this we'll use anger as an example what was leading up to this explosive reaction, reaction? So, were there things that they could have known, knowledge that they could have had? So, for, like, I woke up in a bad mood. I woke up in a bad mood and so just wasn't feeling like today was a great day, you know, going into school. And here's this friend that I typically have conflict with. So, if I knew I woke up in a bad day, is that a day, maybe, that I just kind of like keep some distance from that friend versus engaging, if that makes sense, and so really just always being mindful of how am I feeling? Um, what kind of thoughts am I having, what emotions am I experiencing with that? And then how do I approach my day or the situation, knowing that I'm thinking of a client who we worked on this very thing because conflict with parents almost I mean, you could set your watch by it of when this happened. And so we were really able to look through and this is a high achieving client, super busy schedule and parent was approaching them about chores as soon as they, as soon as they walk through the door, and so they were able to have a really great conversation of client acknowledging their role in the family and being an active participant in the upkeep of the house. And after I've done all of these things all day and I'm coming home exhausted and tired and just needing to sit down and hear, that's the moment that you choose to remind me of all of these other things I need to do. I mean, it was an explosion every single time. And so parent feeling frustrated or feeling this need to remind the client when really they didn't need to.
Speaker 2:Client feeling like, oh, my goodness, I just had this long day that really is five days a week for them and this is, and so they were able to work through okay, on Sundays we're going to look at the week and I'm going to be able to say this is everything that I have going on and parents able to say, okay, this is what needs to get done, and I trust you to get that done within this certain timeframe. What's going to happen if it doesn't get done? And then that's where the consequences. And so it's as a parent saying I trust you to get these things done. I don't have to remind you every single day.
Speaker 2:You know, and especially if it's Monday and it has to be done by Friday, and you know, because then that's really telling our kids I don't trust you to to do this. I have to remind you to do this or it's not going to get done. And so, yeah, where they were really able to recognize the emotion that they were coming to these conversations with, where some of it was about the chores but really it was about both of them being exhausted and, in this moment, having this interaction that didn't need to be so explosive. Yeah, I don't know if that answers that.
Speaker 1:That totally, that totally answers it, and I love hearing the way that you worked through this client with it and I think, like how powerful if we can do that as parents with our kids of your like I hear you walking her through this mindfulness I think I use the word like self awareness more than mindfulness of like being aware of what they're feeling and what they're needing, and like even like teaching my kids like your limits, like paying attention to them when it's a yellow orange flag, not just when it's a red flag and it's turning behavior, but also turning it back on me, as I see parenting as like the ultimate leadership form of like I can't expect my kid to constantly be self-aware. How can I witness what their behavior is telling me and be curious about that, instead of always punishing, not saying that there's never consequences and it's always permissive, like that's not what you're talking about, that's not what we're talking about. But how can I be aware of, curious and have grace for what is it that they're needing? How can I empower them to make decisions that work not only for them but for a family unit? Right, because I'm empowering them to have healthy relationships. But how can I teach them powerful communication right, like, hey, this doesn't work for me and so, instead of having to yell or throw a fit to get that attention, I've now empowered them with communication.
Speaker 1:But that's never going to happen if I'm yelling back or I'm responding, mirroring their behavior as a parent which I think is so easy to do and then blame the kid they made me mad, they did this versus like, no, you are the adult and we can't blame our parents anymore.
Speaker 1:Like we can look at this is how I was raised or this is how I was taught, and you are no longer the child, you are the parent, you are the mother and you are empowered to choose something different. And doing your own work is so powerful. Because I really don't know if we can follow these steps with our kids if we don't first do the work for ourselves, because then we're the ones constantly emotionally overreacting, we're the ones exploding on our kids and then we don't have the leadership ability or capacity to help them through this very intense phase of life that they're really doing a good job. If you look at how much there is in our culture, I think they have it really hard, and teens are fascinatingly wonderful and generous and kind and like so expressive? What are some more things that you hear your clients talk about that you think parents probably aren't paying attention to. That like would really help us to parent them better. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think, just the understanding of the pressure and the stress that they are feeling. And that goes back to again, just really listening to what's going on in our kids' lives and understanding how different it is from when we were their age. And there's this general of like yes, we know it's different, but really understanding how different it is. I mean, of course, social media, the, you know the, the constant comparing themselves to filtered images, or even just you know well, my, all my friends are together at this party, or I see they're all at the mall. Everybody knows everybody's location. I mean all of these things. So you can literally see everybody is together and you weren't invited or fighting.
Speaker 2:You know, we, if we got in a fight with a friend at school, you leave school and it's done. You had that time, we had that time to blow off steam or maybe even think about it and realize it's not that big of a deal and go back to school the next day and everything's fine For our kids. The fight continues on the phone, through the phone, and then everybody else is getting pulled in in these group texts, and so just the social aspect of being a teenager, now and again remembering where their brains are developmentally. How? Because adults are affected by all of these things and we have a fully developed brain. So our teenagers are going through all of these things and again processing all of this information with their emotional brain.
Speaker 2:Pressure to get into college, or what are you going to do after high school so different than when I was going through that process.
Speaker 2:It was, you know, I grew up in Kansas City and like, oh, I'm going to go to KU or people you know, some people went out of state, or just you know how much they have to stack their application. You know all of the things that they need. They like getting good grades isn't, isn't enough anymore. And this pressure that, um, they are feeling for what are what am I going to do with my life is very, very real and, I think, very different than when we were their age. And so really, for parents to understand what their kids are going through, what they're experiencing, again validating that these are big deals to them, they are very important things to them, how are we possibly contributing to that stress that they're, that they're feeling and just being a support, a positive support in their lives, instead of somebody that is either minimizing their feelings or that they feel they can't talk to us because of how we may might react and just yeah, validating them.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so good I'm. I'm learning so much from you. I'm curious are there any things that you've seen from your clients that their parent did that like was over the moon positive for them, that like whether it was like a positive interaction or not? But what are some things that you hear, or hopefully, hopefully you hear these things, hopefully they're happening, that are like wins that we can know?
Speaker 2:oh, these little things are actually like they matter and they're really good yeah, I think that when parents are open to receiving feedback from their child in regards to what they can do differently and so so many times so many parents that I've worked with first off, even getting them into therapy and saying I want them to have a space where they can talk about what they need to and figure things out and if there's anything that I can do differently, and so those parents as hard as it can be to hear you know how our child is feeling or that there are things that they think we could do differently as hard as that is to hear the parents who take that in and make change.
Speaker 2:It's so life-changing for their child because then the child, the client, gets that experience of like, oh, mom and dad do care or they did listen and they wanted to be different. And now things feel so much better in our relationship Versus parents who view their child as the problem of like, fix them and then everything will be better and okay, and not not willing to look at what they can do different as well well and even just like.
Speaker 1:It always breaks my heart when there's this, like the child is the problem. Um, just even witnessing in adults, you know how can we witness behavioral patterns that are problematic because they're not good for the kid. Like this, only the behavior pattern only matters because your kid matters. This only matters because you matter. So it's not that you're a bad mom If they're giving you this feedback. It's literally a relationship where, like, how loved would you feel if your friend or your spouse said, hey, how can I love you better? Friend or your spouse said, hey, how can I love you better? And they took that as feedback and not offense, which I think takes a lot of self accountability and also empowerment as a parent to be in a place where you can get that feedback from your kid and not make it mean that you're awful, in the same way that, like, when you're giving your kid feedback, you're not doing it because you think they're awful, you're doing it because you love them and you want to help them be their best. What if we decided to invite that reciprocal and made it a relationship where we allowed them to give us feedback, instead of always just assuming we're doing it right, which I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it's easier because I've never tried Like this way of parenting is very hard and uncomfortable, like it's not easy, but I already see so much life-giving connection and even some of the conversations we get to have or the feedback we get from our kids. It's like oh wow, this is making an impact already. I can only fathom what you'll be capable of an adult when you learned how to communicate and tell someone. This doesn't work for me. Like I don't like the way you're talking to me.
Speaker 1:What a powerful skill, even if you don't like it, when it's your kid. Right, exactly, exactly, yes, oh, my goodness, this has been such a good conversation. I feel like I could just ask you a million questions. But I'm curious, like to wrap up our conversation, if there is like one positive thing, like a fun thing, because I think a lot of times when we think of parenting, we just think of the disciplinary part and the reactive, responsive, what's like an active thing that parents do for or with their tweens and teens that makes a big difference in the parenting relationship. That's maybe not disciplinary, I guess, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think really just making sure that you're intentional with your time with them, that normal and to be expected, that as they move into the teen years their friends become more important and you're going to see them less, as they should, and then still having intentional time with your kids, time with your kids showing an interest in what they're interested in, even if you don't like it per se or you don't understand it, but you know, asking them about the video game that they're playing or the music that they're listening to, just really connecting with them on things that they are interested in, instead of just like trying to force them to come and do the things that you're interested in. And that I think really helps them feel connected to you as a parent, because you're showing genuine interest in who they are instead of trying to make them be who you are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I think you know.
Speaker 1:That just brought me to when Brene Brown talks about belonging and being who you are versus, you know, having to acclimate.
Speaker 1:And I think of you know, when our tweens and teens are with their friends and at school, how powerful if they had a parent who is giving them so much permission and validation and power to say, like well, what do you like?
Speaker 1:And being into it and thinking it's cool even if it's not your thing, even if you don't like it, and making it a fun discovery. And I personally think that's one of the most fun parts of tweens and teens that I'm learning is that like, oh my gosh, like you like cool music, even if it's not what I'm into, or like you're reading this book or you know, there's so many positives to that season and to that age and I think if we can approach it as a fun thing and not take things so personally and you gave such good wisdom, especially like listening, and none of this is really complex, I think we make parenting so complex Sometimes. There's so much advice, there's so many choices, but when we break it down, it really does seem like they really just need pretty simple things from us. Not easy always, but pretty simple. Is there any other thing that's coming up for you that you would add?
Speaker 2:when it comes to like tweens and teens, Not that you know, not anything earth shattering, and I think to your point it is. The things that we've talked about are really simple, simple things when it comes to like remembering what to do. Putting them into practice absolutely can be hard, and so just being in check with yourselves and I love to hear you say that you're having so much fun in it because I don't think that the tween and teen years need to be something that's feared, because they're amazing human beings. They have a lot to offer. I think they're so much fun to be around.
Speaker 2:As far as you know the teens that I work with, but also my own kids, I've really loved just seeing them really come into who they are and I mean they're continuing to develop that just who they are as people, and it's very different than who I am and very different than who my husband is. We see pieces of us in there, but truly just letting them become who they're going to become and they're really cool people that we genuinely like to hang out with. And so for parents to not be so afraid of these years but really embracing them and just forming a different, a different kind of relationship with their, with their child, than when they were younger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean. So I have to say I am having fun with it, but I want to share, vulnerably and honestly, that that's a choice that I've made because there was so much of me that we started getting into this season and I had so much fear and a lot of controlling behaviors come up, because I had such a hard experience at the age that you know we're starting to enter into our kids parenting. I have learned that when my kids hit certain phases, it like triggers certain things in me and I really had a choice to make of. Am I going to parent from fear and control based off of my experience, or am I going to witness what is happening currently, which, like some of it's hard, some of it's scary? There's a lot of things in the tween and teen world that you hear about and you're just like it's terrifying and it's like you know what. If I just keep it simple, if I just focus on connecting with my kid and being there for them as a rock solid support system of like we are here to help you navigate this. You don't have to do this on your own. We have your back, we're going to hear you, we support you, we love you. Like I don't have to make it so hard and scary, and I think I also.
Speaker 1:What has made it fun is I have gotten to be a curious learner and I'm open to feedback, not only from my kids but my partner, but friends, learning from people like you, from coaches, asking people who have done it like hey, you seem to be doing this really well. What it like? What are you doing Right? What are you not doing? And seeing how we can make this fun. Because I think there's a cultural narrative around I mean parenting, but especially parenting teens, and it's just like that's not going to serve me or my kids to believe that, and I for sure could let my emotions or circumstances have us believe that this is awful, or I could be like what a fun wild ride that we're talking about this. This feels awkward and terrifying and weird, but here we are, like I'm going to find a way to make it fun and enjoy it, because I'm not going to miss out on the most influential part of their lives because I'm miserable or scared of it.
Speaker 1:Like it's not always easy. It's not. There have been a lot of tears shed in this season for me, but I just think that's important. I just wanted to add that because I think it's so easy for us when we're, when when we're I want to use quotes of like when experts are talking. I think sometimes it's easy for someone to hear like oh, you're having fun, but I'm not having fun. I have also not had fun in parenting and I had to make intentional choices and do healing work for me to be able to figure out how to take my hard stuff and create it in the direction of where I wanted to go. And it's never a perfect mark ever, but I think having that permission for myself gives it for my kids. I don't know if you have any response or what your thoughts are no, absolutely, and I love how you phrase that.
Speaker 2:As far as making the choice, because in no way do I want to portray this image of you, know that birds are chirping and the sun is shining.
Speaker 2:I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old and they are going through this rollercoaster of emotions also, but I, on those rough days, it's a day and it absolutely is how I choose to look at that that this isn't um, this isn't awful, this isn't horrible. My, you know, my kid is awful. It's like, okay, this was a bad day, and tomorrow's, tomorrow's, a new day, or even this was a bad moment, and you let them go and take their space and they come back and it's like every you know, nothing even happened, everything is great. And so that's where that choosing your battles, or what are you going to choose to focus on.
Speaker 2:If I, if we just had an interaction and I'm like, oh, that didn't feel good, and they go to their room where they take a shower or whatever it is, and they come back and they're a completely different, happy kid. I'm not going to choose to go back to whatever it was and again, I'm not talking about disrespectful, bad behavior, I'm talking about a teenager being a teenager, like. I'm not going to go back to that moment. Why would I? Because now they're here and they're wanting to talk to me about fun stuff or whatever. It is like I'm going to choose to be in this moment, and if we get too stuck in those moments that are teen moments, because we're taking everything so personally, the teen years are going to feel really miserable, and so it's making that choice to not go that route.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it sounds like your perspective and choosing. I had one more question come up when we get it wrong, what do you feel like is best for us to do? I know my philosophy has always like I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm going to do. I know my philosophy has always like I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm going to own them and tell my kids like hey, I don't like the way I handled that, I don't like the way I did that. Whether they're showing that they're upset or not, I want to give language. Like when I witnessed that my behavior doesn't feel like it's healthy or respectful. I want to own that and give my kids language for that. What would you recommend for for, like, when we mess up, when we have those moments as parents?
Speaker 2:Yep just exactly what you said we own it. We say I didn't. I didn't handle that in a way that felt good. I'm sorry, apologizing for whatever it is that we did that that didn't feel good to us, because it probably didn't feel good to them either, and I'm gonna continue to work on doing better.
Speaker 1:Do you see that that builds like trust and leadership, Because I think a lot of parents are afraid that if they do that their kids won't respect them as an authority figure. How do you see that playing out?
Speaker 2:I think it helps the relationship tremendously because you're showing your child respect as a human being that you know I don't buy into the because I'm the parent and I said so I I just don't think that that helps in building a strong connection. If you're wanting to be connected and and have a loving relationship with your child, I don't think that that can be based off of um either I'm in charge and you don't have a say or fear-based. You know that where kids fear their parents, so they stay in line.
Speaker 2:So I think when we can own our mistakes, it shows that we're human and this is how we handle that, and so, again, that's modeling for them how to own and take responsibility for their mistakes and it's okay for them to be human.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Well, I think one of the one of the similarities of toddlerhood and teenager is you realize how little control you have over their bodies, their emotions and even their behaviors of like oh well, if I just find the right discipline strategy, I can control this and it's like well, no, you can definitely not easy, but simple ways of recognizing that this season, for them and for us, can be a good thing, not a bad thing, not an awful thing, not only for us but them and we get to be allies to them, and how powerful that they get to have us on their team. Hopefully, I really hope my kids always still feel that way. But I'm looking at what behaviors can I make sure I'm doing? Because, at the end of the day, they're their own little people or big people who are going to make choices that I may or may not like or agree with. But how am I going to react and respond?
Speaker 1:Because I believe parenting is leadership. I believe it's. We only get to choose how we act, act and respond. So this was, this was such a great conversation. I loved this, jamie, we will share free to be in the links such a beautiful offering to our community and I just love getting to know you and thank you so much for being on the podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Thanks for hanging out today on the motherhood mentor podcast. If you love today's episode, share it with a friend or tag me in your stories on Instagram so that we can connect. Take up audacious space in your life and I'll see you next time.
