Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Jack and the Beanstalk: the Lost Final Draft
Join me, Coffee McCann, as we read the long-lost final draft of the classic tale, discovered by our global team of lost literature explorers. Amidst humorous banter and heartwarming exchanges, follow Jack on his adventure up the beanstalk to a world filled with surprises and laughter.
Don't miss this captivating retelling that promises to entertain while leaving you pondering the true nature of our beloved fairy tale characters. Tune in for a story that not only makes you smile but also offers a thought-provoking take on a timeless narrative, or something.
Content Warning for gore and profanity.
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
Siren Song by Victory Day from Pixabay
"Kids Cooking" by Anastasia Kir from Pixabay
Sound Effects by Pixabay
Sound Effect by freesound_community from Pixabay
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Thanks!
Coffee
This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 31 of Discount Storytime. Before starting the show, I just want to take a quick moment and say thank you so much to everyone who's been writing in and getting stickers. Your comments have been just absolutely wonderful and inspiring and just thank you. I hope these episodes continue to provide you with plenty of laughs. Well, maybe not this particular episode. I really phoned this one in, Hoo- boy. But the others are pretty good and, on that note, this week's story is Jack and the Beanstalk. The Final Draft and our sponsor for today is "Word Search, the audiobook Enjoy.
Speaker 2:Hi, this is Abbey Grimmel. You may know me as an award-winning actor, but I'm also a husband and father of a tree, and every winter my husband and I load our kids in the car and make the long drive back to our little hometown to spend time with our families. And let me tell you, kids can get bored easily, fast and easily. That's why this year I bought the perfect audiobook for family road trips Word Search the audiobook. That's right. Word Search, as seen on cereal boxes and kids' menus, comes to life in this thrilling audiobook. Buckle up for excitement. Here's a sneak peek.
Speaker 3:Page 17. List of words to find Stick Flavor Unique Pile Wire Fasting Copy, study Perfume Wire fasting copy, study perfume avenue. Here we go, row 1, column 1, a, row 1, column 2, c. Row 1, column 3, h, row 1, column 4, q, row 1, column 5, p, row 1, column six and more.
Speaker 2:Challenge yourself in this exciting 37 hour tone word search. The audiobook is available now. Good luck with your word search and happy holidays from me and my family.
Speaker 1:At Discount Storytime, our vast global team of lost literature explorers uncovered the long-lost final draft of Jack and the Beanstalk. It was discovered in a remote mountain cabin and until today had gone unread. You, dear listener, are one of the first in the world to hear the true final version. Why? Because at Discount Storytime, we believe in quality content or something. Enjoy Jack and the Beanstalk, the Lost Final Draft.
Speaker 1:Jack and his mother lived out in the country. They were very poor and were down to their last cow. Jack was supposed to take the cow to town to trade for money, but instead he traded her for a handful of magic beans. When he got home, his mother was very cross with her foolish son and she threw the beans out the window. Jack was in deep trouble for squandering the family's last cow and was sent to bed without any supper. That same evening in a castle way up in the clouds, a giant and his wife were warming by the fireplace. At the end of a busy day the giant said Thank you for such a wonderful meal today and for all you do to keep our castle going while I'm out raising money for charity.
Speaker 2:His wife said Think nothing of it. I can't believe you were able to raise so much to help build a new school for the children's orphanage. But dear I do have one, well, but dear I do have one well recommendation for you when it comes to talking to potential donors. Yes, wife asked the giant. You know how you're always saying.
Speaker 1:I'll grind your bones to make my bread as a way of asking for a hug. Yes, I learned that from my parents. They gave the best hugs.
Speaker 2:And you do too. It's just—.
Speaker 1:Yes, wife asked the giant.
Speaker 2:Well, some people may take it wrong. Well, some people may take it wrong and see it as threatening with the grinding of bones and what such.
Speaker 1:The giant stared at his wife and then gave a hearty laugh. But everyone knows I'd no sooner hurt a fly and besides I'm getting to be an old giant and set in my ways. I'll try to stop saying I'll grind your bones to make my bread for you, but I can't make any promises. Thank you, dear. They smiled at each other, finished their evening tea and went to bed. That next morning on the ground, jack awoke to an amazing sight the magic beans grew into a giant beanstalk that stretched all the way up to the clouds. Of course Jack, being a curious young man, had to climb it. When he got to the clouds he found a great big castle. Inside the castle he met the giant's wife, who was nice, and gave him bread and milk While Jack ate. The giant came home from a charity fundraiser and he said Fee-fi-fo-fum.
Speaker 1:I smell the blood of an Englishman, Be he alive or be he dead, I'll, I'll, I'll grind his bones to make my bread. The giant looked for the boy, but Jack, not knowing the giant's weird-ass lingo, was terrified and hid in the oven. The wife supposed that poor Jack must have been scared and told the giant she hadn't seen anyone. The giant ate his food and went to count the bag of charity money he had raised. Exhausted, the giant fell asleep. While the wife was busy cleaning up after their meal, Jack snuck out, stole the bag of money and climbed down the beanstalk.
Speaker 1:Jack's mother was elated and they spent the money on just a few necessities, like gold plating for their house, oh, and an aquarium for dolphins, Because dolphin milk has more flavor than cow's milk. So they had to buy dolphins, oh, and hire milkers. And they built several tennis courts. And since neither Jack nor his mother knew how to play tennis, they had to hire professional tennis players. And since neither Jack nor his mother liked watching tennis, they hired spectators to watch the tennis matches, and so on. While Jack and his mother enjoyed their new wealth, the giant and his wife were warming by the fireplace in the castle in the clouds. The giant said Thank you for such a wonderful meal today and for all you do to keep this castle going, Would you?
Speaker 2:like some music. Yes, dear that would be lovely.
Speaker 1:Hey Harpy play Siren Song by Victory Day.
Speaker 2:Playing Siren Song by Victory.
Speaker 1:Day. The wife said I still can't believe you.
Speaker 2:genetically engineered a hen to lay golden eggs Amazing.
Speaker 1:The giant, still a little upset about the stolen charity money, said oh yes, well, after the money that was to go help build a new school for the orphanage was stolen, I thought how about, instead of giving the orphanage one lump sum, I devise a way for them to have a perpetual income, and with using my dual PhDs in genetics and metallurgy, this made the most sense. The wife looked to the hen and softly said Lay.
Speaker 1:But the hen did nothing. This hen seems to be a little hard of hearing. You have to be loud for her to hear you. Lay, bellowed the giant, and the hen laid a golden egg. The giant gently patted the little hen's head and smiled. Now the orphanage is sure to have enough for a new school, and maybe, maybe we can build a community health clinic too. In spite of his own humility, the giant couldn't help but smile at his own cleverness. His wife, who had seen this in him all along, leaned over and gave him a kiss.
Speaker 2:My good man, let's go to bed.
Speaker 1:Oh love, I'm not all that sleepy yet.
Speaker 2:I didn't say go to sleep.
Speaker 1:The giant blushed, oh, oh, blushed, oh. The money Jack and his mother spent on necessities started to run out, so they had to cut back on their dolphin milk and reduce the professional tennis players' and spectators' hours to 5 FTE. Again, jack climbed up the beanstalk Inside the castle. He met the giant's wife, who was more reserved this time but still nice, and gave him bread and milk While Jack ate. The giant came home from a meeting with potential donors for a community health clinic. He said Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman, be he alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread and he looked for the boy, but, terrified, jack ran and hid in the oven.
Speaker 1:The wife, deciding not to bother her husband, didn't tell him about Jack the giant, ate his food and started a fire in the fireplace. He then took out the hen and yelled Lay. The hen laid a golden egg and the giant smiled and patted the hen gently. Soon the room was warm and cozy and the giant fell asleep in his large chair. And the giant fell asleep in his large chair. Jack snuck out from the kitchen and took the hen and climbed down the beanstalk. Now, with ongoing money from the hen's golden eggs, jack and his mother were able to have a few little extras in addition to the necessities. For example, they rehired the professional tennis players full-time and also hired other professional tennis players to be the spectators. Also, the dolphins were getting bored in their aquarium, and bored dolphins make bland milk. So Jack and his mother built large hamster balls filled with water. That way the dolphins could swim around and go out and adventure. They also bought a gold-plated rocket helicopter car rocket helicopter car.
Speaker 1:Jack's mother, tired of cooking, hired celebrity toast chef Pierre Lavian to make toast and oversee the kitchen. One day Jack and his mother sat down to lunch. Chef Lavian had prepared barbecue chicken on toast and it was so yummy. After lunch, mother went to the hen for some golden eggs, but the hen was gone. They looked everywhere and everywhere. For days they would have hired a team to find the hen, but there were no more golden eggs. To this day, the mystery of the disappearing hen is a mystery. Without the golden eggs, they ran out of money within months and could only afford to hire run-of-the-mill tennis spectators and toast chefs. Jack again climbed the beanstalk and completely skipped the kitchen this time and went straight to the living room. The giant wasn't in the room and his wife was asleep on the large couch with her hands on her belly bump. Jack saw a harp with a playlist of beautiful music. When he took the harp, it cried out.
Speaker 2:Mistress, mistress, that little fuckwit is back and trying to steal me.
Speaker 1:The wife immediately awoke and shouted for help, for she had enough of this little charity-stealing punk. The giant rushed in and, although usually mild-mannered, he also had enough. And now Jack upset his pregnant wife. That would not do. The giant had no choice. He didn't like it but it had to be done. The giant would have to give Jack a stern talking to Boy. Come here. The giant bellowed. Well, maybe not bellowed, but certainly at the top volume of polite conversation. Frightened, jack held on to the harp and ran for it. The giant gave chase. If this kept up, the giant might even be forced to take drastic action, like filing a formal complaint. Jack scurried down the beanstalk, tossed the magic harp aside and grabbed an axe as the giant climbed down after him. Jack cut down the beanstalk. The giant fell and he probably would have survived the fall. But his throat landed on the magic harp, puncturing his airway and causing the giant to choke to death on his own blood. Everyone hailed Jack as a hero for killing the giant. In addition, jack and his mother made a large fortune from selling the giant's organs to science. They spent the rest of their lives in obscene wealth.
Speaker 1:Epilogue Ten months later, in the castle in the clouds. The wife held her infant child and watched the cold rain outside the window. She waited every day for her husband's return. He had simply gone to talk to the boy. How long could that take Any day?
Speaker 2:now he'll come back to us she told her cooing baby.
Speaker 1:She watched the cold rain and thought any day her husband would come back, any day now.
Speaker 2:I, I can't do this alone.
Speaker 1:The moral of this story is don't knock barbecue chicken on toast if you haven't tried it. The End if you haven't tried it the end.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Remember, at the end there will be the challenge question where you can win stickers. We still have stickers left to give away and hopefully you're enjoying these shows. If you are, please tell a friend, if you're not, please tell an enemy. And until next week, remember to play nice with, be super duper, kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh Bye.
