Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Robert's Rules of Ordering
Ever found yourself stuck in a restaurant with a menu thick enough to be a doorstop, only to be told your order needs to pass a vote? Welcome to Robert's Burgers, where our pursuit of a meal turned into a comedy of errors fit for the stage. This episode of Discount Storytime takes you along for the ride as my family and I embark on a quest for the best hamburger, only to be halted by a menu the size of a novella and a waiter who moonlights as a parliamentary procedure enthusiast.
Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Coffee
This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 32 of Discount Storytime. Literature's finest dumpster fire. This week's story is Robert's Rules of Ordering. In addition, discount Storytime is going to start promoting local businesses in the Des Moines, iowa area. If you happen to own a local business or know someone who owns a local business, our contact information is in the show notes On with the show Robert's Rules of Ordering. Rules of ordering.
Speaker 1:Lately, millions of listeners have been asking me over and over again about the best hamburger I'd ever had. I have no idea why everyone keeps asking what's the deal? Here's the answer the best hamburger I've ever had was also at bar none, the worst restaurant I'd ever been to. I know that doesn't make sense, but let me tell you the story. Years ago, when my kids Turner and Faye were little, my wife Tina and I decided to go on the customary summer vacation road trip. My kids had been studying cat hair in school and wanted to see the world's largest cat hair clump in East Carolina. The drive to East Carolina was a long one, and after the first part of road trip excitement, the kids became antsy and bored. Excitement, the kids became antsy and bored, but luckily Tina, being the smart mother she is, had bought the word search audiobook and that kept the kids enthralled for most of the day's drive.
Speaker 1:Six o'clock that evening rolled around and we had been driving all day and we were road-tired and hungry. Plus, we only had a few more hours to go and I thought we could make it but desperately needed to stretch our legs and get some food first. The next exit sign said Robert's Burgers, so we took the exit to check it out. We like dining at local places when we get a chance. We pulled off the highway and let me tell you it felt good to get out of the car and stretch and you could smell the grill from the parking lot Always a good sign.
Speaker 1:We went inside and it looked like your typical family dining burger shack. The evening sun gave the dining area a relaxing golden glow. There weren't many customers and our hostess, a polite young high school kid, showed us to our booth, handed out menus and brought water. The kids and I took a seat and Tina ran to the restroom. The kids and I took a seat and Tina ran to the restroom. The menu covers read the contents were a long report with references to sections, subsections and appendices. It was at least 30 pages, double-sided, single-spaced, dense text, weird. Next, a young man smartly dressed in a business suit wheeled a well a dais up to the table. That's the best I can describe it. It was a raised platform on locking wheels with a lectern. He stood upon it, held a gavel and looked down on us.
Speaker 2:I'm Jeremy and I'll be chairing this dinner. Who is the missing member?
Speaker 1:The young man was clearly all business. I asked what he was talking about. Jeremy pointed to our four water glasses and counted one, two three members.
Speaker 2:Three is less than four, isn't it?
Speaker 1:He asked me with one raised eyebrow.
Speaker 2:Is the missing member an adult or a child?
Speaker 1:My wife is in the restroom, but I thought we may start with an order of Jeremy Broke In.
Speaker 2:In order to have quorum for this dinner, we require all adults and at least half, plus one, of all children. Without Quorum, we cannot start. Obviously, my job as chair is to make dinner orderly and productive.
Speaker 1:He then adjusted his glasses and reviewed some papers. After a while Tina returned from the restroom, saw the dais raised her eyebrows, took a seat and asked if we had ordered yet.
Speaker 2:This menu is weird, mom said our daughter Faye.
Speaker 1:Oh honey, I'm sure there's something you'll like. Tina picked up the menu and scrunched her face. What the hell is this From his dais?
Speaker 2:Jeremy cleared his throat and announced seeing how we now have quorum, I will call this dinner to order at 627 pm.
Speaker 1:He banged the dais once with his gavel. Daddy, I'm hungry, said my son Turner and rested his little head against my arm. Okay, buddy, we're ordering di-. Jeremy banged his gavel once more.
Speaker 2:First order of business is approval or correction of the menu.
Speaker 1:There was a silence. We were supposed to read the thirty pages. Jeremy sensed correctly that we had no idea what he was talking about the draft of the items of the most recent menu is in your ordering packet.
Speaker 2:Please let me know now if you have found any errors.
Speaker 1:As if explaining rainbows to a small child, he said to Tina and I Errors are when something isn't right. No, they look fine, said Tina, sensing correctly that her family was tired and hungry and Jeremy needed to get his butt on with it and Jeremy needed to get his butt on with it, Just fine.
Speaker 2:Have you reviewed the entire 37-page single-spaced 10-point font of your menu? Because you just got here, we were waiting on you, sneered Jeremy In response.
Speaker 1:Tina started getting that. Look the one that I've learned all too well over our years together, panicked. I quickly interjected I move for acceptance of the menu as submitted. Tina hissed a second. Jeremy, content for now that he had maintained order over our motley lot, said All in favor, say aye. Tina and I said in the affirmative. Then Turner and Fay copied us.
Speaker 2:Opposed say no, the ayes have it. The motion carries to accept the menu report as presented.
Speaker 1:Faye, hungry and bored, tossed her hair into Turner's face. Turner yelled stop it and tried grabbing Faye's hair. Tina quickly reached her arms between them and in a restaurant booth that's saying something. I thought the brief commotion would have thrown Jeremy off, so I made my move and tried to sneak in an appetizer order of gristle poppers. But Jeremy kept talking.
Speaker 2:Next will be the report of officers. Our shift manager has provided a copy of her written report thus far.
Speaker 1:This evening he handed each of us a small stack of papers, Again double-sided, single-spaced, ten-point font.
Speaker 2:As our shift manager is unavailable to attend this meeting, I shall read the report in its entirety and he did the whole thing.
Speaker 1:Tina and I began giving each other let's leave this place. Eye glances. Unfortunately, though, I hadn't seen any other places to eat, and it would be several miles until the next stop. It was either wait this out or sit in the car with hungry, tired, grouchy and fighting kids. Luckily, jeremy read quickly.
Speaker 2:When he finished, he asked Do any other officers of this dinnertime have reports for review? No, he tisked how about reports from standing committees no?
Speaker 1:There was a long pause and then I said my family is hungry, we just want hamburgers, jeremy. Jeremy gave me a stern look and I added Chair, jeremy. It took all I had not to roll my eyes at that pompous dweeb.
Speaker 2:I asked if anyone has a report. Do you think I want hamburger? Sounds like a report.
Speaker 1:No, chair, jeremy. Tina looked at me and rolled her eyes. Why was I the one getting eye rolls, jeremy? Sorry, chair, jeremy said Thought.
Speaker 2:so how about actual reports from standing committees?
Speaker 1:After a long and uncomfortable pause, chair Jeremy asked.
Speaker 2:Is there any new business?
Speaker 1:I was undeterred. Yes, we would like to order.
Speaker 2:The chair recognizes Mr Customer.
Speaker 1:Jeremy proclaimed, as if he was doing me a favor it's McCann, Coffee McCann. The chair recognizes Mr McCann said Chair, jeremy, in a benevolent tone. I thought we were getting somewhere and said I would like us to order dinner now. We're all very hungry. Jeremy smiled a smile. That wasn't a smile.
Speaker 2:Actually, that's not how you present emotion. Do you know how to present emotion?
Speaker 1:I clenched my fists under the table, took a deep breath, released and tried again. I move for the meeting members present to be able to order dinner. Jeremy must have been expecting that and smirked.
Speaker 2:Actually our rules say you can only make a motion for yourself, rather presumptive of you to speak for all the meeting members. I'll allow a motion by Mr McCann for consideration.
Speaker 1:that he begin the process of ordering his own dinner With Tina Faye and Turner looking at me knowing I held our dinner fate in my hands, I try it again. Okay, fine, I move for consideration that I begin the process of ordering dinner.
Speaker 2:Just to clarify your own dinner, not anyone else's dinner said Chair, jeremy.
Speaker 1:Sure fine, yeah. Tina quickly jumped in to second the motion. Sure fine, yeah. Tina quickly jumped in to second the motion.
Speaker 2:Jeremy inhaled through his nose for a long time and considered. Then he finally said it is moved and seconded that we consider Mr McCann eligible to begin the process of ordering his own dinner. Are you ready for the question?
Speaker 1:Faye, not sure what was going on and always a curious child asked.
Speaker 2:What does that mean?
Speaker 1:Jeremy said.
Speaker 2:The chair recognizes the girl kid to speak to her motion.
Speaker 1:Faye caught a withering glare from her mother then smartly said Nothing, never mind. With another long nasal inhale.
Speaker 2:Jeremy said those in favor of adopting the motion by Mr McCann for consideration that he begin the process of ordering his own dinner.
Speaker 1:Consideration that he begin the process of ordering his own dinner, say I. All four of us catching on, answered in the affirmative.
Speaker 2:Those opposed say no. The I's have it and the motion carries we consider. Mr McCann may begin the process of ordering his dinner said Jeremy, and we all sighed.
Speaker 1:I decided to order. I thought about how long it would take for each of us to order by this method, and it would take all night at this rate. So this is what I did. I ordered two Roberts burgers, one with everything and one with only pickles, an order of curly fries, an order of onion rings, a plain junior burger kid's basket, a junior chicken fingers basket, three chocolate milkshakes and one strawberry shake. Hey, I know my family. Jeremy's beady eyes narrowed.
Speaker 1:You can't order for others, just for yourself. My eyes narrowed as well and I said I did order for myself. I'm that hungry. He tried staring me down, but Tina broke in. I move to adjourn this meeting. She then did that mom thing when they talk really quiet and slow.
Speaker 2:Listen, twerp, if you don't bring dinner to my family right now I'm going to.
Speaker 1:Tina stood up and whispered something into Jeremy's ear. Jeremy's sneer turned to a frown. His eyes widened. He flinched, yelped Meeting adjourned and ran to the kitchen to place our order. I know they say that hunger is the best sauce, and maybe I was so hungry and tired that shoe leather on a bun would have tasted good. But I swear that was the best burger I'd ever had. The patty was thick and perfectly grilled. Plenty of toppings. All the buns were restaurant-made and toasted with butter. The onion rings were the sweetest onions I'd ever had and to counter the sweetness, the breading had just a little heat I'm not sure if it was cayenne or what, but oh, it was so good and a creamy house ranch dressing for dipping. I can tell that Tina Turner and Faye also enjoyed their meals. There wasn't a crumb left on anyone's plate. Finally, with full bellies, we paid our bill and left, and yes, I gave Jeremy a decent tip. After all, he's just some kid doing his job. By now it was much later in the evening. Job. By now it was much later in the evening.
Speaker 1:The sun had set and Tina and I were both too exhausted to safely drive further. We decided to check into a motel for the night and get an early start in the morning. Luckily there was a motel next to the restaurant so we didn't have to drive anywhere. Tina and the kids went to the car to get luggage and I walked ahead to the motel office. The office had the usual rack of pamphlets on display for local attractions, the smell of burnt coffee and a countertop with a bell. I rang the service bell and a young woman smartly dressed in black business wear came up from the back office. She gave me a courteous smile and asked Is this everyone who will be staying?
Speaker 2:Do we have?
Speaker 1:quorum. No, this story is adjourned. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this show. If you did, please tell a friend and if you didn't, please tell an enemy. And if you own a small business in the Des Moines Iowa area and would like to be on the Small Business Shoutout, contact information is available in the show notes. You can just email at mail at discountstorytimecom. I'd love to hear from you. And until next time, play nice with others, be super duper kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh Bye.
