Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Holiday Magic on Alga-4: Santa Keith
What childhood memory fills your heart with holiday cheer? Join the Discount Storytime team aboard the Starship Scam Likely as Clayton Groppel, the ship navigator and chief financial strategist, enchants us with tales from his youth on the whimsical world of Alga-4. Raised amidst the opulence of the Groppel family, renowned as the Luxury Floss Barons, Clayton shares the excitement of waiting for Santa Keith and his dream of receiving the Ultra Mega Box of Magic. With heartwarming stories of communal living, unique planetary customs, and magical tricks from his Earthling Uncle Floyd, this episode is a nostalgic voyage into the joy and wonder of the holiday season.
Our Small Business Shout Out this week is Beaverdale Books. Hear Jan tell us about this awesome little bookstore, and also all the exciting events coming up.
www.beaverdalebooks.com
facebook.com/BeaverddaleBooks
instagram: @beaverdalebooks
X: @beaverdalebooks
(515) 279-5400
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
"Corporate Optimism" by Dvir Silver from Pixabay
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Thanks!
Coffee
Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to Episode 33 of Discount Storytime. Literature's Finest Dumpster Fire. In addition to telling a story each week, discount Storytime promotes local businesses in the Des Moines, iowa area. So after the story, stick around for our small business, shout out and hear from Beaverdale Books. This week's story is Santa Keith. Now for this one.
Speaker 1:The Discount Storytime crew were aboard the spaceship Scam Likely and they asked the crew members about their favorite childhood holiday memory. Some were typical, you know decorating a snowman that became sentient and attacked the smell of roasting holiday mumblefish, putting a star on top of a tree, only to have the tree crushed by the star's massive density. You know the usual stuff, and they were all wonderful stories, but one especially stuck out. So this is a story from Clayton Groppel, ship navigator and chief financial strategist of the Starship Scam. Likely, and before Clayton tells his story, we were asked by his attorney to read the following. We were asked by his attorney to read the following. First off, to clarify, mr Grapple is not repeat is not on the run. Mr Grapple has been diagnosed with Law Enforcement Shyness Syndrome, or LESS. Simply put, mr Grapple suffers anxiety and distress while he is in a location with extradition to his home planet. Therefore, what some are characterizing as fleeing the scene and on the lam is in reality Mr Gropple caring for his health. What Mr Gropple is about to describe is a childhood memory only and not relevant to recent events or ongoing criminal or civil litigation there. Now, with that read, here's Clayton's story of Santa Keith.
Speaker 1:I remember one holiday that changed my life. I was ten years old and living out with my family in the town of Plagstaff on planet Alga-4. Now our planet rides the outer ridge of the system, so our years are longer, much longer than standard years. But my species Talites. We age slowly anyway. So what's the rush? The town of Plagstuff was like any other. We had the center square and shops and cafes, the rows of homes and parks where families could play.
Speaker 1:I'm from the Gropple family yes, that Gropple family, known the galaxy over as the Luxury Floss Barons. I mean, who can forget the ads? Gropple Luxury luxury floss cleans your teeth and soothes your soul. Or when flossing with grapple luxury floss, you're not just flossing, you're living. But my 10-year-old mind gave little thought to wealth. After all, santa Keith was coming, we decorated our house with wreaths and candles, we stirred our Sanka with peppermint sticks and sang holiday commercials. We had so much to be shopping for that year. Our family and our house had grown.
Speaker 1:Our large house wasn't simply a point of stature but also a necessity. We Talites believe in communal living. What we called our house was really closer to a series of connected units. In my unit was me, my little sister Quinka and my mom and dad, our kitchen connected to the kitchen for Grandpa Rex and Grandpa Curl and their kitchen connected to Aunt Libby and her new husband, uncle Floyd, and so on. Aunt Libby and Uncle Floyd got married on his home planet of Earth and he had not been living on Alga-4 for a full year yet. He worked for the family business in the accounting department. He worked for the family business in the accounting department and I liked Uncle Floyd.
Speaker 1:Although he was funny looking, his skin was pinkish and smooth instead of green and scaly and his ears poked out the sides of his head instead of flat hearing membranes. He was short by male tallitest standards, but he was almost as tall as Aunt Libby, so that worked out. I liked Uncle Floyd because he taught me magic tricks, especially card tricks like bottom dealing and card counting. The rest of the family seemed to like him. I guess Both my grandpas called him a smooth talker and gave him the side eye. My widowed aunt, aunt Pleady, she really liked Uncle Floyd. They were always off, sneaking off, I guess, to practice card tricks. That year my little 10-year-old heart ached for one genuine desire the Ultra Mega Box of Magic. It had over 300 magic tricks to amaze your friends and family and I just knew I would get one for being good, or at least as good as mandated. I couldn't wait to dig in and start practicing.
Speaker 1:The day before Santa Keith's visit, uncle Floyd took me aside to teach me the push-off second deal from a deck of cards. We sat on a large bay window and it looked out over our gardens and the dark forest beyond. It was just after dinner and the sun was setting. I noticed Uncle Floyd kept chewing his nails and there were little spots of blood on his fingertips. Now we Talites don't chew our nails, mostly because we don't have them, and that's also why we don't use coins. While he watched me practice, we talked. Uncle Floyd asked me about Santa Keith. Hey, kiddo, so I haven't been here a whole year yet and I need to get up to speed on Santa Keith. Oh, what do you mean? Oh crap, the cards fell from my long, spindly fingers. It's much easier to deal cards when you have smaller hands like humans, or maybe larger playing cards. What happens? We don't have Santa Keith on Earth.
Speaker 1:Well, santa Keith comes and everybody gets presents. Well, almost Keith comes and everybody gets presents. Well, almost everyone, almost everyone but one. Why, santa Keith watches all of us to see if we're good or bad. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, we have something like that too, he said. And Santa Keith watches everything. Like everything you do. Everything Got it. All the good boys and girls get presents. The bad ones, you know they get coal, not like that.
Speaker 1:Santa Keith visits our family and gives a report. Uncle Floyd shook his hand after biting into a quick of a nail bed A report. I shuffled the cards and tried a fancy flourish which failed miserably and sent cards flying. Uncle Floyd helped me pick them up. His hands were trembling. Yeah, since he sees everything, he decides which private act someone did when they thought nobody was watching was the worst. He then tells the whole family what the bad person did. Yeah, then what. Everyone gets presents and that's it, that's all. Well, the bad person gets banished to the forest of networking happy hours.
Speaker 1:Uncle Floyd stared at the dark forest beyond our property. It was now evening and packs of feral shadows with glowing eyes darted from tree to tree. The tortured creatures were different sizes. Uncle Floyd shivered. Finally, the day for Santa Keith had arrived. Like all eager children, I awoke early and raced downstairs. Mom was already up. She had made a gigantic pile of flapjacks for me and sis. Dad was sleeping in and I could hear my grandpas stirring around in their kitchen. The smell of bacon and Sanka wafted from their kitchen.
Speaker 3:What do you want from Santa Keith? Hmm, Clayton Quinka.
Speaker 1:My little sister chimed in.
Speaker 3:I know what Clayton wants he wants science fiction to read.
Speaker 1:Do not, I said, and threw a pat of butter at her face.
Speaker 3:Clayton reads science fiction. Clayton reads science fiction. Clayton reads science fiction, science fiction reader.
Speaker 1:Quenka sang.
Speaker 3:Oh, mom, make her, stop, quenka, stop insulting your brother.
Speaker 1:Science fiction goodness, we don't talk about those people, especially at the table.
Speaker 3:Sorry, mama.
Speaker 1:Quinka said and stuck her long forked tongue out at me. As the morning wore on, we all gathered outside in the gardens. The day was chilly but the sun was bright and warming. I played tag with Quinka and my cousins. The adults sat around visiting. They hugged and smiled at each other as they talked. They weren't running or playing tag, but little beads of sweat appeared on their foreheads anyway.
Speaker 1:After about an hour, with the morning sun rising high in the sky, we heard the roar of a large vehicle. Santa Keith, santa Keith. We chanted in excitement. Then, in a storm of glory, an enormous black El Camino leapt up our driveway. It was magnificent, with PA speakers bolted to the cab and bags and bags of presents in the bed. Reindeer antlers mounted to the large grill proved the driver could be none other than our beloved Santa Keith. The steel beast skidded into the garden and began doing donuts, to all the children's glee. Parents had to hold the little ones back from running towards the spinning and honking vehicle. The adults smiled with their mouths but their eyes were wide. Some adults were rocking back and forth. Uncle Floyd was gnawing his fingernails and Aunt Plady was rubbing her arms, although she had on a heavy coat. The El Camino skidded to a stop just in front of us. Out popped Santa Keith himself. He stood tall and proud with an enormous belly white beard, black crushed velvet suit, thin red leather tie and dark sunglasses. Hello grapple family, he shouted.
Speaker 3:Hi Santa Keith.
Speaker 1:Us kids yelled back and jumped up and down and waved our arms. Santa Keith pulled a wireless microphone out of his velvet suit pocket and his voice boomed through the truck's PA system.
Speaker 1:Are you ready for presents? We shouted yeah. Santa Keith put his black gloved hand behind his ear membrane and said I can't hear you. There was an explosion of glee as us kids went nuts. Let's get going.
Speaker 1:Santa Keith pulled out some papers and read some boring adult stuff. He then called out this year everybody's been so good. I started wringing my hands, ultra-mega-boxo magic spinning in my head. Then Santa Keith said Well, almost everybody. I looked at the adults to see if they were laughing also, but their faces froze. In all fairness, he does the almost everybody bit every year. It had gotten a little stale. Santa Keith pulled up his sunglasses and put the papers up close to his face. He read for a minute and mumbled oh dear, and oh, that's not good at all, and oh, that's not good at all. Then he returned to the microphone. Well, we have a big winner this year, and by winner I mean it seems there's been some embezzling from the family business. Several adults looked down at their shoes, but one of you naughty embezzlers stands out. Santa Keith pointed his spindly index finger back and forth over the adults, and that one is Can feel the tension, can't we?
Speaker 1:And that one is Floyd for stealing over 30 million credits.
Speaker 1:There were loud gasps of shock and or sighs of relief from the adults. Now who's ready for presents? Children and adults rushed the El Camino. When it was my turn, santa Keith pulled out an ultra-deluxe magic kit-shaped wrapped box. Oh joy. I held it up and turned it back to show Uncle Floyd, but he was gone.
Speaker 1:I later asked my parents what Embezzle was, and they said stealing from the family business was. And they said stealing from the family business. Now I knew that was wrong, but something deep inside rang out with that word embezzle. It was like like plucking one note on a guitar and the adjacent string vibrates. The Ultra Deluxe Magic Kit was well used, but I kept going back to the card tricks. Uncle Floyd taught me I'd been practicing bottom dealing while muttering Em-be-zel, em-be-zel over and over. That word, that magical word, became my metronome and my guiding star. Well, that's my story. Became my metronome and my guiding star. Well, that's my story. Happy Santa Keith Day or whatever holiday you celebrate with your loved ones. They end Discount Storytime's Small Business Shoutout. This is Coffee McCann and I am here with Jan at Beaverdale Books and she's going to tell us a little bit about the bookstore and what they have going on.
Speaker 2:Well, as usual, we have lots going on, a lot of things coming up for the new year too, but first it's the holiday and right now we've got our holiday catalog filled with great gift suggestions, and if you stop in, there's a 10% off discount on any of the books that are in here, and there's all kinds of books, including children's books, and just about something for everyone. Our store is packed full of great gift suggestions and I would be willing to guarantee that we would have something for every single person on your list, even the hard-to-shop-for ones. And then January comes, and we don't do a lot of programming in December, but in January we hit it hard, on January 6th, starting right off, and we've got three authors right in a row. You can find all that information on our website at beaverdellbookscom. We also have all of our events on our Facebook page and on Instagram, so we would encourage people to follow us. We also have a monthly newsletter that we love to send out to people and that kind of summarizes all of the upcoming events and any other news from the store Some of the things that we do, some of the charitable donations we make, some of the scholarships we give, just all kinds of things that we do on a regular basis here at Beaverdell Books.
Speaker 2:Yeah, then of course, in February we have our local author fair, and that will be on February 1st. We'll be hosting about four or five local authors, from one to three, so people can come in and mingle and buy their books. And if you've never met an author, it's a great chance to support local authors. And, by the way, beaverdale Books is known for its support of local authors. In fact, our east wall has about 600 Iowa authors books on that wall. So if you want to really support local authors and find some good books to read, I would encourage you to look at that wall.
Speaker 2:Then in March we have the Des Moines Book Festival coming up. That's coming on Saturday, march 22nd. We are hard at work planning that. We're going to have keynote authors, great programs, some panel discussions, some workshops, kids activities. So mark your calendar. You'll be hearing more information about that. And then just a little secret we have a couple of best-selling authors that we're doing ticketed events. We're bringing Curtis Sittenfeld on March 11th and Jennifer Weiner on April 11th. Both of those are ticketed events. You can find them on our website. Just go to events and scroll down until you find their information and you can purchase tickets for those.
Speaker 1:That sounds wonderful, and that's one thing I'm really impressed with is Beaverdale Books is not just a small local bookstore, but the way you give back to the community and you support local authors, which is so important. So thank you very much and again, that is Beaverdale Books. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed the story today. If you did, please let me know. There's contact information in the show notes and also if you have a question for me, something that may lead to a story down the road, let me know. And if you send me a story idea, I will send you a sticker. So until next time, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. We'll send you a sticker. So until next time, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Remember, play nice with others and especially during this time, during the holidays, it can be a struggle and a challenge for a lot of us. Be super duper, kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh. Bye.
