Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Sun Potato
Wait, is this Thursday? Why yes! We at Discount Storytime are now providing TWO stories per week! In episode 36, I try to make the perfect sun baked potato, humanity's dream come true. Enjoy!
Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Coffee
Hi, I'm Coffee McCann and welcome to episode 36 of Discount Storytime. I know what you're thinking. Hey, this is Thursday. What the heck is going on? Am I dreaming? And the answer is yes, wait, and the wrong answer is yes. The correct answer is no. You are not dreaming. Over the holidays, we at our 30,000 square foot discount storytime corporate studio had a meeting of all 37,900 employees and decided that two episodes per week would be manageable if we changed some format, streamlined a few things and fired Ned. Also, ned, you're fired, so please enjoy Discount Storytime twice weekly. Now more story-er-er-er.
Coffee:Our story for today is Sun Potato. I know it's impossible, but I can't help but dream of it. If I could do one thing in this world, just one amazing thing, it would be this. Well, first off, I don't know if you've heard of this, but since its discovery in 1953, the sun has played a role in life on Earth, and I have a sneaking suspicion I can use this sun for more than something to stare at. You know how you can fry an egg on the sidewalk when it gets really hot, or how you can dry tomatoes or make raisins in this sun. Well, to this day, to the best of my knowledge, there is not a way to make a sun-baked potato. I have to use my oven or to cut down on my electric bill my neighbor's oven.
Coffee:I tried wrapping a potato in tinfoil and leaving it on the sidewalk, but when I came back to check on it, all I had was a frozen potato. Then I decided to try my experiment again in the summer instead of the winter, so I waited until the weather warmed up and guess what? I left a potato on the sidewalk. My neighbor, maya, saw it, thought hey, free potato, and took it home and baked it in her own oven like a chump. That potato was on the sidewalk for a reason, maya. And no, giving me another potato won't bring back the time I lost on my scientific experiments. I told Maya that and she got all offended. I explained to her that I was doing science and she wouldn't understand that I was designing a system that could bake a potato in the sun. But then her eyes lit up and she offered to help me.
Maya:I could help you design and build something like that she said it was nice of her to offer.
Coffee:but Maya doesn't understand science the way I do. But she's like that. She thinks she's so smart just because she has a PhD in solar engineering, whatever that is. Anyway, back to potatoes and real science.
Coffee:I tried wrapping a potato in foil in a large metal bowl to reflect the sun's rays, but even that didn't do the trick. All I wound up with was a warm potato. And is a warm potato a baked potato? Nay, my friends, it is not. I then thought about launching a potato towards the sun so it would get closer to the heat source. I tried it first, attaching a long string to retrieve it after it baked. It didn't work, but my many attempts gained the attention of our local news. You may have seen the headline man Throws Potatoes Into Air Before Crying.
Coffee:Although my dream of a truly perfect sun-baked potato went unfulfilled, I did not give up, and that, of course, is how I met a magic pixie. I thought maybe I needed to go somewhere really hot instead of my local town in Nerbly County, where it only gets toasty. I had to get closer to the equator. That's the part of the earth that touches the sun. That's the part of the earth that touches the sun. So I drove all the way down to Freeville County. 20 minutes south On my drive, a bright, sparkling light kept showing up in the rearview mirror.
Coffee:It was like when sunlight reflects off something and catches the corner of your eye, or when you hold your watch a certain way to reflect sunlight into someone's eyes and they get mad because you're distracting them from doing CPR. The problem was this flickering little light. It kept going and going, almost as if it was chasing after me. To test my theory, I slowed down and sped up and, sure enough, it kept following behind. When I finally got to the Feeble County line, I pulled off the road.
Coffee:I got out and saw the flickering light was a tiny little pixie. She was very small and wore a tiny green dress. Her translucent bluish wings on her back looked like butterfly wings and she had large blue eyes and red hair. That was in a short haircut, not really a bowl haircut, but shorter on the backs and sides and longer on the top, but I couldn't think of a name for it. I said hi, but she didn't answer back. Hi, but she didn't answer back. She was breathing hard, bent down with her right hand on her little pixie knee and her left hand held up her little pixie index finger. After a moment she caught her breath and said hey, I've been following you this whole time.
Pixie:Why didn't you stop?
Coffee:I was too stunned to answer and she went on.
Pixie:You passed by Pixie Cottage on the day of wish-giving, something that happens around every 500 years. On the day of wish-giving, we randomly select one human being and grant them one special wish. It can be anything they want. Also, we don't trick you or attach strings like those jerkwad genies.
Coffee:You give wishes like genies? I asked.
Pixie:No, not like genies. What did I just say? No strings attached. The last wish day was around 500 years ago. We gave one big wish to a gentleman named Leonardo da Vinci. He was a very bright fellow. Say, is Mr Da Vinci still around?
Coffee:I don't know, but I can ask.
Pixie:I said If so, tell him pixies said hi.
Coffee:You said you randomly select one human. Why was I chosen?
Pixie:This time, we decided to choose whichever human happened to drive by our cottage first, and that was you, wow.
Coffee:Okay, I wish for unlimited-
Pixie:No!"
Pixie:she gave me an angry look, then took a deep breath and smoothed her little pixie dress and then said s" it takes all our pixie energy to grant the big wish, so it can only be one. What is your wish?
Coffee:This was my opportunity and I wasn't going to let it pass." I want to use the sun to bake a potato, I said proudly." There was a long pause while Janet took this in. Oh yeah, the pixie's name was Janet.
Pixie:Finally, Janet asked "you want a solar oven.
Coffee:It was hard to not laugh at such a stupid question, so I laughed at her. I spoke slowly so she would maybe understand. "No, I want something that uses the sun, and when I said sun I pointed to the sky because clearly Janet wasn't getting it To use the sun to bake a potato. I pulled a potato out of my backpack and showed her and said potato again slowly. Oh yeah, I always keep a backpack filled with potatoes handy, because you never know.
Pixie:That's your wish, your one wish for humanity.
Coffee:She raised one little pixie eyebrow. "Yup, I said,
Pixie:you sure?
Pixie:No takesies-backsies.
Coffee:Yes, I said with determination and vigor,
Pixie:Okay
Coffee:She gave a big sigh and took out her little pixie phone and typed for a while while mumbling something about 'not wasting pixie magic on this fool' and 'Prime shipping.' Finally she finished her magic spell and said "Done, You'll get it Friday. And on Friday, guess what? I was amazing. But but then I remembered one thing.
Coffee:Janet the Pixie asked me before she left
Pixie:If that's what you wanted naturally made baked potatoes, why didn't you ask me to create potatoes that grow pre-baked?
Coffee:I stood there stunned and dear listener. I know it's impossible, but I can't help but dream of it. If I could do one thing in this world, just one amazing thing, it would be this To this day, to the best of my knowledge, there is not a way to grow a pre-baked potato. But if I perhaps started with planting a partially baked potato and then waited and then planted some some more, and then I would do this while this is fading out? Thank you for listening and I hope you enjoyed Sun Potato. As I make episode changes, I would love to hear from you. Contact information is in the show notes and if you just want a free discount storytime sticker, drop me a line and let me know an address you would like it mailed to. And until next time, play nice with others, be super duper kind to yourself in 2025, and remember to laugh. Bye, bye.
