The Orphan King

Episode 38 "the Orphan King" is now available. Also, I won almost first place in a karaoke competition!  Enjoy

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Coffee

Transcript

Coffee: 0:05

Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to Discount Storytime literature's finest dumpster fire. This story is called the Orphan King and I hope you enjoy it. But before I tell you the story, I just want to brag for a minute. Yours truly won second place at the karaoke competition at Tipsy's Cantina. It was for my heartwarming rendition of CW McCall's 1975 ballad Convoy. If you're not familiar with Convoy, I'll put a YouTube link in the show notes. I practiced in front of a mirror and everything, so obviously it was a stunning performance. But then my so-called best friend, stan, went on stage in his stupid bedazzled tuxedo and won first place. As I repeatedly told the judges, stan sang in high school choir, so he probably wasn't even eligible. But in the spirit of good sportsmanship I will put that aside and congratulate myself for almost winning first place. Now on to our story the Orphan King. Enjoy, the Orphan King, enjoy.

Coffee: 1:25

A long time ago in a magical kingdom called Tipsania, a hawk flew around. This sight was pretty typical for the people of Tipsania and they had stopped really taking note of hawks flying around. But this wasn't an ordinary hawk. Oh no, dear listener, this was a magic hawk of prophesying. One could tell if they observed closely. It flew lower to the ground than other hawks. Its plumage was more muted and it carried a bullhorn.

Coffee: 2:03

Its plumage was more muted and it carried a bullhorn. The orphan shall be king, it squawked, while somehow also flying at the same time. The orphan shall be king.

Coffee: 2:17

Nobody was paying attention.

Magic Hawk of Prophesying: 2:21

The orphan shall be king. Hey guys, I'm talking Magic flying hawk over here.

Coffee: 2:32

Then the people looked up and asked the magic hawk of prophesying "which orphan? We have lots of orphans, for our land is riddled with pestilence, wars and armies.

Magic Hawk of Prophesying: 2:46

The one, the one is destined to be your new king.

Coffee: 2:50

The hawk said, starting to get irritated.

Magic Hawk of Prophesying: 2:54

What? you want me to hold your hand.?

Coffee: 2:57

The people asked "hat's the orphan's name? The magic hawk of prophesying slapped its hawk forehead with its hawk wing, which is pretty impressive, seeing it was already flying and holding a bullhorn.

Magic Hawk of Prophesying: 3:13

"Oh yeah buried the lead there, huh. T he name of the orphan who shall be king is..."

Coffee: 3:23

and an arrow pierced the magic hawk's neck and it fell to the ground. A moment later, two idiots came out of the woods yelling. "We did it. We saved you from the dragon.

Coffee: 3:37

"What asked the stunned crowd

Coffee: 3:42

"the dragon, the horrible beast everyone knows. Only dragons can talk and fly and carry bullhorns.

Coffee: 3:50

The crowd said " so, this thing that was about to tell us the name of our new king is a dragon disguised as a hawk.

Coffee: 4:04

The idiots said "yup,

Coffee: 4:05

"ou idiots. Look it's still a hawk. Wouldn't it have turned back into a dragon or have scales or something?

Coffee: 4:16

The idiots scratched their heads and said, "uh-oh.

Coffee: 4:21

The crowd went to the angry mob emporium loaded up on torches and pitchforks and chased the two idiots out of

Coffee: 4:29

the

Coffee: 4:29

kingdom

Coffee: 4:30

.

Coffee: 4:31

And now the people had to figure out which orphan was destined to become their new king. Well, this is olden times, so they could solve this like they solved everything childhood-related Put all the orphans in a large cage with one dagger and see who was left standing. The people of Typsania thought this was a good"Convoy idea. However, they had lent their dagger and cage to the next kingdom over for a who-gets-vitamins competition. Then Lee the wise elder spoke up. Everyone listened to Lee because she was the oldest and wisest and kind of intimidating, like that. Elder Lee said.

Elder Leigh: 5:21

We should have them do like a talent show or something. and, Maybe karaoke, yes, karaoke, it shall be. The most talented one is to be our new king.

Coffee: 5:47

The people of Tipsania agreed, as they already had a karaoke machine. So

Coffee: 5:52

the orphans were told they would be in a talent show and to do"poetry their very best, and the winner is the one prophesied to be the next king. Calafi, the most talented of the orphans, just knew he could win if he tried hard enough and practiced in front

Coffee: 6:08

of a mirror, while Stam, who had no ,and and a "Hail haircut, worried about performing in front of so many people, especially with his really bad breath. On the day of the

Coffee: 6:23

Stam all the orphans tried their best and there were some good performances. The last two were Calafi and Stam. Calafi got . I t on the stage and, just as he had been practicing the days before bin front after of .

Coffee: 6:43

Then, belted out a heartwarming rendition of CW McCall's 1975 ballad Convoy. no-transcript

Coffee: 6:59

And Men and women were moved to tears and Calafi got a 15-minute standing ovation. That's how good it was. They wanted Calafi to do it again, but unfortunately it was Stam's turn.

Coffee: 7:16

Stam walked up tuxedo and instead of following the rules and singing karaoke like everyone else, he decided to do a reading of his dumb poetry. Stam had always had silly words in his head and he went up to ye olde microphone, cleared his throat and announced he would recite a poem made for this special day. There was a smattering of polite applause, which was more than Stam deserved. Then Stam started reciting his poem of silly words. While reciting his quote poetry, his eyes rolled back and glowed red. The crowd who just minutes ago were enjoying the best karaoke rendition of Convoy ever fell into a hypnotic trance. Oh yeah, and Stam's poetry didn't even rhyme. Then spiky horns popped out from Stam's dumb haircut and everyone said Hail to our new dark overlord, who we declare won the karaoke competition by dark means and not by natural talent like Calafis.

Coffee: 8:49

Calafis, stam gave an evil cackle and the microphone turned into a scepter .

Coffee: 8:51

And skull on it, and not even a cool skull it looked like one of those cheap plastic skulls you find in the discount bin. After Halloween, then dark clouds covered the sun, for it was dark days ahead, and that's how Stam ruled Tipsania as a dark underworld king, and the people, although in a @discountstorytime they should have awarded Calafi first place in the karaoke competition.

Coffee: 9:21

The End. First place in the karaoke competition, the end. .!

Coffee: 9:26

Well, I hope you enjoyed this story. I know I enjoyed writing it, and if you like these stories, please share them with your friends, and if you hate them, please share them with your enemies. And until next time, play nice with others, be super duper, kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh Bye.