Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
The Goose Translator
What if understanding goose honks could change a family's destiny? Will my cousin Peggy's quirky major in goose lexicology, once the subject of her parents' jokes, becomes the hero of our story? Listen and find out.
Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Coffee
Welcome to Episode 39 of Discount Storytime. Literature's Finest Dumpster Fire. Today's story is Goose. Translator. Enjoy.
Coffee:Everyone thought my cousin Peggy had made a poor choice of college major, but nobody was harder on her than her parents, uncle Chip and Aunt Claire. How is she going to make a living doing that, they would ask? Peggy studied goose lexicology and became fluent in goose honk. And became fluent in goose honk. I didn't like how Uncle Chip and Aunt Claire treated Peggy about it, always bringing it up at family events, telling everyone how their daughter would always be poor and walking around through their neighborhood wearing goose lexicology is stupid sandwich boards.
Coffee:One day Peggy, uncle Chip and Aunt Claire were driving home from church. Aunt Claire just gave a guest sermon titled Would a True Christian Study Goose Lexicology? Probably not. Uncle Chip was busy needling Peggy with Well, how are you going to afford the gas to get all the way home, peggy with? Well, how are you going to afford the gas to get all the way home? Is your useless degree going to pay for it?
Coffee:They pulled up to a long traffic line and waited, but after about 30 minutes they hadn't budged. There hadn't been an emergency vehicle or police officers either. Peggy got out to see what was going on. Plus, she needed a break from her parents' constant badgering. She left her car and started walking up to the front of the line of cars. Behind her, uncle Chip and Aunt Claire climbed on the car and chanted Goose lexicology is stupid into bullhorns. Peggy tightened her fists and added some stomp to her walk.
Coffee:At the front of the traffic jam was a horse-drawn stagecoach with its blinkers on. Standing just outside the stagecoach was a man and a woman dressed in fine medieval clothing. The man wore a royal court doublet and shoulder cape and looked quite royal indeed. The woman wore a beautiful blue, royal velvet gown. They carried an undeniable air of nobility, but terror froze their faces, for before them stood two geese, but not just any geese. These geese, wearing their trademark little masks and cloaks, were dreaded highway robbers. They would have been cute if not for their razor-sharp swords, glinting in the noon sun and pointed to the man and woman. And as the old saying goes, a goose with a sharp sword is no joke.
Coffee:Both humans and geese seemed to be at an impasse. The humans stood frozen in fear, often looking over their shoulders into the stagecoach, while the geese gave frustrated honks. Peggy thought maybe she could diffuse the situation. So she kept a safe distance and tried talking to the geese. Honk, honked Peggy. This threw the geese off to be addressed directly and they lowered their little swords, but just for a moment. Then they honked honk, which translated to these foolish humans do not understand robbery. Their treasure is ours. Make them hand it over or you will suffer the same fate. Wench. Peggy explained this to the people Carefully.
Coffee:The man and the stagecoach driver brought down a treasure chest from the stagecoach and carried it to the robber geese. With a flick of his sword, the gander opened the chest. Inside were gleaming gold coins, jewelry, rare gems, a few one-dollar bills and a twenty spot. The royal woman spoke there you have our money. Please, let us go. Again. She glanced back into the stagecoach, but only for a moment. Then the woman asked Peggy, can you really speak, goose? Yes, peggy answered. Please, ask them to let us go, please, said the woman almost in tears. Peggy honked and the geese honked back. This went on for a while and everyone patiently waited. Finally Peggy spoke the geese. Thank you for your kind donation.
Coffee:They explained to me that since they lost their goslings they turned bad and have taken to a life of crime, mostly stealing from the corporate fat cats who run Renaissance Fairs, or Big Ren as it's called. Why, asked the man. Peggy continued. They had gone to the Nerbly County Renaissance Fair with their three goslings. The family was having a wonderful time until a large crowd separated them. The parent geese looked everywhere and everywhere and tried asking for help, but nobody could understand them as there were no hired goose translators. Their goslings were gone. They blame Renaissance fairs and since they hadn't been able to get their children back, they vowed to take down Big Wren.
Coffee:The man and woman looked at each other, then looked at the goose parents and the man asked Pray thee, ask these goose robbers what year that was. Was it perchance, fall of 2019? Was it perchance fall of 2019? Peggy and the geese honked back and forth for a while. Then Peggy answered yes, fall of 2019 in Nerbly County. Mond, you said the woman, which is Spanish, for you ain't gonna believe this. She poked her head into the stagecoach and said children, it's okay, can you come out please? And to everyone's astonishment, three young geese around school age waddled out of the stagecoach. Age waddled out of the stagecoach. Two wore handsome little tunics and one wore a frilly purple dress. Mama, mama, papa, papa. What is happening? Asked the young geese, honk. Honk honked the robber geese, which is Spanish for mon dieu. The woman spoke and Peggy translated.
Coffee:You may have heard of us. This is my husband, sir Cletus Ravenstone III, and I am Lady Trish Ravenstone, the royal owners of the Nerbly County Renaissance Fair. I remember that fateful day in the fall of 2019. We found three lost goslings and we looked everywhere for their parents, all day and all night. We must have just missed each other. At the same time, Sir Cletus and I were trying to start a family, but nothing worked. When we saw these poor lost goslings, we just knew that fate had brought us a family and since then we have raised them with all the love as if they are our own, with all the love, as if they are our own.
Coffee:The youngest goose asked who are honk? They? Mama. Lady Trish answered with tears in her eyes Sweetie, these are your parents, your birth parents. Honk, said the father goose. Yes, we understand you. Honk, said the child geese. Peggy's jaw dropped. Amazing, these goose children still have their natural language of goose. Honk and their adoptive parents have taught them English. They are bilingual geese.
Coffee:The young geese were initially timid and kept looking back at their adoptive parents. But they were told it was okay. And finally the children and goose parents ran to each other and hugged. Lady Trish said we always thought this day may come when you find your biological parents. Come when you find your biological parents. What happens now? She asked Honk, honk, honked Mother Goose. She waddled up and took Lady Trish's hand.
Coffee:Peggy translated Mother Goose is saying that she cannot thank you enough for taking such good care of her babies and, as heartbreaking as it will be for her to lose her children again, you can afford to provide them with a life she never could. Mother Goose honked sadly and turned away. Lady Trish gave the Mother Goose a decisive look and pulled her back around. No, you are not losing your babies again, I swear it. You and Father Goose are coming to live with us at Ravenstone Castle, paid for by rising Renaissance fair admission fees. Mother Goose and Lady Trish hugged and as everyone hugged and cried tears of joy. Peggy helped them get settled in the stagecoach. Sir Cletus gave Peggy his business card and asked her to call and discuss a goose translator job opportunity for the Renaissance Fair.
Coffee:The stagecoach rolled down the road, now carrying an even larger, happier family. Peggy turned back to see Uncle Chip and Aunt Claire standing in front of the line of cars. Aunt Claire spoke first Sweetie, you brought those families together. If you hadn't been here to translate. She ran up and gave Peggy a big hug. I am so proud of you.
Coffee:While getting squeezed by her mother, peggy saw Uncle Chip, stoic as always, looking at her. Peggy's face fell and she braced for the worst. Yes, dad. But Uncle Chip walked up to her, gave her a big hug and said Mon Dieu, which is Spanish, for I am proud of you too. The end I hope you enjoyed the story and just to let you know, I'm making some changes in general to discount story time, but the podcast is going to stay twice weekly like it is, but we'll also be offering these stories as a blog and potentially an email newsletter for anyone that might be interested.
Coffee:And if you have an interest or have ideas, please feel free to contact me. I love hearing from all of you. My contact information is in the show notes, but the easiest is to email me at mail at discountstorytimecom. I'm not sure what all of it's going to look like, but it'll all be housed at the website discountstorytimecom and I'm learning my way through WordPress now, so we'll see how it turns out. Yikes Blocks, and until next time, play nice with others, be super duper, kind to yourself and remember to laugh. Bye, thank you.
