Short Stories Episode 40 - Sewage Monster Vows

What happens when a minor car accident on your wedding day introduces you to a sewage-dripping creature that knows nothing about human life? 

Content warning for profanity.

Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay 

Transcript

Sewage Monster Wedding Day

Coffee 0:06

Hi , this is Coffee McCann and welcome to episode 40 of Discount Storytime . Literature's finest dumpster fire . Today's story is Sewage Monster Vows Enjoy . People are entirely too distracted on their wedding day to be allowed to drive . I mean , it's their wedding day for crying out loud . But I had to learn the hard way . Many years ago I was driving to the chapel to marry Tina and tried to remember something I was supposed to do before the ceremony , but my head was in the clouds . Unfortunately , with my head way up in the clouds , my foot wasn't down on the brake and I hit the car in front of me . It was a small Honda Civic and looked worse for wear , but the new bumper dent didn't help . I got out to make sure everyone was okay and to assess the damage .

Coffee 1:13

You won't believe who or I should say what got out of the Honda Civic . Imagine a tall brute like six foot five and wide as a mountain . Now imagine it sweating profusely like from every pore , but instead of sweat , clumpy sewage juice dribbled out . Yep , I just had my first encounter with the sewage monster . I am so sorry I didn't . I was , I started . I just had my first encounter with the sewage monster . I am so sorry I didn't . I was .

Coffee 1:49

I started , but the sewage monster walked right up to me and cocked its large head sideways . It stood over me and leaned forward , dripping foul waste off its chin . Luckily I wasn't wearing my wedding tuxedo yet . It said in a squishing , gravelly voice your automobile impacted my automobile . Its enormous eyes blinked a lot , probably because of forehead runoff . Yes , I'm sorry , it was an accident . I said rather lamely .

Coffee 2:25

Today is my wedding day and I'm all nervous and I'm supposed to be doing something , but I can't remember what and wasn't paying attention . Look , I can give you my insurance information , but if it's okay with you , perhaps we can first see how much . What is wedding day ? Asked the sewage monster , almost as if it didn't care about car insurance . I'm getting married to my fiancée , tina , in a few hours . The sewage monster rubbed its damp chin thoughtfully . I do not know of these things , for I have always lived in sewage town , but yesterday I decided to explore the surface and learn about surface life and its traditions . I am curious like that . Oh , so that's why you bought a car ? Bought a car , it asked . I noticed the Honda Civic's driver's side door was missing , well more like torn off .

Coffee 3:49

Sewage Monster continued what is a wedding ? I explained to Sewage Monster about weddings and marriage and started describing where babies come from . When I heard police sirens , somebody probably used their fancy car phone to call the police and complain about the traffic jam we were causing . Sewage Monster sighed a feculent sigh . I sure wish I could someday see a wedding day . It sounds lovely . I probably won't , though .

Coffee 4:23

Humans have been cruel . You are the only one who has shown kindness to this poor sewage monster . Thank you for not chasing me with a pitchfork . It gave me a sad look and turned to leave . Well , that just about broke my heart . How can people be so mean ? Someone had to show the sewage monster that the surface world could be kind , and that someone is .

Coffee 5:01

Today I called out hey , sewage monster , how would you like to not just see a wedding but be in a wedding ? The sewage monster looked at me and its eyes welled up with murky tears and grayish clumps . Do you mean it ? Do you really mean it ? Aww , I couldn't help but smile . Of course I do . Come on , my new best friend , time's a-wastin' . With that , the sewage monster hopped into my car . Well , to be accurate , I put as many towels as I could find on the passenger seat . Then the sewage monster hopped into my car and then we took off . Well , to be accurate , I rolled down the windows and then we took off . Well , to be accurate , I rolled down the windows and then we took off .

Coffee 6:01

We made it to the chapel just in time for me to get dressed in my white tuxedo , but there wasn't a moment to spare . The guests had arrived and seated , so we meaning myself and my new best friend , the sewage monster were cutting it close . I had to explain the new situation to Stan , my best man also . When Stan saw me , he asked when have you been ? The ceremony is starting Delicately , I explained to Stan . I got held up . Say , you know how bummed I've felt to be stuck with you for a best man . Stan flinched and said I do now . Well , good news , you're not my best man anymore . Move over . Stan was so shocked I thought he was going to cry . He is such a crybaby , especially in public . You should have heard him blubber throughout his sister's funeral . But Stan , stunned , just moved aside and I waved the sewage monster in to take Stan's place . There we stood the three musket deers .

Coffee 7:14

Just in time the organist started playing the wedding march and I saw my bride , tina , the most beautiful woman outside of those in music videos I had ever seen . She had styled her curly hair and taken her father's arm . Tina was so busy trying not to trip on the front of her dress she didn't look up for a few steps . Then she saw me and smiled . Well , sort of Well . She smiled at me at first , but when she saw the sewage monster her face paled . So much for the blushing bride because she looked white as a ghost . Tina and her father cautiously shuffled up the aisle . As her father gave her away , he frowned at me and shook his head . Then the minister started Will I get had here ? Have let this haste to . She was purposefully mouth-breathing . Well , I thought that was pretty unprofessional and would definitely factor that into her tip .

Coffee 8:31

Tina and I decided to write our own vows . Tina went first and had some beautiful stuff to say at the beginning , but then it got pretty wordy and repetitive . At one point she was going on and said and coffee , you and me will make a beautiful eye , boomed the sewage monster and Tina jumped you and I will blah , blah , blah , not me . An awkward silence followed . I tried to ease the situation by taking the sewage monster's side and said to Tina Sewage monster is right , I think . I think you meant to say I instead of me . Pretty sure the sewage monster said it's okay , tina , you're trying , please continue . Tina glared at me while her throat made a weird sound . Then , after a minute , she said she was done and it was my goddamn turn . That's when I remembered what I was supposed to be doing earlier . I was supposed to come up with some wedding vows but I got distracted by the car accident with my new best friend . Well , isn't that a pickle ? But cleverness prevailed and I simply said same-sies . That was close . Same Zs Whew , that was close .

Coffee 10:10

The ceremony went on as rehearsed , mostly . When it came time for the rings , I turned to Sewage Monster . It just stared at me and shifted its weight from side to side on the growing sludge puddle . I whispered the ring , I need the ring guys . Stan took the ring out of his pocket and tried handing it to me , but I pushed it back and whispered no , handing the ring to the groom is the job of the best man , not some low-life groomsman . Give it to Sewage Monster first . Groomsmen . Give it to Sewage Monster first .

Coffee 10:55

Stan flashed an angry look , but carefully handed the ring to the Sewage Monster , who took it , gave it a long look and popped it in its mouth like a peppermint . Tina and the wedding guests groaned . I held up my palm no , sewage monster , I need that . Give it here . Sewage monster just stared at me and pretended not to hear . I repeated myself and sewage monster looked up like it couldn't hear me still , but I could hear it chewing on the ring . I wondered how strong its teeth were . Give it , give it , I said firmly and put the flat of my palm under its mouth . Give now , sewage monster . It finally gave me a reproachful look , bent its head forward and spit the gooey ring into my hand . It's important to reward good behavior right away . So I scratched its dribbling chin , which was much warmer and stickier than you might think . Might think .

Coffee 12:09

I turned to Tina to put the ring on her finger , but she just stared at the goopy ring in horror . So I carefully flicked the goop off before putting it on Tina's shaking finger . Boy , she hadn't retched that much since that time . She got really drunk in college . Then the rest of the ceremony was smooth sailing pretty much , and we kissed and everyone who hadn't left cheered .

Coffee 12:33

And here's the cutest part . The sewage monster was so overcome with joy . It rushed right past me and gave Tina a great big squishy bear hug . Luckily for us , tina's wedding dress was already pretty old and used , as it was her grandmother's . Finally , tina came up for air coughing and gagging . Instead of the traditional recessional Tina stormed out without me , screaming words that made parents cover their children's ears . Then it was just me , the sewage monster . Oh , and Stan . Stan looked around and said well , so much for the honeymoon . The sewage monster asked honeymoon , what is honeymoon ? It looked at me with its big draining eyes and asked can I join the honeymoon ? Well , it looked so gosh darn cute and hopeful . How could anyone say no ? Of course you can , tina , and I would love to take you with us on our honeymoon . And let me tell you , when Tina saw that I brought Sewage Monster on our cruise ship , she was overcome with all sorts of emotions and to this day she brings up the Sewage Monster every time we have an argument

Discount Storytime Launch Announcement

Coffee 14:17

the end .

Coffee 14:17

Thank you for listening . I hope you enjoyed Sewage Monster Vows . If you did , please refer it to a friend . Oh , and the new Discount Storytime website is up . It's pretty bare bones and I plan to keep it that way so that it's quick and easy to load on mobile devices and all that good stuff . So you can go there , you can see these podcast episodes , there's a blog if you want to read some of the stories , and there's also the discount ideas . So please check it out and if you have ideas for it or suggestions , I would love to hear from you . And until next time , play nice with others , be super duper kind to yourself and , as always , remember to laugh Bye .