Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Dinner Talk
In this story I answer what millions of listeners seem to want to know most, what is dinner conversation like at my home? Enjoy!
Content warning for profanity.
Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Coffee
This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 41 of Discount Storytime literature's finest dumpster fire. Today's story is Dinner Talk, enjoy. Lately, millions of Discount Storytime fans have asked what a typical dinner conversation is like at my home. First, stop asking, that's creepy. Second, I'll tell you.
Coffee:Last week, for example, I enjoyed a lovely dinner with my wife, tina, and our two children, faye and Turner. I had gone to a job interview that morning and was sure everyone wanted to hear about it. We held hands and while Tina said grace, I pictured badgers with little samurai swords and wondered why do they have swords? What are their plans? Are they good or evil badgers? Then we started dinner and I prepared for the barrage of questions about my job interview. But Turner blurted out I got a B on my history test. I was worried I wouldn't do so good, but all that studying paid off and he smiled proudly yeah, turner, way to make everything about yourself. Just over a B. Then Faye jumped in with this long-ass story about how she found a wounded bird on the playground and suggested the class care for it as a class project. The teachers thought that was a wonderful idea and Faye was so kind and considerate and blah, blah, whatever man, that kid can talk. Tina's eyes lit up while listening to their stories and even did a little hand clap when Faye said the bird's wing was already starting to move a little. Then Tina droned on about how proud she was of Faye and Turner and asked me what I thought of our wonderful children.
Coffee:I think my job interview today went well. I started finally getting a word in. Tina's eyes squinted oh, that's right. I guess I was focused on supporting our children. She said in that we're going to talk about this later voice. Yeah, I think it went well. I continued refusing to cede conversation territory.
Coffee:Everyone sighed and tucked into their dinner. Turner, who's 12, offered to cook dinner tonight and made pizza bites, boxed mac and cheese and steamed broccoli. Where was your interview at, dad, faye asked. She popped a piping hot pizza bite into her mouth, blew out hot air and fanned her mouth. A moment later Tina did the same thing. So you can guess where Faye got it from. Oh, it was at. Can you pass the pepper please, fay asked Tina. I sighed while Fay passed it over. It was at Manny Acquisitions Inc over on Industrial Boulevard. They're looking for a senior clerical administrator. Is being a senior clerical administrator? Exciting Dad Asked Turner who was adding pepper to his own mac and cheese.
Coffee:Well, most people think it would be a dull job, and they're right, I said, and Turner laughed it's not exciting, but it's the kind of work I like. It's not exciting, but it's the kind of work I like. What sort of questions did they ask? You asked Faye taking back the pepper. Oh, the usual stuff About my work, history, and a bunch of questions about administrative procedures, I guess to make sure I know what I'm doing and that all went fine, I think.
Coffee:But sure I know what I'm doing and that all went fine, I think. But I felt a bit underdressed. I should have worn a tie, like you said, honey. I took a bite of mac and cheese and pretty good for Turner's first try. So I told him that. Oh, I'm sure it was fine, dear, said Tina. I shrugged my shoulders.
Coffee:My interviewers all wore black cloaks. Oh, then they took me to the Dungeon of Trials. A dish clanked when Tina dropped her fork. What? Everyone was now staring at me. So I continued yeah, there was this. Okay, get this a bookshelf. And if you pulled the right book it slid open and beyond it was a catacomb. So I told them. I also have a bookcase that opens to a secret catacomb, like that. Tina rolled her eyes.
Coffee:I looked directly at Tina and said they asked me if I really did. But I remembered this was a job interview and to be honest, so I had to say no, I don't really have one because my mean wife won't let me. Tina stared at me and slowly chewed her pizza bite then said Did you tell them why I keep saying no? No, I sulked. Tina repeated for the zillionth time Because it's too expensive and God only knows what you would use it for. Turner quietly leaned over and whispered that's okay, dad. Mom tells me that all the time too. And he patted my arm.
Coffee:Faye asked for the salt and I passed it to her and she began salting her broccoli with vigor. And Tina said that's enough salt, faye. I read it's bad for your kidneys. Go on, honey. What about this Catacombs? Oh yeah, they were lit by torches and led down to the Dungeon of Trials, I said. Then tried the steamed broccoli A little overcooked for my liking, but good attempt, I thought. Liking, but good attempt. I thought Well, what did they do to you? Tina asked with a wavering voice oh, now she's interested in how my day went. I salted my broccoli and said we walked for a long time. Then we finally made it to the Dungeon of Trials and they took my blindfold off. Oh yeah, they blindfolded me. The broccoli was much better with salt, kidneys or not.
Coffee:Everyone was wearing black robes, except for a few with red robes and one enormous guy in a gold robe. Also, they all wore either goat or wolf masks. Tina and the kids gasped. I continued. Someone took a bunch of my body measurements. They said it was to make some sort of ritual suit and I will have to sign a non-disclosure agreement before they say what the suit is made of, so I can't tell you. Faye shrugged and popped another pizza bite, but Turner looked genuinely disappointed.
Coffee:Then I stood on a large round platter that wriggled back and forth like the agitation cycle in a clothes washer, but when it was done they took my temperature every two minutes for about a half hour. Did they say anything? Tina asked with wide eyes. No, everyone spoke in muffled whispers and it didn't sound like English or really any common language. It was more guttural, I guess. What does guttural mean, asked Faye? It means they sound like Aunt Phoebe, said Turner, and they both snickered Kids snapped. Tina then thought for a minute You're not wrong, but still Go on about the dungeon.
Coffee:Then they had me go into a small tube and told me to crawl through it as fast as I could. So I crawled through it as fast as I could, mostly because something chased me. But the tube was too small to look back and see. And there were all these turns. Oh, pass the ranch dressing please. We all held up our forks and said, yay, ranch. It's a silly thing we do because we all love ranch dressing. Okay, once I got to the end of the tube I heard snarling and a loud clank, so maybe some sort of gate closed. Tina asked for the ranch dressing and we again held up our forks and said, yay, ranch. Ed never gets old. When I reached over to hand her the dressing, tina saw all the bloody bandages on my forearm and her eyebrows shot up. What the hell are those? Oh, that's from the blood draws and skin biopsies and leeches.
Coffee:Tina asked are you sure this job is safe? I don't know. I mean the money would be nice. The base salary is six figures. Tina shook her head. Well, I don't know. This sounds pretty dangerous.
Coffee:I continued Plus five weeks paid vacation and 401k matching. And check this out. They do 100% employer matching on Faye and Turner's college savings accounts. How cool is that? But, like you said, it sounds pretty dangerous. Tina lit out a squeal that startled all of us, making Faye spill her water. What, yeah?
Coffee:Starting with my first paycheck, tina was giddy what are you doing sitting there, get off your ass and call whoever you need to and beg for that goddamn job. So that's what I did. Well, I tried calling, but got their voicemail. It was a little hard leaving a serious message with the sight of Tina dancing in the kitchen. They called back the next day and said Dark Lord Blizzard will select his offering within three days. But if I didn't hear back after five business days to shoot Cassie an email, well, manny Acquisitions Incorporated wound up hiring someone else, and it was probably a good thing because they shut down after bodies started turning up. Oh, and Turner had made chocolate pudding for dessert that night, but we were out of Cool Whip, which was a shame the End night, but we were out of Cool Whip, which was a shame the end.
Coffee:Thank you for listening and I hope you enjoyed hearing about a typical dinner conversation at my home. If you did, please tell a friend. And if any dark overlords are hiring willing human sacrifices. My best friend, stan, is looking for part-time work, but he needs Tuesdays off. And until next time, play nice with others, be super duper kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh. Bye, thank you.
