Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Beauty and the Torture Librarian
What happens when Della is thrown into the torture dungeon for refusing to marry the evil King Blaine?
Content Warning: Profanity, References to torture and body horror.
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
Backing tracks for "Be Our Guest" and "Beauty and the Beast" provided by Karaoke-Version.com
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content, warning for profanity and descriptions of torture and body horror. Welcome to episode 45 of Discount Storytime, where we're not afraid to take chances, not even really really stupid ones. Today's story is Beauty and the Torture Librarian. Enjoy, beauty and the Torture Librarian.
Speaker 1:A long time ago, in a faraway kingdom, king Murray ruled for many years. Over time he discovered that building up alliances did more for his kingdom's defense and safety than the use of torture. He eventually closed down the torture program. The royal torturer was on the verge of retirement anyway was on the verge of retirement anyway, so he took an early retirement and spent the rest of his days fly fishing and spending time with his nephew Adam. That was ten years ago, and wise King Murray recently passed and left the throne to his only son, prince Blaine. Unfortunately, when Prince Blaine returned from royalty school, he seemed different. He didn't act like the thoughtful prince he had once been, but was cruel, demeaning and just an overall jerk face.
Speaker 1:One day, prince now King Blaine was exploring his favorite pastime, writing piggyback on Bob, the royal advisor. While holding onto Bob with one arm, he threw empty beer cans at widows and orphans. King Blaine was about to peg an orphany-looking infant when he saw Della Lane was about to peg an orphan-y looking infant when he saw Della. Della had beautiful dark hair and soulful brown eyes. Her olive skin shone in the warm spring sun. She sat at a cafe enjoying coffee and a book when she was hit in the face with an empty can of natural ice. When she was hit in the face with an empty can of natural ice what the hell? She looked up and saw the tall, muscular figure of Bob looking down apologetically. Um, my lady. King Blaine wants to say um hi. Della scrunched her eyes then saw King Blaine climb down a tiny ladder sewn onto the back of Bob's uniform. King Blaine strolled up to Della, grabbed her hand and licked it.
Speaker 2:Ha, I bet you thought you were getting a kiss from the Blaine Master.
Speaker 1:Tell me you love me, me, and maybe I will. Della pulled her hand away and wiped it off on her napkin. No, king Blayne's face turned red.
Speaker 2:What do you mean? No, Of course you love me.
Speaker 1:Everybody loves me and you love me so much.
Speaker 2:We will marry tomorrow.
Speaker 1:I proclaim it, he turned to climb up the bob ladder. When Della repeated you are a sad, repugnant and spoiled boy. I do not love you and I will not marry you. And spoiled boy, I do not love you and I will not marry you. Good day, sir. She gave a humph and turned her attention back to her book. King Blaine slid back down the bob ladder. His eyes darkened as he approached Della, grabbed the book out of her hand, tore out the pages one by one.
Speaker 2:You just messed up. You will say you love me, you will marry me and you, along with any other hotties I meet, will have my children.
Speaker 1:Della, incensed, met King Blaine eye to eye and grabbed her book.
Speaker 2:And if I don't, you have no choice Guard, guard.
Speaker 1:Bob, who was counting his days to retirement, sighed yes, your majesty. Take this wench to the torture dungeon, torture her until she admits her undying love for me, and tomorrow we wed. Bob sighed and explained. Your majesty, the torture dungeon has been shut down for a decade now. The king commanded it, and for good reason, I might add.
Speaker 2:Who commanded it?
Speaker 1:King Blaine snarled. The king had command—.
Speaker 2:Ah, that king is dead idiot. I'm the king now Reopen it and rehire the torturer Now.
Speaker 1:He has passed your majesty.
Speaker 2:Then make his next of kin do it. Who would that be?
Speaker 1:I believe his only surviving relative is his nephew Adam. He's the one who built the community library.
Speaker 2:Whatever Fine, shut down the library as of immediately and divert all funds to the torture dungeon.
Speaker 1:King Blaine turned back to Della and you'd better love me soon, della, and you'd better love me soon. He smiled cruelly, climbed up the bob ladder and they left. Della was taken to a dank, musty and dark dungeon so basically a dungeon. Wall sconces lit silvery cobwebs and cast frightening shadows. Della was thrown into a filthy cell and the guards left. She was alone and frightened, but she would not tell that horrible excuse for a king that she loved him or to wed him.
Speaker 1:The thought of being married to King Blaine made her skin crawl. Oh, oh, what to do? She looked around for an escape. Perhaps the cell was so decrepit that she could use something to pull the bars apart. But then what Was? The dungeon door locked. And even if she escaped the torture dungeon, how would she make it out of the castle? And even if she escaped the torture dungeon, how would she make it out of the castle? And even if she escaped the castle, the kingdom probably had placed a GPS tracker on her horse-drawn Prius. No, it was hopeless. In the shadows, beyond the torchlight, something shuffled A while later the dungeon door opened and a young man entered. He was tall and lanky, with red hair and a nose that could double for a ski jump. He dragged in several enormous trunks. Out of breath, he sat on one and wiped his brow. He didn't see Della and fell over backwards when she spoke up.
Speaker 2:Hello, are you? I know you.
Speaker 1:Della said and pointed at him in case it might be unclear who she was talking about.
Speaker 2:You're the librarian.
Speaker 1:The young, awkward man climbed off the ground and looked. Then he found his thick glasses, dusted them off and looked again. Yes, um, hi, I'm. I'm Adam. He of course noticed Adela. She was an avid reader and was always in the library. He smiled, forgetting all about the current situation. How did you like the last book you checked out?
Speaker 2:What was it again?
Speaker 1:Della smiled. Despite the awful situation. It was a joy to talk about books and reading. Oh, adventures in Flirting by Coquettish Rodeo Clown. Della blushed oh, that's a saucy one. They both laughed. Adam took a ring of keys he had been given and opened the cell door. I just finished Wuthering Heights. Della's face puckered as if she'd drank a glass of pickle juice.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm sorry, what a piece of trash.
Speaker 1:The worst, the absolute worst, agreed Adam and shivered. He handed Della a small bundle wrapped in paper. I brought sandwiches in case you're hungry, Famished thank you. Della pointed to the trunks Adam brought in. What are all these? Adam opened a trunk that showed carefully packed books. When they shut down the library to open this place up again, I grabbed as many books as I could before they took the rest away to the castle. Maybe someday I could rebuild. He trailed off. Della sat on a trunk next to Adam.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, the library is or it was a wonderful place.
Speaker 1:And it's not just the building. They shut down all the programs to help people Children's story time, the adult literacy courses. I was about to start an expansion service with a traveling book wagon. Oh, Della's eyes lit up.
Speaker 2:Oh, that sounds wonderful, oh, I would love something like that.
Speaker 1:You know, you know so much about books. You could, if you want, come with me when I take the book wagon around. They both blushed and smiled. Take the book wagon around. They both blushed and smiled. But then Adam remembered.
Speaker 2:Well, we could have taken the book wagon, but King Blaine screwed it up said Della.
Speaker 1:Adam's eyes widened and he looked around. You can't say that. What if someone's listening? Then Adam said loudly this isn't the king's fault. Nothing is the king's fault, ever. Who is going to hear? There's just the two of us here. But as Della said that, she heard the tiniest rustle amongst the shadows. Still, Adam seemed to shrink away. Della stood up. And if nothing is the king's fault, then who is to blame for this mess? Adam looked up at her and tilted his head. Della blustered.
Speaker 2:Me, me.
Speaker 1:I was taken prisoner for. Oh, oh, you have got to be kidding me. Well, from what I hear, you could have. No, don't even start, don't talk to me, I'll be in my cell Room, della said and stormed away. Then came back and grabbed her sandwich, then stormed away. That night Della tried to read, but she couldn't concentrate. What with being trapped in a torture dungeon and what such, she finally fell into a fitful sleep Early that next morning, or what must have been morning, in the depths of darkness she again heard rustling bumps and voices.
Speaker 2:Um hello.
Speaker 1:She asked, through a dry throat.
Speaker 2:Is somebody there?
Speaker 1:Della gasped when she saw a rusty power drill, a red-hot iron poker and a blood-stained pair of pliers hopping towards her. She froze too terrified to scream. The torture instruments looked at her with blinking eyes. Then the power drill spoke Bonjour, I am Rusty Drill, and these are my colleagues Hot Poker and Mrs Crotch Pliers.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am said Mrs Crotch Pliers and curtsied what is going on? Della's voice shook. Rusty Drill smiled. My cher mademoiselle, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you here today. Now we invite you to relax, strap into a chair as the dungeon presents your torture. Be our guest be our guest.
Speaker 1:put our skewers to the test. Tie a stone around your neck, sherry, and we'll provide the rest. Ha poker, say bonjour. We live to unknow. We leave our guests in stitches, but we're really not malicious. We can sing, we can dance. Interrogation we enhance, and the torture here is never second best. We're the perfect venue to twist some sinew. Be our guest, be our guest. Be our guest. Toes and nails stripped away, or maybe en flambé, we'll prepare and serve with flair a sanguinary cabaret. You're alone and you're scared, but the table's all prepared. No one's gloomy or complaining while the scalpel's entertaining. We tell jokes. It's the Ritz with my fellow drill bits and it's all in perfect taste that you can bear. Come and lift your glass. You've won your own free pass to be our guest. If you're stressed, you've won your own free pass To be our guest. If you're stressed, it's confession we suggest. Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest.
Speaker 1:Life is unfulfilling for a driller who's not drilling. He's not a whore without a soul to drill upon. All those good old days when we were useful. Suddenly, those good old days are gone. Ten years we've been rusting, needing so much more than dusting, needing exercise, a chance to use our skills. Most days, we just lay around the dungeon Flabby, fat and lazy. You walked in and oops-a-daisy.
Speaker 2:It's a guest. It's a guest Sakes alive. Well, I'm impressed, I'm going to f*** you up. I am, I'm going to f*** you up, and then I'm going to take a s*** and I'm going to shove it in your eye sockets after I rip off your Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where the hell did that come from?
Speaker 1:Seriously, we had a nice musical number going on here, and then, like always, Mrs Crotch Pliers has to come in and make everything all weird. Mrs Crotch Pliers looked down embarrassed.
Speaker 2:Oh, pardon me, I just get so excited sometimes and it's been a long time since I've had some nails to pull out.
Speaker 1:but you have nice nails there, miss um, thank you della asked shakingly it it sounds like you all do awful things to people. Hot Poker stepped up. Not at all. We do awful things to awful people. That is our job. The others nodded, do you?
Speaker 2:think I'm awful.
Speaker 1:Asked Della, hot Poker softened. It is not for us to say, madam, the torturer decides, but we haven't seen him in ten years. Quite a long time for a tea break, if you ask me. Hot Poker said with a harumph, yes, where is the torturer? Asked Rusty Drill. Della wasn't sure what to say but decided the truth was always best. Her spine went cold when she thought how these things could probably sniff out lies. Anyway, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but the torturer to be the one to tell you, but the torturer, he died a few years ago. I'm so sorry. The instruments looked to her, then looked down. Mrs Crotchplier sniffed and Hot Poker offered her a rag crusted with dried blood. She looked up and asked Della.
Speaker 2:So who is that young man over there?
Speaker 1:Ella. So who is that young man over there? They all looked to see Adam standing at the cell door holding two bowls of porridge. He cleared his throat and said here's breakfast. And what the hell is going on?
Speaker 1:Rusty Drill hopped over to Adam who took a few steps back. Monsieur, it is a pleasure to meet you. You must be the new torturer we are here to serve. I am Rusty Drill. This is Hot Poker and, of course, mrs Crotch Players. Oh, okay, what Adam's head tilted.
Speaker 1:Seeing the confusion on Adam's face, rusty Drill said May I speak with you privately for one moment? They went to a far corner of the dungeon and sat. Rusty Drill began I take it you are not the torturer? No, I'm a librarian. I am, or was, the torturer's nephew. Yesterday the palace guard closed down the library and told me to come here and get to work.
Speaker 1:Mon dieu, that is not how to properly run a torture dungeon. I am sorry to hear of your uncle. Thank you, we had many good years together with the torturing and what such, because I am a drill. Yeah, I kind of figured that part. But what do I do now, asked Adam. Well, I think the best thing to do is to start at the beginning.
Speaker 1:So Adam told Rusty Drill all about the new king and how Della was to be tortured into telling King Blaine she loved him If a power drill could turn red with anger instead of dried blood. Rusty did Zuta, lars, this is not proper torture. You cannot torture someone into loving you. We will not do this. I don't want to torture anybody ever. I mean no offense, none. Take on, mon ami, said Rusty and nodded. But what can we do? The king said he wants results this morning. This morning Now the dungeon door opened and Royal Advisor Bob entered. Hello, adam, just checking in to see how it's going. King Blaine is demanding immediate results. Adam hurried over to Bob Great Things are going. Great with the torture. He looked over to Della and saw that Mrs Crotchpliers was painting Della's nails and an Iron Maiden was braiding her hair. Great with the torture. Adam said again loudly. Della, seeing Bob, cried out.
Speaker 2:Oh, no, oh the torture, oh deary me.
Speaker 1:Bob pulled Adam aside. Listen, Adam, I don't like this, Not at all. But if Della doesn't profess her love for King Blaine and marry him this morning, well, you are to be executed for failure. What? Two bowls of porridge smashed to the ground. Della rushed over and asked what's wrong? Bob took Della's shoulders. You must profess your love for King Blaine right away. She crossed her arms and said no, never. Bob started to argue, but then Adam stopped him. It's okay, della doesn't have to. I understand what will happen. Just then King Blaine strode in.
Speaker 2:I'll bow to your king.
Speaker 1:They all bowed their heads low. King Blaine sauntered over to Della and cupped her chin.
Speaker 2:You may rise. And how is my bride this morning Blushing?
Speaker 1:I assume he smiled then coughed in her face Seriously, dude, cover your mouth. I don't love you and I will never marry you. Death first Della glared at him. King Blaine squeezed her cheek.
Speaker 2:Oh yes, If that's how you want to play it, there will be death first. Where is this so-called torture librarian For? He is to be put to death.
Speaker 1:Everyone gasped. Adam stepped forward and King Blaine grinned.
Speaker 2:You failed to get my fiancée to say she loves me, which she clearly does.
Speaker 1:Adam was looking at him oddly.
Speaker 2:Why are you staring at your king like a weirdo?
Speaker 1:Adam asked who the hell are you?
Speaker 2:Everyone gasped I am your king fool. Who do you think you are to question me? You're just some lowlife peasant I've never met before.
Speaker 1:Never met before I grew up with Prince Blade. Our families were close. I hadn't seen him since he left for royalty school and I'm not looking at him now. You are an imposter. Everyone gasped, flustered. King Blaine ordered Adam's immediate execution. And for everyone to stop with the gasping, adam stood up straight and confidently stepped forward. If you are truly King Blaine, what is your father's name?
Speaker 2:King Murray. Everybody knows that.
Speaker 1:But beads of sweat danced on King Blaine's forehead. Okay but what is your father's full name?
Speaker 2:Arrest this man bellowed King Blaine.
Speaker 1:I'd prefer to hear your answer first. My lord said Bob now towering over Blaine.
Speaker 2:His full name was His. His name was His His name was.
Speaker 1:Blaine turned to run, but Bob easily grabbed the nape of his neck.
Speaker 2:Fine, fine, fine. I give up, I'm not the king.
Speaker 1:Everyone gasped when is our king Bob growled?
Speaker 2:My gang of highway robbers ambushed his stagecoach as he was returning from royalty school.
Speaker 1:An oily smile slid into his face. The prince to his face the prince. He's still alive. I decided to see how long I could deceive you fools, and it went better than planned. I hold your prince hostage at a location only I know Bob raised the imposter a few more feet in the air. Tell me where our king is now. The imposter giggled.
Speaker 2:No, give me everything I want, including this kingdom's merchandising rights, Then maybe I'll tell you. Otherwise you can't get it out of me.
Speaker 1:Bob smiled darkly. He had clearly seen and done things in his life. Okay, have it your way. If you won't tell us, there's nothing I can do. If you won't tell us there's nothing I can do. The imposter laughed triumphantly. But then Bob said but we have recently reopened our torture dungeon by your own command. I can't get the information out of you, but they can. The imposter's eyes turned to excited little hopping sounds.
Speaker 1:Rusty Drill spoke first. Monsieur Bob, we will be happy to assist in your endeavor. Oh, I was hoping so. Bob turned to Adam Mandela. Adam, thank you for revealing this imposter. I will ensure that all the books get properly returned to your now open library. And, della, I'm sorry for how you were treated. I should have spoken up sooner. That was wrong of me and I hope to set things right when our real king returns. Now you two should get out of here. My new friends and I have work to do. Adam and Della said goodbye to Rusty Drill, hot Poker and Mrs Crotchpliers, who was practically salivating Outside. Della and Adam walked towards the cafe for much-needed coffee. The morning sun glittered on the lake. Oh yeah, the kingdom is by a lake. Della turned to Adam. So does your book wagon deal still stand.
Speaker 1:Adam startled Absolutely, if you still want to join me? Della took his hand, nodded and then, with a mischievous grin, said but there's one book that won't be going. With that she threw Wuthering Heights far into the lake and it sank to the bottom, where it belongs.
Speaker 2:They laughed and laughed, and laughed, then held hands and walked off then held hands and walked off Like the BO on a barbarian or the stench of carrion Beauty and the Torture Librarian. Off to the end. Credits with you now, before Disney sues me into oblivion. Good night, love.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's story, even though there was, oh, my attempt at singing, but I had fun doing it. I hope you enjoyed it and, if you did, please think about referring this show to a friend or you know an enemy, depending on how you feel about the show and reach out to me. I have my contact information in the show notes. I'd love to hear from you and until next time, be sure to play nice with others, be super duper, kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh. Bye.
