Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Moby Dick: the Western!
Our team of Discount Storytime Explorers found a long lost script for Moby Dick, initially written as a radio drama Western! Enjoy the never heard before performance of this classic tale!
Our sponsor for today is Bland-O's cereal, made with real water chestnuts!
Enjoy!
Content Warning: Profanity, Gunshots, Gun Violence
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
"Western Theme" by Luis Humanoide from Pixabay
"In the Saloon" by Piano_Music from Pixabay
"Kids Cooking" by Anastasia Kir from Pixabay
"Ole Faithful" by “Red River” Dave accessed at:
Sound Effects:
Sound Effects by freesound_community from Pixabay
Slide guitar by Shiden Beats Music from Pixabay
Harp glissando by by floraphonic from Pixabay
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Thanks!
Coffee
Hi, this is Coffee McCann and welcome to episode 47 of Discount Storytime. Our story for today is Moby Dick the Western, and our sponsor is Bland O's Cereal.
Speaker 2:Enjoy cereal Enjoy. This is Abbey Grimmel. I'm not just an award-winning actor, I'm also a busy working parent and I know creating tasty evening meals can be a real challenge. And at the end of the day, the last thing you want to hear is your family complaining about the taste of whatever dinner you were able to get to the table. That's why, every morning, I feed my family Blando's cereal. Blando's is made from 100% water chestnuts with no sugar, salt or flavoring whatsoever. After a flavorless breakfast of Brando's cereal, anything else I make them during the day is going to taste great by comparison. Don't believe me. Just see for yourself. Hey everyone, how do you like the dinner I cooked tonight?
Speaker 1:It's still better than breakfast.
Speaker 2:That's Blando's Cereal. Try it with tap water. You can find Blando's Cereal at your local grocery mart or wherever you buy your cereal.
Speaker 1:Herman Melville's classic novel Moby Dick was originally written as a Western audio drama for radio. Our team of Discount Storytime explorers found the original radio script in a remote mountain cabin with a note that read, quote Radio still not invented yet, Screw it, just make Moby Dick a novel, I guess. Herman. Lucky for you, lucky listener. Here is a performance of the never-before-performed audio drama Moby Dick. The Western Pequod was a small little town in Nerbley County. Not much happened in Pequod, which consisted of a general store, barber, famous footwear, an old-timey photo studio but they just called it a photo studio and of course a saloon. And of course a saloon. One late afternoon in the aforementioned saloon, peony plays piano for the usual crowd. A pretty young lady flirts with the bar keep, then grabs her purse to leave for her shift at the gumption factory, as canned gumption is the town's main revenue. She extends her thumb and pinky finger to the call me sign.
Speaker 2:Call me Ishmael.
Speaker 1:Ishmael the bartender smiles. I will darling as soon as the phones are invented. Now you go on to work. I gotta tend a bar. Now you go on to work, I gotta tend bar. The girl leaves and Starbuck the town sheriff moseys up to the bar. Evenin' Sheriff, will you be havin' the usual? Not tonight, ishmael, I'm on duty. Why are you still on duty? It's been so quiet around here. Exactly, and that's when a sheriff gets nervous and just like that, the saloon doors swing open and then swing back and someone says Ouch, damn it. Then they swing open again and a figure careens through In steps Captain Ahab.
Speaker 1:He is grim and determined. His clothes are all black and scuffed. A white scar runs down his scowling face. Captain Ahab steps forward with a solid thud as his left leg is missing, replaced with the leg of a department store lady mannequin. The prosthetic is as menacing as it is shapely and makes a glum thud as he walks. His remaining leg wears a dull and scuffed Reebok cowboy boot. Ahab stares at everyone and announces I am looking for a white whale. For today is the day I get my vengeance. My vengeance for that fateful day. Many a year ago, I had an argument with the great fish known as Moby Dick, over whether or not cereal is soup. I say it is and it is. Well things done got escalated. Years ago at high noon, Captain Ahab and an enormous whale faced each other with hatred in their eyes. Sheriff Starbuck stood between them and explained the standoff rules, in which there are no rules. Do you both understand the rules? Good, I want you both to draw and I want a nice clean standoff with standard standoff rules, no hijinks.
Speaker 2:Ow my leg. You shot off my leg.
Speaker 1:Captain Ahab hopped away, crying. Back in the saloon a boing hopping sound is heard as a white whale, Moby Dick, hops forward. He is large and stately white as snow, Wearing a white cowboy hat, white as snow, and white three-piece suit white as snow, and on his tail fin is duct-taped a human leg with a black Reebok, cowboy boot, Black-ass snow. He then says Serial.
Speaker 3:Ain't soup stranger? But that don't matter, because I ain't never seen you before and I don't care none for the accusations you accusationing me of.
Speaker 1:What the hell are you talking about? Of course you know me. We were in the standoff and you shot off my leg. Look, you're wearing my leg. It still has my other Reebok cowboy boot. My leg it still has my other Reebok cowboy boot.
Speaker 3:Why lots of folks wear Reebok cowboy boots. Stranger, they're comfortable and fashionable. I done got this at the town famous footwear. Want me to show you the receipt? Yes, yes, I would. Would what stranger stranger? Like to see your receipt for the boot you're wearing on my leg. Well, um, how do I know? You didn't steal my reebok cowboy boot. Where's your receipt?
Speaker 1:The townsfolk murmur and agree with Moby Dick. Ishmael speaks up. Well, we don't know you stranger, but Moby Dick done been wearing that boot since he had a shootout with some fella years back Me. That was me. Sheriff Starbuck sees the situation getting out of hand and intervenes. Now now ain't no reason for feuding. We have a situation that needs settling around here. We solve it all civil-like by shooting at each other. This in here calls for a standoff. Let's all go outside the crowd, cheers Yay.
Speaker 2:Fine.
Speaker 1:Now that we're all outside, I want you to draw and I want a nice, clean standoff with standard standoff rules no hijinks, no hijinks. My arm, you shot off my arm. Captain Ahab hops away crying and holding the bloody stump of his shoulder. Well, three months pass, the town goes back to normal and everything quiets back down. Then one day in the saloon, Evening, sheriff, will you be having the usual? Not tonight, ishmael, I'm on duty Now. Why are you still on duty? It's been so quiet around here for the last three months Exactly.
Speaker 1:And that's when a sheriff gets nervous and just like that, the saloon doors swing open. They then get stuck on a department store mannequin's lady arm. The arm eventually works the saloon door back open and is attached to Captain Ahab. Ahab stares at everyone and announces Ah, it's me, captain Ahab again. You may remember me from before. I'm looking for a white whale. For today is the day I get my vengeance. My vengeance for that fateful day many a year ago and also for that fateful day three months ago when that no-good white whale, moby Dick, took off my leg and arm respectively. Moby Dick hops forward with the taped-on human leg. He now has a human arm duct-taped to his right flipper and the arm flops back and forth as he speaks.
Speaker 3:I ain't never seen you before, stranger, and I don't care none for the accusations you accusationing me of.
Speaker 1:What the hell are you talking about? Of course you know me. We were in another standoff and you shot my arm off, the same arm taped to your right flipper. Look, it still has my high school ring on it.
Speaker 3:No, I'm pretty sure that is my high school ring.
Speaker 1:Oh really, we were in high school together, because I don't remember seeing you.
Speaker 3:I can show you my picture in the yearbook if you like. Stranger, but I don't appreciate being called a liar, especially from an old high school classmate.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, what was our high school mascot?
Speaker 3:Um a whale Lucky guess.
Speaker 1:Sheriff Starbuck sees the situation getting out of hand and intervenes Now, now ain't no reason for feuding. When we have a situation that needs settling around here, we solve it all civil-like by shooting at each other. This in here calls for a standoff. Let's all go outside. The crowd cheers Yay, ah. Now that we're all outside, I want you to draw and I want a nice clean standoff with standard standoff rules. No hijinks my spleen. You shot my spleen out of my body.
Speaker 1:Captain Ahab hops away crying, using his mannequin lady arm to staunch the blood coming out of his now empty spleen hole. Well, let me tell you, three more months pass, the town goes back to normal and everything quiets back down. Then, one day, back in the saloon Evening, sheriff, will you be having the usual Not tonight-ish, mel, I'm on duty. Now, why are you still on duty? It's been so quiet around here for the last three months Exactly, and that's when a sheriff gets nervous and just like that, the door to the saloon swings open. It's Captain Ahab. He stares at everyone and announces Hi, hi, it's me again Getting to be a bit of a regular, I guess.
Speaker 1:Huh, I'm still alive. I made it to the hospital after the last shootout. They didn't have any human spleens available so they transplanted a badger spleen into me. It's kinda leaky, but overall it works okay. You know, that brush with death got me thinking I was maybe too hard on Moby Dick. Maybe I should just learn to let bygones be bygones. I will be okay so long as I still have my department store mannequin lady leg, my department store mannequin lady arm, my leaky badger spleen and, most of all, my best gal, susie Mae, who I plan on proposing to tonight. Captain Ahab sees Susie Mae at a table French-kissing Moby Dick.
Speaker 2:Oh, oh, hi Ahab.
Speaker 1:Susie Mae, concerted woman. What are you doing with Moby Dick?
Speaker 2:Sorry, Ahab, but I just can't resist a big strong man with a big strong spleen.
Speaker 1:She points to the spleen duct-taped to Moby Dick. Over the tape is a neatly printed label that says quote Ahab's spleen, unquote. That's mine, that's my spleen. Moby Dick took it.
Speaker 3:I ain't never seen you before, stranger, and I don't care none for your accusations you accusationing me of. If this is yours and I ain't saying it is then I accidentally labeled it, that's all.
Speaker 1:Nobody uses a fucking label maker by accident. That's my spleen and my gal. I've had enough, I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill you. Ahab takes out his six-shooter and points it at Moby Dick. Sheriff Starbuck sees the situation getting out of hand and intervenes Now, now ain't no reason for feuding. When we have a situation that needs settling around here, we solve it all civil-like by shooting at each other. This in here calls for standoff. Let's all go outside. The crowd cheers. Yay, god damn it. Now that we're all outside, I want you both to draw and I want a nice, clean standoff with standard standoff rules. No hijinks.
Speaker 1:The next day a small crowd stands around the gravesite as a casket is lowered. Wearing his best suit, moby Dick and his new bride, susie Mae, turn and drive home from the funeral.
Speaker 2:When we get home.
Speaker 3:I'll make some coffee. You like some? Oh, yes, please back home.
Speaker 1:Moby dick looks solemnly out the window. The sun is setting and an auburn glow fills the modest home. Brings in two cups of coffee. They sip their coffee in silence. Then Susie Mae smiles.
Speaker 2:I know what will cheer us up.
Speaker 1:She walks over to the mounted head of Captain Ahab and pushes a button on the trophy plaque. Suddenly, old Faithful fills the living room. With each syllable, captain Ahab's lower jaw mechanically bobs up and down as if he's singing the lyrics.
Speaker 3:Old Faithful, we rode the reins together.
Speaker 1:Old Faithful in every kind of weather.
Speaker 3:When your roundup days are over, there'll be pastures, susie.
Speaker 1:Mae and Moby Dick laugh and laugh and laugh and get up and start dancing as this story ends, happily for everyone. Hurry up, old fella, cause the moon is mellow and bright.
Speaker 3:There's a coyote hollering to the moon above. So carry me back to the one I love.
Speaker 1:Hurry up old fella, we gotta get home. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode and now I have a very important question for you, dear listener. Is cereal a soup? Let me know. My contact information is in the show notes. You can reach out to me and let me know and, if you want, let me know if it's okay to read your answer on next week's show. And until next time, be sure to play nice with others, be super duper kind to yourself and, as always, remember to laugh. Bye, bye.
