Discount Storytime
Weekly stand-alone humorous short stories for grown-ups, with engaging plots, rich character development, and intelligent dialogue carefully edited out. Enjoy!
Discount Storytime
Something Yellow, Something Blue: Season Finale Part 1 of 2
A Two Part Season 1 Finale! Just another typical wedding day on Planet Waldor. Or is it??? (It isn't, in case you can't wait to find out)
Our Sponsor for today is St. Tetanus Medical Center.
Enjoy!
Sound Effects by freesound_community from Pixabay
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
Music: “Hope Piano” Music by Sergei Chetvertnykh from Pixabay
“Classical Music – Eternal Serenade” by Tech Oasis from Pixabay
“Funk Upbeat” by Mikhail Smusev from Pixabay
“Jazz Bossa Nova Cooking Show Music” by Denis Pavlov from Pixabay
“Abandon – Sad, Dark, Alone” by Pimpitcha Aransak from Pixabay
“Wedding Song” by Peter Barbaix from Pixabay
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Thanks!
Coffee
Content Warning for Adult Themes. This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to Discount Storytime. So this is the last story of Season 1. Season 2 of Discount Storytime is going to start on April 7th and it's going to be different than the Season 1 short stories. Season 2 will be serialized and it's going to tell the story of a hapless medical school graduate who winds up as an intern at the Galactic Teaching Hospital, St Tetanus. So I hope you enjoy it. It's going to be a bit of a change. It's going to be a chance to kind of expand on some characters and do a little bit more character development. But today's story is Something Yellow, Something Blue and this is part one of a two-part story, and our sponsor today happens to be Saint Tetanus Medical Center.
Speaker 2:Enjoy, when you walk or probably hobble or something into St Tetanus Medical Center, you don't just enter as a number, but you're also a revenue stream and we at St tetanus value that. At st tetanus we apply cutting-edge science to cutting corners and I'm proud to announce the opening of the new st tetanus Center for surgical excellence and crematorium. Our new surgical center is capable of billing up to 300 surgeries per day and our dedicated team of surgery providers can't wait to see you and your inside parts. Call St Tetanus Medical Center today to make an appointment. Don't delay. Those arteries aren't going to nick themselves. St Tetanus Medical Center.
Speaker 1:Copayment is due at the time of service. Tipping is not required, but encouraged. Something yellow, something blue. Part one of two the ceremony. Part 1 of 2, the Ceremony. Nobody wants exploding turtles falling from the sky on their wedding day. Planet Waldar's weather service initially reported an 80% chance of exploding turtles but inexplicably dropped to 1% by early morning. The suns rose, warming the chilly morning air and lighting the wedding cathedral. Waldorf had designated cathedrals for weddings, funerals and small social events, as these cathedrals were too old for modern-day Waldorf religions, which required ample floor space for the vendors, shoppers and political fundraisers.
Speaker 1:Penny stood in the bridal suite's sunny window looking at her wedding dress in the mirror. This dress was special handed down by the women in her family. For its age it still sparkled white, a sign of virginity and purity. The white dress accentuated Penny's dark blue skin and crimson hair. Penny had to admit she looked good. She told her two sisters as much and they all laughed.
Speaker 1:The laughter stopped when Penny's mother entered with a drawn face Dear, I've got some bad news. Penny's smile evaporated like the morning dew. What is it? Reverend Sailby is ill and can't officiate your wedding. Seeing Penny's worried face, her mother added Nothing serious, thank the goddess, his colleague from the non-affiliated church is coming instead. Penny's shoulders drooped. Oh no, this is terrible. We hadn't even met with him with being so busy planning. Penny would have flopped down in a chair but didn't want to wrinkle the dress. Instead, her sisters propped a stool under the dress so Penny could sit. Dear Goddess, please look after Reverend Sailby. And today, reverend Sailby and today the mother lovingly cupped her daughter's face in her long hands, now aged, with tired blue skin. Look at you. You're simply beautiful in the sacred dress of promised bridal virginity. Um yeah, said Penny, not meeting her mother's gaze.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh said Penny's older sister staring at her hands. Uh yep, said Penny's mother looking out the window. Yeah-huh, said Penny's grandmother examining the doorway. Yeah, huh, said Penny's grandmother examining the doorway. Penny's older sister, who had wed two years ago, then recounted stories of her wedding day blunders. As they laughed at those minor mishaps, penny realized that someday she would laugh at her minor hiccups too.
Speaker 1:Just not today. Her older sister added Sis, this is your day for the goddess to bless you and Dale. You love him, don't you? I love Dale so much. I've dreamed of today since I was little. Remember when I made you two play dress-up brides over and over and over again.
Speaker 1:Penny looked at her sisters who nod with wide eyes, trying to repress that traumatic childhood memory, and all the wedding dress-wearing lessons've taken and classy bride certification courses. I do hope more than anything that both Mama and Papa and Grandmama and Grandpapa and Dale and everyone are pleased. Her mother smiled. Oh, goddess? Yes, of course, and you know what? That cathedral is full, mama. Let me finish. That cathedral is full of those who already know you and love you and those that will get to know you and love you. So you have nothing to fear. Now stop slouching, stand up straight. There's my girl. Are you ready? I've never been more ready. Terrified, but ready. Penny chewed her red fingernails. But ready. Penny chewed her red fingernails. Her sister put her hands over them. Stop, you just had those painted. Penny's sisters took each of her hands and they left the room for her wedding.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, in the cathedral, dale the groom, met briefly with Reverend Jex, the substitute. Thank you so much for filling in at the last minute. Is Reverend Saleby okay, asked Dale. He looked like a very tall yellow worm with spindly arms and legs. This is because his race is very tall yellow worms with spindly arms and legs. Reverend Jex, essentially an orange tabby in a black suit, answered yes, thankfully it's nothing serious. I'll make sure everything goes smoothly. Dale thanked her again and adjusted his bow tie in a very cool way. He had been practicing cool ways to adjust his bow tie for several weeks and today was his day to shine.
Speaker 1:As they conversed, guests trickled in and set gift cards. In the bride and groom's gift card basket A tall, spider-like galah chatted with a frumpin. So a frumpin looks like a cross between a basset hound and a body pillow. Praise the goddess. Such a beautiful day for a wedding and the cathedral. They do such a marvelous job with the upkeep, said the spidery galah. The frumpin' wagged his ears in agreement. Yes, I couldn't agree more. And it's local. Local is the key. I went to my niece's wedding. I went to my niece's wedding Lovely girl, mind you, but she had one of those destination weddings. Oh the travel. I can't say. I've been to one of those. Was it a nice scenic getaway? The Frumpin' gave a husky laugh.
Speaker 1:Oh no, this place was horrible. The nitwit inhabitants kept rubbing my belly and asking who's a good boy? Dreadful place, earth. I won't say what they do to your kind with a pair of sandals. But enough of that. Let's enjoy today and our company Praise the goddess.
Speaker 1:The Frumpin noticed a flock of birdfolk from Astrid Minor entering. Oh oh, some old friends of mine. Please excuse me. Of course, it was such a pleasure to meet you. Promise me, we will sit together at the reception. The Frumpin agreed and loped to the bird folk of astrid minor who dressed in their finest gowns and shining jewelry. A short elderly woman in a green dress with multiple horizontal pleats giving the appearance of a squat fir tree entered. She wore a large floppy hat that covered her eyes. Her bulbous nose inhaled the wonderful smell of freshly mopped wood soap. Her mouth smiled as she took pleasure in the sights and sounds. Cathedral bells rang and told guests to take their seats. The Galdol skittered, the Frumpton loped and the birdfolk coasted to their seats. The elderly woman in the green dress shuffled her black orthopedic shoes to the back row, designated free seating. Those who bought pricier wedding tickets sat close to the front and judged the cheap guests sitting behind them. Reverend Jacks smiled at the guests On behalf of the goddess. Praise be. They responded with Praise be. They responded with Praise be.
Speaker 1:I am Reverend Sidney Jax and I'd like to first thank our Gold Level sponsor, smooth Criminal. Are you an underground criminal? Do you worry about dental records being used to find you? Try Smooth Criminal, a revolutionary procedure that smooths teeth. Call today for a free consultation. A short man in a gray suit wrote down the phone number. Reverend Jacks studied several cards.
Speaker 1:Next we have our auction results. Only the best bidder gets to be the best man. The winning best man bid goes to Joey Blazertoff from Planet Nimbo. Joey, please come up and stand by. Dale Joey sauntered up wearing cut-off denim shorts and a t-shirt that read Boner for Bridesmaids.
Speaker 1:Reverend Js continued. The Wending Maid of Honor goes to Morsa Flanzip of Pariah 7. Please come up and stand here. Morsa, petite and bookish, wearing a cream blouse and plaid skirt, meekly worked her way up to the front, careful not to swing her arms or look up. Now who will take the blushing bride down the aisle? Reverend Jax built suspense with a pause, then continued.
Speaker 1:Today's winning bid goes to Harlan Archnip of Planet Carted. Are you here? There you are. A big round of applause for today's winners, please. Harlan, a fellow with broad shoulders, broad smiles and a few too many eye stalks, stood and gave a triumphant wave while booming. I'll second that the wedding guests laughed and applauded. Harlan's shining red suit caught on the pew on his way and he gave out a booming laugh. Reverend Jack said and we have a latecomer. You aren't the bride by chance.
Speaker 1:One of the spotlights showed an elderly woman just walking in Her walking cane had more girth than her legs and she was rail thin. She wore a short green dress and her silver hair was in a pixie haircut. She smiled, shook her head and took a seat at the back of the groom's side. Reverend Jacks continued I'm only kidding. Thank you one and all for coming. If everyone has their seat, let's get this wedding started.
Speaker 1:A cacophony of music filled the air while spotlights spun, finally centering again on the back of the room. First, ushers helped the bride and groom's grandparents to their seats near the back Not the free seats, but still affordable on fixed incomes. Dale's fathers were next, both smiling and beaming, and took seats in the front row on the groom's side. Penny's parents quickly took seats in the front row on the groom's side. Penny's parents quickly took seats in the back row. At the look of them taking the free seats, her father yelled what I'm barely making a profit off of this wedding as it is.
Speaker 1:Next. The ring bearer toddled down the aisle. His twin sister, the flower girl, laughed and chased after him, flinging petals everywhere. The music paused and the cathedral grew quiet. All eyes and optical sensor pods turned to the back of the cathedral. When the traditional procession song started started, harlan Archnip of Planet Carted stood with Penny. The two marched slowly arm in arm to the front. Penny's and Dale's eyes lit when they saw each other. Dale adjusted his bowtie in a very cool way and Penny, rolled her eyes, nailed it, he thought to himself. Reverend Jex spoke Dearly beloved. We gather to witness the union of Penny and Dale, but today is much more than that. Their union is our union of friends, of family, of community. Everyone looked at each other and across the aisles, with smiling agreement. Reverend Jex then read from the designated advertising copy for such a blessed occasion. From the designated advertising copy for such a blessed occasion. As with all blessed unions, one cannot forget the blessing of the Galaxy Credit Union.
Speaker 1:With an account at Galaxy Credit Union, you can save up to 3% with no hidden fees, and that's a bargain Amen. In response, the wedding guests called and that's a bargain Amen. Reverend Jex continued and as love is nourishment for our souls, we must not forget nourishment for our bodies, and that's why this wedding is partially sponsored by One Meal. One Meal is the next generation of meal pods with all-natural synthetic ingredients and that homemade taste like Grandma used to print. Not only are they delicious, but they are nutritious too, providing your daily supply of lead and mercury. That's one meal available wherever you buy your meal pods, and that's a bargain Amen. In response, the wedding guests called and that's a bargain Amen.
Speaker 1:Reverend Jex looked to her scripture and read Together, these two will build a home, and all good homes need a good cleaning. It's easy to keep your home clean by using Lavendae, the all-purpose cleaner that leaves a fresh lavender scent all day. That's Lavendae, find it at your local market, and that's a bargain Amen. In response, the wedding guests called and that's a bargain Amen. With the recitation of the holy ad copy Reverend Jack's turn to Penny. Penny, do you take Dale to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death, do you part by the goddess's strength. Do you vow to protect and cherish him by the light of the suns and the power of the goddess. Do you pledge to love and honor him always. With tears of joy in her eyes and hoping her mascara didn't run, penny said I do Reverend Jax then turned to Dale.
Speaker 1:Dale, do you take Penny to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death? Do you part by the goddess's strength? Do you vow to protect and cherish her by the light of the suns and the power of the goddess? Do you pledge to love and honor her always? Dale beamed and said Boy, do I. There was laughter and a scattering applause. Dale, with his thin yellow hands, gently placed the ring on Penny's finger and said I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you. As circles have no end, neither does my commitment to you. Penny gently placed a ring on Dale's finger and said I give this ring as a symbol of my love for you, as a circle has no end, neither does my commitment to you. Reverend Jex smiled and said I'm now empowered by me, by this jurisdiction and the Ad Council, in the name of Pause Silence. Reverend Jex blushed under her furry face. Well, this is a first, everyone. I was in such a rush to get here in time. What deity is this service? Under Another pause before the church erupted in laughter. When the laughter settled down, the bride and groom replied. Dale said the yellow goddess. Penny said the blue goddess.
Speaker 1:At that moment every guest, every pew, every brick and molecule in the cathedral exploded in silence. The only sound was a solitary ha from the thin old woman in the back. Dale and Penny looked at each other, wide-eyed and pale-faced You're serious? They asked each other. I always told you I worshipped the goddess each other. I always told you I worshipped the goddess. The only true one, said Dale. I've always told you I worshipped the goddess. The only true one, said Penny. Reverend Jex asked you two have never said which goddess before now. Back off, kitty Penny snapped Don't yell at her heathen, spat Dale.
Speaker 1:Reverend Jex's mind searched madly for any way to bring this sudden dumpster fire of a ceremony in for a soft landing. How about this? Let's finish the ceremony, then I'll reach out to Reverend Sailby and we'll figure out what to do next. Penny and Dale glared at each other, sighed, then reluctantly nodded their heads. Reverend Jax, let out a breath. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Probably you may kiss the bride. Do I have to? Asked Dale. Whatever, let's just get this over with, said Penny. Dale moved in to give her a peck and Penny turned to let him kiss her cheek, which she promptly wiped off. Honored guests, I probably announce, mr and Mrs, honored guests.
Speaker 1:I probably announce Mr and Mrs, you suck, yelled a heckler. Penny flipped off the heckler and marched out of the church. Dale tore off his bow tie in frustration.
Speaker 2:The ceremony was over, tune in next week for the reception.
Speaker 1:I hope you enjoyed that story. I'm going to be honest with you. This wrap-up part is always the part that makes me so nervous, because all the rest of it I have a script in front of me or I'm reading off of notes this I am really just trying to talk to everybody in a conversational style and just be genuine and authentic, and it makes me a little nervous sometimes. I am going to ask a favor of you, dear listeners, for season two coming up. Again. It's going to be serialized. If you would please send me a note you can click on the link in the show notes is the easiest way and let me know if there are specific characters or specific places or stories within season one that you've really enjoyed, that you would like to see incorporated into season two, because I am going to pull over some elements from season one. So if you've listened to the stories as you're listening to season two, you'll be able to pick up on some things. But again, click on the link in the show notes or you can email me at mail at discount story timecom, and let's see. Here that's contact information.
Speaker 1:Uh, thank you for listening. I just so appreciate we're. We're almost 50 episodes. I can't believe it. Um so, thank you so much for sticking uh, sticking through with me and listening to these stories. I hope you're enjoying them. Through with me and listening to these stories. I hope you're enjoying them and until next week, be sure to play nice with others and please absolutely take care of yourself, and I'll see you next week for the season finale. Bye, and remember to laugh, thank you.
